Author Topic: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower  (Read 547 times)

WoundedSparrow

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I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 13, 2019, 08:57:28 PM »
I just relapsed. Twice. And I relapsed two days ago. And then two days before that. Four days in a week. My worst porn binge in months. And right at the time where I realized I hate porn more than I ever knew I could. I just want to shout from the rooftops how much I hate it. It's taken EVERYTHING from me! I've had mental breakdowns due to heightened anxiety and obsessively questioning my sexuality. (I know for a fact that I'm not gay, but at the time, it was terrifying) I've lost women in whole or in part over it. It makes me obsessive and downright creepy towards women, even when I desperately try to stop. And the worst part is that I know exactly what I need to do. I just can't do it!

Every time I seem to be doing ok in a reboot, something comes out of left field and knocks me on my ass. I can barely go a week sober. I've learned so much about my addiction and how to fight it, but it can all go out the window in an instant and getting back on the wagon is impossible. I make rookie mistakes after a relapse. It's like I forget how to do things. My willpower drains away. And for whatever reason, I'm not doing what I should be doing, which is treating porn addiction like it's the top priority in my life.

Case and point: Work sucked today. I went home and crashed. I try to make a habit out of going to the gym. When I do, I almost never relapse. Exercise is great for that. I should be going every day and I know it. But I was tired. I said, "I'll be fine. I'll skip today. I'm too tired for porn." Then I fucking relapse TWICE. Do you know how many times I've weaseled out of the gym in my head this way only to relapse hours later? I know it's effective at stopping relapses. Hell, once I start cardio, I'm wide awake and the workday melts away. So why the hell do I keep doing this???

Why can't I stop. I want to stop. There's no pleasure anymore. I'm weak and tired. I'm miserable and feel like my mental state can't get any worse. It's been almost 6 whole years since I started. God knows what I've done to my sperm/prostate/healthy sex drives in my brain. I want to check into rehab or go to therapy, but porn addiction isn't recognized as an addiction and is barely understood by anyone aside from us here. I want to tell my friends and family and beg for help, but I'd die of shame if I did. I couldn't stand to see the anguish of my mother or disappointment of my father. My best friend is my rock and I feel that even he could never look at me the same again. I feel trapped. I want out so bad. More than ever. I'm desperate and there's no end in sight. What can I do? I'm begging anyone I can for help. I need to have my life back. I need to. I'm terrified of the consequences if I don't. What do I do? I'm truly on my last leg here. I've seen how orn has warped my mind and my life and I need it to stop.

DoneAtLast

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2019, 10:45:37 PM »
I'm sorry to hear about this.

Are you American?  Will your insurance cover therapy/counseling?  I know in a lot of metro areas you can search (Psychology Today maybe?) and many will list sex/porn addiction as something that they deal with, even though it may not technically be in the DSM.  If you're out in the sticks it might be harder, but where I am, a moderately sized city but by no means a metropolis, there are several listed that could be promising.

malando

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2019, 12:58:33 AM »
Man, I'm so sorry to hear of your anguish. It's a vile beast, to be sure, but you can fight your way out of this. I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your family, but I really think your friend would understand. The thing about those "rock" friends is that they have certain attributes that make them the perfect confidants: they are loyal, non-judgemental, supportive, compassionate. I think you should trust in your friend and say something like, "man, you are the only person I trust to talk about this, but there's something I'm really struggling with and I am not coping on my own with it" and go from there. I'd be astonished if he wasn't supportive to you. He'll want to help you. He would have noticed all the anguish anyway, and he hasn't left yet. Why would he leave just because he finally found out the reason? You need to have some faith and confide in somebody so you can get some support - and somebody you can call in your hour of need. Please think this over because I sense from your post today that isolation is really hurting you. Don't lose hope! Best wishes, M.

Lero

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2019, 05:01:20 AM »
I know exactly what you're talking about, man. I'm with you. I've been through a lot of that. I had hundreds of moments when I was sure I couldn't make it. I used to say stuff like: "Not every addict gets clean. Some people can do it and some can't and I can't." When you're addiction bullies you completely, you feel like there is absolutely no way out. "How could I pick myself up and make progress when I feel miserable?" It's not easy. The misery makes a new try so hard. You just want to lie down and do nothing. I had moments in my past when I didn't care anymore if I died or not.

