Author Topic: Kraken's journal  (Read 15034 times)

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #475 on: February 06, 2020, 11:06:03 PM »
Did good the rest of the night.  Instead of gaming, I took a bath, read 30 pages of a novel, made a snack and talked with my gf for an hour on the phone.  Way better use of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to do job searching first after breakfast then workout.  Switching the order up, job needs to be first.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 09:26:27 PM by squid »

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #476 on: February 07, 2020, 06:04:30 PM »
Reboot the game day 1:

Ended falling asleep around 2am and woke up at around noon.  I'm happy I slept a lot though because now I am feeling less sick.  Had breakfast and filed for my initial unemployment claim which is something I've been procrastinating for three weeks.  Sent a few messages out to my network watched some youtube and then did my rehab exercises.  Then went on a run with my roommate.  It went very well with much less pain.  The work with the PT is paying off already :).  Now I'm at the gym for a light lifting work out.

I'm noticing that not gaming gives me a ton of time but more importantly, it gives me mental space to make decisions instead of being on autopilot all day.

-squid
« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 09:26:52 PM by squid »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #477 on: February 07, 2020, 08:21:51 PM »
Sounds like a good day 1! Finding more time is awesome, but I think it's even more awesome that you're finding more mental space. I have noticed that I do so many things (playing games, watching videos, playing music) to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Some days, I go to bed feeling my head is stuffed full of nothing. I really do fell better when I give myself some mental space.

So keep it up!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #478 on: February 07, 2020, 09:33:36 PM »
Thanks for your replies as always Blue!  Tonight after dinner I started watching supersize me 2, the documentary and I am really enjoying it.  Also went and got a haircut :)

Even though watching a movie for instance is also entertainment like gaming, it's new material, not the same loop of playing the same game all day long.  Actually I think the biggest difference is that a movie has an end.  Games these days are games as a service, these do not end.  Every week or so the development team changes something or evolves the game to keep you playing instead of trying something else.  They are very easy to get stuck in, and your attention goes into the game.

Since your attention has been taken, tricked, stolen, you don't notice things.  You don't notice gaining 40 pounds, you don't notice you haven't talked to old friends in months, you don't notice the voice inside telling you your calling. 

How can the hero answer the call if he doesn't hear it?
« Last Edit: February 07, 2020, 11:26:37 PM by squid »

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #479 on: February 07, 2020, 09:42:24 PM »
I used to believe it was impossible.

It's not. 

It is worth it. 

Every single hour I treasure, all 5,184 of them. 

Pmo free:
216 days
Or 7 months, 1 day
18,662,400 seconds
311,040 minutes
5184 hours
216 days
30 weeks and 6 days
59.18% of a common year (365 days)

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #480 on: February 08, 2020, 03:59:49 PM »
Reboot the game day 2

Bed around 2:30, had a great night and chatted with my roommate.  Woke up around 10:30, watched some youtube.  Had breakfast with roommate and his dad.  Then went on a 1.5 hour walk and called my dad, mom, sister and uncle.  It was nice catching up with everyone.  Came back and watched the opening game of the overwatch league which I really enjoyed.  Now I am going to do a quick kettlebell workout before getting ready to meet my gf's family for the first time :)

I've been enjoying trying new activities like watching movies, reading, and calling family instead of gaming.  My head feels more clear.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #481 on: February 08, 2020, 06:32:15 PM »
Thats great man! Sounds like an awesome stack of healthy activities

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #482 on: February 08, 2020, 09:03:13 PM »
Yeah, no kidding, it sounds like an awesome day of real life. One of the things that got me to quit social media was just spending a week without it. I had a great week, realized I didn't miss social media at all, and then deleted my accounts shortly after that. I'm not saying that this reboot will lead you to quit games forever, but I do hope you can have more days like this one to reinforce all the good there is in real life that gaming was pulling you away from.

Here's to a great day 3!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #483 on: February 08, 2020, 09:27:21 PM »
Thanks everyone!!  I met my gf's mom and it was really nice.  All of the healthy activities I've done the past few days gave me extra confidence and I was more relaxed :)

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #484 on: February 09, 2020, 07:45:45 PM »
Reboot the game day 3

Thanks for the support everyone, today went well.  I was feeling sick all day and watched a bunch of tv and YouTube but I'm okay with that.  Also saw my gf in the afternoon and had a wonderful time.  Now off to get pizza with my friend.

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #485 on: February 11, 2020, 02:03:58 PM »
Reboot the game day 4:

Couldn't post because reboot nation was down but what a great day.  Found a job I want to apply to and will apply today, did a light workout at the gym and went to my gf's place to keep her company because she got sick too and had to stay home.  I'm 100% happy with her, perfect woman for me :).  Brought her some flowers to cheer her up and it was a beautiful moment.

Also did my Korean lesson.  I did it at my gf's house because I forgot I made it Monday instead of my usual Thursday because of travel this week.  I've never done one where someone else could here and that made me nervous at first but after a few minutes it didn't bother me as much.  I get very shy when speaking Korean so it was good practice in that respect.

