Author Topic: squid's journal  (Read 3934 times)

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #225 on: September 02, 2019, 08:46:15 PM »
Day 58 - 9/2/19: 9:30pm
NG: 2

Great holiday weekend.  Even though I binged all of Saturday on videogames (before I resolved to quit) I turned things in a better direction on Sunday.  I cleaned my entire apartment and went to visit my mom and childhood friend.  It was a great visit and I was active going kyaking, frisbee, and even read a lot of my book.

For the no gaming I am going to define it more.  For now it means no solo gaming, no overwatch, no browsing the news (especially on my phone), the only exception for the gaming is when my best friends from back home want to catch up over a game we play together.  This happens very rarely and is not the source or trigger of my escapism. 

Now I'm back and preparing for an awesome week.  This week O l implement the plan.

Tomorrow:
Record on my fitness pal app
Morning kettlebells
drive car to work
Walk at lunch
twenty minute research session on grad programs on metro ride home
Cardio in the evening
Study Korean 8:30pm-10pm
One blog post
In bed by 10:30

Stay free my friends,

-squid
« Last Edit: September 02, 2019, 08:56:33 PM by squid »

Arthur2

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #226 on: September 03, 2019, 07:06:39 AM »
Quote
. But you see, you form stupid habits that fuck you up. I mean, I used to say "I don't have a problem with alcohol" and maybe I don't but it's become a habit. "Let's drink something." or "Let's call X and Y cause we are having fun when we drink." Discipline is so crucial. What sabotages you? Drinking? Ditch that. Social media? Get rid of it. Youtube? Walk away and never look back. Maybe this will make you feel like you take everything to extreme, like you are a robot or some shit but it's probably how it works best.

I came to realize that life is all about fighting all kinds of addictions. That is to say : it is all about being sober and not yield to easy pleasure.

If you are sober, you will have succes.
If your are a glutton, you will have a low life.

If you are fat or unhealthy, it is probably because you have a food addiction.
If you are anxious and socialy awkward, it is probably porn addiction.
If your are lazy, it is probably a video games addiction.

I oversimplify things here because those side effects of addiction overlap, but the point is that we need to be sober.

And once we start to be, we will find out that we actually love it.

I recently realized an awesome thing, that is obvious, but we don' t necessarily always grasp it in it' s simplicity :

A THING BEING PLEASUREABLE IS NOT A CRITERIA OF IT BEING BENEFICIAL FOR US.

Stay free
« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 07:08:17 AM by Arthur2 »

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #227 on: September 03, 2019, 07:29:55 AM »
Hey Arthur, you're right about pleasurable things not always being good for us.  However, sometimes they are.  I'd caution you against painting the world in black and white.  It's not.  Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they have a food addiction.  They might but probably not.  My goal is not to remove pleasure, my goal is to decide where I'd like to be, to make a plan, become a part of the community, and through habits every day move towards my goals.

Arthur2

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #228 on: September 03, 2019, 03:25:09 PM »
Absolutly.

I am not saying that pleasure is bad. Because pleasure is good in alot of cases.

Don' t get me wrong.

I am saying that pleasure is not acriteria on how good for us a thing is.

Because things that are good for us might not be pleasurable like for example if you have a kid that you have to force them to eat their vegetables. They don' t like it but it is good for them.

Or the other way around, we may like a certain thing, like let s say video games. And i lile playing video games, but i know that they are not good for me.


I am not the guy that says we should avoid all pleasure.

But like you said, we need to figure out where we want to go in life and who we want to be, and then to the things that are necessary for us to do that, and learn how to enjoy them.

I know you enjoy learning korean (is it you who tries to learn it ?). I enjoy exercizing and playing music and reading and go to church.

Bless you.

Arthur2

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #229 on: September 03, 2019, 03:28:54 PM »
Pleasure is a tool that can be used well or not.

Like a two edged sword.

You can use it and harm yourself, or use it and be the most happy and blessed person in the world.

