Author Topic: sick and tired of being sick and tired  (Read 308 times)

dmann427

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sick and tired of being sick and tired
« on: June 09, 2019, 12:16:18 PM »
Well here we go, I'm a 57 year old male who has been struggling with porn since around 10 years old. I'll give a little background of myself, I might be all over the place but here goes.
I'm a recovering addict with almost 27 years clean, I've been able to overcome alcohol, other drugs and tobacco. attend N/A and have been in denial of my porn addiction for quite some time but like every other part of my disease I need to come to terms with it.
I started masturbating around 10, not real sure what I was doing, just knew I liked it, which is normal, but I was finding myself aroused and obsessed with the little girls in the underwear adds of Sears and Penneys catalogs,(I'm 57,long before internet..lol)
now being that young, I didn't think anything about it, it was normal to me. as I look back at that now, I was masturbating to that every chance I could, I was obsessed with naked girls and women and still am to this day, but it's worse when I'm anxious or stressed and need an escape. now I know I'm not a perv but thats what I feel like. when I'm out in public I'm normal, no obsession, but if I'm home alone, its just like dope. i'm looking at it now as if it is dope because it actually is. I know that as long as I don't pick up the first one(or open up a porn site) I don't have to worry about the rest. Being that I'm starting an on line business, going on the computer is something I have to do, but it's like going next door to the dope house.
I need to change some habits and feel pretty good that I'm finally taking the first step. It only took almost 2 years from finding this site...lol.
I've learned in my recovery journey that I was sexually abused when I was young, I have no memory of the act, but through reading and counseling I have all the sympoms, which helps make sense of my actions but its no excuse to hide behind, in my opinion. I've overcome alot, I can this too, but know I can't do it alone anymore.
any feedback is welcome. thank you.

DoneAtLast

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Re: sick and tired of being sick and tired
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2019, 02:21:07 PM »
Welcome.  Stick around and keep posting!

Porn addiction made me feel like two different people, too.  The part that was attracted to women/things I knew I shouldn't be attracted to, and the rest of me.  And, it really was two different people.  It is/was a part of me I don't like, but it isn't ME.  You got used to the sort of stuff you "like", and 47 years later it is likely kinda the same.  That is typical (I hesitate to say normal, but you get my point). 

As far as feedback goes, I think you're off to a great start.  First, you're admitting that the addiction is real, and not just a colloquialism.  Second, you've dealt with chemical addictions, and in my opinion, those worlds have a lot of wisdom to offer that the porn addiction world has been slow to adopt.  Third, you're open to professional help.  Fourth, you're ahead of the game in figuring out how this stuff developed and how it interacts with your life - trauma, happy times, down times, all that stuff.  That is another thing the porn addiction world has been a bit behind the other addiction groups on; the porn addiction people tend to prefer the brain chemistry aspect instead of the psychological/therapeutic aspects.  Fifth, you understand your triggers when you mention the anxiety and stress.  The emotional triggers were the last man standing in my porn addiction, the "final boss" that I had to defeat.  You're going into this understanding all of those things. 

You're going to do great.  It won't be easy - I haven't had to quit drugs or tobacco, and I've only ever had to moderate my alcohol use, not deal with alcoholism, but many have said that porn addiction is right up there with all the others in terms of difficulty.  You could throw away cigarettes, pour the vodka down the sink, not drive by bars on the way home from work, but porn triggers and opportunities are far more pervasive.  Sex images are everywhere, and your cell phone is your own private XXX theater.  You'll find yourself relapsing more than you expected given your past successes with addiction, but don't be discouraged.  It is part of the game.

dmann427

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Re: sick and tired of being sick and tired
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2019, 02:29:40 PM »
went 4 days, needless to say I relaped, turning my ass kicking machine off isn't easy but know thats what gotta do. starting over, grateful to be able to. thanks for the encouragement.

dmann427

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Re: sick and tired of being sick and tired
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2019, 12:17:19 PM »
day 1 again, gratefull to know I can start over.

Quietdesperation

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Re: sick and tired of being sick and tired
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2019, 01:00:04 PM »
Just keep filling your brain with success stories and videos.  Eventually you win more than you lose! :)