Author Topic: Over two years free from porn  (Read 680 times)

JakeL

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Over two years free from porn
« on: February 01, 2020, 07:23:06 AM »
Hi guys.

I’ve been addicted to porn since my mid teens, without knowing or understanding the implications of it. I didn’t realise I had ED until my early twenties. I has caused enormous suffering and hardship throughout my twenties. I saw doctors and therapists and urologists and none of them were able to help me. I just became resigned developer a generally apathetic view towards life. until I discovered yourbrainonporn.com over two years ago. I was 31 when I quit porn and I’m 33 now. It’s really difficult looking back on my life at this point, I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities both professionally and personally that most people would have killed to have had.

I quit porn but not masturbating initially. The first three months were tough emotionally. And then I quit masturbation entirely and the rebooting process was very emotionally draining. I went through that for about 3 to 4 months and I felt fine. My goal was to find a partner to rewire to. I reintroduced masturbation after awhile while I tried to find  the right partner. Big mistake.

Eventually I ended up back into the old habits, no porn, but frequent masturbation and edging. I didn’t realise that would be an issue until I did eventually have sex and found I still had ED. That was two and a half months ago. I’ve gone back to a hard reset. This time it’s been even tougher emotionally. Only this time I’m older with even more regrets. I’m emotionally tormented by my past and my past inability to recognise the impact porn and masturabation had on my life. I was totally blindsided by this information and felt like to came just too late. It’s sad it’s taken so long for me to find this online community.

I wanted to document my experience for posterity. And also to any guys out there that have had similar experiences; how long could a reboot take at this point? Given I’ve been totally free from the stimulant of porn for well over two years now. I have been masturbating for about a year prior to 10 weeks ago. I’m no longer in a relationship. I don’t know how much longer this rebooting process could take. I’m trying to stay optimistic and to remind myself I’m still relatively young. I just really want to get past this as soon as I can and move on with my life and leave this horrible chapter of my life behind me for good.

Travos

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2020, 11:59:46 AM »
Hi, JakeL

I will make clear that I am by no means qualified to give advice, which is why I will say my opinion instead of advice. As a guy in his early twenties myself, I am currently going through reboot and have similar plans of finding a partner to rewire to and plan to reintroduce masturbation after 3 months (late February) as you did. But I don't think what you did was a mistake.

I am fairly certain your problem was not masturbation that made your penis ED when you tried to have sex after reboot. It was anxiety, because of the long time you've been dealing with this issue as was for me a little more than a week ago, I couldn't get hard either. I've tried long pauses in between sexual re-attempts, hasn't helped so far. I have recently accepted my situation, that I have problems keeping mine hard with a real woman and I don't have a physical problem.

And that's what I think your first step should be: acceptance. You say you are emotionally tormented by your past and have regrets that you want to leave behind. You can't start a new chapter before closing a previous one. What if I never started? If only I had all that information before? If I didn't masturbate? Too bad, you started; you didn't; you did. Accept that, you can't change the past. Close the chapter.

Begin your new chapter by starting with your mindset change, you have recognized your problem a long time ago, but you haven't come to terms with it. If your goal is to have great sex then what should you do? Maybe try to have great sex? You've been off porn for a long time, good job, continue that, but there's no more need to think you need a reboot physically by yourself, if you have tried to do it, you need to rewire yourself mentally, which is something you've been obviously trying to do. Yet you have only come to terms with your side, porn and masturbation, but your environment and necessary action and habits change when you are with a partner. You got to this point by taking certain action, get yourself out by taking action.

