Author Topic: 24yo Journal  (Read 2118 times)

Lero

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #150 on: August 17, 2019, 04:02:12 AM »
A relapse is not a fail, it's a way to learn. I blew a 13 days streak (that was like yours, not clean, I had edged about 4 times starting with day 7) and then the next streak is this one, 27 days. It can be done. I saw what I had done wrong with the streak before, I implemented it and I have almost 1 month. If you don't repeat the same mistakes and find solutions for the problems with the last streak, you could only grow.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #151 on: August 17, 2019, 06:09:09 PM »
Yeah, it's important to remember that growth is not linear. It's been 10 years of trying and failing (but learning along the way) to get to this somewhat stable place where I am now.

Bleh, I think I need a new approach.

If I can just project my own experience onto you again, this may be true but be careful not to go back on what you've learned so far. For a long time, my habit was to relapse and then quit all the "maintenance" things I was doing up until then. It must not have worked, I'd think, so I'd give up on them.

But these things take time, and the secret is in consistency despite failure rather than in just changing one day and being in the clear from then on. At the beginning of this current streak, I decided that my "new" approach was to actually commit to doing all the old things that I knew had worked in the past (counting days, putting a filter on my internet, writing about my thoughts and feelings, etc.).

Relapses have a way of tricking us into thinking we haven't actually learned anything when we have. Don't fall into that trap. Stick with what you've learned already, commit to learning from this relapse and its associated triggers, and get back at it stronger than ever before!

Do or die

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #152 on: August 18, 2019, 12:24:50 AM »
A relapse is only a test of our will power. I am still rebooting even i relapsing from last 4 years. But i improved my life. Because now i relapse after 10 , 21 days etc. It means it really more than when you started. So start again with total concentration , who knows you are very close to reboot. So do it now. You can do it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #153 on: August 18, 2019, 03:49:20 AM »
A relapse is only a test of our will power. I am still rebooting even i relapsing from last 4 years. But i improved my life. Because now i relapse after 10 , 21 days etc. It means it really more than when you started. So start again with total concentration , who knows you are very close to reboot. So do it now. You can do it.

With our recovery, we have to evolve. After every relapse we have to learn what the problem was and try to find a solution. We have to find what mistake we made and avoid it. Never to relapse in the same way over and over again because like this you go nowhere.

Do or die

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #154 on: August 18, 2019, 06:25:58 AM »
A relapse is only a test of our will power. I am still rebooting even i relapsing from last 4 years. But i improved my life. Because now i relapse after 10 , 21 days etc. It means it really more than when you started. So start again with total concentration , who knows you are very close to reboot. So do it now. You can do it.

With our recovery, we have to evolve. After every relapse we have to learn what the problem was and try to find a solution. We have to find what mistake we made and avoid it. Never to relapse in the same way over and over again because like this you go nowhere.
Yes you are right lero
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #155 on: August 18, 2019, 11:16:17 PM »
Thanks guys. Relapsed about 5 times between yesterday and today. Followed the chaser. Bleh. Now I'm about 7 hours clean, but I did some thinking in the interim...

Good call on having learned something despite not being perfectly successful, Heron. I just get so cynical and I think it hurts me quite a lot.

Had a horrible cold over the last 48 hours, and it hasn't improved the situation. I've just been sitting around feeling like I'm torturing myself not to jerk off, and for what?

I was just thinking down to the root of all of my desires, wishes, and wants this evening, and here's what I've got. For me, porn is all a fantasy of a life I wish I was living. In that fantasy, I see myself as strong, confident, superior, and powerful. In real life, I don't always feel like that is true, and I get this tinge of excitement whenever I improve myself or become stronger or better in some way. When I start to feel insecure or cynical or just plain turned on by something, I relapse back into that fantasy either through the use of porn, or MO. Neither one of them helps me achieve my goals, but when I get far enough away from porn, I start to get more altruistic. When I get altruistic and combine it with my insecurity, I feel like I'm being used, and I get mad and relapse again. It's a cycle that keeps leading me through it. I feel like the escape would be a complete and permanent personality change, or fulfilling the aspirations of this mindset, which would grow into something larger. My triggers are practically everywhere, especially present in the media, which presents this image of masculinity that's almost impossible to meet. It's not the reality of the situation (for many people, but many are heavily influenced by the media), but so often, I cut and paste that vision into everyday activities. Failing with an attractive woman turns into this crisis that I might not be attractive/tall enough/have the right personality/enough experience/any number of things. This turns into hatred, back into PMO, and back into this constructive movement toward making myself seem more acceptable to myself, even if it hurts me emotionally or physically or wastes time.

