Author Topic: 27 And Done With Porn  (Read 4051 times)

Lero

  • Guest
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #75 on: July 30, 2019, 05:06:57 AM »
My mindset (and progress) has really taken a turn as I have realized that this whole thing takes time. Even if you're doing everything right, it still takes time for the damaged pathways in the brain to heal. I was living in PMO without any resistance for years, so why would I think a few days or months clean would fix it? At the same time, I have also started to learn that I am not the enemy. You can't punish yourself to recovery.

The truth is that only time heals our addicted brain. Nothing else. Everything we do is actually in the category of "How can I make this time pass better so I could stay away from P effectively until the time comes." Sometimes I find myself thinking: "Man, it will be a fucking long time until my brain leaves me alone." You could combat this with trying to live for today. Like: "Today I want to stay away from P, edging to fantasies, everything." It sounds less scary than thinking you want to stay away for months. It's a mind trick because it still takes a lot of time but you don't interpret it this way.

Quote
And don't overlook the difficulty of not wanting to give up porn because, on some level, it has served you in the past. If you have had access to something that has made you feel good and forget about your problems, why would you want to give that up? It has been hard for me to come to terms with the fact that there might always be a part of me that wants porn. Realizing that its real costs outweigh its real benefits, though, I have started working on figuring out what I really need when I think I need porn. What pain am I trying to escape from, and how can I take care of myself so I don't feel like porn is my only relief?

You know, "What I want when I crave P" could be tricky sometimes because what you actually need might take a lot of time to get. And P messes up with our brain and the ability to tolerate the thought of having to work hard and for a period of time. Let me try to explain a little bit what I mean: If you use P to relieve the stress at the end of the day, or an argument with the boss, a rejection from a girl etc. - This is one thing, but what if you use P because you have been single for years and it's frustrating like hell? And it will probably take a lot of time to find someone. What if you use for a chronic anxiety or depression that will take a lot of time and effort to make better? Some things could not be overcome overnight and you have to work hard on them and for who knows how long. P promises a quick fix for a problem that takes a lot of time to fix. The frustration and thought of hard work to accomplish a relief for your problems could sounds too much in the beginning and that's where P comes around to soothe you. But at the end of the day when you look at it, P doesn't help you with those problems, P is actually another problem, it's an added problem to your problems. However, you brain never sees it this way. It's like: "What? Months to fix my anxiety? Fuck that, give me P." Sometimes it's a fight with "correcting the thoughts".


Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #76 on: July 30, 2019, 11:49:57 PM »
Thank you all so much for your kind messages! I promise to reply tomorrow when I have more time. This morning was spent in the relapse zone, edging. I've just gotta be honest and put it out there.

Your messages are all very insightful and I will ponder them and write a proper response.

I just learnt that my sister-in-law and her husband (my bro in-law) are planning to move here and help us run the music school. Sis-in-law already runs one on the other side of the country, but we want to offer her part ownership and a really good salary. She's been running one of over 400 students for a few years now, and also worked in another school before that. With her experience our business will likely explode, and she'll have all the models in place from her previous school to know how to make it run like a well-oiled machine.

So, good news, and I really felt it. Sometimes it's important to remind myself to enjoy good thoughts that excite me about the future. In none of the future life scenarios I can think up for myself, can I imagine being a porn addict, but it's still sometimes hard to believe I won't be...

Will endeavour to post soon! Thanks again.


BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1077
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #77 on: July 31, 2019, 06:44:20 PM »
That's exciting news for sure! Really glad to hear it!

I know one of my early triggers for relapse is a feeling of hopelessness about the future, sort of feeling stuck or frustrated. Hopefully this good news can give you a boost of optimism to help you out of this period of trouble.

Future you isn't a porn addict! So that means that sometime between now and then, you beat it. But who says that has to be a long time away? Porn has never been a part of the future I imagine for myself, and it has always felt like some part of me that also really isn't me. Let's just keep living toward that porn-free future we know is somewhere inside us!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #78 on: July 31, 2019, 08:00:33 PM »
Good being honest.  Now go out and conquer day 1!  You don't need P. 

Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #79 on: August 01, 2019, 08:59:48 AM »
Don't beat yourself up, man. We've all relapsed, and we know how shitty it feels. But it happens, and it doesn't mean you're a failure, it just means you were neglecting some aspect of your recovery. All that progress, it's not undone. You still have all that experience of living life clean to inform you going forward.

