Author Topic: Master Of Puppet  (Read 1093 times)

harpoon

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Master Of Puppet
« on: July 06, 2019, 04:41:25 PM »
Surely they all can't be out to get me? Is there anyone on this fn planet that I can trust? Can anyone help me??

These are just some thoughts I have atm. Porn has engulfed my life and slowly but surely I have hit the pavement face first.

I'm a greedy pig. Let's be honest.

My problem is that I can always make it out for a little while and then one or two glimpses and the flood gates open.

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2019, 05:14:21 PM »
I had a journal on here before and I had some success but moving forward I think it's best to start fresh and go again with this journal.

I've been pretty out of it lately. I can function at life; hold down a job, exercise and enjoy myself but to be honest the highs and lows are extreme.

I feel depersonalised, I look at myself doing things, I feel disconnected, I don't know who I am.

Being so hooked atm my logic is damaged. I remember saying to a friend before that "I would never look at porn again" I believed that at the time. That was after the chaser effect died and I could see the light.

So it's time to pick myself up again and go for it once more.


workinprogressUK

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2019, 03:39:14 AM »
Hey harpoon. Sorry to read that you're feeling so low and isolated. It's bittersweet to see old posters back here; I'm sad that you're not getting the outcome you worked for but the fact that you're here means that you're fighting and trying. I wish you every success.

You probably know this already, but that "damaged logic" you're talking about is absolutely standard - one of those key neuro changes that happen to all addict brains.... "hypofrontality". YBOP says...

"With hypofrontality, frontal cortex gray matter and functioning decrease, reducing impulse control. Now, in the tug-of-war between long-term goals and short-term relief, the urge to watch porn usually wins this battle".


I know myself that I feel unable to make sensible, logical, decisions that are in my best interests, which sounds like what you're suffering now. So I guess strengthening your PFC has got to be part of that long-term, "rewiring" journey you've got to take yourself on, my friend. Every day you can stop listening to the cravings coming from your "chimp" or emotional brain, helps you to weaken the neural pathway leading to P, and strengthen your PFC, so you can make better decisions in the future. Just like using P becomes a vicious circle, not using it should become a virtuous circle. The more you don't use, the easier it will be not to use.

Easy.... right? Yeah.... easy to say  :-[. Not so easy to execute... but you're here and you're trying and you can win if you focus long and hard enough.


harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2019, 03:20:38 PM »
Thank you so much for the reply ;) i always find the first few steps the hardest part of the journey.

   The other day I while driving I had the thought "if I had all those porn actresses at home, I still wouldn't be happy" and i began to analyse this. I'd still be miserable, because It's empty and it's all lies. I guess I have tried to fill a space in my heart with so much fn porn that it nearly killed me. I have binged, maybe 5hrs per night, 30 to 40 hours per week. I have given my soul to porn and eventually I didn't care if I died pmo as long as I got that rush at the end.

However, every so often i catch my breath, take my life back and say let's go again.

Maybe there is more to life.....in fact I know there is.

So all I ask of myself is that I be clean in the morning.




workinprogressUK

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2019, 03:10:41 AM »
Good luck to you. And I hope that you're feeling good about yourself this morning


Maybe there is more to life.....in fact I know there is.


I'm sure there is. When you find out what your own, personal "more" is.... make sure to keep tight hold  :).

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2019, 12:40:23 PM »
So i have three days on the board. It's been very weird, I felt dead, then alive, then amazing, then confident, then anxiety went thru the roof, you get the picture.

It's a start;)

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2019, 03:23:34 PM »
   Last night I ran a local 5k race. I felt great, I set a new pb and dripped 90seconds from my time last year. I had a ball, it was awesome. I only ran this quick because I hadn't pmo in three days.

   I was going to write 'I wish I had never watched porn..' but it's irrelevant, I did, and I've spent a great many years now watching porn and I have nothing for it....well that's not true is it, I have failed relationships and an addiction b e a utiful.

   What's the point of it all?? Instant gratification maybe. I mean there will always be another better scene, always.

