Kraken's journal

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks, squid! You put it really well, even sleeping is work on recovery (how many nights of sleep did I lose to binges?)

I'm grateful you've shared your journey with us! Keep it going!

[squid]

Day 149:
40.8% of 2019 with no pmo


I've been feeling a lot of conviction about two things.  My recent poor work ethic at work and my vast amount of time gaming.  If I could, I would dedicate set areas of time to make progress on my dreams.  I haven't been making any progress on Korean or the blog but my relationship and the fitness have been going well.  Without giving up the gaming I don't think I have enough time or focus to make my plan happen.  If it doesn't work out that's something I can accept.  But if the dream doesn't happen because I am spending all my free time hiding in overwatch to appease my internal resistance.  Well, I'm not okay with that. 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Man congrats on the a solid 2018.

I definitely support your idea of cutting out the video games, man those things are time vampires. Glad you mentioned it, because I have been sacrificing a lot of time to my own time vampires (watching not even so entertaining videos). For me it's like, I can do that stuff for hours and it feels like the time just disappeared, no gratification after, just time gone.

Cutting that stuff can be so gratifying, so much awesome shit out there to do.

[squid]

Man congrats on the a solid 2018.

I definitely support your idea of cutting out the video games, man those things are time vampires. Glad you mentioned it, because I have been sacrificing a lot of time to my own time vampires (watching not even so entertaining videos). For me it's like, I can do that stuff for hours and it feels like the time just disappeared, no gratification after, just time gone.

Cutting that stuff can be so gratifying, so much awesome shit out there to do.

Running to Korea day 1

Time vampires, that's a great name for it.  Yeah it's different when I play with my old friends for a few hours on a weekend after I've gotten what I need to do done.  That's fun.  But when the vampire takes the resources I need to make magic happen and I'm playing alone to zone out, that's scary. 

This weekend was the first one in a while I didn't have plans with other people.  Instead I made a plan to look for jobs and do a volunteer project.  But Friday night I played games and that rolled into Saturday and that into Sunday.  At the end of the weekend I only did like 20 minutes of work on the project and no work on job searching.  And near the end of the weekend I did my old pmo habit of playing for hours and then getting energy from mo'ing.  I didn't pmo, I mo'd thinking about my gf.  But still the habit was too close to old monster when connected to the gaming binges and that scares me.


On the whole I'm doing very well.  But I know starting the process of moving away from the gaming is an important next step.  The gaming binges were always connected to pmo for me but I couldn't leave both at once.  But now that I have pmo on the run, I can turn ba to the gaming. 

I'm am initiating a 90 day reboot of solo gaming and gaming over three hours in one day.  But I'm going to title it differently, I'm going to call it, running to Korea.  Because that time will enable me to train for my marathon and study for going to Korea for Graduate School.

Go chase the dream,

squid

Day

[BlueHeronFan]

I really like the idea of calling it Running to Korea. It's memorable and motivating!

I definitely think you're right to want to cut down on those time vampires, and I think you can really do it.

One other thing to think about is just finding a small amount of time each day to work on a goal. Even without time vampires, it can be hard to fit in the things you want to do because there are so many things you have to do. At least, my goals and dreams are always getting pushed out of the way by the things that I'm required to do regularly.

For me, one of these dreams/hobbies that I have really wanted to do was to write more. I used to write a lot, but life just got busy and I never had time for it anymore. That really got me down since I never had time to do what I wanted to do. But I made a little change and decided that I would take just 5-10 minutes to write every day before I post here. I used to feel like I had to wait until I had lots of time to work on a writing project, but that time never came. Now, I have managed to do a little bit of writing every day for 35 days, maybe not that much each day and not as much as I wish I could do. But, I have managed to write so much more in the last month than I have in the past two years put together.

This is a long way of saying small things add up over time. Don't sweat it if you can't find an hour a day to work on something. Maybe 15 minutes will do the trick, at least while you build the habit. Then you can grow from there.

Keep on running!

[squid]

Running to Korea day 1.

