Author Topic: Twenty-two years  (Read 884 times)

Free-man

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 242
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #25 on: August 23, 2019, 06:43:37 AM »
Yep, I know it, i read all you write mate! :)
my next goal is 37 and I will complete my 4th week

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #26 on: August 26, 2019, 09:41:28 PM »
Day 4

Pretty much an hour or two after my last post here, I relapsed. 

What set me back? One suggestive image that wasn't even what I would consider pornography.  I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I struggled with the temptation and eventually gave in.  My wife had left for the night and my urges became too great.  I feel guilty of letting my wife, myself, and my future self down.

What did I learn? Randomly browsing reddit can be a nightmare.  Certain subreddits, even though I may find 99% of what is posted to be SFW or even just text formatted discussions, can lead to 1% that does not.  I'm not yet ready to face that, and need to do the following:

1. I'll be honest - I'm not going to stop using reddit.
2. I need to unsubscribe from subreddits that have potential to lead me to anything that could trigger me again.
3. I need to cut down on my screen time in general.
4. I need to go somewhere public when I'm left to my own devices, or have something I can do to stay active for the duration of time I am alone.

All I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off, and start walking again.  So that's what I'm going to do.

mattdes

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 69
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2019, 10:33:37 PM »
Day 4

Pretty much an hour or two after my last post here, I relapsed. 

What set me back? One suggestive image that wasn't even what I would consider pornography.  I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I struggled with the temptation and eventually gave in.  My wife had left for the night and my urges became too great.  I feel guilty of letting my wife, myself, and my future self down.

What did I learn? Randomly browsing reddit can be a nightmare.  Certain subreddits, even though I may find 99% of what is posted to be SFW or even just text formatted discussions, can lead to 1% that does not.  I'm not yet ready to face that, and need to do the following:

1. I'll be honest - I'm not going to stop using reddit.
2. I need to unsubscribe from subreddits that have potential to lead me to anything that could trigger me again.
3. I need to cut down on my screen time in general.
4. I need to go somewhere public when I'm left to my own devices, or have something I can do to stay active for the duration of time I am alone.

All I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off, and start walking again.  So that's what I'm going to do.

You haven't let anyone down. You lost that battle now win the f@#king war!!!!

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #28 on: August 27, 2019, 12:18:10 AM »
Day 4

Pretty much an hour or two after my last post here, I relapsed. 

What set me back? One suggestive image that wasn't even what I would consider pornography.  I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I struggled with the temptation and eventually gave in.  My wife had left for the night and my urges became too great.  I feel guilty of letting my wife, myself, and my future self down.

What did I learn? Randomly browsing reddit can be a nightmare.  Certain subreddits, even though I may find 99% of what is posted to be SFW or even just text formatted discussions, can lead to 1% that does not.  I'm not yet ready to face that, and need to do the following:

1. I'll be honest - I'm not going to stop using reddit.
2. I need to unsubscribe from subreddits that have potential to lead me to anything that could trigger me again.
3. I need to cut down on my screen time in general.
4. I need to go somewhere public when I'm left to my own devices, or have something I can do to stay active for the duration of time I am alone.

All I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off, and start walking again.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I know, man. I know how fucking difficult is to struggle to get something stimulating out of your head. I've had days when I was fucking exhausted. You're not alone. If this makes you feel that you've let people down, use this to fuel your recovery. Think about it next time when you will struggle. It feels like shit to struggle with something stimulating and resist it but it will eventually work out. It did for me and I'm no rebooting genius. I haven't touched PMO since July 21. I am going on hard mode now.

Also, if you don't want to find wolves, stay away from the places where you know they live, if you know what I mean.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2019, 12:20:38 AM by Lero »

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 364
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #29 on: August 27, 2019, 05:12:09 AM »
Day 4

Pretty much an hour or two after my last post here, I relapsed. 

What set me back? One suggestive image that wasn't even what I would consider pornography.  I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I struggled with the temptation and eventually gave in.  My wife had left for the night and my urges became too great.  I feel guilty of letting my wife, myself, and my future self down.

