Author Topic: Women's Addiction  (Read 49111 times)

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #100 on: October 03, 2014, 11:24:10 PM »
Just wanted to let you know someone was thinking kind thoughts for you today. I hope counseling went well.

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #101 on: October 07, 2014, 05:40:46 PM »
Kaybee

My heart are still aching for you. Glad there are so many good advice given to you. I really lack the skill and knowledge to be of good help in giving advice.
The best I can do is keep on praying for you.

Be blessed Sister, I know it is tough and this might not sound like what you want to hear now...


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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #102 on: October 14, 2014, 11:28:38 PM »
Dear Kaybee,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey here.  I think that you are a very strong person who has had to deal with some terrible events in your life so far.

I want to reassure you that we're all here for you and thinking of your well-being. 

Sometimes our troubles can pile up in a very short period of time and it can seem like everything is conspiring against us.  I know that it's very difficult right now, but try to stay focused on your recovery.  Specifically, picture yourself beating your addiction and how good that will feel; letting go of all the bad things that you're feeling right now.

Take it one breath at a time and know that it gets easier with practice.  ;)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #103 on: October 18, 2014, 11:20:49 AM »
Thank you guys all so much for your support. It really means the world to me that complete strangers are concerned about my well-being. I haven't been writing, but I've been checking your replies. One of the things that my assailant took away from me was my sense of trust. My motto actually used to be, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" (which, if you've seen Streetcar, is pretty ironic right about now) and I really wish that was still true. I never had a reason to mistrust people before, and now when I'm talking to a man my age, I get a little scared and that just kills me because I know he is probably just a nice man.
I've seen a therapist twice now, I wish I could see him more but he only likes to meet every two weeks. It's been really helpful to talk about what I'm feeling with someone who doesn't love me. I feel bad to bring it up with my family because it just hurts them to think about it. There's actually a part on the paperwork for the counselor that asks about addictions.... I checked yes, but when he asked me about it I said I didn't want to talk about it yet. I don't know, what do you guys think? I know, as a sexual addiction, it's probably pretty important to mention. But on the other hand, I just want to focus on getting past the rape and I don't want him to obsess on the porn addiction. I feel like I'm handling it very well. Especially since the assault, I haven't really thought about porn at all. I was really afraid that it would be a trigger but it's had the opposite effect. The last time I was in an abusive situation I thought it was my fault, and I internalized that and shamed myself and punished myself with the web cams because I thought that was all that a girl like me was good for. This time I realize that it's not my fault, and I can still be anyone I want to be. The same goes for porn. If anything, this has strengthened my resolve that porn is evil. I definitely do not need to see any more abuses taking place.

You guys aren't going to like this, but I talked to my rapist.
I feel really, really good about that. I feel more powerful and human again.
The main thing that was tearing me up about not talking to the police was that I didn't know if he would do it again to another girl. I felt pretty sure that this was just a one-time horrible decision that he made, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if he understood what he had done. (He definitely didn't realize it was my virginity he was stealing). So. One night I was supposed to go to a bar with my friend C, who was the one who drove me to the hospital, so he knew everything that was going on. C called his other friend to see if he was at the bar already, and he was and he was with my rapist. At this point, C and I were already outside of the bar. We freaked out and went next door to get ice cream instead while we decided what to do. I had already written that letter to my rapist and I was seriously considering sending it, so I said that I wanted to talk to him. Obviously C tried to talk me out of it, because he thought that would be a really bad idea. I said that I needed to, and I texted my rapist and told him to meet me outside. He came out and lit up a cigarette and was kind of like, "So? You wanted to talk?"  And as I talked to him I realized that he was trying to convince himself that it had never happened. He was like, "I'm not even sure it really happened." And I said, "How can you not be sure where you put your penis? I'm definitely sure".  And he said, "Well if that's true then I'm really sorry, and I understand why you hate me, but I don't know what you want from me now". And I very calmly told him that I was a virgin, and that he had made me bleed for three days, and that what he did was rape and that it had seriously messed me up and freaked me out.  He started crying. He said that he was trying to not believe it, and that the thought of that would haunt him every night. He honestly couldn't believe what he had done. He said, "Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" I told him that it didn't matter if I was a virgin or not, and that if someone said NO, then it was wrong to do that to them anyways, and that he should always, always, always get consent before assuming that every girl you invite over wants to sleep with you.
I seriously feel so good about that. I now feel confident that he won't ever do it again. And the image of him crying about what he did makes him seem so much more human now. I know that he's not some monster walking around, he's just a really stupid and inconsiderate college boy who made the biggest mistake of his life. I hope he tells guys what he did, and is a lesson to them. I feel like I took this situation back into my own hands, and now I can walk around with my head held high, and he should walk around with his head hung in shame. It's fantastic. I think that was the biggest step I could have taken in my healing.  I know that a lot of you probably still think that I should go to the police, but I don't feel like the punishment fits the crime. He would be expelled, and deported if the charges went through. It would completely ruin his life. And you know what? He's an asshole, but he didn't ruin my life.  I know I don't owe him anything, but I think that the knowledge that he is a rapist is enough to punish him. Trust me, I saw the expression on his face. I got my justice.