It might might matter if you continue hard mode or if you don't, I'm no expert - but you're problem is not that. You are no longer addicted to porn, congratulations. You might/might not be addicted to masturbation, but you're dopamine receptors only react when you are alone, not when with a partner. That means you don't feel good in a situation, where there is a real woman with you. Why? Most likely cause your anxious about your performance. Why? Because of your past and fear of that happening again. Let that shit go, don't be afraid to let the woman know about your ED problems. Yes, you are young, but every day you are getting older, that's a fact. Who knows, how many days you have left, I don't, you don't, nobody does. If you want to have real sex with a real person the only sane answer here is to have sex with a real person, at minimum try to have sex with your partner. If you can't get it up, so what, that's a victory in your books, because your brain should at some point notice the pattern you are trying to create and work along side with you. You should have a rational paranoia over doing what you've been doing. Abstinence is not bad, it's a start, but not the end goal. Doing what you've been doing, the same process all over again, but expecting different results - isn't that the definition of insanity?

So that's my opinion, I don't think you're reboot is a time based question of how many days of abstinence. It's a lifestyle change, where you put yourself in an environment where you would like to be (a bed with a woman), you do what you want to do with her (have sex), and if that doesn't work, you try again, and again, until the environment is no longer scary, until you've let go of the past. Learn to be in the uncomfortable situation of telling her your situation with ED until these talks become comfortable, maybe even amusing, lose any expectation of trying to meet to some level of performance requirements, in the beginning you won't. And just appreciate your partner, her eyes, lips, hair, body, personality. Try to make her feel good and experiment with her, find what makes you feel good. Your partner most likely has had a guy with a ED penis before, she will be fine with you not performing to expectations. Talk to her, reassure her that she is not at fault and that she is beautiful, it's just something you are dealing with. After this you will have your anxiety reduced and you will feel more comfortable. And she might even want to help you with your ED.

Or don't. You've missed a lot of opportunities already, add a few more to the list and keep your current chapter open. It's your life, your responsibility to deal with your circumstances.

I suggest to keep doing hard mode, it might persuade you to go out and find a partner, because you are not allowed to masturbate at home by yourself. In the beginning this will be beneficial. But masturbation isn't the problem, it's just a trigger, your current mindset is viewing it as a problem.

Paradoxically, I would also recommend to you to masturbate now just once! You read right! Give yourself the green light to do it only once! But don't do it where you usually used to do it. The point of this is to shock you out of your current habits, which are not bad, but you might otherwise get stuck to your current mindset of abstinence. It will be terrifying destroy your streak willingly, but it can also be thrilling. View it as a first step towards commitment. Your penis will start to itch again, your sex drive will get a spike, but then begin hard mode again while beginning to find a partner to experiment.

Also Important! This masturbation is not a relapse. It's a commitment! but the next one, if you do decide to masturbate again, will be.

Anyway, my thoughts, you may do with them as you please. I wish you the best in your journey! Good luck!

With best intentions
Travos

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2020, 01:25:33 PM »
Thanks for your feedback.

But no, it’s definitely not performance anxiety. I’d know if that were the case. Because I’m not anxious about sex. It’s still the Ed from porn. Remember that I’d been using porn for over 16 years. And when I quit maturation again and did the more recent reboot in hard mode the withdrawal symptoms were rough. Even though I’d been away from porn for so long, edging to images of porn in my mind was having the same neurological effect. I needed probably 6 to 18 months hardmode to make proper reboot I just didn’t realise.

As I denied myself the dopamine hit from porn and the reward circuitry was finding a new balance once again the pain that ensued after that was so intense it made me realise how powerful and pernicious this habit had had on me. I went from being on a 6 or a 7 in the mood department to a 0 or a 1 for exactly 8 weeks then back to normal again. That’s symptoms of a reboot. If not for that than maybe I could start looking for other answers.

 I’m not going to risk masturbating again because I don’t really want to at this point. Quitting porn and masturbation was so easy for me. I just want to turn things around. If anyone knows how long a reboot might take given my situation that would be appreciated

Approximately 2 years no porn.

First 2 to 3 months  no porn but masturbation/edging.
Another 3 to 4 months hardmode no masturbation/edging
1 year no porn masturbation/edging
2 1/2 months hardmode.

If I’d just done hardmode from the start I’d be in the clear by now but o well. Plus side is at the moment except for the occasional bouts of lethargy I’m feeling pretty ok. The onus is on me now to find a partner and get on with my life I guess.



