Author Topic: My journal, my friend  (Read 2066 times)

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #50 on: June 23, 2020, 03:18:09 PM »
This day i had strong urge to MO, but didn't even give it a thought longer than one second. It was only that i felt my man is in the mood and gets up with the tiniest touch i gave him. Even when i was sitting with my hands on my lab he started to get hard. Strange, i have no idea. Maybe i talked a little bit too much with the GF about having sex but she was very clear about not being interested today.
So, lesson learned. I don't have to give in to the thought of MO and can go on with everyday life.

Also i talked with the GF today about nonviolent communication and watched a video.
In the video i found the idea of what it is to not infringe the freedom of others or the GF. I can speak out all my ideas but have to make that in a way where i only offer my perception, my emotion, my needs and in the end my request, without judging or infringing the life of others. Also i can ask the others for their point of view.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #51 on: June 24, 2020, 03:43:00 PM »
This note isn't directly PMO-relevant, but i want to write it down anyway for documentation. Recently i've made a very bad investment with stocks that really got down the drain. Lost quite some money. The thing is, i really feel embarrased about it. My whole day was just perfect, but when a friend of mine reminded me of the share price today i just fell into a sea of bad mood with self doubt and uncertainty. Man, how pathetic i felt in that moment. Anyway, i talked with the GF about it and she doesn't see it that way, but understands my emotions. Money is one thing and this fault of mine will go away after time.

This is something i didn't do in the past: Talking to the GF about my emotions and what makes me uncertain. Or maybe i did, but not in the right way. Anyway, she helped me today and me talking about something like this with her today is bringing a new balance into our relationship. In the past i just wouldn't admit much of the embarrassement.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #52 on: June 26, 2020, 03:06:07 AM »
Hey Imsorrynotsorry,

sucks about the stocks.. And it might be PMO related because it gave you quite some negative feelings of shame. Which can result in a relapse. So it's good that you came on here and tell us about it.

While I have no idea about the type of stocks and which company. You might know that currently the overall majority of stocks have plummeted due to the COVID crisis. So while it might be a bad investment now, it can be a good investment in a couple of years. From what I know about trading is that you buy stocks for the long haul and deal in puts/calls for the short run.
Anyway I hope that you will find yourself again and that everything works out again.


Take care my friend
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #53 on: June 26, 2020, 03:55:43 PM »
Thanks Shade, i thought of that aswell.
This feeling of being ashamed is so present and is controlling me so directly, that even when i'm in a meeting i can't focus for a moment on the talking. Like i did something completely wrong. In aspects of money that's true, but in aspects of life i like to regard it as a life experience. Anyway, the feeling is there, it gets weaker day by day and maybe next time i'll be more clever with my investments.
If that feeling is pressing down my mood, yes. In general i think it lowers my defenses for PMO and that's why i should do something that gives me a better feeling in a sustainable way. Therefore, going to bed early.

I've watched that Gabe Deem video about the flatline this week. I think i only had a small flatline because i didn't PMO often. At least one result of my randomized PMO-use over the last 4 years is a good thing.

The week was busy but also funny and productive at work and leisure. Besides the stock thing everything is working fine, i guess.

My lust for beer is still very high and i'm experience urges to buy some beers in the supermarket for drinking at home. Last year i would never had thought of getting such urges to drink beer. I resisted and even though i drink 4-5 beers a week i'm not really worrying but want to cut it down to certain events, when i feel ready about it.

Looking forward.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #54 on: June 27, 2020, 02:46:09 AM »
Huge day today - i've reached my target of 90 days.
Therefore i want to thank you guys for contributing and exchanging our thoughts and experiences.
Especially i want to thank ShadeTrenicin, Orbiter, UKGuy, metal22, BabySteps, KittyHawk, EarthWalker and DoneAtLast for your precious contributions. Also i want to thank the whole RN community as well as GabeDeem for starting this forum.

So, what now? As i mentioned before i want to add another 90 days in which i want to train my "new lifestyle" and hold on to what i did against PMO addiction. This would be mainly contributing to the forum here, writing in my journal and keep processing my emotions that come up now and then. Especially for the last part i'm very open for new approaches, which help me to learn about me.

In conclusion i want to go on with a mix of strict rules and learning about my inner state. Also i want to stay humble about my progress and want to avoid any kind of a comfort feeling, as we know this can weaken the defenses.

Day 90:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 4/10

Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #55 on: June 29, 2020, 07:55:29 AM »
I realise this is somewhat belated but CONGRATULATIONS!!

