Author Topic: 27 And Done With Porn  (Read 2786 times)

Non-Dual Adventurer

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27 And Done With Porn
« on: June 26, 2019, 12:50:39 PM »
Hi guys,

I'll try and keep this short.
I'm here for support because I have nobody in my life who can relate and help. I communicate openly with my wife about it, but there's not a lot she can really do to help as she can't relate directly to my situation. The last time I wrote a journal it was on another recovery website and I was able to be clean from PMO for 100 days in monk mode, and then another 6 months in a sexual relationship having orgasms during sex. That was 5 years ago. Since then I have been PMO'ing an average of around 3 times a week. Now I'm really done with it and I need help.

Let me start with my story of how I started watching porn.

I was 13 when my parents first got broadband that was fast enough to load porn. I would flick through the internet videos which were at the time, only like 10 second clips. For the first two years, I just watched occasionally and got hard. It was exciting and it was an escape from the intense depression and anxiety I had felt since the age of 8. It was an escape from my suicidal thoughts and from my sense of isolation and self-hatred. It was an escape from myself. When I was 15, I PMO'd for the first time. It was an insane high - I felt like I was on cloud 9. It was also the first time I had ever MO'd. Shortly after I was doing it every single day. I didn't know it was bad for my sexual health - everyone at school would talk about porn and wanking all the time, so I thought it was a normal, natural thing to do. But I soon noticed that when I was with a girl, I wouldn't feel that urge to get with her nearly as strongly as I remembered from before I PMO'd. When I was with a girl, I couldn't get it up. I had a girlfriend for like a year when I was 16, I was a dick to her and cheated on her. We had sex but it was terrible. I thought there was something profoundly wrong with me. Porn may have taken the edge off my depression but I still wanted to kill myself. I had constant brain-fog, and was totally unable to concentrate at school. When I wasn't having brain fog, I was having anxiety attacks or intense bouts of depression. It was a difficult childhood, and my teenage years were even harder.

When I was 18, I went to university to study Music (somehow I still got into one of the top universities in my country!). First year involved me hearing about everyone else having sex and enjoying it, and it just being a normal thing. However, I was unable. My noodle would usually just stay limp, or get a slight chub, but I was far from excited, and I didn't know why. That's when I found yourbrainonporn.com. It opened my eyes to so many things, and I immediately started a journal on a recovery forum. It was an amazing feeling to know why it was that I was so fucked up. After a few hiccups at the beginning, I managed 100 days PMO free, in total 'monk mode'. It was at the end of that that I found my ex, who was 11 1/2 years older than me, with a lot of experience. It was a beautiful, if short-lived relationship, that lasted 6 months. During that 6 months, I didn't watch porn at all, but I did have successful sex regularly that always ended in orgasm.
Then, I moved countries to live and work as a musician. I missed her but it was right that we broke up. It wouldn't have been able to last - it was a fast-burning, mutually beneficial relationship. I loved her, though. I still do, in a way. Maybe I always will, in a way.

I spoke to my family about my porn addiction, and they were supportive like any family would be. I told me friends. They all told me I was brave. I also went very public at this point about my porn use and recovery, in the hope that it would help others. I never thought it would come back, but it did.

Shortly after moving, I started watching porn again.

It started off as 'oh, just this once', and quickly became a regular thing. It wasn't as every day as it once had been, but it was regular. Then I met a girl 5 years younger than me, and we entered into a relationship. I was 22. The sex was amazing (and not illegal as in most European countries the age of consent is younger!). I was with her for a year and 9 months and hated almost every moment. She was a mean, spoilt little princess who treated me like shit. I watched porn throughout the entirety of the relationship. After I finally dumped her, I continued to watch porn, but I kind of 'made my peace' with it.

I started meditating when I was in uni (age 18-22), and that turned me from being an outright atheist to being spiritual. Through meditation, I have had numerous transcendental experiences. I know from these that it is possible for a human being to reach higher states of consciousness, and permanently transcend this dream-like existence, that is created in our minds through identification with objects. However, I have continued to watch porn for the past 5 years.

