Author Topic: squid's journal  (Read 4194 times)

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #25 on: July 13, 2019, 06:08:12 PM »
Day 7 - 7/13/19: 7pm

I turned it around.  Normally after I do a long late night gaming session it leads to a weekend videogame and pmo binge, more likely if my roommate is out of town and I'm alone.  But this morning I got up chatted a bit, had a light breakfast and did my workout. Then my roommate left for the afternoon and I was alone.  I had my protein shake and some carrots and hummus snack and watched 1 episode of my favorite tv show.  Then, I played about an hour of overwatch and it was actually really fun because I stopped after four games instead of going on and on.  I then went for a run and called my family.  All in all I feel great, the exercise is very important for me.  I'm really happy I didn't go down the rabbit hole and instead turned this into a great and relaxing Saturday.  Still haven't done any of the lifestyle blog or korean studying but as I am getting more healthy and stronger, I think next week I'll be able to add a little bit of those habits to each day.


Stay free my friends,

-squid

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #26 on: July 13, 2019, 06:15:56 PM »
Sounds like a better by the end, way to make adjustments and keep going!

I think your observation that playing overwatch for only an hour was actually more fun than doing it for hours and hours. I think there's a lot to learn there about keeping things in balance and within appropriate boundaries. Games are fun when they're a break, but can be a problem when they replace important activities. Really great insight.

Keep it going!

rob24

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #27 on: July 13, 2019, 07:20:21 PM »
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.



Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #28 on: July 13, 2019, 09:41:40 PM »
The one third portion of quitting this addiction is over now. Now go towards 21 days . bro you can do it. Its good to see you at day 7.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #29 on: July 13, 2019, 11:23:07 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement everyone, I played a fair bit today but much less and more spread out than yesterday.  I always feel drained after gaming, I guess it takes a lot of focus.  I am going out tonight for a bit with a friend.  Wish me luck!
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 10:32:28 PM by squid »

Do or die

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #30 on: July 14, 2019, 01:18:55 AM »
Best luck
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #31 on: July 14, 2019, 05:12:10 AM »
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, man, it sucks when you get hooked on doing something pleasurable and then realize you have to stop because it affects you. You have to find other things to do. Normal things. Go to martial arts or whatever. Start running, do calisthenics, go to a chess club or something. In the beginning it will probably feel like shit because I know how I feel when I want to PMO but I do something else instead. It's like: "Fuck, man! I wish I was home edging to P." You might want to say: "Video games and P are not the same." Yes, but I've read that video games affect the brain too. I watched a video on Youtube about video games addicts in South Korea. It's crazy. It's addictive too. But you have to keep pushing through, like walking down a road while the wind blows hard. You have to keep moving your feet. It's not something pleasurable to do but it's the right thing.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 05:13:54 AM by Lero »

restorationjunkie

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #32 on: July 14, 2019, 08:39:01 AM »
Hey man, I am right with you with how much I have enjoyed gaming over the years. I have decided that when doing well in any game gives me a rush. Gotta be dopamine and it has to be slowing things down for us. I am choosing to abstain from gaming as much as I can, if not completely for a few months and take a look at the benefits. I have a feeling this will make a large difference. If you need more things to pull you away from the screen time you could look into rec sport leagues like floor hockey or something that will get you committing your time to something healthier.

Best of luck sir!

rob24

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #33 on: July 14, 2019, 10:59:28 AM »
Ah yes, I've games way more than I care to admit. I have a decent sized let's play channel on YouTube with around 10,000 subscribers, too, but I've forced myself to hate it by making it a job to play games. It's one of those things that brought me here, in fact! I've heard before that if you want to make yourself hate something you enjoy doing, you have to do it for like 72 hours straight. Want to stop eating chocolate cake but love it too much to stop? Eat chocolate cake every meal for a week and see how much you want it then. Not honestly sure about this. I've gone as far as to sell or destroy consoles and computers in the past to get myself off of porn/videogames. Still haven't found any long-term solutions besides good, sustainable practices at understanding the reasons why you quit and your own willpower. Wish I had more concrete solutions here. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, man, it sucks when you get hooked on doing something pleasurable and then realize you have to stop because it affects you. You have to find other things to do. Normal things. Go to martial arts or whatever. Start running, do calisthenics, go to a chess club or something. In the beginning it will probably feel like shit because I know how I feel when I want to PMO but I do something else instead. It's like: "Fuck, man! I wish I was home edging to P." You might want to say: "Video games and P are not the same." Yes, but I've read that video games affect the brain too. I watched a video on Youtube about video games addicts in South Korea. It's crazy. It's addictive too. But you have to keep pushing through, like walking down a road while the wind blows hard. You have to keep moving your feet. It's not something pleasurable to do but it's the right thing.