Also yesterday was the first day of my online language learning workshop that will last three months.  I'm paired up with a team and there are hundreds of other learners also participating so that's awesome. 

I'm pretty happy with my fitness progress considering my sickness over the past two weeks.  I've still been able to do some tho which is good.  Finally feeling better.  I do want to do more running though.  I have my rehab exercises and have learned a lot from my PT I want to practice and my 10 miler is in under two months :).

Korean I'm pretty happy with my progress too, i just need to keep it up and not let it slip.  I have my college class tonight.

Job searching needs more effort.  I've been procrastinating it and the thought of it make me nervous even though it shouldn't.  I need to improve my attitude in this area from a chore I need to do to:  It's actually an incredible opportunity to have paid time off to find a dream job. 

Haven't done any gaming.  I have been watching professional matches of overwatch a lot and watching a bunch of YouTube and Netflix.  But still, the overall time is a lot less and I'm feeling better.  Gaming makes me feel powerless because I just keep playing and have trouble stopping but watching stuff is different because it has an end.  At the end of each episode or video is an end, and at that end is an opportunity to take a break which I've been able to capitalize on.  Also, I get bored after a few hours and do other things.  Gaming has no breaks and I don't get bored.  So it's been a big improvement.  :)

My gf asked me the other day if I gamed after I got home and of course I told her no because I didn't.  I haven't told anyone about this reboot because I don't want them to act any differently.  It's a personal thing I'm doing for me and it's also an experiment.  It's too early in the process to share.  I'm sure I will eventually but it's too early.

-squid

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #486 on: February 12, 2020, 12:49:24 AM »
Reboot the game day 5

Good day today had a fantastic korean class, and even studied afterwards.  If there's one thing I want to add to my plan it's to start going to bed earlier and waking up earlier.  Like midnight to 9am or something like that.  Instead of waking up after 11am everyday haha.


BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #487 on: February 12, 2020, 08:58:51 PM »
Hey, man, it all sounds pretty good to me. You're making progress all around, and that puts you in a more secure place. When your life is good and you're feeling happy, addiction doesn't have a lot to offer.

Keep it up!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #488 on: February 12, 2020, 11:30:45 PM »
Thanks blue!  Glad to have you back, missed you the other day. 

Reboot the game day 6

Great day.  Drove up to visit family, went on a run, studied about an hour of korean and have two new leads on jobs.  Wooohoo!  The trifecta!

I'm blessed, haven't always felt this good but I knew if I kept putting one foot in front of the other with a vision in mind, I'd move closer to it.  And it worked.

*an exception to reboot the game, tomorrow I'll visit my good friend from childhood and we often play games together to reconnect.  This is for a few hours at his house in person so I'm comfortable okaying this exception.  Afterall, that sort of gaming brings me closer to my friends and is really fun, it's not what was causing my issues.  Granted there may be a chaser but I'll be ready.

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #489 on: February 13, 2020, 08:08:30 PM »
Congrats on a great day!

I could be wrong, but your gaming reboot exception sounds pretty reasonable. There seems like there's a pretty definite difference between being in the same room as your friend and playing a game vs. being alone in your room playing on the internet for hours on end when you could be sleeping or doing something else. It sort of sounds like the difference (sort of) between a real relationship and porn. One is about connection and the other is about self-medicating. So go have fun with your friend and don't feel guilty about it! (But it's good to be aware that you could get hit by a chaser, same as how real-world interactions with women can still be triggering.)

Keep it going!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #490 on: February 16, 2020, 08:09:11 PM »
Had a great visit with friends then an awesome Valentine's day weekend with my gf.  I took her on a winery tour and it was super fun and romantic. 

I'm a little nervous about all the things I have to do this week for job searching but I know once I get some momentum I'll feel better.  Also want to get outside/be more physically active this week and wake up earlier.

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #491 on: February 16, 2020, 08:11:12 PM »
Sounds like an awesome weekend! And I get that feeling of being nervous for the week ahead, but you'll get it once you start.

Sounds like you're moving and thinking in good directions. Just keep it up!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #492 on: February 18, 2020, 06:07:55 PM »
played some games yesterday until late and then woke up layer and played all day until I had to leave for my class.  It's the same habit loop that's been causing problems for years. 

Making dinner now and then am going to my Korean class.  My studying has been going well, running needs more energy and so does job searching.  Mainly though I think I just need a better attitude, I've been feeling sluggish and zoned out the past few days.  And that's not how I want to be.

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #493 on: February 19, 2020, 03:20:10 PM »
Got my own copy of the atomic habit book.  Did the habit scorcard exercise and learned that most of my daily habits are not helping me get where I want to go.  It's good to be aware. 

Today I woke up at 11:30, I tried to wake up at 10:30 but fell back asleep.  Went to lunch with some old co-workers which was very nice.  Kind of made me glad I got laid off, that old company still sucks, worse now than before.

Made a plan and applied to a job and got a phone interview so had to send them my resume.  Now at the gym!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #494 on: February 19, 2020, 09:05:44 PM »
Awesome that you're becoming more aware of your habits. I just sat down yesterday and figured out exactly how much time I'm spending on things during the week to try to figure out where all my time is going because it feels like I never have time to do the things I want to do. Awareness is the first step to making a change. So that's a great thing to do!