A few years ago, I said "screw it" about relationships, since I honestly felt like I enjoyed gaming more than being with people, which just felt like anxiety followed by hardship followed by anxiety, etc. But I started to feel lonely and less motivated. And here I am again. That's a cycle too, but a conversation for another time.

To tell you the truth, I don't think that most people are the way that I see them. I see them as more judgmental, etc., but I think that for the most part, that's me being influenced by porn/media, and feeling like everyone is constantly weighing/evaluating me. But at the same time, I feel like people DO do that underneath everythign that they say and present of themselves, or at least the people I aspire to be like. I think that I need to try again, this time completely stopping with all media and porn interaction, and just reacclimate myself to what people are like without understanding them through the lenses from porn/oversexualized/oversaturated media. That would be less triggering. But at the same time, I need to back it up with real solutions I work toward, along with learning a more realistic outlook on what people are like.

That, and I think I shouldn't judge myself so harshly for having the desires and wants I have. Bleh, but at the same time, it seems so unsustainable. Trying to be more masculine is a full time job that makes me angry at people. By the time that I get strong/fast/good enough to feel masculine, I'll have become so self-righteous and filled with contempt for everyone around me that I'll have lost what desire it was I had in the first place.

It's a huge paradox. Maybe I just need to be a bit more confident. Ultimately, I want to be good enough to not be concerned with my own masculinity, its effects on my health, how other people perceive me, etc. I want to get stronger and be seen as strong, more important and be seen as being of more importance, but not spend my time thinking about how strong/important/great/masculine I am. I achieve that through improving myself.

I feel like once I made these things effortless, I'd be able to figure out what are my next level, underlying desires. Maybe then I could actually focus on doing good/meeting someone and enjoying spending time with them/doing something that brings fulfillment/some combination thereof. Maybe that's jsut the case. Maybe I need to spend a few years doing just this.

1. Take off the brainwashing helmet that is porn/mass media/internet self-guided worrying/constantly not feeling good enough and constantly comparing myself to others.
2. Follow my desires. Make art. Improve myself. See if it makes me happy. See how my values and ideas change as I get farther from the influence of the brainwashing.
3. Reassess and change from there. If it really does make me happy, then it's my new reality. If not, then change directions.

Come to think of it, this happened when I was a sophomore in college, and it's also a section in 12 Rules for Life. You judge yourself by what you compare yourself with. Literally NO ONE should be happy since there is always someone better out there. For that reason, you'll never be happy if you constantly compare. But it feels like you're lying to yourself. Maybe the takeaway is this: try to be the best at whatever it is you're doing, but never judge yourself by others' success or you will never be happy. Jeez, that's a pretty good takeaway. Try to stay consistent.



Do or die

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #156 on: August 18, 2019, 11:42:36 PM »
keep going you can do it
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #157 on: August 19, 2019, 01:48:46 PM »
Thanks man!

Day 1

This reboot has much in common with my last. I feel a sort of bored determination.

