Author Topic: I want to be as i was when i was a kid (The PMO hatas)  (Read 2607 times)

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #50 on: August 21, 2019, 07:16:47 PM »
I want also to say that i also want to stop masturbating altogether. For me this journey is also a reboot from masturbation addiction AND p addiction. Both.

For me they go hand in hand because i really don' t need porn to get urges and binge masturbate right now because i am so entangled in this habit. My brain is filled with images and i produce in my head my own movies with girls.

And as you said there is that chasing effect that is gonna make you want to watch porn after MO.

So today is day 4, and surprisingly, unlike my previous streaks, i had strong urges every single nights. Because usually i don' t have urges that strong on the first week.

I was as i said at my grand parents house and sleeping close to everybody else and without internet so it helped me resist. I didn' t edge and applied that "starving the addicted brain" method.

Therefore i had several bad nights of sleep, but i take that as a victory and moving forward in the battle because i had those urges that i usually have after day 7. So i think the effects of my previous streak are still here, and i am capitalizing on it (at least that is what i like to think, in order for me to help encourage myself).

But also the images of the previous porn are here also in my brain and that is a bummer.

I am tempted tonight.

I will read a little of the journals to help me get through the night and then get back to work (i work nights).

God bless you and help you, whoever fighter you are.


Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #51 on: August 22, 2019, 02:27:48 AM »
I want also to say that i also want to stop masturbating altogether. For me this journey is also a reboot from masturbation addiction AND p addiction. Both.

For me they go hand in hand because i really don' t need porn to get urges and binge masturbate right now because i am so entangled in this habit. My brain is filled with images and i produce in my head my own movies with girls.

And as you said there is that chasing effect that is gonna make you want to watch porn after MO.

Yes, I realized on day 21 that masturbation didn't work for me. Now 11 days later, I don't want to go back to it. I could masturbate without porn. Maybe I am able to do it again. But you see, it creates this chaser effect. Maybe because of so many years of porn binges. My dopamine system is not normal right now. I always followed a PMO session with another. I couldn't stop after only one PMO. So maybe this is why I crave another masturbation session after I do one. I don't like this chaser effect because everything in excess is not good. One masturbation session in 21 days is nothing to go crazy about but binge masturbation all day, this is not exactly how I want to do it. This is not the same with having sex 5 times in a day. Masturbation is pleasuring myself while being lonely and isolated in my room. There is no satisfaction in this. I can't binge masturbation and be happy about it.

However, if you masturbate to "porn in your head", this is the same with masturbating to porn. There is no point in doing this. So if I had to draw the line, I wouldn't do it at all. Just for the chaser effect alone I wouldn't advice it.

Quote
So today is day 4, and surprisingly, unlike my previous streaks, i had strong urges every single nights. Because usually i don' t have urges that strong on the first week.

Every streak has the chance to present differencies. For example, I usually got urges on day 4. This streak I didn't. The first 6 days were a breeze. And then hell unleashed. Urges might not start on the same days, the current streak might not be the same as the last one.

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I was as i said at my grand parents house and sleeping close to everybody else and without internet so it helped me resist. I didn' t edge and applied that "starving the addicted brain" method.

This is the best method. I advertise this around here like I'm selling something. The only great way to approach this. Complete starvation. No peeking, no edging, nothing. Don't feed the addiction at all. 10 seconds of peeking or edging is already a lot. Nothing. Zero. Not even 1 second. This is the approach that took me to 32 days. However, you have to know that brutal days could come. I've had a lot of really tough days. Yesterday was very very hard. But "complete starvation" made me go to sleep without a relapse one more time. It's the biggest help during tough times. What happens to someone who is starved everyday? He dies. The addiction will die.

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But also the images of the previous porn are here also in my brain and that is a bummer.

Yes, this is my biggest problem too. Our brain stores what we see. We have porn stored in our brain that we can see anytime we want. And when you don't want to watch porn, this is when those fucking porn memories come to stress you out. This is tough. It could actually make someone relapse. In the past, I've had relapses that started with me stimulating myself to porn memories then I escalated to searching for porn material.

