Author Topic: Women's Addiction  (Read 58656 times)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #125 on: November 13, 2014, 03:08:07 AM »
I'm going crazy today! I've been so tempted to look at P! More than I have in the last 80 days or so! I don't know if it's the stress, or playing that game, or just thinking about P. I don't know that anything in particular has been triggering it, it just keeps popping into my head. I'm so tempted to M to get rid of the urges, but I'm afraid that if I do then the images will start flooding into my mind. Aug! All this free time is definitely not good for me. I tried to spend as much time as possible with my parents today to keep my mind off of it. I need to think of a better coping method quick or I know I'm going to slip up!!!

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #126 on: November 13, 2014, 06:17:19 PM »
Well I made it through that particular crazy window of withdrawals. I ended up going out for coffee with a friend until 5 am! By the time I can home I was too tired to even think of anything but sleep. It's a good thing I have some crazy people in my life to keep me occupied.

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #127 on: November 13, 2014, 09:04:07 PM »
Hang in there, Kaybee. Thinking of you.

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #128 on: November 14, 2014, 12:34:46 AM »
Kaybee you are doing great.
I'm still very proud of you and to know that you have come a long way.
Yes you will have urges.
Yes you have things to deal with, e.g. the emotional stress of breaking up with the BF, etc.
All of this will be like triggers to go back to PMO.
Glad for you that there are crazy friends that can occupy you.
I seriously think that you must start this dance, hobby, activity, stress reliever. It can only be good for you!

I'm so happy that you pulled through the serious urges. Obviously, keeping on thinking about it does not help soooo... keep your mind occuplied with the positive things and activities.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing! 8)


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #129 on: November 15, 2014, 04:45:16 AM »
Well, I was left alone today. The entire day. I had a one hour break from my solitude to see my counselor who was of no help. I'm being harsh, but I only get to see him for one hour every two to three weeks, and if he talks the whole time I get a little pissed. I mentioned I was afraid of slipping back into my addiction, and he chose to focus instead on my fear of moving out. I tried to bring it back to my addiction a couple times and he didn't offer me any immediate advice for dealing with it.
So what did I do? I went home, cried, poured myself a shot at 4:30 in the afternoon, drank it, looked at the empty glass and asked myself what the hell I thought I was doing. Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself. I got up and masturbated, completely emotionlessly, then went back and sat on the couch and watched another movie, and opened a box of crackers.
I feel like I have no idea how to cope with my life any more. I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit. I seriously considered going back to Chatroulette last night, which was where I started my downward spiral last time. I know it's bad for me, but I also know that if a woman goes on there she is persistently flattered and adored in the hopes that she'll take her clothes off. That in itself is an addictive feeling. I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from. My ex-fiance loved me completely and I let that go, that was my choice. I don't know why I suddenly feel like I'm worthless. I should feel proud of myself for making a hard choice, that's how everyone else is looking at the situation. I just honestly feel so alone and unloved right now, and I know that's not true, but it's how I feel and I can't get myself out of it.

justaguy

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #130 on: November 15, 2014, 07:33:13 AM »
Hang in there, it's hard I'm sure. Do it for yourself and so that when you meet Mr. Right you will be ready for a real relationship. I ruined 2 relationships because of PMO, there's nothing I can do to change that. Don't give in, you can beat this.

Yelashade

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #131 on: November 15, 2014, 04:22:51 PM »
Quote
Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself.

Maybe you should plan what you're going to do for the next day the night before. It's a good way of making sure you get things done and, even if you're upset or down in the dumps, you have some sense of purpose for the day.

Quote
I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit.

I think you should stop using Tinder as a distraction because 1. you have just gotten out of a long term relationship with someone and 2. it's acting as an alternate form of artificial stimuli. After a period of time (and you'll know when), you can use it if you're serious about getting men.

Quote
I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from.

Who doesn't love attention from the opposite sex (if you're straight)? As a girl, it is very easy for you to obtain that and, when you're feeling vulnerable, it's an easy fix to your problems. To avoid this, I would suggest that you keep yourself as distracted as you possibly can. It's so easy to say because that pathetic, numb, sinking feeling you get when you're down in the dumps is difficult to waver mentally and it could take hours to come out of. I think you need to constantly remind yourself about why you're doing this and that your reactions/feelings are just part of the withdrawal process.

I know what I said is stuff that you can figure out for yourself, but I think it's nice to hear it from someone else to validate its importance. Hang in there, Kaybee, you've done really well so far! :)
"Take me to a place, where I can't feel my face, and I'm half the man I think I'm supposed to be." - Krizz Kaliko


PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #132 on: November 16, 2014, 03:33:58 PM »
Hi Kaybee

You are a strong woman, You are just in a tight spot with a lot going on.