What went wrong before?
- I was too tired out by my work and commute schedule and I got sick and relapsed
- I continued to use subs, media outlets, fantasize, edge, and didn't cut out everything related
- I overexercised (my main healthy substitute) and had no other replacements for instant gratification besides PMO
- I judged myself for my feelings, even if they felt unjustifiable. It added to the loop of self-loathing
- I didn't know what to do as celebration for finishing work and used PMO because I had no ideas
- I did not establish replacement bedtime rituals
- I did not approach tugging consistently without emotion, and I grew impatient and hysterical
- I didn't give it enough time for my mind to rewire so that a normalized worldview could return
- I used the wrong cues
- I followed the chaser, and had multiple relapses after. But it helped me better understand my cynicism.
What I CAN DO:
- I will use my time off from work to stay well rested
- I will cut out all other sources that prolong the rebooting process. I will give up internet use except for a few select cases.
- I will think of other healthy replacements besides exercise for PMO
- I will not judge myself for my emotions. I will validate them. But I will not let them take over, as good cognition-directed emotion is greater. I will try to understand my cynicism.
- I will use designated celebrations (even video-gaming, as I seem to have more control over that potentially-addictive habit) and plan for unstructured time more
- I will read every single night before bed
- I will revise my timelines with tugging and be more patient with it to stay motivated and detached in the long run.
- I will make it longer than 35 days, hopefully longer if not forever, if not  and make the time higher quality this reboot
- I will identify and completely cut out the possibility of cues, or use extinction training/psychological tricks to make cues less powerful. (like Pavlov's dogs NOT salivating and associating the bell with food)
- I will NOT follow the chaser or think "it's hopeless and I need a total reset" next time. But how will I make sure that the reboot is energizing and not taking away energy in some areas?

Let's work on these things



Lero

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #158 on: August 19, 2019, 02:07:22 PM »
Great work, Rob. Your analysis everyday will lead to something. Eventually you will figure out how to follow this rebooting in the best way possible. You are not far away. You went what? 30+ days? You are close. If you eliminate the subs and stay away from porn material, you go back to 30 days in no time. But urges could get brutal, beware.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #159 on: August 19, 2019, 05:09:24 PM »
When I relapse, it usually happens over a couple days. Binges are the worst, but hopefully this one has worked its way out of your system.

I definitely think that I have assumed that people are assuming the worst of me for a long time. I think, because I have been such a harsh judge of myself, that I figure other people are just as weirded out by me as I think they should be. But the truth is that they probably, in fact, mostly definitely aren't.

Part of this process I think involves learning to be less harsh in the way we judge ourselves, and that will lead us to worry less about how others are judging us. Porn definitely is an escape from reality that messes up our perceptions of reality. Doing what you can to focus on things that are actually real sounds like a great plan.

Here's to better days!

Do or die

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #160 on: August 19, 2019, 10:00:01 PM »
Your analysis is correct. And your motivation is impressive. Relapse is just a part of recovery bro. If you have problem then you cure it. So by relapsing we just know our problems. And fix that problems next time. Best luck bro. I am also close at day 3 today
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #161 on: August 20, 2019, 12:54:42 PM »
Day 2

Thanks Lero, Heron, and Do or Die!

Good points all, and the previous reboot definitely has affected my perceptions and development, along with my awareness of what to look out for, where there are underlying problems, etc. In no way was it wasted time, and I think I did a decent job for a first time back in awhile. I'm very thankful for you all! And most of what was happening before was pretty much right if it got me so far, I'm convinced! I think those changes are most, if not all that I need to make it farther, if not all the way.

I'm trying to balance reflection as well as living my own life, and it's worked well the last 48 hours so far.

I had a weird initial flatline yesterday, but the fantasies came back after a restless night. The good news is that I was awake with nerves since I had my road test today, which I passed! Unfortunately insurance charges make it so that I won't be driving much anytime soon since I have no real use for a car yet and I'm now saving up for grad school, but it's a license nonetheless! I no longer have to feel so dependent and embarrassed about having a permit, and it was cause for celebration. I think that making big life moves like this - getting a license, going to grad school, getting a great job, moving to your own home, and so on, would be really great decisions to rush at more directly. Even if I don't feel ready. It's like stepping into a cold shower. The more you do it, the less your inhibitions have power over you.

Next up: start back on routines. Then apply to all my grad schools within a couple months. Let's get this done and do a great job at it so that I can get a better job, independence, and guide my own lifestyle, rather than having to live at home



Lero

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #162 on: August 20, 2019, 01:04:07 PM »
Great, man! You got your driver's license.

squid

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #163 on: August 20, 2019, 10:20:04 PM »
Stay the course rob!  You have come so far.  Your progress isn't erased, continue to build on the foundation you laid down.  You got this

achilles heel

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #164 on: August 21, 2019, 01:38:42 PM »
You're doing great in analyzing your previous reboot and learning from it. It's important to learn from every relapse to not repeat the same mistakes during the next try. This is a marathon and it's about endurance. By changing your habits step by step you will succeed, you've got what it takes!  :)

