Author Topic: And I'm off.  (Read 19792 times)

Jijnyasu

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And I'm off.
« on: September 10, 2014, 10:42:11 AM »
48 hours. Well, 49.5, really, but who's counting. Might not sound like much, but I can't remember the last time I went that long. Something just "clicked" and I stopped. 8AM Monday morning. I finished and said "That's it. No more."

I haven't been trying, or working at it, it's just not on the list of available options anymore. My wife has known forever, and she knows it's a big part of why we're not closer. I don't know if she knows that I've stopped, but she knows I'm doing something. We're spending more time together, and things are already different. I hope my body responds quickly and things get to something more like "normal" in a few weeks.

I don't plan to post a lot, or even look at this site much. Yesterday I realized that when I think about "not watching porn" it reminds me of porn. It seems better, for me, to just focus on other things. One really interesting shift that's starting to happen: I can see women and not immediately have sexual thoughts. Well, most of the time.

I've made halfhearted attempts to stop this in the past, but this one is really different. It feels different. I'm not gritting my teeth trying to make it through a tempting episode. As soon as the thought enters my mind I just shut it down. "I don't do that". When an image pops us on my computer that used to trigger me to go find porn, I move on immediately. It's like I realized my "old friend" is really a horrible enemy that's been attacking me for decades. And I finally told him to leave me the hell alone. I'm done.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2014, 10:48:56 PM »
I had an interesting experience tonight. I realized just how many "creepy" things I was doing. Caught myself getting ready to do one. Not porn, but the same devil in a different mask. I used to try to look in my neighbor's window when she was undressing. It's hard to say that even here where I'm completely anonymous. I saw the light go on and her silhouette in the window. I knew if I went to my side yard I could watch through a gap in the blinds. I went as far as opening the door and walking outside before I said "What the hell are you doing?!" That made me feel kind of horrible. I have done that without even thinking so many times. It's a wonder I've never gone to jail. I won't go into detail about what I did in the damn side yard looking in the window. But thinking about it now, I can't believe I was never seen and left in the back of a police car. Actually, now that I think about it, I came really close, twice. I just explained it away to my wife and put it out of my mind. And amazingly, went right back to the same behavior!

I decided I should take a short walk to clear my head and get things in the right place again. Just around the block. Another thing I do all the time. But I realized that I look at every house I pass, in every window, just hoping to get a glimpse of something. I was doing it, but at the same time I was realizing it, and realizing how creepy it was. God, I'm the "dirty old man" who looks in windows. I've never even really admitted that to myself. Somehow that was really sobering.

So I made myself take another lap around the block. Being normal. Not looking in windows. Said hi to a man passing the other way. Enjoyed the plants and the cool weather. About half way around the second lap, I felt like I was in control again. Everything is fine. I didn't do anything, but I sure did realize how deep this thing really is. And I have to wonder if my neighbors talk about me. God I hope not. No one treats me weirdly. I was always careful. Hopefully that secret can remain a secret for ever. I feel horrible talking about it, but kind of want to get it out. Whew. At the end of the day, I managed it, shut it down, moved forward, and didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't even hard to do once I realized what was happening. But the experience has left me feeling really weird. I'm that guy. The guy I worry about my daughter running into at night. It's amazing how your brain kind of cons you. I never thought it was a big deal. Really I WASN'T EVEN CONSCIOUS OF DOING IT. Like, hey, everyone walks in the shadows outside their house looking in their neighbor's bedroom window.

Just typing this, there's so much more. So many things I've done. How did I not realize what I was doing to myself? Who I was becoming? I'm only 2 and a half days into this, but the shift in my perception is huge this time. I can see how ugly it all is. This is about more than solving my ED so I can have loving sex with my wife. This is about becoming someone that I wouldn't be afraid of. If I caught someone looking in my daughter's window, I'd go crazy! I'd grab them, call the cops, and show no mercy. And if that had happened, I'd never have made the connection that, hey, that's exactly what I DO!