I met my (now) wife on 31st December 2017. To this day I am amazed as to how we met. I was holding a New Year's Eve party at my flat in Germany, and she was a friend of a friend. My friend was late to the party (turns out he liked her and was trying to get with her), and Bianca and I hit it off instantly. I am now married to a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman, two years younger than me, and she is without a doubt the love of my life. I love her with every fibre of my being and I am so grateful. I now live in Arizona with her, and I'm going through the immigration process. It's a long process and I have a lot of time to myself by my computer. I am not officially allowed to work but Bianca and I are building a music school, which I am spending a lot of time working on but not (officially) getting paid for it. We are living with her parents, who are lovely people, but it is stressful. Recently, we have been house-sitting for a rich family in their lovely home. It is great to have some alone time together. I don't have many friends here yet, but I regularly do Kung Fu which enables me to leave the house and meet new people.

Sex-wise we have incredible sex,  but when I watch porn my erections suffer for usually a day or two. I know this is not as severe PIED as some on this site. I also appreciate that I am very lucky in that I have a reboot partner, whom I love and am extremely attracted to. This is true, but I want to kick this silly habit once and for all. I feel porn has been holding me back from achieving my dreams. Whenever I feel bored, lonely, anxious, angry, or depressed, my first go-to is the computer, which almost inevitably turns into me watching porn.

I watched porn today, so I guess I'm on Day 0.

If anyone can give me any advice I would be most grateful. They say that the first two step of addiction recovery are 1) admitting you have a problem and 2) asking for help.

This is me asking for help.


- Adventurer



« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 01:15:35 PM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2019, 05:18:29 PM »
Hey man, welcome to the forum! Posting here regularly and interacting with other people in their journals has been a huge help to me, so I'm glad you're taking advantage of the support here.

One of the biggest advantages of posting here for me is that I can get my own thoughts out of my head and see them for what they are, just thoughts. Other people here have good ideas that push me to think more and try harder to fight this addiction. Plus, this forum is like a somewhat-daily accountability check for me. I know that I'll have to talk about my day and thoughts here, so it helps me to check myself during the day and make better choices.

Here's to success on this new leg of your journey!

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2019, 07:05:26 PM »
Welcome indeed. I'm also 27. I'm gonna read your story in more detail later. Very interested in the twists and turns for you. I am also a big meditator (mostly in theravada world) and i've thought a lot about how to understand porn struggle from a dharma lens. i'd love to share with you what i've been thinking about this stuff and see if it resonates with you and if you can help me work out the approach. to have the meditation background, i think it can help a lot a lot, it's all the right tools, we just need to figure out how to set them up properly for this particular struggle. lmk if you want to chat.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2019, 07:08:49 PM »
Hey man, welcome to the forum! Posting here regularly and interacting with other people in their journals has been a huge help to me, so I'm glad you're taking advantage of the support here.

One of the biggest advantages of posting here for me is that I can get my own thoughts out of my head and see them for what they are, just thoughts. Other people here have good ideas that push me to think more and try harder to fight this addiction. Plus, this forum is like a somewhat-daily accountability check for me. I know that I'll have to talk about my day and thoughts here, so it helps me to check myself during the day and make better choices.

Here's to success on this new leg of your journey!

Hey man! I completely agree. Thanks for stopping by! I'm glad to see that there is an active community here. I hope to contribute as much as I can.
Community is like a mirror. If you can help others and receive help you are on the right track to helping yourself. We have to understand ourselves fully in order to be at peace and put the brakes on our self-destructive tendencies, which stem from negativity. By listening to others' problems, and by allowing others to give advice, you are shining light up in those dark corners of negativity which fester like mouldy cheese in the periphery of our consciousness. With a strong community, we can overcome anything, even the primary source of all delusion: the delusion that we are separate from each other and the universe. :)

I hope that's not too philosophical lol!

Peace,

- Adventurer

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2019, 07:18:12 PM »
Welcome indeed. I'm also 27. I'm gonna read your story in more detail later. Very interested in the twists and turns for you. I am also a big meditator (mostly in theravada world) and i've thought a lot about how to understand porn struggle from a dharma lens. i'd love to share with you what i've been thinking about this stuff and see if it resonates with you and if you can help me work out the approach. to have the meditation background, i think it can help a lot a lot, it's all the right tools, we just need to figure out how to set them up properly for this particular struggle. lmk if you want to chat.