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #165 on: August 21, 2019, 03:07:00 PM »
Thanks guys - bleh I relapsed again, but I feel pretty numb to it. Fantasizing, being alone, tugging, and frustration led to it again. I could probably cut out some of it, but I did all that before and I was fine. I don't really feel like I care that much right now. It's weird. Like all that emotion for so long just led to this apathy. I'm back on day 0 again. I will keep working at it, and this weekend I'll be getting away to meet friends in another state, so that pretty much guarantees me about 4 days of liftoff. Hmm, I had a really strong resolve before from wanting to be more social. Now what is there? I don't feel like I have that same motivating fire. Runs and workouts feel passionless, and I oversleep. What is important to me right now? I'll think this over.



BlueHeronFan

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #166 on: August 22, 2019, 05:48:42 PM »
Fantasizing, being alone, tugging, and frustration led to it again. I could probably cut out some of it, but I did all that before and I was fine.

I don't think it's practical to cut being alone or being frustrated, but I would suggest being careful about the idea that you were fine before without cutting those things out.

Just as an example, fantasizing. For a long time, I knew that relapses always followed periods of more intense fantasizing. The pattern was right there for me to see, but I kept telling myself that fantasies were not a part of it. I said A) at least fantasies aren't porn, so they're okay and B) it's not even like a lot of my fantasies are even sexual. Therefore, they should be fine and I should be fine if I never give them up. But I couldn't sustain the kind of life I wanted (one away from porn) for any longer than a month when I let fantasies stick around.

Near the beginning of the year, I decided that fantasies had to go because, even if they weren't porn and even if they were a part of my life before porn, they were now a definite part of my relapse cycle. It has made a big difference to get rid of them.

So I guess I'm just saying be careful hanging onto behaviors that contribute to relapse because they have been okay in the past. Just because something wasn't a trigger before doesn't mean it can't be one now. Some of these smaller "harmless" behaviors are the hardest to let go of because they still give us some pleasure or relief and the negative consequences aren't as obvious. But if it leads to relapse to any degree, that's not something I can afford to keep in my life.


I don't really feel like I care that much right now. It's weird. Like all that emotion for so long just led to this apathy.

This is also very real. The thing about anesthetic is that it doesn't just block pain. It blocks all sensations so that we can't feel anything. Porn has done us a real service in the past by helping us to escape pain, but it has also done a lot of harm by numbing us to everything else and stripping away our motivation.

I don't want to minimize your feelings. I know that feeling of not really caring. But that might just be the porn talking. Keep at it!

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #167 on: August 22, 2019, 10:32:02 PM »
Thanks Heron. I feel partly like I'm not being true to this forum since I feel like I've stopped caring about whether or not I use porn much over the last couple days. Though I feel like I'm getting at this weird anger which has likely been warped or distorted by porn. Though I'm getting sort of resolved to this anger, with which I can live and function, despite the occasional outburst or feeling of total defeat and nothingness.

The whole circumcision dilemma has got me really tied up in knots for years, and it gives me this mix of confidence, hatred, self-hatred, detachment, enraged productivity, and a whole mix of other emotions and behaviors, some of which actually feel beautiful at times, despite the fact that they make me miserable. The whole dilemma makes me abandon any ideas of living a normal life and aspire more to make myself some sort of statue or testament to my own hatred rather than do anything that's expected of me - have a family, pursue a normal job, have normal life goals and aspirations - and instead try to do things of violently great magnitude to escape my present situation, such as running and winning races, seeking YouTube fame, working out like crazy, etc. It's one of those things where, no matter how you express your feelings, and I've said all of this to my parents last year and I sort of thought it would give me resolve, I never seem to reach resolution. I also expressed it incredibly inappropriately and angrily, but I felt like that was the only appropriate way for me to do it and feel resolved. It didn't work. For Christ's sake, I spend so many hours of the day literally pulling on my dick skin - hours that could have been spent being living a normal life. I am incredibly miserable and desperately want attention to make me forget about all this stupid anxiety. Somehow I feel like that would make me happy - a lot of it would be to spite other people, as I've said before, if only for that momentary feeling of superiority. Now I realize why I haven't had, nor wanted any relationships for years. I realized that I'm so full of this insecure hate and nobody should have that thrust upon them.

