Author Topic: squid's journal  (Read 4890 times)

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #325 on: October 05, 2019, 08:19:55 PM »
This hudge success motivated me and others here. Now keep the goal of 121 days. You can do it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #326 on: October 06, 2019, 09:19:32 PM »
Things have been very challenging the past week.  Every night I've mo'd once.  But beyond that, I've been sick all weekend and binged videogames all weekend as well.  I had a wonderful trip planned but because of me being sick, I had to skip it.  But instead of resting I stayed up until 4 on Friday night and 5am on Saturday night.  It's just crazy.  Once I get started, I get very focused and my mind enters another plan and the hours fly by.

But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I believe that if I focus more on what I want and feed my mind with the right fuel, I can become anything I want and have most anything too.  I've experienced this when I backpacked 2,200 miles consequently and also when I did my reboot.

Let's simplify:

Goal 1, physical: Run the Marine Corps Marathon Oct 2020
This week: (following a popular half marathon novice training program)
Monday Rest
Tuesday 3 mile run
Wednesday 2 mile
Thursday 3 mile
Friday Rest
Saturday 30 minutes of biking on Canal
Sunday 4 mile
*try to get roommate to come and run immediately after work

Goal 2, mental: Reach TOPIK level 5 in korean by Spring 2021 and be accepted into Korean Graduate Program
Monday 8 pages of homework
Tuesday 1 hour lesson
Wednesday homework
Thursday 1 hour lesson
Friday Rest
Saturday write 4 sentence instagram post in korean
Sunday Skype with another korean language learner and soeak for five minutes or more in Korean



Goal 3, career: Job in Marketing Analytics at an Ad Agency starting Feb-April 2020
Monday Do half of resume updating and follow.messages from last week Networking event.
Tuesday Do other half of resume updating
Wednesday Schedule meeting with college career center
Thursday update linkedin
Friday Rest
Saturday Rest
Sunday Rest

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #327 on: October 06, 2019, 11:29:39 PM »
Squid you can reach your all goals. You can do it brother. All the best.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #328 on: October 07, 2019, 08:44:41 PM »
But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I don't want to minimize your feelings of frustration (I feel them with myself all the time), but you can't help getting sick! I know not everything you said is just because you were sick, but sometimes it's really important to slow down and be less productive (rest and recovery are essential). Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto you, but I always get frustrated at having to accomplish less, even if it's for really good reasons (like being sick or having to help someone unexpectedly or something).

But, as long as you're being kind to yourself, I totally support a new set of goals (or a new way of thinking about them). I think doing things like limiting screen time is admirable and smart. And focusing on physical, mental, and career goals is really good too. You've got a good plan, stick with it and keep going.

But also, you mentioned MO, and I don't know for sure how you feel about it, but I know that, for me, it's all part of the same addiction and coping mechanism. Definitely work hard, but don't wear yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself. It's possible that if you're finding yourself stuck in an MO rut it's a sign that something needs your attention and care. Slow down and take care of yourself if you need do, don't just hide it with MO.

Onward and upward!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #329 on: October 07, 2019, 10:19:18 PM »
But at the end of it, I'm never satisfied, it always leaves me irritated and feeling low energy and uncomfortable.  In addition I've been browsing news articles and social media on my phone a ton.  Lots of novelty to be found there. 

I just generally feel like I'm drifting and not getting any younger.  Some of that is do to being sick but also I'm disappointed thst I chose to spend so much time this week on activities that although fun in the short term, in the long term make be feel awful.

It's the gaming binge sessions, the negative culture at work, lack of consistent exercise, unclear goals and progress, phone article reading, and so much screen time - all day at work and most of the night after.

I don't want to minimize your feelings of frustration (I feel them with myself all the time), but you can't help getting sick! I know not everything you said is just because you were sick, but sometimes it's really important to slow down and be less productive (rest and recovery are essential). Maybe I'm just projecting myself onto you, but I always get frustrated at having to accomplish less, even if it's for really good reasons (like being sick or having to help someone unexpectedly or something).

But, as long as you're being kind to yourself, I totally support a new set of goals (or a new way of thinking about them). I think doing things like limiting screen time is admirable and smart. And focusing on physical, mental, and career goals is really good too. You've got a good plan, stick with it and keep going.

But also, you mentioned MO, and I don't know for sure how you feel about it, but I know that, for me, it's all part of the same addiction and coping mechanism. Definitely work hard, but don't wear yourself out or put too much pressure on yourself. It's possible that if you're finding yourself stuck in an MO rut it's a sign that something needs your attention and care. Slow down and take care of yourself if you need do, don't just hide it with MO.

Onward and upward!

