Author Topic: A Better Tomorrow  (Read 1695 times)

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #50 on: August 21, 2019, 09:28:48 AM »
Pete McVries

I totally understand just skimming through it. I have a tendency to write too much, but let me tell you, writing on RN and YBR have been really cathartic for me, and sometimes I can't help myself haha.

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to write this. I still think I am light-years away from becoming a good guy (let alone a really good one), but it is one of the things that I aspire to becoming, and it's words like yours that help lay the bricks necessary to build a bridge between me and this lofty goal. You know, you're a pretty good dude for writing this comment : ).

While I definitely don't think porn is the source of all my problems, I do think it is inextricably tied to many of them. I can't wait to see which problems get fully resolved by recovering and which problems become weaker and easier to target/manage.

Roger on the trigger moments. I am hoping that my future journal entries, regardless of whether they cover pleasant or agonizing experiences, will provide evidence of the fact that I am committed to beating this addiction and will give no quarter to urges.

Lero


You have been such a great influence since I have joined these boards. I will hold fast to my commitment to beat this. No matter how many times these urges knock on the door, it's my responsibility to not let them in.

Definitely not crazy (though some may indeed feel this way when I talk about my problem, and I can't blame them for that), but I do think that, at least in my case, the self talk does have detrimental side effects, and, while it is not an addiction, life feels difficult without it, but it gets easier to cope over time and I feel better about myself when I refrain from giving in. If I had to guess, I think it is related to my OCD. I think I use it as a ritual in an attempt to neutralize fear caused by uncertainty, and when I avoid using it, I think I habituate to discomfort and deal with stress better. In addition, I think it contributes to procrastination, disorganized thoughts, decreased verbal fluency, and lower social/emotional intelligence. Definitely too early to say, and I know this is a porn recovery forum so I'll avoid going into further detail, but I am feeling optimistic about this!
« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 09:32:02 AM by NewStart04 »

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #51 on: August 21, 2019, 02:11:45 PM »
August 21, 2019 - Day 8

Urges:
Was able to keep almost all of my urges entirely in check, so nothing more than moderate cravings today. There was one time where I felt a stronger urge to fantasize because my coworker was being cold and unkind to me again, but, this time around, I let it drop and prevented the obsession train from leaving the station, even though there was a strong flash of desire in my mind to fantasize about her and her body. Clearly, how she treats me is a trigger, and while it is curious why this is the case, to be honest, this is my last week at this job and if she wants to treat me this way, so be it. I don’t need to be a jerk, and I sure don’t need to let something like this lead to a relapse. I just let it be and moved on. Gotta appreciate the small victories.

Emotions:
A bit of irritation because of my coworker, but I didn’t let it flare up and avoided externalizing it. I told a lot more clients today that it was our last day together, and a few people cried or got misty-eyed. One client and his mother started crying, so I walked over to him and gave him a hug and a pat on the head. Some people gave me farewell gifts, others told me they really liked my sessions and think I am a great employee, and one person even went out of her way to squeeze in a session and see me once more for the last time. Good vibes today for sure. After work, I went back home and spent some time reading through various accounts of porn addicts' experiences, and it made me feel this pervasive feeling of sadness. This wasn’t necessarily a negative sadness, maybe more of a sympathetic one. Fair or not, the bulk of the recovery pains have to be borne by the rebooter alone, and I know this can be a very empowering experience once he/she has made it through to the other side, but it’s also such a shame that so many people are being tormented by this, often getting stuck in cycles that just put the pain on rinse and repeat. I'm going through this. I know others are as well. Sometimes I just want to say I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that I have to go through this. I know it means little. I wish it meant more.

Cognition:

Verbal fluency and memory were mediocre. Confusion present. Thought speed and concentration were ok. Thoughts weren’t too hazy.

Pain:
Some aching here and there, but not noticeable for most of the day.

