Author Topic: I am not going back to P  (Read 6614 times)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 693
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #250 on: July 17, 2019, 06:30:55 PM »
Almost 2 weeks. This is my next checkpoint. The last one was 10 days. Smaller milestones are less scary.

Smaller milestones are the way to go, man! When I first started here, I thought was going to just go 100 days because it was slightly longer than I ever remember going. But it was way longer than I was normally going between relapses. Setting a smaller goal and then leapfrogging from one smaller goal to the next was way more doable. If you're already at 10 days, and you only need to make it to 14 until you reach your next goal, it's way easier to hang on through the urges for a few more days. If you felt like you had to deal with them for another 76, though, that would be way harder to pull off successfully (at least that's how it was for me).

Keep doing what you're doing, man, and learning along the way! Now you know that you don't need PMO to deal with stress and that you can make it through a round of intense urges. Use that knowledge and make your way to your next milestone!

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #251 on: July 18, 2019, 02:36:12 AM »
Smaller milestones are the way to go, man! When I first started here, I thought was going to just go 100 days because it was slightly longer than I ever remember going. But it was way longer than I was normally going between relapses. Setting a smaller goal and then leapfrogging from one smaller goal to the next was way more doable. If you're already at 10 days, and you only need to make it to 14 until you reach your next goal, it's way easier to hang on through the urges for a few more days. If you felt like you had to deal with them for another 76, though, that would be way harder to pull off successfully (at least that's how it was for me).

Keep doing what you're doing, man, and learning along the way! Now you know that you don't need PMO to deal with stress and that you can make it through a round of intense urges. Use that knowledge and make your way to your next milestone!

Thanks for your constant support, man. You're doing great too.

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #252 on: July 18, 2019, 09:32:40 AM »
Day 11

I'm struggling. Urges have been brutal today. A torture. I didn't expect it to be this way. It's a miracle that I haven't edged or even peeked at anything. The brain tries in any way possible to make me push the dopamine button. Memories, of the times when I had so much fun with P and I didn't have to worry about it, remind me of what I'm missing. My brain literally does an unbelievable good job at convincing me P will be the greatest idea. Flashbacks, fetishes and fantasies bombard my mind in rapid succesion like a machine gun, telling me violently that I need to activate the dopamine explosion. "Do it already! Look at this! And at this! Does it feel good? Isn't it that it feels good? What the fuck are you waiting for?" There is a voice in my mind that talks to me like that.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 235
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #253 on: July 18, 2019, 10:49:59 AM »
Day 11

I'm struggling. Urges have been brutal today. A torture. I didn't expect it to be this way. It's a miracle that I haven't edged or even peeked at anything. The brain tries in any way possible to make me push the dopamine button. Memories, of the times when I had so much fun with P and I didn't have to worry about it, remind me of what I'm missing. My brain literally does an unbelievable good job at convincing me P will be the greatest idea. Flashbacks, fetishes and fantasies bombard my mind in rapid succesion like a machine gun, telling me violently that I need to activate the dopamine explosion. "Do it already! Look at this! And at this! Does it feel good? Isn't it that it feels good? What the fuck are you waiting for?" There is a voice in my mind that talks to me like that.

Read your old journal posts and remember what happens after a relapse, it's horridly painful.  When you stay the course these urges will pass and you will be happy you didn't go down the road you know doesn't work.  Take that urge for dopamine and go out and do something you want to do but have been afraid to commit to.  You. can  do. it.  Sending good vibes

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #254 on: July 18, 2019, 11:02:51 AM »
Read your old journal posts and remember what happens after a relapse, it's horridly painful.

This is the only thing that keeps me alive. I had 1000 impulses to PMO but everytime I stopped and re-evaluated the whole situation. If this had been 10 years ago, when I was so happy to PMO all day, today would've been a marathon. 

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #255 on: July 18, 2019, 11:49:00 AM »
Motivational for myself:

1) When you see a trigger, get mad. Say to yourself or even out loud: "No, no, no, I'm not your client anymore! I know what you try to do with this video/picture but I don't give a fuck anymore. I will not continue to be an addict because of you!" Be disgusted with P. Look away in disgust, make a disgusted face.

2) Anytime the desire for PMO kicks in, stop and think. Visualize a relapse. Feel it. See how you feel when you relapse. See how you think after a relapse. If you noticed changes during the streak, think about this too. Say to yourself or even out loud: "I will not throw away the benefits! I will not go back to how I feel after a relapse!"



« Last Edit: July 18, 2019, 02:53:47 PM by Lero »

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 591
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #256 on: July 18, 2019, 03:04:39 PM »
Keep yourself busy, avoid being home alone, keep your devices as far away as possible if you don't really need them for the moment! You got this and you will advance further! This will pass, just stay strong!

