Author Topic: And I'm off.  (Read 20276 times)

Pheonix

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #50 on: September 18, 2014, 12:35:47 PM »
I can relate.

So far, quitting PMO has been relatively easy, quitting MO very difficult but very possible, and contacts from my past are like my Kryptonite! I have not been in contact or responded to any of my previous relationships, but it is the absolute hardest part for me so far. I guess that means it is the last part of the addiction that needs my full attention and vigilance. Thinking about it as a test is actually very helpful. There may be a reason all of those contacts came at once. You are being put to the test. I hope you can use it as motivation and be up to the challenge. Be strong! Get some more time in between you and these contacts and it won't be nearly as difficult.


Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #51 on: September 18, 2014, 12:50:20 PM »
Thanks for the reply. That is exactly my experience. I'm amazed the porn is fairly easy. Tempting, but easy to shut down. The MO I can do, I'm pretty sure. But this really screwed me up.

Today I've at least gotten to the point where I have ignored a text message. But these two women are very nice and they are real people who are dealing with their own problems. Ignoring them isn't really the answer. I need to tell them both that I'm working on my marriage and can't really talk to them anymore. And I know they will both understand and probably actually encourage me. I know the only thing stopping me is the little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my options open, which is exactly the opposite of what I need to do. I deleted my account on the site where I met these women. I know I won't actively go looking for anyone at this point. Shutting these doors will end it. And that's what I need to do.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #52 on: September 18, 2014, 01:44:48 PM »
Don't underestimate the power of posting things here. "Getting it all out" just seems to help me. Just a couple of hours later, one down, one to go.

I can do this. I know who I want to be. The man I want to be doesn't text women who aren't his wife. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to these other women, even if I am "honest" with them. And it isn't fair to me. All it has ever gotten me is regret.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #53 on: September 18, 2014, 02:58:10 PM »
Done. I know I did the right thing. And I tried to do it the right way. I'm proud of myself, but I feel like shit right now. That was hard. I'm a little depressed and stressed. I keep getting flashes of "Hey, let's look at some..." but I shut it down.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #54 on: September 18, 2014, 05:10:43 PM »
Those flashes and thoughts lasted about 3 weeks for me. They diminished rapidly after that. Keep strong and just shift your thought to something else as soon as they come up.

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #55 on: September 18, 2014, 10:58:45 PM »
Thanks Rider. Hopefully it will be short lived.

This has been by far the most difficult day of this adventure. Even just a few hours later, that sounds a little silly. These weren't "real" relationships, and certainly not healthy. And they were totally messing up my progress becoming the man I want to be, and having the marriage I want to have. My wife and I spent time together again tonight, and she said something really sweet about how nice it is that we're bonding so much in the last couple of weeks. She kind of instinctively asked me to touch her in a way that is very much like one of those exercises from the non sex couples bonding link. And the little sting of loss from these messed up relationships faded quite a bit.

This might all sound stupid to you if you've never made these mistakes. But I've covered a ton of ground in less than two weeks. I can do this. I'm more confidant than ever. And if any other ghosts pop up, I'm ready to deal with them.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #56 on: September 18, 2014, 11:55:18 PM »
Mate, that is awesome to read that you know you've covered so much ground.

Seriously, you have to hang in there as the rewards keep coming when you stay committed and focus your energy on just the re-bonding with your wife.

Look, as for the ghosts of the past. If you had a secret email account delete it. If you can't do that then change the password to something you'll quickly forget (don't write it down), or go in and individually block the email addresses of those old contacts so they can not contact you.

It's easily done and removes the possibility of them getting in the way later. Get rid of them now! You don't want them popping up at a weak moment down the track.

 

Pheonix

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #57 on: September 19, 2014, 10:00:58 AM »
Good job man! I know how tough it is. You did the right thing. The fog of regret will fade quickly, followed by a feeling of pride in knowing you did the right thing.

I have found it is a big help to be final about shutting doors. I got rid of old e-mail addresses, removed IM programs from my computer, wiped hard drives clean, and installed a blocker on my web browser. If I had old contact info for people, I deleted all of their info so I can get in touch with them in a moment of weakness. Don't give yourself any options!


Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #58 on: September 19, 2014, 11:30:50 AM »
Thanks guys

It's the same as avoiding porn. You decide what you're going to do, know that it's right, and don't think about it. If you let the messed up part of your brain start thinking about it, you will always come up with an excuse to do it this "one last time". I knew what I needed to do. I knew exactly what to say, and I just did it, even though a voice in the back of my head was absolutely screaming at me to do something else. I feel better about it today. And proud that I pushed through a lot of wrong thinking to do what I know is right. It's easy to type that, but it's really hard to actually do.