That's an amazing achievement, one that very few make it to. I think you have a great direction you're planning to take things from here and I look very forward to reading some of your future entries as you explore & develop your new lifestyle.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #56 on: June 30, 2020, 03:39:50 PM »
Hello Orbiter,

Thank you so much.

Some days ago i thought about impulse control ans how it affects my daily life. How i never can say no to ice cream, drink beer although i didn't especially want it, eat chocolate to feed the need, have a look into the smartphone even when nothing happened, and so on. Anyone knows what i'm talking about? It happens in the situation. It's happening with me and PMO aswell. As soon the GG leaves the house the impulse comes up 'how about a PMO session?'. For most stuff i just can say yes without thinking it through, because the consequences are so weak or just not really there. It's different with PMO.
That makes me thinking, is there an approach to improve impulse control? Maybe i want to follow on this the next upcoming days. This is important to me, because up until now i'm experiencing almost no urges or cravings, but they will come and i want to be ready for them.

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #57 on: July 03, 2020, 03:13:08 AM »
WOW!

Also a much belated comment, but very nicely done my friend! Congralutulations! What will you do with your presence on this forum? Will it stay the same or move somewhat to the background. An experienced opinion is always much appreciated ;)

Anyway, about that impulse control; the fact that your mind is like.. how about a pmo session indicates how deeple rooted this addiction is, and that caution is still needed.
I think that the Tara Brach video you've watched a while ago ( with the three arrows) can also help with this.

Good luck my friend!
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #58 on: July 04, 2020, 10:23:38 AM »
Hello again,

Yes Shade, exactly. The concept of the three arrows is very important when one is in the relapse, reboot, relapse cycle. It will help to transform the emotions around the relapses.

I felt over the last days some kind of comfort and therefore hadn't had much of the feeling i should come to RN. Anyway, i have to come back and keep track of you and me - exchange.
Me an experienced person? Oh no. You know that we all had good streaks before and i was with PMO the last 20 years. So, 90 days are just a thin thin line compared to my PMO-timeline.

The last days i thought about different concepts of dopamin, rewards and PMO. PMO is one thing, but the cravings and the autopilot are another, when there's no impulse control. Impulse control is when you recognise your need and don't go for it or lead them somewhere else, in easy words. Like Psych Ops explained in another post, the rewards in general are a good and healthy motivator in life. It is the autopilot and maybe our inability to lead those impulses somewhere healthy.
With Shades 6 Point Plan it's similar, becoming aware of the impulse and then transform it into something else. Maybe you should add that last point to your 6PP? Lead the impulse into another activity to overwrite the neuronal pathway?
I found this concept on a site about decoupling when nails biting. And i must say, for me it was a bit like it, normally i would take the laptop and PMO, but now i type in rebootnation.org and do something healthy. Anyway, here's the site: http://www.tricotilomania.org/paneldecontrol/noticias/archivos/decoupling_for_TLC_19_2_10.pdf

I found a post of a guy who was super strict to find out about his impulse control:
https://yuki.la/fit/44873326

Beside of that i'm happy and feel good most of the time. It is strange how i get erections when at home. On the sofa, in bed, after waking up, near to the GF. I don't know why this happens but it feels a bit like my man is screaming for attention he doesn't get. Or it's just a symptom of rewiring.

I O'd over a week ago with the GF and my libido is up since then. I guess i just have to live with this until she is ready for intimacy again.

I was pretty drunk on Saturday. For this week i want to avoid alcohol.

Day 97:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10
« Last Edit: July 04, 2020, 04:50:51 PM by imsorrynotsorry »

Orbiter

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #59 on: July 04, 2020, 09:26:18 PM »
Some fascinating reading regarding impulse control. I think a lot about the age we live in, particularly with the prevalence of the internet in our lives, the continual streaming nature of information and media that hours can disappear into (tv shows, music, news, videos and yes, PMO) has over time lead to a global loss in impulse control that explain many aspects of the state of our lives and why the world today is in the state it's in.

I think there's a correllation between loss in impulse control in addicted mind obviously, but there's also the problem of instant, cheap & easy gratification that can be found throughout modern life. Addict or not, it's probably something we should all be wary and vigilant of in our day to day lives.

Anyway keep us up to date on how everythings going. I'm looking forward to reading of the next step in your journey.

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #60 on: July 05, 2020, 02:55:26 AM »
Can you put a links to the 3 arrows, 6PP and Psych Ops thread?