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 389
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #257 on: July 18, 2019, 04:47:41 PM »
Keep yourself busy, avoid being home alone, keep your devices as far away as possible if you don't really need them for the moment! You got this and you will advance further! This will pass, just stay strong!

This. Spend as much time away from screens as possible. Or go to a library or a public place if you want to use the internet. In general, use the internet for a certain purpose. Avoid using the internet mindlessly at all costs! Fill your days with productive, enjoyable and healthy activities. Stroll through a park, read in nature, go take a hike, just lie on the grass for hours and let your thoughts fly away. Daydreaming is actually a very healthy activity because it helps the brain sort your thoughts. Daydreaming ≠ fantasizing about porn  ;)
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

rob24

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 152
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #258 on: July 18, 2019, 05:53:32 PM »
Motivational for myself:

1) When you see a trigger, get mad. Say to yourself or even out loud: "No, no, no, I'm not your client anymore! I know what you try to do with this video/picture but I don't give a fuck anymore. I will not continue to be an addict because of you!" Be disgusted with P. Look away in disgust, make a disgusted face.

2) Anytime the desire for PMO kicks in, stop and think. Visualize a relapse. Feel it. See how you feel when you relapse. See how you think after a relapse. If you noticed changes during the streak, think about this too. Say to yourself or even out loud: "I will not throw away the benefits! I will not go back to how I feel after a relapse!"

This is a great idea - I might use this. Thanks for sharing! And we're here rooting for you. One thing that's helping me over the last couple days is to plug in my streak to the Rewire Companion app and see how many people I've already made it past in my commitment (trust me, it's as easy to get from day 1-10 as it is to get from 11-30, and it just goes from there)! Maybe this would help to visually track progress?



BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 693
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #259 on: July 18, 2019, 06:24:15 PM »
Keep it going, man! Hard days are to be expected. You're still on track!

I always had the feeling that looking at porn was fun and free. Like, oh, how free to be surfing the porn sites and edging! If I could have watched myself being "free," I'm sure it would have turned my stomach how trapped I was. It does turn my stomach. Those urges and little messages from my brain were flat out lies. Porn is not freedom.

Definitely keep yourself focused on doing and thinking about better things. Accept the urges as a fact of life, but don't waste your attention on them. They will give up much quicker than you if you just put your attention on something else.

Just a couple more days. 2 weeks is so close!


Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #260 on: July 19, 2019, 01:18:36 AM »
Thanks guys for the support and advice. It means a lot to me. I would've relapsed already if it hadn't been for this place. It's like: "I want to PMO so bad but I can't let these guys down who've been showing me support." I'll try to keep pushing through the wind.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2019, 01:26:48 AM by Lero »

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #261 on: July 19, 2019, 02:39:39 PM »
Day 12

I don't think I'm at the point where I could go day by day without doing anything wrong. In these 12 days, I ended up edging 4 times, however not for a long period of time. About 10 minutes each time. I can't say I like this. I almost relapsed twice. I saw that I couldn't control my impulse for indulging in stimulation.

On the other hand, if we look at how I used to do things (edge for hours, binge every 4 days), I've come a long way. Only edging for 10 minutes at once, no PMO and no binge in 12 days. It hasn't been a perfect 12 days but I'm doing things better than ever. I've been trying to quit P for years but I feel like only now I'm really doing it and I feel like I'm at the beginning of the journey, when mistakes could happen. Maybe I'm overthinking this because it's the first time in a very long time when I have a 12 days streak and I don't want to fuck it up.

I don't know how much those small edging sessions affected me, I hope not too much. I really need to go on this time because I hate starting from day 1 again and having to wait 12 days to get back here.

Anxiety has been a big problem for me. I also need to take care of something stressful.

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #262 on: July 20, 2019, 04:33:42 AM »
Day 13

It's weekend and I need to be careful. It's easy to say: "I had a hard week so I deserve some rest," and then start thinking about P all day.

It's hard and it takes some time until my brain will detrain from P. Right now, I feel like P occupies the biggest part of my mind. P flashbacks and fantasies invade my mind constantly. They sneak in unnoticed and before I know, I am "looking" at them. I do something and Boom! all of a sudden I am bothered by P. I don't even think about it intentionally but it still comes to me. However, I'm starting to notice every trick and pattern. It's easier to get out of it. I am waiting for the day when P will not be needed anymore in my mind. Tomorrow I will complete a 2 weeks streak and 2 months on this forum, at the same time. Crazy, huh? Maybe this is a sign. I'm trying to put behind me the annoyance of having edged a little bit yesterday and a few days ago. I have this tendency to make a big deal out of something smaller. Maybe I will come at the end of the day to write some update.


