Author Topic: I want to be as i was when i was a kid (The PMO hatas)  (Read 17898 times)

Arthur2

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I want to be as i was when i was a kid (The PMO hatas)
« on: August 02, 2019, 06:57:21 PM »
Hello my name is Arthur.
I am starting today because i am addicted to porn, and even more to masturbation.
It makes me sick and angry because this thing is evil but at the same time i like it. I love it from my bones. It is like a cognitive dissonance where you love doing a thing but you also hate doing that thing. This has to stop.
Can you guys relate to that ?
Today august 3 2019 i start.

I have already been on a 5 weeks nofap streak before i even knew about this "nofap" movement, but i relapsed not to porn but with imagination with a woman that i had seen that day (3 years ago).
Then in winter 2018-19 i started a 2 months streak after i found out about the nofap community and all the YouTube videos that helped me realize what i was missing in life because of fapping. But i relapsed due to lack of discipline and willpower to be aware of the danger.

I can't believe it takes me so long to implement new disciplines.

It will be a fight. The toughest fight in a man' s life. But if i don' t overcome, i might as well die (don' t worry this is not at all a suicidal warning but i am so angry that i see this as a fight to death).

But I LIKE FIGHTING !!! Men like fighting. Who likes fighting here ? Raise your hand. God bless you i see that hand.

My problem is not so much with porn than just with imagination with wimen. I think my problem is that i have a strong power of imagination to create scenarios in my head. Basically i am obsessed with sex (probably like most men i guess, but in the unhealthy way of fapping). But i watch porn too and this is not helping me.
And the fapping addiction i think is every bit as strong for me whether i watch porn or not. I mean my brain is so used to think about sex...

And i have done it for so long since i was 14 average once a day  :( that my brain is used to work at creating those fantasies, completely wired to do so.

I kinda know the traps because i fell in them ad relapsed many times. But this time i want it for good.
But i need to be ready to suffer. I think that is the key. You need to be ready to suffer in this reboot. Know that it will come and you must overcome.
The tidalwave of sadness and fap-needyness is coming.
Of course i have tips that help a lot, like gettin busy all the time but even so, only in ten minutes i can fap without porn so for me it is more a complete fight against my own brain.
The accountability will help. You will help a lot if you follow me and leave a short comment. Thank you in advance.
I want to recruit among you my fellow warriors a accountability Partner (or more) to comment on each other' s journal and help each other.

Thank you for reading. Please pray for me that i be able to overcome withdrawal suffering and temptation. Please Lord help me and bless my journey.
The Lord is the most important person in my life,  even though i am not worthy to walk with him because of that very addiction that i have.
This is what i m missing because of that : walking with God my redempter.

But hey guys ! I have experienced the benefits already !! Tremendous ! So i know it is more than worth it.
I didn' t want to leave with a negative thought of suffering because the benefits are so cool man ! So neat !

Thank you for being here.
God bless your own journey friend !

Arthur2
« Last Edit: September 18, 2019, 05:13:08 PM by Arthur2 »

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2019, 02:36:44 PM »
Day 1 completed.
It is evening so for me it daytime not completly over because i work nights i am used to go to bed very early in the morning even when days off work, but anyway, i was too excited about writing this first report.

Now this is not uncharted territory for me. Indeed i already have experienced 1 week, 2 weeks even 2 months streaks as i mentionned. So i barely passed the threshold today obviously, but this time i am writting this journal, so it is different, because i am consciously making myself accountable, and this is the first time i share this endeavour with somebody.

Something kinda funny crossed my brain this morning : i had this evil thought that i almost regreted starting this journal, because it forces me to succeed or otherwise i ll be flaking on (my reader ?) my journal. This was my brain acknowledging the fact that i am implementing a new way to battle against it.
I added a new weapon to my gear and my brain "saw" that and was not excited about it.
My brain is my enemy. Or rather it is a wild animal that i need to tame in order to retrieve my life back.

I crave a little bit tonight.

Lord help me please.
See you tomorrow diary.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2019, 02:48:25 PM »
Welcome, man.




BlueHeronFan

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2019, 06:49:00 PM »
Welcome to the group, man. Participating here has really transformed my recovery journey, and I hope you find the kind of insight and support that you're looking for.