Thank you imsory, shade, orbiter and others for your contributions.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 06:16:43 AM by EarthWalker »

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #61 on: July 05, 2020, 04:55:09 AM »
Hello,

sure.

In this video Tara Brach explains her view on dealing with an addiction. I think it's influenced by buddhism:
Post #29 - 3 Arrows and Tara Brach Video

Out of the 'Becoming a Patreon of Gabe Deem Thread', in my humble opinion a good statement of Psyc Ops:
Psyc Ops Post on reward and general PMO

A refer to ShadeTrenicins 6 Point Plan to gain control of the immediate urge against autopilot takeover:
Shades 6 Point Plan

I can't say if anything of that will help improve your journey, but for me it was worth reading and processing it with my personal situation and my personality itself. I took out the parts that helped me, like one would repair a car with good replacement parts.

Feel free to share your thoughts.

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #62 on: July 05, 2020, 06:19:17 AM »
Thank you for sharing. It all makes a lot of sense.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #63 on: July 06, 2020, 02:34:47 PM »
This is form my journal Reply #23 on: May 26, 2020:
Quote
Today something came up in my mind.
I asked myself, what is the addiction replacing in me?
What could it be that i want to turn in to or that i want that i'm not able to become or get.

PMO gave me that excitement of sth great, deep pleasure, uncompareable which then washed away any other concerns or other troubles, for some minutes. Since i stopped i never got exactly in that moment of a relapse opportunity to really hear into my soul.

Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.

For today i had to quote myself with something i thought is irrelevant, but after i heard the podcast of Consider before Consumption - Episode 20 with Jay Stringer, which i had out of the newest Gabe Deem video, it all is connected somehow.
In this podcast Jay Stringer talks about how people get to know porn and in which period of their live that was. He identifies five key childhood drivers of unwanted sexual behaviour, which i didn't really clearly can name out.
I have no idea if that really resonates with me, but it sounds reasonable.
To sum it up a bit. My parents got divorced when i was young and they never talked to each other again. As a result i was in the middle, mostly with my mum who was angry at my dad starting a new life with a new women, for not being present. My dad never understood what responsibilty for growing a child meant (i realised that way way later in life). Ok, my mum got a new husband after a while who had the exact same fucked up divorce with not talking to his exwife either. We ended up living in a new house, which was a huge step for all of us. All the time i hadn't had the feeling that someone is talking me through this all properly. In retrospective i was just with them, trying not to cause problems (which i then did for myself). After my brother was forced out to live with my father, because he messed up with my mum and the new husband, i went into his room and for the first time got access to internet by the age 13-14.
I promised to sum it up:
- i never wanted to cause problems to my mother (after my dad treated her badly after divorce)
- maybe i felt overwhelmed by our new life and didn't quite knew my role in it
- i was left alone in my room doing what i wanted to do (playing video games, watching porn, sucking at school seriously)
The relationship to my parents today is still sensitive. When there's a birthday happening of one person of the family, i feel very unpleasent not to go. Therefore i want to go, but the GF doesn't want to and that made me angry at her. In the end i realised, that it was the child in me not wanting the parents to be angry at. This year i finally understood that and that there is so much responsability that they didn't account for all my life and i should feel bad when not coming to some kind of family festivity? I managed to turned that around and i decided for myself, that they have to deal with the problems by themselves. I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved. Sadly i must say, i don't believe my parents are able to give this to me in the way i need it. Parents don't change and so do their habits. My mother is still intrusive and my dad is still the guy who can only focus on his self. It is very difficult to seperate this out of the relationship with them.

Anyway, i turned to porn in a period when the parents weren't really available for me and found something that gave me pleasure, power over what i wanted when i wanted it and connected to the bodys i've seen.
I could now quote tons of phrases of Jay Stringer that made me thinking about me and porn, but i just let it in the podcast or the transcript. I'm not quite sure how this is all connected, but it is worth to look at the point of my life when i turned to porn and maybe what i was seeking for.

To finish this i want to answer that question of myself:
Quote
Maybe it's sth i do still have even though i've become a better person now. Meaning, if i would discover PMO nowadays, i wouldn't become addictive?! Just a thought i guess.
Most likely not, because i'm sorting out and sorted out the trash in the relationship to my parents, i have a GF that loves me, i have power over myself and my well-being.

Thanks for reading.