Yo blue I agree with you sort of.  It's not the lack of progress in my goals that's frustrating.  It's the living like a degenerate numbing myself in a digital way while my youth and energy gets older by the day.  It's a feeling of frustration because it has happened many time.  However, after my reboot the lows aren't as low.  It's not my goal to mo but I prefer it to pmo for sure.  It's been a challenging week but I am moving forward.

I focus on the goal to have something positive to think about.  But the overarching story is one of self forgiveness, connection, family, future, and love.

I'm not frustrated I got sick or that I relaxed.  Because I didn't relax.  That would have been helpful.  Instead I binged games until the early hours of the morning, that was frustrating.  Gaming and pmo are bot relaxing at all, they are stressful and hyper and numbing.  They are like a fire hydrant, once you take the lid off, it's very difficult to get it back on without getting blow away

Thanks for your posts.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #330 on: October 08, 2019, 06:49:55 PM »
That makes a lot of sense! Sounds like I was mostly projecting my own feelings of frustration on you a little, lol.

Hope you're feeling better all around!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #331 on: October 09, 2019, 10:58:10 PM »
Still swimming along.  Training started Tuesday, done two days of it.  It's been great so far.  Meeting a woman Friday night and a different one Saturday for brunch.  Hopefully one doesn't cancel haha.  Works been okay, I've been taking an online course and doing well but the team environment just sucks and it brothers me.  I don't know what to do really, I'd prefer to try and improve things before leaving but that's not really possible.  People have to want to change.  Although I continue to improve what I can.  I MO'd yesterday, I've been getting hit really hard right before bed, that's a new one. 


Still p and pmo free, which is great and has had a huge positive impact.  Still gaming but no binges since last weekend.  Korean is going very well.  Been a good week so far.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #332 on: October 10, 2019, 05:23:28 PM »
Just keep swimming!

As for the frustrations with people at work, I remember reading a long time ago that people who are recovering from addiction can often get frustrated with the other people in their lives. The reason, I guess, is that we are making huge, fundamental changes to our lives and it seems like everyone else is staying the same. We have realized that we need to be better people, so why does everyone else seem to be so content being pretty lousy? That's not to say your team environment isn't genuinely bad, but I have definitely felt similar frustrations. I don't know what it was that woke us up and made us want to try to live better, and I don't know why it doesn't hit everyone.

Also, being aware of the pattern of getting hit hard right before is an important thing to catch early. On some level, addictions are about habits and routines. If the triggers are happening at a specific time of day, be careful about reinforcing them with behaviors. If our addicted brains get what they want when they want it, it gets progressively harder and harder to say no to them.

Onward and upward!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #333 on: October 10, 2019, 06:52:25 PM »
Just keep swimming!

As for the frustrations with people at work, I remember reading a long time ago that people who are recovering from addiction can often get frustrated with the other people in their lives. The reason, I guess, is that we are making huge, fundamental changes to our lives and it seems like everyone else is staying the same. We have realized that we need to be better people, so why does everyone else seem to be so content being pretty lousy? That's not to say your team environment isn't genuinely bad, but I have definitely felt similar frustrations. I don't know what it was that woke us up and made us want to try to live better, and I don't know why it doesn't hit everyone.

Also, being aware of the pattern of getting hit hard right before is an important thing to catch early. On some level, addictions are about habits and routines. If the triggers are happening at a specific time of day, be careful about reinforcing them with behaviors. If our addicted brains get what they want when they want it, it gets progressively harder and harder to say no to them.

Onward and upward!

Thanks blue, good thoughts.  I'm still swimming!  Say that you posted on enders and robs journals.  It's crazy how people post a ton and then have one slip up or two and then disappear. 


To my fear,

I am moving forward.  I have my teeth sunk in on my dreams and values like a junkyard dog and will not let go.  I'm in this thing through winter, spring, summer, and fall.  I am an iron peg driven into the cold hard ground.  I am so stubborn I actually believe I can learn Korean, get in a top Graduate school abroad, run a marathon and date a beautiful lady who loves the outdoors as much as myself.  I will succeed and in doing so set an example for future generations. 

I hiked across America with 30 pounds on my back for six months straight, living in the mountains in a tent.  You ain't shit.  Every sun creates a shadow.  My art and passion is my sun and you're just a shadow.  Stay behind and fall in line.

-squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #334 on: October 11, 2019, 05:33:00 PM »
Yeah, I'm coming up on being around here for almost a year, and it's been sad to see people come and go. I don't know, thought I'd let them know we're thinking about them still if they decide to come back.

But it's really encouraging that you're still swimming. That's what really counts in all this. Persistence and consistency. No matter how imperfectly we go along, we're only done for when we give up and quit trying. Still swimming is still succeeding.

And that's a great letter to your fear. I wrote a breakup letter to porn a long while ago. I don't really remember what I said, but I remember feeling like it was time to put an end to a bad relationship.

