squid's journal

[Lero]

Yeah, you know I think that's something that everyone has to decide for themselves. I can't separate MO from PMO (one always leads to the other), so it just doesn't work for me

I realized that if I MO, I get a hard chaser effect that wants porn. Vanilla MO is low in comparison to the chemical hell of porn. Sooner or later I guess I would go back to it so I don't want to play with fire. I've had a hard chaser effect yesterday after the MO session. I fought to stay away from another MO or P. I'm actually not a fan of it for a few reasons.

[squid]

I stayed away from the chaser yesterday .  It was tough but I did it.  My body is definitely changing and I am in a new phase of the reboot where I have a libido again.

[Lero]

I stayed away from the chaser yesterday .  It was tough but I did it.  My body is definitely changing and I am in a new phase of the reboot were I have a libido again.

Good job, man. I did that too.

[pichaelthompson]

Congrats! Libido is definitely a good motivator for me when I'm on a streak, regardless of my girl situation. Knowing that it is something I have earned and worked for makes it that much more valuable to me, especially knowing that I can lose it at any time after a relapse. Keep it up!

[squid]

Day 37 - 8/12/19: 11pm

Thanks for the support everyone.  Did well at work today, I haven't been listening to music while working over the past few weeks and it's made a difference in my ability to focus.  On Wednesday I'm leaving for a five day vacation to the mountains of Colorado and I'm super excited. 

I found an old post by Gabe where someone asked him if he considered MO a relapse.  He said no.

 http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1283.msg12398#msg12398.

I agree.  That doesn't mean I'm going to do it often or that I won't be careful.  But I think it was a sign of recovery feeling that strong feeling and being able to get hard super easy just to light touch.  That never would have happened a month ago.  Also I used a condom so I got more familiar with them.  They aren't so scary after all lol.  In many ways, I'm becoming more accepting of the idea of getting in an intimate relationship again.  And knowing I can get hard without p or fantasy and can put on a condom quickly and correctly, it gives me confidence. 

I did my Korean lesson tonight.  It was rough, I really need to practice and find a new plan.  I have one, instead of two 1 hour lessons a week.  I will do 4, 30 min lessons a week and study a little before and after during each of them.  I think that's realistic.

Today I didn't have any urges. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

[Lero]

After my MO session (without porn), for two days I haven't had urges either.

[achilles heel]

Great to see you're heading towards 40 days, MO isn't a relapse, but it might lead to stronger cravings - stay aware and keep advancing! 

[Lero]

Great to see you're heading towards 40 days, MO isn't a relapse, but it might lead to stronger cravings - stay aware and keep advancing! 

Maybe because of my habit to binge on PMO and edging, the chaser effect is real. I MOed on Sunday but I had a crazy chaser effect. I'm staying away from MO too.

[squid]

Day 38 - 8/13/19: 8pm

Today, my friends, I go on the offense.  What do I mean?  I mean, I am going to play to win the game.  I am no longer playing not to lose the game.  I am switching my mindset from a defense state of mind to an offense state of mind. 

In the context of my reboot, a defense approach is clear.  It's an approach focused mainly, solely and absolutely on avoiding pmo.  It's an approach that, like a player in a sport, analyzes the opponent, identifies weaknesses in the defense, and strengthens those weaknesses.  It's a hunker down, bunker down, we will not let them score at any cost approach.  The thing is, with this approach, to use a metaphor, I will never score any points in the game.  Even if my defense is the best in the world - eventually, the opponent will score.  And the defense will weaken and weaken over time.  A defense approach identifies triggers, thinks a lot about personal struggle, and focuses mainly on avoiding pmo.

On the other hand, an offense approach to my reboot looks way different.  The life I want is to lose 30 pounds, learn Korean, find an awesome outdoorsy girlfriend, and create online content and community around exploration, confidence, bravery, travel, immersion in other cultures, sailing, long distance backpacking, goal setting, and so much more.  This new approach means I make a plan, a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily set of goals to get to the dream.  It means my entertainment, my friends, the books I read, my focus - is on activities I value.  It means I become very intentional.  It means I become like a barnyard dog with my teeth on the ball daring anyone to stop me from running it across the goal line.  It means I become more confident, more aggressive.  It means I stop giving my power to other people, placing other people in positions to rule over me.  I refuse - I will rule me.