I've deleted accounts and contacts. I wasn't as smart about some things as I should have been. I gave my phone number to some people. It's not a practical solution to change it. No way to be 100% sure, but the odds of anyone else dropping out of the sky are very small.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2014, 11:38:34 AM by Jijnyasu »

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #59 on: September 19, 2014, 11:00:27 PM »
Just a note about how grateful I am. 

Some people win the lottery. I won the most understanding woman on the planet.

I feel like the luckiest man on Earth tonight. Even with the long road ahead, what more could I ask for?
« Last Edit: September 20, 2014, 05:15:53 PM by Jijnyasu »

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #60 on: September 22, 2014, 09:51:23 PM »
Two weeks. OK. That went by pretty quickly. And I feel like my thinking is getting right. I keep thinking about what I said about not having to worry if my wife wants to use my phone for something. I'm there. And that's really nice.

I had a rough day on Saturday. Kept thinking about things I shouldn't. But today was really good. Just have to take it a day at a time and stay focused on my goal. I'm a good person, and I'm becoming the man I want to be, with the relationship I want to have with my wife.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #61 on: September 22, 2014, 10:34:30 PM »
By staying strong you will be pleased with how things get better exponentially as you move along your reboot. At 2 weeks I was still being tested every now and then, so you will find it gets easier the further you progress. After 3 weeks it got so much easier, at least for me it did.

You have to stay determined its really as simple as that. You have to say NO to the thoughts when they arise. You have to keep your eye on the prize and remain focused on your relationship with your wife.

It does get easier and your mind will begin to clear of all the incidental shit it keeps throwing up at you. Old habits do die hard after all, so you have to expect this to be a fairly long journey to full recovery, but the improvements will come much sooner.

It may not be on the same time frame I have enjoyed, but you will get there so long as you stay true to yourself.     

survivor

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #62 on: September 22, 2014, 10:54:26 PM »
Survivor here.

My wife went off to work this evening and will not be home until tomorrow. I didn't stay strong.

I admire you guys for your determination and commitment. Something I had for just under a month a while back. However, since I slipped I have not found it in myself to stay committed to sobriety. That being said, reading your posts gives me hope.


Disappointed in myself.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #63 on: September 23, 2014, 12:09:39 AM »
Survivor,
Mate sorry to hear that you gave in.
But with the greatest respect mate, you don't just slip?
You were tested and you made a conscious choice to give in, and I feel for you.   
 
One thing I have come to realise is there is no hoping or wishing your way to success in here. There's no amount of discussion or support that can get you past this addiction if your going to accept giving into the cravings as an option when temptation arises, as it does for all of us.
   
Beating this addiction is about determination and holding yourself accountable, and I mean truly ACCOUNTABLE! and maintaining an attitude that will get you through.

The trouble with accepting relapses is that it makes it easier to accept the next one too.

I know your disappointed, but I'd encourage you to get back on the program and be more vigilant of your thoughts and where they are leading you next time.       

Pheonix

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #64 on: September 23, 2014, 08:04:36 AM »
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. I hope you find the determination to restart that counter and get back on the right track.



survivor

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #65 on: September 23, 2014, 10:00:32 AM »
Survivor here.

Thanks Phoenix and Rider.

The heaviness of this thing is sapping my energy. I think it's a feeling of hopelessness. Right now I feel as if it's hopeless for me to keep trying. I've gone head to head with the beast countless times and every time the beast ultimately wins. I get a few days sobriety under my belt, then I'm left to my own devices because I'm alone and I just cave. It's a never ending cycle.

I know it's because I won't let myself go through the initial discomfort of having to deal with the urge. I've been there before. However, I also know from past experience that if I hang in there and live with the cravings they will pass. Additionally, I know that after a few days they will lessen. I've experienced that before also. That's how I've gotten to 26 days and 35 days of sobriety.

A big part of the struggle for me is the first 72 hours after a slip. That's when the cravings are at their most powerful. After that I seem to have the strength to get beyond it. It becomes a timing thing. If my wife is around for four days I do not have the opportunity to look and, as a result, my resistance to the pull becomes stronger. However, if she is away during that initial four day period I find it incredibly difficult to resist the temptation.

I know I'm not telling any of you anything that you have not experienced yourself. Additionally, I know that many of you have faced the same demon, stared it down and gotten through that time. I keep saying these things because I know that by my saying them I am reinforcing to myself what I already know. I gotta talk about it in order to give myself the strength to deal with it.

As I've said in the past, if I look on this site prior to acting out I don't act out. Yesterday afternoon I did not go to this site first and ended up acting out. Last night I had every intention to act out again. However, I went to this site first and, consequently, did not act out. So... that's why I keep repeating myself. I need to reinforce the message over and over and over again every time the urge comes up. That's the only way I can get beyond this stuff.