Hi Kadesh,

Thanks for your comment. Yes, meditation is a big part of my life, and I hope to get into a regular practice again. I did a good 30 mins today and it felt awesome just watching all those thoughts float around, just remaining as the observer. I started in Mahayana Buddhism but have now kind of ended up in Advaita Vedanta, which is a mystical branch of Hinduism. I resonate deeply with the teaching of a living sage named Mooji - have you heard of him? I don't identify as any religion, because I feel that all streams lead to the same ocean, and I take wisdom from anywhere that resonates with my soul. I would be very happy to talk anytime, either here in the forum of by PM :-) I'll also read your journal when I get a min!

Peace,

- Adventurer

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2019, 07:19:51 PM »
Sounds good! I know advaita vedanta a little bit, my experience is that it's all quite compatible, yeah! I'll send you a PM with some of my thoughts :)

Love what you're saying about community above.

I read through your post and it's all quite beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing all that. I feel your resolve and your interest and I truly believe you can make all the transformation you want in your life and in your relationship to porn and your sexuality and your screentime and your negative emotional states!

I'd love to hear from you more about why you want to break the habit these days. What's your motivation in your life right now? The waters can be hella rough and I think having a deep resolve requires a deep personal knowledge of what exactly it is you are done with and what you believe could be possible.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2019, 11:31:25 PM »
Thank you, Kadesh, that means a lot man! That's a very good question, for which there is no short answer.

I want to break the habit because it feels like porn is the thing standing between me and achieving my dreams. I want to build a thriving music school with my wife, which combines mindfulness, meditation and yoga into a comprehensive musical education. I want to build a global brand. I want to want to perform on stage again and actually enjoy it. For a while now, performing music hasn't excited me at all.
Porn makes me less outgoing and more serious. It affects my concentration greatly. It stifles my creativity in a huge way. It numbs me to the world. It gives me anxiety. It is a vicious cycle that I need to break. I want to be the best husband I can be to my wife, and I want to one day be a dad who has overcome his demons, so I can be emotionally available to my kids at all times.

Ultimately, though, I want to break the habit because in all honesty I feel One with the Universe apart from when I am engaging in porn use. It is my kryptonite, and my continued engaging in the activity no longer serves me in my life and in my spiritual journey, which are one and the same. I know I need to jump this hurdle, and that it is going to be challenging, but I can't let fear lead my life anymore. If I am destined to be free in this life, this process just has to happen. I don't have an option anymore. I'm just done.

- N-D A
« Last Edit: June 27, 2019, 11:48:53 AM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

penguin_36

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2019, 02:13:37 AM »
Hey Adventurer,
       So happy to see that you have realised there is a problem and want to overcome it. How's your recovery going? What day are you at? I hope you defeat this evil very soon and forever this time. I would advice you to update your journal on a regular basis. Thanks for your help and support by the way. We are with you. Let's defeat this evil together. Let's fight for LOVE.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2019, 12:08:41 PM »
Thank you for the support @penguin_36! I appreciate it. Hell yeah brother!  :D


Day 1.

On 25th September I will have reached the 90 day mark. It feels like ages away. Especially as I've only been in America for about 7 months. I plan not to masturbate either during this time as it inevitably leads me back to porn. One thing I do feel confident about is that I can take this one day at a time.

Woke up at 5.10am to drop my wife off at work (we only have one car right now and she rides horses, so they start at the ass crack of dawn as it's so hot in AZ!). Went to the supermarket at 6am to get petrol and bought some coffee for the guard at the gate of the gated community we are house-sitting in as he told me today would be his 30th birthday. We had a long chat about coffee a few days ago and he said the coffee there is terrible. He was very happy and it felt good to do something nice for someone.

I felt a little wired after that so I watched YouTube a bit before going back to bed. I managed to stop after two videos and I got back to bed at 7:15 but then ignored my first alarm and didn't end up getting up till 9. Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

Urges to watch porn are very frequent and occasionally strong. It's like a niggling itch that can be ignored but that becomes quite prominent from time to time.

Motivation for normal activity is not high today, which is probably also why I slept so much. The kitchen's a mess and I need to clean it, plus I need to get on with the business plan for our mindful music school. Right now I'm scouting the competition in the area and getting their prices, so that's actually quite a fun thing to do but I can't be bothered to pick up the phone lol. I also need to call the insurance company about a dent in my truck so I can get it fixed. I've been procrastinating both these things for the past week. This afternoon I'll be teaching a lot, so that'll be fun.