I came to this forum almost 3 months ago and I considered that the day the start of a new attempt (because it was different this time, I didn't do it alone, in silence anymore). I kept relapsing constantly after 4-5 days, binging, edging for hours etc. (the good stuff  :D). I said: "What the fuck is going on? I mean, I've read everything I could read, I've watched everything I could watch, I know a lot about this recovery process, I know steps, but I still fucking relapse constantly!" But you see, I started this new attempt with a plan in mind. I didn't try to beat this by luck only. After every relapse, I said to myself: "Trust the plan." The plan was actually simple and it doesn't have to be complicated. I paid attention to my porn life. "How do I relapse? What goes on before I watch porn? What makes me want to watch porn?" Then 24 days ago, everything "clicked". I realized what was going on. A relapse starts earlier in your mind. It could be hours, it could be minutes or just 30 seconds. In the past, this was my routine: The urges started, the autopilot turned on, I got that tunnel vision when only porn was in front of me and I started looking for porn material to watch. But then I became aware of this. I started seeing it coming. I identified that big impulse to look for porn material and I said: "What if I don't look for any material when this impulse starts?"

And I began implementing this 24 days ago, at the end of July. Anytime I felt urges, no matter how hard, I stopped myself and didn't search for any porn material. Anytime I had a very big, insatiable craving for porn, I stopped right there and didn't look for any porn. Anytime I felt low, stressed out, anxious etc. I felt the craving to use porn for soothing/self-medication/anti-depressed but I stopped there and didn't search for any porn. Complete starvation for the addicted brain. It's simple, really. You don't search for any porn material no matter what happens. Stay away from everything that feeds the addicted brain. This includes: Hardcore porn, softcore porn, solo scenes, social media pictures, Youtube pants trying, Youtube music videos, Tinder. Identify everything that you would search for when craving/urges start and stay away from it. Don't touch it. You don't deal with urges by doing exactly what you must not do: Watch/look at porn material. Unfortunately, only time will stop the urges and craving for porn. You could do things like cold showers, exercise etc. but only time will completely eliminate them. The brain needs time to reboot. After years of shaping it with porn, we need a period of time until it shapes itself back. And we are not safe even then. We always have to be careful not to play with fire and go back to the porn life we hated so much.

Never forget how post-relapse misery feels like and use that as a reminder to never go back there. Don't edge to porn material, don't drown yourself in "porn in your head" (porn flashbacks, porn induced fantasies - This one is hard, I had a hard time with but I did it). Porn is watching, thinking about it, drowning in the porn stored in your memory. Your brain addicted brain will only be starved if you stay away from porn (which includes everything I just said in the last sentence).

Don't beat yourself up. For 2 months I kept relapsing every fucking 4-5 days. Then I relapsed to edging on day 7. When I finally started staying away from porn, edging and indulging in "porn in my head", I got to 24 days and I surprised myself but it was no surprise, it was a simple thing done right, it was not giving in to urges and craving. If you read the entries for my current streak, I was sick with urges and craving. It was torture but I kept following the rule: No searching for porn, no grabbing my dick, nothing! It eventually clicked. I was ready.

It's posibble. I am no rebooting genius. I had a fucking hard time going past 4-5 days. I had no magic solution. I considered myself a hard case. And then I followed one simple rule and the streak started taking shape.

I'm not writting this to brag because I don't like bragging anyway. I just wanted to tell you that a "hard case" realized he was not a hard case at all.

Man, I didn't think the text would get that long. It's a lot of reading, sorry for this.

WoundedSparrow

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2019, 01:10:57 PM »
I know exactly what you're talking about, man. I'm with you. I've been through a lot of that. I had hundreds of moments when I was sure I couldn't make it. I used to say stuff like: "Not every addict gets clean. Some people can do it and some can't and I can't." When you're addiction bullies you completely, you feel like there is absolutely no way out. "How could I pick myself up and make progress when I feel miserable?" It's not easy. The misery makes a new try so hard. You just want to lie down and do nothing. I had moments in my past when I didn't care anymore if I died or not.