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Didn’t get caught up in a cycle of obsessive thoughts about my emotions (learned from my past mistake)
- Redoubled my efforts today after yesterday’s lapse in judgement, and it showed!

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #52 on: August 22, 2019, 01:25:31 PM »
August 22, 2019 - Day 9

Trigger Warning: Start
Urges:
Today was a bit more difficult than yesterday, but I made it through pretty well. In the evening, I went to the mall to get some farewell gifts for my coworkers. One shop I visited was the bookstore, and on my way to the section I wanted to go to, I passed the magazine stand, and my eyes happened to (this was not premeditated; I haven’t been to this bookstore before) fall on a magazine cover with a young woman sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall, wearing only a bra and underwear with her legs spread eagle. It’s like damn, how hard do the fates want to make this for me? My brain immediately thought, “I can only imagine the ecstasy I’d feel being between her legs”, and tried to get me to imagine her groin without any underwear on. But the dopamine spike the first thought gave me was a red flag, so I directed all of my attention to the task at hand. Afterward, on my way back home from the mall, I had a sexual fantasy for about a minute about an imaginary girlfriend I conjured up in my head. I think this was a result of the previous dopamine spike, but some of it was also due to the loneliness I was feeling at the time. I just reminded myself that there’s no reason to conjure up this fantasy woman. If I have a romantic, sexual partner in my life I do, and if I don’t, I don’t. And with that it faded into dust. Later on, I was watching a movie that had some sex scenes in it (oral, M&F rape, M&M rape), which was annoying to say the least, but I was happy that I just averted my gaze to the side of the screen and didn’t focus on them. I got triggered a little later by a nude photo in the film, so I went for a walk…but forgot to bring my earphones yet again! Thankfully, even though I hard urges to latch on to any possible sound or sight that might suggest somebody was getting it on, I kept walking and made it back to my house without any lingering. That felt nice and restored some of my confidence. That magazine was BS though. I am looking back on that memory now laughing to myself, thinking “haha wow that was a curveball”, and not obsessing over what I saw. It’s kind of a nice feeling. The last time I relapsed was due to a similar experience, so it feels like I got a second chance to show my antagonist that I still got some fight left in me. Oh yea, there was a small pocket where I felt some bad discomfort in my gut with nausea, and this really made me want to escape into fantasy. Thankfully, I told myself to use the discomfort and nausea as the focus of my attention. I didn’t add any thoughts on to the sensations. I just tried to ride them out and let them run their course. And they did.
Trigger Warning: End

Emotions:
Had a few points where I got misty-eyed thinking about the past and the present. Some feelings of worthlessness here and there. There was a point in the afternoon where I had this attack of irritation for a few minutes. I knew how childish I was acting and that there was no need for me to feel that way, but the feeling of being pissed off fed into the next one, and then the next, and so on. Sometimes, I think I just have to take my foot off the gas.

Cognition:

No work again today, so I didn’t pay attention to it. I should figure out a way to gauge this on days when I don’t have work.

Pain:
Less noticeable than yesterday, which is a plus.

* Something positive / something I did well:

- Responded to some devilish urges like a pro
- Felt like I took back my belt from the trigger that did me in last time; confidence boosted a little

EXTRA NOTE: I came across this video on Noah Church’s channel, and I think it is just great. He’s a former addict turned recovery coach, and the video manages to be funny, informative, and serious at the same time. Check it out if you’re interested, it’s pretty short.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2019, 09:01:39 PM by NewStart04 »

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #53 on: August 22, 2019, 03:38:43 PM »
Great, man. Every day without a relapse is a success. And the streak will get bigger day by day. Sorry for not always reading your entire post but sometimes you're killing me with triggers.

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #54 on: August 22, 2019, 10:26:04 PM »
Lero

Thanks for letting me know. I need to get better at remembering to mark any potentially triggering content red or something like that.

Anyone know how to cover the text so that it is only visible if you drag your mouse over it? I have seen this on other forums, but I am not sure if we can do that here. Please let me know if we can.