Good day today, work wasn't too bad, got to chat with my roommate, took a bath, and finally sat down and did a ton of work on this volunteer book project.  I need to get this done and then I can focus on studying.  This should be mostly done by Thursday though.  Didn't do any solo gaming besides a few minutes on a mobile game in the bathroom haha.  After work I normally binge overwatch but today I chatted with my roommate who said he only sees me when I take a break from overwatch.  Also I heated up dinner, set up a tablet I bought and did the bath and then worked on the project.  It was great!  Did I run or study Korean?  Nope but I am laying the ground work.  Tomorrow I workout with the gf

Stay free my friends,

-squid

[squid]

I really like the idea of calling it Running to Korea. It's memorable and motivating!

I definitely think you're right to want to cut down on those time vampires, and I think you can really do it.

One other thing to think about is just finding a small amount of time each day to work on a goal. Even without time vampires, it can be hard to fit in the things you want to do because there are so many things you have to do. At least, my goals and dreams are always getting pushed out of the way by the things that I'm required to do regularly.

For me, one of these dreams/hobbies that I have really wanted to do was to write more. I used to write a lot, but life just got busy and I never had time for it anymore. That really got me down since I never had time to do what I wanted to do. But I made a little change and decided that I would take just 5-10 minutes to write every day before I post here. I used to feel like I had to wait until I had lots of time to work on a writing project, but that time never came. Now, I have managed to do a little bit of writing every day for 35 days, maybe not that much each day and not as much as I wish I could do. But, I have managed to write so much more in the last month than I have in the past two years put together.

This is a long way of saying small things add up over time. Don't sweat it if you can't find an hour a day to work on something. Maybe 15 minutes will do the trick, at least while you build the habit. Then you can grow from there.

Keep on running!

Thanks for your thoughts, I think your idea is a good one.  Step by step we'll walk 1,000 miles.

[BlueHeronFan]

Running to Korea day 1.

Good day today, work wasn't too bad, got to chat with my roommate, took a bath, and finally sat down and did a ton of work on this volunteer book project.  I need to get this done and then I can focus on studying.  This should be mostly done by Thursday though.  Didn't do any solo gaming besides a few minutes on a mobile game in the bathroom haha.  After work I normally binge overwatch but today I chatted with my roommate who said he only sees me when I take a break from overwatch.  Also I heated up dinner, set up a tablet I bought and did the bath and then worked on the project.  It was great!  Did I run or study Korean?  Nope but I am laying the ground work.  Tomorrow I workout with the gf

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Hey, even if you didn't quite do everything you wanted to do, this definitely sounds like a better kind of day. Keep laying the groundwork, one consistent step at a time!

[squid]

Hey all, this week got rough.  I had a weird pain and went to the hospital and it took all day to be seen.  They didn't find anything wrong so that was weird.  Then after I played a bunch of solo games and was not very productive over the past two day.  I'm xutting myself some slack because of the circumstances and am starting fresh on the run to korea on Monday.  This weekend I'm hanging out with the gf . 

I got a different size condom and did some light m to try it out and wow it's incredible how I can now get hard without porn or fantasy.  It's worth the effort.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, sorry to hear about your medical trouble. No shame in taking it a little easier, though. That seems like the right thing to do.

Stay strong and keep on going!

[squid]

166 days/
3984 hours/
45.48% of 2019
PMO free  

The relationship is going beautifully.  She is such a lovely person and we have gone on tons of awesome dates together.  Just did our first weekend away today and it was pure bliss. 


I want to talk a moment on the sexual performance side of the reboot because that used to cause a huge amount of stress for me.
The good news is things improve a ton pretty quickly.  I can get hard now with light touch.  PEID happens occasionally but much less, DE happened once and PE is improving.  My errections aren't rock hard all the time but they are getting better and do the job which is the important thing.

 I now have regular successful sex with someone I really really like.  What a profound improvement from where I was five and a half months ago.  There were literally times in the past where I thought I would always be stuck and would never get to experience making love and being in a meaningful relationship.  Don't listen to those thoughts my friends.  Being on the other side is so worth it.  Don't give up hope, you can make it.  You can do it. 