Moth-head

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2020, 04:02:04 PM »
Hey man,

My two cents is that we all experience it a little differently, although your story seems to have quite a few overlaps with mine. I've been mostly off porn for close to the same amount of time, although I have drifted back once or twice, much to my regret. Still, no longer being a hard user has had huge benefits to my life and well-being. I have masturbated throughout though, even without the porn, and I did not find that to be a problem in the bedroom. The edging definitely does have an effect though, and I would recommend staying well away from that.

As far as hard-mode goes, from my own experience, and what I have read, porn is like any other addiction in that you will always be an addict. An alcoholic can go a decade without a drink and still crave it, or even relapse after that long. It is, and will continue to be a daily battle for all of us, although it does seem to get a bit easier with time. So don't bet yourself up about not doing hard-mode, I don't think it would have changed your urges.

Keep chipping away at it, stay vigilant to your triggers and beat it one day at a time.

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2020, 07:33:07 PM »
Thanks

My urges for porn and masturbation aren’t that strong at all. My desire for change is much stronger. However I still feel like I’m rebooting and am still suffering from Ed. How long could this reboot take?

2 years porn free. Between softmode and hardmode.

Anybody have any thoughts? Experience with this??

Travos

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2020, 04:18:03 AM »
Hi, again!

I like that you are terrified of withdrawal symptoms manifesting themselves again. If your mood is good currently (as good as it can be), I support your decision to stay on hard mode. However, I don't suggest you to disregard sexual thoughts about some real life person you know and avoid sex, preferably, try to make your thoughts a reality in accordance with the rules and law.

And if you are certain it's not performance anxiety, then try to find out, what it is exactly that changes when you are with a woman. It has to be something mental, experiment, good luck finding ways to overcome it.

Travos

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2020, 06:14:00 AM »
No what I’m saying is I still have ED after 2 years no porn. I had sex two weeks ago no luck. I’m pretty sure I’m still rebooting.

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2020, 05:36:23 AM »
Yeah I edging has been the big thing for me. I quite porn but was still edging for the first 8 to 12 weeks. But still went through a massive emotional upheaval during that time. Then it got better. Then I quit the edging and went through a whole other reboot. It was intense . Then after 8 weeks felt much better.

Then after a few months, I would get massive bouts of lethargy. I would become incredibly tired and would have to crash out. If I was at work then I would pump myself up with coffee. After awhile everything reached an even heel and I started pursuing women.

Then I went back to a habit of edging, not really realising how bad that is. I guess I just missed that when. I was researching pied. Or had forgotten. Or my brain just tricked me into thinking my reboot was complete and this was ok. Because I’ve had pied since forever, I’ve had no reference point for what normal sexual desire feels like.

I didn’t realise until a year later when I had sex and still had Ed. Then I quit the edging again. And the next 8 weeks were hell. I’m I think 11 weeks in on the latest hardmode streak but close to 2 and a half years give or take porn free. The edging was the dumbest mistake and after further research I can see how I had managed to find a way to get the dopamine rush that I was cutting myself off from by being porn free

I have spent my twenties suffering. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I gave up on medical practitioners helping me. I developed my own theories on what was wrong with me and had faith that things would work out. I’m about to turn 34. It’s so painful looking back on my youth and looking at all the opportunities I’ve missed out on. Just the little things that make life great. When you have these problems it’s like a dark shadow covering over you. What I would give to go back and fix things.

I don’t know why i didn’t think to eliminate porn and masturbation earlier. I just didn’t think it would have made a difference. Getting old sucks. Especially when you never had the chance to really enjoy those formative years.

Anyway. Just venting. There’s only so much pain and suffering you can endure before it really weighs u down to the point where you develop a apathetic outlook.

If anybody could provide insight into the reboot process for someone who’s had this issue for as long as I had. 17 years give or take using porn. 2 and 1/2 years from porn, with edging. Am I close to finding a way out?

