Author Topic: squid's journal  (Read 6909 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #275 on: September 19, 2019, 05:18:43 PM »

I care about seeing the leaves fall from the trees.  I care about making a woman smile while thinking about me.  I care about taking care of my body.  I care about work.  I care about professionalism.  I care about art.  I care about the outdoors, the mountains, and the sea.  I care about the feeling of the wind coming over the windward bow in the bay, I care about staying present, I care about learning Korean, I care about sharing positive and helpful messages with the world.  I care about music.  I care about my family.  I care about my friends.  I care about my city and contributing to my community. I care about you.

I will not relent, I continue onwards and upwards.

See you at the top,

-squid

Beautiful thoughts! It really sounds like you've found a groove, and that's awesome. Maintaining a more stable "normal" definitely gets easier with time, and then you end up in a better place to tackle all the rest of life.

Super happy for you and excited to see where you go from here. Keep on trekkin'!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #276 on: September 19, 2019, 10:10:27 PM »
Day 75 - 9/19/19: 11pm

Great day.  Kettlebells went phenomenally well.  Work I crushed and got all caught up using the tips I've learned from the goal setting books.  Crazy, I thought it was impossible to get caught up.  So I started watching some training videos at the end of the day.

Did my walk at lunch and it was awesome.  At the end of work I got to talk to one of our directors for 30 minutes and really learned a lot about the analysis side of the business. It was fascinating.

Did two pages of my Korean homework :) and texted a bunch of friends.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #277 on: September 20, 2019, 07:29:36 PM »
Sounds like a great productive day! I hope you have a great weekend: I definitely think you have earned it!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #278 on: September 22, 2019, 10:42:48 PM »
Day 78 - 9/22/19: 11:30pm

Don't have the time for a detailed post but I'm still truckin!  I had a good weekend but I've started to play overwatch again.  I've really been paying attention to how I feel afterwards.  And it always makes me feel low energy, depressed and generally dissatisfied. 

Stay free,

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #279 on: September 23, 2019, 08:55:32 PM »
Keep on truckin'! That's good news.

I think it's good that you're paying attention to how things make you feel (not just PMO). The fact that Overwatch makes you feel low and depressed is probably a good sign that, even if it's fun, it doesn't really need to be in your life (aside from the times when you play with close friends like you have talked about before).

I know a while ago, I was playing a little game online that I really liked, but I realized that it was giving me a high when I won and that it was ruining my mood when I lost. And I kept coming back to it whenever I was feeling upset or uncomfortable (it was becoming an addictive kind of medicine for me). Once I realized that, I deleted my bookmark to the site and decided not to play anymore. It's funny how these things that can feel so important and fun in the moment become things that you don't even miss when you quit.

Carry on!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #280 on: September 23, 2019, 10:29:10 PM »
Thanks blue, it's a sticky habit for me.  But I do keep coming to the same conclusion that it doesn't belong in my future.  Ahh but it feels so nice to zone out too.  Day 79 went well, busy at work, did studying and a walk.  Been feeling low energy the past few days.  From binging overwatch I suspect.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #281 on: September 24, 2019, 07:05:30 AM »
Up in the morning and going to trying running instead of the bells.  I slept in and this will be faster.  Might try doing the weight training in the evening and running in the morning.  Happy Tuesday everyone!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #282 on: September 24, 2019, 07:04:39 PM »
Zoning out does feel so nice. I know exactly what you mean.

But I think that's what makes this whole recovery process so hard. We have to learn to reject things that feel good. Porn feels good. Masturbation feels good. Zoning out feels good. It doesn't take any effort to give up things that cause us pain, but it takes a lot to learn how to give up things that, even though they are literally destroying our lives, do give us some benefit.

It's really easy to let things stick around because they feel good. But I bet in the long term we won't even miss them once we get rid of them.

