Author Topic: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"  (Read 12491 times)

Arthur2

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #825 on: September 21, 2019, 04:03:53 PM »
Hey man, you are ahead of me again. I relapsed today. But i am not beat up. It is just an accident. I didnt like it. That was awkward. This is not me anymore.

Now you STAY AHEAD !

Good job man.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #826 on: September 21, 2019, 04:16:09 PM »
Hey man, you are ahead of me again. I relapsed today. But i am not beat up. It is just an accident. I didnt like it. That was awkward. This is not me anymore.

Now you STAY AHEAD !

Good job man.

Hey, man! You were a week ahead of me and I was happy for you. But listen, this is not the end of the world. Every relapse is caused by a mistake. Identifying the mistake and working on avoid it is the key.

Arthur2

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #827 on: September 21, 2019, 04:49:44 PM »
Yes i know. Thank you for your support.

But i will say this : i prefer that you be ahead because i dont like to lead the pack. I am more a follower than a leader. That is why i relapsed. To let you take the lead.

Haha i am kidding. That would be silly.
Whoever is ahead doesnt matter, as long as we keep fighting and improving. Yes, i was happy to have this long streak but i went on a slippery slope.

Thank you again for supporting me and also for caring about my streak and wellbeing.
I also am happy when you get a long streak.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #828 on: September 21, 2019, 05:02:14 PM »
Yes i know. Thank you for your support.

But i will say this : i prefer that you be ahead because i dont like to lead the pack. I am more a follower than a leader. That is why i relapsed. To let you take the lead.

Haha i am kidding. That would be silly.
Whoever is ahead doesnt matter, as long as we keep fighting and improving. Yes, i was happy to have this long streak but i went on a slippery slope.

Thank you again for supporting me and also for caring about my streak and wellbeing.
I also am happy when you get a long streak.

No problem, man. If I only did it for me, I wouldn't take it seriously and push myself. But I don't want to let people down that's why I will get back to the good road.

zazen

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #829 on: September 22, 2019, 04:24:23 AM »
Hi Lero,
I can see you have lately been through some ups and downs, which also brought you a lot of self-knowledge and a deeper awareness about you and how the puzzle of triggers works. You'r words are inspiring and Im 100% sure you will eventually come across the other side. You are determined and can tell you want this.. stick in there brother we are all rooting for you and believe in you. And about the relapses,, hmm... I just wanted to share this with you :

Quote
Sorry for the relapse, man.

When you relapse, you don't fail, you find another thing that didn't work. A relapse is an invitation to analyze the situation, see what went wrong, what mistake you made, what you were thinking before the relapse, what environment, circumstances etc. led to your relapse and so on. If you feel down after a relapse, it's normal. It sucks but, at the end of the day, people feel down from time to time. But don't allow yourself to go lower than that because you reach misery and a mind in that state is a great environment for the addiction to keep complete control over you. One day things will eventually click.

those are your own words  :) ... those words affected me back in august when read it. you are filled with a lot of gold and wisdom... now lets get the action part and emotional control along side of all that knowledge you posses :) .. as I think you are more than capable of getting rid of this shit for good. Sometimes people just need a little push or words of encouragement. You know what triggers you and you know they begin way before taking action right... so my question is.. is there anything you can think of, which could interrupt when the thoughts come up?... 

I remember that I started meditation in the beginning of my journey when I realized voices telling me to watch a bit of xyz...   I have improved a lot since my journey, but its still a daily struggle. And my present way of coping is praying.. just clapping my hands together, closing my eyes and pray... I am not religious at all .. but hey, if this can distract me, then all good.

and wanted to appreciate your last post about the pain and going through it. This is how my story started.. facing the pain. Im still doing it and fighting each day. going from daily pmo to where I am now is huge...  and you sir, can do just that as well. you are insightful and know how to beat this...  now lets go beat it for good. you have it in you. 

oh and another thing that helped me was writing mini-goals - like "I look forward to day 10,, day 20,, day 30 etc". Not sure if would work for you, but you can try it out to see if it works or not.
and a final response to what you wrote :  "But I don't want to let people down that's why I will get back to the good road."...   this way of thinking pushed me a lot in the begining.. not to dissapoint people here. But I want to let you know, that no matter where you are in your journey, no matter what you do, relapse or not .. you are not dissapointing anyone, no matter what happens. We are here to support as we believe in you, I believe in you.