How do some of you guys that are rid of this deal with the regret? Or the guilt of not figuring this stuff out sooner? Knowing that this information was available online for years but I never thought to search it out kills me.

eljoeyjojo

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2020, 02:47:19 PM »
hey Jake

I must say your story doesn't make me feel to hopeful for the future. Just like you I was able to quit watching porn very easily and it's already been like 100 days I think and only relapsed twice (back to back and once was with porn and other was without porn). I don't miss the porn at all and I've already blocked all porn in my home WiFi just to make sure I don't fall. Unlike you though, I've actually been doing what you call "hardmode" where I'm not watching porn at all and I have not masturbated at all. I think the flatline kicked in about 1.5 months ago and I too was scared about the whole sex thing. It wasn't until I had sex for the first time in 100 days with this girl who pretty much just came over for that (she asked me! and who am I to turn that down right?) and I must say it was some of the best sex I've ever had. Didn't last very long 'cause I had been holding back for 100 days so 10 minutes and I was done. Needless to say she was quite disappointed while I laid there with a huge smile on my face. I did ask her about the first time her and I had sex and she said that even though it was much shorter this time she felt I had a harder erection and that was the best compliment I've heard in a few months.

Now, I'm not here bragging about my erection or the fact this girl looked for me and not the other way around. No, I'm here to tell you that "hardmode" is the only way the whole reboot will take place. Obviously watching porn is the worse thing for any rebooter but I also think the worse thing you can do is wank it yourself. I'm not saying you should NOT have sex or have any physical interaction but if you must then another person should be the one doing it for you. I don't think it's healthy for our right hand (or left hand) to be involved in this and I think that's a big part of the problem. Not to recall any specific scenes but I'm sure you all remember in every porn movie the dude always wanks it to cum on the girl. It's usually him stroking it and not the girl and why is that? I think our right hand (or left hand) is too attached to our dicks that without we can't see to cum or at least in my experience. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago when another girl I had over gave me a hand job and I was hard as a rock and I finished pretty quick that I realized that this is exactly how it should be. As men we grew up thinking that wanking is very normal but it's actually not. I wanna live in a world where I never masturbate alone, I want another woman to do it for me so I'm definitely staying away from that but this is just my personal opinion.

I've got a long way to go too Jake, my problem is that I think I still need to fantasize in order to get hard although I didn't need it with the last girl who came over but I think that's only because I had not seen her in like 4 months. With my ex-gf I never got the urge to have sex with her and it wasn't because she wasn't hot because she had big tits and nice ass, it was simply because she was always there available and my brain has had too much shit that now I think all sex should be taken place in some sort of fantasy of mine. I need to work on that and I don't know how I will get it done but I know one thing for sure, no porn, no masturbating, or edging can be healthy. I hope I can complete 1 year from from this shit and look back and be able to help others with this shit.

I wish you the best brother!

Wolfman

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2020, 04:26:31 PM »
I agree with eljoeyjojo: hardmode is the best way to go. Maybe even the only. I can't speak about sex, as that hasn't happened for me recently, but I've vastly increased my control over my desires, fantasies and emotions, after being over a hundred days free from PMO and MO. I'm more at home with myself and my body than I ever was: sexuality is now on my terms; not I on its.

Regret is too harsh, JakeL. You have to take into account the contingency of the whole thing and the way our culture basically encourages that shit. As long as you're willing to work on yourself and your problem, you should be compassionate towards yourself. If it was easy, there wouldn't be a forum like this for it. And, sometimes, things have to get worse before they get better. For me, I knew porn was a problem for four years, but I wasn't taking it seriously enough, so I kept rebooting and relapsing, and it kept me miserable. It's only when I met with a crisis in my life and was staring failure in the reflection of who I had become, that things had to absolutely change.

I hope you stay strong JakeL, but also kind to yourself. Keep working at it, writing the journal (keep venting!), educating yourself, changing up your life with new habits and activities.

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2020, 05:41:24 PM »
Yeah thanks guys.