Take care, man. You know what you have to do.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #52 on: August 22, 2019, 07:23:47 PM »
Day 0 again.

No big deal. I am not crumbling. I just fapped once to a single picture of a girl' s face. I was feeling the dopamine flowing in my brain and comforting me. I was sweating with excitment.
Pfffff ! The animal !

Anyway, i resisted the other urges that came afterward during the day by reminding me of my goals.

I feel stronger now and even if i relapse i have more weaponry in my gear to evolve in this adventure.
And that because of this journal.
I really enjoy writting here.
I kinda feel like my streak isn' t even broken (i know it is broken though, cmon !).

I know : relapsing is a little bit of a shame but i still have the right mindset of succes.
And the next few days are gonna be so busy and tiresome for me that i should be ok.
Hopefully i can sleep after work.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #53 on: August 22, 2019, 07:32:58 PM »
But this dopamine hogh is surprisingly starting to feel awkward to me.
In a way i don' t like it anymore like i used to.

It is cool. Maybe it means that i am starting to feel that healthy disgust and shame for porn.
Sure this community helps me in that way because when i have to report here a relapse i feel ashamed and so next time i' ll be more carefull because i don' t want to come here again and say again : day 0, i am a loser !

The accountability definitly helps, because here people care about that and human beings are very sensitive to peer pressure and in our case this peer pressure that we have for one another, or rather the social value of no PMO that we have here is a healthy social pressure.

Unlike in the world where nobody dares to say they care., and therefore everybody finds themselves alone to face the demon.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #54 on: August 22, 2019, 07:34:13 PM »
When i started this journal i would have never imagined that i would lay on paper so much of my thoughts, and it is ramping up.

That is neat !

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #55 on: August 23, 2019, 04:36:15 AM »
A good step in this recovery is to avoid feeling misery after a relapse because you can't do much in that state, you don't even feeling like starting again. They key to success is to keep trying until it works and you seem to think this way which is great.

You know, a relapse doesn't even make me feel good because of the feeling of regret that interferes with the "high". So I don't want to relapse at all.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #56 on: August 23, 2019, 12:15:46 PM »
Thank you man. All this is true.

I think that now i have acquiered that mindset to have regret interfering with "pleasure" (physical pleasure) of relapse. That helps a lot. I think it is a very key element to be able to foresee the disapointment of a relapse and then don' t relapse, because the intellectual discomfort of the relapse (i failed again, i let my buddies down, i' ll lose the benefits...etc) is stronger than the temporary relief of the relapse.

I feel like i start taking control.

And also expressing that here helps so much.
I was kinda reluctant to do this at first because of laziness maybe but it is definitly a great help.

And i don' t know if a lot of people are reading this but only for me it helps.

Thank you whoever you are reading this for being my accountability partner even if you don' t comment.

I also read other journals you may not know when i don' t comment and it helps.

To summarize my journey so far : i have been helped, helped, helped. And i have thought, thought, thought.
 8)

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #57 on: August 23, 2019, 12:30:57 PM »
I think that now i have acquiered that mindset to have regret interfering with "pleasure" (physical pleasure) of relapse. That helps a lot. I think it is a very key element to be able to foresee the disapointment of a relapse and then don' t relapse, because the intellectual discomfort of the relapse (i failed again, i let my buddies down, i' ll lose the benefits...etc) is stronger than the temporary relief of the relapse.

I know exactly what you're talking about. This has been a part of my current streak.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #58 on: August 23, 2019, 01:07:55 PM »
Aren' t we learning a LOT here ?
I mean : technically i am still on day 1 because i relapsed yesterday once but i feel like i had so much more wisdom and knowledge about my addiction since i started here.

I have such a better grasp on how to fight the addiction now.
Such a netter understanding of the mecanisms.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #59 on: August 23, 2019, 01:09:42 PM »
Aren' t we learning a LOT here ?
I mean : technically i am still on day 1 because i relapsed yesterday once but i feel like i had so much more wisdom and knowledge about my addiction since i started here.

I have such a better grasp on how to fight the addiction now.
Such a netter understanding of the mecanisms.