I and i'm sure all people here just want you to succeed and thats it. Lets put all thoughts of disappointments and what not aside and focus on what is going to happen... that you'll eventually find you'r way and kick this shit for good - this is going to happen.. so,, make it happen =) you got this. 

If its okey, i'd like to invite you to set a goal for 10 days and fully focus on it. update that counter daily and thats all. I know we are all different, but i'd like you to forget about that previous 40-day streak and focus on now.. I'd like to push you a lil bit.
and try to stay observant of your chain, and have a go-to plan which you can execute immidietly. (my suggestion was praying but yours could be cold water or pushups or whatever).. something you can do right there and then to get out of it.

try to ignore my way of writing in a motivative way lol,,  none of this motivation works when triggers come, and one is all alone and lonely etc. You need to face the pain head on and have a contingency plan (what to do if xyz happens)
you got this!!

all the best -

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #830 on: September 22, 2019, 04:28:27 AM »
Day 7

1 week hard mode.

I had a P dream where I edged a tone to P. I woke up and thought: "Fuck, I edged to P, this is a relapse, my streak is over!" only to realize a few seconds later that it was just a dream. It's not the first time when this happens to me and I hate how real it feels.

However, I woke up from the P dream with intense urges, as if I was in front of the computer watching P. Fucking stupid thing, man. I can't believe this. It's not the first time. P hijacks my dreams.

zazen

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #831 on: September 22, 2019, 04:35:47 AM »
Lero, congrats on day 7.. that is awesome!
yea i've been there several times with the P hijacking dream thing and scared that I broke my stride.. just to realize it was a dream.
In my perspective, it is a good thing this is happening. See it as a test from something subconscious that is trying to hold on,, but in fact, you are in control now and taken over.
I dont have those dreams any longer,, they will fade eventually.     keep it up :)

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #832 on: September 22, 2019, 05:08:24 AM »
Hi Lero,
I can see you have lately been through some ups and downs, which also brought you a lot of self-knowledge and a deeper awareness about you and how the puzzle of triggers works. You'r words are inspiring and Im 100% sure you will eventually come across the other side. You are determined and can tell you want this.. stick in there brother we are all rooting for you and believe in you. And about the relapses,, hmm... I just wanted to share this with you :

Quote
Sorry for the relapse, man.

When you relapse, you don't fail, you find another thing that didn't work. A relapse is an invitation to analyze the situation, see what went wrong, what mistake you made, what you were thinking before the relapse, what environment, circumstances etc. led to your relapse and so on. If you feel down after a relapse, it's normal. It sucks but, at the end of the day, people feel down from time to time. But don't allow yourself to go lower than that because you reach misery and a mind in that state is a great environment for the addiction to keep complete control over you. One day things will eventually click.

those are your own words  :) ... those words affected me back in august when read it. you are filled with a lot of gold and wisdom... now lets get the action part and emotional control along side of all that knowledge you posses :) .. as I think you are more than capable of getting rid of this shit for good. Sometimes people just need a little push or words of encouragement.

Zazen, thanks for taking the time to write this long post. You actually posted it at the same time with my "Day 7" post  :D

I appreciate the support, man. And I'm glad that what I said back then helped you.

Quote
You know what triggers you and you know they begin way before taking action right... so my question is.. is there anything you can think of, which could interrupt when the thoughts come up?...  I remember that I started meditation in the beginning of my journey when I realized voices telling me to watch a bit of xyz...   I have improved a lot since my journey, but its still a daily struggle. And my present way of coping is praying.. just clapping my hands together, closing my eyes and pray... I am not religious at all .. but hey, if this can distract me, then all good.

Yes, a relapse starts in the mind before you act out. It's important to see it coming. And it's important to know your P behavior well: What things you do, what stimulants you search for when the craving starts? Some people think that because it's something light (like a picture), it won't do a lot of harm, which is wrong. If it's P behavior, get rid of it, no matter how light. Because it creates a chain reaction. It sets in motion some cravings that will eventually sabotage you. I know what represents P behavior for me. I see it coming. I see when my addicted brain wants me to search for something. Now it's trying to make me search for something light, because it knows I won't give it the strong stuff so easily. So it tries to make me give it an inch so it could take a mile.