Oh yeah - obsessed with exercise for much of the rest of the day. Great call there! I have been using an app called Strava to track runs and swims - highly recommend it if you are as much of a data nerd as me, haha! It's nice to have something to track besides your PMO counter that shows your hobbies and interests developing in other areas. Fortunately the gaming thing has quieted down since I played myself sick of them. Just the thought of gaming makes me feel nauseous lately. I used to record 5-6 gaming commentary videos a day to keep up with the demand on YouTube. It's a brutal grind to keep up with, and I'm just glad to have balance back in my life. It definitely put gaming into a new context though, and I'm grateful for the added maturity I can now approach gaming with. I feel like they just don't advance my position much in life playing them these days, you know what I mean?



squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #34 on: July 14, 2019, 03:49:10 PM »
Day 8 - 7/14/19: 5pm

Good discussion guys.  Yeah I've gone back and forth this weekend, done some dream oriented things but also play a ton of overwatch.  I think I do get the dopamine rush from it and I do think I'm using it to hide from my fear of success.  I'm tempted to say that I'm going to add video games to my reboot but I'm afraid of adding on too many new changes at once.  But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Also it should be said, video games and pmo are what I always turn to when things aren't going well or when I'm bored. I become numb and comfortable in a foggy bliss.  If I don't continue to do those two activities, which take up a ton of my free time, will I be able to handle it?  Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 

I haven't had many pmo urges and pmo free is going strong.  My flatline continues.  I'm slightly nervous about when that ends and strong urges return.

-squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #35 on: July 14, 2019, 03:55:07 PM »
Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 

It comes down to how hooked you are on video games. Other activities might make you feel nothing in the beginning but you have to push through. It's just like P. As you stay away from video games and do those other activities, your brain will start enjoying them and losing the craving for video games.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #36 on: July 14, 2019, 06:49:16 PM »
But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 


Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #37 on: July 14, 2019, 10:28:40 PM »
But definitely video games are a precursor to my pmo use, always have been.

Can I stop playing videogames and replace them with activities that I feel good about? 

I think I know the answer but I'm scared.  Video games are a big part of my life right now and have been for a long time.  But I don't think they fit in the future I'm building. 


Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!

Thanks Blue, this has given me a lot to think about. 

Lero

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #38 on: July 15, 2019, 01:32:05 AM »
Maybe you do know the answer, and I get feeling scared of it. If you do see yourself using video games to hide from life (the way you use porn) and you see a connection between gaming and pmo, then it's probably something you should look at carefully and think about setting deliberate limits or cutting it out completely.

And that's scary. Giving up anything that is addictive and that helps you through difficult situations is terrifying. But trading one addiction for another isn't a solution. And that's the point: it can't be about giving up PMO alone. It has to be about healing from addiction, everything that is connected to addictive patterns of thought and behavior have to go. For some guys, that means no more dating apps. For others, it's no more video games or no more drinking or cutting off bad friendships, or whatever it is. I've had to get rid of all my social media accounts because they always led to trouble for me. It took me forever to actually do it because it seemed like I wouldn't be able to live without them. But I also haven't missed them for a day since I quit. They weren't actually making my life any better.

Sending courage and good vibes your way! Keep doing what you're doing and thinking through things with a clear head!

I know how this works. I had to stop watching some TV series that I had not completed yet because they contained triggers. And I had this feeling like: "Fuck, man! I really want to watch that and see what's going!" It looked sad, like I couldn't be a normal human being. But then I remembered what William used to say: Make quitting P your no. 1 priority. I had to do everything to make this happen.

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #39 on: July 15, 2019, 09:15:00 PM »
Day 9 - 7/15/19: 9pm

Today was a great day at work.  I got a lot done and even had a long chat with our director of recruiting. Got a lot of great ideas to help my unemployed friend and to help myself build my career and find better positions.  My boss was out sick, every day they aren't there the day goes much better haha.  Good thing they frequently work
 from home.