This is the most "crazy" I've felt so far. It will be three days in the morning. Absolutely resolute tonight. Nothing bad is going to happen. I can't even imagine looking at porn or masturbating. I feel way to creepy. As much as I hate how this feels, I hope this perspective never leaves. And I hope, with time, I can look back and say "hey, that was a different me." Because I kind of hate that guy right now. Feeling good about weeding it out and staring it down. But kinda depressed tonight.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2014, 11:40:37 PM »
Hi Jijnyasu

Mate I would do that when I'd walk around my local area too. I never actually stood there peeping or spied on anyone undressing intentionally, but I confess I always looked into the houses out of curiosity I guess.

You have come to the right place and I would encourage you to read as much as you possibly can as well as regularly maintain your own journal of your experiences.

It really does help, seriously! Because some of the best help I have found has come from reading other peoples journals and writing my own.

Be prepared, the early days will be the hardest for you (they were the hardest for me), though it really helped me by adopting the "porn is not an option for me" mindset. Someone shared this link with me in the first few days of my reboot and after reading the article everything made so much more sense, and my path became a lot easier. So I'll share the same link with you in the hope it will help you also?

You can read more about the "Porn is NOT an option" mindset here.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=f5777bcfb4f7a9c5e5eae32d7a90087d&topic=3078.0

Welcome to the forum and good luck with your journey

 

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2014, 10:54:43 AM »
Thank you. That is exactly the mind set I have. I don't know how, or why exactly, but it was just like a light switch.

The good news is, avoiding porn and masturbation has been fairly easy. It crosses my mind, but so far, three days in, I can easily shut it down. The bad news is, I feel really crappy about the person I've been for a few decades. And it's alarming when I now realize how much of my day I spend objectifying women. It isn't just the porn. Its looking at every woman as a sex object. I'm shutting that down, but it's harder.

I'll get there. It's only three days.

RecoveringObjectifier

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2014, 04:36:17 PM »
If you have any young female relatives like nieces or cousins, to say nothing of daughters, it helps to imagine how you would react if you saw guys looking at them a little too long, or if you could read their minds.  Then just reverse the roles!

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2014, 07:53:14 PM »
Thank you. Yes, that's a good strategy. I do have a daughter, so that helps. Oddly, I find something as simple as looking at a woman's face, rather than just an ass or boobs helps me remember that she's a human being.

Man. I had a weird day. I still don't have any real understanding of what snapped me into the frame of mind I'm in. Something is happening in my brain. It's never been any mystery that I used a lot of porn when I was stressed out. I have a lot going on right now and I'm really stressed out. But now I'm not getting the self medicated release I used to. One of my employees, who's a good friend, came to me today and said "You've been really grumpy all week". She's right. A comment from an ass hole at the office that should have made me roll my eyes resulted in me flipping him off behind his back. Real mature. On the way home I was just about to go full on road rage.

But this is weird. I'm home alone, on the computer. You'd think I'd be in major trouble. But I'm not even tempted. Whatever changed really did change. Thinking about looking at porn just seems creepy. I did have a very difficult time in a meeting earlier today with a young woman I don't know very well. I have noticed that she's really attractive and has big boobs. But she wore a top that left a gap over her slacks when she sat down. From where I was sitting I could see a tattoo on her back. A "Tramp Stamp" as they used to call them. I'd never seen it before. Really, really, really hard not to stare at it, and almost impossible not to visualize doing things with her. I did okay. Not great, but okay, I guess, under the circumstances. That's the worst episode I've had so far. But I wasn't tempted to masturbate afterward. Just had some thoughts I'd rather not have.

I think this is wrong, because I'm just not that far into this, but I do kind of feel like I'm just not interested in sex at all. A lot like what I've read about "flat line". I'm pretty sure it can't be that only three days in. I'm getting minor morning wood, but it's gone almost as soon as I realize I'm awake. Other than that, my dick feels totally dead. Nothing at all. Even when I was staring at that woman in the meeting. It's almost like the ED is worse, but I don't really know because I haven't tried anything. And I don't really want to know.