My values remain, but I am no longer escaping, I am running into the fear, through it, and into the life I want.  The stuff I want.  The job I want.  The body I want.  The woman I want.  I have a voice and a song to sing and I will not die with it still in me.   


I am going pro.

-squid



ps. I will be offline for 7 days while backpacking through the beautiful mountains of Colorado with a girl I am interested in.  I think she likes me too, I will find out.  Once I return, I will be switching to a one day a week posting on here.  This will give me time to create my other blog.  I'll leave you with this video of the famed Philip Zimbardo talking about why boys and men are failing.  It inspired this post along with the book "Turning Pro" by Steven Pressfield.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgAu1i6aChs

[Lero]

Good job, bro! This forum definitely needs more emoticons. A thumbs up I would like.

[Thank you for all that you do for me]

Wishing you nothing but the best on your trip 

[BlueHeronFan]

On the other hand, an offense approach to my reboot looks way different.  The life I want is to lose 30 pounds, learn Korean, find an awesome outdoorsy girlfriend, and create online content and community around exploration, confidence, bravery, travel, immersion in other cultures, sailing, long distance backpacking, goal setting, and so much more.  This new approach means I make a plan, a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily set of goals to get to the dream.  It means my entertainment, my friends, the books I read, my focus - is on activities I value.  It means I become very intentional.  It means I become like a barnyard dog with my teeth on the ball daring anyone to stop me from running it across the goal line.  It means I become more confident, more aggressive.  It means I stop giving my power to other people, placing other people in positions to rule over me.  I refuse - I will rule me.

This is awesome! If all we do is quit PMO, we'll just have empty space in our lives. But if we fill our lives with good habits and activities, there won't even be room for PMO. Going on the offense is a great way to put it, and it sounds like you have some awesome plans!

Especially once you start to get a longer streak going, the defensive mode becomes more automatic and doesn't require as much constant effort. I think going on the offense is exactly the right thing to do to avoid stagnating.

[Lero]

Good things, Squid. Now you can score some points after keeping the addiction's score at 0.

[rob24]

What a great idea! Instead of thinking of it as another day of hanging on, choose instead to thrive and grow! Choose new areas to concentrate on. What a good mentality, and one by which you will succeed in the long run. You have a great mindset, squid. Looking forward to catching up upon your return!

[squid]

Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

[Lero]

Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Awesome, dude! A month and a half! So close to 50 days which sounds wow! 50 freaking days!

[BlueHeronFan]

Day 45 - 8/20/19: 11pm

It's been an awesome week!  I went backpacking in Colorado for 4 days and spent an additional two days visiting some trail friends I haven't seen in a year.  As soon as I stepped on the trail, I was back.  My legs were strong, the elevation wasn't too bad, each step resonated deep in my soul.  I'll share more tomorrow but I'm too tired from all the traveling ahaha. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

That's a great report! Welcome back!

[Lero]

What's up, Squid? How is it going?

[squid]

Day 48 - 8/23/19: 9:30pm

Hey Lero thanks for checking in, it's very timely. 

Back from my backpacking trip and things have gotten a bit bumpy.  Two instances stick out in my memory.  On 8/20, I reinstalled overwatch to play with a few friends of mine and had a great time tome.  So on 8/21 it was still installed and I played it on a work night from 10pm when I told my roommate I was going to bed until 4 am .  But that night I said to myself, okay, how can I get back on track?
I skipped my morning workout and got 4 hours of sleep and made it to work on time and had a good workday.  I've been good about walking at work and running on the evening with my roommate but I've been going asleep too late to swing the kettlebells.

Yesterday, 8/22, I talked to a lot of friends and family on the phone and my friends asked to play overwatch but I declined.  As I was calling people, one friend got back to me when I was already on the phone with someone else so I said I'd play a game of overwatch with him to catch up.  And I did, only one 20 min game and then I got off.  I got to bed at midnight and woke up at 8 so not bad.  I jad a great work day today and the other bumpy thing hot me out of nowhere.