I am proud of you for reaching out *gives a gentle pat on the back*

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #80 on: August 04, 2019, 12:26:41 PM »
How is it going, Adventurer? I hope you're back on track and doing well...

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1077
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #81 on: August 07, 2019, 06:22:59 PM »
How is it going, Adventurer? I hope you're back on track and doing well...

What he said! But even if you aren't doing well, don't let that keep you from the community. We're not here to talk about our successes; we're here to work through our challenges.

Cheers!

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #82 on: August 08, 2019, 10:59:37 AM »
Hey guys! So, it's been a while since I last posted. I appreciate all your messages so much!

I've actually been completely clean for the past 9 days. I have had sex a couple of times and also MO'd a couple of times. MO was completely without the use of any external tool like a phone or laptop. It's definitely something I need to be aware of and kick, because the fantasies it creates are a little disturbing to my mind sometimes, but I'd still rather that than watch P. I appreciate that MO to P fantasy is still bad, and ultimately can lead to full PMO, but I literally haven't touched P or even looked at any swimsuit pics or peeked at anything remotely sexual, so I'm proud of that.

Last weekend Wife and I went to the mountains. It was around 25 degrees C (77 degrees F) the whole time and we camped in the pine forest near a lake and soaked in the nature. We hiked some pretty rough trails and explored some other ones in the truck. I sometimes forget how much nature calms and inspires me. I really feel I need to be out there regularly, especially in this insane desert summer heat. Something about camping and hiking brings me back down to earth. I guess it's the lack of screens and distractions from the Now. We saw an osprey couple fishing from their nest, which was pretty damn cool since I've never seen them before. Ospreys mate for life.  :D

All-in-all, I've been doing quite well. I really haven't been thinking about P much, if I'm honest. Life has just become so busy with this music school, Kung Fu, friends, wife, and exploring, that I just haven't had the time to sit at my computer and mope about  ;D. I want to do a really good job laying the groundwork for the changes that will happen next May with wife's sister moving here. I'm enjoying being a business owner and deep down I know that my hard work will pay off later down the line.

Porn creates the desire for more porn. Does anyone use this mantra? I saw a YouTube vid the other day where a guy said it and it stuck with me, because it's so true. It's really just a case of not seeking out sexual or sexualised material on the internet, because that's always a slippery slope. Even if it's just a picture of an instagram model or someone you used to fancy in school - it's still ultimately using pixels for sexual stimulation.

Since joining this forum, 9 days has usually been my danger-zone. I've usually caved after about that time. But this time I literally have a lot of other shit to do, so I'm not bored.

Things that have helped me so far:

- No computers in the bedroom. My computer lives at the other side of the house, on the table in the office and I don't go in there out of work hours
- P blocker on phone that only Wife has the password to
- Reading
- Nature
- Talking honestly and openly about urges with Wife
- Exercise
- Healthier diet

The healthy diet thing has been a recent addition to my recovery. I'm trying to avoid processed foods and cut out carbs in the evenings, all the while increasing protein and vegetable consumption. Yesterday, I ate really well and actually felt really great and energised. I'd like it to continue, so I will cook more for the in-laws and wife. It's amazing how few carbs you actually need for energy compared to what is normal of the standard American diet. I think many are probably eating around 100% too many carbs!

To be honest, the biggest thing that keeps me away from P is not being on my computer all the time and just keeping busy, not thinking about P. It's hard to obsess about stuff when you've got lots to do. It's difficult for many with the whole screen-time thing, and I often struggle, but I'm slowly taking to compiling a list of the things I need to achieve on the computer, so that I can get them all done in one go, and then I get off the screen once I'm done.

I heard some more really good news yesterday. My parents are willing and able to contribute to our downpayment for our first house as an investment. They're coming next month to the US and we're gonna sit down and talk about it all. This means we could get a much nicer house than what we had expected, and on this side of town, which saves us a big commute!

With P, I'm still taking it one day at a time.

Peace,

- Adventurer





« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 11:03:56 AM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

mranoym31

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 21
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #83 on: August 08, 2019, 11:30:50 AM »
Inspiring reading other peoples feelings and emotions after certain day periods. Thanks and keep it up!
AUGUST 3RD 2019
AUGUST 26TH 2019

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1077
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #84 on: August 08, 2019, 06:35:39 PM »
Good stuff! Glad you're 9 days clean, enjoying nature, and setting yourself up with some good "rules" for recovery!