So. I was wrong in my first post about not spending much time here. I'm here a lot. Reading a lot, and posting here more than I thought I would. It does help to read things. At least I kind of feel like I know what to expect, and kind of good to know that there are a lot of guys dealing with this. It makes me feel slightly less like a worthless creep and gives me hope that this will pass.

LLTJR

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2014, 08:10:46 PM »
I appreciate you being specific about what happened in the work environment (tramp stamp story). I made my first post tonight and I can tell this is going to be helpful. The fact is i am in very intimate conversations with women I interact with professionally and porn and other images has got me fantasizing at the drop of a hat about the woman I am working with. This is killing my ability to see her with compassion and respecting her as a human being. Recently, it has gotten totally out of control and though I haven't said anything inappropriate, one wrong word and or move could do irreparable damage.

SO thanks for putting yourself out there. I am inspired to be detailed in my posts and get this crap off my mind.

Myformerself

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2014, 09:02:31 PM »
Thanks for the post on the Anger thing.  Today is the first day I noticed my fuse was really pretty short.  When I was really into the porn binging thing (like it was so long ago... only 10 days!), I would notice that after a big porn binge (as in 4-5 hours of constant porn and edging) I would be extremely short tempered.  I always wondered if it was a testosterone thing.. like I had build up all this testosterone by edging for so long that I had to release it.  But today it was different, no porn binge, just me feeling like an asshole and having no patience for anyone.  Oddly, hearing your point of not having the release put it in a good context for me.  I think that is likely it and knowing that allows me to rationally control it a bit more.

Thanks for the post, and keep on with the "porn is not an option"!

relapse king

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2014, 09:29:36 PM »
Its been 39 days for me and boy was i angry at the start its starting to settle down and i'm becoming less and less volatile. Feeling pretty damn good these days with the guilt lifted and not beating my self up.  Its gets better guys. Keep it up.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2014, 01:33:35 AM »
Great posts everyone.

One thing I have learnt from reading all the different posts is that rebooting will be different for everyone, though there will be similarities.

The main similarity seems to be the comment that it does get easier the longer you go. I'm finding the reboot fairly easy. Some days are harder than others with more thoughts and triggers, but none of them are serious struggle days where I am fighting the urge. I attribute that to having the porn is not an option mindset. When I was pointed to that thread and read it something "clicked" in me, it all just made perfect sense. The journey after that has been easier than the first few days. 

Now I'm only at day 22 or there about following a 40 year addiction. I know I can't seriously be claiming to have beaten this addiction until I have successfully been sober for at least a year, and then I know I'll need to be vigilant of my thoughts for the remainder of my life.

In the first few days I to became aware of how I objectify women I see. Always checking out their boobs and butts and imagining them in sexual scenario's. And I have had to consciously be aware of my thinking as part of my reboot so that I exclude those thoughts from my mind as quickly as I can.

So don't feel bad about the things your discovering about yourself and your auto response systems. Part of that is natural in men anyway its just be hyper sexualised by the porn use.

Your doing great so far just coming to the realisations you are. Keep up the good work.     

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2014, 11:05:52 AM »
Thanks for all the input, and glad my candor might be helping others. That angry feeling stuck around most of the night. I told my wife I was stressed out and having a rough day. I've been telling her how much I appreciate that we're spending more time together. As I said, she's known about my issue for years, but we don't really talk about it. And she knows I'm working on my ED issues. There's probably a part of her brain that has put it together. But she's super supportive either way. She sat with me and we watched some of the game. I had a couple of glasses of wine and got calmed down. I went to bed early and got to sleep fairly easily for the first time this week. That was nice. I still woke up in the night, but stayed in bed and just tried to get back to sleep. In the past that would have been an automatic porn session. In fact, I think I've conditioned myself to wake up in the night for that reason. It will probably take a long time for that to get back to normal.