This evening I had a nice dinner and watched some tv with my roommate.  Then I packed up for a trip to the beach and had to leave in 30 mins when I went to the bathroom.  I brought my phone in there.  I'm on my phone all the time these day, not smart.

*trigger warning*



I was in there and then while reading the news, nothing p related, I started to m.  I recognized what was happening so I tossed my phone out of reach.  But then I continued to m and stopped before o a few times but after only a few minutes I mo'd there was no p and no p fantasies.  But my thoughts were out of the norm.

I thought of my ex and my friend with benefits and my thoughts were of a want to connect.  If that makes sense.  They were thoughts of wanting to share myself with a woman again, of wanting to be intimate.  One thought in particular stuck with me.  A thought of having a girlfriend and her wanting me inside and feeling safe around me and being a couple.  I think I'm lonely.  I didn't realize how much so and the mo came out of nowhere and was kind of revealing.

I have been on the offensive.  I did my backpacking trip, spent time with a girl I have a crush on, have been doing better at work, have been doing better in Korean and have been more social.  I don't think I'm over the tipping point yet and I need to get the studying habit and excise habit down more and I haven't started blogging yet but things have been well.  What today showed me is that I'm lonely, I am going to start looking for dates again after this weekend beach trip.

I am also going to resume daily posting on here.  I'll convert to blogging about my travels more gradually, posting on here once a week isn't enough for where I'm at yet.  Missed you guys.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

[squid]

Born to win 1:

Here's the goals:

Speaking Listening and Writing skills in the Korean Language at a lower advanced level (TOPIK level 5) by March 2021

Starting point: Completed beginner korean grammer book with instructor and have learned enough to be an intermediate but haven't incorporated the knowledge and put it onto long term memory or made the brain connections I need yet.


Thru hike the Pacific Crest Trail - April-September 2021

Starting point: Just did a four day backpacking trip at 12,000 feet that went very well.  I am fit enough to do the trip now, the obstacle is saving the $7,000 I need for the trip and having a plan for what to do after it.

Graduate School in international business abroad

Starting Point: Need to research schools and degree programs and find out when I need to apply.

Lose 30 pounds and weigh 165 pounds by March 2020
Starting Point: 195 pounds

Post 90 times to my blog, use it as a playground for my skills in writing, design, digital marketing and film making
Starting point: Bought a website for the blog but haven't posted anything.  Have been posting consistently on reboot nation though.

[achilles heel]

Congratulations on further advancing! Good to see you have clear and ambitious long term goals, all the best for achieving them! 

[BlueHeronFan]

Yeah, those look like great, clearly defined goals, and you're already taking steps on some of them. Carry on!

[squid]

Day 49 - 8/24/19: 9:45pm

Thanks guys

I'm at the beach this weekend with a bunch of friends and my friends family celebrating his birthday.  It's been really awesome.  I'm excited to make some progress on the dream when I get back but I'm enjoying the time to relax and catch up with friends.  I have some great friends .

M wants me to come up next week to sleep with her.  I've never done casual sex and only slept with someone twice so I'm a little nervous but also excited.  M has a lot more experience than me but I'm trying to focus on enjoying the moment and paying attention to her and not worrying about doing a performance. That's p, that's not what sex is actually about.  It's a lie.  I'm nervous about PE and PIED but I have no reason to be, I have so little experience I don't really have anything to base my fears off of.  So trying not to entertain the fear.  Any encouragement would be appreciated


I spent the day on the beach, eating awesome seafood and swimming in the ocean with my good friends .

Stay free my friends,

I believe in you,

-squid

[Arthur2]

I can very much relate to the fact that i want to MO because i am lonely. Like you said it is revealing.

I think that analizing our feelings when we MO is a way to find out the underlining problem behind our addiction.

In my case i feel lonely and i perfectly relate to what you said about wanting to connect with a girl.

The problem is that this MO could lead to PMO, and that it is obviously not solving the issue.

That is why i am not fapping at all.

Good luck dude. Stay strong.

[Arthur2]

(Edit : i struggle to do nofap)