I think it's good too to be aware that this is your "danger zone." It's interesting to me how patterned relapses can be, usually happening on a cycle. As long as you know about it and pay attention to it, you can plan for it and make sure you're taking care of yourself. No shame in slowing down and accomplishing less when your recovery maintenance requires a little extra attention.

I haven't heard the phrase porn creates the desire for more porn before, but I can definitely see the truth in it. Even for other things. I can think of times when I have had a game or something on my phone that seemed so important: it was fun, I was making progress on it, etc. Playing it made me want to play it. When I realized how much time it was sucking out of my life, I deleted it (reluctantly) but then haven't really missed it. Similar thing with porn, I think. I wanted it more when I was using it more. Earlier on, whenever I was abstaining, I could feel its absence in my life, like something was missing. But I don't really feel that as much now. There are still occasional urges and thoughts, but I don't miss it like I used to.

Excited for your good news, too! That's awesome that you might be closer than you thought at first to a better living arrangement.

Keep up the good work!

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #85 on: August 08, 2019, 11:58:47 PM »
Relapsed today x2. I think you're absolutely right, BlueHeron, how our relapses can be very predictable as well as the urges that catch us off-guard. I should have slowed down and been more aware that this was day 9 but instead, I found myself using the amount of shit I had to get done as an excuse for not coming on the forum or getting off my computer! Not to worry. I'm still happy I made it to Day 9 yet again. Here's to a longer streak next time!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #86 on: August 09, 2019, 10:56:12 AM »
Right attitude to get back on the horse again and get past that 9-day-streak next time. If you learn about your vulnerable moments and possible triggers, you can develop strategies to make it through!

Lero

  • Guest
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #87 on: August 09, 2019, 12:26:32 PM »
Right attitude to get back on the horse again and get past that 9-day-streak next time. If you learn about your vulnerable moments and possible triggers, you can develop strategies to make it through!

That's right, man. I started taking this reboot seriously 2 months ago, when I finally decided to join this place after following it for a few days and liking it a lot. But since then, I've never felt crushed by my failures because I knew I had a plan, I knew I was going toward something and the relapses were just ways for me to figure out what to avoid and implement. I lost a 13 days streak but I was calmer than ever. I said: "I need to be more strict," I started again and it turned out that the last piece of puzzle I needed had been taken care of. The streak just started unfolding from then on. The idea is: We know what we have to do but it might not click today, we might take a while until everything is ready. Feeling super depressed about it won't make it better, it might actually sabotage our mindset for continuing the plan. Feeling down about it it's actually normal. I felt down after my relapses, it was my right to feel down, people feel down sometimes. But going lower than that we reach misery and this is where things get bad.

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #88 on: August 16, 2019, 01:17:35 PM »
That's right, man. I started taking this reboot seriously 2 months ago, when I finally decided to join this place after following it for a few days and liking it a lot. But since then, I've never felt crushed by my failures because I knew I had a plan, I knew I was going toward something and the relapses were just ways for me to figure out what to avoid and implement. I lost a 13 days streak but I was calmer than ever. I said: "I need to be more strict," I started again and it turned out that the last piece of puzzle I needed had been taken care of. The streak just started unfolding from then on. The idea is: We know what we have to do but it might not click today, we might take a while until everything is ready. Feeling super depressed about it won't make it better, it might actually sabotage our mindset for continuing the plan. Feeling down about it it's actually normal. I felt down after my relapses, it was my right to feel down, people feel down sometimes. But going lower than that we reach misery and this is where things get bad.

Absolutely right about misery vs. feeling down. Very rarely will I let myself get to a point of misery, however, the last few days have involved a series of relapses and I have felt a bit hopeless. However, this is not the same as miserable. I had sex with my wife even after all the relapses, so PIED hasn't been an issue as much. However, but still happens from time to time. This thing has got beyond the point of misery now, but that feeling down if left unchecked can and often does lead to more P.

Day is Day 0.

What I'm about to say, I would really love some input on. These are insights that I've had but that I'm still implementing into everyday life. Does anyone else see it this way, beyond mere semantic differences?

