Help Me Leave That Black Rose Alone

[newguyneedschange]

4/1/14
I'm 24 years old, and I want to quit porn for both ED reasons as well as religious. I have a good job right now, but I'm working on acquiring a new one with a local security agency. My goals are to decrease the amount of time it takes me to run a mile to sub-8:00, re-landscape my yard, and put pornography so far behind me that the branded images leave my mind.


When I was about 12 or 13 I had no friends, I was the weird kid at school who got good grades but sucked at sports and social situations. I was very shy and spent a lot of time alone or with my dad working on the farm. I wasn't unhappy by any means, but I was a loner. One summer a kid my age moved up the road from me, he was my age and was into some of the same things I was. We hit it off and became friends. It wasn't long before we started sharing stories and having sleep overs. My new friend told me about his step dad, who was extremely abusive and would hit him and his mom if he didn't do his chores on time. He also said he would watch movies with naked people and make my friend sit on the couch and watch them with him. My friend started to come over with porn when I was 13ish and he would ask me to stash it so he didn't get in trouble. I knew it was wrong, but I had this fear of him getting beat if I told an adult. I would look at it when he was gone and I finally started throwing it away and telling him I lost it or that someone had found it. My friend started to get mean and threaten me, so I did what he said from fear. I felt dirty and ashamed, but he was big could kick my butt, and if I said anything he'd get beat. When we were 15 my friend got into drugs, That was where I drew the line and decided that I didn't have to be afraid of him anymore. I stopped hanging out with him, took a few beatings from him, and told him I wasn't going to be quiet about it anymore. Once he saw he couldn't beat me into submission we stopped talking to each other. I still feel bad for this guy, were 24 years old now and I still wonder if he ever got his life in order and if his mom is still in an abusive home.

Over the years after I pushed my once best friend out of my life, I gained new friends have had a good life graduated college, and have had a good job. But whenever life has gotten really hard I turned back to porn. If a relationship went sour, i turned to porn, if i got depressed I turned to porn, whatever put me down just pushed me into porn. It gets to where even seeing a pretty girl makes me have fantasies. It makes me mad because that isn't how i want to think, I don't want to be a pervert, I don't want to be that creep, but when things get tough its like i turn off my willpower and let it happen.

I have mild ED from porn and I want to end it. I have made a breakthrough recently and I believe it has helped, but I know it alone isn't enough because I still go back when things get tough. I have realized that I turn to porn when I lose control of my life, or when I feel the need to objectify women because my old friend made me feel like i wasn't a man. I have overcompensated and turned into a stereotypical sexist jerk who uses women. I know that is wrong and I'm going to stop.

I have a belief in God and I know he probably isn't to happy with my choices thus far in my life. I'm hoping this can be the real start to getting my life back to where I want it, so I can become a real man instead of just trying to look the part. Please anyone who has any advice on staying and getting out of porns grasp give me tips. I know I am capable of beating addiction because I've done it with others before. But porn is a new animal it isn't like a substance that you can just throw out and not let yourself buy, its everywhere. The images are burned in my brain and even if i was all alone on a mountain top i could still picture and fantasize without having to lift a finger.

Please help me out and I'll try to return the favor.

[shake19]

Welcome to the Nation!

I've read your story and it's really well-written and interesting. You've done good choices in your life and it is a great base to start the battle with PMO addiction. Whenever you are bored or feel depressed and the urges to PMO are coming just go into this website, read stories of the guys, take the knowledge about the addiction and it will surely kind of calm you down. It is natural that you still can arouse yourself just by showing images in your mind - I assure you that it will start to dissapear after some days. The longer you will be free from PMO the more confident you will be. Don't look at anything arousing and whenever your brain gets you into watching something arousing just switch the website to this nation or www.yourbrainonporn.com and you will do a good choice. You could even congratulate yourself when you fight it back like this. As I also am Christian I felt very bad coming again and again to the confession telling the same sin of porn and masturbation. Always after the confession I promised myself that next time I won't have this sin. The first thing that made it real was this forum and this forum gave me strength to withstand for over 27 days and beat my personal best totally clean of PMO.