I came to this forum almost 3 months ago and I considered that the day the start of a new attempt (because it was different this time, I didn't do it alone, in silence anymore). I kept relapsing constantly after 4-5 days, binging, edging for hours etc. (the good stuff  :D). I said: "What the fuck is going on? I mean, I've read everything I could read, I've watched everything I could watch, I know a lot about this recovery process, I know steps, but I still fucking relapse constantly!" But you see, I started this new attempt with a plan in mind. I didn't try to beat this by luck only. After every relapse, I said to myself: "Trust the plan." The plan was actually simple and it doesn't have to be complicated. I paid attention to my porn life. "How do I relapse? What goes on before I watch porn? What makes me want to watch porn?" Then 24 days ago, everything "clicked". I realized what was going on. A relapse starts earlier in your mind. It could be hours, it could be minutes or just 30 seconds. In the past, this was my routine: The urges started, the autopilot turned on, I got that tunnel vision when only porn was in front of me and I started looking for porn material to watch. But then I became aware of this. I started seeing it coming. I identified that big impulse to look for porn material and I said: "What if I don't look for any material when this impulse starts?"

And I began implementing this 24 days ago, at the end of July. Anytime I felt urges, no matter how hard, I stopped myself and didn't search for any porn material. Anytime I had a very big, insatiable craving for porn, I stopped right there and didn't look for any porn. Anytime I felt low, stressed out, anxious etc. I felt the craving to use porn for soothing/self-medication/anti-depressed but I stopped there and didn't search for any porn. Complete starvation for the addicted brain. It's simple, really. You don't search for any porn material no matter what happens. Stay away from everything that feeds the addicted brain. This includes: Hardcore porn, softcore porn, solo scenes, social media pictures, Youtube pants trying, Youtube music videos, Tinder. Identify everything that you would search for when craving/urges start and stay away from it. Don't touch it. You don't deal with urges by doing exactly what you must not do: Watch/look at porn material. Unfortunately, only time will stop the urges and craving for porn. You could do things like cold showers, exercise etc. but only time will completely eliminate them. The brain needs time to reboot. After years of shaping it with porn, we need a period of time until it shapes itself back. And we are not safe even then. We always have to be careful not to play with fire and go back to the porn life we hated so much.

Never forget how post-relapse misery feels like and use that as a reminder to never go back there. Don't edge to porn material, don't drown yourself in "porn in your head" (porn flashbacks, porn induced fantasies - This one is hard, I had a hard time with but I did it). Porn is watching, thinking about it, drowning in the porn stored in your memory. Your brain addicted brain will only be starved if you stay away from porn (which includes everything I just said in the last sentence).

Don't beat yourself up. For 2 months I kept relapsing every fucking 4-5 days. Then I relapsed to edging on day 7. When I finally started staying away from porn, edging and indulging in "porn in my head", I got to 24 days and I surprised myself but it was no surprise, it was a simple thing done right, it was not giving in to urges and craving. If you read the entries for my current streak, I was sick with urges and craving. It was torture but I kept following the rule: No searching for porn, no grabbing my dick, nothing! It eventually clicked. I was ready.

It's posibble. I am no rebooting genius. I had a fucking hard time going past 4-5 days. I had no magic solution. I considered myself a hard case. And then I followed one simple rule and the streak started taking shape.

I'm not writting this to brag because I don't like bragging anyway. I just wanted to tell you that a "hard case" realized he was not a hard case at all.

Man, I didn't think the text would get that long. It's a lot of reading, sorry for this.

My trouble is that I'm more than capable of rebooting, at least partially. This year has been my most productive year for porn recovery. In November, I went 30 days with no PMO. During Christmas, another 2 weeks. Feb-Mar was another 30 days. Several 2-3 week stints since then. Recently I relapsed after almost a 2-week reboot. I CAN do it. I know I can, and I have. And I feel amazing when I do. But I also feel completely helpless when I fall off the wagon. One mistake and it's like I forget how to reboot. I let simple mistakes/triggers drive me back to porn. I have to relearn how to quit. I have never gone 30 days, relapsed, then gone a week clean. I always fall into a hole that takes months to escape before I can even begin rebooting again and that's my biggest problem. I'm at the point in my life where my addiction carries almost no pleasure and I understand fully what is happening to my life and my mind. I hate it more than anything. Above all else, I want to be free. I need to take my life back.