Hope it was a good Tuesday. Keep it up!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #283 on: September 24, 2019, 09:53:23 PM »
Day 80 - 9/24/19: 10:30pm

Today I ran in the morning instead of doing the bells and it was really nice.  I'm definitely noticing improved fitness and it makes all the exercising more enjoyable.  At work my boss was being really rude and jerkish.  I try to make the most of things and I like my company but my supervisor is a bully and it's not a great environment.  I feel if I find a more encouraging team that wants me to succeed my career will really take off.  I like working and I work hard, it's just annoying working under shit managers all the time.  When I'm a manager someday, I will be sure to communicate more with my team and work on building a culture of trust, integrity and achievement. 

Did a walk in the afternoon instead of getting into an argument so that was smart.  Went on a run after work, and got pizza with my roommate, that was awesome.  Yesterday and today well before my lesson I got all my homework done.  It felt great!  I had one of the best Korean lessons to date, really starting to make progress.   

To be honest I am not being too hard on myself for gaming.  I've had a few binges in the past few weeks but nothing like before.  And I'm making progress in all my goals: Korean, Doing better at my job, Fitness/weight loss, and blogging (on here).  Also I've been very social and have sone a fair bit of traveling.  I will continue to improve and grow out of the habit and make more friends that aren't gamers.  But if it takes some time, that's fine.  I do believe it's something I am starting to grow out of.  Just tonight I was playing with a friend and I stopped at 10:30 because I knew I wanted to workout in the morning.  And I remember how I cannot do that when I stay up too late, especially on the computer.  And I like my 20 minute workouts in the morning a lot.  Sets my whole day up right.  These are habits that took a long long time to build but now they are starting to gain momentum and I'm experiencing positive results.

 The tortoise continues onwards!

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Free-man

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #284 on: September 25, 2019, 02:35:53 AM »
Congrats Squid!
You're making a great progress and overcome this shit with all the stress in your job. It requires manage anxiety very well.
Very positive results doing exercise and korean…
Keep going man!

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #285 on: September 25, 2019, 03:31:33 AM »
Keep going man you are an inspiration for me .i am at day 8,
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #286 on: September 25, 2019, 07:03:27 AM »
Thanks everyone for the replies, hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #287 on: September 25, 2019, 08:20:44 PM »
Sounds like you're doing pretty well!

The tortoise might not get there very fast, but he's going to get there! Direction is so much more important than speed.

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #288 on: September 25, 2019, 11:15:31 PM »
Sounds like you're doing pretty well!

The tortoise might not get there very fast, but he's going to get there! Direction is so much more important than speed.
yes you are right .
Now i am only looking towards my goal. i am not worried about how many resistance are there.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #289 on: September 26, 2019, 04:55:55 PM »
Day 82 - 9/26/19: 5:30pm

When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Yesterday I was hit by intense urges.  Not really to pmo but more to express but I know that they could have morphed into pmo urges.  I had had a long day at work and played on the computer for 5 hours straight after work.  That's a big trigger for me.  So there I was really tired but restless and kind of shaky with nervous energy.  I went into the bathroom but left my phone outside.  I turned the feeling into a session of play and exploration.  I m'd for about 15 minutes without any fantasy, just focusing on sensation, feeling, and maintaining a strong erection.  And just wow.  At the beginning of the reboot I couldn't really get hard at all.  You'll remember just a few weeks ago I couldn't get it up in front of a woman for the first time.

But yesterday, it was very strong with light touch.  It gives me some peace of mind and more confidence as I get back in tune with my sexuality.  Also I've been doing online dating again messaging a few women.  So yeah turned a potentially dangerous situation into a win.  :)  And the next morning even though I went to bed late I ran 2.3 miles anyway and then had a good day at work today.

After work I need a plan or I'll just play overwatch all night by default.
The plan for tonight:
Groceries
Dinner
Go to bike shop
tidy up a bit as I have company coming on Saturday
korean lesson
no screens after 10pm.