Just a couple thoughts after reading your first post:

It makes me sick and angry because this thing is evil but at the same time i like it. I love it from my bones. It is like a cognitive dissonance where you love doing a thing but you also hate doing that thing. This has to stop.
Can you guys relate to that ?

Yes. I can relate.

The thing about this addiction is that, on some level, it provides a benefit (pleasure) but that benefit comes at a real and escalating cost. Part of this process for me has involved giving up on the idea that someday I will magically not want it anymore. Instead, I have had to focus on learning how to live a clean life even though there is a part of me that wants it.

My problem is not so much with porn than just with imagination with wimen. I think my problem is that i have a strong power of imagination to create scenarios in my head. Basically i am obsessed with sex (probably like most men i guess, but in the unhealthy way of fapping). But i watch porn too and this is not helping me.
And the fapping addiction i think is every bit as strong for me whether i watch porn or not. I mean my brain is so used to think about sex...

Just something that I have a learned recently and it might help you too. The problem is not that your are obsessed with sex and have a strong imagination. The problem is that you are suffering from addiction. And addictions are our brains' (misguided) way of taking care of us when we are in pain. Addictions are coping mechanisms, ways of escaping larger problems and traumas.

This realization has completely changed the way I deal with addiction and feel about myself. When I feel a temptation or urge, instead of getting mad at myself and trying to punish myself into good behavior, I can slow down and try to figure out what kind of pain or problem I want to escape from. Porn and masturbation are symptoms of larger issues, and it can be really important to find that underlying pain and suffering and to address that instead.

Learning to be gentle with yourself and to love and respect yourself as a person in pain (instead of a gross pervert) is really important. It has made a huge difference for me. Glad you've decided to share your journey with us.

Go get it!

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2019, 07:08:47 PM »
Hello fellow warriors.

Day 2 completed here.

Thank you Lero.
Thank you BlueHeronFan for all the advice. Especially the part about not beating myself up as a pervert. We must not pretend that part of us that craves sex is not us, but embrace it and understand it is a part of us that has been damaged by the misguided use of P and M.

I think this is crucial in beating this addiction to realize that we attack an underlying issue and the brain is the one that is damaged and needs restauration.

Earlier this evening I was watching a video of the youtuber Gabe Dawg about quitting PMO, and he was basically saying the same thing as you are, that is that punishing oneself into good behaviour is not the solution, but rather understanding that there is an underlying issue and that porn and M has been the poor way i found to deal with it.


And i say i am "angry" because it took me so long to take action against it and i wasted all those years. I didn't really knew better. But i thank God he helped me to take action now.
I am angry in the sense that i strongly want to fight and be delivered.
And actually it is exciting to be on that journey ! Journey ! It is like an adventure ! i like it. Something i have never done. Somewhere i have never been.
I can't wait to reach the stormy waters of day 7 and face the storm.
I can' t wait to reach the uncharted waters of month 3 (cause i have already visited month one and two in a previous sail), as a land of wonders and danger and great rewards.

Today was a good day. Still waters still. I already know that usually the first week comes with not too much cravings for me, because i went through a "first week" several times. Usually the storm comes around day 7 when i start thinking about how cool it would be to have a girl in my arms.
I am suffering from loneliness !!!   :0

That 's an other thing that i have realized too, that is most likely related to my addiction. And even if i was nt fappn at all, i don' t have enough friends and people to socialize with. (Not only talkin about havin a girlfriend). And i am not depleted at all from social life but i still need a more active social life. I had realized that for a long time but i just put it on "paper" tonight. You saying that there was an underlying issue helped me to admit it here on my journal.
Thank you for your help Heron.

Yes fappin is for me a coping mechanism to deal with my loneliness, which should be adressed by me going out and meet people (which i do but this is so rooted in me).


I am confident that both Having a better social life would help me recover from addiction, and that recover from addiction WILL help me get a better social life.


Tomorrow (i mean today because it is 2 AM) evening i go to work so we ll see how it goes. Work is a different situation where i am more busy so i have less risks but there is also a little bit of stress which could trigger.