And you mentioned that you got stuck playing games in the same habit loop that you have been facing for years. I remember Atomic Habits talks about creating more friction for habits you're trying to break. What can you do to make playing games harder? Maybe it's a little extreme/not possible, but could you delete your games during the week and then reinstall them on the weekends or something? If they're always just as accessible as before, you're giving the old loops plenty of room to stay in control. You know the situation better than I do, but think about the possibilities.

Keep marching!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #495 on: February 21, 2020, 03:51:27 AM »
Thanks for the reply blue!!  You are right about adding friction to unhealthy habits in order to make them less sticky, it's a good idea. 

However, there is something I learned from my week of no gaming and that I've also learned from rebooting pmo.  The binge gaming is not the source of the problem.  The source is my fear in response to my call to adventure.  I am hiding.

If all the games in the world disappeared, I'd switch to Netflix, then to youtube, then to books or something else.  The distraction doesn't deserve all the mental energy I give it.  It's almost 4am right now.  I am awake because I am self sabotaging.  I have a phone interview tomorrow afternoon, by staying up late it will be more difficult to interview and on and on and on.

If I really wanted to find a job, learn Korean and run a marathon, I could get it done in short order.  I need to be honest, I want to hide.  I like the feeling of a big goal and I like achieving them and I have achieved many.  However, I also like being in another world, in knowing that things are safe and comfortable.

Playing games, staying in my house and sleeping all day feels safe and comfortable, it really does.

But it's not.

It's actually the most dangerous thing I could do.

It's killing me, my spirit, my health, and my passion.

The best parts of me are getting rusty and decaying. 

I'm only 25, my days are priceless, and I'm tossing them aside.

The comfort zone and the safety zone have separated.

The comfort zone is hiding.

The safety zone is not hiding. The safety zone is trying things, putting myself out there, being apart of community, leading, and making my best art, every day.  That's safer than molding in a dark room, way safer.




I am going to pour myself into what I want.  I'm a runner, I'm a korean language speaker, I'm a marketing analytics professional.  I'm a friend, I'm an organizer, I'm a leader, I'm an outdoormen.  If I get free time, I'm going hiking.

Shifting into higher gears!
« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 03:53:04 AM by squid »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #496 on: February 21, 2020, 07:28:34 PM »
I think that's a great an insight to recognize that your real motivation is hiding from adventure.

I have been trying in the last couple of weeks to recognize and dismantle my limiting beliefs. It's a process of looking at where my life is not as good as I want it to be and then figuring out what habits are making it that way and then figuring out what beliefs about myself/life are driving those habits. Do you know what kinds of beliefs are holding you back from pursuing your adventures fully? Are you worried that you don't deserve adventure? Maybe that the world isn't safe? Whatever it is, try to figure out what it is you believe, deep down, about these adventures that is holding you back. When you have those beliefs written down and out in the open, then you can work on tearing them down and putting new, empowering beliefs in their place.

There are so many good things ahead for you! Into high gear and away we go!

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #497 on: February 25, 2020, 06:06:36 PM »
Thanks for the reply blue!  Yeah the main stressful thing is during my weekdays where I stay up till 3:30, wake up at noon, have breakfast and play games until late afternoon, do something productive for 20 minutes, have dinner and go back to playing games.  My roommate says he has hardly seen me.

Although this has been my habit since I got laid off and it was my response to stress on highschool, it's not me.  I don't feel like myself, and it's stressing me out.  I have all the opportunity in the world.  I am self sabotaging.  I'm calling it out.

So, I have my class tonight, I did my homework and am going to have a great class, then I am going to plan the rest of my week.  I can do this, I can get daily habits that make me stronger not weaker.

squid

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #498 on: February 26, 2020, 04:08:31 PM »
One thing I'm noticing is that when I'm stressed and feeling bad about my bad habits I'm not very nice to people.  I get irritated more easily and that sucks.  God damn I just want to have a job and not be living so lazy.  It's all up to me and that's stressful. 

When I rebooted from games for one week I mainly watched the game I was rebooting from on youtube haha.  Not really helpful.  I want to try some new habits.

1.  In bed by midnight and awake by 9am.
2. Only game or watch stuff between 8-11pm


wecandoit

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Re: Kraken's journal
« Reply #499 on: February 26, 2020, 04:47:35 PM »
One thing I'm noticing is that when I'm stressed and feeling bad about my bad habits I'm not very nice to people.  I get irritated more easily and that sucks.  God damn I just want to have a job and not be living so lazy.  It's all up to me and that's stressful. 

When I rebooted from games for one week I mainly watched the game I was rebooting from on youtube haha.  Not really helpful.  I want to try some new habits.

1.  In bed by midnight and awake by 9am.
2. Only game or watch stuff between 8-11pm

I am not myself either when I am irritated. This happens when the streak gets longer and I feel like I want to walk around and smash people. I need to watch out for this because this streak is the streak. Fuck this, I've been failing for too long already.