I wish you all the best and stay with us on this journey! I will be glad if I can help and accompany you in the route to the real freedom.

[newguyneedschange]

Thanks Shake, I'd love the company down this road. I got on here this morning feeling alone and wanting to distract myself. Seeing that you had replied and taken the time to read my post gave me a boost of confidence I've never experienced when trying to overcome addiction. I always thought support groups was a bunch of bull, but you sir have proven me wrong today.

[newguyneedschange]

4/2/14
Its funny I've gone up to 3 weeks before without P without any trouble, but its day 2 and my body seems to know this time i intentionally want to avoid it because I am fighting hard today. At my job I constantly have to look at names, probably a few hundred a day. Every so often a name will remind me of the name of an actress and my brain wants to go look up said actress. I've never had to fight that kind of temptation before when I've tried to stop POMing. To me that is confirmation that my body recognizes this time I'm committed where as in the past I've been only half committed, or set an extremely low goal.

I don't doubt that I'll make it through today just fine, I'm in the fight my addiction mood enough that the challenge is driving me. I am a little worried about myself for the next 7 days. I work swing shifts of 7 on 7 off, and my shift ends today. Which means I'll be home with a lot of free time for 7 days. I'm going to try and keep myself very busy, and maybe even go visit some family. I don't know that I'll update every day this next week because I will be trying to avoid down time as much as possible which means I might not have internet access.

I know I'm on here for support, but i'm also hoping to support others. If I don't post on your journal and you think I might be able to relate to you, please bring it to my attention. I've fought other sorts of addictions before and won the battle, POM is a different breed of addiction, but withdrawals are often the same for different addictions.

[lte]

You're not alone my friend. I am a Christian, and while I don't believe masturbation and porn to be literally sin, in the sense that murder would be sin, I believe with all my heart that lusting is still a bad idea and hinders our ability to stand before our Creator with a completely clear conscience. He gave us the gifts of sex and romantic love, we should use them wisely.

Keep fighting, it will get easier with time.

[shake19]

newguyneedschange, whenever you know that you will be in the hard situation as such you have at your job please always remember that looking up for some actresses names or doing anything even slightly arousing is the wrong choice and it won't lead to anything good. You are sure that you want as great mind and life as it is possible so just always stay sure that giving a way for arousals is bad choice and there is no explanation that may convert it to a good choice. Keep going!

[newguyneedschange]

4/10/14

Well I'll cut right to the point, this last week wasn't my best. I reset Friday, Monday, and today. I know I can do better than this, but its like my brain is so foggy I don't feel the guilt of it all. I got a little insight over the weekend though that I'm hoping can help others and its something that has stuck in the back of my mind.

What we look up on the internet follows us around, every search every click is recorded and creates in internet profile for us specifically. Then ads chase us around, and before we know it our addiction is staring us in the face each time we log on. In a sense we become what we search. The more you feed your addiction the more you will become an addict, and I don't know about you guys, but an addict is the last thing I want to be classified as. Right now its a fact I'm an addict, but its a title I hope to one day change to I used to be an addict.

Also my PMO Tracker says 365 but that is just because I want a bar showing me my progress, truth be told this is an eternal thing for me, I don't want to have a set back ever not just for a year.

[lte]

4/10/14

Well I'll cut right to the point, this last week wasn't my best. I reset Friday, Monday, and today. I know I can do better than this, but its like my brain is so foggy I don't feel the guilt of it all. I got a little insight over the weekend though that I'm hoping can help others and its something that has stuck in the back of my mind.