Yelashade has offered good advice. Maybe even better than my best attempts so read it again and get re-focused.

Stay strong and be BLESSED!


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #133 on: November 22, 2014, 03:07:30 AM »
Joke from my friend C that I thought you guys would like. When he told it, there was no lead up and I thought we were about to have a very serious conversation:

"So I think I've been masturbating too much. I went to the doctor for a physical the other day and she was like,"Wow, C, you really need to stop masturbating!" And I said, "Why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!" "

I just laughed and shook my head and said, "Omg. I'm totally putting that on Rebootnation."  :P

That's all for right now. It's been a long, exhausting week and if I make a big post now it will be too negative. I'm doing significantly better than I was the last time I posted, and I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm hanging in here.

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #134 on: November 22, 2014, 02:21:33 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Very relevant for reboot nation.

Well Glad that you are doing so great. Keep us posted!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #135 on: November 29, 2014, 01:25:53 PM »
I'm back!
I have positive news and not-so-positive news.
Positive:
130 days without porn. I know it's not a big significant number, but it's still huge.
I found out I made the Dean's List for my college! Top 5%!!!! (I don't care if that's not what this forum is for, I'm freaking PROUD!)
I stopped using Tinder obsessively.
My practicum for this semester is over, and I only have one more week of classes before Christmas break.

Negative:
My acne is back in full force, possibly from stress, possibly from me not taking care of myself.
I have significantly increased the amount of time per week that I spend M-ing. (I never stopped myself from it before, so long as I wasn't fantasizing about porn, but now it has gotten out of hand)
I messed up big time and sent sexy snapchats to a guy I met on Tinder.

These problems are coming from me not knowing who I am as a sexual being. **Trigger alert if listening to confused sexual ramblings does it for you**
 First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.
The biggest issue I am having is fantasizing. Before, I used to imagine me and my fiancee, but now it's obviously too painful. My body still wants to M, but my mind is confused. It goes back to encounters I've had with other men, but the limitations on that number sometimes lead to me remembering my rape while M-ing. That hurts a lot more, and its scary. So on a couple instances I started thinking about porn. Some times I haven't been sure if what I am imagining is pornography or not. What is the difference between imagining oneself in a situation, and imagining a scene you've watched? Are they not both detrimental? I don't know what I'm drawing on for my fantasies anymore, so it's become a concern.
As for the guy from Tinder, I have been talking to him for a while. I don't actually feel much of a connection to him, but I initiated a sexy snap conversation that went way too far. I told myself I would never "sext", because it's a stupid, dangerous thing to do. Then I got bored and horny and next thing you know... I feel bad about it. I'm not destroyed but I'm shaking my head at myself and wondering why I would do that in the first place. I'm also embarrassed with myself because it lasted for hours, even after I stopped being into it. I just kept going because I felt that I had to. I absolutely despise that sense of compulsion. It's not how I want to feel, ever.
So long story short, I've messed up but I've learnt from it. I've just got to keep going.

Yelashade

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #136 on: November 29, 2014, 04:34:48 PM »
Congrats on the 130 days and making it onto the Dean's List! Don't worry about the latter not being part of this forum, it's these things (both positive and negative) that are a result from your reboot, so you should be proud :D

Heh, what you said about M is pretty much exactly what I'm feeling now. I want to M and my mind wanders back to to previous encounters or it twists occasions where I could have had sex but didn't. Nothing P related though. I'm sorry to hear you still think about your rape situation when you M, I can't imagine how awful that is :\. As for imagining scenes from P, well that's detrimental to your reboot and I think you know that lol. If that's what's happening, then straight up stop your M and carry on your reboot as you were before. If your mind is bordering P, you'll slowly sink back and that's not what you want.

I really think you need to have a long think about yourself and what you want to do etc. I'd say again what I said before about keeping yourself distracted haha, best solution! No time to act on your urges :P

I just had a read of this, I hope it helps reinforce what I said :)

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-about-fantasizing-during-reboot

Good luck!
« Last Edit: November 29, 2014, 04:36:40 PM by Yelashade »
"Take me to a place, where I can't feel my face, and I'm half the man I think I'm supposed to be." - Krizz Kaliko


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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #137 on: November 29, 2014, 09:32:33 PM »
Kaybee,

You've made some really great strides in tackling the addiction, but like you said in your last post - it is a struggle finding the "real Kaybee".