I don't want to disappoint yall. I don' t want to disappoint God.

Have a good day. See you tomorrow.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2019, 03:59:17 AM »
I could relate to the first week being easier. I've made it to one week a few times in a row. Hard urges started during the second week, this time.

It's good you are "angry". Get that anger and turn it into the power to over this addiction. Don't be angry in the sense of regular anger. That's detrimental. "Get mad at porn" like me. Be digusted with porn. Develop this disgust for porn. Anytime there is porn on the horizon, say: "Get the fuck out of my face right now!" This practice has helped me deal with seing triggers by mistake.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2019, 04:02:24 AM by Lero »

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2019, 12:45:41 PM »
Hello fapstronauts,

day 3 succesfully completed here.
A little craving this morning, but nothing to be too worried about.

Later in the day i stumbled on a quasi-pornographic YouTube content and that is where i need to be careful and apply this disgust for porn that you are talking about. Otherwise there is a risk.
I didn' t edge i just "swell" and barely touch it. But that was a rookie mistake. I should have stopped this thing "in the egg" as the saying goes in french.

Now i am good.
Feeling tired though but it is just because my sleeping pattern is messed up due to my job.

Today i watched a video about what addiction really is, and they describe an experiment that has been done on rats, where basically
_ rats in a boring cage, when presented with pure water to drink and cocaïne water to drink ,they drank the cocaïne one and ended up dying,
_but rats locked up in a very pleasant and entertaining cage with toys, games and females were content with the clean water, and didn' t crave the drug.

They did n't need the drug because they had a good life and they already had the stimuli they needed.

I think i have been like that as a kid : a rat in a boring cage. So i ended up taking the drug to compensate the lack of real excitment. But now that i have considerably improved the quality and pleasantness and meaning of my "cage" (my environment), i am still stuck in this old habit which is like an old stinking garment that has to go.

Thank you Lero for the advice.
Blessings on your journey.

See yall tomorrow.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2019, 02:18:12 PM »
Later in the day i stumbled on a quasi-pornographic YouTube content and that is where i need to be careful and apply this disgust for porn that you are talking about. Otherwise there is a risk.
I didn' t edge i just "swell" and barely touch it. But that was a rookie mistake. I should have stopped this thing "in the egg" as the saying goes in french.

That's right. I walk around with this digust for P and anything that I would use as a substitute. When I see something on Youtube for example, this digust comes into play. It made me leave the trigger in a matter of 2 seconds. And I'm not even kidding. I haven't indulged in anything deliberately in 15 days.

The second paragraph is also correct. Stopping everything as early as you can is the way to go. Stopping yourself when the craving starts and not searching for material to look at. Stopping in the first second of seeing a trigger, stopping in the first second when a porn flashbacks or porn induced/related fantasy pops up in your mind. If you do this right, the streak grows bigger.


Anyway, good luck, man.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2019, 08:11:27 PM »
Keep at it, man. It sounds like you're getting through this week in a good way.

I've heard about that rat experiment before. It's definitely true for me that recovering from this addiction has meant improving a lot of different aspects of my life. If we can build a better life for ourselves one day at a time, we won't need to run to porn for coping with it.

If you make every day a good day, you'll end up with a good life.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2019, 07:27:23 AM »
Keep at it, man. It sounds like you're getting through this week in a good way.

I've heard about that rat experiment before. It's definitely true for me that recovering from this addiction has meant improving a lot of different aspects of my life. If we can build a better life for ourselves one day at a time, we won't need to run to porn for coping with it.

If you make every day a good day, you'll end up with a good life.

You know, the risk of having no joy in your life is that porn could become your only joy. You might only want to PMO to feel better, which is also a form of soothing/coping/self-medication etc. That's why I think it's important to have things in your life that bring you joy, maybe even some hobbies.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2019, 01:15:32 PM »
Yo fellow fighters.

I succesfully went through day 4 of the fapstronautic journey.

Earlier in the day I had thoughts of cuddling with a girl and fantasized a little about it, but i cut it short. But it was my strongest "urge" since i started this new streak, even though the urge was mild. But i didn' t indulge in it and cut it short by accepting the suffering.