What did I learn? Randomly browsing reddit can be a nightmare.  Certain subreddits, even though I may find 99% of what is posted to be SFW or even just text formatted discussions, can lead to 1% that does not.  I'm not yet ready to face that, and need to do the following:

1. I'll be honest - I'm not going to stop using reddit.
2. I need to unsubscribe from subreddits that have potential to lead me to anything that could trigger me again.
3. I need to cut down on my screen time in general.
4. I need to go somewhere public when I'm left to my own devices, or have something I can do to stay active for the duration of time I am alone.

All I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off, and start walking again.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I'll be totally honest with you. Anyone who uses reddit or similar sites will always be in danger of relapsing. The whole 'meme'-culture of these sites is very closely connected to porn. I'll just quote myself from my journal:

Sometimes, I get short burts of urges. Like thoughts, look up this and that, you are in a safe place now and so on and so forth. But for now, I'm able to nip these thoughts in the bud. And that's critical, I believe. I can't afford to let these thoughts flourish or act out... The worst mistakes are being done while succeeding... 

I have a porn blocker and it works for me but it isn't failproof. For example, it blocks most of all popular porn sites but google image search isn't blocked. Some lesser known porn sites are also not blocked. Reddit's NSFW subs aren't blocked either.

It's funny. I came to the conclusion that we learned the ways how to act out or in which way we act out. I'm a huge MMA nerd and reddit's MMA sub is one of the best MMA sources you can find. About four months ago, I was reading a heated discussions between two guys and then the one guy talked down on the other guy because he had looked at his profile and the other guy had subscribed some porn subs. That was an aha moment for me. I made the mistake to look for porn subs on reddit which I had never ever done before. Please don't repeat my mistake but there were some very very promising findings for my fetish. Things, I didn't even know that existed. I looked really briefly at some short clips before snapping out. The next day, I did the same thing. The day after that, I manually blocked reddit via my blocking software and haven't gone back ever since. I can't even access the MMA sub anymore which is a loss for me but a necessary evil. To draw the arc: My addicted brain has now learned that reddit has porn that it would love to indulge in, therefore I can't use reddit anymore.

That's why peeking also always leads to relapses eventually. YOU NEED TO STOP PEEKING if you want to beat the addiction. YOU NEED TO UNLEARN IT OR BREAK THE HABIT. Whenever you feel the urge to peek, YOU HAVE TO STOP RIGHT iN ITS TRACKS!

I still haven't dared to unblock reddit. And I know for sure that if I hadn't blocked reddit then and there, most likely I wouldn't be where I am today. No eight months clean, no recovered PIED, still very much addicted to porn, no partner, no regular sex, still depressed, still miserable. Because I thought, I was stronger than my addiction and because I prioritized gathering information and laughing at memes over my sexual health. Top kek m8 as they would say on reddit.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, just sharing my own experience in hopes that it will help you. And regarding the suggestive images, stay away from them. Porn ≠ naked people having sex. Seeing a dolled up clothed pornstar is already porn for my brain because, surprise, surprise, what does my addicted brain associate with such a visual stimulus? This suggestive image you encountered was part of what caused you to relapse. In the beginning, we have to be very careful what we expose ourselves to. Because the PMO-autopilot is still very much in effect because we have acted like that for years and in most cases, it won't stop working just because we decided we are going to reboot.

Rebooting is a learning process. If you relapse and you recognize certain patterns, it's super important to take appropriate steps. Otherwise, you run into danger of being pinned down in a relapse loop.

Take care and all the best!
eleven months clean and counting...

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #30 on: August 27, 2019, 09:24:47 AM »
Day 5

Thanks for all the support, guys.  It really does help knowing others have had similar troubles and that I'm not alone in this.  I spent a couple hours last night reading about YBOP and watching Gabe Deem / Noah B.E. Church videos.  I learned a few things about what makes a successful rebooter, and persistence is one of the key things.  Finding a hobby and filling my time with it also will be a huge help, as well as spending more time with real people.  I've spent the majority of my youth playing video games and need to ween myself off of that if I am to be successful here.  The same pathways that lead to internet/gaming addiction can also lead to porn addiction.