I did have one thing that I think might be really good news, at least I hope. When I woke up I had a very strong, healthy erection. It was there this morning when I woke up too, so probably happened several times in the night. It surprised me. In the past if I went a couple of days without masturbating, I would get morning wood, but it wasn't really good. That's been happening this week too. This is day four, and honestly, this may be the longest I've gone in 20 years. Maybe more. It would be wonderful to discover that some of the ED issues could resolve quickly. I'm not counting on that based on one day, but at least it shows me that there is a clear difference downstairs as a result of my behavior. It was very motivational. I feel really solid today and I know I'm going to have another successful day. And if I do have a period of flat line, knowing this happened at this point will help me through it.

Though the erection didn't change my libido issue much. That's good in a way, since it probably made it a lot easier to just roll over and try to go back to sleep. But it's a little weird. I'm not questioning it, just moving forward. I know this will be a long process and I'm only a few days in. It will all come together in time.

Sorry these things get long. I'm not expecting anyone to read all of it. This is mostly for me, really.

I realized something else yesterday, and I bet other people have had similar experiences. I went to the doctor about ED years ago. He said I had high blood pressure. I take pills for that now and it's under control. But the ED persisted. He said I had low Testosterone, and I do. We're treating that now too. But the ED has persisted. I used those other issues as excuses. Every time my doctor gave me a reason, I told myself that what I was doing is okay. That's not the problem. It's this other thing. We'll fix that and everything will be okay. But somewhere in there, I knew those weren't causing the problem. That's why the over-night erection is great news. I didn't get that with blood pressure treatment, or testosterone treatment. But just a few days of addressing the real issue resulted in a change. No, I'm not saying I'm "cured". Far from it. But it's a strong indication that this really is the problem. Of course, I've known that for years. But now it's becoming undeniable. And that's empowering. Because I can fix this.

And I'm already seeing that it will do more than fix my ED. I'm slowly becoming a better person. It will take a lot of time. I look forward to a day when I'm not constantly redirecting my thoughts. But that will take a while. Last night I went for a walk again. It really does help clear my head. And instead of telling myself, "I can do this" or "everything is okay" I started telling myself "You're a good man". That's my mantra from now on. I'm not just going to stop using porn, I'm going to become the man I want to be. And I'll keep telling myself "You're a good man" until I feel like I'm that way all the time.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2014, 04:22:20 PM »
That mantra of "Your a good man" is great. Infact I'm going to use that myself now every time I get distracted by a trigger, and make it part of my self dialogue.

Ed is a challenging thing because it's for most of us porn addicts, it's all in our heads. Getting morning wood kind of proves that everything is working as it should, at least when we are unconscious of it (ie asleep). It's when we are conscious of the problem that we sometimes over think or become concerned about whether we'll be able to perform or not when we're next with a partner.

I suffered from ED for a long time because of my frequent porn use, and I had trained my brain to only find sexual stimulation from the kind of porn I enjoyed watching, and essentially I ended up in a situation where nothing else could compete for my arousal. Since rebooting it has gotten better. In fact a lot better. However I'm still aware that there is still a bit of a head game going inside my brain when it comes time to make love to my wife. I still worry about whether I'll be able to gain and maintain my erection. I suspect only time and continued success will overcome those thoughts and concerns.

For me using some of the bonding techniques that can be found here  http://www.reuniting.info/ and in particular here  http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Bonding.Behaviors.pdf  have made a difference, because it has increased the level of non sexual intimacy between myself and my wife, and that generally leads to ther things  ;)     

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2014, 04:55:40 PM »
Thanks Rider. Those links are really good.