Lero

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2019, 02:51:17 PM »
My trouble is that I'm more than capable of rebooting, at least partially. This year has been my most productive year for porn recovery. In November, I went 30 days with no PMO. During Christmas, another 2 weeks. Feb-Mar was another 30 days. Several 2-3 week stints since then. Recently I relapsed after almost a 2-week reboot. I CAN do it. I know I can, and I have. And I feel amazing when I do. But I also feel completely helpless when I fall off the wagon. One mistake and it's like I forget how to reboot. I let simple mistakes/triggers drive me back to porn. I have to relearn how to quit. I have never gone 30 days, relapsed, then gone a week clean. I always fall into a hole that takes months to escape before I can even begin rebooting again and that's my biggest problem. I'm at the point in my life where my addiction carries almost no pleasure and I understand fully what is happening to my life and my mind. I hate it more than anything. Above all else, I want to be free. I need to take my life back.

How do you relapse after 30 days?

WoundedSparrow

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2019, 12:23:50 PM »
My trouble is that I'm more than capable of rebooting, at least partially. This year has been my most productive year for porn recovery. In November, I went 30 days with no PMO. During Christmas, another 2 weeks. Feb-Mar was another 30 days. Several 2-3 week stints since then. Recently I relapsed after almost a 2-week reboot. I CAN do it. I know I can, and I have. And I feel amazing when I do. But I also feel completely helpless when I fall off the wagon. One mistake and it's like I forget how to reboot. I let simple mistakes/triggers drive me back to porn. I have to relearn how to quit. I have never gone 30 days, relapsed, then gone a week clean. I always fall into a hole that takes months to escape before I can even begin rebooting again and that's my biggest problem. I'm at the point in my life where my addiction carries almost no pleasure and I understand fully what is happening to my life and my mind. I hate it more than anything. Above all else, I want to be free. I need to take my life back.

I assume the process is different for everyone, but for me, the first few weeks in a reboot attempt are the hardest. After I get past the two week hump, it's smooth sailing until around 30 days. Then I get cravings so intense that I relapse. I don't know what symptoms lie beyond that first 30 days for me. I've only ever gone a month a few times, so I know what to expect when I get there again. But some people go many months or even a year or more before relapsing. The reboot process is one long string of withdrawal effects. Brain fog, cravings, apathy, etc. It's different for every person and is most potent in the first 90 days. For those 90 days, you're forcing your brain to rewire itself back to its original porn-free state and the brain doesn't like it. It's used to copious amounts of dopamine. Every day it tries to find a way to get you back to porn.

How do you relapse after 30 days?

Lero

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2019, 02:02:59 PM »
I assume the process is different for everyone, but for me, the first few weeks in a reboot attempt are the hardest. After I get past the two week hump, it's smooth sailing until around 30 days. Then I get cravings so intense that I relapse. I don't know what symptoms lie beyond that first 30 days for me. I've only ever gone a month a few times, so I know what to expect when I get there again. But some people go many months or even a year or more before relapsing. The reboot process is one long string of withdrawal effects. Brain fog, cravings, apathy, etc. It's different for every person and is most potent in the first 90 days. For those 90 days, you're forcing your brain to rewire itself back to its original porn-free state and the brain doesn't like it. It's used to copious amounts of dopamine. Every day it tries to find a way to get you back to porn.

After 25 days, I definitely agree that it could get really brutal. Looking back now at some days, they were killing me. Fortunately, I survived following my "complete starvation" mindset. It helped.



arpitkhakha

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2019, 11:26:47 PM »
I know how you feel, I have never made it more than a week without fapping in my life, since I first did it when I was around 13, and now I am almost 30, I feel like it is impossible, I have tried and failed so many times that I gave up on quitting years ago, and accepted it a part of my life and lived in denial that it wasn't an addiction, thinking that it won't ruin my life if I don't fight it, but every time I try to leave it alone for a while, I fall off the wagon harder and rougher than before, I was surfing the deep web looking at highly illegal porn and masturbating to it, again and again, till it was my normal, normal hardcore stuff didn't do it for me, I wanted illegal, highly taboo and violent stuff to get off to, I can't even say the stuff I was into here because of the blow back I will get and probable legal problems I can get into, but believe me I know how you feel, I have been suicidal for years, since I was a young teen, and I have seriously planned my own death countless times, or thought about just cutting off my genitals to get rid of this curse. I relapsed twice last night within one hour after 4 days of abstaining, the trigger as I see it is fantasizing about something, as soon as my brain is thinking it, my body will follow. I try to fight it, trying to go to sleep when I feel like I may relapse, I can't think straight.
I just find it hopeless, I don't even know if there is a another side of this fight, where it will be easier or if I will have to live like this when abstaining, with muscle cramps, and temper on high alert, violent and cranky all the time, unable to sleep, unable to work or study on computer without watching porn or reading erotica or sex chatting . ever where I go I can't escape it, this is hopeless, but I will continue to fight, as long as I am alive, even if this has to become my new normal, I am rewiring my brain and it wont be easy, so I will keep doing it, no matter how much I hate myself, I will keep doing it.

malando

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2019, 12:06:44 AM »
I know how you feel, I have never made it more than a week without fapping in my life, since I first did it when I was around 13, and now I am almost 30, I feel like it is impossible, I have tried and failed so many times that I gave up on quitting years ago, and accepted it a part of my life and lived in denial that it wasn't an addiction, thinking that it won't ruin my life if I don't fight it, but every time I try to leave it alone for a while, I fall off the wagon harder and rougher than before, I was surfing the deep web looking at highly illegal porn and masturbating to it, again and again, till it was my normal, normal hardcore stuff didn't do it for me, I wanted illegal, highly taboo and violent stuff to get off to, I can't even say the stuff I was into here because of the blow back I will get and probable legal problems I can get into, but believe me I know how you feel, I have been suicidal for years, since I was a young teen, and I have seriously planned my own death countless times, or thought about just cutting off my genitals to get rid of this curse. I relapsed twice last night within one hour after 4 days of abstaining, the trigger as I see it is fantasizing about something, as soon as my brain is thinking it, my body will follow. I try to fight it, trying to go to sleep when I feel like I may relapse, I can't think straight.
I just find it hopeless, I don't even know if there is a another side of this fight, where it will be easier or if I will have to live like this when abstaining, with muscle cramps, and temper on high alert, violent and cranky all the time, unable to sleep, unable to work or study on computer without watching porn or reading erotica or sex chatting . ever where I go I can't escape it, this is hopeless, but I will continue to fight, as long as I am alive, even if this has to become my new normal, I am rewiring my brain and it wont be easy, so I will keep doing it, no matter how much I hate myself, I will keep doing it.
You should think very carefully about this illegal stuff you're viewing. Do you think this material is actually morally wrong? If any part of you is indifferent to this material, you should seek help immediately. You should do that anyway because what you are doing could very easily take your freedom. These days, law enforcement can catch up with you when you least suspect it. Your entire life could be in the toilet if you don't get yourself away from this stuff pronto. More than that, you shouldn't let yourself think that just because you're a raging porn addict who wants ever increasing stimulation to get off, then it's acceptable to arouse yourself with material that involves the illegal exploitation of others. So let's just get this clear right now, shall we? Do not consume material like this - it's evil, it's cruel, it's exploitative. No amount of stimulation can justify supporting that industry. I'm coming down hard on you here because I think you need a serious reality check. It's not that I can't relate or sympathise with your addiction. All of us here can. But you can't be looking at that illegal shit. I think you should throw all your computer devices in the trash before you look at that again. I'm not even kidding - if you can't resist, you don't deserve to even have a computer in your life. If word gets out what you've been looking at, nobody is going to understand or be forgiving just because you are the product of porn escalation. They'll just judge what you were caught looking at. So stop that shit, okay?

Now, what changes are you actually willing to make to stop this cycle? How far are you willing to go? I think you need to take this more seriously than you have been. It's a give up at all costs scenario for you now. I'm happy to talk this through with you, but I want you to make a promise that you won't go near that dark web stuff again, ok?

