Author Topic: Needing advise and perspective  (Read 160 times)

aquarius25

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Needing advise and perspective
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:37:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing our friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

Redfire03

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Re: Needing advise and perspective
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2019, 05:17:10 PM »
I see where you are coming from.. I did a lot of car involved things on Facebook and my knowledge was needed. That made it hard for me to get off. But I set and thought.. what if Facebook didnt exist.. what did I do before it was ever a thing. So in other word I remember not being glued to a phone. So I was very happy to finally let go of it. I would let it bother you at all, he enjoys not being attached to it as do it. I am not sure why he is required to have one for the group. Can you not make your profile a joint one and say you two share it and leave it at that?

aquarius25

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Re: Needing advise and perspective
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2019, 09:43:57 AM »
Thanks Redfire03 for you perspective and suggestions. I didn't think about a joint profile mainly because the groups are mens networking groups. They have some groups in our town that are men's christian entrepreneur groups. They are meant to not only be a support group for other men but also a networking group as well. This group does a lot of events and community related things. I have heard on several occasions from other men that my husband should come to their events and how great it would be. They post all of their meetings and things on a facebook group so he is always hearing about it after the fact. It is frustrating. Honestly I feel like I go back and forth on two perspectives. Yes I could share a profile and monitor everything and there is this big part of me that wants to do that but.... there is this other part of me that says no. Not only do I not want to be his parent that is also not trusting him, that is not allowing him the freedom to show me that he can do this and I can trust him to be honest. I can't control everything. If he really wants to relapse than there really isn't a lot I can do. I don't want to be the wife that has to checking and is constantly obsessed with this. We are not 6 months into a reboot, he is 3 yrs porn free. He has not PMO'd for three years. I feel like at some point I need to start trusting more. It is really hard to say that. It feels really scary and it defiantly triggers all the memories and emotions of D day but today is not D day. He is not the same person and neither am I. 

As you can see I am a bit of a mess going back and forth on these thoughts. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I talked with him last night and even he said that yes in someways it might make a few things easier but that he doesn't want to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. That attitude right there is a huge improvement! We both have decided to just think on it for a bit and not make any decisions until we both feel good about it. I like the idea of sharing a profile to start. I certainly don't care if he sees all my stuff as I don't believe in asking him to do something I am not willing to do. Transparency in a marriage is really important to me. Do you think it would be weird of we share a profile and he participated in the mens group with a shared profile? Other suggestions, perspectives, thoughts are welcome. I am sure I am not the only one who deals with these things.