I didn't say it clearly in my previous post, but I'm under no delusion that the morning wood means I'll be able to have normal sex any time soon. I just like that there is a clear difference when their hasn't been one before. Just some kind of a sign that this is the right road and it will eventually get me where I want to be. We have been able to have successful sex in the fairly recent past with the help of Viagra. At first it seemed like it was the answer to all my problems. But that was short lived. Now, sometimes even with it, I can't maintain an erection. And recently, even if I do, I've found it very hard to climax, which I now know is because of the porn and masturbation. Most interesting is, even with the Viagra, we just rarely even try. So many issues that have nothing to do with "sex" and everything to do with how messed up my brain is. Right now, just sitting with her, watching TV with her head on my shoulder feels like a huge step in the right direction. I think that's touching on the ideas in the link you posted. Something like that is the next step. Thank you.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2014, 05:14:44 PM »
Mate I know exactly what you've gone through.

I used Cialis and had fairly good success with it, mainly because it helped me as much mentally as it did psyically. 
But I found I was becoming psychologically dependant on the meds too a large degree as well.
 
In the same way my mind would be thinking "You idiot, you have jacked off 3 times today to porn, there's no way your going to be able to get it up tonight if Mrs Rider is feeling frisky". When I was using Cialas I would think, "you haven't taken your pills, so without them your not going to be able to get it up".

Both thoughts were ultimately self fulfilling. The cialas also leaft me with a stronger libido, hence, even after making love with Mrs Rider, the next day I'd be binging on porn to satisfy my hightened libido caused by the cialas. Talk about your double edged sord!  :D

I have thought of going back to Cialas to help me through the reboot process, but I have chosen not too because I want to get back to a healthy sense of normality and I don't want to become relaint on the meds to function as a man.     

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2014, 05:36:47 PM »
Man it's good to know I'm not the only one. I used to take the Viagra then go find porn after sex and all the next day so I wasn't "wasting" it. Or she'd show interest in sex for the first time in weeks and I'd say "Let's try tomorrow" because I knew I'd been jerking off all day. Crazy how that all seemed kind of normal to me. I can't believe how my perspective on things has changed so dramatically and absolutely in such a short period of time. I guess I was just "ready" to change or something. That all somehow seems like a million years ago. But there's a little voice in the back of my head that doesn't believe it will last. That will take more than four days.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2014, 05:59:51 PM »
It will take more than four days. That I can assure you of.

For me I reached a point where to be honest I thought I was pretty much "porned out". I still lusted after it daily, but it was taking longer and longer to find something that would get me off, hours and hours in fact!

As for the meds. I was that fucked up that I was taking the meds so that I could make love to Mrs Rider at night, then I'd take another around midnight so I could be rock hard doing a cam to cam session with a lady I was having an online relationship with the following morning.

It got so out of control for me, I hated myself, had lots of suicidal thoughts over it thinking I'll never be able to beat this, and eventually I think I just reached a point where my mind and body had had enough. I deleted all my accounts. Deleted all teh photo's I'd been sent and had taken of myself, and then went looking for a solution which lead me here.

I expect its going to take me a long time to recover, if I will ever recovery fully? I don't expect I will, and as I have said many times, I expect this reboot will become a life long journey of vigilance and awareness for me.
 

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2014, 06:38:20 PM »
Thinking about the things I've done, and feeling really, really rotten about myself has been the subject of much thought over the last few days. One little step after another. And the next thing you know you're in a Motel 6 looking at ads for Transvestite escorts. Thank God I didn't make that call. What I did do is plenty bad enough. And MAN I'm glad to read other guys did weird, kind of gay stuff. That might be what freaked me out enough to stop. And hey, a transvestite doesn't make you gay, does it! Wow. Thinking about all that bizzaro stuff, and doing pretty terrible stuff, when I have a lovely wife sitting at home wishing we had a good sex life. I hope I never do anything else in my life that approaches how bad that sounds now. And I hope I'm never in a frame of mind where that doesn't sound really twisted again.

