Women's Addiction

[Kaybee]

I found out just in time that today is my very last day to report my sexual assault. Because our courts will be closed over Christmas, and because the rapist is flying back to Denmark (forever) in less than a week, I have roughly 5 hours to act if I want to do anything.
I thought I had decided not to press charges, but now that the opportunity is going to be gone forever, I'm having second thoughts and I need to face this problem seriously. I'm terrified I will make the wrong decision.

[chiefmitch88]

What did you decide Kaybee?

[ntg]

Hey Kaybee,

I have to say that I started reading your journal just a day ago, so I'm not even up to speed on how exactly the sexual assault happened or the details or anything.  I just would like to say a few things though anyway, as I've been through being molested myself, and maybe I can be of some help hopefully.

First, I want to say that I really appreciate you posting on here, because for most of my life, I've had this delusion that women are better than me, like they don't deal with these kinds of issues (ie: PMO addictions).  I know a lot of this stems from my early life as a kid, as my mother unknowingly taught me to think of girls as strange - so I just wanted to say that reading your journal has really helped me to get a handle on what reality really looks like, and so I'm really thankful for you writing here

Now, as to the sexual assault.  I was molested when I was around 12 yrs old, and the situation was that the guy who did it to me was about 4 yrs older, and his dad was a cop on the police force, believe it or not.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed it had happened, and felt like it was my fault (even though I was sleeping and woke up to the act) - but I still felt I should have stopped it, I should have known better, etc.  What my therapist said when I told him that (a few yrs ago now) was that, no, you should have had a dad who could have protected you (no such luck in my case, as I don't know mine - but I digress); it was a way of opening my eyes to see that I was a victim, not an accomplice in the act.  Same is true of you; I'm sure you're having lots of thoughts about how much you were to blame for it, if you did anything to provoke it, etc.  And I want to just reassure you that this is totally normal and totally bullshit, because what should have happened is that this guy should never have hurt you. period.

So, when thinking about whether or not to press charges; I never did against the guy who molested me, and it has haunted me a little bit.  I always wonder to myself, "did he hurt anyone else that I could have prevented it happening to?"  I was so young at the time, I was not able to cope with all these decisions, so I don't blame myself at all.  I do believe though, that pressing charges could give you some closure and even prevent him from hurting others in the future.  Just recognize that if you're feeling embarrassed or like it's partly your fault, it's totally normal, but unequivocally false.

If I can help you at all in this time, please let me, I am really sympathizing with you right now, and will help in whatever way I can.

[Kaybee]

Well here I am, starting over again. 5 days 'sober'. I'm not 100% certain, but I think Christmas Eve was the start of my relapse binge.

I decided to press charges against my rapist through my University instead of through the police. They have the power to expel him, even though he's gone now, and that would be indicated on his transcripts for any college he decides to go to in Denmark. They also have the power to ban him from the campus in my city, which would guarantee him never coming back.
My University has been very supportive of me, and the Dean even helped my by rearranging my practicum dates so that I can go to a support group every Wednesday.

I guess it was the stress that sent me back to porn. Oddly enough, I think it was also a form of celebrating. I was feeling really good about my decision to act through the University, and that was just a day before my relapse. I wasn't going to count my relapse initially, and was just going to admit to it on here without resetting my counter. Unfortunately, as the days went by it kept getting worse and worse with me spending more time on the computer, and even my phone, looking at porn. I ended up doing the worst possible thing I could ever do, and I went to chat roulette. That was were I started before I got into more serious sex cams, and I know that going back there was basically me giving up on myself. I went there 3 times, and had cyber sex with around 10 men in one week. If that's not a full blown cry for help, I don't know what is. I'm happy to say that I did not become suicidal this time, which means everything to me. I am of course worried about having been recorded; I've been worried for the past 3 years and now I'm worried again. I feel kind of pathetic about having gone back to the cams. When I started the first time, I became enticed into that world because I had been rejected by a guy I'd really liked, and when I went on there I was constantly told how beautiful and sexy I was. I was in such a bad place, and so used to watching women abuse themselves that I let myself be coerced into it. This time I should have been so much stronger. I should have told myself all the great and valid reasons why I don't need their validation. Instead I ignored all the amazing changes I've made in my life, and everything I've learned through my reboot and just threw it away for some compliments. I hate that.