I feel like I am bad and other people look down on me. So I want to make myself great and make them feel how I felt. It's like I'm trying to build myself into some awesome robot that can do a lot of tricks, then hits self-destruct at the end, destroying all its own potential in this self-righteous explosion. I remember experiencing a lot of similar victimized feelings as a kid. Maybe it's not even about the circumcision thing, but just something wrong with my personality.

A lot of people don't give this whole thing a second thought. I think it's because I'm really caught up in my own ego. But at the same time, I feel like it's almost impossible not to. Anytime I try to socialize and have a good time with other people, I feel inferior until I do something that establishes me as superior in some way. That's one reason why it takes so much buildup - months of working out, makeovers, etc. just to feel okay and at ease around other people. Does that sound screwed up? I don't even know what I want, and so I often just resolve myself to wanting to be better than other people.

Sometimes writing helps me get it out of me, but I feel like it's this whole knot of emotions I'm afraid I'll never be able to completely resolve. I think I was best at dealing with them when I was a junior in college and I resolved not to get mixed up in relationships anymore and seek only friendships. I had to fold away the passionate part of myself for my own stability. I don't want anyone to see how I feel anymore, nor do I feel like granting anyone that privilege. I really don't want to hurt anyone as an individual either. I like most people as individuals, at least at first. I just have this weird sort of numb hatred. I want to be like a machine that's really powerful and shiny - and I hope that the discipline kills all of my screwed up beliefs in the long run. Maybe toiling away and working on myself could make me better. Imagine getting a better job, becoming a better athlete, honing my skills, and making myself into a well-oiled machine, and all of it could happen while I tuck away my ego and fold it until it's small and manageable. Eliminate memories and feelings of inferiority until all that's left is what appears strong and stable to other people.

The last time I remember feeling really gratified about what I made of myself was later on in college, when I poured all of this feeling into working out. It was caused by all these exact feelings I've been talking about. I gained like 30 pounds of muscle in a few months - I was ridiculously dedicated. The exact moment I felt gratified was when this girl I thought was out of my league or would think I was weird said "I bet ___ would give a really good massage" when all my friends and I were sitting around hanging out. That was a pretty big come-on if I ever heard one. I didn't feel like doing anything, even though I was attracted to this girl. I was scared it would ruin our friendship, and I was so inexperienced and not smooth at all that I knew that everything I did with working out was overcompensating, but I desperately longed for being able to have casual relationships with other people like that. I was also probably addicted to PMO at the time, though this was around the time of my 63-day streak. Still, I was happy with the fact that I'd made myself important/attractive enough to make other people feel what I'd felt. Still, it felt like I was building up this massive suit of armor that would crumble if you flicked it. And yet it was real, and I'd earned it. Maybe if I'd gone farther down that road, I would have reached greater fulfillment and some sort of enlightenment. But I always get tired or cynical after enough time, it seems. I feel like this time, it's all about building up that consistency, and making sure that the armor is reinforced by bulking it up with solid fundamentals, like quitting PMO.

The last time I really felt affected by this or identified exactly what I wanted to make of myself was when I watched this anime, Darling in the Franxx. There's a character on the show, 02, who's sterile and half-bred to be half-human and half monster. She's consumed by this hatred for herself and it makes her stronger despite the fact that she's miserable inside. She hides her monster qualities and hones her skills. The more I think about how screwed up I feel like my whole beliefs system is, and the ways I spend my time, the less I care about passing any of this down to a next generation. I really can't live with myself, and other people fill me with disgust. Maybe it would be better if some sort of super-productive machine person replaced me.

And so that's my resolve. Kill my own ego. Quit porn. Master my abilities. Torture myself in these ways because I'm incapable of enjoying normal socializing and fun without my ugly ego getting back into the picture. Someday maybe once this is all a distant memory, maybe I'll be able to have normal relationships without feeling so much backlash from my godawful ego.

Bleh, that's all for now. It seems like every post ends with me resolving to be more productive. That's always been how I've been happiest, so let's keep that up.