And I agree, I'm sure things will get better. There are a load of stories on here from guys who have gotten past this stuff. But I doubt it will ever be totally over. At this age, I've been doing this crap for most of my life. I guess it's like a recovering alcoholic. You can beat it, but you'll be at it for the rest of your life. I'm just glad I finally have a real start going. Four days seems so insignificant, but it's the longest I've gone in ages. I keep thinking at one week, it will probably be the longest I've gone without an orgasm since my first orgasm. That's kind of weird.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2014, 07:43:35 PM »
My wife is amazing. I had been saying, if the time kind of came up, I'd tell her. Well, it sort of did. So I started to tell her. She stopped me and said "I know you're really working hard on things. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere." It made me cry. God I love her.

dataguy

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2014, 09:53:34 PM »
Jijnyasu the candor of your posts is very encouraging for me.  I just started my reboot on this site a few days ago, I haven't posted as much detail as you have but I've engaged in activities and considered activities that I'm not happy about and that I hope are becoming less likely as I reboot. 

I like the reboot name and connotation a lot.  It kind of has the implication of resetting my brain setting to some healthier "default" values that I've messed up over time.

I want to let you know that I'm in something like the same shape as you and I'm pulling for you.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2014, 10:56:41 PM »
Thanks, Dataguy. I'm afraid there's more to share. But I'm not quite there yet. Facing all of it is really hard. And there are parts of it I'm not sure I'm ready to get over. I have a lot of work to do. Getting it out there, even on an anonymous forum, really is helping. But there's kind of a lot to face. I'm going to bed. And when I wake up, it will be five days. One more without giving into this idiocy. One more closer to a more normal life.

Man, I'll tell you. Putting it out there is cathartic. Some of it is pretty deplorable. I really kind of hate the person I had become. But posting it here is a step to putting it behind me. I wish there wasn't still a fair bit to tell. One day at a time. Really, one hour. No, one moment in time after another. Just be the better man I know I can be. And keep being that man.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2014, 02:38:24 PM »
I need to be careful today. Five days down. My wife and I had a fun evening last night. It's surprising how quickly some of the old comfortable feelings are coming back. She's really fantastic and I feel closer to her every day. We've both been stressed out, so it was nice to spend time together just goofing off. But wow, we kinda drank too much. lol I'm not too worried about that. It was kind of a bonding experience. But I need to watch it. A lot of weird dreams this morning in the hangover haze. Thinking about things I shouldn't think about. I did feel much more vulnerable and had to really snap myself out of it. So, even though I'm stressed out, I think I need to avoid alcohol for a bit until I get a few weeks behind me. I need to keep myself in the right frame of mind. But I made it though the morning. Have a bit of a headache, though. lol But it will pass.

Five days down. Staying on track and doing pretty well.

dataguy

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #21 on: September 13, 2014, 05:06:25 PM »
I'm less worried about alcohol than about the P, but I'm cutting back a great deal on alcohol and I can tell that is helping.  I sleep better with a cup of tea and a valerian root capsule than I do if I have alcohol.  If I sleep better, everything the next day is better.  In the past I would PMO in the daytime, and then use alcohol to sedate myself in the evening to quit worrying about, or thinking about the porn use that I was not content with.  So the two would sort of feed on each other.  At the same time I was trying to bicycle a lot and work on improving my overall health.  Of course these two are diametrically opposed. 

Not trying to dictate to you, just relating what I'm finding.  I guess I'm trying to gently suggest caution with alcohol.

Myformerself

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #22 on: September 13, 2014, 09:00:47 PM »
Great to hear you and the wife had a good time,  you need to appreciate those times as there are plenty of tough ones in between. 
Thanks, Dataguy. I'm afraid there's more to share. But I'm not quite there yet. Facing all of it is really hard. And there are parts of it I'm not sure I'm ready to get over. I have a lot of work to do. Getting it out there, even on an anonymous forum, really is helping. But there's kind of a lot to face. I'm going to bed. And when I wake up, it will be five days. One more without giving into this idiocy. One more closer to a more normal life.