Hardmode is really the only way. I have no problem with it. Quitting porn was so easy. Doing hardmode has been easy too. It’s just looking back at all the opportunities I’ve missed out on. All the life that was wasted. It’s really hard for me to sleep at night thinking about it all. It weighs heavy on me. It’s so unfair I never knew about this stuff earlier. I would have quit in my twenties in a heart beat if I knew what was going on.

As I said 11 weeks in hardmode. After 2 and a half years no porn, edging on and off. Could this reboot be coming to an end. Will the pied be over soon?

Wolfman

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2020, 09:50:36 AM »
It is unfair. It is absolutely unfair. But then again, a lot of things in the world are unfair. This thing hit us when we were vulnerable and susceptible, and perhaps on some level it comforted us and made us feel free. So I'm not diminishing this by saying that "a lot of other things are unfair too," but I'm hinting at that there must be a better way to approach this other than crippling regret. For now, at least on the intellectual level, we need to think about this, really very contingent but highly probable, thing that hijacked our bodies and minds for so long in a way that doesn't continue to weigh us down.

I can't think of anything better than forgiveness. Maybe this is cliche, but if you don't forgive the stuff that happened to you, how you were before, the so uncertain reality we live in, how are you actually beyond it? How have you become a better person than the one you were under the PMO?

Now, let's be clear: forgiveness does not mean exonerating PMO, its manipulative industry or our all-too-friendly PMO culture. I'm speaking about the stuff that's happened to you in the past and how you are to relate to that, and, ultimately, how you relate to yourself. For the present and the future, we should be on our guard and vigilant, and strive to offer a counter-position to today's PMO culture. Build habits and ways of thinking that are absolutely free from this stuff.

Notwithstanding, I still am struggling with it myself. I think, intellectually, this is the right way forward, but I'm still working through expressing it better. Then you need to follow that up emotionally, practically and spiritually and all the other facets of our being. Ultimately, how can you _live_ (not just think,feel, etc.) in the forgiveness of this dreadful thing that happened to you--this "terrible fate" you met--that's absolutely unfair and unjust. But it doesn't have to be a tragedy.

Keep up the hardmode JakeL!

akpal2

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2020, 09:38:43 PM »
Yeah thanks guys.

Hardmode is really the only way. I have no problem with it. Quitting porn was so easy. Doing hardmode has been easy too. It’s just looking back at all the opportunities I’ve missed out on. All the life that was wasted. It’s really hard for me to sleep at night thinking about it all. It weighs heavy on me. It’s so unfair I never knew about this stuff earlier. I would have quit in my twenties in a heart beat if I knew what was going on.

As I said 11 weeks in hardmode. After 2 and a half years no porn, edging on and off. Could this reboot be coming to an end. Will the pied be over soon?

Hi Jakel,

I have been on this forum for a while. This forum helped me heal before I relapsed. You can read my story in my thread but  I am back because I have relapsed yet again.

Anyhow, I see your problem. I have suffered from PMO and probably the most from edging.

Bear in mind that anything not real is off limits even after you recover. You should read William's thread. That is so well explained and inspirational. The gist is, that anything that excites you, even facebook pictures, fantasies in your mind, suggestive cartoons etc, each and every one of them has to go. Your brain has to rewire all over again by breaking the old habits. It must heal before you rewire it to a real person.

Some people have taken up to 2 years and even more to heal completely, so unfortunately there is no set timeline. All we know is that breaking hard more sets us back a little each time. So continue on this journey until you are completely healed. You get your morning wood back completely and you are able to just have sex with your partner without having to think of anything else.

I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any questions.



JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2020, 12:20:49 AM »
Yeah thanks guys

Quitting has been so easy. Hardmode is easy to. I just didn’t know. I thought I was healed a year ago and just fell back into old habits.

It shouldn’t take too much longer though? Still having bouts of lethargy, but it’s been such awhile since I’ve looked at anything even like porn.

Hopefully the reboot is over soon and I can put this behind me.

akpal2

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2020, 09:35:31 AM »
jakel, you haven't looked at porn but do you fantasize in your mind?



