Author Topic: Justified or not?  (Read 270 times)

Redfire03

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Justified or not?
« on: July 02, 2019, 03:10:23 PM »
Being consumed by porn took a big hit on my marriage.  Our sex life for young 20 years old was not ideal at all. But we had good times we had bad times. Needles to say I never knew porn was the exact issue. She caught me multiple times... but I was typical and went back not knowing it was the culprit for our issues. I was punished for it never was I approached with this is a issue you need help. It was more or less I got yelled at. I think everytime I got caught it tore a part of her apart as well. Idk for sure but I wish I knew what I did now and i would have stopped sooner. I wish i had came across Gary's video sooner. Anyhow this ended our marriage but once I discovered the issue I asked for us to do counseling together but she made her mind up already. She filed for divorce and since then has already had 3 sexual partners that I know of during the process of the divorce.  It has been a year since she filed and we are still going thru the process. I have taken the time to heal myself and focus on my reboot/hardmode.  Over 450 since pmo and I know with Confidence I am done with this trash. I would have never treated my ex they way she treated me.... I would have helped her and done everything possible. But do you think her sleeping around is justifiable? Would viewing porn be considered cheating? Just a lot on my mind and looking for some input. I loved my wife and hate that this has broke us. But a part of me tells me she was never healthy anyhow with the way she has handled things.. we have two kids stuck between the divorce that hurts me a lot and hearing my ex being happy with other men just eats me to the core? But do I really deserve this treatment? Or am I being selfish?

aquarius25

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Re: Justified or not?
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2019, 04:11:46 PM »
I think the questions you are asking are really difficult because the reality is that there is no right answer. First I want to say for a lot of partners they view porn in the same light as having sex with another person, that person happens to be a screen. For myself, I see it as a sexual encounter sought out purposefully without the partners consent or knowledge, to experience sexual gratification from another source than your spouse, sometimes with willing and knowledgeable participants if you add in live streaming to the mix. It is the broken trust and the lie that makes it "cheating", at least for me it is. So to say you would have never treated her that way is probably not viewing through the same lens that she may be seeing and experiencing in the situation. It is important to try to look at a situation from their perspective and to do that you have to set aside your opinions and your perspective. Only then will you be able to understand her hurt and her actions.

Weather her actions are justified or not, it is the way she is choosing to handle her pain. Women handle trauma in different ways. I had a friend who was raped in high school and after that she changed and started seeking out sexual encounters. Years later in therapy she told me that she realized she was doing that because she wanted to relive a sexual experience where she felt like she had control since her first experience she felt helpless and was a victim. I use that as an example to say that each woman handles things differently. Is it healthy? Probably not. Are they just trying to hold it together because they are hurting inside? Probably so. Is it justified? Who knows? Through my own recovery and learning about myself and dealing with my own hurt I have come to realize that hurt people hurt people. I know more than a few times I wanted to go have sex with someone else after finding out about my husbands addiction. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. I wanted to feel attractive and desired by someone because it had been so long since I felt that from him. I honestly didn't know what was healthy and what I needed. I don't say this to excuse anything but more to give deeper understanding. I am so sorry that you are hurting. It grieves me to hear about families suffering and being torn apart by porn. I appreciate you, Redfire, on this forum. I find your posts to be very thought provoking and helpful. I am so sorry you are hurting.

malando

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Re: Justified or not?
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2019, 07:11:43 PM »
That's a great response, A25. Very insightful.

Redfire, I think, like it or not, what your ex is doing now isn't your business. She has drawn a line between the past when you were married and the present, in which she has control over her actions and decisions - which of course does contain her reaction to what happened in your marriage, but who's to say that she should or shouldn't do anything?

She may be playing out some additional sexual issues that precede your relationship with her, but were reawakened by your porn addiction. We can never fully know the full extent of a person's inner emotional landscape. Even though I'm in a happy, functional relationship with my significant other, I'm quite aware that I have emotional damage which I'm choosing to set aside so I can be happy and be in the present. However, I know that if my partner were ever unfaithful to me, my old damage would explode like a powder keg and I wouldn't handle it well at all. It's a certain level of self-knowledge that I have, whilst at the same time recognising that I can't work through that whilst being in a relationship - and if I can remain happy and productive with my partner, there's no real need to unpack it. What I do have to do is make sure I stay clean, present minded with her, and don't play out any subconscious games or dramas with her. To some extent, I think we are all playing this game when we're in relationships. We all come with baggage, and we all try to adapt to the present through what we've been through in the past.

