Author Topic: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate  (Read 347 times)

hutch144

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 25
    • View Profile
Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« on: August 05, 2019, 10:00:38 PM »
It is the final week of school. I am almost finished the first semester of my final year. It has gone by quickly. I am currently recovering from a two day stretch of an aggressive porn bender, the first session was 9 hours long, and the second, the next day, was 6 hours long. Today I woke up completely disinterested in everything as if sleepwalking. I stayed inside all day and completed a few mundane tasks. I studied about 9 pages of Locke, which was highly uncomfortable, boring, and it took tremendous will power to focus. At no point was I interested or curious about his ideas. I did laundry, and cooked, and meditated for an hour (the meditation was an hour of feeling deeply- a heaviness, boredom, and restlessness in my soul). Now this could sound impressive to some, I suppose, or not impressive but at least not horrible, but I really did not complete any real work. It felt like anything requiring even a semblance of effort was like holding a 300 pound bar on my back. Usually, I could go to the library and hustle and actually complete the work- but porn zaps the brain, kills who I am.
   The truth is, I am scared of porn. I am frightened of how impossible it has been to stay stopped (I’ve been trying to quit for two and a half years). I am afraid of time passing, knowing that I am mentally ill, that my brain is warped, that i’ve been lost in a disinterested fog for so long that I don’t know what its like to be healthy and normal, and that I can’t escape it, and maybe condemned to live only a half-life under porns  &*%!ing spell. I don’t want to be done with porn when I am 50 and my 20’s and 30’s wasted in this life-sucking addiction. But time and time again I have written in this way and thought in this way, determined never to do it, but the insanity comes in, and I fall back into porn, then get all messed up, and leave it alone for a few weeks, then press repeat, again and again. On a positive note, I’m not giving up. Don’t care, can’t go back to just passively watching it.

DoneAtLast

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 443
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2019, 09:14:36 PM »
I think you have a healthy respect for the damage that porn can do.  Keep that.  Ditch the fear, though.  It is an enormously powerful demon that ultimately you can beat. 

It sounds like you're white knuckling too much, and planning too little.  Figure out triggers, bad times of the day, things that make you relapse, and so on.  When you do relapse, keep it short.  If you're doing those binges every time you relapse, you'll make it very hard to get back on the wagon.  If you keep it short and keep getting back on, you'll slowly gain some strength to do longer stretches.

Sitting and reading philosophy is pretty much the antithesis of frenetic internet clicking, whether that be with porn or anything else.  You will get back there though, I promise.  I'm a bit ADHD naturally, so when porn and internet were really kicking my butt, my reading suffered.  I've been getting a lot better lately, and kinda shocked how quickly I can change things.

AlexthenotsoGreat

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 113
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2019, 12:31:49 PM »
Quote
It felt like anything requiring even a semblance of effort was like holding a 300 pound bar on my back. Usually, I could go to the library and hustle and actually complete the work- but porn zaps the brain, kills who I am.

This is how I feel at this very moment. For the past few days, after one very close call, I've still been doing my daily routines, but now I'm really struggling to do anything else. I'm just exhausted all the time, like I hiked up a mountain or something, yawning constantly. I don't know if it's withdrawal or simply an overactive mind, but I can't find any energy to do what I know needs doing. Has anyone else experienced this fatigue?