I want to talk about my motivation for watching P. What is it I'm really searching for when I'm looking at P?

I think the answer is, I'm searching for freedom. Freedom from my mind and the constant chatter, and freedom from feeling trapped in this weird physical existence. Now, obviously the way to find freedom is not to shackle yourself to a substance/behaviour. This is clearly a misguided attempt at seeking a moment's freedom, and in fact it's the other way around. Freedom is in the moment. When I focus my mind on simply being in this moment, and just allow all the thoughts to come like waves on a calm beach, I see that the thoughts only have as much power as my belief in them, and as much attention I give them. Where I trip up is by telling myself that I don't believe the thoughts, and I use it as an excuse to relapse. However, by saying something like 'I don't really believe my thoughts, therefore it's okay', I am still engaging in a thought. 'I don't really believe my thoughts, therefore it's okay' is a thought! So how can I be free if I still entertain and believe in this type of thought? It's as if the mind has its little sneaky ways of coming back in and feeding a dialogue that it knows I'll give my attention and belief to.

I feel like I really need to start meditating regularly again, because even though I relapsed after meditating today, in the long term it definitely provides clarity.

In Russel Brand's book, 'Recovery: Freedom from our addictions', the former heroin and sex addict says that 'the opposite of addiction is connection'. I'm pondering this at the moment. I'm thinking about all the times I self-sabotage, when connection with other people in real life, or on this forum, or with myself through meditation is a viable and perfectly available option, but instead I choose to sit down at my computer and wank. It's an interesting turn of events that usually just ends in 'fuck it' without much other rationale to it at that stage. I have so many opportunities to connect in my life, for which I am very lucky and grateful, and if I simply choose connection, whether that be through meditation, music, a cuddle with my wife, practising martial arts, meeting friends, or a combination of all of these, it ought to ameliorate the situation. That desperate need for freedom from my mind can only come by letting go of the mind. It can only come by letting go of my beliefs. It can ultimately only come by letting go of 'me', or rather, the 'me' that I believe myself to be. Who am I anyway? If I am just a person then that person comes with all of these beliefs, and these beliefs dictate my reality. But when I meditate, I can see that something is here that is aware of beliefs, thoughts, and the person. In fact, it exists before all concepts about anything. So which one is more real? The concepts that arise within the awareness, or the awareness itself?

- Adventurer
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 01:25:05 PM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

Ender

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 43
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #89 on: August 16, 2019, 02:32:48 PM »
I would like to reply to your post, but there is a lot there so I am going to break it down into pieces and try to answer one question at a time. You mention several times (and I'm paraphrasing here) "why do I go to porn when I have better, more real options in my life?" Here is my answer. If it's okay, I would like to use sex with your wife (you being with her, not me lol) and porn for my two examples. If I'm crossing a line here, let me know and I will edit this post.

Both of these activities, having sex with your spouse and porn, will lead to bliss, both of those activities will bring you into the present moment, the reality of the here and now. Yes, porn can do this. But there is a big difference between the two. Real sex with a loving woman, your wife, is like a gourmet, well-balanced, hand cooked meal. While porn is a crappy, $2 frozen TV dinner containing an indeterminant chunk of meat. Sure, both of those are going to satisfy your hunger, in this metaphor hunger would be the natural desire to be in the present moment. However, the gourmet meal is not only going satisfy the hunger, but it will also nourish you and bring you immense pleasure in doing so. So why then do we reach for the microwave meal? Because it takes two minutes to heat up and even less effort to prepare whereas the gourmet meal takes hours to make, not to mention a great deal of skill. In addition, since porn is a quick and fleeting fix, we become hungry far too soon after we are finished consuming it. And what then? Well, we usually just nuke another, because why not? Thus fueling the cycle of addiction.

So the next time you are "hungry", ask yourself, what do you actually want to eat? Would you like to be satisfied on all levels of being or just have something to chew on that will leave you feeling empty in an hour?
"They wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street; they could see one after another of them being killed--run over, maimed, destroyed--but they continued to play anyhow."

Ender

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 43
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #90 on: August 16, 2019, 03:06:41 PM »
Who am I anyway? If I am just a person then that person comes with all of these beliefs, and these beliefs dictate my reality. But when I meditate, I can see that something is here that is aware of beliefs, thoughts, and the person. In fact, it exists before all concepts about anything. So which one is more real? The concepts that arise within the awareness, or the awareness itself?