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #104 on: October 19, 2014, 03:43:57 AM »
I've never heard such a story before, and I have to admit that I'm deeply impressed. The way you faced that man was courageous and yet well-thought. I'm quite lost for words. The most important thing about it, I guess, is that you feel you can  now close that chapter for yourself. I'll tip my hat to you!

Dreieck

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #105 on: October 19, 2014, 07:50:15 AM »
Wow, i´m speechless

a hard decision you made there and i think you made it all right. if there´s a safe way for you that you can tell him that than it´s perfect and you confronted him with your feelings and he tried to understand.

Kaybee you´re awesome, i hope you take you´r time to reflect everything and protect yourself the right way


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #106 on: October 20, 2014, 10:12:27 PM »
90 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ;D I can hardly believe it!!!!  ;D   This amazing!

Therewolf

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #107 on: October 20, 2014, 10:59:04 PM »
Great job!!!!!!!! ;D

rider654321

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #108 on: October 21, 2014, 03:48:44 PM »
Congratulations on 90 days Kaybee  :D

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #109 on: October 25, 2014, 01:18:49 PM »
I'm so freaking proud of myself I can barely contain it. I've been strutting around like I own every building I walk into. I had another counselling session yesterday and some of the words I used were "powerful", "triumphant", and "beautiful".
It feels so good to be in charge of my own thoughts, and my body.
Porn isn't dragging me down and controlling my thoughts and desires anymore. Am I ever going back? Hell no.
I'm stronger than rape, stronger than addiction, and stronger than anything else life can throw at me.

rider654321

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #110 on: October 26, 2014, 11:50:12 PM »
Well done Kaybee.

You certainly deserve to feel proud.  ;)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #111 on: October 28, 2014, 01:51:58 AM »
Every time I pick myself up, someone feels the need to kick me back down.
I'm writing this from my phone, even though it's taking forever, because somebody somewhere decided to take away yet another of my basic rights. Privacy. Some a-hole has hacked into my laptop and taken over  my webcam. I discovered it recording me when I entered my room after having a shower  yesterday. Luckily I noticed it before I took off my towel, but I have no idea if this was the first time. Like I really need  to worry about naked pictures or videos of me online.. I still have nightmares about the other ones showing up. If this is somehow related, which my fiancé and friend both tell me is extremely unlikely but I' m still worried, I don't know what I  would do. How many sick perverts are in this world? Why am  I consistently a target? Am i delusional? Is this just what it's like to be a young woman now? Fuck! I did not need this, and I especially did not need this right now. I barely started getting back to school work after the rape, and now I have to sorry about this along with the added pleasure of no laptop. Hurray.  Well. At least no laptop makes abstaining from porn all the easiser? I am seriously furious though. Just furious.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #112 on: October 28, 2014, 05:25:10 AM »
Every time I pick myself up, someone feels the need to kick me back down.
I'm writing this from my phone, even though it's taking forever, because somebody somewhere decided to take away yet another of my basic rights. Privacy. Some a-hole has hacked into my laptop and taken over  my webcam. I discovered it recording me when I entered my room after having a shower  yesterday. Luckily I noticed it before I took off my towel, but I have no idea if this was the first time. Like I really need  to worry about naked pictures or videos of me online.. I still have nightmares about the other ones showing up. If this is somehow related, which my fiancé and friend both tell me is extremely unlikely but I' m still worried, I don't know what I  would do. How many sick perverts are in this world? Why am  I consistently a target? Am i delusional? Is this just what it's like to be a young woman now? Fuck! I did not need this, and I especially did not need this right now. I barely started getting back to school work after the rape, and now I have to sorry about this along with the added pleasure of no laptop. Hurray.  Well. At least no laptop makes abstaining from porn all the easiser? I am seriously furious though. Just furious.

Duck (Duct) tape. On. The. Lens.

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #113 on: October 28, 2014, 04:02:15 PM »
Hi Kaybee

Since we are on vacation and not having the luxury of internet access on a regular basis I have been missing out on a lot. So I'm going to take it in sequence.

Firstly, I'm proud of YOU!!! The action you took in the decision of facing your offender is awesome. It took a lot of courage but sure you kicked his ass. This sure was not easy! I know... but it was the right thing to do. You acted according to Scripture and it worked! Praise God for that.

The 90 day free from PMO... WOW!!!
This is great and yes going back is no option.
Once a person has tasted the sweet reward of being PMO FREE why should he / she go back...?
There is more to life than PMO!