Lero

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #168 on: August 23, 2019, 09:14:43 AM »
Stand firm and find your truth.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #169 on: August 23, 2019, 05:52:34 PM »
Anytime, man. I hear what you're saying, and it will probably look like I'm cherry-picking things to comment on, but that doesn't mean I want to disregard or devalue the rest. I think these are all good things to think about, talk about, and work through.

I feel like I am bad and other people look down on me.

I have spent a lot of my life feeling this way. I know how easy it is to say "Snap out of it!" and how hard it is to actually snap out of it. This is a real feeling, but it isn't a feeling grounded in truth. You aren't bad, and I bet people don't look down on you. (We definitely don't, and we know about how you feel at your worst! I bet a lot of people have a lot of regard for you, but porn does make us blind to that.)

Maybe it would be better if some sort of super-productive machine person replaced me.

Maybe, but I sort of doubt that. Would it be fair to say that you're seeing your own value as a measure of how useful you are to other people? Or maybe how much more useful you are than other people? I think our culture really prizes productivity, but there is more to us than that. When I think about the people I really care about, it's not the people I think are most productive. When I think about the people who care about me, it can't because I'm the most productive person they have met.

Your future employer might like a super-productive machine replacement for you, but your future friends, significant other, family, etc. can't possibly think that's a good trade.

It seems like every post ends with me resolving to be more productive. That's always been how I've been happiest, so let's keep that up.

Definitely keep up what works, but, like my last thought, don't get too carried away in the idea that your productivity is your value. Because you are a human being, your value way transcends your productivity or anything that you do. It's just part of who you are. You might not believe that right now (I have to remind myself of it all the time), but don't forget it either.'

Porn did not teach me to value people. In my endless search for idealized women's bodies, I had no trouble throwing people away with a click because they were too flabby, too skinny, too muscular, the wrong race, because I didn't like the shape of any number of body parts... It is very easy to learn that people are easy to throw away, and it is easy to feel like we are just as disposable because we aren't getting any of the action we see in porn. None of it helps us to see anyone's intrinsic worth.

Productivity is just a way of sharing your intrinsic worth with other people. Let it build you up and build other people up rather than run you ragged in the pursuit of some elusive ideal.

Motivation comes and goes. Sticking with it when you aren't as motivated isn't dishonest. It's human. Here's to hoping your motivation comes back soon, but we're here with you either way.

squid

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #170 on: August 23, 2019, 09:15:41 PM »
Dear Rob,

I missed you man.  Let me write what I believe the voice deep in your heart has been whispering.  You are loved, just the way you are.  You do not have to change in order to be worthy of love.  You are already worthy.

Let me be a witness.  Allow me to remind you.  You admited you had a problem.  You made a plan.  You started keeping a journal. You joined a community and shared your thoughts on other people's journals and that made a difference.   You recorded on your journal how staying p free was beneficial.  You went over a month without porn.  That's amazing.  Your brain was starting to rewire to natural levels of dopamine.  This rewiring directly helps you be productive and reach your goals because you will feel pleasure from little things again.  And all big feats are built with little steps.

Rob, if I may, I suggest you forgive yourself.  It's hard I know, I have been where you are man I really have and it's horrid.  Take a deep breath and get back on track. 

Sincerely,

-squid

rob24

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #171 on: August 24, 2019, 09:59:53 PM »
Thanks guys - Lero, Heron, Squid. Im grateful that you guys engage me in a way I feel I'm unable to engage many people for the many social consequences that might come about, and for your guidance, love, dedication...I could go on. I hope to get to your wavelength in thought and feeling soon. The help you supply me guides me to your happy place!

Day 2

I've been away this weekend, and so I haven't posted. I've experienced urges away from home. It's been years since I left my parents' home for a night, and I had forgotten the sense of meaningless detached loneliness, along with the decenteredness, added maturity, and independence it gave me. I feel like an astronaut floating through space.