All this said, I feel a renewed motivation and commitment to this recovery since I started this journal yesterday. It feels very freeing to know I'm not in this alone. Not only writing down my thoughts on here, but also reading your journals really helps soothe the itch to watch it. I have to keep reminding myself not to bite off more than I can chew, and that it's a journey.

Does anyone on here work for themselves from home? If so, how do you get yourself motivated and organise your day? When I write lists, I usually make them way too ambitious and end up not achieving half the shit on the list and feeling bad about it. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Anyway, I'm going to go meditate now. Might check in later.


Peace,

- Adventurer

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2019, 05:46:53 PM »

I hope that's not too philosophical lol!


Definitely not! Where else do we get a chance to think and talk deeply about our addictions? Just trying to think things through and write them out here has helped me to learn about myself and my recovery. So bring it on!


On 25th September I will have reached the 90 day mark. It feels like ages away. Especially as I've only been in America for about 7 months. I plan not to masturbate either during this time as it inevitably leads me back to porn. One thing I do feel confident about is that I can take this one day at a time.


It's crazy to me how slowly recovery time passes looking forward and how quickly it goes looking back. If you're anything like me, each day can be a struggle that never seems to end. But, before you know it, you'll be much further down the road, surprised that it's already been that long. I'm definitely in the no-masturbation camp, too: it always leads right to porn, and there's no way for me to separate the two. It's all the same addiction as far as I can tell.

Also, I'm a student so I don't exactly work from home, but I do end up working at home a lot. I've had a lot of success making a to-do list and a schedule for the day so that I know what I need to do and also when and for how long I'll do it. I have gotten out of the habit lately, and I'm trying (mostly wishing) to get back into planning and scheduling my days. Maybe this is the little nudge I need.

Keep it up, man! One day at a time is the only way to go (no matter how bad the urges get, you can handle them for one more day)!

Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2019, 06:16:41 AM »
Non-Dual Adventurer, Never give up and never stop walking. March to the beat of your own drum. You’re a soldier with your feet planted in love. You have an army of soldiers at you six and your ten. You can do this! You’re amazing! You’re still standing after all you’ve been through. I’m proud of you! :)

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2019, 09:02:09 AM »
Thanks for the words @Heron and @Thank you!

Day 2.

Woke up at 5am to drop the wife off at work and had a strong coffee so now I'm wired. We are now house sitting for two different houses and have our stuff spread around 3 different houses (including B's in-laws'), all 15-30 mins away from each other. We're getting paid but man I wish I didn't drive a V8 truck that does 15 mpg  :o lol. It kind of negates the purpose of being paid to house-sit.

It's this kind of time in the mornings when I'm on my own and at home when I'm most at risk of relapse. It's when the itch becomes most prominent. In the evenings I'm usually either chilling with the wife or training Kung Fu but I'm just keepin' on keepin' on. I feel like ass because I slept like shit. The pillows at this other house are way too high and hard and are therefore super uncomfortable. I was also hot as balls all night and I kept waking up.

Erection-wise, I had a big ol' morning wood this morning that didn't go down for quite a while. Then I went to the loo and found a scorpion under the scales. I thought it was dead so I prodded it with the scales and it went into full on defence mode. I didn't get stung luckily but at that point I'm pretty sure I actually achieved a reverse erection as my penis and balls swiftly retreated 3 inches back into my body like the permanent state of the genetalia of our cousins, the great apes (true story, okay, maybe only the latter part not the former part). I screamed at the top of my lungs 'B! SCOOORRRPIOOON!!!' and she came and killed it with a flip flop. Man, those things are fast and scary as fuck! I'd never seen one (alive) before today. They definitely have the whole 'I'm a prehistoric scary motherfucker' thing down. In England, the most 'dangerous' animal we have is probably a yellow jacket wasp! Lol.

Urges will come this morning, I'm sure of it. To be honest, if I wasn't writing on here right now I'd probably be debating bashing the bishop, but I'm not going to do it. The bishop needs some rest from his abusive overlord, The Archwanker of Wankerbury!

I'm still debating whether or not I want to go to bed and at least try and get a few of winks. Only thing is I don't want to end up sleeping for like 2 hours and wasting this whole beautiful morning. Either way I feel quite the opposite of productive. I am NOT a morning person.
Urgh.


Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2019, 11:21:08 AM »
Okay so I went back to bed for an hour and woke up at 8:30 feeling even more shit. I made coffee and a healthy breakfast (porridge) but can't seem to get off my ass to start my day. Urges to watch porn are about a 7/10 right now in terms of strength.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2019, 05:53:45 PM »
Always good to have someone by your side who will wield a flipflop in your defense, lol.

Sorry you're not feeling great and that your urges are as insistent as they are. It's great to be aware of it and to be sort of calmly letting those urges stay to the side, though. You probably understand the meditative/mindful approach better than I do, but just because you have those feelings doesn't mean you have to give into them. Keep doing what you're doing and leaving them alone.

And, you know, I don't think there's any reason to force yourself to be a morning person if you don't have to. I guess driving your wife around is one thing, but if it is really good for you to go back to sleep after that, why not? It's worth getting up and staying up if that's something you really want to do, but not if it's just something you think you're "supposed" to do. (No need to make recovery harder than it already is.)

Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2019, 05:25:53 AM »
Non-Dual Adventurer, I really see how hard you are trying and how well you are doing with a difficult situation. You are strong enough to get over anything. I hope you have a good day  ;D ;D

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #15 on: June 30, 2019, 12:01:08 PM »
Always good to have someone by your side who will wield a flipflop in your defense, lol.

Sorry you're not feeling great and that your urges are as insistent as they are. It's great to be aware of it and to be sort of calmly letting those urges stay to the side, though. You probably understand the meditative/mindful approach better than I do, but just because you have those feelings doesn't mean you have to give into them. Keep doing what you're doing and leaving them alone.

And, you know, I don't think there's any reason to force yourself to be a morning person if you don't have to. I guess driving your wife around is one thing, but if it is really good for you to go back to sleep after that, why not? It's worth getting up and staying up if that's something you really want to do, but not if it's just something you think you're "supposed" to do. (No need to make recovery harder than it already is.)

Thanks dude, you're right. I try not to be harsh with myself about going back to bed or whatever, it's just I don't like to miss the whole day, you know? Also, it gets so damn hot at the moment during the day here in AZ (Like 110 degrees), that literally the best time is the very early morning where is cooler. But at the point in time, especially during this stage of the recovery, if I fall asleep, it's all good. I need to cut myself a little slack. :-) Thanks for reminding me.

Non-Dual Adventurer, I really see how hard you are trying and how well you are doing with a difficult situation. You are strong enough to get over anything. I hope you have a good day  ;D ;D

Thank you buddy!

Day 4.

Had sex with the wife, B, yesterday (Day 3). She was on her period and I found out afterwards that she was kind of uncomfortable during it due to cramps (and I'm big, so when it's her time of the month it can be uncomfortable to her because of stomach cramps.) We both O'd (she twice), but the connection was a bit funny. Probably because she was in discomfort and I'm an empath so I feel that shit. Anyway, my O wasn't very good and I spent the whole day feeling kind of de-energised. That could be partly because of the O but I think it might also have something to do with the fact that it was 111 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday, which for this Brit is novel and exhausting. Anyway, I haven't had any urges this weekend because I've been keeping busy. :-)

Weekends are not usually the danger-zone for me, and I barely thought about P all day yesterday.

Quick recap on Day 2. It was pretty intense, and my mind was going crazy before I went to Kung Fu. I couldn't silence it by meditating, and I couldn't nap, so I decided to chant mantra for 15 minutes. It's incredible what chanting can do to focus the mind on one thing. Afterwards, I felt completely normal. Has anyone else ever tried this?



achilles heel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2019, 01:19:22 PM »
Welcome and all the best for your journey!  :)

If anyone can give me any advice I would be most grateful. They say that the first two step of addiction recovery are 1) admitting you have a problem and 2) asking for help.

Best advice: Read this. That guy managed to quit and might sound extreme, but quitting porn is extreme and no fun at all, so there's really a lot of important information.

Being married and having an active sex life definitely helps you in terms of rewiring your brain from a screen to a real woman, still be prepared for the shitty part of reboot which is cravings and withdrawal!
« Last Edit: June 30, 2019, 01:37:22 PM by achilles heel »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #17 on: June 30, 2019, 07:02:48 PM »
No problem! I think I am a morning person, but even that has its limits. I have tried so many times to get up even earlier to take advantage of the day, but it just doesn't work. The trick now is finding a way not to feel guilty for listening to my body's morning rhythm.