That's right. I could say the same after 3 months here. I mean, my progress before joining this place was laughable. Since I joined this place, I have 3 months on this forum but 1 without porn.

mr_redstar

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #60 on: August 23, 2019, 05:22:27 PM »
I would say don't be so tough about M. just quit porn at the first step.
Remember that fantasy about porn and sex also count as porn.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #61 on: August 23, 2019, 11:48:44 PM »
Here is the thing : i had periods in my life when i barely watched any porn, yet i have been consistently masturbating for 15 years average once a day.

And when i have urges it is very often due to fantasie about sex, not even watching porn.

I have masturbated way more often to a fantazie with imagination, not evem thinking about porn but thinking about a woman ! Any random woman that i had met or seen on picture.

So for me these things are deeply rellated.
Now i understand that for a heavy porn addict, going from PMO to MO might be a first step.
Only a first step.

Day 1 completed here.

But i don' t even feel like i am on day 1.
I feel like i am on day NOFAP FOR EVER.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #62 on: August 24, 2019, 05:10:08 AM »
Arthur, anything that helps you go on with the recovery is what you should do.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #63 on: August 24, 2019, 12:07:39 PM »

Quote
I know exactly what you're talking about. This has been a part of my current streak.

This forum taught me that, and to have this mindset.
I really don't want to come here and say : "hey day 0 again" again.

Even if i go to day 0 i will start over again of course but the disapointment caused to others (because i have disapointment when i read about others relapsing too) is a really bad feeling.

To the point that last time i was tempted to lie and pretend i didn' t relapse. But that would be so wrong to do this and remove the whole purpose of this journal. The fact that i was tempted to lie and don' t tell yall that i had relapsed is a proof that my brain wants to find any posssible way to continue its rewarding habit in peace.

But it is not gonna happen.

I'll say day 2 completed here, even if it is early in the day, but i might not have an other opportunity to come here til tomorrow.
I masted only once since last saturday btw.

See you later.


Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #64 on: August 25, 2019, 06:18:50 PM »
Day 3 over.

It went great. I was very busy and exhausted.
No urges.

Tonight i feel like looking at a little bit of porn, just for a little entertainment and comfort. What a damn STUPID thought !


Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #65 on: August 25, 2019, 10:39:15 PM »
Right now i feel more little cravings for watching P.
It is annoying. These cravings are strictly only in my brain, and i really feel the addicted pathway.
As if i were on a slope that wants to make me slip and fall in the abyss.

The easy thing to do would be to yield.
Abstaining is the hard thing to do.
If i can abstain tonight, and i will, because the urge is really not that bad at all, tomorrow i will be stronger.

I can' t wait to finish work and be back home and sleeeeeeep cause then i am on rest time and tomorrow (actually today afternoon) i get to do groceries (i enjoy doing groceries  ;D ) and boxing again (the teacher was on vacashun).

I am hungry right now also because i started practice restricted time eating where i basically eat on a restricted period of time of 6 to 8 hours between roughly 5 and 12 PM.

I think this practice is also good to help control myself and subject my body, besides the health benefits.

Because truly i was also eating all the time before and since feeding is also triggerred by a dopamine release (though lesser than sex), i huess i was a little bit addicted to food and candy.

I started pretty much at the same time i started this journal.

I think this discipline of restricted time eating which is way easier than nofap is gonna help me with nofap also.

It is gonna help me to have better control of myself overall.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #66 on: August 25, 2019, 10:50:58 PM »
cravings for watching P is related to bitterness and sadness of rejection by a girl who broke up with me long ago.

Tonight they both feelings happened at the same time.

It is the proof that they are related, kinda like squid was mentionning in his journal, that he recently MO' d because of loneliness, and that it was revealing of loneliness.



They are absolutely related, and nowaday for me fappin is a coppin mechanism against that rejection and also loneliness.

In the past it was for coppin with stress and not knowing what to do with my life but today it is for dealing with rejection and loneliness.

Nofap has already made me be aware of that fact.
Nofap is gonna make me face and resolve this issue.