Some feelings started returning today.  I'd be in a board meeting and suddenly notice a few of the ladies are kind of attractive.  In my pmo foggy haze I had never noticed before.  I'm way more happy than I was 9 days ago.  I think back to the bike rides I've taken, the workouts, the runs, the going out with friends, the reading, the epson salt baths, this journal and the community of driven focused young men we have here - and it makes me smile.  There is a very powerful feeling that I feel when I am doing what I believe in.  I got it when hiking across the Appalachian Mountains and I had it these past 9 days.  A sense of self sovereignty.  I'm not perfect but it's a huge improvement and I notice it day to day.  My energy is higher, I'm more confident, and I like myself more.  P isn't just a high, it is also very negative and toxic content that does affect the mind in a negative way. 

I've been thinking about the gaming.  In fact, I played after work today for two hours after watching a show over dinner for an hour.  That's most of my after work time, it should be said.  Do I want to take a long break from videogames and dedicate that time to falling in love with other activities that fill my heart with joy?  Absolutely.  But I believe the way I do it is very important.  Because if I take gaming away and leave nothing in it's place, there would be such a large hole where it was, that I risk my foundation falling down. 

So, I ask myself, what do I love enough to trade gaming for?  Well, I love the feeling of pursuing meaningful goals.  I love physical activity, story telling, digital media, content creation, fitness, travel, real connection, relationships, looking for opportunities, helping other look for opportunities, being on a small team, pursuing a common cause, backpacking, hiking, reading, writing, poems, empowering people, being outside, being creative, entrepreneurship,   finding a woman to date and other things too.

After I moved to the new city, I had a few weeks without any pmo or videogames, there was just too much going on and I didn't miss it.  Once things settled down, I wrote down my goals I thought about for months on the trails.  Learn Korean, get fits, and make online content about immersive travel.  I bought a website hosting for a year, bought my Kettlebells, and signed up for private tutoring twice a week.  Everything was there, the stage was set, I had a plan and then and then and then..  I blew it all up.

I didn't do any homework, and never studied, I started pmoing a lot every day, I started to play hours of videogames every night, not getting enough sleep and barely making it to work, I gained weight, I became isolated and stopped reaching out and hanging out with friends.  I eventually got sick and had a cold, runny nose, cough, and depressed feeling for two weeks.  I lived in a tent in the mountains hiking 15-25 miles a day with 30 pounds on my back for six months and never got injured.  I lived in the dirt and never got sick.  After a feel months in a city I was sick for two weeks!? On the trail I was happier and poorer than I'd ever been.  I was following my dream and I couldn't be touched because my mental attitude was so strong. 

My idea was to have my own trail of goals while I did two years on the city saving up and building a career and planning my next moves.  But my internal resistance was so strong, once all the real obstacles were gone, I metaphorically shot myself in the foot over and over.  I'd do enough studying and fitness and blogging to sort of claim that I was following my passion but it was a lie.  It was a story that I wished was true but didn't have the guts to dive into.

So, the path for me is clear.  My pmo use and video game use is resistance to my dream.  It's fear, it's a bully.  My response is be stubborn, to be tough, to act professional.  I am going to learn the korean language, that's my one goal for a year.  Along the way, I am going to live in a way that supports this.  Regular exercise, good food, socializing, and sharing my journey.  These are supportive activities.

So in summary, am I adding videogames to my reboot?  You betcha.  Am I continuing the reboot?  Absolutely.  Is that the area of focus?  Is it my dream to never play overwatch or pmo again?  No, that's not the dream, it doesn't matter enough to warrant that much energy anymore.  It's a bully, it's nasty, yes.  And devious for sure.  But I don't care about it, it needs to get the fuck out of here.  I am learning another god damn language and using that energy to positively affect the rest of my life too.  I want to reach TOPIK level 4 in one year and get a scholarship to study over there.  Because I can, I'm young, and I want to.  I'll have more specific techniques and strategies tomorrow. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

rob24

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #40 on: July 16, 2019, 02:35:45 AM »
Good to hear you're pursuing your goals confidently! Since I started rebuilding my habits and avoiding PMO, I've been logging everything on a spreadsheet that I accomplish each day, ticking boxes for completing habits. Your talk about videogames makes me think of how "gamifying" your life can be really rewarding. At one point in time, I gave myself spending incentives to meet PMO abstinence goals. It could be pretty helpful, or some other type of data tracking/reward system. You can definitely combine these two types of activities productively, I bet!



BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #41 on: July 16, 2019, 05:12:33 PM »
Wow, that's all amazing! The resolve you have now, not how you "blew it all up" for a little while, of course.

You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.

You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.

And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.

Rooting for you all the way!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #42 on: July 16, 2019, 07:20:07 PM »
Day 10 - 7/16/19: 6pm

It felt really good to get that long post off my mind last night.  And I appreciate the support Rob!  I feel a strong passion towards creating something, some kind of art or organization or something.  I do know I have those three goals that I abandoned and fled from like a wolf was chasing me.  I believe that is where I must begin.  I will use the fear that drove me into pmo as a compass.  I will sail towards the fear.  Writing that puts a tingle on my spine.  I blink quickly, wiping away the beginning of a tear.  I'm starting to feel again.  It's getting more noticeable and I'm so happy about that. 

For anyone else going through a flatline who feels like a zombie the first few weeks after quitting pmo - just keep going.  I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years.  I got some new headphones on prime day, just put in one of my favorite songs and just cried.  It sounds so good, life's so beautiful man. I'm tired of hiding.  I was so tired bro.  Addiction is a monster that steals joy to prevent dreams.

I'm excited to get serious about learning a new language, it's going to be a lot of brain changing :).  In other exciting news one of my co workers who is a super talented graphic artist told me to come into work an hour early each day and she'd help me along with graphic design.  I'll have to change when I workout but I'm going to give it a try.  I'm excited to learn some skills that will help with my website I'm making to record my language learning blog.  Step by step I know, but the trend is positive.

Also, a bunch of girls have been reaching out to me.  Idk if it's a coincidence but the text conversations have been easy and fun.  I'm talking to four women right now some are just friends but still it's nice.  Now that I'm have more self love, I have love to give away in conversations and friendships.  And maybe someday a relationship.   

I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations.  I'm nervous about when they come on super strong.  I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part. 

Stay free my friends,

squid
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 10:11:48 PM by squid »

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #43 on: July 16, 2019, 07:30:57 PM »
Wow, that's all amazing! The resolve you have now, not how you "blew it all up" for a little while, of course.

You're exactly right that it isn't enough just to quit: that will leave a big hole for old bad habits to slide right back into. We can't just "stop." We have to replace bad habits with good ones, our old lives with new lives.

You always have got me thinking about how things might be "a resistance to my dream." Even today, there were some things that I wanted to do (like for my "dream") but I just couldn't get started and ended up wasting that time instead. Why would we want to live in resistance to our dream? I don't know, but we do it all the time. Sometimes I think that I'm just not in the right mood to work on my own projects, but that's an attitude that believes I'm not responsible for my mood. That's actually something I want to think more about. For example, I've been meaning to make a plan for the week for months (just never got around to it). I'm more effective when I plan, but I can just never find the "will" to do it. I shouldn't just wait for the will to come. I have to make it come. Really awesome insight.

And way to be for adding video games to your reboot! It can definitely be a difficult thing to realize that our addiction and coping behaviors go beyond just the obvious culprit, but it's an awesome thing to really commit to cutting out all the things that get in our way.

Rooting for you all the way!

I learned about the concept of resistance from Steve Pressfield's War of Art and Seth Godin's the Iccarus Deception.  Those two books changed my life for sure.  I highly recommend. The addict the artist are two sides of the same coin.  Both deal with the void but in their own way. 

And thanks, I'm nervous about commiting to too much at once but I didn't I took my time to think it over.  And I've been laying the ground work for these new habits to replace gaming for months.  But without pmo and gaming I feel raw and vulnerable.  But I am also excited and committed. 

I always look forward to your replies Blue, Rob, Lero, Restoration, Do or die, thank you for all, and everyone else!  It really makes a difference. 

Stay free,

-squid

Lero

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #44 on: July 17, 2019, 02:35:50 AM »
This is great so far, man! Keep going in the same way.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #45 on: July 17, 2019, 06:15:38 PM »
I'm starting to realize that the numbness hasn't just been here since this reboot, it's been there for years. 

I like to be positive on here but I have certainly been feeling more urges and temptations.  I'm nervous about when they come on super strong.  I feel like it's inevitable but I really just want to continue the way this past week has been for the most part. 