I think it's good that you've reflected a lot on what your porn addiction did to your marriage, but I think you also need to be careful not to obsess over what your ex is doing now. It's probably better to not find out anything about her life anymore. Just focus on your joint responsibilities as parents. I would certainly caution you against being a sounding board or confidant for her current sexual relationships. That will be disastrous to your state of mind and the relationship you need to maintain with her for the good of your kids.  If you are nursing hopes of a reconciliation, don't. If that did happen somehow in the future, that's one thing, but you won't steer it there by thinking about it. But in reality, she is probably done with your relationship, and you probably are too now that you know what's happening with her. Better to call that chapter to a close and try to rebuild your life. Look forward to what you might have in the future.

Redfire03

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Re: Justified or not?
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2019, 10:00:37 PM »
Malando I take your response to heart and I appreciate the honesty from both of you. I have had a hard time letting go and it is really taking a role on me. I do understand what I have done and learned from it. I think that alone is success and I know now what to improve on they next relationship once I decide to have one. I have steared clear of my ex's relationships.. however the man she first slept with constantly remained a secret and honestly I came to expect it and leave it be. We had depositions a few weeks ago and I finally got his name and it didnt bother me. They broke up and she admitted to everything she had been doing. I kept my cool I prepared myself for this... however the next guy hit close to home.  My daughter started her first year of t ball.. and boy did I enjoy her being happy and having fun. I was heavily involved with the team and getting players on the field. My ex tho has been very controlling of the kids and she saw the relationship I was building with the coach so at the deposition I found out that she had invited the coach to our house and had a one night stand with him. This hurt me more than the affair/ 1st guy.... I then made it clear to everyone not to send me any info on her relationships as it was damaging to me to still except it. But we are in the trial phase right now and she is not budging on the custody so my lawyer has been pushing on current relationship status and I had heard of a 3rd guy. So I had to dig for this information for my lawyer. Really upset me and I Expressed this to my lawyer that i didnt like getting this info. But apparently she is subpoenaing the 3 relationship to court I guess to scare my ex into settling. Idk it's a ruff patch to be in and I am emotional ready for it to be over with. I really wish we had done some counseling before we separated and maybe we could have saved our marriage. But she was done.  But with the past year I just focused on me.. and acknowledged my problem and eliminated it and closed that chapter.  I can honestly say I am a better man and happy with the 360 I have done. But I hate that I lost what ment most and that was my family. Thanks for the support

aquarius25

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Re: Justified or not?
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2019, 08:08:52 AM »
Divorce is so hard on everyone. There is no winner but the lawyer. Be sure to squeeze your babies extra tight and tell them you love them. Kids need to know that they have consistent love no matter the relationship the parents have. I am sure you already know and do that because you sound like a good dad but the mom in me just has to say it, lol. I know this situation is probable heartbreaking on so many levels. I think it is amazing that you are not using this stress as a trigger and you are using it as a reminder to change. It is motivation not to repeat the past but to change the future. You have little ones watching and they are witnesses to your transformation. You are an example to them of what it looks like to mess up and keep going, to improve no matter the odds, and to live a better life. That is honorable and your kids see that! Keep it up!

Redfire03

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Re: Justified or not?
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2019, 10:19:58 AM »
Aquarius I do strive to better myself. Especially for my kids... i dont blame them or regret them. My ex has always been the pants of our relationship and a very spiteful person towards others.  I never thought I would see that side. But boy was I wrong, all I did was ask for the kids to be equally in our lives and she immediately down graded me as a parent.. that hit me hard because I'd never do something like that coming from divorce parents as well. I knew the do and donts.. so I showed my interest in the kids only to be told no no no. To the point she said she regretted having kids with me. I have been upset but I would never regret having my kids dispite our outcome. Because we were married then had kids. So there was some meaning behind it at one time in my eyes and no regret just unfortunate the way it ended. I blame about 80% of the separation on myself for the pied. But there were characteristics on her side that played a part. I will own mine tho. But I do use this separation to better myself and it keeps me motivated not to turn back and start over. I love my new found strength. It is amazing.