These dangerous thoughts occur usually when i wake up energized, but after i have succesfully battled it by gettin up and doing stuff, they let me alone.

But this event kinda "scared" me for the future battles because it reminds me how fierce the struggle can be sometimes, after a few days or a week, and my old man is still here ready to unleash his lust.
Although i think i have a much milder addiction than many other fapstronauts because i barely was into (too) weird stuff like R and A and didn' t liike it, but rather i was more into pictures and cartoons than movies.

And today i also remembered how during my two months streak i was edging a lot, which tells me that it was not a real clean streak and it was not sustainable.
We need to control our thoughts like Lero said.

Nuf said.

My goal is to come to a point where i wouldn' t need this journal anymore but come to a point where i don' t really think about it anymore and don't need it anymore.

Stormy area ahead.

Today was a good day.

Amen.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2019, 01:32:08 PM »
Oh, i forgat to mention :

this morning i had a glimpse of the "benefits" that go with no fap, when my coworker that starts her day when i finish my night arrived at the hotel where i work, i felt that "confidence" talking to her and staring at her right into her eyes. I felt total confidence that i could have gotten close to her and touch her if i wanted to.

But i put "benefits" and "confidence" into quotations marks because that is actually just me being more horny and if i am more bold with wimen the risk would be fornication which is worse than fapping because it involves the other also in a deceitful non-commited relationship. And that "confidence" that i experience could easily translate into unappropriate behaviour.

And i am not repressing myself here i am just being aware and i need to remind myself that there is a danger if i don't fap : that i would fornicate easily.
And that is not the goal of this journey at all. That would still be treating wimen wrong.

Because for many years to be honest i wasn't confident with wimen and i didn' t feel the need to approach them and attempt to flirt because i was already draining myself and self-satisfying so i was like : "Hum whatever... what' s the point of tryinng when i can just fap ?"

Because this new "superpower" will come with a new challenge : to not fall into the trap of lewdness.
Until i reboot for good.

God bless.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2019, 01:56:56 PM »
Oh, i forgat to mention :

this morning i had a glimpse of the "benefits" that go with no fap, when my coworker that starts her day when i finish my night arrived at the hotel where i work, i felt that "confidence" talking to her and staring at her right into her eyes. I felt total confidence that i could have gotten close to her and touch her if i wanted to.

But i put "benefits" and "confidence" into quotations marks because that is actually just me being more horny and if i am more bold with wimen the risk would be fornication which is worse than fapping because it involves the other also in a deceitful non-commited relationship. And that "confidence" that i experience could easily translate into unappropriate behaviour.

And i am not repressing myself here i am just being aware and i need to remind myself that there is a danger if i don't fap : that i would fornicate easily.
And that is not the goal of this journey at all. That would still be treating wimen wrong.

Because for many years to be honest i wasn't confident with wimen and i didn' t feel the need to approach them and attempt to flirt because i was already draining myself and self-satisfying so i was like : "Hum whatever... what' s the point of tryinng when i can just fap ?"

Because this new "superpower" will come with a new challenge : to not fall into the trap of lewdness.
Until i reboot for good.

God bless.

Good job, bro. Yes, it's hard to get clean but it's maybe harder to stay clean. The problem is the mentality that you might develop: "I'm clean now, I am in control, a little bit won't kill me." That's how recoverying addicts play with fire and get burned.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2019, 12:55:30 PM »
Day 5 over, here.

Not much to say. Arrousal this morning, without any material to look at. No edge yet. Sailin quite smoothly.
But i am still dreading the 7 th day storm of lust.

I got "cupid's poisoned Arrow" book by Marnia Robinson in the mail today and started reading. Very interresting book that goes against the mainstream pornographic performance-based view of sexuality that exalts orgasm. This is a life-changer.
For an explanation of this book, see "NoFap 540 Days: The Key To Heaven On Earth, Karezza" on YouTube.

really i come to see more and more nofap as an absolute necessity for any man.

Have a good day fellow warriors.