To that end, I've decided to start looking over the local meetup.com calendar and start attending events.  My next entry will hopefully have at least one positive story about actual social interaction.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #31 on: September 02, 2019, 09:35:39 PM »
Day 11

It's been a while since I checked in.  Life seems to be back to normal... ish. 

I've been able to avoid engaging in PMO since my relapse.  I went through a period where I felt like I was having a flatline almost.  My body seemed to be like, "Not porn? Not turned on!"

Things are getting better though.  I have started looking at the local Meetup calendar trying to find group activities that sound interesting.  I was already trying to get out of the house and be in public when I had cravings, but was not really engaging with anyone at the coffee shop I went to.  Here's hoping that more socialization will help keep me from relapsing again.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2019, 09:31:01 AM »
Day 17

I have not been checking in as much as I should lately.  I'm going to make an effort to make a post every day or two at minimum going forward.

So I'm back on the wagon and it's been 17 days since I engaged in PMO.  My wife and I are having sex more frequently than we have in the past year.  Previously it was once a month at most.  Now it's once a week, sometimes twice a week.

It may be that it hasn't taken me as long to start healing, but I don't want to fall into a false sense of security.  The same problem that happened to me before could happen again if I'm not careful.  One recent change in my life is that I have a new job and am going into the office everyday.  I have less time to myself where I could potentially have a relapse.  I may just not take them up on working from home for the next few months, both to prove I'm a good worker and to force myself into a public place.

mattdes

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 69
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #33 on: September 09, 2019, 02:40:51 AM »
Excellent work man well done!!. That's a streak I'd be real proud of right now. You are doing it the right way too. Some people say to abstain from all o but i think that's rubbish. We need to rewire to just physical activity with real women and so i think it's great you can notice the difference and frequency of your love making. I'm very happy for you. Keep going strong.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #34 on: September 11, 2019, 11:21:49 PM »
Day 20

Things are getting better, albeit slowly.  I feel unmotivated and listless over the past few days.  I actually haven't thought of pornography or sex really at all.  I only now realize that as I'm writing this journal entry.

Based on what I've read, it's likely a flatline.  I can handle it, but I'm concerned my wife may think I've relapsed again.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #35 on: September 14, 2019, 09:56:09 AM »
Day 23

In the past day or so the spark seems to be back.  I'm having some cravings for porn and even waking up with morning wood.  On my way home from work - an I am ashamed to admit it - I've had a couple moments where I've actually been playing old videos that turned me on in my head.  It's like I've watched them so many times they're burned into my brain and I can summon the demon whenever I want to.  Each time I caught myself and shook my head vigorously trying to snap out of it.

I haven't had sex in nearly two weeks.  My wife and I tried a few days ago, but I simply wasn't able to get aroused.  We've gone as long as a month or so in the past.  A little more time and maybe things will be better.
 
Relapsing seems to make it harder and harder to get aroused.  It's like a feedback loop where if you engage with it, it makes the recovery process that much more difficult or longer to pull out of.  Lack of motivation, listlessness, thoughts of suicide, anger, resentment, desire to give back in to old habits.  Porn addiction is scary, man. 

Free-man

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 242
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #36 on: September 14, 2019, 12:10:34 PM »
these are the common symptoms of withdrawal Pdub!
Stay strong man, you're doing very well.

When porn is not our habit anymore we enter in a stage of emptiness that we have to fill with goals and new habits for life.
We have to resist, stay strong!

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #37 on: September 14, 2019, 04:13:18 PM »
Day 23

In the past day or so the spark seems to be back.  I'm having some cravings for porn and even waking up with morning wood.  On my way home from work - an I am ashamed to admit it - I've had a couple moments where I've actually been playing old videos that turned me on in my head.  It's like I've watched them so many times they're burned into my brain and I can summon the demon whenever I want to.  Each time I caught myself and shook my head vigorously trying to snap out of it.

I haven't had sex in nearly two weeks.  My wife and I tried a few days ago, but I simply wasn't able to get aroused.  We've gone as long as a month or so in the past.  A little more time and maybe things will be better.
 
Relapsing seems to make it harder and harder to get aroused.  It's like a feedback loop where if you engage with it, it makes the recovery process that much more difficult or longer to pull out of.  Lack of motivation, listlessness, thoughts of suicide, anger, resentment, desire to give back in to old habits.  Porn addiction is scary, man.