I know people who are very happy, they have a lot of pleasure in their life, but they are not hedonistic.
On the contrary, they enjoy righteous things and are the most happy people i know.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #230 on: September 03, 2019, 05:52:15 PM »
Hey Arthur, you're right about pleasurable things not always being good for us.  However, sometimes they are.  I'd caution you against painting the world in black and white.  It's not.  Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they have a food addiction.  They might but probably not.  My goal is not to remove pleasure, my goal is to decide where I'd like to be, to make a plan, become a part of the community, and through habits every day move towards my goals.

Wise words! When pleasure is the fuel of addiction, it can be easy to want to cut out all pleasure anywhere. But that isn't the point. The point is to rebalance our response to pleasure (like normal, natural attraction a significant other instead of trancelike attraction to an extreme form of porn) and not use it as an escape from reality.

Sounds like you have a solid plan for reclaiming your life. I especially like your thought about when it is okay to play games (to reconnect with friends). That is a good example of taking a healthy approach to pleasurable activities. It's about maintaining human connections and not about escaping life.

Keep it going!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #231 on: September 03, 2019, 09:22:01 PM »
Thanks everyone for the support!

Day 59 - 9/3/19: 10pm
NG 3
Kettlebells went well, I did less than normal since it's been a few weeks.  Took me 40 minutes to get out the door.  I'd do a warm up then go to bathroom then finish and had to go again lol, really loosened me up I guess.

Got to work around 9:40 which I don't like.  It's kind of flexible but I really should be there at 9 at the latest to have time in the evening.  Morning went well, did my afternoon walk and then in the evening O got slammed and really overwhelmed at work.  It's tough sometimes.

Left work, had a nice dinner and rode my bike to the library.  Did my Korean lesson and on the metro home from work researched scholarships and put holds on some books.

Things to improve: 
I'd actually like to study, I never really have, I just put it off all the time. I am going to print my homework and put it in a binder and stay better organized and at 8pm tomorrow go to work on it hard.  I procrastinated at the library and didn't get home until right before my lesson.  It's self sabotage, I need to study to learn the language.  Tomorrow's another day!

Another thing is I'm adding watching YouTube videos of overwatch and overwatch news to the NG counter starting today.  I'm keeping the counter the same since it's only been a few days anyway.  I will use that time and read a book instead.  Or talk to people.

Plan for tomorrow

Kettlebells
Vocab on metro ride to
walk at lunch
research on metro ride back
cardio in the evening
8-9pm actually do my homework for the first time
blog post on here and one for my fitness travel blog

achilles heel

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #232 on: September 04, 2019, 05:41:51 AM »
Congratulations on your latest success and on trying to improve in every aspect, including the video game / YouTube topic. I changed my opinion on the radical approach of change throughout time. Yes, it might be exhausting to put in lots of effort on various topics, but on the other hands the radical approach shows results and brings new energy to keep advancing. You keep having clear goals in life and see steady progress, which is a good sign. Keep going!  :)

sammyboy74

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #233 on: September 04, 2019, 12:06:38 PM »
Hey squid, great job! I really like your goal-oriented approach to life. It's interesting to see differences in what people want out of recovery. For me, the motivation to accomplish things is a big part of it for sure but the main motivator is social in nature. I want to be more consistently happy, have a more stable sense of confidence, more drive to connect with people, and ultimately more meaningful connections in my life.

How has 60 days of no PMO affected you in that sense? Felt more sure of yourself? Happier at all?


squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #234 on: September 04, 2019, 04:36:51 PM »
Hey squid, great job! I really like your goal-oriented approach to life. It's interesting to see differences in what people want out of recovery. For me, the motivation to accomplish things is a big part of it for sure but the main motivator is social in nature. I want to be more consistently happy, have a more stable sense of confidence, more drive to connect with people, and ultimately more meaningful connections in my life.

How has 60 days of no PMO affected you in that sense? Felt more sure of yourself? Happier at all?

Hi Sammy, Yes I am 1000 times happier, confident and more social. Keep in mind I didn't just do no pmo, I took many other steps as well to live more on purpose.

Happier in at least two ways:


1. Time and energy and increased motivation from non pmo activities - Before a lot of my time was used on videogames and pmo in a back and forth cycle.  On workdays but also many weekends.  Last weekend I visited family, the weekend before that I went to the beach with a bunch of friends for a birthday weekend, the week before that I flew to Colorado and backpacked with a great friend for 4 days.  Etc etc.  I could not do those trips without my reboot because of my energy level, time, and lack of motivation.