My gaming habit is still going strong and is something I want to work on.  The health scare and other things got in the way as soon as I launched running to korea so I am relaunching!  It is very simple.  With as much professionalism and artistry as I can muster, I am stopping all solo gaming and gaming with friends more than 5 hours a week.  The games I play are all adventure, rpgs, strategy, and full of exploration, teamwork and goal achieving. 

So I need to fill that need with something real.  I replaced pmo with a relationship because what I wanted all along was a relationship but I was too scared and pmo became a shadow relationship.  Never what I wanted.  So when I channeled that energy to something really fulfilling, it helped a ton with cravings.

So I'm running to Korea.  But, unlike all my other attempts to learn Korea, I am not going to do it alone.  I'm building a team.  This weekend I have time set aside to prep, get some notebooks, study and prepare for my lesson on Sunday night. Monday I'll write the first blog post.  I think it should be in korean.  maybe one in English and one in korean


Running to Korea is me
1. learning to communicate in korean
2. blogging my journey and staying connected to a community
3. Training my body to run a marathon in October 2020.


I'm waking up.  The world needs us my friends.  Answer the call.

Stay free

-squid

[squid]

Plan for tonight

I'm feeling very tired because I stayed up late reading journals and getting inspired.  So the first thing tonight is to take a nap.  After that I want to lift and study for 15 minutes.

[quitforeverthenwin2]

WOW! Massive congrats man and really appreciate you sharing that about going from it feeling almost hopeless to having a real relationship and sex with someone you really like! Thats really inspiring for me and I can't wait to get there myself!

I think that is an apt analogy comparing video games replacing something better, in the real world (real teamwork REAL adventure) just like porn replaced something better (real relationship). I think it's great to aim to replace the video games as well. I think porn is a much much bigger problem, so you already got the biggest win working at the moment! But it's very good to use that habit of improvement and keep the momentum going to make your life even better.

Great ideas about video games, ad doing things with teams in the real world.... I think being part of a time is very very powerful and can be tons of fun. Things like sports, studying together whatever real life hobbies. Just a great idea.

Glad to hear the health scare was nothing serious.
Keep going strong man!

[BlueHeronFan]

I'm really happy to hear you're feeling good and moving forward! That's really great!

It can be tough to work on too many things at once. Nothing wrong with your gaming habit still going strong when you were working on so many other things. But now that other things (like your relationship) are stabilizing, I think it's a good idea to turn more attention to it. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

Those look like 3 great, manageable goals for moving forward. Keep being awesome!

[achilles heel]

Awesome news, you already made such a big progress and I'm sure you will reach your remaining long-term goals too! Keep being an inspiration! 

[squid]

Thanks for the support everyone, you are all doing well too and that makes me happy.  Last night normally I'd shut myself in my room and play but I did not.  I went to the gym and afterwards my roommate and two of his friends surprised me and came over and we had a great Friday night at a local place playing board games and drinking beer!  Really fun.  When the old habit is off the table, ot opens up the world to new unexpected possibilities. 

Today I got much needed rest and I'm watching an awesome new show and am going to take a bath then do some yoga.  Plans for today are to go outside on a walk or bike ride and to study for 30 minutes.  Bonus activity is to clean up my apartment!  Have a great weekend!

-squid

[BlueHeronFan]

When the old habit is off the table, ot opens up the world to new unexpected possibilities. 

This is an awesome point. There are the obvious possibilities of just having more time to do different things, but there are also the possibilities that come from having a new way of facing the world. It's awesome that you're making progress and finding time to do new things with friends. We're making good progress, and it's only the beginning. Just imagine what's ahead for us as we keep going.

Keep it up!

[squid]

Hello!

Saturday I got lots of rest and instead of gaming, watched a new Netflix show and then went on a two hour bike ride and hike while listening to an audiobook.  That evening I played for 4-5 hours with my friend back home.

That triggered me to play solo today for a few hours but even so, I got my workout in and had a really fantastic Korean lesson after taking 3 weeks off.

When I study Korean, even if only for 5 minutes a day, it makes my lesson really fun.  If I don't put in the prep, the lessons are very uncomfortable.  I'm trying to change how I think about studying, I want to love doing it.  A real adventure will take place if I get it down.