What we look up on the internet follows us around, every search every click is recorded and creates in internet profile for us specifically. Then ads chase us around, and before we know it our addiction is staring us in the face each time we log on. In a sense we become what we search. The more you feed your addiction the more you will become an addict, and I don't know about you guys, but an addict is the last thing I want to be classified as. Right now its a fact I'm an addict, but its a title I hope to one day change to I used to be an addict.

Also my PMO Tracker says 365 but that is just because I want a bar showing me my progress, truth be told this is an eternal thing for me, I don't want to have a set back ever not just for a year.

There will always be temptation, be it cave paintings or Internet porn. The answer is still the same, don't seek erotic excitement apart from that you get with a partner.

[robust]

Also my PMO Tracker says 365 but that is just because I want a bar showing me my progress, truth be told this is an eternal thing for me, I don't want to have a set back ever not just for a year.

That's the right way to look at it. The only right, in my opinion. All the best.

[newguyneedschange]

4/16/14
     So i have a couple questions about how P has affected some of you guys. I'm still sexually active, and I haven't had ED so much as I just want to get far far away from all this junk. I have noticed though that I don't get as much of a sensation from sex as I used to. Is this normal when Rebooting I got frustrated from it and it led me down my dark path of reset today and I think I need to better educate myself so that if it is normal I know to expect it, and if it isn't normal to keep an eye on it. Thanks

[lte]

Anything is possible. You are adapting away from high stimulation to normal stimulation.

[newguyneedschange]

Alright so I just went 3ish weeks without even getting on here. I lost the guilt feeling for PMO and went straight to feeling sorry for myself and telling myself it was ok because I needed a release. Long story short, I feel the need to get working on this again. I didn't get the job I mentioned in my first post, but thats ok, they are hiring again in a few months. I meet all the physical requirements now i just didn't do to well on the interview. I got a promotion at my current job which should look better on my resume for when they hire again. I also have a good shot at a similar job coming up in a few months. The reason I'm explaining this is because I want my mind to be clear this time around. I don't want to be worried about anything but these jobs, which means I need to go PMO free from here on out. This time I will be better about checking in more regularly and I will be better about thinking before acting. That is a big one for me. It seems I PMO out of habit more than desire.

[lte]

Alright so I just went 3ish weeks without even getting on here. I lost the guilt feeling for PMO and went straight to feeling sorry for myself and telling myself it was ok because I needed a release. Long story short, I feel the need to get working on this again. I didn't get the job I mentioned in my first post, but thats ok, they are hiring again in a few months. I meet all the physical requirements now i just didn't do to well on the interview. I got a promotion at my current job which should look better on my resume for when they hire again. I also have a good shot at a similar job coming up in a few months. The reason I'm explaining this is because I want my mind to be clear this time around. I don't want to be worried about anything but these jobs, which means I need to go PMO free from here on out. This time I will be better about checking in more regularly and I will be better about thinking before acting. That is a big one for me. It seems I PMO out of habit more than desire.

PMO is not a reward of any sort. If you feel self pity PMO will only make it worse. Back on the wagon, my friend.

[jon86]

Anything is possible. You are adapting away from high stimulation to normal stimulation.

that is so true

[lte]

Anything is possible. You are adapting away from high stimulation to normal stimulation.

that is so true

Someone once suggested that we are all in flatline when we are practicing PMO and that's why we require the super-stimulation of porn. Take away the porn and the flatline becomes visible. Getting past that can take months, but it's worth it. For the first time ever I have normal levels of desire. I'm not overly horny and I just feel right.

[newguyneedschange]

5/14/14
Alright Boys its been a few days since I've been on here but i'm happy to say its still going good. I catch myself starting to search something I shouldn't and hit the backspace key, I get curious about what I can maybe find and tell myself it isn't worth the hunt anyway. I'm a big hunter I love the search the stalk the hunt and the reward is almost always worth the work. I'm learning that the hunt for something PMO related is not worth the work, even with how little work is required.
My dad always said if something is easy it probably isn't worth it in the first place. PMOing is so easy, anyone can find P online and take it from there, but it isn't worth it because then you feel the need for PMO it grabs you and holds you down and controls you.

