Author Topic: Women's Addiction  (Read 50387 times)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #25 on: April 30, 2014, 02:08:09 AM »
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.

Orbiter

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #26 on: April 30, 2014, 06:52:15 PM »
I can strongly relate to that right now Kaybee. It's most likely part of the withdrawals. In my experience, I tend to find around 14-20 days my mood starts to take some sharp swings and starts to become more stable and positive after.

Don't be discouraged, you're doing great! As long as you stay strong and push through it, it's only going to get better.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #27 on: May 07, 2014, 05:35:07 AM »
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.

Less than a week and you will have met your first goal! Hang in there.

Bibbity

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #28 on: May 07, 2014, 09:14:20 AM »
Feeling super discouraged, yet apathetic.

Talk to us!!  What's happening?!  Some of this is perfectly normal.  you no longer have the excitement of porn to distract you from the mundane of life.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Jverhoye

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #29 on: May 07, 2014, 09:49:44 PM »
Hey K, what's going on?  Fill us in, whatever is happening.  You know we are all here and we are all supporting you, whatever is going on.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #30 on: May 12, 2014, 04:03:16 AM »
I relapsed. It wasn't stress, or anything. It was pure laziness and not giving a fuck. After it happened, I didn't feel bad (but I didn't feel good either) and so I just kept doing it. At first I told myself that I wasn't going to reset my counter because it was just a one-time slip up / no big deal, but apparently if I give myself an inch I take a mile.
I tried looking at the women and asking myself who they were, and why they were there, but the devil's lies are strong and when I want to believe them, I do. 
I just feel really dumb. I wrote all that stuff about being strong, and gave myself all those reasons why I wouldn't do it again, but the second I really felt like it, I gave in. And then I didn't just give in once, but I let myself get carried away. I kept doing the same thing to trigger it, knowing full well how it would end. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend, and on myself.
The only victory I can find in this whole fiasco is that I didn't go back to the "hardcore" stuff. I put that in quotations, because we all have our own versions of what that is. But seriously, that is the only bright side here. That's like saying, 'thank God I'm only doing heroine instead of crystal meth!' 
So obviously, I'm still mad at myself and baffled as to why I did it in the first place. I was on a great streak, then I just gave up. Bravo to me.

Wanttobebetter

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #31 on: May 12, 2014, 10:48:57 AM »
Kaybee,  Learn anything you can about your moods and triggers before your relapse. Then it is simple...first, forgive yourself. Simple...forgive yourself. Then start again. One hour at a time, one day at a time.
Forgive yourself. Learn what you can about what triggered your backslide. Move on. Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Keep up the good fight. You'll get there.

Dreieck

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #32 on: May 12, 2014, 04:56:14 PM »
All the best kaybee, get up and move on, so what´s your new record?

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #33 on: May 13, 2014, 02:05:17 AM »
Thanks for asking, Dreieck, I hadn't really thought about it. I guess my new record is 18 days. Possibly 19 days, I can't recall for sure.
Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Thanks, Wanttobebetter, I actually really needed to hear that. I feel like I'm in this on my own, even though I have a very supportive fiancee, a great best friend who stands by me, and all of you guys cheering me on. It's great to be reminded of that.

Bibbity

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #34 on: May 13, 2014, 12:10:49 PM »
On the road to recovery there are many slips.  What separates the successful from those that fail is what you do AFTER the slip up.  Do you go back to your old ways or learn and move forward vowing to beat your old record.  You identified some key behaviors here which is great.  Next time you can be conscious of it.  For a lot of addicts acting BEFORE a trigger is key.  What are your triggers?
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Wanttobebetter

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #35 on: May 13, 2014, 10:07:24 PM »
Hi Kaybee,
The greatest gift each of us receives in recovery is the absolute realization that we are not alone. Twenty two years ago a bunch of strangers demonstrated to me that none of my personal stories were news to them. They'd all been there. All they wanted to do was listen to me and let me know I wasn't alone. And the more I listened to them the more i learned. It's been one day at a time but I haven't had a drink since. 
Same for you here in this place.  A bunch of strangers who know exactly what you're going through and offer total support and no judgment. Fall down...no problem...let us help you back up.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #36 on: May 15, 2014, 03:46:48 AM »
On the road to recovery there are many slips.  What separates the successful from those that fail is what you do AFTER the slip up.  Do you go back to your old ways or learn and move forward vowing to beat your old record.  You identified some key behaviors here which is great.  Next time you can be conscious of it.  For a lot of addicts acting BEFORE a trigger is key.  What are your triggers?