Both of these thoughts are important. That first one really resonated with me: I've hit recovery especially hard since the start of the year, and it has also been one of the hardest/worst times of my life emotionally. I've talked about it before on my journal, and there are probably a lot of reasons for why that is. But I have been thinking more lately about how part of it might just be that I'm not self-medicating with PMO right now. Maybe these bad feelings have always been there but I've never let myself feel them until now. Still a drag, but that perspective helps me to see that's all part of the actual process of healing.

It's good to stay positive, but it's also super important to be realistic about what you're experiencing. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're experiencing more urges/temptations. It's a good thing to acknowledge because it makes  you more alert. It might sound even more negative, but I don't think this is: those urges will get stronger, and really hard days will come. Get ready for it. I think that's an important thing to realize because A) I always use to think the goal was not to have urges/feel tempted anymore, but the real goal is learning how to deal with them in healthier ways when they arise, and B) when you know they're coming, you can get ready.

When those urges come, just focus on getting through the day. They might get really strong, and it might feel like they're only getting worse and the only way to make them stop is to PMO. But that's not true. No matter how bad they get, they will eventually let up if you push through. Strong urges are temporary. It has helped me a lot to learn that periods of strong urges/temptation don't last forever. Maybe a couple days, but then they go away for a while.

Keep on going!

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #46 on: July 17, 2019, 06:48:55 PM »
Day 11 - 7/17/19: 7pm

Good day today, kept busy.  I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work.  I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying.  It takes two to communicate after all. 

I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones.  My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance.  I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone.  I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share.  But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.

This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone.  I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day.  So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #47 on: July 17, 2019, 10:10:24 PM »
 Thanks for the thoughts blue, I had an experience like that tonight where I got home from work really tired and didn't do any of my goals but did make a nice dinner and watched my show.  Then and extra episode, then I went to the store and ate a bunch of candy.  Which is unusual for me but after eating a lot and watching two hours worth of the show.  I felt sugar hazed and tv glazed.  My friend asked if I want to go to this cool event in my city, and I was like "I'm tired and am just going to chill".  But then I thought about it and I realized I was making other activities numb me and give me an escape like pmo and video games used to. 

So, I said, "I changed my mind", and then went into the city and really enjoyed the event.  I'm glad I made that choice. 
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 10:12:44 PM by squid »

rob24

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #48 on: July 18, 2019, 05:56:11 PM »
Day 11 - 7/17/19: 7pm

Good day today, kept busy.  I got instruction on InDesign and creating graphics in the morning and got a lot done at work.  I wish my boss was easier to communicate with but I'm trying.  It takes two to communicate after all. 

I've been reading a bunch of journals on here today and last night, a bunch of the spouse ones.  My suspicion was that my pmo use would be very damaging to my partner so I have never gotten in a really close relationship even though I've had the chance.  I hold myself slightly separate so that I don't hurt anyone.  I believe now that I have a lot of love to give and experiences I want to share.  But also, reading those journals of SOs confirms my suspicion that continuing to pmo in secret would cause great harm to a partner. Great harm.

This evening I took it easy, walked to the store, got some candy and watched an episode of my show after making dinner and talking with my friend on the phone.  I haven't done much work on the dream today, I didn't get enough sleep and didn't have a clear plan for the day.  So tonight I'll come up with a plan for tomorrow and go to bed early. 

Stay free my friends,

-squid

Wise words man - this happened to me at 19 with my girlfriend, and it was really damaging. Good on you for finding new reasons for your commitment!



squid

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Re: squid's journal
« Reply #49 on: July 18, 2019, 05:58:09 PM »
Day 12 - 7/18/19: 7pm

I have my Korean lesson tonight and yet again I haven't studied, I didn't work out today either, and I think I have two ear infections and don't have a doctor in this city that I know.  Went to urgent care a few weeks ago and they didn't help.  I've had very low energy today and have been on my phone a lot. 

Still not a bad day.  Got a lot done at work, did my first ever lunch out with a vendor by myself and got through the day.  It was a tough day, the pain in my ears and the low energy and odd mood from pmo withdrawal have mad things challenging.  Also I don't even want to do my lesson.  I didn't study and it gets really uncomfortable when I don't. 

I'm going to keep going forward though, not every day in the beginning will be fantastic.  I'm going to do my lesson, and some chores and my workout tomorrow.

Stay free my friends,

-squid
« Last Edit: July 18, 2019, 06:01:01 PM by squid »