I'm just as dedicated to cut porn out of my life as I was 1 month ago, and I'm honestly baffled as to how I let myself get so out of hand.

[Gracie]

Good to see you back!  I will be sending you a PM tomorrow night  (Thursday).  Do not have time today to do that.  Welcome and good job on standing up for yourself and finding your voice!  That is very important.  Will write more later.

Gracie

[chiefmitch88]

Kaybee,

Firstly, I'd also like to send my sincerest support in your decision to seek justice. Now that you've started this process you will be able to close the door on it at some point in the future.

Secondly. Don't beat yourself up over the relapse. I am my worst critic and if I allow myself to feel shame/guilt/sub-human it will ultimately lead to another relapse for me. I will dwell on my brokenness and self-pity until I find an escape. My obsessive thought patterns turned out to be something I needed to address along with my addiction. Take it as a learning experience and move on. You have been through some terribly rough times and, quite frankly, I am amazed at how many days you were able to stack up before your slip. You have tremendous resolve! Not to mention the fact that the holidays are a consistently difficult time for people. Shorter days, less sun, seasonal affective disorder, over-eating, drinking merrily, spending money, receiving gifts, difficult family interactions, illness, resolutions, more drinking. It is a perfect storm for me and I have come to realize that I have to be hyper-vigilant during the months of Nov, Dec, & Jan. Add to that the fact that you sought justice for your attacker and it's not a huge surprise that you stumbled. Granted, there is never a good excuse to use but don't be too hard on yourself. It's progress, not perfection.

Life is a dance and we all stumble at times. That does not mean you can't dust yourself off and finish with grace. We must learn to love/accept ourselves first and foremost in this recovery process. Compliments from objectifying men are all empty. Unfortunately, we live in a society of highly conditioned objectifiers. They find you sexy, sure, but that is not the same thing as love. But I'm sure you know all this already.

George Collins has a mantra I repeat to myself often whenever I feel an urge. "You can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy you." You are enough just the way you are Kaybee and you deserve real love just the way you are. Your flaws will not prevent someone from loving you because everyone on this planet has flaws. Take heart in the knowledge that you are facing your demons and that takes more courage than most people can muster.

[nomox3]

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you! I've read part of your story, and then realized you have 7 pages lol. But you are still here, and God is still here too.

I haven't read anything past page one, but I will be reading more soon.

Just know that I'm paying for you, and if you would like, I can put you down for prayer at my church? Just let me know. It took 3 churches praying for me for years before I came to Christ lol. But I'm thank full that they were praying!

I'm a youth minister with a PMO problem, so if you need to talk let me know.

[Kaybee]

I'm back.... once again with my tail between my legs.
My heart isn't in this like it used to be. I'm using all my energy to focus on healing myself from the assault, and I'm letting my resolve slip on this. That's not what I want. I know that this addiction is just as important to be fighting in my efforts to feel whole again, but I just can't seem to give a damn. But I can proudly report that I haven't been back on the chat sites! I have been very tempted, but every time I think of it I just put my laptop under my bed and pull out a book. I'm still angry at myself for going back, but I'm not surprised and I know why I did. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am valuable for more than my body. Porn definitely doesn't help me remember that.

I had a little bit of a breakdown at my support group on Wednesday. (I really love my group - thank you so much to everyone who suggested I go!!! It's become my favorite part of the week.)  I was crying because I am so, so, so angry with God, and angry with my attacker for making me angry with God when I had been in such a good place. I'm furious that God brought me through 8 years of healing after the boy who hurt me in high school, and was helping me recover from porn addiction, and then WHAM! Back at square one. It's not fair, and life's not fair, and I'm angry.
I also told my group members about how I confronted my rapist and made him cry, and put up posters around campus calling him out.... I actually got cheering and applause. That felt REALLY good. It's hard for me to realize how many opportunities I've had that other women don't have when it comes to seeking justice and confronting their attackers. They called me a Badass Powerful Warrior Woman! That's my new name for myself.