Jay2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 65
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2019, 05:00:37 PM »
It is the final week of school. I am almost finished the first semester of my final year. It has gone by quickly. I am currently recovering from a two day stretch of an aggressive porn bender, the first session was 9 hours long, and the second, the next day, was 6 hours long. Today I woke up completely disinterested in everything as if sleepwalking. I stayed inside all day and completed a few mundane tasks. I studied about 9 pages of Locke, which was highly uncomfortable, boring, and it took tremendous will power to focus. At no point was I interested or curious about his ideas. I did laundry, and cooked, and meditated for an hour (the meditation was an hour of feeling deeply- a heaviness, boredom, and restlessness in my soul). Now this could sound impressive to some, I suppose, or not impressive but at least not horrible, but I really did not complete any real work. It felt like anything requiring even a semblance of effort was like holding a 300 pound bar on my back. Usually, I could go to the library and hustle and actually complete the work- but porn zaps the brain, kills who I am.
   The truth is, I am scared of porn. I am frightened of how impossible it has been to stay stopped (I’ve been trying to quit for two and a half years). I am afraid of time passing, knowing that I am mentally ill, that my brain is warped, that i’ve been lost in a disinterested fog for so long that I don’t know what its like to be healthy and normal, and that I can’t escape it, and maybe condemned to live only a half-life under porns  &*%!ing spell. I don’t want to be done with porn when I am 50 and my 20’s and 30’s wasted in this life-sucking addiction. But time and time again I have written in this way and thought in this way, determined never to do it, but the insanity comes in, and I fall back into porn, then get all messed up, and leave it alone for a few weeks, then press repeat, again and again. On a positive note, I’m not giving up. Don’t care, can’t go back to just passively watching it.

I feel your pain.  This habit, like most addictions, has the capacity to rob us of our natural curiosity for life.  It has the capacity to take what is rightfully ours.  I spent many years lost in the binge pattern you described.  It took me far too long to address my problem, and far too long to find and use a site like this.  I have abandoned relationships, interests, ambition...I have abandoned morals and values that I thought of as the essence of who I was.

Now I have resolved to purge my brain of this cycle.   I won't be a slave to it anymore.

That you have acknowledged the problem so early in your life, and the fact you are here, posting with such honesty...it augurs well for you.  I hope that you persist in tackling the problem, and I hope that you start to generate the life you want, and that you begin to reach the rich potential at which your post hints.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2019, 10:41:13 AM »
Hutch, I feel you, man. What you're saying sounds so familiar. I've done that a lot. It's been a few years since I've been trying to quit this shit with no noticeable success until now. My streak is 19 days, for the first time since I've discovered porn. I guess I have a little bit of anxiety about it because I don't want to lose this streak. I don't want to go back to my porn routine and ruin it. Maybe because it's the first time when I'm really progressing in this battle. Right now, it's black or white. I either go on and recover or fall again and return to my pattern.

I've been thinking about this a lot. One half of me is desperate for the awesome feeling of an edging session after 19 days, which would feel great. The other half wants to go on and be done with porn. It's hard. The craving sometimes drives me crazy, like blood for sharks. I've lost more than 10 years to this shit. I've lived like a subhuman because of this fucking poison. Maybe this determination could be the final piece of puzzle.

The recovery is possible but it's very, very hard and that's why, unfortunately, some won't make it. Right now, I've no idea if I will be another one who will be done with porn, or another one who will bring it back into my life.

hutch144

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 25
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2019, 08:01:09 AM »
Thanks so much guys for these responses. I've taken it to heart. Good to hear I'm not unique in this but also that leaving porn behind can absolutely be done. I guess we're the first generation up against this new kind of drug. Thanks again fellas, i'm really moved by the support. I'm going to quit this. Keep any slips small, get back on the horse immediately, and stay organized. Set up a recovery game plan. Wish you all the best of luck. This support system is phenomenal.

Kenny77

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 5
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2019, 11:47:26 AM »
I can definitely relate and feel your pain!

mookie6092

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Need to Vent: maybe fellas can relate
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2019, 03:18:50 PM »
Are you exercising?

I've tried meditation, but it's not for me, however when I'm exercising hard, I literally cannot think of anything else as I'm too preoccupied with being exhausted.

A lot of the time I have to force myself to exercise, like tonight for example, but I know I feel so much better for doing it.
I try to say to myself "turn up, for 5 minutes, and if you really can't do it, at least you gave it a go". Don't think I've left after 5 mins yet.

It's the only thing that keeps my demons away if I'm honest.
Constant over stimulation numbs me.

u=5463655445430272[/img][/url]