Do or die

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 804
  • Personal Text
    Be rebooted and help others to do it.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #263 on: July 20, 2019, 04:37:18 AM »
You are in very difficult situation from day 13 to day 16
I experienced large urges. Not able to sleep overnight.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Do or die

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 804
  • Personal Text
    Be rebooted and help others to do it.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #264 on: July 20, 2019, 04:40:09 AM »
Be still . don't relapse at any  cost. Keep going you can do it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #265 on: July 20, 2019, 04:40:35 AM »
You are in very difficult situation from day 13 to day 16
I experienced large urges. Not able to sleep overnight.

I went through the most brutal urges on day 11. What's worse than this? I can handle anything now.

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #266 on: July 20, 2019, 02:23:05 PM »
Okay, so I said I would probably write an update. Here is the update: Today was great. Low urges that didn't bother me. Man, if things went this way... wow, I would love this. I had brutal urges on day 11. I either do it this time or at all. I don't want to start from day 1 again. Patience has never been a quality of mine. I'm too far. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I need all the help in the world now. I haven't had 2 weeks in maybe more than a year. I really need this.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 235
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #267 on: July 20, 2019, 05:18:43 PM »
Okay, so I said I would probably write an update. Here is the update: Today was great. Low urges that didn't bother me. Man, if things went this way... wow, I would love this. I had brutal urges on day 11. I either do it this time or at all. I don't want to start from day 1 again. Patience has never been a quality of mine. I'm too far. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I need all the help in the world now. I haven't had 2 weeks in maybe more than a year. I really need this.

You got this Lero!  Focus on the goal and keep making progress.  Treat yourself to something inspiring.  I just watched the Apollo 11 new movie, highly recommended.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 693
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #268 on: July 20, 2019, 11:13:39 PM »
Yes, keep it going! You're making great progress, and there's lots of exciting progress ahead!

I think it's awesome that you're becoming more aware of your thoughts and the tricks that your brain is playing on you. It makes such a huge difference to be able to step out of your own head and just see those urges for what they are, ideas that you can safely ignore.

Keep doing that and sticking to what you know you need to do, and you'll be at 2 weeks before you know it!

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #269 on: July 21, 2019, 11:19:23 AM »
I relapsed. I played with fire. I didn't follow the plan as I knew I should've. I was too arrogant to think I could make it work like that.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 235
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #270 on: July 21, 2019, 11:52:23 AM »
I relapsed. I played with fire. I didn't follow the plan as I knew I should've. I was too arrogant to think I could make it work like that.

Take a deep breath Lero, and be ready for the chaser.  Don't follow the chaser, get back on track, you can do it! 

Without triggers if possible, walk us through what happened and what you think you did right during the past two weeks and where can you improve going forward.

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #271 on: July 21, 2019, 01:39:59 PM »
Take a deep breath Lero, and be ready for the chaser.  Don't follow the chaser, get back on track, you can do it! 

Without triggers if possible, walk us through what happened and what you think you did right during the past two weeks and where can you improve going forward.

I haven't been disciplined enough. I indulged too much in fantasizing without switching the focus. I allowed myself to feed the dopamine through thinking about P too much. Then I edged and drank again, knowing that those are the biggest dangers for me. On the days when I was strict with myself, I did well. On days when I wasn't, I didn't.

Do or die

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 804
  • Personal Text
    Be rebooted and help others to do it.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #272 on: July 21, 2019, 01:55:06 PM »
I relapsed. I played with fire. I didn't follow the plan as I knew I should've. I was too arrogant to think I could make it work like that.
Lero don't feel guilty.  Keep in mind that you are just one step ahead.  Today I am at day 20 because is just ignored urges successfully.  And before this success I never thinked that i would do such type of reboot.
So first thing you need to understand is that your recovery is possible from now.  Again start from day 1. Learn from this relapse and motivate yourself.
I know,  you can do it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 693
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #273 on: July 21, 2019, 11:31:03 PM »
Sorry to hear it, man, but this can still be a valuable learning experience so don't lose sight of that.

I have definitely experienced that arrogant feeling that makes it seem easier or more okay to fantasize and edge, etc. It's so important to realize that the length of the streak does not make us more immune to triggers. 12 days clean or 120, we can relapse just as easily. It's one thing to talk about and another thing to experience.

It's a bummer to lose a streak, but it doesn't have to hurt as much if you treat every day like Day 1. Start again tomorrow and commit to being more disciplined with your thoughts and little dopamine fixes. None of us can afford to entertain the little things like fantasies and edging. Maybe they aren't PMO, but they are a one-way ticket there.

Get back to it and keep on going!

Lero

  • Member

  • