Author Topic: Heartbroken / Feeling it's all my fault  (Read 571 times)

Heartbroken43

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Heartbroken / Feeling it's all my fault
« on: August 27, 2019, 02:51:36 AM »
I'm not even sure where to begin , I met my partner nearly 12 years ago now. Things at the beginning were usual and magical.  I'd been through some awful relationships & at last I'd felt I'd met the one. Now 3 to 4 years ago I had started to get some health problems. 3 years ago I got sepsis & the following year I went to stand up and couldn't.  An mri showed 4 prolapsed discs which couldn't be operated on. So now here we are I'm with a man who's now emptying my commode and pushing me in a wheelchair. And I admit my sex drive took a plummet , I was in so much pain , on fentanyl and other opiates.

And some where especially the last year I've noticed no real connection between us. We were more like best friends with the occasional sex. It's not that I didn't try to instigate sex , I found myself touching him & him not responding in any way to me at all. He'd be totally & utterly unresponsive if he " played with me ' and that hurt so so much. The last few months I tried and felt he just didn't want me at all. Until last week it reached a head. I had once again tried to instigate sex & again nothing.

I asked wtf was wrong with me & do you not love me & I asked him out right had he been watching porn ( I'd had suspected for a while ) Staying up on his xbox next to me way after I went to sleep  And he openly came out & said yes , even what type he watched. He's told me he didn't know what had happened to his body & he was aroused by me but his tackle didn't work. And apologised profusely for any pain it had caused me & promptly made an appointment for the gp. He's also cried  .... lots.

I do love him very much , but I'm scared this is going to break us , I'm not ashamed to say I felt cheated on , that I was ugly and unwanted , so much so that my fiancee no longer got an erection by looking at me or even playing with my vagina. I honestly cannot put into words the upset I feel right now , the anger,  the constant ache in my chest. It bloody hurts!

I mean how long is this going to take , can I wait weeks or even months? For me personally I like to know my partner is enjoying my body & before this he was hard at the sight of me. And although he says hes enjoying it , i just can't believe him. Nothing physically is showing me that & i need that ( if that makes sense ) to know I'm wanted & liked.

How do we start to fix this? He's said he won't be watching it anymore after realising how much he's hurt me & he never ever wanted that to be the case. It comes across that hes very ashamed & I don't want to make him feel any worse than he does. We crossed lines somewhere of me thinking he hated me & I guess him turning to other options as I was laid in agony next to him thinking I'd never want sex again. It does hurt that he never once asked me if that was the case just assumed.

I know I've probably rambled & repeated myself , but I do know this. I don't want to throw away a 12 year relationship but I know in my heart I can't wait potentially months / years for this to rectify itself.

 


bob

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Re: Heartbroken / Feeling it's all my fault
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2019, 05:42:48 PM »
I at least want to say that this isn't your fault. It hurts but it is not your fault.

The other thing I can say is it is at all possible, try to find someone (therapist) that you can talk too. And, do not accept someone who does not understand this problem. In fact, I would try and find someone who has experience in sexual addiction issues. Its important.

Good luck and, please take care of yourself. Your safety and well being is the most important thing right now.

Heartbroken43

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Re: Heartbroken / Feeling it's all my fault
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2019, 06:05:41 AM »
Thankyou Bob , I've calmed a little since the other day. It still hurts massively,  we've had many many talks , many tears . He promises porn & masterbation is out of his life. But what I'm struggling with is if he touches me or wants to try be intimate,  I have this deep gut feeling that it isnt about me he finds sexy , if that makes any sense? It's like it's all been a lie & I think hes not thinking about how sexy i can be. He has said it wasn't because I'm not attractive or sexy. He did it to make himself feel good for his own selfish reasons & it wasnt about the girls he was watching. I honestly have no idea if it's like that for men,  I find it terribly hard to get my brain around that.

bob

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Re: Heartbroken / Feeling it's all my fault
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2019, 08:48:49 AM »
has said it wasn't because I'm not attractive or sexy. He did it to make himself feel good for his own selfish reasons & it wasn't about the girls he was watching.

This is true but it doesn't negate the fact that you have been betrayed and that you are dealing with a great deal of pain in you own right. Just make sure that you take care of you. It is important to feel safe and right now that is extremely difficult.

You deserve to heal on your own terms.

Peace