Imsor

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #64 on: July 07, 2020, 04:02:48 AM »
I can relate a lot. Heavy stuff. I think a lot of us have some sort of PTSD from our childhood. I think stuff like divorce, moving around, not having stability, being left alone in the room.  "I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved." Hits right in the feels man. This is traumatic stuff.

I think we have no other choice but to really level up or psych game and understanding of the world to grandmaster level.

All the best
EW


Icandoit

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #65 on: July 07, 2020, 04:14:31 AM »
I can relate a lot. Heavy stuff. I think a lot of us have some sort of PTSD from our childhood. I think stuff like divorce, moving around, not having stability, being left alone in the room.  "I don't want to feel bad, i want to be loved." Hits right in the feels man. This is traumatic stuff.

I think we have no other choice but to really level up or psych game and understanding of the world to grandmaster level.

All the best
EW

Yes, I think people with PTSD from childhood are more at risk for developing porn addiction. It's something that makes you feel good and it's easy accessible (nowadays when every kid has high speed Internet), you don't need to go buy stuff at 12 years old or whatever. But porn addiction is not exclusively limited to these people. Anybody can become addicted to porn, again because it's so easy to find and you can find all the genres and everything. I've heard in a TED talk how that year so many porn videos had been uploaded that you basically could've started watching and never watching the same video twice. It's a different type of addiction because it hits our sexuality and our brain doesn't know how to make the difference between sex and porn, especially when you are 12. It feels like some sort of "sex life", like it happens to me. It's a very tricky and difficult addiction to quit because of this. When I started my first attempt to quit porn, I thought it was going to be super easy because I was not addicted to alcohol or heroin and now I guess I would have better chances to quit those 2 than porn.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #66 on: July 10, 2020, 02:43:55 PM »
Yesterday, while looking out of the window, i thought about my emotions, parents, love and how i want to deal with it.

Like i explained earlier i don't believe that my parents can give me the love i'm seeking for right now. Maybe they never could (i get to this later). For that, i'm angry at them, because i felt left alone and in between of two adults not talking to another. My father used me my whole teen age to communicate through me to find out about my brother or my mother. My mother still has the feeling of guilt, that she ruined our family when divorcing my father (which was a good thing in the end). Now it's pretty obvious, that this isn't a healthy constellation to grow up in. For their divorce i'm not angry, but for their way to manage it i am, and the only important part of that all is, that i have the right to be angry at them. The problem is, i should have been angry at them when i was young and i wasn't. This anger now isn't really reaching the target, since we all live seperate lives in different places. That doesn't satisfy my inner child.
To find a good end with that anger i want to build up some protective wall against them and show them that i've changed, without showing that anger. With that wall of protection i'm sure the anger will dissolve when the time is right.

I don't think i'm a very specific case. We all grew up in families where not everything was perfect and this tells me, the not perfect family is more or less normal. A divorce is normal, mothers and fathers not able to deal with the emotions of their children is normal, children not feeling enough love is normal.
Now i know about my parents inability to show the love i need and to solve problems and be responsable for the emotions of the people involved. They didn't knew better. I could go on, but this isn't helping me. It's just, that back then it was their best that they've could done.

It feels good to process the underyling emotions in this period of the reboot. Right now i don't feel many psychological symptoms. If i want to live a stable and sustainable live without P, i think processing the underyling emotion is a key factor to identify moods and where they are from. And then remind myself, that i don't live that life anymore where those moods are necessary.

In general i'm stable, still lacking the morning wood.
Not sure if i had a wet dream last night.
My strict rule of not touching my man becomes a very heavy burden. I'm not even looking at him much. Hopefully that doesn't become strang in the end.

Thanks for reading all. Stay safe.

Day 103:
Urge to PMO 2/10
Libido 8/10
Beer consumption 3/10
Chocolade 2/10
Morning wood 2/10

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #67 on: July 10, 2020, 04:09:13 PM »
I can relate a lot. Specially about the anger.

Quote
A divorce is normal, mothers and fathers not able to deal with the emotions of their children is normal, children not feeling enough love is normal.

I strongly disagree with normalziing diseased behavior. Not so much about divorce as I do find it normal. But about children feeling safe and loved. This should be the norm - normal - standard. Children not feeling safe and loved with their parents is in my view abnormal. Being able to talk about emotions is normal. Parents not talking about emotions is abnormal in my view.

I am amazed we don't call disease inducing foods - disease foods - we label them unheathy. Coca Cola - unhealthy food - it is poisonus food.
I am in an unhealthy relationship with P. Doesn't have the same ring to it as: I am in diseased relationships with P. P is poision. I am poisoning myself with P.
Unhealty childhood. How about traumatic childhood? A traumatic childhood is not a normal childhood. There is nothing normal about trauma.