I used to play an mmorpg game as a kid.  I played a lot.  It required a lot of grinding to get new skills and items.  But I didn't mind at all, it was exciting to do even mundane tasks like mining or woodcutting with the anticipation of what that would allow in the future.  The rules were clear.  I was at level 30 and needed to get to level 40 in order to equip this sword so that I can go out and have fun with my friends in the wild.

Using that same metaphor, currently my mindset for studying looks like this:  I have studied for a while, so I might be a beginner or a beginner intermediate, I don't know.  I don't have a journal or record of when I study, I just do it when I think of it.  If I can learn the language, I can have great experiences abroad and at home by connecting with new people in a new way.  I want to be able to have basic conversations and reach topik level 4 and apply for a scholarship but I also want to see if there are other options.  So I need to study a lot, I think, I don't know how much.


Hmmm obviously with that mindset, studying will require immense effort.

[k-fff]

Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.

[squid]

Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.

Wow that's awesome!  Thanks for the encouragement kf.  Do you have any advice on studying asian languages? 

[squid]

Running to Korea.

Today I did play solo games, for about three hours.  In fact I was only successful in not playing them on Saturday.  I had a wonderful day Saturday and got to do a bike ride and read a book instead of the games.  I did have a good day today though, a small Christmas gift exchange with a friend, a good dinner, a small hike at lunch.  Did not run or study Korean.

This is not easy, it's okay, I've conquered much worse than this. 

Why? 
To understand a new culture
To feel fit again like I was a year ago
To feel daily progress in a goal, what I love about games but in real life
To be awake

Back on the horse.  Focus.  Running to Korea.  I can do it.  Watch me run.

-squid

[BlueHeronFan]

Back at it, you've got it!

Like with recovery, growth in all goals isn't linear. You're still on track if you're trying, adjusting, and improving.

Keep on running!

[k-fff]

Speaking from experience, living in China right now. Knowing the native language is a massive boost. Many people don't bother to learn the native language when coming to Asian countries. The better it is before you get to Korea the better your time in Korea will be initially and your Korean will improve drastically when you do start to live there and it will be a much easier transition.

Wow that's awesome!  Thanks for the encouragement kf.  Do you have any advice on studying asian languages?

If you were learning Chinese, I could give you more pointers. Korean is a bit easier than Chinese. I would develop your pronunciation as much as you can meaning say the word out loud when learning it. Also, learn the context of when a word is used. In Chinese, certain words are used only in certain contexts so learning phrases is the fastest way to learn.

[squid]

48.22% of 2019 pmo free

The previous plan of focusing on not solo gaming and putting more time to running to korea was ineffective.  In fact, it caused me to solo game more than before starting the plan.  So the new plan is less structured and more intention based.  I am going to write about, think about, and talk about what I want, not about what I don't want.  You feel me?

 I intend to run a marathon in October 2020 and pass the topik level 5 korean proficiency test in 2021. And in-between I intend to live my life on purpose according to my values. 

Today I was successful.  Got lots of sleep, came back home from my parents' house, chatted with the girlfriend went shopping, cleaned up, and had a fantastic workout.

Because of poor weather, I haven't been running much the past month.  BUT!  I have been lifting consistently for eight weeks!!!!  I'm really starting to feel stronger.  That's going to help with the running a ton.  My Korean lesson is Tuesday evening and I have off Tuesday so I am going to use that time to study up!

stay free my friends,

-squid

[BlueHeronFan]

48.22% of 2019 pmo free

The previous plan of focusing on not solo gaming and putting more time to running to korea was ineffective.  In fact, it caused me to solo game more than before starting the plan.  So the new plan is less structured and more intention based.  I am going to write about, think about, and talk about what I want, not about what I don't want.  You feel me?

Congrats, man! That's a sweet statistic!

I also definitely get the intention vs structure thing. I think that's a great plan. I'm very good at creating very strict and elaborate structures for myself that end up suffocating the real goal because it becomes a chore. That's the last thing you want to do.

Sounds like a lot of good stuff. Just keep doing what you're doing!