I haven't done a lot of mantra work with my meditation before. There was one guided meditation for addiction that I found once that was mantra-based, and I think it helped a lot but I'd forgotten it. I think that's awesome that it helped you to get your mind focused and quieted. I might think about tracking some more down. Sometimes the usual focus on my breath stuff just doesn't cut it.

Keep it going! I'm really enjoying your insights and thoughts. And find ways to keep cool! Arizona heat is no joke.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #18 on: July 01, 2019, 12:02:30 PM »
Thank you for the support @achilles. Unfortunately the link doesn't work for me that you sent, would you mind sending it again or PM'ing me it?

@BlueHeronFan you'll be pleased to find out that this morning I stayed in bed till 9:30 :)! The mantra work can be a really good tool in your arsenal when you're really suffering and nothing else is working. It doesn't really matter what you chant, but there are some mantras that hold greater meaning than others and have healing properties, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Day 5.

Had a bit of a rocky evening last night. Felt so grumpy and exhausted all evening. Granted, we had a pretty shitty weekend just running errands in the heat and spending time with B's family - we didn't really get to relax by ourselves much.

TRIGGER WARNING
So I kind of peaked last night. I opened a video, it was one of those horrible casting couch audition things. I played from the beginning which had no nudity but stopped it as my heart rate rose. I got hard and had dick in hand ready to go. I flicked through the video but only with the mouse on the tiny thumbnail at the bottom so you can't really see anything. Then I realised what I was doing, shut my computer and walked the fuck away. It was a close call, and I didn't relapse. That is actually the first time in ages I've had the strength to walk away and I think it's because I'm now writing on this forum, and being held accountable. I debated whether or not to reset my counter, and I think on this occasion I'm not going to as the whole ordeal lasted a maximum of 1 minute and I didn't edge or do anything after that. That was my first strike but I'll not be so easy on acting out again. I'll put this down to experience. I will have to be vigilant today, though. Generally, I don't feel as bad today. Urges are about a 6/10 but coffee, a healthy breakfast, and a slow, relaxed morning away from screens should help.

achilles heel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #19 on: July 01, 2019, 01:59:11 PM »
Congrats on walking away, that's a massive success at that point!  :)

The link I was talking about: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #20 on: July 01, 2019, 02:31:35 PM »
Thanks for the link and the support! I will read through it.

Urges to watch porn are like 10/10 right now. I keep considering it, and can't seem to get motivated to leave the couch right now. I'm just gonna have hold tight and let them pass. Deep down though, I know that if I so much as peak, it's gonna be a slippery slope from there so I've gotta stay put. STORM APROACHING GUYS! Lol.

Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #21 on: July 02, 2019, 04:28:56 AM »
Today i want you to realize how strong you really are. You've been through so much, but you're here and i am soooooooooo proud of you  :)

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #22 on: July 02, 2019, 10:52:24 AM »
Thanks for the support, 'Thank you'.

Day 6

Yesterday was a living hell. All my brain wanted was PMO. I instinctively started M'ing but without watching anything, and it was like my dick got prepared to cum even without getting hard at all. Needless to say I didn't MO or PMO but the temptation was constantly there because the withdrawal was worse than death. It was so bad I couldn't move, speak, or see any positivity in the world. It was like how they describe the 'Dementor's Kiss' in Harry Potter. Where all the joy is sucked out of the world. It was miserable. I still feel pretty miserable today but it's a little better.

I've been a real shit to my wife these past couple of days - unfortunately she's been on the receiving end of some real anger. I need to stop using her as a proverbial punching bag for my own PMO withdrawal pain and bullshit. I think I need to have a time-out where I just sit alone when I'm like this, because I'm no fun to be around when I'm this negative. However, I can't really spend days on end alone. The trouble is I'm just so awful to be around right now, and I can't seem to help this palpable negativity that descends on me and lingers like a cancerous odour.

I'm going on a camping trip in the wilderness with all the guys from my wife's side of the family and some others from Thursday to Sunday, so there will be no internet. Hopefully until then, prepping for it will keep my mind off P.

I wonder if today will be any better or if my brain will decide to attack me with its full arsenal again.

Either way, one day at a time.