Let me know if I am being unhelpful. I did the Peterson's personality test. I scored very low on Politeness. I can come across as abrasive at times. I just strongly disagree with normalizing disease both on individual level and society level. I think we should redefine what normal is.

Edit:Added:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSp8IyaKCs0
Shell shocked. Emotional shocked. Sounds about right. PTSD sounds like a car accessory or a phone feature. Does your phone have PTSD no it has HSPA?

Thank you for your sharing
EW
« Last Edit: July 10, 2020, 04:16:45 PM by EarthWalker »

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #68 on: July 11, 2020, 03:54:15 AM »
Hey Imsorrynotsorry,


I recognize a great deal about your divorced parents. And although communication between my parents was not as bad, it resonates with me a lot.
You did say that you see that despite their shortcomings and errors, they did the best they could at that time. But you still remain mad at them.
What, would you say, will help you forgive them? Would you like to confront them, explain them stuff like that? Have you thought about this?

From my own experience I've been mad at my own father for a long time, switched with periods of trying to make good contact. But in the end i found out that the man is as emotionally challenged as a potato. If there is something, he will be there, no matter what. But not for deep bonding or stuff like that..
It drove me mad. But in the end i understood that he's not capable so i tried to forgive him (took me a while though) and tried to accept him for who he is.. In all the time that i tried to make contact with him I wanted him to be someone he could not be and with that i frustrated myself a lot..

Good luck my friend
--------
Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17919.0

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #69 on: July 12, 2020, 08:32:00 AM »
Hey you both,

i didn't normalize diseased behaviour, but i get your point EarthWalker.
There is anger and i had no idea to deal with it the last 25 years. Now is the time to learn about it, manage it and live with it. This is the only thing relevant for me, because i can't change the past nor my parents.

Thanks Shade, again you named it quite accurately. Talking to them is over. I tried that, but the mother isn't interested in talking about errors in the past and with my dad it's almost the same with your dad. So, talking is not an option and i don't need it either. I want to look forward for my own future, because i think i know better now what my underlying needs were and that they never could be fulfilled without processing.
From my own live experience and from the experience of friends i do know now that parents can handle a divorce in million different ways. I do think now, that it wasn't the object to protect and stabilize the children when my parents got divorced. This is because of their inability to deal with it back then (which was the best they could do = not much).
I would like to know how you managed the forgiving? Like i explained, i think my only way to protect me of them is to build a wall for certain topics and situations.

Feeling urges today but crossed them away immediately. My thought of a p-free life is still strong.

Thank you both.

EarthWalker

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Re: My journal, my friend
« Reply #70 on: July 12, 2020, 09:37:17 AM »
It is a long process dealing with parents. What I am currently working on. A few of the thoughts, feel free to comment.

1) Our parents are not for "life". They are our parents until we reach adulthood. Lets arbitrarily put that number at 21. After that we are our own parents. Our inner intuition is our inner parent. While our biological parents are the external parents. They did the job as well as they did but now it is our job to be the parent of our life.
2) Obviously there is a link between our biological parents but the goal is for us to be independent, fully functioning adults, self sustained.
3) Humility is about recognising our limitations but also recognising that each human beings is equally valued to play a part in the tapestry of the human race. Better/worse external parents. All is equal and all is unique.
4) It is not your job to help your external parents. Your responsibility is to yourself.
5) The only forgiveness that matters is self-forgiveness. You don't need your mother to tell you that she is sorry.
6) There are profound higher reasons that are beyond our current understanding for being where we are in life. We must find greater acceptance for this fact.
7) Removing blame to external circumstances better aligns us to our path of evolution.
8) Living in peace with unmet needs is the real mastery of acceptance

I think until the painful memories are released then a wall is a good option. When you will process the past no matter what your mother/father does it will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside you. Theirs interpretation of events will not bother you. Like if your mother/father would be saying to her/his buddies that she/he did an excellent job as a mother/father. This will just go right trough you and not stick on anything inside. This is her/his truth and their way. You have your own truth and your own way. There is no reason for conflict. The only forgiveness that matters is your self-forgiveness.

Sounds to me you already did process quite a lot of events from the past that no longer bother you and you'd like to help your parents. I think at the end of the day we can only change ourselves. You cannot help people who do not help themselves.

EW