Author Topic: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time  (Read 2267 times)

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #25 on: June 08, 2019, 01:29:12 AM »
DAY 8
Big Wave surfing

Nice problem to have last night. My GF and I got super sexual in a goodnight text conversation. I found myself EXTREMELY turned on. That's a good sign. I'm turned on by my GF, not by some extreme bullshit I saw on a tube site. There wouldn't have been anything wrong with taking the fantasy we were talking about and having a little goodnight M.

But here's the thing, I wouldn't have learned anything by acting on my desire in that moment and releasing all the rising tension. I realized that this was by far the most I've wanted to M all week. (Again, that's a very good sign that a convo with someone I love would turn me on more than a porn craving.) I saw an opportunity to ride that wave of desire and watch it pass.

If I had just acted on it, it would have been like giving up in the gym when I know I have a little more in me. By taking a step back, I proved to myself that even the strongest desires will dissipate eventually if you just ride the wave.

--MOM
« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 01:35:14 AM by MindOverModem »

Johnny Trailer

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #26 on: June 08, 2019, 11:09:46 AM »
As a porn addict struggling to recover from porn, it is extremely bad idea to have sexual text conversations. For the first few months, less and less porn cues will turn you on more and more. That is normal because you are depriving yourself for long periods of time and the brain still did not adapted to life without porn, but it is very bad to intentionally get yourself turned on by porn because cravings can get out of control pretty quickly.

I know you have no PIED so maybe you can get away with some texting i dont know... But the message is for those who are reading this and are having PIED. No porn whatsoever is the only path to recovery.

Porn is not just extreme bullshit on tube site. It can be soft, it can be sexting, reading erotic stories or talking on the phone about sexual stuff that turn you on. Whenever you are getting aroused by yourself, you are using porn. When you are on webcam or on the phone with your gf, if you look around yourself, you are still by yourself. Think of yourself as a porn user, not a porn watcher.

Sorry to crash your party but I see you have hundreds of views and I bet a lot of them are PIED or hardcore cases. I dont want them to get an impression that is okay to use sexting or any other type of porn as a substitute for tube sites.



 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 11:24:21 AM by Nikola Numez »
My last relapse: 03.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 10+

Johnny Trailer

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #27 on: June 08, 2019, 11:23:13 AM »
Also its not a good sign that you got EXTREMELY turned on by sexting with your gf. You get turned on by porn anyway. If you want to quit porn, goal is not to get extremely turned on by porn but to avoid it at all times.

« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 11:25:04 AM by Nikola Numez »
My last relapse: 03.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 10+

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #28 on: June 08, 2019, 11:27:34 AM »
As a porn addict struggling to recover from porn, it is extremely bad idea to have sexual text conversations. For the first few months, less and less porn cues will turn you on more and more. That is normal because you are depriving yourself for long periods of time and the brain still did not adapted to life without porn, but it is very bad to intentionally get yourself turned on by porn because cravings can get out of control pretty quickly.

I know you have no PIED so maybe you can get away with some texting i dont know... But the message is for those who are reading this and are having PIED. No porn whatsoever is the only path to recovery.

Porn is not just extreme bullshit on tube site. It can be soft, it can be sexting, reading erotic stories or talking on the phone about sexual stuff that turn you on. Whenever you are getting aroused by yourself, you are using porn. Yes, when you are on webcam or on the phone with your gf, if you look around yourself, you are still by yourself. Think of yourself as a porn user, not a porn watcher.

Sorry to crash your party but I see you have hundreds of views and I bet a lot of them are PIED or hardcore cases. I dont want them to get an impression that is okay to use sexting or any other type of porn as a substitute for tube sites.

That's fair. Thank you for your honest reply. It's not my intention to encourage people to see sexual conversations as part of a healthy reboot. Maybe I should have clarified that this was not a sexting session. We exchanged a couple of sexy comments that I found to be very arousing. Since my goal is hard mode, at least for now, I wasn't interested in following that arousal.