Sorry to hear about the attack on the laptop. Sure there are a lot of sick people out there! I'm just glad that you found out about it.

Just a little caution, I would not recommend sticking any duct tape over the webcam lens, the glue will be difficult to get off and may damage the lens. rather take something like a band aid and let the soft part cover the lens.

Then it will be a good idea to let some expert take care of it when you have the funds to get it done.

Over all, you are doing great and we all are happy for you!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #114 on: October 29, 2014, 01:29:24 AM »
PMOVictory, I feel so honored that you would take time while on vacation to reply to me. That in itself is a blessing :) As for the duct tape, I already put a post it note over the lens and took  it into a free IT service on my University campus. He suggested going to the police, "but its my choice". Sound familiar? No one ever says that to victims of  theft or something like that.... Just saying.  Anyways, I guess I'll do that tomorrow but I don't know what they will find. One they're done with it, I have to get it all redone.  I'm not furious tonight, just mildly indignant.
I did want to mention that I shared a poem with my counselor that I wrote about my experience, and he really liked it and asked if he could share it with other women going through the same thing. I love to think that my words could help someone heal. :D that would be pretty sweet.   


PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #115 on: October 30, 2014, 12:59:10 AM »
Kaybee

Thank you for your kind words.

Since getting off PMO myself I have this passion for helping others getting off it as well. I am busy preparing a series of presentations that I will be presenting in the near future at mens and woman christian camps, for a start. This coming Friday and Saturday I will do a life recording on DVD of my presentations. This is a God send, as I did not plan on it, and are still on vacation, but it will be done professionally and believe it or not free of charge. Then I would be able to give it out as well to others in need. This is what the Lord are doing in my life since ridding this secret vice out of my life.
As a matter of fact I was busy researching some more just before logging in on to RN to see how all the rebooters are doing.
Would you mind sharing your poem with me. I will give you credit for it, it might be something that I can use and also by that help and inspire others. You could PM it to me.
Apart from that, I am happy that you are doing so great with the reboot and everything that has come your way.
As I know you are a Christian I would like to share the following with you.
1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Now if you look at the original Greek of the word escape. According to the Strong's dictionary.
Escape g1545. ἔκβασις ekbasis; from a compound of 1537 and the base of 939 (meaning to go out); an exit (literally or figuratively):— end, way to escape.
AV (2)- way of escape 1, end 1;
 an egress, way out, exit applied figuratively to the way of escape from temptation the issue referring to the end of one's life Heb 13: 7 refers not only to end of physical life, but the manner in which they closed a well spent life as exhibited by their spirit in dying
( STRONG)

You can see that a way will be provided to get out of the situation.
And if you look at the original Greek of the word bear.
Bear g5297. ὑποφέρω hypopherō; from 5259 and 5342; to bear from underneath, i. e. ( figuratively) to undergo hardship: — bear, endure.
 AV ( 3)- endure 2, bear 1;
 to bear by being under, bear up ( a thing placed on one's shoulders) to bear patiently, to endure
( STRONG)

So to sum it up:

With the temptation a way out of it will be provided. And you will be able to endure it.

I hope this will give you some encouragement and that it might also help others as they may read it.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!


shake19

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #116 on: October 30, 2014, 07:09:21 AM »
Hi kaybee!

Congratulations on your 90 days out of PMO! It is healing for me to see how the others win their lifes back after such an addiction.

Concerning those weirdos who want to spy on you - the easiest way is to format your computer and forget about them.

Live your beautiful life that you've earned.

Congratulations again and keep being awesome. :)

Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #117 on: October 31, 2014, 02:54:11 AM »
I would love to share my poem with you,  PMOVictory! Thank you so much for asking.  I'll send it to you once I have a real computer for typing again.  And I wish you the best of luck on your videos. Is there any possibility to share those on the site? They sound like they could be very informative. It's so amazing to see God arrnage things to suit his will. What à blessing! And Shake, I'm  so glad you're back with us!
PS ... 100 days! Triple digits! :D

PMOVictory

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #118 on: October 31, 2014, 10:46:54 PM »
Thank you Kaybee, I really appreciate it.

Due to some preparations that I still need to do, the recordings will only happen on Sunday, this is great coz it will give me time to put the final touches to the presentations. If for whatever reason you get chance to let me have that poem before then I could possibly use it as well.

One thing I forgot to mention regarding 1 Corinthians 10:13 where it says "who will not suffer you to be tempted". This suffer in the original Greek means, and you will not believe it... Here it comes... leave, let alone
Now this is great news. You see God through His Son are as a result of our pain and heart ship not leaving us to suffer all by ourselves. When my Saviour see me suffer He aces with me as a result of the heart ship that I am enduring.
WOW! What a promise from a loving God that we serve!