I feel you, man. This is the most annoying thing about P addiction in my opinion: The porn that gets stored in our minds. When urges get serious, so does the intensity of those fucking flashbacks. I found myself trying to ignore them all day long.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #38 on: September 15, 2019, 10:24:10 AM »
Day 24

Spent most of the day out of the house yesterday.  I went to a brewery with the wife and dog, got some barbecue, and talked to the bartender who ended up being a really nice guy.  Might even become a friend we hang out with on occasion.

Talking to people seems easier.  I have things that I can relate to others with and I'm not as scared of rejection as I used to be.  I live in a large city so my thought is - if we don't get along, I probably won't see you again anyway.  One can only try to be a nice person and hope that is reciprocated.

Today is game day, so I'm thinking I may want to get out of the house and go to watch it somewhere with others.  Trying to keep my urges in check by forcing myself to not be at home idle.

Free-man

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 242
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #39 on: September 15, 2019, 03:27:27 PM »
Godd to hear that about going out and practicing your social skills Pdub.
I really liked your thoughts about relationships with new people.

man_in_30s_rebootingnow

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 53
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #40 on: September 15, 2019, 11:01:30 PM »
Day 24

Spent most of the day out of the house yesterday.  I went to a brewery with the wife and dog, got some barbecue, and talked to the bartender who ended up being a really nice guy.  Might even become a friend we hang out with on occasion.

Talking to people seems easier.  I have things that I can relate to others with and I'm not as scared of rejection as I used to be.  I live in a large city so my thought is - if we don't get along, I probably won't see you again anyway.  One can only try to be a nice person and hope that is reciprocated.

Today is game day, so I'm thinking I may want to get out of the house and go to watch it somewhere with others.  Trying to keep my urges in check by forcing myself to not be at home idle.

Loved your note there saying " forcing myself not be idle at home " I should do that more often to succeed.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #41 on: September 16, 2019, 08:31:10 PM »
Day 25

Today was alright.  I had some minor successes at work and some minor setbacks.

My wife and I had sex last night, leading to a chaser effect today.  I'm going to sit on my front porch in full view of the neighbors shortly, reading a book.  It's not as public as I was pushing for before, but it's not a place I would feel comfortable indulging in PMO, so here I am.

Reading "The Expanse" series.  Great show and book series so far for a sci-fi.  I'm enjoying it.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #42 on: September 16, 2019, 08:35:20 PM »
Every time I come to rebootnation.org, I re-read my previous journal entries.

This reminds me of what I'm here for, why I stopped engaging in PMO, and what I am striving to accomplish.  My first journal entry may be a long time ago, but it reminds me of why I'm still here.  Just a quick reminder for my future self.

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #43 on: October 13, 2019, 01:59:05 PM »
Day 10

I completely fell off the wagon.  In the past month I relapsed, tried to get back on the wagon, relapsed several more times, and now I'm trying again.  Relapsing felt so hollow.  I felt so small and pathetic.  I don't even know what day I'm on at this point, but I know it's been over a week and a half.  I'm in a rut and feel pretty shitty about myself.

I'm also in a flatline right now, and haven't had so much as a small sense of arousal in over a week.  The using porn and not using porn, on again off again, seems to have caused some miswiring in my brain.  I didn't have this happen when I first went down this road.  I was at least still horny... but now it's like completely gone.

It's like my brain is holding out on me because it knows eventually it will get porn again.  I can't keep doing this to myself.

mattdes

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 69
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #44 on: October 14, 2019, 01:35:57 AM »
Take that lack of horniness as a blessing. I'm feeling that now and it's only 4 days. I'm really thankful because last i tried it was near on impossible to get past 3 days because of it. I know it's different because you have a wife but who is to say tomorrow your libido won't return and you'll be feeling great again. 1 day at a time my friend. What you're feeling now is not permanent. Keep going !

Pdub

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: Twenty-two years
« Reply #45 on: October 17, 2019, 11:40:26 AM »
Day 14

Still kicking.  Still fighting.

Today I am not going to let myself be alone or idle.