And then i can be pure and ready to worthyly connect with a girl.

If i want to.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #67 on: August 26, 2019, 02:15:55 PM »
cravings for watching P is related to bitterness and sadness of rejection by a girl who broke up with me long ago.

Tonight they both feelings happened at the same time.

It is the proof that they are related, kinda like squid was mentionning in his journal, that he recently MO' d because of loneliness, and that it was revealing of loneliness.



They are absolutely related, and nowaday for me fappin is a coppin mechanism against that rejection and also loneliness.

In the past it was for coppin with stress and not knowing what to do with my life but today it is for dealing with rejection and loneliness.

Nofap has already made me be aware of that fact.
Nofap is gonna make me face and resolve this issue.

And then i can be pure and ready to worthyly connect with a girl.

If i want to.

I know exactly what you're talking about, bro. It is a form of soothing/coping/self-medication or whatever you want to call it. It's been like this for me for as long as I can remember. Before I discovered P, I used to masturbate thinking about things that I'd seen in movies.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #68 on: August 26, 2019, 03:31:03 PM »
Yes and this is why we should do hard mode so much the more because lets say you have zero acces to P, you will still be exposed to sexual images in the world.

To be honest i can fap thinking about the girl at my boxing gym that i just met today. She is cute just like 95 per cent of girls and that is enough.

And i was fapping before being exposed to so much porn.

And i have been numbing myself all those years, not facing the reality of feelings but drowning them in that addiction.

Now i am glad i became aware that this was a big issue, and aware to know how to face the issue.

Also glad to share this with others having the same minset.

Hard mode forever !

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #69 on: August 26, 2019, 03:37:17 PM »
Day 4 over.

]MO is a big issue in and of itself.

Now obviously PMO is worse but still MO is bad.

I can' t wait to see benefits of hard mode and hear about others telling their benefits.

Something slight that i started to perceive is that i frame new goals in my mind now that i am serious about this nofap journey.

Indeed and even if i am only at the beginning i started thinking about learning a new musical instrument and also compete in kickboxing. I start being even more bold than before and i can' t wait to see where it is gonna lead me.

Also i started to read more like i used to when i was a kid.

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #70 on: August 27, 2019, 12:39:06 AM »
I'm on hard mode. If you want, do it with me.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #71 on: August 27, 2019, 06:09:17 AM »
Yeah i saw that on your journal. That' s awesome brother !

Technically i am on hard mode too. I just failed a couple times since i started this journal.

But yes i want to do it along with you and in 3 months we can compare the benefits together.

God speed !

Lero

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #72 on: August 27, 2019, 11:17:26 AM »
Yeah i saw that on your journal. That' s awesome brother !

Technically i am on hard mode too. I just failed a couple times since i started this journal.

But yes i want to do it along with you and in 3 months we can compare the benefits together.

God speed !

I'm on hard mode from now on. I had 21 days of hard mode and I absolutely loved it. I definitely need that again.

Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #73 on: August 27, 2019, 03:52:10 PM »





Quote
I'm on hard mode from now on. I had 21 days of hard mode and I absolutely loved it. I definitely need that again.

Are you now addicted to nofap ? That is great !

haha i am joking of course but actually i think that if we get social reward for not fapping this can become true.

Like for example when somebody tells you : "hey congratulations for you streak !"
It is rewarding you and therefore you are gonna want to seek more such rewards by making an even longer streak.
I think that is how peer pressure works and it can be used in a positive way.
It is how it works with those journals.

By the way : congratulations for deciding to implement hard mode for good. I am looking forward to hear you tell about new benefits and days accumulating and other improvements.




Arthur2

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Re: I want to be as i was when i was a kid.
« Reply #74 on: August 27, 2019, 05:09:47 PM »
Day 5 done here.


Let us do it together.

And this is our symbol  >:(

And this is our slogan : "Let' s turn tables on that ugly monster and painfully choke IT to death once and for all."

Our goal is hard mode for life (except case of marriage for me).

The way we fight is badass way. A relapse is not the end of the world. We don't quit but we always get back up if we fall.

We also like this dude :  8)