I agree that the definition of porn is much broader than tube sites, especially for those of us working on a reboot. But, to me, it's perfectly natural to be turned on by the thought of being with my girlfriend.

Johnny Trailer

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #29 on: June 08, 2019, 11:54:46 AM »
okay then i misunderstood you or you was not clear enough. getting super sexual in a goodnight text conversation sounds like sexting to me. okay i think i now know what you meant. sexy comments will spontaneously happen from time to time its okay.

you are close to double digit days, keep going you doing alright. stay careful about your communication with your girlfriend now that you are separated. 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 11:56:34 AM by Nikola Numez »
My last relapse: 03.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 10+

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #30 on: June 08, 2019, 12:15:50 PM »
okay then i misunderstood you or you was not clear enough. getting super sexual in a goodnight text conversation sounds like sexting to me. okay i think i now know what you meant. sexy comments will spontaneously happen from time to time its okay.

you are close to double digit days, keep going you doing alright. stay careful about your communication with your girlfriend now that you are separated.

Thank you, man. Same to you, keep going! You're absolutely right, I need to be careful. It's clear that I could have avoided temptation in that situation before it happened. I'm just happy that it didn't lead to anything else.

You make a really good point about being aware of who might be reading what we post here and how our words might affect their reboot. What I would say to anyone reading this is that you can find yourself in a situation early in your reboot where desire is strong, BUT YOU STILL DON'T HAVE TO USE.

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #31 on: June 08, 2019, 12:24:05 PM »
Porn is Sexual Junk Food

I posted something earlier about this, but one thought that has really helped me this time around is looking at P as the sexual equivalent of junk food. Several books on sex and P addiction make this comparison. I find it's a much better analogy than comparing porn to hard drugs or whatever.

Some food is terrible for you and has no nutritional value. It tastes good in the moment, sometimes even better than whole foods, but your body pays for it later even as your brain might be screaming for more. But that doesn't mean eating is bad. The challenge for someone who has developed unhealthy eating habits or a junk food habit is to learn how to eat right.

Porn is like "empty calories." It's extremely stimulating, but it has none of the "nutritional value" of a real sexual connection. There's no intimacy, no love, no touching, no laughter, no eye contact. Porn can't joke around with you after you orgasm. For that matter, you can't give porn an orgasm. Porn can't hold your hand or listen to you.

People who quit sugar and junk food abruptly often feel like crap when they stop taking in the stuff that was making them feel like crap. It gets better.

I didn't always used to exercise and eat right. When I changed those habits, I changed my life. My hope in rebooting is that I'll experience a similar change.

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2019, 03:10:44 AM »
DAY 9
Hard Mode vs Soft Mode

This is my first time rebooting in hard mode. I've gone over a month without P before, but 9 days is the longest I've ever gone without M. Here are some of the differences I've noticed between hard mode and soft mode.

Hard mode has made me feel better faster. I'm only in my second week, but I can say that 9 days of hard mode feels easier than 9 days of soft mode. Doing it this way creates an upward spiral where I end up focusing more and more on nonsexual outlets that make me feel less restless and more comfortable in my reboot. Feeling better makes me want to focus more on those positive activities and the positive cycle feeds itself.

My cravings for porn are morphing into general horniness. I know I have to be careful because those reward pathways for porn don't just disappear in a week, but it's a good sign that human contact is turning me on more than the thought of using.

I have to get used to my energy coming back to normal. Before this reboot, I had been P free for around 40 days, but then I had a massive slip where I was binging. My energy levels were super low following that binge. Now, normal feels a little hyper especially because I'm not used to the added energy of not O-ing at all.

Stoked to be starting day 9. Grateful to have RN. Thanks for reading.

--MOM

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2019, 03:33:48 AM »
Some Motivating Videoes

I spent this morning watching some Youtube videos of Theo Von, Joe Rogan, and Russell Brand discussing P Addiction.  Motivating AF.



Joe Rogan & Theo Von talking about P Addiction (Just a warning, they kind of debate porn, and Rogan argues pro porn a little bit. I wouldn't watch it if you feel vulnerable to suggestion) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU9mgMtsb54

Russel Brand on P: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EOJhCsbKE4
                            https://eu.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2015/03/03/russell-brands-new-role-anti-porn-crusader/24317581/

Russel Brand on P, "soft" P, and 50 Shades of Grey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l369wYpYCOg
« Last Edit: June 09, 2019, 03:42:38 AM by MindOverModem »

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #34 on: June 10, 2019, 04:28:24 AM »
DAY 10
The built-in Forgetter

Keeping an eye on these cravings. I make progress and start feeling like this problem is behind me. But then I find myself deep in craving out of the blue. That's what happened yesterday. I was washing my hands before dinner, and I started thinking about a P related subreddit I used to frequent. Not only did I have a strong craving, but I told myself the lie that I might as well give in and have a look since I'm already thinking about it.

NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #35 on: June 10, 2019, 04:35:49 AM »
What's your 'Why'?

I was looking at some of my old posts from an earlier attempt at rebooting, and I noticed a vital difference between then and now:

My reasons for rebooting have gotten better. I was definitely aware that there are some deeper reasons to quit P, but my focus was mainly on sex and attraction. I wanted to reboot because so few guys live P free, it might make me stand out. Fair enough, that might be a nice side-effect of the process, but it's not the main reason for doing it.

My focus this time is deeper and more serious. I've mentioned compassion and a loving connection in this thread. I've focused on the person I'm becoming and a desire not to sexually objectify others.

Because I have a better "why" motivating my reboot, the "how" of not looking at P one day at a time is much easier.

--MOM

zazen

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #36 on: June 10, 2019, 04:45:10 PM »
 
Quote
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.

Nice work! as you already know, there will be a lot of these "character building" experiences.
...and what you did, was a demonstration of true inner strength! a true will to change. keep it up

I agree, it is about so much more to this.. compassion and a loving connection toward one self and others, are definitely on top of the scale.
Wish you strength ahead - 10 days is outstanding! you are on to a great start

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2019, 01:42:02 AM »
Quote
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.

Nice work! as you already know, there will be a lot of these "character building" experiences.
...and what you did, was a demonstration of true inner strength! a true will to change. keep it up

I agree, it is about so much more to this.. compassion and a loving connection toward one self and others, are definitely on top of the scale.
Wish you strength ahead - 10 days is outstanding! you are on to a great start

Thank you! There's a thing in AA about how "we stop fighting anyone or anything, even alcohol." Every day, this reboot becomes a little bit less about NOT watching P and a little bit more about the positive things I replacing it with.

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2019, 03:02:51 AM »
Day 11
A Few Things I Wish I could Tell my Past Self

As I've said before, I think it's only natural to compare past reboot attempts to your current one. Here are a few things I wish I could go back and tell myself. Obviously, I can't change the past, but I can have a different attitude moving forward. This is more like a list of what I've learned.

Post More, Use the Forum
I have an incredible tool to help me reboot literally at my fingertips. I know that a day where I check in here, share my experience, and read others' stories is a day when I'm less likely to use.

Read Up
My first week, I read three books and watched hours of Youtube content on P and sex addiction and rebooting. Knowledge really is power, and it helps to immerse myself in the culture of quitting P.

Porn is More than Pics and Videos
My previous relapses all began with articles and podcasts. That classic definition of P "I know it when I see it" is exactly right. Of all media, I have to ask the question, "does this content serve any purpose besides helping people get off?"

Careful Whose Advice you Take
In past attempts at rebooting, I would often look for "evidence" that P was okay or that I could look at just images or whatever. This time, I've made a decision to cut out P completely. That's my goal, to free myself from P, not to redefine it so that I'm technically already free.

There is no failing, only learning
I got where I am now by fucking up over and over and trying again a little bit wiser.