Stay strong and be Blessed sister!


justaguy

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #119 on: November 03, 2014, 01:56:56 PM »
Hi, thanks for your post. I'm sorry you have had to deal with those guys. That's one reason I want to be pmo free, I respect women and I want to be able to see the person they are, not just their body. P.S. you find out who the is hacker and I'll pay him a visit he won't forget lol.

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #120 on: November 06, 2014, 05:40:36 PM »
Hi guys! First of all sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language!

Even if I found this useful site almost 3 months ago I've created my account just now to say that your story Kaybee really impressed me! I will continue to read your posts because they tell the story of a beautiful person, the kind of person that God especially loves and one from which I probably have only to learn from.
Moreover your strength and joy are giving me hope and help to definitively overcome my M addiction.

I'm a Christian too and I will for sure remember you in my prayers!!!

Please continue to share your story with us!

Could God bless you!  :)

Nessie


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #121 on: November 11, 2014, 11:23:29 AM »
It's great to have you here Nessie. :) I hope this site is a blessing to you, and whatever specific struggles you're going through.

As for my computer, it's up and running again. It was hard to find help, as most people I went to had never heard of the problem before. I'm fairly sure my computer is safe now, and I'm keeping the sticky note up in front just in case. 

I slipped up a little the other day. I didn't watch porn, but I did play a game with sexual images that I knew would excite me. I've let myself play it a couple times before, and I've told myself that it's not so bad because it's not a video, and it doesn't depict sex. I realize that it's something I run to when I'm stressed though, and it's clearly not healthy for me. I'm not going to reset my counter but I felt it was important to be honest with myself and with you.

My fiance and I broke up. You may have noticed he was mentioned less in my posts of late, and that's because this has been a long time coming. We both love each other very much, but our situation was impossible. We were long distance for almost three years, and last year I only got to see him in person for 18 days. I decided that I don't want to pretend that it's going to work out anymore, when there is no solution anywhere in sight. I will forever be grateful to him for helping me to love myself again after the cams. He was incredibly nonjudgmental and encouraging and he gave me the love and respect that I was mistakenly trying to find there.

I'm seriously stressed and unhappy right now. I know that it was my choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. Even after all of my progress, I find myself thinking about old videos I watched. I even thought briefly (for like one second) about going back to the cams. Never. But the thought is still there, and it scares me.  I'm going to try and focus on my school work instead. I have this week off, and I know it can either be very productive with my homework, or very destructive with my laptop. I'm going to make it productive!


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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #122 on: November 11, 2014, 12:56:45 PM »
Hey Kaybee,

I know I'm relatively new, but firstly I wanted to say congrats for hitting your 90 day target! I'm using you as some form of inspiration to hit my own target, especially considering the circumstances in which you came here.

I'm sorry to hear that you broke up with your fiance, but I'm glad that you've made a sensible and thought-out decision. Perhaps your mind is wondering because, well for one you've hit your 90 days and you feel like you've got nothing else to aim for in this respect, but also the comfort of your relationship has now gone? Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea :)
"Take me to a place, where I can't feel my face, and I'm half the man I think I'm supposed to be." - Krizz Kaliko


Kaybee

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #123 on: November 11, 2014, 05:31:33 PM »
Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea :)

That's a good idea, Yelashade. I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings now that I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\
I'm glad to have you here. I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later. What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?

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Re: Women's Addiction
« Reply #124 on: November 11, 2014, 06:14:25 PM »
Quote
I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later.

Thank you for reading my journal, I'm quite flattered haha. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Quote
I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings

There, you've said it yourself. Dance interests you and you have the time element on your side. I'd say just take the plunge and go for it. You'll find yourself on a good high for the day in general and you have the opportunity to expand your social circle, which contributes to your reboot/rewiring!

Quote
I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\

I've recently come out of a relationship and I don't need to tell you that it's far from an easy process to deal with. The best way to deal with it is to:
  • constantly remind yourself of why you guys broke up
  • keep yourself distracted by participating in activities (learning to dance kills 2 birds with 1 stone)
  • set yourself some targets/goals to achieve in life (besides dancing and no PMO)
  • accept that the difficulties you face post-break-up are part of the grieving process and it will eventually get better :)
Quote
What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?

Fortunately, I'm not from similar circumstances, yet I feel like I can relate to you well! I suppose that, because you've been through so much, what with the cams and the secrecy with porn etc. and you STILL managed to make it to your 90 days, I have no right to complain about how difficult my situation is. Sure, it's not ideal, but I've not had the sexual abuse and the other fears you've had to deal with come my way. I'm getting close to my half way point and I'm ready to fight this thing off once and for all :D
"Take me to a place, where I can't feel my face, and I'm half the man I think I'm supposed to be." - Krizz Kaliko