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #55 on: August 23, 2019, 08:45:16 AM »
Lero

Thanks for letting me know. I need to get better at remembering to mark any potentially triggering content red or something like that.

Anyone know how to cover the text so that it is only visible if you drag your mouse over it? I have seen this on other forums, but I am not sure if we can do that here. Please let me know if we can.

Yeah, you might write the "possible spoilers" in red or something. Or write something like:

"Possible spoilers.

Start of spoilers:
I went to the store etc.
End of spoilers."


NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #56 on: August 23, 2019, 11:29:20 AM »
August 23, 2019 - Day 10

Urges:

Was on top of everything at work. Once I got back home, things like being behind in the tasks I wanted to complete, a desire to procrastinate, feelings of worthlessness, and some pronounced pain in my gut all conspired to get me to fantasize. They kept chasing me upward and upward, but I was always one step ahead and didn’t let them overtake me. It’s tough, and I am not being overconfident. I just know this is the willpower I want. The willpower I need. I have to keep feeding this and not the urges.

Emotions:

I am sure you all are tired of hearing this by now…but damn my coworker was being a real jerk again today. I am so tired of how her behavior and attitude fling me into the realm of negativity and despondency. But it isn’t all bad news. Just like the urges mentioned above, I didn’t feed any of the obsessive thoughts surrounding her behavior or how it made me feel. It was tough, but I have to remember that it is I who feeds these beasts, and, while I may never truly be able to beat them, I can strengthen other aspects of myself so that I don’t have to live in fear of when they strike. It’ll take time no doubt, but its on me to develop that which makes me stronger and starve that which makes me weaker.

Cognition:
Verbal fluency was somewhat poor. Brain fog present but not terribly debilitating.

Pain:
A few aches throughout the day, but the rest of it was fine.

* Something positive / something I did well:

- Getting things done
- Keeping myself out of reach of urges and obsessing
- Thinking about the future and not assuming that a negative outcome is what awaits me at the end

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #57 on: August 23, 2019, 11:31:39 AM »
Lero

I need to start being more mindful about the sensibilities of my fellow rebooters. I think your idea of using tags is a safer buffer than just marking the text red.

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #58 on: August 23, 2019, 11:54:19 AM »
Lero

I need to start being more mindful about the sensibilities of my fellow rebooters. I think your idea of using tags is a safer buffer than just marking the text red.

It might be a better idea than writting with different color because it stands out and you know how there is this tendency to pay attention to that first.

I don't have a problem about people here writting everything that it's on their mind. That's why it's called "Journal", it's like keeping a diary. I might read those entries in full one day (when I can read those things with ease) but right now it's a struggle to handle the triggers so I have to skip them. 

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #59 on: August 23, 2019, 07:55:14 PM »
Lero

Yea, that's true. I should've realized that. I'm going to go back and change my previous posts.

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #60 on: August 29, 2019, 03:46:23 PM »
Hey there fellow rebooters,

Life has been pretty busy for me recently, so I haven't had much time to post. There are some tidbits I have noticed repeatedly popping up in informational resources regarding porn addiction (videos, text) as well as in advice I have received from successful rebooters. Not sure if any of this is landmark information for you, but I think they have given me some aha moments, so I would like to share them really quickly.

1.) Addition over deletion. While removing this addiction from our lives is a top priority, many addicts who focus solely on deleting an addiction are statistically unsuccessful in breaking the cycle. Instead of focusing our attention on the addiction, we should instead try to implement changes to our lives so that the addiction itself doesn't seem that appealing anymore. I think this video series actually outlines a concise, detailed, and easy-to-understand approach about how to go about doing this. Please check it out if you are interested (I think the whole series is somewhere around 1h30m):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8JjuyRIxOg&list=PLE_vQWWxgaiH1Xcri6_WJDZnC_XezkyAO&index=1

I already meditate on a daily basis, and physical injuries prevent me from doing any exercise aside from moderate walking, so I am going to try to implement the reading habit into my life.

Noah B.E. Church mentions how he every day, before going to bed, writes a message to himself to read the next morning, as well as a list of rules to follow and tasks to get done.

2.) Focusing on the addiction gives it power. To be honest, while this forum and others like it have been great resources for me, I noticed that since I started using them over the past month, I have come to obsess about regularly checking and posting on the sites (not bad if you remove the obsessing component), and this was ultimately causing me to think more about porn and my addiction. I felt pressure to post in other people's topics, because I didn't want to be selfish and focus solely on myself, but this also made spend more time on the sites and think about them when I wasn't online. This may sound selfish (I sure hope it doesn't, but it definitely could come across as such), but I think, at least for a while at least, I am going to limit myself to just posting my journal in this topic and staying in contact with my accountability partner. Once I have made more significant recovery, I might feel more comfortable posting in other's topics. Hopefully my recovery experiences will be useful to other rebooters later on down the line.

In the meantime, take care everyone. Hope you all have a great PMO free day!

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #61 on: September 11, 2019, 01:46:36 AM »
September 10, 2019

How was today?
I think it wasn’t bad. Finished all of my morning and night routines and got all my chores for the day done as well. Got some others tasks done to boot. Didn’t really get any reading done today, but hopefully I can do that and some other tasks tomorrow. I had a bad night’s rest break an uncommon string of good sleep, so that made the day a bit less manageable. Thankfully, I didn’t sleep in that late, and I am going to crash soon.

Urges:
Moderate urges throughout the day, but thankfully due to some strong focus was able to keep them at arm’s length. Had a lot of flashbacks pop into my head today as well.

Emotions:
Felt alright all things considered. I think the solid focus I had today helped.

Cognition:
Felt kind of clear-headed, but the lack of sleep made me feel numb at times.

Pain:
Uncomfortable. It was occasionally distracting.

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Stayed focused
- Had a nice chat with the cashier at the supermarket today. I want more experiences like this

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #62 on: September 13, 2019, 12:32:55 AM »
September 12, 2019

How was today?
Woke up a bit late, but was able to get all the routine stuff done, along with one or two extra things. I spent some time outside of the house with other people, which was nice, although it was a bit difficult at times because they were talking about someone who recently passed away. Because of that, things got pretty emotional at times, but it was nice to hear their stories and meet someone new.

Urges:
I really do hate urges. Not the worst today, but I can’t wait for this ravenous sexual hunger to go away. It can be really exhausting.

Emotions:
Anxiety was a bit strong, but thankfully was able to remain pretty mindful throughout the day.

Cognition:
Ok perhaps. Didn’t pay much attention to it, as there was nothing that demanded me to use my brain. Verbal fluency was pretty decent.

Pain:
I can’t wait to get enough time under my belt to the point where I am ready to see a urologist. Need to prove to myself that I can stay off long enough before going. Gotta keep looking toward the future.

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Was considerate of others’ emotions today
- Handled myself well socially

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #63 on: September 14, 2019, 03:50:31 AM »
September 13, 2019

How was today?
Not bad. Checked things off my list and made it through a lot of boring (but necessary) reading for an upcoming test. Pushing myself through a boring task can be quite the trigger, and it was, but I made it more manageable by taking breaks doing nothing so that I could decompress. The only downside of today was that I stayed up too late. Can’t wait to go to bed.

Urges:

Moderately bad, but handled myself well. There was a point during the evening where I didn’t notice any triggers but increasingly felt unsettled, and it dawned on me that this is the carbonated bubbles that precede the fizzy spray of full-blown urges, so I went to the first floor where there is no Wi-Fi and just chilled for a while. Mindfulness of the body really helped here. Still can’t really pinpoint what the triggers were, but hey, crisis averted.