- Adventurer

First off, let me start by saying you are onto something huge here. Keep at it. I've been going through many similar thought patterns and cycles of belief vs awareness. Also, I am by no means an expert, I am merely a humble student. But these are my insights so far and would be happy for any feedback, as I am always trying to update my perspective on these matters.


I'll answer the easy question first. Awareness. Awareness creastes the beliefs and is the root of our existence. Consciousness is the essential component of our being and from there, the rest of "us" grows outward, like beliefs and ego. Our minds are built to tell a story, starting when we were born and ending just before the present moment. Our minds are deisnged to constantly check this story for "useful" information. I was in this situation yesterday and this was the result. With this information, our mind builds models and beliefs around our universe. This ability to organzie the past into useful information regarding the future is what allowed the human species to outperform all other species and become the dominant animal of this planet. But if these beliefs are just constructs, then what exactly are we?


There are many different paths and teachings regarding consciousness and what we actually are. In my opinion, I find it's best to let others find those paths on their own. Since my path may not work for you and yours may not work for me, I see no point in debating who is right or wrong. In fact, so many religions have ruined a beautiful spritual experience by fighting over this very fact. But I digress. I would highly recommend continuing your meditation practices. These have been extremely beneficial for me in every part of my life, but in particular getting to the root causes of my addictions. I would like to share a personal experience that you may be experiencing, based on your post, but I could also just be projecting onto you. If it's the latter, you can tell me to stuff it lol


One of my biggest hurdles when it comes to meditation is that I had a meditation fantasy. Because of inaccurate portrayals in media, I thought meditation was this big, fancy mystical thing. I thought I needed to seclude myself in the mountains and forego all pleasures to achieve a state of meditation. I read of yogis and gurus who achieved enlightenment after decades of doing just that. However, that's not the only path to enlightenment. Sure, that may get you there. But I'm starting to realize that many of us don't need to go to such extremes to get to that state of consciousness. I can treat every day like a Buddhist temple, far removed in th Himlayans, by simply being aware of my surrounding and not mentally gripping onto everything so hard. I don't need to live under a vow of silence for months if I simply oberve my words and where they come from each and every day.

The other unrealistic fantasy I had about meditation is that my mind would go blank. Like, I would sit in silence, breathe for a few minutes, and experience no thoughts ever again. That's not how meditation works. For me, the goal of meditating is to become the observer of my thoughts. I loved your metaphor of thoughts crashing against the beach. I will be stealing that imagery during my next meditation session (and there is nothing you can do to stop me lol). Thinking that I can instantly clear my mind of all thought as a beginner is like me walking into a gym for the first time and thinking I can deadlift 600 lbs. Not going to happen. In fact, that will only injure me. Meditation is exactly like training muscles, it takes time and more importantly, you need rest in between. So be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey. Don't worry about the desitination, you'll get there before you know it.


I hope these comments help a little with your situation. And I know how easy it is to get down on yourself after relapsing. But you have a very positive attitude about it. I can tell you aren't letting this relapse keep you down and you immediately got back up swinging. That's the sign of a warrior. Keep at it. And I really wish I didn't just use this quote in my own journal, but I'm going to post it here a second time since you deserve the encouragement.


The difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man has failed more often than the fool has tried.


 
"They wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street; they could see one after another of them being killed--run over, maimed, destroyed--but they continued to play anyhow."

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1077
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #91 on: August 16, 2019, 06:29:53 PM »
I want to talk about my motivation for watching P. What is it I'm really searching for when I'm looking at P?

I think the answer is, I'm searching for freedom. Freedom from my mind and the constant chatter, and freedom from feeling trapped in this weird physical existence. Now, obviously the way to find freedom is not to shackle yourself to a substance/behaviour. This is clearly a misguided attempt at seeking a moment's freedom, and in fact it's the other way around. Freedom is in the moment. When I focus my mind on simply being in this moment, and just allow all the thoughts to come like waves on a calm beach, I see that the thoughts only have as much power as my belief in them, and as much attention I give them. Where I trip up is by telling myself that I don't believe the thoughts, and I use it as an excuse to relapse. However, by saying something like 'I don't really believe my thoughts, therefore it's okay', I am still engaging in a thought. 'I don't really believe my thoughts, therefore it's okay' is a thought! So how can I be free if I still entertain and believe in this type of thought? It's as if the mind has its little sneaky ways of coming back in and feeding a dialogue that it knows I'll give my attention and belief to.

