Author Topic: Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?  (Read 209 times)

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?
« on: July 11, 2019, 11:49:58 AM »
Hey guys,

I just recently joined this forum, and I believe I'm benefitting greatly from posting. I was just wondering if there's anyone in their twenties out there who is in a long-term relationship or married, who is in from PMO addiction recovery. I'm 27 and just got married 6 months ago to the most beautiful, intelligent woman - the love of my life. We have a great sex life, and I'm very happy, but I just can't seem to kick this PMO habit. I feel I owe it to her and to myself to kick it completely as I feel I have outgrown it. I communicate openly with her about it but still struggle to put the brakes on it. Is anyone else in a similar situation? It seems there are generally a lot of single guys on here.

Thank you!

- Adventurer
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 01:55:35 PM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

DoneAtLast

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Re: Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 09:10:51 PM »
I'm in my 30s and single so I can't contribute directly, but I will say that checking out the Partners of Rebooters board on here can be quite educational.

I will say that I sense a flaw in your logic, being that porn is for single guys and once you have a real woman, you shouldn't need porn.  This will only frustrate you as you navigate trying to quit.  First, porn =/= sex, and it certainly isn't the same as a loving relationship.  A spare tire can't replace grandma's china because they aren't the same thing, and the same is true here.  That is why your marriage, as beautiful as it is, isn't displacing the porn.  Partners can often feel this quite acutely as they ask "what am I not providing that he needs porn to satisfy himself?", but it is important for everyone.  It doesn't mean it isn't robbing you of something sexually or relationally in your marriage, but it just doesn't fill the same hole within you.

The thinking affects single guys trying to reboot because they keep telling themselves "if only I was married/had a girlfriend/whatever..." and that becomes their excuse.  Porn addiction doesn't pick favorites between those in relationships and those not in relationships.  Married guys do come on the boards, though you're right, there don't seem to be as many right now. 

Of course, the other point I'd make about talking about "out growing" porn is that there is no point in a guy's life where it has a place, and we can't grow out of it because we never grew into it to begin with, but that is likely just a semantic point and me being fussy.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2019, 10:24:55 AM »
Hi DoneAtLast,

Thanks for your comment. I think the issue you found was a semantic one, and I apologise for my lack of clarity. Allow me to clarify what I meant. When I said I've outgrown porn, I don't mean that it's because I'm now with a woman. The background to my P addiction is that for many years I was suffering from extreme depression, anxiety, and was being mercilessly bullied at school. I also suffered from abandonment issues because I was sent away to boarding school from the ages of 8-13, and so believed no one loved me or cared for me. Then my parents moved to a different city. I didn't fit in well at the new school and everyone hated me, and I already had very low self-esteem. So, during my teenage years I found porn, having my first PMO at 15 when my parents got high-speed internet. At the time, it served its purpose. It was an escape from my day-to-day; the fact that I had no friends and no one to turn to about my depression and anxiety, and it was escape from the reality at the time that I hated myself and wanted to die every day. It numbed me out to the world and took the edge off the depression at least.

Between the ages of 19-21, at university, I began to take an interest in personal development and meditation. I realised I was addicted to P when I found yourbrainonporn.com and realised it was a thing. Until then everyone had always just talked about it like it was normal. I managed almost a year clean from porn but went back to it after I broke up with one of my exes and moved to another country. Five years later, I'm here trying to get clean again.

When I say I've grown out of porn, what I mean by that is that porn once served an important purpose to numb me out to my day-to-day which was full of abuse and basically like a living hell. But it didn't make me happy, in fact it added to my problems, and once I realised that, that was when I grew out of it. Porn will never fulfil me or heal that trauma from my younger years. In fact, watching porn is like reliving that trauma over and over again, when in reality, I've overcome so much and can genuinely say I'm now a very happy, contented person. So, I've grown out of the need for P due to the work on myself that I've done, due to finding my spiritual path, due to meditation, having some great friendships, and many many other positive healing factors that have all contributed. Having a wife whom I deeply love and is my best friend, is an added bonus, and I know that now, my life is not just about me anymore. Now, it's about us. This means that I owe it to her, not just myself, to be the best version of myself that I can be, and to love and to cherish her 'until death us do part'. I know that my capacity to be a great husband will only improve once I kick this habit. Also, when I have kids, I would like to be a role model who can talk to them openly about sexual health when they're old enough, and speak from my experience of having overcome this addiction.

I don't think that P is just for single guys. I think P, like any other drug, is initially used as an escape from something, whether that be trauma or something as simple as boredom. For me, it helps to remind myself that my trauma is over, and that I don't have to keep numbing myself out. For the first time in my life, I actually want to feel everything fully, not just escape into the world of PMO.

I hope that makes sense.

Peace,

- Adventurer


DoneAtLast

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Re: Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2019, 08:24:30 PM »
Ah, sorry I misunderstood, but it is good to talk about it for anyone else reading the thread.  You express it very well.

I hear you.  Attachment anxieties were a big trigger for me through porn, and a comfort as I had trouble fostering relationships, and i can trace it back to childhood stuff as well.  My own opinion is that the emotional triggers are the last man standing in a reboot - after we figure out the sex stuff, the arousal stuff, the basic triggers like social media or having a beer in the evenings, it is the deep emotional wounds that get us the hardest.

Have you read about attachment theory?  I wonder if you might find that beneficial, especially since you're now in a great marriage.

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Re: Any 20-somethings in long-term relationships?
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2019, 12:19:32 AM »
  It's the information I'm looking for as well.