Chiefmitch, I really need to keep your words in mind. C and my counselor tell me this all the time, but it's so hard to tell myself. Thank you for reminding me.

Your flaws will not prevent someone from loving you because everyone on this planet has flaws. Take heart in the knowledge that you are facing your demons and that takes more courage than most people can muster.

I'm going to try to make a point of coming on here more often. I know that I fight the addiction best when I have a community of supporters, and I need to make that a priority as well.
Gracie... You never messaged me!

[Gracie]

I stand chagrined and message has been sent!  I am so sorry!  Good to see you back!

[Nessie]

Good to see you back Kaybee! We were missing your valuable posts!

But I can proudly report that I haven't been back on the chat sites! I have been very tempted, but every time I think of it I just put my laptop under my bed and pull out a book. I'm still angry at myself for going back, but I'm not surprised and I know why I did. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am valuable for more than my body. Porn definitely doesn't help me remember that.

For me this is the most important thing Kaybee. Sometimes a lot of things simply don't go as we would like. But it's in those moments that we need a stable ground to stand up again. This is your stable ground: you are worth more and deserve much more that this!

Try to never go back to chat sites again. I know you can do it.

I will pray for you Kaybee!

[chiefmitch88]

Hey Kaybee,

I'm glad your're back. You are right that you need to remind yourself of your value. Keep trying.

Also, remember that you always have a choice when you use. Yes, there are difficult days but it is still ultimately your decision. That path, no matter how comforting an escape, leads us to believe that we are less than. When you aren't using it is much easier to believe it when you tell yourself, "I am enough."

Peace and Love to you Sister!

[robust]

I'm glad that you keep on going.. All the best, Kaybee aka Badass Powerful Warrior Woman!

[CrateDane]

Its good to see you back and motivated even if the reasoning is a bleak one.
Im really happy that you went to the support group and that you feel really good going there, as I said it was super important and helpful for me when I needed it.
Stay strong Ms BaPoWaWo!

[Kaybee]

CrateDane, Congrats on 90 days!!

Thanks for welcoming me back with open cyberarms, everyone
I finally have some information on the date of my hearing with the University. It will be coming up in 3-4 weeks. I took yesterday off school just to get my thoughts together, and today I have my support group. I baked muffins for them. I'm simultaneously trying not to think about the incident, and obsessing over it. So that's fun. I really don't know how I'm going to keep up with my school work right now; it's getting to be a problem for me. My counselor and I also came across the fact that I seem to be afraid of being alone... which I feel is pretty connected to why I went back to the cams. The night I found out about the hearing I just cried and cried and tried to find people to be with, but I was all alone. I tried asking a guy I've been seeing who knows the situation vaguely to come over, but he was not prepared for that challenge. Eventually I was able to talk things over with C.  I feel like I'm becoming a burden to him. I hate asking for help all the time.
On pornographic side of things, I've been doing very well. I find that when I'm scared or anxious (which I've been feeling about the hearing) I don't have as many urges to watch it. The warning signs I have to watch for are: apathy towards the topic, low-self esteem, feeling rejected, and straight up arousal. I feel like I will have to be on guard for this at all times, and keep two steps ahead of myself if I want to fight this while I'm distracted with everything else going on.
Something for me to be happy about is I finally seem to be making female friends. There are a few girls in my group I can see a friendship forming with, and I now have a solid female friend in school and at work. This is new for me! I like it!

[chiefmitch88]

Great news about the new found friendships Kaybee. I too found that I squashed my loneliness with P and online chatting. I squashed many feelings by using but loneliness was probably chief among them. It took me a while to realize that my "fix" only exacerbated the problem. I isolated more so that I could get more of what could never satisfy me, which is the exact opposite of what I truly needed. I too now find myself craving some intimate and heartfelt conversation with people. While I still feel self-conscious sometimes about engaging in conversation with new people I have come to find that the feeling of guilt and shame are far worse than a brief moment of nervousness about the potential of rejection. After practicing at socializing I came to understand that most of those fears I had regarding rejection were fabricated in my own neurotic mind. Also, I came to understand that people who judge or react without empathy definitely have problems of their own they are dealing with, and it is by no means a reflection upon my shortcomings.

