Author Topic: Women's Addiction  (Read 49054 times)

Kaybee

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Women's Addiction
« on: April 01, 2014, 03:01:51 AM »
Hi everyone,
So I thought I would share my story because I noticed that the other women here so far could only express their conflict with porn through their significant other's experience. Not to say that their issues aren't as important as mine, because they definitely are, but I thought I could offer another side of the story.
I am a 22 year old woman, and I have been using pornography, first photos then videos, since I was exposed to it at the age of 10. I was at a girl in my grade's house and we decided to do an image search for 'sex'. That was the first time I ever saw a pornographic image and it has stuck with me all this time. I was at first terrified that somebody would find out and we would both get in trouble, but nobody checked the history. After that, I started sneaking peeks at things while my parents were in the other room, and I found I got off on the danger of being caught. Unfortunately, I never was and my parents never spoke to me about how inappropriate the behavior was. 
When I was in my first year of high school at age 14, I met a young man who coerced me into a friends with benefits relationship that I was extremely uncomfortable with. That relationship resulted in more exposure to pornography as well as erotica and self-pleasuring. I would like to stress that this was an extremely unhealthy relationship where I held no power. I know that it is natural for teenagers to be curious about their bodies and to want to explore others' as well, but this was more of peer molestation. He suddenly ended it before my 15th birthday without warning, and I was devastated and relieved at the same time.
After that relationship, my self esteem was in pieces. It took 4 years before I was ready to tell people what had happened, and another year after than until I felt ready to date again.  During that time I turned to pornography. I would use it every single day some weeks, which was difficult because I shared the family computer with 4 other people. I had to become extremely creative in finding ways to cover my tracks, to hide my habit, to pretend that I didn't know anything about sex when I really knew much more than even my older brothers. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I was horrified by the things I saw. It was especially shocking for me, I think, because I was a woman watching abuses happen to other women. I internalized a lot of the things I saw. Like with most addicts, I found myself searching for darker and darker subject matter until I didn't even recognize myself anymore.
The biggest turning point in my story was when I was 19 years old. I no longer got as aroused by pornography as I once did, and I wanted to participate myself. All those years of watching  other women be objectified, abused, and disrespected somehow made me want to join them. I started going to adult live webchat sites. I started doing sexual acts on camera for men whose faces I couldn't even see. I deluded myself into thinking that they cared about me, or that they saw me as beautiful. In reality, I was just one of many women that they would see that day. After work I would come home and dedicate around 4 hours to my addiction. This continued for roughly one month. Finally, I broke down. The thought of being recorded and having people I love see those videos drove me to insanity. I was constantly worried about being recognized. When I went to the mall, I felt that every man in the mall knew who I was and what I had done. 
I decided to kill myself. My plan was to drive my car into a tree, or over a bridge so it would look like an accident and no one would ask why a good girl like me wanted to die. I know that this sounds incredibly drastic to a lot of you reading this, but that was how far I had drifted into despair. I remember just sitting in my room, staring at my hands, imagining them covered in blood. I closed my eyes and I prayed that I would have enough strength to make it through the night. I respect that some of you do not believe in God, but I do, and as complicated as having a porn addiction and being a Christian is, it is my reality. Thankfully, I did not get in my car that night. When the morning came I knew I should check myself into a 72 hour watch, but I couldn't admit to other people that I needed help. If you are in a similar situation, or are thinking about the same thing, I urge you to get help. It is not weak. It is strong to admit that you have a problem and that you can't do it on your own.  I wish that I was that strong.
Since then, I have quit the chatrooms. I still have nightmares about finding recordings of myself. Pornography is still an ongoing struggle that I wish I could quit. I have tried many times since the age of 15 to stop watching it, but I have never been successful for more than a month or two. Any advice, prayers, or camaraderie would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to the pain pornography has caused in my life, I hope that it can help in yours. 

robust

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2014, 05:35:39 AM »
I was at first terrified that somebody would find out and we would both get in trouble, but nobody checked the history.