2. Since my time is more spent on activities I love and I don't have that inner hatred for my secret life, it's much easier to socialize.  I can talk about travel, languages, fitness, sailing, backpacking, hiking, etc with lots of passion because I work on those goals every day.  And you know what?  Other people love those things too and it's a natural fit of becoming more social through shared interests.


I hope that answers your question!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #235 on: September 04, 2019, 05:30:07 PM »
Since my time is more spent on activities I love and I don't have that inner hatred for my secret life, it's much easier to socialize.  I can talk about travel, languages, fitness, sailing, backpacking, hiking, etc with lots of passion because I work on those goals every day.  And you know what?  Other people love those things too and it's a natural fit of becoming more social through shared interests.

Man, this is an awesome way of putting it. I didn't really realize what was changing for me and my attitudes, but I think you described it very well. I'm losing my hatred for my secret life (and getting rid of that secret life). That really does change the way I feel about myself and about other people (and about how I assume other people feel about me).

It's so true. Everything else you're also working on is totally stuff to  be proud of and to connect with other people over. Really cool and inspiring. I'm so used to hiding everything about myself (because I worried I would somehow accidentally out myself as an addict), but you're reminding me that I can be more open and honest about myself and my interests.

Nothing to hide here, and that feels pretty good. Keep it up!

Arthur2

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #236 on: September 04, 2019, 06:19:15 PM »
yeah ! It is pretty cool actually to be clean and have nothing to hide.  8)

I say this is true freedom.

Thank you for pointing that out.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #237 on: September 04, 2019, 09:46:15 PM »
Day 60 - 9/4/19: 11pm

Good discussion guys :)

Today was a good day, I'm too tired to do a formal post but I did my kettlebells, did my walk at lunch, did studying in the metro voth ways, had a record lesson, and had time to watch a few episodes of a new show that's been very fun and I've been meaning to watch.   Work went really well too.

Tomorrow:

Kettlebells
study on metro
walk at lunch
maybe bike to the library or some cardio right after work
Study 8-9pm focusing on my listening exercises
Korean lesson 9-9:30

M invited me to her place on Saturday to sleep with her.  I'm nervous but excited.  The only thing is that her ex still lives at her place until the lease is up but she swore he doesn't care and one of my buddies who knows both of them thinks I'll be fine.  He will be standing by in case I need to crash somewhere.


Stay free my friends,

-squid

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #238 on: September 05, 2019, 10:54:30 PM »
Day 61 - 9/5/19: 11:45pm

Today was very well.  There a few tweaks I want to make to tomorrow's goals though.

No kettlebell, need to sleep more
At work at 9 instead of 9:30
Korean studying on the metro, that's been fun actually not too bad
Walk at lunch, this has been a great blessing to me and very very helpful.


The tweaks are for after work:  I want to do the important things I normally put off first and not wait until later in the evening.

The main things I put off are doing my evening run, homework, creating my lifestyle blog and going to sleep before 11, when I go to sleep later than that then I can't do my morning workout and it throws my day off.

I'm thinking of a new evening routine.  Will continue tomorrow.  It's going to be Friday!

stay free,

-squid

Free-man

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #239 on: September 06, 2019, 03:16:48 PM »
Congrats Squid, 61 it's an amazing number you have achieved!
I like the determination and discipline that you put in your tasks and goals
Cheers!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #240 on: September 06, 2019, 05:43:34 PM »
Thanks free man, it was a needed change.  I'm much happier now.  Sending you good vibes

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #241 on: September 06, 2019, 05:49:25 PM »
I'm thinking of a new evening routine. 

Good stuff! I'm kind of in the same boat. I have been thinking that the evenings are easier to control, so I have been leaving important things to do later in the day. But then I get tired, and I end up spending more time responding to people here than I thought, and so on... Maybe I just need to set a timer and do the best I can with the time I have.

In the last week or so I have actually started setting a timer to keep me moving in the morning. It's kind of a silly thing, but it has helped me to get going quicker and to start the day with better momentum.