Peace and Love

[Kaybee]

I PMOed to softcore yesterday. I don't even enjoy softcore. In this case the reason I stumbled was I have a date coming up tonight and I already explicitly told him that I don't think we should be physical.  My mind and heart agree, but you guys know how it is. Anyways, I got excited thinking about this date and then felt frustrated because I knew it would not become physical, even though that is my choice. I rationalized those feelings to mean that I deserved to PMO to 'get rid of the tension'. I also told myself that if it was just softcore then I could lie to you and prétend it didn't happen. So here is me not lying.

[chiefmitch88]

You had a slip, we all have. Sounds like you have identified your triggers. You now have the knowledge to face the trigger when it comes around next time. The addict in my head had plenty of clever lies to get me to use. Seek progress Kaybee, not perfection.

[ntg]

You found a trigger, good job!  You're one step closer to beating this thing.  Don't go the route of trying to stay away from all things sexual; I mean we are sexual beings, and therefore sexual interactions are natural.  In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course.  If you feel you don't want to be physical, cool, just set a boundary for yourself, and stick to it.  If you tell him you don't want to get physical, this just broadcasts that you have had a problem in the past with getting physical, and you need his cooperation to make sure it doesn't happen again....some guys will take advantage of this.  Keep going, dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, and goodonya for being honest.

[nomox3]

Hey, it's good to see you back! I mean, as far as that goes any ways. It would be great if none of us were addicts and we didn't have to be here in the first place! But aside from that, glad you haven't given up.

I cannot even begin to pretend that I know what you are feeling concerning God, because of what you have been through. I remember when I was 7 or so, watching a guy almost rape my sister. She was a teen at the time. I ran to the house and grabbed a knife to defend her, but the guy told me that he would use it on me if I tried any thing. He was the son of the sheriff. I felt completely helpless for my sister. This happened to her on top of my dad molesting her also.

The helplessness that I felt couldn't hold a candle to how she must have felt. I said all this to say that what ever anger you feel towards God is understandable. If we are honest, we can't completely say that God is free of any blame here. But in keeping with that same honest, we have to acknowledge that though good allowed these horrible things to happen, He didn't make them happen. And He most definitely didn't want them to happen.

God loves you, and He places a very high value on you. In fact you are priceless to Him. He created us for His love. Knowing that God is for us and not against us makes it difficult to understand why He allows such painful things to happen. And the answer is in free will. We have a choice in what we do the same way my sister rapist had a choice. It may not bring comfort, but for good to allow us free will, He had to allow them free will also.

I take comfort in knowing that God is perfectly just. The old testament says the phrase "mercy and truth" a lot. That speaks to God Grace, and His justice. Your attacker will be held accountable. God executes perfect justice. And that God for His Grace also!

Sorry for the sermon.

You have value beyond words. You are capable and bold.You may fear being alone, but that is just the trauma and PTSD talking.

Any ways, I'm praying for you. Remember that being angry is not a sin. The bible says, "be angry and do not sin" it also says that God will never leave you or forsake you.

[Kaybee]

Thank you for sharing that, nomox3. My heart goes out to your sister. How is her life today? I hope that it's happier than her childhood. And I know that must have been torture for you to not be able to stop it. Your message had a lot  of things in it that I didn't want to hear, but that I needed to be reminded of. So thanks.

In the future, I would not tell someone that you are or are not going to be physical (this would appear strange to me if someone told me this); just let nature take its course. 

Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.

Well, I try not to only come back when I mess up, but here I am again. I relapsed yesterday, and that wasn't the first time since I last posted. The good news is I only watched part of one video before becoming absolutely disgusted with the porn industry and with myself. I hate that I drag myself into that cesspool over and over again. It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good. This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.

[plotox]

Hello Kaybee!