I didn't say "Stay behind and fall in line," though, but I should have. That's an awesome line!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #335 on: October 11, 2019, 06:10:35 PM »
Yeah, I'm coming up on being around here for almost a year, and it's been sad to see people come and go. I don't know, thought I'd let them know we're thinking about them still if they decide to come back.

But it's really encouraging that you're still swimming. That's what really counts in all this. Persistence and consistency. No matter how imperfectly we go along, we're only done for when we give up and quit trying. Still swimming is still succeeding.

And that's a great letter to your fear. I wrote a breakup letter to porn a long while ago. I don't really remember what I said, but I remember feeling like it was time to put an end to a bad relationship.

I didn't say "Stay behind and fall in line," though, but I should have. That's an awesome line!

Yeah I am starting to realize my own fear, internal dialogue, and again, fear, drive my habit of getting lost in other worlds.  This world needs us, don't be scared homie.  I'm on my way to a date :) wish me luck, this one feels promising.

Rebooter2019

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #336 on: October 12, 2019, 05:24:50 PM »
Hey squid,

I want to welcome you, even though you've here for a while now. I've tried a new approach that didn't worked for me in the end so I will be more present here.

I wanted to tell you that it's good to have goal it make what we do a little bit easier like a lighthouse that shows us the way. From the begining of your journal up to this point, you have already improved! It is visible and that you may slip(ie. video game binging) like we all did at some point, but if you keep swimming and push yourself you can be free for sure.

Sport is my favorite activity and it's awesome that you've choosen that as one way to help you getting out of that addiction!

I wish you the best and stay strong :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #337 on: October 12, 2019, 05:49:13 PM »
This world needs us, don't be scared homie. 

Thanks for saying this. It kind of hit me just now in a really good way. The world does need us, and I feel like I have started to see glimmers of how I might be able to make a positive difference. I'll do my best not to be scared if you will!

Oh, and GOOD LUCK on your date! That's awesome that you're getting out there. Go show her what a good guy you are. I hope it's a great time for you both!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #338 on: October 12, 2019, 10:32:12 PM »
Thanks everyone, the date went very well and I'm seeing her again next weekend.  Today I binged overwatch and MO'd twice.  The pattern is starting to come back.  Without the p but still the same loop of gaming then moing then back to binging. 

Whenever I sit down to study for create my brain freaks out so bad until I get number playing games for a while. 

That being said, I did rally and completed my training bike ride for tje day and, did a bit of homework and call my family.  So there were some good moments for sure.  Idk guys I just want to be free.  I have been before, I have been in spurts but making it a lifestyle is challenging. 

Tomorrow I'm volunteering at a boat show so that will be nice :)

Rebooter2019

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #339 on: October 13, 2019, 10:27:58 AM »
You're more than welcome :)

Whenever I sit down to study for create my brain freaks out so bad until I get number playing games for a while. 

One thing that helped me is that I was going to study in a public area. That way I couldn't do anything quickly, so it was giving me plenty of time to stop myself. So unless you have a portable gaming PC you should be good in a library or some place like that! It really helped me, you can try it!

About the sports becoming a lifestyle, I can tell you what helped me to reach that point. I made for myself some short term goals and some long term ones. The goals that I have are hard to get now, to keep me motivated, but hen I started they were easy enough to be reachable. Reachable but still hard to have a real sensation of accomplishment. You can try to put goals that you can reach before you lose motivation to train and try to push that boundary everytime a little bit. Eventually, it will ingrain in you as an habit and it will be your lifestyle!

That's what I did and it really helped me at the begining of my fitness journey.

Best of regards and a nice day to everyone

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #340 on: October 13, 2019, 05:44:15 PM »
That's super awesome that the date went well and that there's another one on the way! Way to go! That's a big win.

It's good that you're recognizing a new pattern setting in. For a long time, I was stuck in a pattern of edging with porn substitutes, and I was convincing myself that I was making progress because I wasn't PMOing. While it was true that I was staying away from straight-up porn, I was not really keeping myself clean from addiction. Realizing that I was just trading one form of addiction for another was a wake-up call for me and helped me to rethink my plans and priorities.

So, the fact that you're noticing a new pattern of binge-gaming and MOing is a good sign that you're paying attention. Definitely don't let this pattern grow deep roots. Rebooter's idea of studying somewhere else is a good one. Maybe you just need to rearrange your study space or move your desk or something so that the same cues and triggers aren't there. You'll be able to find what works for you as you stay committed to freeing yourself from addiction in all its forms.

You've got this!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #341 on: October 13, 2019, 10:10:48 PM »
Thanks guys I hear you.  What I'd like to do is 30 days of no fap and a 90 days full reboot of replacing gaming and mindless internet browsing with dream weaving.  I don't know if I'm strong enough to pull that off.  Let's find out.