WoundedSparrow

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2019, 01:49:41 PM »
I know how you feel, I have never made it more than a week without fapping in my life, since I first did it when I was around 13, and now I am almost 30, I feel like it is impossible, I have tried and failed so many times that I gave up on quitting years ago, and accepted it a part of my life and lived in denial that it wasn't an addiction, thinking that it won't ruin my life if I don't fight it, but every time I try to leave it alone for a while, I fall off the wagon harder and rougher than before, I was surfing the deep web looking at highly illegal porn and masturbating to it, again and again, till it was my normal, normal hardcore stuff didn't do it for me, I wanted illegal, highly taboo and violent stuff to get off to, I can't even say the stuff I was into here because of the blow back I will get and probable legal problems I can get into, but believe me I know how you feel, I have been suicidal for years, since I was a young teen, and I have seriously planned my own death countless times, or thought about just cutting off my genitals to get rid of this curse. I relapsed twice last night within one hour after 4 days of abstaining, the trigger as I see it is fantasizing about something, as soon as my brain is thinking it, my body will follow. I try to fight it, trying to go to sleep when I feel like I may relapse, I can't think straight.
I just find it hopeless, I don't even know if there is a another side of this fight, where it will be easier or if I will have to live like this when abstaining, with muscle cramps, and temper on high alert, violent and cranky all the time, unable to sleep, unable to work or study on computer without watching porn or reading erotica or sex chatting . ever where I go I can't escape it, this is hopeless, but I will continue to fight, as long as I am alive, even if this has to become my new normal, I am rewiring my brain and it wont be easy, so I will keep doing it, no matter how much I hate myself, I will keep doing it.
I agree with Malando. We all experience tolerance to "vanilla" porn, but most of us don't venture into the realm of what you've gotten yourself into. I don't want to know what kind of stuff you've been looking at, but if it's illegal, you need to stop looking at it immediately. Like he said, throw your hard drive in the trash and never look back. I understand that you don't want to look at these terrible things, but there are limits on what's acceptable even among those of us with the strongest addictions. What you're looking at constitutes as disturbing and deeply immoral by all metrics and the creation of the material you consume requires abuse and exploitation of people so vile that mere words cannot convey it. I would also seek mental health counselling otherwise you may be looking at severe prison time.

WoundedSparrow

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2019, 11:22:56 AM »
Update: Last night, almost a week since writing my original post, I relapsed again. Twice. My mental state has been in utter shambles the past week, likely owing to my hideous binge a week prior. It's my fault entirely. I haven't been to the gym once since trying to reboot again, and I know that exercise has by far been the best medicine for my mind regarding porn. I keep making excuses as to why I can't go. I tell myself I'll be fine then at 1 in the morning, I'm on my phone relapsing again. I'm my own worst enemy here. My own lethargy is what holds me back and it's no excuse. You'd think that I'd jump at the chance for an almost guaranteed get out of jail free card for a night simply by hitting the gym for an hour but I don't. What the hell is wrong with me? I know exactly what to do, but I won't do it. 

DoneAtLast

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2019, 10:45:20 PM »
Update: Last night, almost a week since writing my original post, I relapsed again. Twice. My mental state has been in utter shambles the past week, likely owing to my hideous binge a week prior. It's my fault entirely. I haven't been to the gym once since trying to reboot again, and I know that exercise has by far been the best medicine for my mind regarding porn. I keep making excuses as to why I can't go. I tell myself I'll be fine then at 1 in the morning, I'm on my phone relapsing again. I'm my own worst enemy here. My own lethargy is what holds me back and it's no excuse. You'd think that I'd jump at the chance for an almost guaranteed get out of jail free card for a night simply by hitting the gym for an hour but I don't. What the hell is wrong with me? I know exactly what to do, but I won't do it.

I wouldn't blame your "lethargy".  One big problem with porn is that the potential to view it follows us everywhere.  If we try to busy at every waking moment (and even half asleep ones) to disperse porn urges, we'll make ourselves crazy.  No one can possibly keep up that kind of pace.  It sounds to me that you have some really good tactics for active times with hitting the gym, but it is the down times that are hard.  I'd say, don't beat yourself up for simply having down time.  You are entitled to down time, you deserve it, and even need to have it. 

Lero

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2019, 03:43:24 AM »
I wouldn't blame your "lethargy".  One big problem with porn is that the potential to view it follows us everywhere.  If we try to busy at every waking moment (and even half asleep ones) to disperse porn urges, we'll make ourselves crazy.  No one can possibly keep up that kind of pace.  It sounds to me that you have some really good tactics for active times with hitting the gym, but it is the down times that are hard.  I'd say, don't beat yourself up for simply having down time.  You are entitled to down time, you deserve it, and even need to have it.