I just wanted to say that it is a small beacon of light to see a woman post about her struggle with PMO. As a male, I often feel that most women would not be able to understand what it is like to be addicted to PMO, and it feels wonderful to be proven wrong!

As you can see, we both relapsed very recently...damn. But life goes on!

If we didn't believe that was true, why would we be on this site posting to strangers about our struggles and getting the support we are looking for? To me (and to be honest, I am just realizing this now) it must prove that it really is true! If we didn't believe we could change, and truly conquer this PMO habit, we wouldn't even be trying, but alas, here we are. For me, it is 2:00 AM and I have spent the last couple hours regaining confidence to continue my reboot.

Today Kaybee, I am confidently committing to my 20 day goal of no PMO to you personally, because you are a woman, and because you know what it is like to struggle. The truth is, all men who struggle with PMO owe it to women everywhere. The reverse is also true. Women owe it to all men, so that we can try to normalize our sexuality and attitudes towards women. With that said, I humbly ask you to dedicate 20 days to me. I will be very pleased if you accept, but if not, my reboot for the next 20 days still goes out to you!

I also, am tempted as I type, but it makes the effort all the more valiant.

To finish...If some guy can go for 40 days in the desert resisting food, water, even all the power in the earth, then who's to say we can't resist PMO for 20 days?

Take care Kaybee!

[ntg]

Haha that's not quite how it went. We both agreed that we had moved too fast, and I suggested that we take things slow for a while. Personally, I don't think that's weird.

Naw, I don't think that's weird either, I guess I misunderstood the situation.  I thought you meant that before you guys had gotten physical at all, you said that to him; if you're both agreeing to slow down, then it makes perfect sense.

It repulses me on every level to see women being dishonoured like that, and to watch men act like cruel animals. I cannot wait to be done with porn for good.  This addiction makes me think of how meth addicts will claw their own skin off looking for bugs that aren't there. Then they'll sober up and want to get high and do it all again. I feel like I'm clawing out chunks of my brain with this shit, but then I want to do it all again as soon as I'm triggered. Fuck pornography.
Seriously, even as I write this, I'm tempted.

My advice would be to stop trying to stay away from it, the more you try to do something, the more you invariably fuck it up.  If you try to hold a cup steady while pouring, you'll spill.  If you try to talk confidently, you'll fumble your words.  If you try to stay away from porn, you'll relapse.  It's the law of reduced effort; the harder you try at something, the worse it gets.  Relax, stop trying, learn some meditation or visualization exercises (breath ones are really good).  The best way to beat this thing is to take your focus off of it entirely, and put it on something else.  If you have a gym membership, go to the gym.  If you get a craving and the gym is not open, go run.  Do something physical, because a lot of times, the triggers are built-up energy.  Deep breathing helps too, learning how to convert sexual energy (hot energy) into neutral energy (cool energy).

In psych, they have a principle that says the mind does not understand a negative.  This means that if you say you don't want to fall, you're focusing on falling, and probably will fall.  Instead, foucs on an ideal end result, and put your attention & focus on it instead.  So, stop saying you don't want to relapse, and start saying you want to get a better body, or you want to finish a book, or you want to learn a new hobby, you get the idea.

[mtaha2015]

welcome aboard kaybee.
3 days with no P and fantasy is a great progress.
stay strong and clean.
work for your good future.

[Kaybee]

I'm not doing well right now. I went back to the cams last night. I've been watch P a lot lately and hooking up with so many guys that I'm scaring myself. I feel really out of control.

[Nessie]

Hi Kaybee!

Unfortunately I don't have time (and skills xD) to write a long reply right now, but nevertheless I want to tell you not to let you go!

For what concerns cams, have you ever try to put your pc in a "less private" place in your home, like your living room for example? This could help also with porn (a part for viewing them using tablets/smarphones of course).

You can help a lot of people here! At least you're forcing me to write in pseudo-English :-)
Try to keep your journal updated even when thigs are going great. We are interested in your life and to help you to overcome these troubles.

Don't give up! Please let cams be your past, not your future!

P.S.: I hope I was at least slightly understandable! :-)