You know, that's a great question. I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what my triggers are. Definitely sexy advertisements or scenes in movies, but there are other times when a thought just enters my mind and somehow leads to porn without me understanding how it gets there. (Wanttobebetter promised no judgement, so here goes) For instance, tonight at work I was leaning on a counter when a male employee walked by. He's very nice, but I'm not attracted to him sexually. However, the position I was in, and with him behind me, inevitably made me think of other scenarios that sent my mind racing. How can I control that? I didn't want to be thinking about it, but it was there. Even while I'm writing this, I make a conscious effort to sensor myself so as not to be a stumbling block for somebody, but another part of myself would be extremely 'turned on' to know that I had that power. I realize that it's totally sick to want to ruin another person's progress with their addiction, but those are the thoughts that I can't control that lead me to want to fantasize and watch videos. Even things like showering or getting dressed are problems for me, because I relate my own body so much to other women's bodies that I've seen, and that can set me off. That totally sounds like the height of narcissism, but my own body is a trigger. Honestly, what can I do about that? I feel like there is no way to avoid my triggers and I just have to face them full on, but that gets really hard, really fast. I feel tempted all the time. The only thing that stops me is conviction, but after holding off for so long, I just stop caring and let myself go and I wind up back at the bottom.

Bibbity

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2014, 08:13:44 AM »
Great response and I love your honesty!  I think you are relating to your body in the way that porn intends you to relate to your body.  It's called Self-objectification.  When men view porn they objectify women and when women watch male oriented porn the objectify themselves.  I have watched porn myself on plenty occasions while in my sexless marriage so I know how damaging that can be.  It's like a subconscious aspect takes hold that makes you think of yourself only as a sexual being, you are disconnected from your true self and your true internal being or soul.  You said you were not even attracted to that man yet you imagined yourself sexually with him.  This is the shadow side of divine femininity.  It is the height of self hatred.  Narcissism at it's core is about not having your needs met so you seek others to fulfill your need.  It sounds like you may have a need for significance perhaps? (we all have this need by the way).  How can you get this need met in a more constructive way?

Quote
but those are the thoughts that I can't control

This is the part which isn't true.  You have FULL control of your thoughts.  It takes practice with replacing sexual thoughts with something else but it can be mastered.  The world is designed to keep you in this hyped up sexual zombie state.  Imagine how much brain power you would have without those sexual or porn related thoughts?
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2014, 01:10:49 AM »
Right now I'm mad at my boyfriend and wanting to watch porn. Logic/reasoning, anyone?

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2014, 06:44:17 AM »
Right now I'm mad at my boyfriend and wanting to watch porn. Logic/reasoning, anyone?

How about addressing why you're mad with him?

Edit - Are you really mad at him or looking for a reason to break your reboot?
« Last Edit: May 16, 2014, 06:46:48 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #40 on: May 16, 2014, 01:37:53 PM »
No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me. :)

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2014, 01:51:14 PM »
No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me. :)

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!

hang in there, it gets easier and a lot less weight on your mind!

You can do this!

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2014, 03:20:21 PM »
Thanks :)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2014, 01:39:21 AM »
I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2014, 12:49:58 PM »
I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!

Bibbity

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #45 on: May 17, 2014, 01:04:34 PM »
Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #46 on: May 18, 2014, 01:07:42 AM »
It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!

I sure do!  ;D

Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.
Thankfully I don't have any qualms about confessing when I've done wrong. I make it a habit to tell my fiancee even the littlest thing, like a customer flirting with me at work, just so I don't have that feeling of keeping a secret. I kept my sexuality and all of the things involved with that a secret for way, way, way too long and look how that manifested. I pretended to be the perfect virginal, innocent Christian girl with all of my friends and family, then took my clothes off for strangers at night. Nope. Not letting it go back there again!
Forgiving myself is always the hardest part. My man forgives me time after time, and never holds anything against me. I however, still obsess over mistakes I made in high school, or bad choices I made years ago. I don't feel like I can fully forgive myself until I beat this problem, because my mom always taught me that "sorry means you won't do it again".  As much as I can tell myself I won't flirt with guys, or dress provocatively with malicious intent, or go back to certain websites again, my track record indicates that I will. I need to kick this monster to the curb before I can trust myself enough to forgive myself.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #47 on: May 19, 2014, 03:17:49 PM »
Okay, so day 10 brought with it random crying and a depressed mood, but I was ready for it. I said, this is a symptom not a reality, and I sucked it up and got back to work. My mind is playing over time right now, making up fantasies for everyone I see to make up for the lack of porn. This time around it's more annoying than troublesome. When half my brain is whispering "hey good looking, I'll ****** if you ****", the other half is screaming at it to calm down. What I need to work on is not letting myself slip into apathy again. I need to constantly remind myself why this is worth doing.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #48 on: May 21, 2014, 02:58:48 AM »
Aaaaarg! Feeling so tempted! Time to shut off the computer and go to sleep!

Rainiegirl

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #49 on: May 21, 2014, 07:45:15 PM »
do you like to read? When I quit porn years ago I found reading at my worst times helpful