Stay free my friends,

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #290 on: September 26, 2019, 05:33:00 PM »
When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Just awesome. Keep it going!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #291 on: September 26, 2019, 06:38:37 PM »
When I think of the 90 day mark approaching, my eyes start to fill with tears and I'm filled with a sense of awe at how far I have come since day one of this reboot.  My brain feels different, less foggy.  I feel more clear and I am actually making real progress on my major goals everyday.  And that's amazing to me.  So many awesome experiences this summer sailing, backpacking in Colorado, going to three different beaches, camping, going dancing at the clubs.  If I was smashed by pmo all the time I would have missed out on a lot of those experiences.

Just awesome. Keep it going!

Thanks blue for the replies everyday, I look forward to them!  Keep doing great yourself!

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #292 on: September 26, 2019, 10:58:28 PM »
Its great. Keep going.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #293 on: September 26, 2019, 11:17:40 PM »
Thanks do, hope you have an awesome tomorrow :)

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #294 on: September 26, 2019, 11:45:29 PM »
Thanks do, hope you have an awesome tomorrow :)
Thanks.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #295 on: September 27, 2019, 07:10:18 PM »
Thanks blue for the replies everyday, I look forward to them!  Keep doing great yourself!

You're welcome! Especially once your streak gets longer, it can seem like there's less to talk about and maybe things slow down on the forum for you. I know what a difference even the little replies make to me, so I want to make sure I give them to people too, even if things are just going quietly well.

Keep it up!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #296 on: September 28, 2019, 02:52:03 AM »
Mo'd twice today, after playing overwatch and other games on the computer and PlayStation directly after work until 4am.  Let the records show, the gaming enables the pmo and it all makes me feel just terrible.  Now I'm going to be tired tomorrow for my housewarming party.  I'm afraid that this will lead back to pmo.  The second mo was a super super fast o.  Just like I wanted the rush.  Ot reminded me of pmo even though I didn't think the thoughts.

Slippery slope, sliding a bit, but resolved to get back on track.  I just wanted you to know.

-squid

brandnewself

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #297 on: September 28, 2019, 04:23:10 AM »
Hey man just be careful not to bomb your head with too many thoughts. Plus mo without porn is ok, the problem with it is its chaser effect and it might give you a bad psychological cue. As long as you are clear with the bottom line ---- no porn, you will be fine. You will feel different tomorrow.

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #298 on: September 28, 2019, 12:57:54 PM »
Mo'd twice today, after playing overwatch and other games on the computer and PlayStation directly after work until 4am.  Let the records show, the gaming enables the pmo and it all makes me feel just terrible.  Now I'm going to be tired tomorrow for my housewarming party.  I'm afraid that this will lead back to pmo.  The second mo was a super super fast o.  Just like I wanted the rush.  Ot reminded me of pmo even though I didn't think the thoughts.

Slippery slope, sliding a bit, but resolved to get back on track.  I just wanted you to know.

-squid

You know, playing games up to 4 AM should make you feel tired. At least it would do for me. And feeling tired is a trigger for PMO in my case. However, you can't always avoid not being tired but you could definitely work on avoiding to make yourself tired deliberately. Probably you should pay some attention to this gaming habit. Anyway, even like this you didn't PMO, this is great. First of all, it's P that we're trying to leave behind and never watch. Just like the user above me said, MO is not bad in itself but the abuse is. The chaser effect is real and torturous. The potential to slip back to PMO exists. I don't like to trust my self-control blindly and say: "Don't worry, man, I got it", because I will eventually crack. Habits should be formed to facilitate a better chance to stay away from this. An army of people brainstorm everyday ideas about how to keep us hooked on those fucking gadgets. Only this alone makes me sick.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2019, 01:00:16 PM by Lero »

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #299 on: September 28, 2019, 01:35:48 PM »
Day 84 - 9/28/19: 2:30pm
Day's left of gaming break: 30

Thanks guys, I do feel better today.  I got my place all cleaned up and ready for my three friends to come over which will be awesome.  Yeah Lero I was super tired and that didn't help.  In response to what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks I will be taking a 30 day break from gaming.

Stay free my friends,

-squid