Author Topic: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.  (Read 329 times)

h.d.t.

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Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« on: August 04, 2019, 10:28:25 PM »
Introduction

Hello hello.

With some consideration, I have decided to begin my own reboot journal. I think it will help to be accountable to other peoples as well as myself to keep writing and talking about this struggle. Its so hard to wrestle with and carry around in the back of your mind, especially thinking "no one would know" when your own will is weak.

First off, I am recent in the fight against PMO, lucky enough for me. I did not struggle much as a kid, but this year has been really tough. It started with explicit photos and some cheesy stuff from Quora and quickly became a gif and video issue. I have been trying to quit for a few months now and did not really have any real motivation except for some self-help. It has become an everyday issue and I have not been able to go more than a day free in the past two months.

I installed Pluckeye on my computer and disabled internet on my phone... those two things have helped a lot, but I want to start this journal as well.

Day 1

Tonight is the start of my no PMO journey, aiming for 10 days, then 30, then 180. I worked out today but was not very productive. Tomorrow will be good. I am going to try and stay kinda busy, not use my computer for idle time, maybe go biking.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2019, 03:02:12 PM by h.d.t. »

penguin_36

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2019, 12:54:43 AM »
Hey buddy,
First of all completely educate yourself about the harms of internet pornography through the websites like ' fight the new drug' or ' your brain on porn' . Being aware of the deadly harms it causes to you, you'll be motivated to stop it. Then for your recovery, I'll advice you to use the app ' Fortify'. It has helped me recover a lot. Also post your journal regularly here. Share your problem with people. Don't try to do this alone as it will become even more difficult alone. And as you know, spend most of the time outside, stay with Real people, connect with Nature, and do more physical exercise. All this helped in my recovery. All The Best for your reboot!

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2019, 03:46:49 PM »
Day 1

Hey friends, I have missed my mark the past few days or have forgotten to journal, but now I am on day 1 of this new streak and am feeling pretty good. I am realizing that maybe its not the porn that's hard to let go of but masturbating. As the days keep on, it's interesting to see my insecurities and bad coping-mechanisms come to the surface. It's definitely making me more aware of things I should change in my daily life.

I've been having strange dreams that bug me. Not sexual, and I cannot really remember them clearly, but very anxiety-driving and I have woken up with a headache multiple times.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2019, 04:31:17 PM by h.d.t. »

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2019, 04:33:31 PM »
Day 2

Today I worked on my car. I did not let myself use my phone in the bathroom, and it was so much easier to just leave it on my desk than to bring it into the bathroom and try to restrain myself from downloading instagram or snapchat and looking at inappropriate and arousing pictures.

I am also going to meditate this evening since I am feeling stressed. I got a lot of sleep last night, but woke up this morning energized and started my day with a glass of water, a coffee, and some light reading.

I feel like a victor coming home from battle walking around today. My mood is better and I feel more self confident. I am being careful not to lay in my bed too much, or to use my phone or computer in my bed or the bathroom. It seems like those two places are the most prone for me to masturbate.

I am going off to school next Thursday, and I am feeling confident that I will be able to kick this to the curb and be well on my way to recovery by then. It is difficult and trying, but I feel so good about myself without it. I can confront and slay the monsters and fears in my life rather than feed and pacify them.

I am, however, realizing how difficult is is to find healthy solutions to my problems that do not involve pornography. It's so much easier to self-medicate and feel the rush and numbness of masturbating than to heal and find real solutions.

Definitely feeling blue-balls and a soreness though. Took a bit of a cold shower and that really helped.

@penguin_36: I took your advise and downloaded the app "Fortify." I am very thankful that you recommended it to me! Very helpful. Spending time in nature, getting around people, and educating myself has helped so far. Thank you for your advice!

penguin_36

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2019, 12:45:47 AM »
Good going buddy! I'm so happy that you are progressing. Really happy! The blue balls are temporary. These withdrawal symptoms are a sign of recovery, so embrace them. They will be gone very soon. Just keep going! All the Best!

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2019, 11:54:02 PM »
Day 3

Today was pretty easy. I'm not finding it as hard to abstain from porn and masturbating if I am busy. I felt pretty solid today. Definitely one of my best yet. I didn't think about sex much and I was around other people a lot. Fortify is definitely helping quite a bit as is writing this journal.

Day 4

Today was pretty good, except that I did masturbate a little. I didn't orgasm or look at porn, but I am still a bit unhappy. I didn't much, which was frustrating, but I stopped myself which is the good part (maybe?). I'm definitely feeling the strain and frustration at not being able to indulge myself. I've thought several times today "why am I doing this?" "do you know how good it would feel?" and similar things. Tomorrow I am going to make sure I have a to-do list and some things to work on. Sitting around or being absent-minded welcomes this sort of thing. I am not counting today as a setback because of how relatively minor it is. It is important to me, but I do not think it should count.

Writing this, I cannot believe the ways that my mind has been clear the past two days and so totally worth it. I know I have not really experienced many of the withdrawals yet, but I am feeling a much more positive effect. I was viewing and masturbating daily for the past three-four months and feeling like a dense fog was developing around my daily. I wanted to masturbate to escape the emotional pain of my daily life, and I exchanged a few moments rush for jumping into that cloud.

Regardless, when I think about the way that this addiction and habit is not so much a bandaid to pull-off (like I thought it was) and more of a mist to dissipate I am encouraged and feel empowered to change my habits!
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 12:08:56 AM by h.d.t. »

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2019, 10:34:53 PM »
Day 5

Today went pretty smoothly. I did not think about sex or porn much and when I did I quickly curbed the thought. I made sure to get plenty of sleep last-night and that was really good for me.

For anyone reading this, I'd really suggest:
    - Getting good sleep
    - Eating well
    - Exercising
    - Staying mentally stimulating (its in the fog and empty fields that porn creeps in)

Cheers.

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2019, 12:18:59 PM »
Day 6

Had a relapse in the morning. Quick, which is good. Getting back on track, with the dedication to keep pushing!

Day 1

Starting off strong again. Didn't use today and worked on myself and some projects that I really care about. Really excited by the way I do not feel trapped anymore!

Do or die

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2019, 10:55:02 PM »
Make a plan to fight your triggers. Relapse is just a next step to success. Its good you are starting again
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

h.d.t.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2019, 11:14:32 PM »
Day 2

Today was strong! I was really productive and connected with some new people I had not met before and enjoyed my time. My self-confidence is really high the past few days and I am excited for what's next. Definitely noticing my ability to avoid triggers is getting better.

Day 3

Today I had much more temptation than I had before. I am noticing that insecurity is a huge door that opens to porn very quickly. When I am feeling insecure, it's an easy road that leads to porn. Closing these doors by addressing their genuine problem is getting much easier and I am finding that I am getting much better at it.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2019, 11:57:38 PM »
Day 4

Today went by pretty quickly and harmlessly.

Day 5

Today I am starting to notice the feeling of depression lift a bit. It was so strong the past few days that I considered speaking to a professional or getting a second-opinion from a friend. A serious cataloging of my life showed me other areas that I can improve. I like this experiment, even with its difficulty.

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Re: Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2019, 09:59:32 PM »
[Day 6]

Woo boy am I feeling it. Today was a bit of ups and downs. I am glad to be feeling something other than the dull numbness that accompanies compulsive masturbation. I am so glad to have been free of this for six days. If you are reading this, questioning if it is worth it to keep going I can say, from my limited perspective, that it is: you feel human again. Today I went for a long drive and worked on myself a bit. Feeling stress and dealing with it in healthy ways. It's funny how one craving spurs another. Today I kept wanting to smoke. Yikes. Points for another day!