KittyHawk

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #15 on: February 06, 2020, 02:29:42 PM »
Hi JakeL,

I didn’t have time to read everyone’s response so I apologize if I am repeating what someone already wrote.

If you didn’t see porn for 2 years, porn is not the only culprit. But porn itself is not causing PIED. It is the dopamine overload that goes with overconsumption of porn. My experience: after long and tough battle with porn addiction, I was able to go without watching porn for long periods of time but I developed other bad habits. Such as insanely long edging sessions with erotic chat, writing erotica, or simply edging to my fantasy. Surprisingly enough, I am now able to get insane doses of dopamine through those.... I can feel my head spinning in the dopamine euphoria.

And that is what is destroying those dopamine receptors.

So how do you masturbate? Is it a quick 5 minute job or is your story similar to mine?

The only other thing might be that you need more rewiring with real human being... kissing, cuddling and slowly escalating things to get your tastes back. One night stand with a stranger is not an ideal real sex experience for a recovering PMO addict.

I hope this helps.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #16 on: February 06, 2020, 05:15:23 PM »
Thanks guys.

Yeah I fell into that trap. Edging for about a year to fantasy. I didn’t realise that would have been a problem because I thought the reboot was over. I know now not to do that. About 12 weeks into my new reboot. I feel like I’m starting over again lol.

Thanks for the help guys. All I can do at that point is start dating and stay on hardmode.

eljoeyjojo

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2020, 07:03:10 PM »
I'm curious as to what KittyHawk means by one night stands don't help? I'm worried about this 'cause I've been more than 100 days porn free and masturbate free and I have been able to have sex twice now but they were both night stands. Is that a bad thing? I would think it's not since I am not engaging in any porn or masturbating to any kind of fantasy

Pete McVries

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #18 on: February 12, 2020, 06:47:33 AM »
I'm curious as to what KittyHawk means by one night stands don't help? I'm worried about this 'cause I've been more than 100 days porn free and masturbate free and I have been able to have sex twice now but they were both night stands. Is that a bad thing? I would think it's not since I am not engaging in any porn or masturbating to any kind of fantasy

No, it's not absolutely not a bad thing. If you are recovering from PIED you might benefit from a steady partner more to stabilize in terms of PIED and perfomance anxiety. If you had two one night stands and everything worked and you were not too nervous, then it's absolutely fine.
400 days clean and counting...

eljoeyjojo

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2020, 01:11:01 PM »
Thanks Pete McVries. I do agree with you though, perhaps the one night stands are not the best to recover fully but I'd rather do that than watch porn and masturbate to it. I did have a few issues with my ex-gf where I just wasn't sexually attracted to her even though she had possibly the nicest body of any girlfriends. But I realized that it was a bit of everything, she had a terrible toxic personality that always made me feel like shit and therefore no real desire came from it. With a few other women after her (women whose body is not as nice as my ex-gfs I had no issues)

JakeL

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Re: Over two years free from porn
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2020, 09:36:18 AM »
Had sex (came in a woman) for the first time in my life the other day.

It wasn’t that great. Didn’t feel much pleasure. It was pretty mechanical but I got through it. That’s a massive step for me. And I feel a little less stressed out now because of it.

Man it’s killing me how much I’ve missed out on though. My teens, my twenties. The regret is killing me. I just didn’t know about pied back then.

I saw a doctor the other day who prescribed me anti depressants. I told him about the Ed but didn’t mention the porn or nofap. I just wanted to hear his thoughts on the situation and possible solutions. I’ve felt very guilty about not seeing enough people when I was younger to get help. But the few times I had they always gave me useless advice. This bloke was no different, he recommended that I masturbate and abstaining from that could make things worse. He claimed the Ed was probably likely psychological/performance anxiety.

Question.

Does anybody have any idea why porn has such a bad impact on some people and not others? I’d because some of us took it too far with edging and binging for too long? No one has answered that question. It would be interesting to know, if anyone has any theories?