I remember the first time I was doing that. I believe I was as terrified as I've never been before or after that.. :D Funny and bizarre at the same time.

The biggest turning point in my story was when I was 19 years old. I no longer got as aroused by pornography as I once did, and I wanted to participate myself. All those years of watching  other women be objectified, abused, and disrespected somehow made me want to join them. I started going to adult live webchat sites. I started doing sexual acts on camera for men whose faces I couldn't even see. I deluded myself into thinking that they cared about me, or that they saw me as beautiful. In reality, I was just one of many women that they would see that day. After work I would come home and dedicate around 4 hours to my addiction. This continued for roughly one month. Finally, I broke down. The thought of being recorded and having people I love see those videos drove me to insanity. I was constantly worried about being recognized. When I went to the mall, I felt that every man in the mall knew who I was and what I had done. 

I never used cam-shows. But I've also never seen this whole thing like this before. Considering that the girls there might be just an addict too seems somehow scary to me. And just in this moment I feel disgusted by the idea of men masturbating to this.

I decided to kill myself.

No need for this. ;)


It is strong to admit that you have a problem and that you can't do it on your own.  I wish that I was that strong.
Since then, I have quit the chatrooms. I still have nightmares about finding recordings of myself. Pornography is still an ongoing struggle that I wish I could quit. I have tried many times since the age of 15 to stop watching it, but I have never been successful for more than a month or two. Any advice, prayers, or camaraderie would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening to the pain pornography has caused in my life, I hope that it can help in yours.

The best advice is probably to stop now. Participate here on this forum regularly. You will see that people here are cooperative.

You've got my compasion. All the best.

Jverhoye

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2014, 12:32:37 PM »
Welcome kaybee!  You have found a very supportive community.  I admire your strength for enduring what you have at such a young age.  You will probably get advice here to seek professional help, find a support group and start the process of "recovery."  Those are all very important, but so is taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time.  Be kind to yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Know that better times are ahead for you.  You will find fellow Christians here and non-believers too.  Everyone I've encountered has been generous with support and feedback.  Keep us updated on how you are doing and don't be afraid to ask for prayers and any other help you deserve and need.  You are worth the effort you will put into your recovery!

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2014, 11:51:22 PM »

I never used cam-shows. But I've also never seen this whole thing like this before. Considering that the girls there might be just an addict too seems somehow scary to me. And just in this moment I feel disgusted by the idea of men masturbating to this.


It is really disgusting an scary, I'm glad that stuck to you. I promise you, the exact same story is true for a lot of women working in the porn industry. If you're interested you could check out this video from two women who left the industry -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRZZAuPyG7I
Just a warning though, the video doesn't have any graphic photos on it, but the adds to the side do. So maybe go fullscreen or cover that side if you're going to watch it. They also discuss in detail some of their experiences, so if you feel like that could be an issue for you, don't watch it. But it is very informative and I learnt a lot from it. It's definitely an eye opener about the industry and will make you think twice, even beyond your own personal reasons for not watching.
Thanks for welcoming me to the community! This seems like a great site. I'm thinking about joining that April challenge that is going on now.

Viper

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2014, 08:14:07 PM »
You're absolutely right, admitting you have a problem and seeking help takes strength. Nothing weak about it.
Sometimes when I was looking at porn, I can't help but think that the woman in the images is someone's daughter, sister, cousin, friend, etc.
But all I cared about is what she can do to get myself off  :(

May I ask if you're in college or if you have a job?
You don't have to specify.
I ask because of your age and if you're doing anything that requires a lot of your time and focus.
During the times where I was in between jobs and not studying, guess what?
I killed a lot of time fragging on video games and spanking the monkey.
Not good of course but when you have plenty of time for nothing, it's easier to slide back into that descent.
It's a dark place you know to well and I'm glad you made it out.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2014, 01:43:44 AM »
Bottom line: you are not your past, you are a strong woman for choosing to leave the world of porn, camaraderie wouldn't cut it because to tell the truth you have my respect and indeed admiration. May God help all porn addicts and those affected adversely by their behaviour.