Arthur2

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #14 on: August 07, 2019, 01:16:33 PM »
That's right. Sexual energy is the fuel behind men. Throw it away too much and this will weaken you. Porn has the talent to keep men docile. It is the most precious energy, that's why we should be more strict with ourselves and keep it inside us. This includes staying away from excessive masturbation too. I mean, I wouldn't masturbate at all if it wasn't for PMO. I don't see any reason to masturbate. One would masturbate for what? Pleasure? Pleasure again. We have to stop living for pleasure. Pleasure only brings craving. The only excuse for throwing away the sexual energy is for sex. I understand the point there. But PMO is obviously poison, we should know by now. Masturbation? Man, lying in bed and feeling lonely is not my thing.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2019, 12:43:58 PM »
Day 6 over.

Day 7 ahead.
I have relapsed many times on day 7, and then binging afterwards, because just as Lero was saying in his journal, when you relapse you have that mentality that says : hey i just messed up i might as well go all the way today because i already messed up and then i' ll start over tomorrow.
But this is silly of course because

----->

As a result of that mindset, i have many times binged in one night after a relapse a number of times equal to the days of abstinence prior to that, which makes me at the end of the day have on average one fap a day, as i pretty much had my entire life.
So the streak was compensated by the bibging.
Shame and failure. But at least in those occasion i have learned.


Quote
Masturbation? Man, lying in bed and feeling lonely is not my thing. [quote/]

Absolutly. I mast to cope with loneliness, and then i am more lonely because i fapped. Endless death cycle.

Quote
That's right. Sexual energy is the fuel behind men. Throw it away too much and this will weaken you. Porn has the talent to keep men docile. It is the most precious energy, that's why we should be more strict with ourselves and keep it inside us. [quote/]

Right. I don' t think we should masturbate at all. But save it for a wife as a most precious gift to her.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #16 on: August 08, 2019, 12:45:00 PM »
Haha lol. My quotes are all mixed up messed up.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2019, 12:45:56 PM »
Quote
test quote [quote/]

test quote

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2019, 12:46:31 PM »
Quote
test
Quote

Quote test

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2019, 12:48:23 PM »
I am looking forward every day to go to this journal and update and proudly say : one more day !

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #20 on: August 08, 2019, 12:56:51 PM »
Arthur, have you figured the quotes yet? You have to write at the beginning and end of what you want to appear as quote, in that blue stuff. Then you write your reply under it.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2019, 12:59:31 PM »
But this is silly of course because

----->

As a result of that mindset, i have many times binged in one night after a relapse a number of times equal to the days of abstinence prior to that, which makes me at the end of the day have on average one fap a day, as i pretty much had my entire life.
So the streak was compensated by the bibging.
Shame and failure. But at least in those occasion i have learned.

Definitely. You binge and end up screwing up your progress. Let's say you stood away from PMO for 7 days then you PMO 7 times. Doing it once is actually less damage and you could get back on track easier. I'm not saying you have to PMO at all but, you still did it, once is better than 7. My example with the hammer and the finger is actually a good thing to keep in mind, without further explanations and questions. "I won't do it more than once cause more than once is more damage. More blows to the brain."



Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #22 on: August 09, 2019, 04:26:19 PM »
Quote
Arthur, have you figured the quotes yet? You have to write at the beginning and end of what you want to appear as quote, in that blue stuff. Then you write your reply under it. [quote\]

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #23 on: August 09, 2019, 04:30:25 PM »
You have to put "/" at the beginning of "quote", not at the end.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #24 on: August 09, 2019, 04:32:51 PM »
Quote
Arthur, have you figured the quotes yet? You have to write at the beginning and end of what you want to appear as quote, in that blue stuff. Then you write your reply under it. [quote\]

Yes thank you Lero. I was just not using the right "slash" to close the quotation.

Milestone day 7 succesfully passed here.
I think i have been in some kind of flatline today, unless it is just general fatigue.
I have been busy but i remain aware that i walk on a narrow bridge, and i could fall if i start looking in the abyss beneath.
I am fully aware that i could relapse if i am not careful, but right now i am doing pretty good.
It is not the time to dwell on thoughts.

Been staying bus today.

To night i am very tired.
I expect no fap to give me more energy in the future.

Thank you for the support.

God bless you in your journey.

Haha thank you you just posted it while i was writting.