Thanks everyone for the support so far.

[newguyneedschange]

5/20/2014
I have come to the realization that quitting PMO is harder than I expected. I thought oh all i need to do is write about it every so often on this page and I'll be free from addiction. I was wrong. I've also come to realize that quitting my own way is probably not going to work, if my way worked (just avoiding it and writing on here) then I'd be able to quit already.

Does anyone have any pointers for keeping your mind clean, curbing PMO cravings, gaining willpower, and most important changing the way your brain links cute girls to a desire to PMO. Everything has something that triggers my mind and It is making this a lot harder than I expected.

[lte]

5/20/2014
I have come to the realization that quitting PMO is harder than I expected. I thought oh all i need to do is write about it every so often on this page and I'll be free from addiction. I was wrong. I've also come to realize that quitting my own way is probably not going to work, if my way worked (just avoiding it and writing on here) then I'd be able to quit already.

Does anyone have any pointers for keeping your mind clean, curbing PMO cravings, gaining willpower, and most important changing the way your brain links cute girls to a desire to PMO. Everything has something that triggers my mind and It is making this a lot harder than I expected.

The first thing is to realize that it is possible. You don't need a "release", you don't need to drain your prostate, you can live without sex for as long as it takes to break free and to find a mate.

Second, you are I. Charge, not your penis, testicles or prostate. You can do this.

Third, you have to develop a new way of looking at sex. Sex isn't entertainment, it isn't casual. It's an important function within your life and deserves to be treated as such.

You can do this, but it does require change from within, and effort. Read Breaking the Cycle by George Collins, it will help.

[newguyneedschange]

5/28/14
I keep finding a coincidence with my set backs and where my forum lands on the site. The fact that I'm on page 3 shows I'm not on here enough. I don't have ED, and my real motivator is guilt because I see PMO as a bad thing. However its almost like i don't feel the guilt sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself its bad, because I don't feel bad for doing it. I need to get my PMO conscious back somehow. I'm thinking it might be brain fog keeping it from me, but I'm not really sure.

[lte]

5/28/14
I keep finding a coincidence with my set backs and where my forum lands on the site. The fact that I'm on page 3 shows I'm not on here enough. I don't have ED, and my real motivator is guilt because I see PMO as a bad thing. However its almost like i don't feel the guilt sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself its bad, because I don't feel bad for doing it. I need to get my PMO conscious back somehow. I'm thinking it might be brain fog keeping it from me, but I'm not really sure.

The guys that seem to do best tend to come here daily and they contribute to the journals of other forum members.

[newguyneedschange]

6/17/14

I almost gave in this morning. I've been having a dry spell in the sex department, and maybe thats a good thing. I still get the urge to have sex and in the past my release was PMO. I stopped myself today which I am actually sort of proud of myself for. My usual pitfall is releasing from being in the mood but not having a natural way to release so I use artificial ways. I think I've only been giving this a half effort and now I'm feeling more ready to actually give it my all.

[lte]

6/17/14

I almost gave in this morning. I've been having a dry spell in the sex department, and maybe thats a good thing. I still get the urge to have sex and in the past my release was PMO. I stopped myself today which I am actually sort of proud of myself for. My usual pitfall is releasing from being in the mood but not having a natural way to release so I use artificial ways. I think I've only been giving this a half effort and now I'm feeling more ready to actually give it my all.

It's a strange thing, but in order to have a healthy sex life you have to be in control which, usually, means that you have to learn to live without sex for a while. It's not so bad. I know that there are people that will disagree about this, but there are plenty of voices stating that porn is harmless too and we've seen that there's a problem with this as PIED has demonstrated.

Once you've realized that you are in control and that you aren't at the mercy of your sex drive, then you can keep sex reserved for reality and not for make believe.