   I've realised that I'm not the true version of myself while using porn, I'm very different off of it, even after a few days.

   Anyway, I'm kent brockman and that was my two cents :D

TomWood

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2019, 08:14:50 PM »
Keep going, the brain goes so haywire in the first two weeks. I am on about three weeks and I know it gets easier and I am sure you do to, so keep up the good work.

BigMog

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2019, 02:57:26 AM »
Well done on the pb Harpoon! Yep everything can be better without PMO. Doing real activities like the run bring us into the real world and help us escape the clutches of the addiction. I also find regular exercise and, if possible, social activities help calm my mental ups and downs during withdrawal.
You’re doing well-stick with it!

workinprogressUK

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2019, 03:32:05 AM »
I only ran this quick because I hadn't pmo in three days.

Makes such an improvement to so many facets of your life, doesn't it?
Congrats.

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2020, 03:49:42 PM »
Wow, I thought it may have been a few months since I have posted here, but JULY!! Time has slipped by once again.

Anyway, I relapsed and have been doing my thing....but the last week I have been out of control and u want to get back on the wagon and start working at this again.

My primary reason is to get rid of suicidal thoughts, yes it has gone that far and my addiction is a direct cause because off porn I live myself and can feel great, while on porn I'm the opposite, but that's all been said before.

I know that the way to achieve any success is to fully commit.

I'm exhausted, I can't stop pmo, 5hours/per day, maybe 2houra in the afternoon and 3hours at night. thought about blowing my head off with a gun, I thought about suicide, the only thing that eased the feelings of despair was more porn. I thought I would get fed up with porn, but you can have whatever you want whenever you want, it is crippling.
It's so easily accessible, I have lost the plot with it all.

Ultimately loneliness may drive this addiction, but a part of me is just a greedy pig and that's the part I must let go.

I don't deserve to be in pain, but it's the path I have chosen, regardless of my mental health. I hold my hands up. As "awesome" as porn is, it will destroy your soul, or at least it has mine.

Apologies, I know this is all jibberish but I must vent on my return.

Btw a few weeks ago I had a little run, and woke up one morning g feeling great, after 3 days. Let's do that again.

I hope to be more honest this time and I know I will post everyday as it helps a lot.

Anyway even 1- day clean will be a great start...

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2020, 12:59:06 PM »
The only thing that I truly know is that rebooting works. It does, I've been there.  It's that fact I cling to.

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2020, 04:10:40 PM »
Hmmm 1- day no porn....I pretty much ran one of my best times at a local parkrun after 1- day without porn.

But as I peer through the prison cell bars (from the outside) I can see myself lying on the bed, looking into my phone, oblivious as the world passes by.

1- day, well it's a step away

harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #13 on: February 29, 2020, 10:55:17 AM »
Where to start?

Well....rockbottom is as good a place as any. Here I am. It's hard to believe porn can cause such devastation but it does.

All I can talk about is my own experience with porn. For me, it's heaven and hell. Porn briefly fulfils you before dragging your ass to hell.

Believe me us not that it escalates, the choice is just endless.

I don't know what the point of this post is? Maybe just to vent I guess. I'm just tired of it all. It's exhausting to fight and lose a 1000s times.


harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2020, 11:44:00 AM »
I know I have to quit porn. I'm at the end of the road. There is no more. I followed the rabbit down the hole and all that is there is  emptiness.

What can I say, porn, anything you desire on tap 24/7, it's endless. I've tried justified pmo nearly every night since I was 20 (41 Now.) I've lost girlfriends, friends, jobs, and ultimately in the haze I have lost myself.

Porn you deceptive temptress. You see, a few days without porn and I generally feel pretty good, then the urges come and it seems like such a great idea until UGHH SPLAT I feel like shit HELP.

Anyway lets see.


harpoon

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Re: Master Of Puppet
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2020, 05:49:17 AM »
At night is where I have always been most vulnerable to pmo, well I have one night free :) I'm actually delighted. Onwards.