- Adventurer
« Last Edit: July 02, 2019, 11:00:43 AM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #23 on: July 02, 2019, 07:06:48 PM »
Urges to watch porn are like 10/10 right now. I keep considering it, and can't seem to get motivated to leave the couch right now. I'm just gonna have hold tight and let them pass. Deep down though, I know that if I so much as peak, it's gonna be a slippery slope from there so I've gotta stay put. STORM APROACHING GUYS! Lol.

This is definitely where your recovery efforts count the most! When those urges rage, they get in the way of everything. You're ready for it, though, and you know what to do.

It's amazing that you could walk away from that video (thanks for the trigger warning, by the way, that sort of note definitely makes this forum a safer place). That's way too close for comfort, though, so proceed with caution (like you needed me to say that, lol).

As awful as that storm is, there's something great about it too. In the past, I always gave in at the first round of urges, so I never really experienced how bad the urges could get. The last time I experienced the storm was the first time I managed to ride it out. It really did shut me down for a couple days, but it did quiet down eventually. Just remember that the increasing intensity is a sign of your progress: the further you get from porn, the more of a tantrum it will throw to get you back.

Hopefully camping will give you some space away from it all and help you get through the worst of it. We're all here cheering you on!

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #24 on: July 03, 2019, 01:47:05 PM »
Day 7

I slept like shit last night. Probably a max of 2 hours. I was just restless, anxious, and depressed all night. I woke at 5 to drop my wife to work, came home, and went back to bed from 6am-10:45. The good part is I don't care that I slept in that long. I clearly needed it, and I need to be kind to myself right now. Whenever I feel tired, I'm going to try and listen to my body and just sleep, for the time being at least until I'm more stable in my recovery and can control the urges that come due to insomnia.

At the moment, I'm feeling pretty negative. I keep thinking obsessing about my personality and being critical. It's like I can't distinguish which parts of my personality are due to P and which are really me. People have said that I can be very charismatic and charming, and I know this to be true, but right now I'm not that at all. I'm much quieter and I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like my wife overshadows me, and I don't assert myself to get my point across in group situations. She's the baby in her family so I guess she was always overshadowed which is why she is so loud and assertive in group conversation. It often annoys me though, a lot. I like to leave pregnant pauses in conversation, and people who have to always fill in the gaps annoy me, because 9/10 I wanted to say something else after the pause, to conclude my point. I should just talk to her gently about it, but I can't really regulate my anger at the moment, and I just end up sounding way more angry than I am or than is needed. I feel generally more quiet and insecure in social situations at the moment. It feels she's so much more outgoing, even though I never considered myself an introvert. I guess I do have an introverted side, but I generally like to be around people. Right now, I'm wondering whether that will all change when I'm clean for longer. What kind of eclectic phoenix of a character will emerge from the ashes?

I feel so removed from social situations, like I don't give a fuck about the outcome at all. It's like the opposite of social anxiety - I just can't be bothered to really contribute to conversation. I don't give a fuck about anyone or anything, I want to, I just can't. I can't even feel love for my wife right now - I don't want to touch her or be touched. I feel like she's bossy and annoying right now.

I think I'm also in a flat-line now, since yesterday. I have absolutely zero sexual desire, including for porn. I feel neutered, and it's really fucking weird. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing all the above irritation, because how can a man be manly when he's basically asexual? Maybe that's why I feel my woman is trying to control me - because I can't speak from my balls in an assertive tone. I feel weak and depleted, and as a result, insecure. Do people perceive me as a weak character? Her family don't know me that well - maybe they do? Does anyone else ever have these kinds of feelings?

Shit, I guess this is social anxiety!

We're leaving very early tomorrow to go camping. I'm really looking forward to the drive. I'm driving my truck and my brother-in-law T and his friend M are up in the cab with me the whole way. It'll be nice to get to know them a bit better, especially my brother-in-law who lives in the South and has a wife and three small kids, which means we don't get much one-on-one time. The drive is around 5 hours long and then there's a good 45 minutes of pretty technical off-road driving to get to the camping spot, which I'm really looking forward to. Something about being in your truck in the middle of nowhere with 4wd on going over obstacles feels very primal. It's incredible what man can build. Well, look at that, 5 minutes in America and I'm already a truck guy! LOL.

Wishing all you peeps from the US a very happy 4th July, and everyone else a lovely weekend.

Over and out.

- Adventurer