Embrace the Unkown
I am painfully aware of where P leads. On the other hand, the reboot is a beautiful unknown. Instead of trying to micromanage the outcome, I'm excited to be on a journey into that unknown.

jixu

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #39 on: June 11, 2019, 09:27:20 AM »
The concept of "no failing, only learning" is a great one and is useful for not only the porn journey but for many facets of life, including the career quest. Like you, I am also paying more attention to diet in the sense of trying to cut down on sugar; I'm not fanatical about it but it sure is something that needs to be moderated.

Keep plowing ahead and great job on the double digits!

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #40 on: June 11, 2019, 12:54:53 PM »
The concept of "no failing, only learning" is a great one and is useful for not only the porn journey but for many facets of life, including the career quest. Like you, I am also paying more attention to diet in the sense of trying to cut down on sugar; I'm not fanatical about it but it sure is something that needs to be moderated.

Keep plowing ahead and great job on the double digits!

Thank you, my friend. I wish you luck cutting back on the sugar; not an easy thing to do! Moderation is always hard. It's easier to go to the extreme of abstaining from something, but when it comes to sex or food, a life without them isn't desirable or even possible. That's what makes addiction issues related to these things much trickier to deal with than drugs or alcohol.

I got the learning thing from Brazillian jiu-jitsu, but it really applies to almost everything in life, like you said. We're all here to learn. And the thing is, you end up learning whether you want to or not. In my experience, I either learn by making the same mistakes over and over until I can't take it anymore and get willing to try something different OR by doing things the easy way, pausing to chose a more sensible path. 

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #41 on: June 11, 2019, 01:23:07 PM »
Today I Battled the Craving Boss

I was driving along when I got the most INTENSE image in my head of an image from a scene I used to watch constantly. I felt an overwhelming desire to look at P, not right away because I was driving, but as soon as I got home.

NOT TODAY!

The craving got worse and worse. It felt like the urge to breathe, it was that strong. To make matters even worse, the craving called in reinforcements in the form of every stupid justification in the book. "Couldn't I just look at a still image?"

NOT TODAY!

I leaned on my reboot program. I walked myself through where I know having "just one look" will lead me.

I reminded myself that the intensity of this urge is strong evidence for why I SHOULD NOT give into it. If I really could look at a little P and call it a day, I wouldn't have such powerful cravings to do so.

I reflected on the progress I've made, and I really focused on the shame I would feel at giving that up. By not "just taking a look," I can choose not to experience that shame today. The craving passed, and I lived to write about it here.

One thing that really helped me avoid disaster was staying busy. I was out driving.  Even though I wanted to, it would have been impossible for me to use right then and there. The car felt like it was protecting me in that sense.

Gonna read and get some work done and enjoy the free time I might have spent staring into the abyss. I know I'll have to fight the boss again soon, but each battle gives me confidence that I can be the kind of guy who just doesn't look at it.

--MOM


zazen

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #42 on: June 11, 2019, 04:05:15 PM »
great posts today! you inspire me. thank you for sharing that!
we're definitely going to take that bull head on again.. but we got this. this time we are suited up with the very best tactics, experience and support.

all the best

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #43 on: June 12, 2019, 05:16:36 AM »
great posts today! you inspire me. thank you for sharing that!
we're definitely going to take that bull head on again.. but we got this. this time we are suited up with the very best tactics, experience and support.

all the best

The inspiration is mutual. Thanks for reading. Wishing you strength in that battle!

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2019, 05:19:18 AM »
DAY 12

Not a lot to report today. It's one of those days that makes me say "this must be what 'normal' feels like" no intense ups and downs. No cravings yet, it's the first day I've made it to lunchtime without at least one major craving.

Something I've started working into my reboot is waking up early. Gamechanger. It feels so good to get shit done before other people are even awake. I've "won" the past few days, getting everything done that I need to, before lunch. The afternoon becomes a bonus at that point.

--MOM

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #45 on: June 13, 2019, 05:31:06 AM »
Day 13

Winning the day so far, and it's not even lunchtime. I'm getting so much more done compared to a few weeks ago that I'm having to put more on my to-do list every day because I'm finishing the important stuff early.

Weird dreams last night, dreaming not about sex but P. Fucking strange how that works, but it's not surprising.