That brought a little tear to my eye. You're right. I'm not my past. Amen, brother. My favorite phrase to repeat to myself is, "On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand."  That pretty much sums up the world of porn - a big pit of sinking sand with millions of people drowning in it.

May I ask if you're in college or if you have a job?

Yep, I'm in college. While the cams were happening I was only working part-time, so that was definitely a problem.  Now school keeps me pretty busy, but unfortunately being busy doesn't always stop me. The stress alone is sometimes enough to drive me to it. Today it was a good thing though; I really wanted to 'do a quick search' but I had to study for a big test I have tomorrow! That and the fact I'd hate to have to reset my counter. It feels really good to have a community standing beside me, and I don't want to let you guys down.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2014, 03:02:24 AM »
 
"On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand." That's innovative Kay, I definitely dig it.
Lol, I didn't think of that myself. It's a line from my favorite hym. But thanks for thinking I was so creative!

Might I add, 4 days is an awesome feat. Cravings are like emotions, you feel them for sometime and eventually they do subside.
   I've managed to do a week many times before, so I'm not too anxious yet. I can't even remember the last time I did a month though. Honestly. I've worked at bible camps for a month, and not gone a month without pornography. Life's a scary thing sometimes.

Okay so journal update!
I showed my post here to my fiancé last night. It was his first time hearing about some of the stuff I had to say. He knew about the big things, like my abusive relationship and my struggle with the cams but he didn't know all the gory little details. My man is such a rock. He took it all in stride. It definitely brought us closer together for me to open up to him like that and for him to accept me. While he isn't sure that he believes the whole pornography addiction thing, he understands that I feel it's a problem for me, so he's supporting me that way. I guess he hasn't seen the whole of my addiction because I definitely do try to hide it from him when I feel ashamed of myself. I told him about the April Challenge and we agreed to do it together. :)  One of the difficult parts of our relationship is that he does watch pornography, but it isn't an addiction for him. I have conflicted opinions on that. I've made it clear that once we are married and able to have sex then it is absolutely forbidden, but for right now I don't feel confident in asking him to stop. It really bothers me to think of him enjoying other women that way, but I feel like a hypocrite asking him to stop when I can't even stop myself. What about you guys? How would you feel if your SO was watching porn? Do they? I don't know if I'm just making excuses for us right now because we're waiting until marriage to have sex, or if I'm just so used to the idea that men watch porn, that's just the way it is or what.  All I know is he's the one for me, and this is a problem we both have to work on together. Thanks everyone for all your support so far, I really appreciate it.

Viper

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2014, 05:36:54 AM »
Quote


Okay so journal update!
I showed my post here to my fiancé last night. It was his first time hearing about some of the stuff I had to say. He knew about the big things, like my abusive relationship and my struggle with the cams but he didn't know all the gory little details. My man is such a rock. He took it all in stride. It definitely brought us closer together for me to open up to him like that and for him to accept me. While he isn't sure that he believes the whole pornography addiction thing, he understands that I feel it's a problem for me, so he's supporting me that way. I guess he hasn't seen the whole of my addiction because I definitely do try to hide it from him when I feel ashamed of myself. I told him about the April Challenge and we agreed to do it together. :)  One of the difficult parts of our relationship is that he does watch pornography, but it isn't an addiction for him. I have conflicted opinions on that. I've made it clear that once we are married and able to have sex then it is absolutely forbidden, but for right now I don't feel confident in asking him to stop. It really bothers me to think of him enjoying other women that way, but I feel like a hypocrite asking him to stop when I can't even stop myself. What about you guys? How would you feel if your SO was watching porn? Do they? I don't know if I'm just making excuses for us right now because we're waiting until marriage to have sex, or if I'm just so used to the idea that men watch porn, that's just the way it is or what.  All I know is he's the one for me, and this is a problem we both have to work on together. Thanks everyone for all your support so far, I really appreciate it.