What I do when hard urges hit me? I like to think about why I really want to quit P: I think about the benefits of P abstinence (which I've seen manifesting after 3 weeks hard mode), I think about how a relapse feels like, I think about how my default state of mind is when I'm heavily invested in binging every few days, and then I tell myself that I want to choose the benefits, not the relapses and binges. This helps me reinforce my motivation to keep going and it also helps me distract myself from thinking about P by focusing on something else. If I do something, I focus hard on what I do and try to ignore P. It's not different from what you do with prayer, it's a distraction by focusing on something else. The idea is: Whatever works for everybody. Everybody needs to find a way to deal with waves of hard urges. Whatever works for them.

Quote
and wanted to appreciate your last post about the pain and going through it. This is how my story started.. facing the pain. Im still doing it and fighting each day. going from daily pmo to where I am now is huge...  and you sir, can do just that as well. you are insightful and know how to beat this...  now lets go beat it for good. you have it in you.

Yes, pain is inevitable. Every addiction has withdrawal and this is the suffering. But I've come to accept it. In the beginning it drove me crazy. "Why do I need to suffer?" But since then I've understood that there is no other way, I need to go through the withdrawal if I want to finally be done with this and I will do it. Keep in mind that this withdrawal is a short period of time in comparison to the rest of the years we have left to live. It's months of suffering vs years of being free. I think we know what we want to choose. If we don't do this, another year will pass and then another and the number of years left for us to live free diminishes with each refusal to face the suffering.

Quote
oh and another thing that helped me was writing mini-goals - like "I look forward to day 10,, day 20,, day 30 etc". Not sure if would work for you, but you can try it out to see if it works or not.

But I actually do something like this. I don't know if you've seen me writing about this somewhere. I have a mini-goals system: 5 days (because it's the middle between 1 and 10), 7 days (because it's a week), 10 days (cause it's 10), 14 days (cause it's 2 weeks), 15 days (the middle of 10 and 20), 20 days, 21 days (3 weeks). I call them checkpoints. And you see, they are so close to each other, some come after only 1 day. It helps me think that I can go a few more days or just 1 day. It's a psychological stuff, because jumping right into it and say: "Okay, I will go 90 days without P" was too scary. I felt overwhelmed by the number of days I had to go, but going a few days or just 1 day in some cases looked a lot more possible. And they still lead me to that big goal, but I try not to focus on it and only focus on the next goal, for example 10 days this time. Small steps still move you forward and it looks more possible to make 5 steps than walk 100 miles. But you will get to 100 miles by accumulating many rounds of 5 steps. Mind tricks with myself.

Anyway, thanks again for the support and encouragement, man. It's welcome.




Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #833 on: September 22, 2019, 05:09:18 AM »
Lero, congrats on day 7.. that is awesome!
yea i've been there several times with the P hijacking dream thing and scared that I broke my stride.. just to realize it was a dream.
In my perspective, it is a good thing this is happening. See it as a test from something subconscious that is trying to hold on,, but in fact, you are in control now and taken over.
I dont have those dreams any longer,, they will fade eventually.     keep it up :)

Yeah, man, those fucking dreams are annoying. They feel so real. I wake up and for a few seconds I am sure I lost my streak. I dream about watching P.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #834 on: September 22, 2019, 01:31:26 PM »
I relapsed. 5 PMOs.

Free-man

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #835 on: September 22, 2019, 01:37:44 PM »
What happened this time Lero?

zazen

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #836 on: September 22, 2019, 01:39:51 PM »
Lero thank you for sharing your honesty and being real.

I just wanted to write I my full compassion and understanding how hard this journey can be.
You have my full support still despite anything. We all have your back.

Take your time and you'll get back.
No words of advice or anything from here - not appropriate at this point. I am sure you will come with an analysis yourself at some point. 

you'll be back brother. dont sweat it. you know what went wrong and you can improve that for next time. 

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #837 on: September 22, 2019, 01:44:19 PM »
Lero thank you for sharing your honesty and being real.