One thing I can say so far, it's UNREAL how much meditation helps. With practice, you learn to slow the moment down and let go of your thoughts. It's like dodging bullets in the Matrix, no joke. Since I've stepped up the meditation to twice per day and added long walks without my phone, it has become so much easier to see a craving coming and just let pass without freaking out and feeling like I need to look at P or beat myself up for having the occasional urge. Lifesaver.

Pete McVries

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2019, 07:02:37 AM »
I've been wanting to get into meditation for soooo long. I tried it several times whether it be meditation on my own or guided meditation with apps like "headspace". But I always felt like it didn't help me. There was no feeling of epiphany or like I had success. Perhaps, I was too results-orientated... If you don't mind and have the time, can you link me some helpful sources how to get started? Advice in general on meditation would be greatly appreciated!

Take care!
nine months clean and counting...

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2019, 01:25:32 PM »
I've been wanting to get into meditation for soooo long. I tried it several times whether it be meditation on my own or guided meditation with apps like "headspace". But I always felt like it didn't help me. There was no feeling of epiphany or like I had success. Perhaps, I was too results-orientated... If you don't mind and have the time, can you link me some helpful sources how to get started? Advice in general on meditation would be greatly appreciated!

Take care!

Of course! Headspace is a great place to start. Sometimes it's a matter of trying different things and seeing what works. Some people prefer a mantra meditation, others do better with mindfulness or zazen.

I'm not an expert, but I've been doing it every day  for 8 years now, and it has--no exageration--changed my life. I would probably be dead if it wasn't for meditation.

But to your point about looking for something. That sounds like it could be what made it not work for you. There's no goal in meditation. It's not supposed to get you anywhere. It's just a practice of observing your thoughts without reacting to them. The reason you have an object of meditation, like your breath or a mantra or counting, is so you have something to "anchor" you that you can come back to when your mind wanders (which it will.)

It's not about not thinking or turning your thoughts off. That's not even possible. Instead, you try to observe whatever you're experiencing and thinking in the present moment. It's a subtle thing, but it comes down to the difference between getting caught up in a thought vs. noticing that a thought is just a thought.

One way I've heard it described is that each time you catch yourself wandering off into thoughts, that's like a "rep" in the gym. The more you practice, the easier it is to notice these things. You sit there, you have an itch. Does scratching the itch fix anything? what if you just sit there and feel what it's like to itch?

The main thing is consistency. It's better to do 5 minutes every day than to sit for a long time when you really "feel like it." It's about developing a practice, not just using it to chill out when you feel like you need it.

Anyway, here are some resources.

The simplest practice is counting to 10. And by simplest, I don't mean dumbed-down or basic. Many serious zen students start that way. Here's an outstanding article by Mark Manson on meditation. In it he describes the counting to 10 practice. He also argues why you should meditate:
https://markmanson.net/meditation

Other than that, Headspace might be worth another try. There's an outstanding book called Mindfulness in Plain English.

Ultimately,

How to Meditate: https://www.mindful.org/how-to-meditate/
20 tips for Beginnners: https://zenhabits.net/meditation-guide/

I hope this helps. I'll post more later when I have the time.

--MOM

MindOverModem

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #48 on: June 13, 2019, 01:30:44 PM »
Meditation Speeds up your Reboot

One thing I'd say to everyone. Meditation is super helpful if you're dealing with the "when the hell am I going to get better?" feeling. As the science shows, rebooting is about neuroplasticity. Meditation has been proven to restructure the brain in ways that improve the same functions that are damaged by P addiction.

Books on P addiction like Fortify recommend meditation or even just "quiet time." Addiction experts going back to the founders of AA in the 1930s have recommended meditation for breaking cycles of addiction and dependence.

It works.

Pete McVries

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Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« Reply #49 on: June 13, 2019, 03:03:35 PM »
Thanks your reply, MOM. I'll try getting into meditation again come next week and I'll plan on doing it regularly to develop some kind of consistency.
nine months clean and counting...