Quote
First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-to-know-yourself-what-you-like-and-what-you-want-in-life/


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #138 on: December 02, 2014, 01:02:57 AM »
Yelashade... I am so unbelievably busy, but I still make time for moping around and going online. Trust me, I have much better things to be doing. The trouble is that when I get in these moods I just stop caring. I think that no matter what activity I'm doing, I'm still going to try and blow it off to procrastinate. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying I'm not willing to fix it right now.  :-\
Thanks for that article SORP, it really is a struggle. I have so many decisions I have to make right now, and I don't know how to make them without even knowing who I am.  I was offered a promotion at work, and a full-time position. My bosses were prepared to train me for advancement in the future, and I really can see a future for myself there. The catch is I would have to quit school. I considered it because I'm not doing very well in school at the moment. I'm not motivated, and I can't focus on any assignments or readings.
But the kicker was when I thought, "Well, if I give up on school, it's saying my rapist wins. It's saying I'm letting him decide how I feel and how those emotions effect my life. If I stay in school, I win because I'm not letting my rape dictate my future". Then I just got really, really angry because I shouldn't be making my decisions based on being a rape victim. Also because I shouldn't BE a rape victim. It was hard to rule that out of the equation and just ask myself what I really want to do, and how God can use me.
So I've decided to stay in my college to become a teacher, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. I have this idea of me teaching Health class to grade 9's, and talking about important issues like sexual assault and pornography addiction. (Although I don't know if I would even be ALLOWED to be a teacher if people knew about my past...)
Anyways, update on the addiction: I M'd today while online.  I started looking at sexy pictures, but stopped myself. I knew exactly what I was doing and did it anyways because I was wallowing in self-pity. Then just as I typed that I tried to convince myself to go back to the pictures, but I will not. I'm angry, but I'm not going to let me screw myself over just because I'm having a rough day.

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #139 on: December 02, 2014, 02:39:59 AM »
HI Kaybee

Thanx for bringing us on speed about what is going on in your life.

First of all congratz on all the accomplishments and positive things going on in your life.
You sure can be proud of yourself!

The negatives are not nice to deal with, however they are reality and needs to be addressed...!
Even if it will be painful!
I can imagine how difficult it it must be to deal with all this issues and basically be all by yourself.
I know that RN is there with all its "friends" and faithful followers, giving support, a listening ear and some good advice.
But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

I want you to sit down and take stock of what you have gained during the last 130 + days. You have come a long way and have been through some real tough times. You are a strong woman and have accomplished a lot.
You already know what you don't want, and you know that it is affecting you in a bad way. Remind yourself of how bad it is and that the down side is far greater than the gain of what you want to accomplish.
Relate the bad to Pain.
And the good to Pleasure.
When the Pain is more than the Pleasure, it will be easier to make the transition to stay away from the pain.
If you still find it difficult to do that, imagine yourself a year, tow, five, ten, years from now, not making that change.
Will there be more Pain than Pleasure....?
This should motivate you and keep you motivated to make the right choices and stick to them.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #140 on: December 04, 2014, 02:36:54 AM »

But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

Spot on, PMOVictory. :(  But how do I fix that? Aside from a friend and a very hard to get a hold of counselor, who can I talk to?

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #141 on: December 04, 2014, 02:11:50 PM »
HI Kaybee

It is a real predicament!
As a Christian yourself you know that you can draw a lot of support from your believe and in a way this can fill a big void.
I have read that every person have a void that only God/Christianity can fill. A lot of people want to fill this void with other stuff but this will never work.
Personally I have experienced that since I've quitted PMO, spending more time with God, the need for other "bas stuff" are less!

However it can only stretch this far!

Another thing that especially a lot of woman struggle with is a low self esteem. They measure it by the significant men in their life, especially those during their earlier years. If you can find self worth in yourself through your believe system, this can help a lot. Especially in the way you choose male friends for yourself. I'm not saying, or hinting that you might have this kind of problem. However this forum also gives the opportunity to others to read threads that might help them in what they are looking for.

I'll pray for you and your challenges, and that things will work out for the best.

Just stay strong and receive the Blessings!


CrateDane

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #142 on: December 10, 2014, 07:16:01 PM »
I wonder Kaybee, are there any support groups in your area for addicts or rape victims or heck even depression because I do get a bit of a vibe in that direction.
When I was dealing with my depression I found it  A LOT more helpful to talk to others that had been there than talking to good friends/family or even psychatrists/psychologists.
There is just something special about other people who can actually relate.
I'm not religious so I can't say whether that is enough for you but for me talking to other people who were suffering the same as me made a huge difference.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #143 on: December 11, 2014, 04:32:49 PM »
Perhaps I've been a bit too whiny on here. I'm not depressed. I'm just going through a very rough time.
My addiction is holding steady. I accidentally saw a pornographic image while I was on my phone yesterday, and I didn't dwell on it. I just clicked it away and moved on.
I saw my counselor for the first time in a month yesterday, for like 20 minutes, and I don't have an appointment with him for another month. So I'm starting to realize that that's not really working out. Maybe you're right and I should find a support group or something, but I feel like because there's so many different things coming at me, no one support group is going to be the right fit. I'll look into it though. I'll try anything to feel better again.
I'm going to try to keep these posts more upbeat.