I definitely know this feeling. Most of my relapses have been preceded by feeling stuck or frustrated in life. Whenever I started to go dreamy-eyed for porn, part of the reason was because I felt free. Free from my rules, free from the disappointments of life, free from the constraints of pants even (sounds a little silly, but it was a very real thought for me sometimes). Clearly, that was no freedom, but I believed it for a long time.

I also think my relapses happened most often when I found myself thinking things like, "Wow, I don't even want porn anymore. I must be okay now." Sometimes I think I let those pornographic thoughts stick around just to show myself how uninterested in them I was. Letting them stick around for any amount of time, though, was my downfall. I have learned that I just can't afford to let those thoughts get any of my attention. When they come, I have to put my attention somewhere else so that they can't grow out of control.

I just finished listening to an audiobook/series of lecture called The Addictive Brain. At the end, the lecturer talks about behavioral addictions (gambling, porn, video games), and he says that anyone facing these addictions needs 3 things as a foundation for recovery:

1. They have to want to quit (nobody else's opinion matters if you don't want to stop yourself)
2. They have to understand why they turn to their addiction (what is the underlying pain you are trying to escape, what need(s) is currently unmet?)
3. They need a community of support

I think you're right on that connection is the opposite of addiction. I have heard that line before, and I think it is probably pretty true. PMO addiction isolates us and forces us to hide from people and from ourselves.

Always good to see your posts. Day 0 is a day full of the promise of a fresh start. We'll kick this habit together!

Matias

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #92 on: August 16, 2019, 08:28:21 PM »
Quote
In Russel Brand's book, 'Recovery: Freedom from our addictions', the former heroin and sex addict says that 'the opposite of addiction is connection'. I'm pondering this at the moment. I'm thinking about all the times I self-sabotage, when connection with other people in real life, or on this forum, or with myself through meditation is a viable and perfectly available option, but instead I choose to sit down at my computer and wank. It's an interesting turn of events that usually just ends in 'fuck it' without much other rationale to it at that stage. I have so many opportunities to connect in my life, for which I am very lucky and grateful, and if I simply choose connection, whether that be through meditation, music, a cuddle with my wife, practising martial arts, meeting friends, or a combination of all of these, it ought to ameliorate the situation. That desperate need for freedom from my mind can only come by letting go of the mind. It can only come by letting go of my beliefs. It can ultimately only come by letting go of 'me', or rather, the 'me' that I believe myself to be. Who am I anyway? If I am just a person then that person comes with all of these beliefs, and these beliefs dictate my reality. But when I meditate, I can see that something is here that is aware of beliefs, thoughts, and the person. In fact, it exists before all concepts about anything. So which one is more real? The concepts that arise within the awareness, or the awareness itself?

Hi Adventurer, your reflection about addiction from a spiritual point of view is really interesting, it may be that that connection you are talking about points to a decrease (sometimes temporary) of this contracted energy that is recognized as the person or ego, then it is when the tendencies and temptations can lose strength and the mental knots feel less tense, therefore, it is possible that a feeling of greater intimacy with the world or what surrounds you may arise ... as a complement, I have read some sometimes an excerpt about a lecture by Rupert Spira (hopefully you know him) that talks about addiction, he says that addiction is a virulant version of the search for happiness that has become chronic and destructive, which is perpetuated by the feeling / belief that we are a separate entity .. to put it simple and under my experience, the search for happiness is an aspect of this contracted energy that we "experienced" (I can't find it for now a more precise term) and makes us perceive a separation reality and experience suffering. For now it is what I can contribute, I hope it serves you,

Regards :-)
M

PD: Sorry if you don´t understand very well, I have translated it by Google Translate because I don´t handle the language very well hahaha
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 08:39:27 PM by masesfi »

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #93 on: August 20, 2019, 12:48:12 PM »
Wow, guys, there are some really insightful comments on here! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my journal and to write such detailed, supportive, messages! I would reply to each one individually, but I don't have the time right now, sadly.