I guess I'm different than most people when it comes to courtship. Every woman I'm involved with knows what I do and what I like. If they can't accept that, than we have to move on and vice versa.
For example, I can't have a girlfriend who smokes even though I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone else smoking. I just don't want it around me. If I come across a PYT that smokes, than being her boyfriend is out of the question and I would not want anyone to quit smoking for me. If that's what they do, then so be it.
Same goes for alcohol. I really don't think there is anything wrong with drinking alcohol. It's abusing alcohol that I can't jive with either. Funny thing is, I used to hit bars/nightclubs a lot and still didn't really drink. Ok, one glass at the most but I was fortunate to never get caught up into alcohol like a few of my friends when I was your age. If my S.O. were to dump me now because of the porn, than that's a choice she made that apparently she wanted no part of. By the way, I have dated someone who told me that porn and jacking off was a no-no. That was her clause so you have to figure out what yours is.

Now here's where it gets kinda tricky for me and some of you may not like my next comment;
I really don't have a problem with pornography in general. I think the adult entertainment industry has it's place in a free country like United States where I believe consenting adults have the free will to engage in that if they choose.
I can make the choice weather I want to patronize that or not. Same with smoking. I don't blame porn for my problems. I blame myself for allowing it to take me to new lows.
So if porn is a no-no for you and you have a S.O. who doesn't agree because he's not an addict, that's something you have to reconcile. I don't think you're being a hypocrite because by definition, you too are trying to rid yourself of it.

I can speak a lot more on the subject because the issue here goes far beyond just porn. Once you throw things like religion and marriage in the mix, then it makes it more complicated. I will spare the readers my soapbox on that but if any of you want to private message me for my take, please feel free to do so.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2014, 08:58:09 PM »
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!)
somethingelse, you're right. It would be great if we were both completely out of the habit by the time we get married, then it wouldn't even be a concern.
Today is a concern though. Today is haaaaaaaaaard.
Also, am I breaking some rules here? I've noticed other people write "P" or "PMO". Should I be doing that? Am I being a stumbling block? I've just never been one for shorthand. . . As evidenced by that novel I wrote for an introduction. . .

Jverhoye

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2014, 09:09:51 PM »
Use shorthand or don't use it.  It is a personal preference.  It's not important.  What's important is that you're here and you're engaged in the process. 

Viper

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2014, 09:15:12 PM »
Quote
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!) 

Ok, the bridge is yours to cross. Hold her steady-

Rainiegirl

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2014, 11:44:56 PM »
Hi there and welcome. I'm a fully recovered porn addict. I won't say that the urge isint still ther but its very easy to ignore now. I never got as deep as you but I can see how you got there. I new my problem was out of hand when rape porn was the only thing that did it for me, and I'm a victim of rape. I was able to recover because of my kids. The thought of me messing myself up so badly was too much. I wanted to be better for them. I would get your boyfriend to look at yourbrainonporn. At the least he might get some understanding about your addiction. I find it helpful. He realy should quit himself for your sake if not his own. That uneasy feeling you get over him watching it will only get worse. You don't want to enter a relationship that way.

shake19

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2014, 04:50:21 AM »
Hi kaybee!

I've read your story and I see that you was getting really deep into it (by the way, as many of us). It is great that you managed to say STOP and you are fighting those bad things so they will be only the past. Create your future by present and the present is the time when you should enjoy your life without P, cams etc. and you should be proud of yourself that you've made such a choice. Most people don't recognize this problem and everyday is making them more blind for a real life. Coming to your boyfriend I would definitely recommend you to talk to him about your opinion, try showing him www.yourbrainonporn.com, but still - don't be too intrusive, it must be his own choice, anything what is forced won't work. Don't seek for any explanation for him. PMO is the sin the same before as after the marriage, PMO is an addiction that is ruining mentality eventhough sometimes we may not be aware about this. Stay confident that getting rid of this addiction is the only good way to live, the God surely didn't create us to masturbate and watch pornography.