That's right, man. One thing that you think about is to keep yourself as busy as possible to stay away from porn but you can't really be busy 24/7. I wouldn't even try that, I will burn myself up. I need my time to rest, to do things that I like. And this is where urges could attack me. We need a strategy for those times too. I know mine. I know what I do. I don't search for any porn material no matter how much the craving drives me crazy. I don't edge to porn flashbacks and fantasies, I don't grab my dick. I let the urges fill my body from head to toe and wait until they lower their intensity. I observe the urges for what they are: The withdrawal. Withdrawal is a short period of time in comparison to the rest of our life. We endure it now and then we are free for life. Choose life, don't choose temporary fake medication. We don't deal with withdrawal by engaging in what we must avoid. A relapse doesn't stop the suffering, it only postpones it but we still have to go through it if we really want to be done with porn. It's never easy but it's never impossible.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 03:46:18 AM by Lero »

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2019, 04:42:17 AM »
One of the the great myths of the modern world is the idea that boredom=bad, and that you should do everything you can to avoid boredom. But actually I have read some interesting articles which suggest that boredom is important. Sometimes we should be just sitting down in a room without stimulation. It leads to at the brain being more thoughtful and creative, and also in tune with your needs and your progress, assess new opportunities and directions. As long as you are pumping all kinds of external stimulus into your mind, you tend to silence the inner voice that otherwise would, and should, speak up and let you know what it wants, what it thinks, what it's unsatisfied by, etc.

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2019, 05:13:09 AM »
One of the the great myths of the modern world is the idea that boredom=bad, and that you should do everything you can to avoid boredom. But actually I have read some interesting articles which suggest that boredom is important. Sometimes we should be just sitting down in a room without stimulation. It leads to at the brain being more thoughtful and creative, and also in tune with your needs and your progress, assess new opportunities and directions. As long as you are pumping all kinds of external stimulus into your mind, you tend to silence the inner voice that otherwise would, and should, speak up and let you know what it wants, what it thinks, what it's unsatisfied by, etc.

I definitely like that.

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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2019, 06:36:24 AM »
One of the the great myths of the modern world is the idea that boredom=bad, and that you should do everything you can to avoid boredom. But actually I have read some interesting articles which suggest that boredom is important. Sometimes we should be just sitting down in a room without stimulation. It leads to at the brain being more thoughtful and creative, and also in tune with your needs and your progress, assess new opportunities and directions. As long as you are pumping all kinds of external stimulus into your mind, you tend to silence the inner voice that otherwise would, and should, speak up and let you know what it wants, what it thinks, what it's unsatisfied by, etc.

So much this! For me, boredom almost always to being creative. Also, daydreaming, just lying in the grass in a park for example "doing nothing" is a very healthy activity for the brain. From an outside perspective it may seem like you are lazy wasting time but the brain uses this "idle time" to sort thoughts, form new connections and other stuff that needs to be done. We have a false sense that we always need to do something.
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Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2019, 09:27:49 PM »
One of the the great myths of the modern world is the idea that boredom=bad, and that you should do everything you can to avoid boredom. But actually I have read some interesting articles which suggest that boredom is important. Sometimes we should be just sitting down in a room without stimulation. It leads to at the brain being more thoughtful and creative, and also in tune with your needs and your progress, assess new opportunities and directions. As long as you are pumping all kinds of external stimulus into your mind, you tend to silence the inner voice that otherwise would, and should, speak up and let you know what it wants, what it thinks, what it's unsatisfied by, etc.

So much this! For me, boredom almost always to being creative. Also, daydreaming, just lying in the grass in a park for example "doing nothing" is a very healthy activity for the brain. From an outside perspective it may seem like you are lazy wasting time but the brain uses this "idle time" to sort thoughts, form new connections and other stuff that needs to be done. We have a false sense that we always need to do something.

Yeah, and I think we never really develop thoughts of our own when we don't let ourselves think on our own.  Someone who is always scrolling through news feeds, Twitter, or blogs is the person who can only seem to ever argue other people's points committed to memory, instead of having real thoughts of their own.

Lately I've been gaining a lot in the way of thoughtfulness and mental health just by trying to increase my reading.  When I read, I force myself to stay focused on my book.  It is often kinda painful for the first five minutes where I get antsy and try thinking about other things or grabbing my phone, but after making it through that I get absorbed in my book, and I feel so much more fulfilled having spent that time than if I did anything else.  After that hump, I just start cranking through the pages.  I'm almost two years porn free, but a lot of the ADHD stuff hangs on, partly just because that is the world we live in, even without considering porn.

I'm not sure that reading would help the OP, since reading requires a certain amount of mental energy and will power, and we're looking for low hanging fruit.  Then again, if there is some reading that is light enough... manga, comics, short stories, whatever, it can be good.  But, good low energy activities can be helpful.  I think this is part of why people find meditation so helpful, because you can start practicing it any time, any where.  For me it means the rosary or divine mercy chaplet (Catholic stuff), but I am sure there are other things.