It is Day 2 today. I'm feeling good. There was a little burst of relapsing that happened the last few days. On Sunday I got drunk and high with some friends and it led to me coming home and just thinking 'fuck it'. Luckily, I think the momentum for that has now gone.

There are so many insights in your messages that I think I will keep re-reading them when things get tough. It's really wonderful to be part of such a supportive community, and also to find so many of you who are on the path to enlightenment also! I'd say there is definitely a silent spiritual revolution happening. So many more people are interested in spirituality than ever before, even people I meet in my daily life. I just have to make sure to practise what I preach! :)

Thanks again!
- Adventurer

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1077
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #94 on: August 20, 2019, 06:39:10 PM »
I just have to make sure to practise what I preach! :)

That's the trick, isn't it, lol?

You know, when I first started getting into yoga, one of the things that really kept me coming back was the idea of the "practice." I didn't have to be perfect from day one. I don't even have to be really amazing at it by a certain date. I just have to show up every day and practice, putting in some time and trying to get better (or not better, depending on the day).

I think it's the same sort of thing with recovery. We just have keep showing up and practicing the kind of life we want to live. Over time, we'll get better at it, even (maybe especially) if there are bumps along the way.

Keep chugging along!

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #95 on: August 21, 2019, 01:04:22 AM »
Thanks @BlueHeron!

I just relapsed. I am lying in bed with a laptop. My absolute kryptonite. Managed to convince myself to do it, even though it's basically a green card for relapse. Oh well. Chugging along! :)

Lero

  • Guest
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #96 on: August 21, 2019, 03:36:14 AM »
You know, when I first started getting into yoga, one of the things that really kept me coming back was the idea of the "practice." I didn't have to be perfect from day one. I don't even have to be really amazing at it by a certain date. I just have to show up every day and practice, putting in some time and trying to get better (or not better, depending on the day).

I think it's the same sort of thing with recovery. We just have keep showing up and practicing the kind of life we want to live. Over time, we'll get better at it, even (maybe especially) if there are bumps along the way.

Fucking great way to put it. I like it.

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #97 on: August 21, 2019, 11:26:05 AM »
Relapsed again this morning.

You know, I think I discovered something.

So, I used to suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. Now, the anxiety is still often present (perhaps as a result of P), but the depression is more or less totally gone (apart from when I feel down after PMO, but that's different). I feel down as a result of PMO now but you know what I realised? Due to my painful history with mental illness, I think I have a kind of tolerance for misery. Stuff that other people would find totally unbearable, like, the most painful shit ever, I can tolerate because it's not as bad as stuff that happened to me when I was younger. I wonder if this could be a contributing factor in my denial of the fact that P does me no good, because I'm always able to still feel better than I did in the height of my depression?

Just a thought.

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #98 on: August 21, 2019, 01:25:46 PM »
Might be true because often it's the fact that we feel like hitting rock bottom that drives us towards change. If it's not "that bad" after all, this absolute desire to get out of the abyss might not be there. But the fact you felt the need to register and write about your addiction shows it's really serious to you anyway. I hope you find the key to a successful start of reboot again, you have a community that supports you during every step!  :)

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 223
    • View Profile
Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #99 on: August 21, 2019, 05:25:55 PM »
Relapsed again.

Achilles, you're right. I mean, it's still shit, but it could be and has been worse, so my brain uses that as an excuse. The reason I'm on this forum is because I want to kick it, I really do. I just don't know how to get that resolve back that I had a few years ago, the last time I went on a massive streak.

Back then, my motivation was obvious. I had extreme PIED and had never had enjoyable sex. I had always had ED or DE issues. It was depressing and demeaning. I didn't know the cause until I found YBOP and found out about rebooting. The resolve I had was truly immense. Nothing was gonna stop me beating P and having enjoyable sex.

Now, ED only affects me like 25% of the time, and only when I've watched P within the past 2 days. I'm married, and have a generally happy life. Sex with my wife is usually great although within the last couple of weeks, I think PIED has been affecting me more than before. When I'm watching P, I feel I'm able to be more balanced in my head than when I don't, but after a relapse and for about a day after, I feel low energy and often down for a few hours.

How can I motivate myself to really quit this for good? I know that completely stopping is the only way. Everything else is just a half measure. I do really want to quit I'm just not sure how to get that deep motivation to do so like I had last time.