Good luck! I am glad to have you here.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2014, 07:29:46 AM »
Viper, maybe I should clarify that my fiance and I both feel porn is forbidden after marriage. Clearly that is going to be easier said then done, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  (He's addicted to cigarettes, so maybe I can convince him to quit that while I quit this... muwahaha!)
somethingelse, you're right. It would be great if we were both completely out of the habit by the time we get married, then it wouldn't even be a concern.
Today is a concern though. Today is haaaaaaaaaard.
Also, am I breaking some rules here? I've noticed other people write "P" or "PMO". Should I be doing that? Am I being a stumbling block? I've just never been one for shorthand. . . As evidenced by that novel I wrote for an introduction. . .

You are glorious. I don't know about your status as a "rule breaker" and frankly we could probably compare docket sheets. I'm one of those that started using P and PMO and PIV and such in my journal. I started doing this because it might be a trigger for someone else. In other words, I did it thinking of the reactions of others. What I didn't expect is how it would affect me.

Using these "codes" takes away the dirty. It isn't as interesting. It is less emotionally charged. I can distance myself from that thing. "My husband has an issue with PMO" is an easier pill.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fabulously filthy mouth and imagination for an old lady. I usually used it for comic relief. My husband always found it charming and funny because it wasn't the relationship we had. It was funny and affirming for me because I knew he loved me for who I was, my brain, not because of my delightfully libidinous locution. That changed somewhere. Talking dirty became something sickly serious and without humor, a need and hit to the brain stem. He stopped seeing me as his lover, wife, a person. It didn't matter if I said it or if he read it or heard it on a video. I stopped being magical for him.

The first time we were intimate after discovering the PMO issue, he called me names like in a P. It wasn't funny or magical or endearing.

I'm going to use P and PMO codes for the full words. You are free to use what you need to use.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2014, 07:32:13 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2014, 11:29:14 AM »
Don't get me wrong. I have a fabulously filthy mouth and imagination for an old lady. I usually used it for comic relief. My husband always found it charming and funny because it wasn't the relationship we had. It was funny and affirming for me because I knew he loved me for who I was, my brain, not because of my delightfully libidinous locution. That changed somewhere. Talking dirty became something sickly serious and without humor, a need and hit to the brain stem. He stopped seeing me as his lover, wife, a person. It didn't matter if I said it or if he read it or heard it on a video. I stopped being magical for him.

The first time we were intimate after discovering the PMO issue, he called me names like in a P. It wasn't funny or magical or endearing.


You've just made me realize something about myself and I don't like it. Yuck. I've definitely asked my fiance to call me dirty names,  which he didn't enjoy doing at all. I thought I was being sexy. How did I not connect that with my past? Seriously. I read your message and I was like, oh. That makes sense.  Well, I guess I have some apologizing to do.   :-\  I never used to be one for swearing either. I swore in front of my sister in law once and she honestly fell off her chair, haha!  I guess there's some more evidence of how P can change your brain.   I read what the rest of you said and I have some replies to make later, but I've got to run to class.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2014, 07:08:02 PM »
Well, I had to reset my counter. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I couldn't make the whole month. I know that 2 weeks is a good start, but I wish I could have held on. I finished my classes on Monday, and since then I have been stressed out about finals, finding a job, and missing my fiancé. It all just piled up on me last night, and before I could even stop and ask myself what I was doing, I had failed. I'm bummed but I'm also glad that I made it this far, and that I have a group of people to be accountable to. I think my fiancé is starting to understand what a problem this is for me. He saw how upset I was when I told him I failed, and that I clearly wasn't able to control myself.  The good thing is I know what I can do to stop myself from doing it again. Late nights + Stress + Internet = Failure.  The hard part is just going to be reminding myself that in the long run, giving up won't make my problems go away.  I. CAN. DO. THIS.