At times I feel like some kinda dunce. "You've been saying the same thing to yourself repeatedly for over fifteen years. What's wrong with you? Are you stupid? Why can't you absorb what you know and simply stay away from this sh*t?" But... That's the only way I know how to do it. Surrender my thoughts to people like yourselves in order to be accountable. It feels humiliating at times. I read all your success stories and I keep slipping every two or three days. Then I think I'm wasting both my time and yours because I'm not doing what needs to be done.

BUT... big but here. Another part of me refuses to give up. I'm 62 years old and I want to live as a person that has learned from my mistakes and has grown and evolved beyond those mistakes. I want to do it for my grandchildren. I want to be what I would like them to be. I gotta keep showing up here, cough up my dirty hairball and swallow my bitter pill of embarrassment every time I slip. If I don't I will slide back into the pit of despair again.


Good day to you all.     

survivor

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #66 on: September 23, 2014, 01:07:07 PM »
Survivor again.

A couple of things.

1) My wife is out for the day and, as a result, I find myself home alone once again.

There is a small part of me that wants to act out, however, it's not because I'm craving sexual stimulation. Rather, I'm feeling dragged out, struggling to find motivation and dealing with a sense of heaviness. Learned experience has taught me that acting out will give me a temporary dopamine, endorphin hit which would give me a boost. That's what I'm craving right now.

Well... don't want to go that way. So... because of what I wrote earlier, I recognize the need to turn my thoughts into words rather than stewing on this stuff and pretending I can handle it on my own. I know how sneaky this stuff is and I know how it can mess up my head if I don't let it out into the light.

So there I am. Gonna be okay for now.

2) I have a problem. Since my post this morning I received an email from another member that was posted to my gmail account. To begin, I have to wonder how someone has been able to trace my gmail account through this site. Secondly, although I do understand that this particular member was only trying to be supportive, I need to state emphatically that I do not want to receive messages on my other account. My wife and I both share the same gmail account and, although she is aware of the fact that I post on Reboot Nation I do not discuss my recovery process with her. So PLEASE do not post any more messages to my personal email address.   

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #67 on: September 23, 2014, 02:52:45 PM »
I don't think anyone has your email address. If you send a private message through here, it also comes to the email address you signed up with. I wouldn't worry about it.

I was feeling pretty week there for a bit, but coming on here and reading some things got me in shape. Going to have another good day. Thanks guys.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #68 on: September 23, 2014, 05:49:32 PM »
Hi Survivor,
What Jijnyasu said is correct. When anyone sends you a private message it's not to your email account directly. The site here sends the notification to your email address, but the probelem is you can read the entire message there. So that may be an issue for you to resolve by setting up another account. Otherwise sooner or later it's going to cause you grief.

What you wrote was fabulous and honest. Look we have all been there and know what its like. I have failed so many times in the past at giving up P I've lost count. And I failed for the exact reasons you described.

This time its different. I have so much more knowledge of the real problem. I understand the porn's not the problem, it's actually the reward system in my brain. I know the real enemy now and I know how to overcome it. Starve it of its supply of the bad shit, and nourish it with a supply of good emotions I have achieved through the use of the non sexual bonding techniques with my wife.

The big difference to my success is I am focused on improving my relationship. I'm not just focused on fighting off the urges to watch porn, and I believe that shift of focus has been incredibly important to my success. My focus is on finding ways and opportunities to just be intimate with Mrs Rider. Just little things that mean a lot and build a deeper connection. When my mind is focused on that it's a win win situation because Mrs Rider's loving it and so am I.

I think if you go into this just wanting to fight off the urge, then urge feels much stronger? So for all us marriage guys or guy's already in relationships, my advice is make the reboot about much more than just beating the dreaded porn addiction.

It is possible to beat this thing, but you have to be a bit smarter about it than thinking its just about giving up on the porn.   

Jijnyasu

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #69 on: September 23, 2014, 06:56:49 PM »
I can't imagine anyone here hasn't tried and failed for years. Especially in this forum. We're all over 40, so we were around when the whole on line porn thing started. That's a lot of years of leaning on something and building a habit. It's not easy to stop. But it can be done. You'll get there.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #70 on: September 23, 2014, 08:11:41 PM »
I bet money on that one too Jijnyasu. The number of times I tried and failed is far more than I could ever recall.   

survivor

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #71 on: September 23, 2014, 10:56:28 PM »
Survivor here.

Thanks guys, both for your encouraging words and your input regarding the email I received.

I talked to my wife about the email because one of my main concerns was that I did not want her to stumble on something  she was unaware of. Even though I hope I don't receive any more posts to my personal account her knowing that they could come, and what they represent should they come, alleviates any fears I had that she might react badly if she had stumbled on one without knowing what it was about.

I had a good day. Posting instead of peeking kept me on track and kept me sober. Additionally, as a result I had lots of creative energy to expend on making art as opposed to depleting it on porn. I need to stay with it and I need to stay close to you people. I will be alone again for a good part of the day tomorrow so it's crucial that I keep in touch.