Man, I'll tell you. Putting it out there is cathartic. Some of it is pretty deplorable. I really kind of hate the person I had become. But posting it here is a step to putting it behind me. I wish there wasn't still a fair bit to tell. One day at a time. Really, one hour. No, one moment in time after another. Just be the better man I know I can be. And keep being that man.

Share at your own rate, and I assure you that most of us are in the same boat.  The porn addiction had me doing some pretty  stupid low down stuff.  Take it day by day, and share when it feels right.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2014, 10:55:16 PM »
Well, I'm sitting alone, in a motel room, on the internet. And after I post here, I'm shutting the laptop and going to sleep! I knew porn was bad and I knew it was effecting things. But I've had some time to think about this, and I didn't know it was directly causing my ED. Man, we got to get the word out about this. All I have to do is think about why I'm not using porn, and there is zero temptation. I hate having ED. I hate it WAY more than I liked looking at porn. And, really, every day that passes that I don't look at porn, I realize I did't like it at all. It was just easy. And it helped me calm myself down. I just didn't realize the extent of the issue. I always though it I took a couple of days off, everything would be fine. So when it wasn't, I was sure it was all these issues my Doc. kept telling me it was. He has still never even asked if I use porn. They should. If he had mentioned a year ago that using too much internet porn and masturbating could cause ED I would have known, even if I couldn't have been honest with him. At least I would have the information I needed to figure it out. Yeah, there's a spot in my brain that knew it was causing problems. When I read the reality, I can't say I was surprised. But seeing it spelled out as a cause and effect thing, with a full explanation about the dopamine receptors and sensitization. Then reading it takes several months to get past it if it all goes really well. Dang. I just didn't know that. And just like that, porn holds no appeal to me. I suspect I'll have to fight some temptation at some point. But I think that will be way down the road.

And really quickly, I started seeing all the other issues it caused. Those thoughts pretty much took over my brain all the time. Today on the drive down here, I thought about all kinds of things. I listened to some new music. I through through some projects I'm doing. Just normal stuff. Honestly, just two weeks ago I was on a trip and ALL I thought about was deviant sex stuff. And I made plans for how I was going to use all that alone time. Man. I guess that trip is what pushed me over the edge. It just took a few days to sink in, maybe. But I took it to another level that seems to have shaken me up enough to fix some things.

I mentioned the hangover this morning. lol Yeah. That was really weird. And images of things I'd watched in the past kept popping into my head. It was strange and a little scary. Some of the things kind of shocked me. Things I know I watched many times and found arousing then, just seem really sick and twisted. Why the hell did that turn me on? I gave my wife a long, nice kiss when I left this afternoon. Nothing downstairs at all. I'm not tempted to go back to what used to turn me on, but I'll sure be glad when normal things turn me on again. Right now, there's just hope for the future. That's kind of a weird part of this. When we get it all messed up in our head, there is no healthy way to get aroused. Healthy things just don't do it. You just have to wait it out. And that's what I'm going to do. There's nothing else I can do.

Good night gang. I'll wake up and it will be day 6. Darn close to a week. And I don't miss porn one bit. And I'm going to spend an awesome day with my wife and kid tomorrow. Life is pretty good. And in a couple of months, it will be even better.

Guys, thanks for chiming in on this thread. I really appreciate it. Every time one of you shares something so much like what happened to me, it makes me feel a little better. I'm sure you're all good men, too. This thing beat a lot of us down. But we're getting out. And talking this through is helping keep me focused. There's some bad stuff in the world, and people who are in a frightening frame of mind. They're all too willing to drag a bunch of us down with them. It's up to us to say "Enough!"

survivor

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Re: And I'm off. - making sure you are doing okay
« Reply #24 on: September 14, 2014, 10:49:48 AM »
Hey Jijnyasu!

How are you making out today man? You've been really faithful about posting over the past few days. Because I hadn't seen any postings from you today I wanted to make sure things were still going well for you. Being in a hotel room by yourself can be a slippery place.


Thinkin' of you and rootin' for you,

Survivor