Jverhoye

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2014, 08:35:53 PM »
Yes, you can do this!  You are creating mindfulness and awareness of your "Triggers" and your "Acting Out Cycle."  This is huge stuff and will only give you focus and direction for where you want to be and why you want to be there.  Stay strong and keep us informed.  We are all cheering you on!

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #17 on: April 12, 2014, 09:47:01 PM »
Thanks Jverhoye =)

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2014, 02:34:39 PM »
Well, I had to reset my counter. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I couldn't make the whole month. I know that 2 weeks is a good start, but I wish I could have held on. I finished my classes on Monday, and since then I have been stressed out about finals, finding a job, and missing my fiancé. It all just piled up on me last night, and before I could even stop and ask myself what I was doing, I had failed. I'm bummed but I'm also glad that I made it this far, and that I have a group of people to be accountable to. I think my fiancé is starting to understand what a problem this is for me. He saw how upset I was when I told him I failed, and that I clearly wasn't able to control myself.  The good thing is I know what I can do to stop myself from doing it again. Late nights + Stress + Internet = Failure.  The hard part is just going to be reminding myself that in the long run, giving up won't make my problems go away.  I. CAN. DO. THIS.

Hey Kiddo,

I'd like to point out a few things that might suggest SUCCESS, rather than the Failure word.

1.) You didn't lie to yourself or others about what happened. This is a big ol' marker on the path to success, not failure. You stumbled, admitted the stumble and got right back up. Failure is when you stumble, decide to stumble some more or simply don't admit it was a stumble.

2.) You know the triggers, but don't blame others or the situation. You know the everyday mayhem of living isn't going to disappear. There will always be stress and the means to return to the old ways, yet you did't fall into that trap and just give it up and stop posting.

3.) Compunction Junction. Compunction is the guilt, embarrassment of doing something wrong. Distilling that into fuel for continuing to drive your own destiny is just fantastic. I wanna learn this.

Let that light shine on,
SORP

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #19 on: April 16, 2014, 04:02:45 AM »
Thanks SORP! I know you're right, but I'm still feeling bummed about it. Hubris is the word of the month, I guess. I was getting a little too cocky, looking at the numbers climbing up on my ticker. I do have a victory to report though! I was deleting my history yesterday, partly to stop a certain website from popping up when I went to type things into the search bar, and partly because I was just plain disgusted with myself. Anyways, I accidentally clicked on the website instead of clicking delete, so it popped up. But instead of allowing myself an "accidental glance" I threw my hands in front of the screen and clicked the X as fact as I could! I was so proud of myself! I didn't even hesitate, I just did what I had to do to stop it.  ;D

I think one of the main reasons I didn't make it last time was because I hadn't really put it in my head that it was the last time. I was just telling myself, see if you can get to the end of the month. Honestly, this time there is still that doubt in the back of my head saying, well if you're going to try again for May, why don't you just do what you want until then? So why don't I? Because porn is wrong. Because it destroys lives, marriages, and minds. Because I don't like who I am when I am watching porn. I don't like the dark places my mind goes after seeing image after brutal image. I hate that I automatically associate certain words with porn, and I can't separate that from my lexicon. I hate that I see women as objects. I hate that I waste my time watching porn when I could be out doing so many better things. I hate hiding part of who I am when I talk to my family. I hate that moment when I've accidentally seen too much, and I'm not sure if it's rape or staged, underaged or 'barely legal', assault or fetish. I hate that I have to ask myself why I was there in the first place. I hate that those images never, ever, ever leave my mind. I hate that I am the kind of person who experiences those problems and doesn't know what to do about it. I hate that pornography makes me feel weak and worthless.