Emotions:
Some awful boredom, but that was necessary and I knew where it was coming from. During the evening, I felt dark feelings toward myself and others, but I just told myself, “F*** it. They don’t need my negativity and neither do I.” Overly simplistic, but it helped me nip a negative thought spiral in the bud. I feel like I am slowly getting better with this and it helps a lot with not relapsing. Looking forward to more OCD reading to further bolster this capacity.

Cognition:
Focus felt decent, but it was probably great objectively speaking, seeing as I was able to make it through a bunch of slow reading. Memory was alright. I remembered some of the material but forgot other parts. I’ll have to check tomorrow to get a better idea.

Pain:
No pain, no gain

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Finished a lot of boring, but important, reading
- Finished all components of my D&N routines, even though my tank was running on empty during the last quarter of the day
- Didn't let my thoughts lead me into quicksand
« Last Edit: September 14, 2019, 11:19:54 AM by NewStart04 »

Pdub

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #64 on: September 14, 2019, 10:04:15 AM »
@NewStart04 it's good that you can identify boredom as a trigger.  I know from my own perspective if I have to sit through a dull video on technical jargon for an hour, my attention fades but I will keep it on in the background listening.  This attempt at multi-tasking has often led me to not even realize that I'm unconsciously drifting toward porn.  Taking breaks is actually a really great way to give your brain the break it needs to digest what you just learned. 

I too have had some dark feelings in the past week and feel like I've been overly negative.  Here's hoping I can take a page out of your book and recognize it, tell myself to get over it, and change my own mood.

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #65 on: September 14, 2019, 06:55:41 PM »
Quote
Lack of motivation, listlessness, thoughts of suicide, anger, resentment, desire to give back in to old habits

Is this what you were referring to? I don't know about other rebooters, but for me addiction can make me feel all of the above and more, at random times and of varying intensity. The thing is, I have been an addict stuck in a cycle for so long it can be hard to figure out what part of this is me and what is the addiction. Makes me wonder, what type of emotional landscape is awaiting me on the other side of recovery? The tumultuous and uncertain nature of it all can really make me lost and confused, but tools like mindfulness meditation (as I have probably mentioned ad nauseam in your topic haha), as well as reading and some CBT, have been helping me get swept away less and less by all this. If you want to hear about any resources, I'd be happy to tell you, so let me know if you are interested. No pressure though : ).

Do you think I should avoid multitasking during the recovery journey? I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #66 on: September 15, 2019, 08:03:07 AM »
Quote
Lack of motivation, listlessness, thoughts of suicide, anger, resentment, desire to give back in to old habits

Is this what you were referring to? I don't know about other rebooters, but for me addiction can make me feel all of the above and more, at random times and of varying intensity. The thing is, I have been an addict stuck in a cycle for so long it can be hard to figure out what part of this is me and what is the addiction. Makes me wonder, what type of emotional landscape is awaiting me on the other side of recovery? The tumultuous and uncertain nature of it all can really make me lost and confused, but tools like mindfulness meditation (as I have probably mentioned ad nauseam in your topic haha), as well as reading and some CBT, have been helping me get swept away less and less by all this. If you want to hear about any resources, I'd be happy to tell you, so let me know if you are interested. No pressure though : ).

Do you think I should avoid multitasking during the recovery journey? I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