I love feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, which is what I get when I'm sober. Additionally I do all the right things - walk, eat properly, get a good night's sleep, nurture my brain with healthy material such as reading a novel, etc. All it requires is staying away from porn. Seems like a pretty simple, logical choice doesn't it? Sh*t versus serenity. Gotta stay focused and cut off any pollutants before they seep into my brain. Additionally I need to tell you people about the seepage before it becomes a flood.

Rider I like what you had to say about doing more than just fighting the urge. I'm an artist. Over the past couple of months, due to various reasons I have not had an opportunity to make art. However, today I was able to get back into my studio again. It was pure bliss. I have always known that the only thing that is as strong as my addiction, and ultimately has the power to curb my addiction, is my desire to make art. When I make art everything is cool. However, if I don't make art for a while my well gets empty and then toxic things (negativity, anxiety, self-doubt, resentment) gradually pour into the well. Art feeds my soul, it's my essence. Always has been and always will be. It's who I am. When I don't nurture it eventually bad things start to happen. Can't explain it. That's just how it works for me.

So... over the past few months I've gotten out of balance. That's one of my wife's favourite words 'BALANCE'. I'm not a very good balance kind of guy. When I make a list of things I want to get done I tend to sacrifice everything else in order to get done what I set out to do. I don't like having a whole bunch of projects sitting around half completed. But the problem is when I do that I don't make art because I don't want to have a painting sitting on the easel half finished. Once I'm into it I'm in  touch with it so to speak, so I have to finish or I lose connection with it. I lose touch with the steps in my head that I have worked out prior to starting. So then I don't make any art in order to finish the list. And then the bad stuff  (primarily resentment over the fact that I'm not making art because I've always got so many other things to do) starts to creep in. Maybe the trick is to make a shorter list! Make mini lists that I can complete in a shorter period of time in order to make art between lists! That's called 'BALANCE'! What a concept! Cool!

One of the things I really like about this stuff is the more I journal on this site the more I learn about myself, how my brain is programmed, how I operate and, through examination, how I can approach things differently. One of the things I know about myself, something I just touched on in the preceeding paragraph, is this all or nothing attitude. It's all one way or all the other. No compromise. Made a list - then finish it. Don't let anything else get in the way until it's done. It becomes a mission! Even the idea of compromising on it makes me feel creepy somehow. The thought of a bunch of loose ends makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's really good information for me. I have to think about that more.

Thanks again to all of you. I am grateful.

rider654321

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #72 on: September 23, 2014, 11:13:15 PM »
Hi Survivor.

What a wonderfully insightful post yours was. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what's going on inside when the addiction bites.


icanbeatthis

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #73 on: September 24, 2014, 02:08:55 AM »
Hi there mate. Have been reading your posts and seeing myself in a lot of them. I am into my third month now of no porn or masturbating and found out that by emptying my life and mind of that porn shit, i had to fill it up with something else, or the shit will slide back into the hole you dug it out of.......i can say that if i dont keep my mind on the job with other stuff, the temptation can come back to visit. I havtn fallen, and do not intend to. The love of my wife, who does not know about all this, and the friends i have found here, have and WILL get me thru to complete reboot. I dont want to look and porn, i find no desire to but do find myself looking at girls often and imagining them in various stages of dress and 'activity'. This is somehting i am working on now........keep it up mate, we are all here to help each other

survivor

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Re: And I'm off.
« Reply #74 on: September 24, 2014, 10:31:30 AM »
Survivor here.

Good morning.

Another day where I am left to my own devices. Feels kinda like being a rebellious teenager - thinking about having a party while Mom and Dad are away for the weekend. "Are you going to be a good boy while we are away Survivor?" I guess that's how my brain operates. Go sneaking off and do what 'I' want to do when nobody else is around. Pretty sneaky and deceitful way to think.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty strong at the moment. I know I need to get my butt out of this chair and get busy. Sitting around for extended amounts of time is not good for me. My brain starts using all kinds of tricks to take me to porn. Old resentments come flooding in one after the other in an attempt to make me angry and feeling helpless about the fact that I cannot get any 'justice' for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. Perfect reason to act out in order to escape the frustration and other uncomfortable feelings attached to those situations. Unresolved issues I guess.

And yet they only seem to plague me when I'm actively pursuing porn. The longer I go without porn the less frequent, and less intense, these issues become. So... the porn fuels the remembrance of the situations and the remembrance of the situations fuels the porn. Rather symbiotic. They feed each other and feed on each other. So if I don't pursue one it will gradually dissipate and, as a result, the other one will gradually dissipate also. That's how vigilant I need to be re: what information I let into my brain. It's not only lustful thoughts that need to be checked at the door. It's also negative thoughts of any kind because, for me, porn use feeds on negativity.

Good to remind myself that's how my brain operates.


Catch you later.