I just wanted to write I my full compassion and understanding how hard this journey can be.
You have my full support still despite anything. We all have your back.

Take your time and you'll get back.
No words of advice or anything from here - not appropriate at this point. I am sure you will come with an analysis yourself at some point. 

you'll be back brother. dont sweat it. you know what went wrong and you can improve that for next time.

Thanks, man. You say the best things after a relapse.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #838 on: September 22, 2019, 01:45:54 PM »
It's fucking annoying.

Free-man

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #839 on: September 22, 2019, 01:50:36 PM »
What trigger made you fall in this relapse?
You know you have my all support too man!

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #840 on: September 22, 2019, 01:55:22 PM »
What trigger made you fall in this relapse?
You know you have my all support too man!

Thanks for the support.

Arthur2

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #841 on: September 22, 2019, 06:16:34 PM »
SHIT !

(You have all my support)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #842 on: September 22, 2019, 06:27:34 PM »
Sorry for the relapse, but congrats on a week either way.

Keep learning, keep fighting. This is the journey of a lifetime. Don't forget how far you have come already. How far you have left to go doesn't matter as much as the fact that you keep moving forward.

Sending good vibes your way for a great day tomorrow!

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #843 on: September 23, 2019, 06:36:06 AM »
Day 1

I'm fucking tired to write day 1 here over and over again. But I deserve it because of making the same mistake despise knowing about it already.

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #844 on: September 23, 2019, 06:55:16 AM »
Don't worry Lero,
Sooner or later you're going to quit of this shit.

As I said to Arthur2, you can write in a spreadsheet all the things that make you relapse
Trigger:
PMO, MO, O:
How many times:
Duration:
What day of the week:
What time of the day:

I think it could help you to track and analyze your relapses to when the cravings begins again
It's an idea that could help you, but obviously you can to start the hard mode .
 
I also recommend all of you install blockers in your computers and mobile phones. Because even an innocent pic can trigger so strong that make you relapse.
We even avoid to think in porn or a pic or fantasize. We have to avoid the dopamine hits in our brain at least for 90 days or even some more. We have to desensitize totally. It's very hard.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #845 on: September 23, 2019, 06:55:27 AM »
SHIT !

(You have all my support)

You are leading again.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #846 on: September 23, 2019, 06:57:10 AM »
Sorry for the relapse, but congrats on a week either way.

Keep learning, keep fighting. This is the journey of a lifetime. Don't forget how far you have come already. How far you have left to go doesn't matter as much as the fact that you keep moving forward.

Sending good vibes your way for a great day tomorrow!

Thanks, man. Thanks for the constant support.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #847 on: September 23, 2019, 06:58:45 AM »
Don't worry Lero,
Sooner or later you're going to quit of this shit.

As I said to Arthur2, you can write in a spreadsheet all the things that make you relapse
Trigger:
PMO, MO, O:
How many times:
Duration:
What day of the week:
What time of the day:

I think it could help you to track and analyze your relapses to when the cravings begins again
It's an idea that could help you, but obviously you can to start the hard mode .
 
I also recommend all of you install blockers in your computers and mobile phones. Because even an innocent pic can trigger so strong that make you relapse.
We even avoid to think in porn or a pic or fantasize. We have to avoid the dopamine hits in our brain at least for 90 days or even some more. We have to desensitize totally. It's very hard.

I know why I relapse. But I've been repeating mistakes. Sometimes I am dumbfounded how I could do this. Like I've said already, days without repeating those mistakes will be the days of the continuous streak.

Lero

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #848 on: September 23, 2019, 07:05:17 AM »
It's fucking annoying to reset yourself with a binge and then start from scratch. I don't have fucking patience to repeat this shit over and over again. I need to make the streak bigger. It's time to wake up. Slow suicide is no way to go. I haven't given up on life, on my full potential, on successful sex for the first time in my life.

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Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Reply #849 on: September 23, 2019, 12:05:13 PM »
Lero be calm . have Patience. If you relapsed take a deep breath . you just one step away from success. I am also relapsed like this in last month. But i found an relapse prevention method. My method is to focus only on reboot in any case. How the urge strong i am focusing only on reboot. Because i need recovery . so you also don't be frustrated just focus on your recovery.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.