I definitely relate to this. I've been a P addict since I was a teenager. It's been more than 10 years, I guess you could safely say that I don't even know anymore "who is the real me". I've been masturbating for a long time, before discovering P. I masturbated watching music videos and nudity scenes from movies, plus the flashbacks of those scenes. I could get fixated on some scene from a movie, think about it and masturbate all day long. I was exhausted everyday because of too much masturbation. Probably days when I didn't masturbate were when I was sick or something (cold or flu). So I can't really say that I've ever been at full potential. I only was "at full potential" (whatever that was) when my age was in single digits and I hadn't discovered masturbation yet. So the idea is that I need to stop PMO and MO and see who I am supposed to feel without all the dopamine abuse and exhaustion. But I know that I have the potential to feel way better. I've seen it during my 40 days streak. After about 3 weeks I loved it. I had more energy, more tolerance for bullshit, I enjoyed small things more (I started playing a video game that I had played 1000 times and I was supposed to be tired of it, but I enjoyed it like it had been 20 years since I'd played it last time). My social anxiety was so small that I wasn't afraid to engage with people. My brain fog was gone, my mind worked like a computer, I could focus, find the best words to speak my mind, there were little nuances in the way that I conducted myself. So you see, there is a lot more past P and we need to get there. We should probably feel even better than what I described. At least I hope so, cause I am still young. I must not let myself reach 40s because it gets hard. I can't reach 40s and still be a P addict. I need to deal with it before 30s. It's crucial. I am no more in high school. I am 29 years old. Everyday I remind myself how I felt after those 3 weeks hard mode. I want to get back there cause I liked it and I definitely don't like how I feel when I am heavily invested in P.

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #67 on: September 15, 2019, 04:13:03 PM »
Lero

It's strange because our normal is in a sense abnormal, in that we have spent the majority of our life stuck in the cycle addiction. But it's there, somewhere on the other side of abstinence. It seems like you were able to return to normal considerably after only three weeks, which is great! You've already done some of the time on your current streak, so after a bit more patience you can be back to where you were.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Take care

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #68 on: September 16, 2019, 03:29:53 AM »
September 15, 2019

How was today?
Yesterday was pretty bumpy, but today was good. Finished everything on my agenda, and spent some of my extra time helping out someone I know who is sick with diverticulitis.

Urges:
Not too bad, but I still hate ‘em. Wish I could throw them into a black hole and watch them get spaghettified.

Emotions:
People in my surroundings were a bit mopey (understandably so for the most part) today, but thankfully this just energized me to be proactive and helpful. During the evening I felt a bit…forlorn? Not sure how to describe it.

Cognition:
Verbal fluency was a bit weak.

Pain:
It’s like I can sense the lost tissue even though it’s no longer there. I’ve heard similar stories about people who have lost limbs.

* Something positive / something I did well:

- Helped out someone who needed it
- Was friendly to those I met outside when I was running errands
- I passed a guy asking for money on the street, but I was caught up in my own plans and thoughts when he spoke to me, so I just waved my hand and walked on by without acknowledging him or making eye contact. Soon after, I felt bad about how I potentially came off as rude, so I got some cash back at the store, walked back to where he was, and gave him $10. I apologized for “ignoring” him earlier, handed him the bill, and he responded with gratitude and a smile. It felt good.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2019, 02:34:44 PM by NewStart04 »

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #69 on: September 19, 2019, 05:52:50 AM »
September 18, 2019

How was today?
My sleeping schedule has become pretty awful again, but at least today was surprisingly productive. I got a ton of things done. I am going to try to start fixing my sleep schedule, which means only a little bit of sleep tomorrow and a day full of sleep-deprived discomfort, so I will need to be wary tomorrow, since my chance of relapse greatly increases when I am tired.

Urges:
Not too bad today, but I was reflecting on how dangerous they can be. They’re like tinder. One second its dry, and the next, due to some external influence, it’s quickly ablaze. It is exhausting having to be on guard for each and every moment of the day. I try not to think more about this addiction than I need to, as I feel like that inflates the addiction, but, at the same time, staying vigilant is draining because you never know when urges are going to strike. Having a plan is good, but for me (and maybe I unique in this?) being an addict for so long across so many situations has created a plethora of triggers. It's hard to live life and make it through the day. I need to become more ok with doing nothing when the going gets tough.

Emotions:
I wouldn’t call today a roller coaster, but they were a bit scattered.

Cognition:
Was able to remain pretty focused, though my thoughts were hazy at times. Verbal fluency was ok. Not good but not terrible.