My close friend and I have had a great reunion weekend, hanging out, going out to bars, and meeting with other classmates. Though I feel this weird malaise a lot. Maybe it's from the porn relapses, but I just feel incredibly alone. I'm incredibly high functioning now and can handle myself well in social situations, and excel at meeting and getting along with new people, as I've done this past weekend, including complete stranger older women my friend and I met at a bar yesterday, and I don't even feel self-conscious in the moment, but I still feel this massive existential Gap in why I do everything I do. I spent the weekend in the city just thinking "all these millions of people are just stepping on each other and adding to entropy while releasing heat and burning up the universe." Everyone's just incredibly horny and I'd rather be having a massive orgy, and I couldn't stop thinking of things like my own height and how attractive I am and how much money I make and all these other rating systems I've set up to constantly measure myself by. I feel like 99% of the lives I see are not ones worth living, for whatever reason. I feel like we are spinning out of control in this chatoic universe where anything is permitted. On account of all my insecurities, I feel like I'm living like an amputee, and I'm just observing a chaotic world for a long sentence until I die. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of living until I find something to live for.

Fortunately, I got some help on my career dilemma by meeting a lot of people in very similar situations to me, and I think I'm going to pursue my growth in a tech-finance skillset and go back to working with Python again. I loved coding, I loved teaching coding, and it seems like a natural fit, despite the high entry cost in time and labor.

I drank more alcohol than I have in months, and socialized similarly, though now I just want to go home and get back to my grinds. While I'm relieved that I can thrive in any social situation with new people, I also feel like these aren't my own people to some extent, and I feel like my friends are in diaspora - spread out all over from college, high school, etc. I take comfort in routines. I hate the feeling of not advancing your skills, and I hate complacency. I love the feeling of slow, steady progress, and I'll be glad to have stability and peace at home. Still, I'll be sure to punctuate with more social outings, perhaps locally. It turns out I enjoy spending time with people. I used to be so impatient a few years ago. Perhaps working with students helped me exercise this capacity. I'm incredibly glad I could teach, and only now that I've done it can I appreciate what it's done for my ability to manage people, feelings, and relationships - things with which I struggled, unawares, for years.

Lastly, I feel lonely and incredibly horny. I wish I had someone to share all of these thoughts and feelings with. I can't imagine what kind of crazy person would ever be a sounding board for all of my insane, immature, human, self-centered, often naive, and egotistical, intellectual self-analysis, but whoever it is if I ever meet them, I'm sure it would be an interesting relationship. More than anything else, I've been more honest with people lately in some ways, or at least more honest with myself. I need to be able to share my true feelings, no matter how ugly I think they are, with people important to me, otherwise I won't be able to develop relationships of great meaning and value. That means, to a great extent, I will need to submit my pride to communicative understanding with someone someday. The thought of it scares me. Jeez, maybe I'll date a therapist. I ought to become more like one myself if I ever want to be the good I'd like to see in other people, myself.

Anyway, that's lots to ponder, but it's progress and I'm glad for it!



squid

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #172 on: August 24, 2019, 11:43:28 PM »
Welcome back buddy!  Try not to overthink things, enjoy the weekend with your friend and get some of that sweet late summer relaxation.  It's going to be fall very soon.  Do you have any activities you are doing regularly to move out of your head and onto the body?  For example, Tai Chi, Yoga, Hiking, Running, or Bioenergetics?  I feel like any of those done regularly would be very helpful to you like they have been to me.  If you haven't heard of Bioenergetics look it up and give it a try.  Elliot Hulse has some good YouTube videos on it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #173 on: August 25, 2019, 06:00:55 PM »
I've definitely felt that floating in outer space feeling after a cycle of relapse. It's not fun at all, but I have always found it reassuring to realize that aspects of this addiction and recovery aren't just limited to me. It doesn't really fix anything, but hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone in that experience.

I really second squid's idea to do something that pulls you out of your head and into your body. I really like yoga, meditation, even cooking for that sort of thing. My mind is always worrying about what has just happened or what will happen. My body can only do what it's doing now, and it's good to connect with myself where I am right now.

And as you connect, do it with kindness and gentleness. This year so far has really been one of easing up on myself, forgiving what went wrong in the past, and learning to deal with addiction, weight, career, etc. with kindness and understanding. We can be so harsh with ourselves. We can feel like we have to be, like we deserve it for where we've been. But that's not true. We only deserve our own care and kindness: that's where a lot of my recent healing has started.

squid

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Re: 24yo Journal
« Reply #174 on: August 28, 2019, 12:12:07 AM »
What's up Rob?