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #144 on: December 14, 2014, 03:30:27 PM »
Thank you for your advice, guys. :)
I called my city's Sexual Assault Centre and asked about support groups. I'm going to a meeting on Wednesday, and they've set me up with additional FREE counselling as well. I'm pretty excited to be able to talk about it with people who know the feeling. The group is actually for childhood survivors of assault or abuse, but the woman I talked to said that other people with recent trauma go sometimes too.

CrateDane

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #145 on: December 14, 2014, 03:43:13 PM »
Sounds really good Kaybee, I really hope they can help you as much as my support group helped me. Takes guts just to call a centre and ask about a support group. Power to you!

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #146 on: December 15, 2014, 02:55:27 PM »
Well done Kaybee!

This is awesome news!!!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #147 on: December 19, 2014, 05:38:37 PM »
I went to the counselling and the support group. The counselling was great! I really like the woman I was talking to, she understands what I'm feeling and she doesn't let me off the hook when I try and brush past something. I had a good cry. We're meeting again after New Year's.  The support group I feel has the potential to be good. It was their Christmas party when I went, so it wasn't like their normal meetings. We just went around in a circle real quick so I could meet everyone and some people talked about what was stressing them out lately, then there was snacks and crafts. Everyone is really nice and 'supportive' which is great. (I actually got a present from them, which I have mixed feelings about. I guess people in the community donated Christmas gifts and I got a beautiful, soft blanket, some soap, and some chocolates. But.... I'm well off? Should I be taking charity? I accepted it because I was really touched and I felt it would be rude not to, but I feel kind of bad. ) There's another informal meeting on Tuesday that I'm going to.
I found out that my rapist is most likely leaving the country within a week. I feel terrible. I feel like he's getting away with what he did to me, and I'm running out of time to do something. C told me, and he thought I would be really happy, but I am so, so angry that he gets to leave without anyone knowing what he did.
I've been slipping up a lot lately. I've been purposefully allowing popups to come up that I know have like a 50% chance of being scantily clad women, then looking at them longer than necessary when they do. It's not P. But I wish it was. I also have been playing the game I mentioned a few posts ago. It's not P but it's close enough. I'm sliding into apathy again, which was the thing that lead me into relapsing the last time. I've also been sexualizing myself a lot lately. I have honestly been obsessed with finding what is pretty much a dress a stripper would wear. I have nowhere to wear that kind of dress, but I really want one. I don't know why. I don't know where I got the idea. I'm not letting myself buy one, but the fact that the thought keeps coming into my mind is driving me crazy. I don't like myself when I'm over sexualizing myself, I feel insecure and worthless and I let myself do things I regret. I know that these feelings are coming back because I've let myself slip. The number one thing I can do to stop this is to stop myself from playing that game. I think it's time to install a K9 blocker. I didn't want to before, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this alone. But it's been 150 days!!! I think it's pretty obvious I CAN do this, but I don't have to make it any harder than it already is.
(Wow 150 days! I hadn't realized!)

CrateDane

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #148 on: December 19, 2014, 07:08:45 PM »
I think you have to ask yourself, what is it you want to "do" to your rapist ?
Tell it to the police ? Tell his friends ? or what ?
Either do something about it now or let it go (as harsh as that sounds), if you let this fester for years it could do some serious harm and it would be very hard to actually do something about a year or more down the line.

Its good you went to the counselor and support group and it sounds like a good place for you to be, if you feel bad accepting the gift, is there a charity or something you could donate it to ?
Stay strong and dont make yourself into something you're not.

Rockit

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #149 on: December 21, 2014, 12:29:29 PM »
It sounds like you have met quite a few sweethearts at the support group.  Don't feel bad about taking the presents.  If anything, just know that there are people there who care about you.

And hey, have you considered donating something similar so you can help someone else who might be in a similar situation?  You were really touched.  Maybe you can touch someone else going through a rough time.

And I'd say, stop sexualizing yourself.  You seem like someone with a great personality.  Focus on that.  :)

P.S. I'm jealous that you can go the support group.  It's not something I can do in my area.  I hope it works out!
Last time PMO'd: March 31 @ 1:48am

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