Pain:
Some aching

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Followed through with some boring studying
- Compiled some old notes I was meaning to get around to for months

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #70 on: September 19, 2019, 06:08:19 AM »
Not too bad today, but I was reflecting on how dangerous they can be. They’re like tinder. One second its dry, and the next, due to some external influence, it’s quickly ablaze. It is exhausting having to be on guard for each and every moment of the day. I try not to think more about this addiction than I need to, as I feel like that inflates the addiction, but, at the same time, staying vigilant is draining because you never know when urges are going to strike. Having a plan is good, but for me (and maybe I unique in this?) being an addict for so long across so many situations has created a plethora of triggers. It's hard to live life and make it through the day. I need to become more ok with doing nothing when the going gets tough.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I guess you are like me and P is spread all over our body like symbiote for Spiderman. But, what can I say? I've been watching P since I was 13. It's been 16 years, man. I understand what you mean with the triggers because I also feel like there are so many in my life. I mean, even words remind me of words said in dialog of P scenes. There is always something to remind me of P, even when I'm trying to complete ignore it and not thinking about it at all, focusing on doing what I have to do and then BAM! I hear some words and P pops up in my mind. Sometimes it's fucking exhausting.

NewStart04

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #71 on: September 19, 2019, 05:49:55 PM »
Lero

I like the symbiote analogy, however in this case it doesn't give us any special powers, but instead zaps us of our potential and leaves us weakened husks.

I sympathize with you, and, although it sucks, at the end of the day it's on us to break on through to the other side. I sometimes however do get the feeling that the agony of urges and withdrawals are downplayed by some rebooters, but maybe this aspect of recovery isn't as difficult for them? Not sure, but for me, when recovery really gets tough, I experience some pretty intense mental and physical distress. Even with addition over deletion, adding healthy habits, being productive, being more social, considerate and helpful, planning for a better future, minimizing my thoughts about the addiction, responding differently, etc., there are times where urges, withdrawals, or the combination of the two subsume all of that.

I do think recovery is possible, but the suffering for me is really intense. I guess I just have to keep soldiering on.

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #72 on: September 20, 2019, 05:12:37 AM »
September 19, 2019

How was today?
Productive! I’m tired so I’ll keep this nice and concise.

Urges:
Had a couple of flashes but kept them at bay.

Emotions:
Had a trough during the evening. Felt low due to a perceived lack of compassion. Was a bit rough taking the weight of it raw with no substitutes.

Cognition:

Focus was good. Fragmented at times but good. Memory wasn’t bad surprisingly.

Pain:
Sticking

* Something positive / something I did well:
-   There was a seagull that was ill and crash-landed in the back. It was too weak to fly. Tried to give it some food and space and called animal control so that they could hopefully relocate and maybe treat it. Thought it was a better idea than just letting it outside the building and having it navigate the world in its infirm state

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #73 on: September 22, 2019, 12:37:29 AM »
September 21, 2019

How was today?

Wow! So sleep-deprived today. In spite of that though, I was able to get some big-ticket things done and keep myself up long enough to help get my sleeping schedule back on track WITHOUT fantasizing or giving into urges (being sleep-deprived or tired are big time triggers for me). So regardless of how I feel physically or emotionally, today was a triumph.

Urges:
After getting my main task done in the morning, urges were deviously knocking at my door at random intervals throughout the day. The fatigue combined with the urge-induced exhaustion was pretty bad, but I made it through without relapsing. Really fantastic.

Emotions:
Not bad. Barring the tiredness, I felt alright. Had a surge of compassion during the evening. Haven't felt that in a while. It was refreshing.

Cognition:
Pretty sharp considering how sleep-deprived I was.

Pain:
Nothing too noticeable. Some aching here and there I guess.

* Something positive / something I did well:
- Got two important tasks done today. No BS. No excuses. No relapsing
- Put myself out there during an evening walk to try and help someone out of compassion

Lero

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Re: A Better Tomorrow
« Reply #74 on: September 22, 2019, 04:17:37 AM »
Damn, man, you got sleep problems. It's probably the withdrawal.