I ran into another problem as well this week. The boy who abused me in high school happened to be the younger brother of by older brother's best friend. I never told anyone in my family what happened between us, so occasionally he still comes up in conversation. It's been a while since I heard about him, but my brother just told me that he got accepted to the same college that my little brother is going to.  He got all excited, saying he's going to befriend him, and the two groups of brothers can hang out together and stuff like that. I know I should say something, but I just can't. And it's been so long now that I don't want to drag up ancient history.  I've made my peace with what happened, I've moved on, I've healed. But it just stings so much to think of my brother being friends with a man like that. And I'm afraid that if I did come clean about what happened, then they wouldn't believe me. Or that they would say it's not a real thing, because technically there's not a name for that kind of thing.  I don't know. It's just a really stressful situation. I wanted to tell somebody about it, seeing as I can't tell them.    :-\

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2014, 04:33:46 AM »
Woohoo! One week in! It's been a really good week so far, I've done well in my exams, I got a summer job, and I got closer with an old friend. I'm counting my blessings this week. I haven't been tempting myself with my addiction.  I'm also really proud of my boyfriend because he has kept his promise and stayed off of P all month so far. It means a lot to me that he's sticking with it even though I messed up. I hope he notices a difference for himself!

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2014, 04:01:23 PM »
Woohoo! One week in! It's been a really good week so far, I've done well in my exams, I got a summer job, and I got closer with an old friend. I'm counting my blessings this week. I haven't been tempting myself with my addiction.  I'm also really proud of my boyfriend because he has kept his promise and stayed off of P all month so far. It means a lot to me that he's sticking with it even though I messed up. I hope he notices a difference for himself!

Great news. Shine on!

CyrusG

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2014, 10:18:58 PM »
Kaybee,

I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #23 on: April 23, 2014, 08:44:09 PM »
Kaybee,

I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.

Welcome to Reboot Nation, Cyrus! I hope you find everything you're looking for here. :)
You know, everyone says they never got in "as deep" as me, or that they had to exhale longer than usual after my story, and things like that. But really, I feel like everyone has their own rock bottoms. Sexcams were definitely mine, but I don't see that as any worse or any better than what other people have experienced. If that hadn't been the straw to break the camel's back, then something else would have been.  All of us Rebootinaters had that moment when we looked at ourselves and went, what's wrong with me? 

Anyways, I'm now twelve days in. Two more days and I'll beat my record! (Since I started keeping track anyway) Seeing as I have exams all week, and then I'm going away for the weekend, I'm pretty confident I can keep myself busy enough not to stumble!  The best part of this reboot process is that I feel so much closer to my fiance. I didn't even realize that I had been putting up a wall until I felt it coming down. I find myself thinking about him more often, and appreciating the little things that he does.  To all you Reboot Partners out there, I apologize on behalf of all of us. We honestly don't know how much we're holding back. But it feels soooo good to be supported! 
The hardest thing right now is that all the stress has been giving me acne like you wouldn't believe. On the bright side, my reflection is an automatic turn off whenever I get revved up! Hahaha, just kidding. But it's pretty bad.  Has anyone else experienced that?

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #24 on: April 28, 2014, 02:03:08 PM »
Alright, 16 days! I have beaten my record from my first reboot, and that feels pretty good. :)
I actually had a dream last night that I was watching porn. I was Skyping my fiancee, and he had bought 2 dozen yellow roses for our anniversary,  and he was being super romantic and sweet, but I kept switching tabs and looking at videos. Sadly, I have done similar things in real life, so when I woke up I wasn't 100% sure if it had happened or not. Thankfully, it was just a really stupid dream. It feels good to feel that part of me switching more "off" every day. I'm struggling with some insomnia though. I think it's mostly because I had made that my habit to watch some videos before going to sleep, and now I'm unaccustomed. I've switched to youtube videos, mostly makeup tutorials and documentaries, but I think I should stop that too. I should be able to be alone with my thoughts long enough to fall asleep.  Anyways, I was able to sleep in today and it's going to be a good day. :D