Keep it up!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #242 on: September 06, 2019, 09:31:28 PM »
Picture painting 1:

What does it feel like to be 165lbs? 
I feel strong.
 I am able to hike 20 mile days with a weighted pack and do it the next day and the next, for months.
I feel sexy.
I feel responsible.
I feel accomplished.
I feel proud
I feel healthy.
I feel motivated.
I feel loose in my old pants.
I feel great joy on daily exercise.
I feel athletic.


What does it feel like to speak Korean?
I feel smart.
I feel brave.
I feel optimistic.
I feel motivated.
I feel joy at all the new friendships.
I feel inspired at the new opportunities.
I feel connected.
I feel consistent.

I'm going out tonight for a little, have a great Friday everyone!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #243 on: September 07, 2019, 06:01:17 PM »
Have a good time out!

I really like the picture painting idea. I think I'll try something like that sometime.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #244 on: September 07, 2019, 09:43:02 PM »
Day 63 - 9/7/19: 11pm


Met up with m tonight and had my first casual sexual experience.  And third experience ever.  And.. it was not that fantastic. I had trouble getting hard and when I finally did I came super fast.  Hardly even entered.  Frustrating and embarrassing but hey at least I put myself out there and I view it as a step on a longer journey.

Stay free,

-squid
« Last Edit: September 08, 2019, 03:32:02 PM by squid »

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #245 on: September 08, 2019, 07:56:20 PM »
Day 64 - 9/8/19: 9pm

Spent the whole day volunteering helping teach wounded vendors how to sail.  It was awesome.  I'm still bummed about not being able to perform yesterday but I'm trying to focus on being proactive.  It's been a great week and this new week will be even better!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #246 on: September 08, 2019, 08:27:10 PM »
That's right! This week will be even better!

Just keep taking care of yourself and pressing forward, and things will work out!

brandnewself

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #247 on: September 10, 2019, 01:18:31 AM »
Day 64 - 9/8/19: 9pm

Spent the whole day volunteering helping teach wounded vendors how to sail.  It was awesome.  I'm still bummed about not being able to perform yesterday but I'm trying to focus on being proactive.  It's been a great week and this new week will be even better!
Hi Squid I totally understand your feeling about the performance. Last year I had my first sexual encounter with someone from a nightclub. I drank a lot and I couldn't get hard. I remember being really nervous and self-conscious about it although I was very drunk. But you know what, the girl liked it no matter what. The next morning we were just hugging each other in the bed and talked a lot. I could see from the girl's eyes that she was happy about last night. This got me realize that sometimes people just want a companion, sex is probably the least important thing for them. Of course you would prefer the best sex you can get but most of the time it's not the case. Simply hugging and kissing someone could already make someone's day 10 times better. So don't worry about it, even people who don't have porn addictions can't perform well for all kinds of reasons. You can still offer a lot even without sex and the girl should appreciate it. If she doesn't, then it's really her problem but not yours. Anyways, we will also improve ourselves as we continue our reboot. You're doing a good job so please carry it on ;D

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #248 on: September 10, 2019, 08:28:15 AM »
Thanks Brand New, That makes a lot of sense.  Yeah I'm still moving forward!  I got almost 9 hours of sleep today, I think I want to make that a priority for the next few months.  I feel much better.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #249 on: September 10, 2019, 10:21:29 PM »
Day 66 - 9/10/19: 11:15pm

Busy day.  Work was good.  Did my walk at lunch and after work I volunteered at the board of a non profit I'm on and it was really awesome to see the good work that everyone is doing in the community.  Volunteering is super effective against pmo, I encourage you all to get out there and give your efforts to a cause you support in your community.

Instead of tracking the days I haven't gamed - which is not working.  I am going to track the days I do my plan.  Starting tomorrow evening.

Keep up the good work everyone, I love reading your journals.  And to anyone who hasn't made a journal yet or who did but went back to pmo and is feeling shame - post a journal!  We don't bite and we don't judge.  The biggest difference maker in this reboot compared to my other 10,000 is this journal and the community. 

Stay free my friends, your community needs you.

-squid