The brain goes into a grieving mode after a while and thoughts like ”will I never going to be able to pmo to different girls anymore!?” I get these panic type of thoughts but I know this is just one of the thoughts that used to be like, ”just one more time, it’s the last time” or ”Now that I’ve already relapced I could as well do it one or two more times today because tomorrow I’m free’’. Bullshit right? Of to day 15.
Day 31 free from pmoFlatline is really tough.. I get urges to go back on sites to watch ”just a little”. I feel actually depressed about leaving it behind, my ”safe zone”.. My lying, back stabbing, false safe zone.. I get days when I feel slight horniness though, about a week ago me and my gf had sex and my erection was really good. And now I’m back down with the zero libido. There’s times when my brain starts to fantasize about scenes and or sexting text I’ve been part of, and I feel this sadness about leaving it behind. I’m not going back, ever.. This is part of recovering from any addiction I guess. I’m so happy about having a caring and understanding gf though, she really the best. Flatline is tough, I have never felt like this asexual before and it’s scary. I also know that it will probably take some time before it’s getting better, just hanging on.
Of to day 15.
Thanks man! It’s taken many relapses to get this far.. Man.. ten years ago I told myself I can’t keep on doing this.. It’s hard work, and I feel like all the fun is over. But I know when the impulses and urges start to fade, happiness will be stronger.
The urges have quieted down, and I’m happy to say I broke a record for myself in going 46 days without pmo. I get these longing feelings and the sadness about quitting though. I get these false beliefs that the girls I used to sext with would be good for me. I know this isn’t true. It’s the addict in me whispering.. ”Just one more time, please” I just feel good about trying to leave this behind. For over two decades held me in its grips..The addiction hates me, and I’m happy to love myself a little more than before. Step by step..