Day 0 of replacing gaming and google news with dream weaving:
Deleted the games again and stopped procrastinating getting ready for work.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #342 on: October 14, 2019, 08:29:50 PM »
Sounds like a good goal! Deleting the games sounds like the right call. It can be a tough thing to do (I know I have had second thoughts before about deleting games, but I honestly don't miss them now that time has passed).

Keep on keepin' on!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #343 on: October 14, 2019, 09:24:05 PM »
Day 1 of no fap
Day 1 of no gaming and staying on purpose
Day 100 of no pmo or p

I did read the news on my phone a little but I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater on here.  I've been texting the girl, A, non stop since we went on our first date.  We have plans to see a holloween show this Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it.  Also tomorrow I work from home and I really want to be more focused.  It's my second work from home and the first one went okay but I hope to eventually work from home full time in a few years so I want to build good habits.

Do you all have any work or doing homework at home tips to stay focused all day?

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #344 on: October 15, 2019, 02:03:07 AM »
Make a plan to be topper of class. Make schedule that define every hour of your day. Use every minute for your goal.
This way you be focused and you don't have time to think negatively.
Always keep yourself busy.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #345 on: October 15, 2019, 07:46:14 AM »
Make a plan to be topper of class. Make schedule that define every hour of your day. Use every minute for your goal.
This way you be focused and you don't have time to think negatively.
Always keep yourself busy.

Thanks do, that's a great idea.  Keep focused!

Rebooter2019

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #346 on: October 15, 2019, 11:10:11 AM »
Hey squid, you look you have a good plan to get your life sorted and improves the way you it to be!

I may have a small tip for you something that work for me in the past! I give myself some challenges and think of it as a game! Sounds stupid, but it work! When you start thinking about something you want to accomplish in a game before stopping that's how you end up sinking hours and hours in the game without drinking, eating, peeing, etc... if you keep the same mindset, but switch it from game to work you'll be productive to the extreme!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #347 on: October 15, 2019, 06:27:54 PM »
Sounds like some good stuff, especially the growing connection you have with this girl. I'm excited that you're doing something fun with her this weekend!

As for working from home, I do know one thing that has worked really well for me (but I'm usually not disciplined enough to do it...only during finals when I'm really feeling overwhelmed by work). I think I've heard it called the Pomodoro technique, but it basically means setting a timer for a certain period of work followed by a short break, and then you repeat it until you're done. So, for example, I set a timer for 50 minutes and just work and then take a 15 minute break (to respond to text messages, watch a video, stretch, get a snack, etc.). And I repeat this cycle for as long as I need to (usually with a longer break after the 3rd cycle). When I don't set a timer, I usually just aimlessly switch between "work" tasks and "break" tasks and usually spend more time off task than being productive. But, when I set that timer and know that I have 15 guaranteed minutes of break coming up, it helps me to stay focused for the time that I'm working.

It 100% gets me through finals every semester, and I could probably accomplish really amazing things if I did it during the regular school year, but I always forget to/don't feel as pressured to do it. Either way, I'd recommend it!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #348 on: October 15, 2019, 07:45:11 PM »
Day 2 of no fap
Day 2 of no gaming

Thanks for the ideas everyone.  I did okay working from home but I could have definitely been more productive.  Discovered something troubling.  My boss asked me to find some information in her files so I went in there and discovered a performance plan draft with my name and position on it!  A performance plan is something companies give you to give you a chance to improve before they fire you. 

This was a surprise to me because I think I've been doing a good job and covering for my boss a ton, and that's the thanks I'll get?  :/
So I made a plan, it's two part.  1.  I am going to get out in front of things and really buckle down for the next month or two.  I have been coasting a bit, time to peddle again.  2.  I'm getting the hell out, going to call my college career center and a recruiter tomorrow along with updating my job search documents.  I'm done working that lady.  What an asshole.  But I'm going to do it right and turn it into a better job.


I've been texting that girl a ton, I've only met her once but feel like I've known her a long time.  We are now meeting tomorrow in addition to Saturday :).

Did my first run with the local running club and I went fast.  Felt super good and I look forward to making more friends.  Lots of people my age are in that group. 

Korean I need to study more but without gaming I have time tonight and on the train to get it done.  Called my family today too, theu are very supportive :)

Thanks to your support too fellas.

Stay free my friends,

-your friendly neighborhood marathon running, korean speaking, world traveling squid

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #349 on: October 15, 2019, 07:52:00 PM »
I was reading through a few posts after I wrote mine.  Here's a shout out to all of us who keep moving forward!  You all are awesome. Tremendous progress on these journals on the past few months, we are building some cool momentum!!

And if you haven't posted yet, give it try, we are very welcoming.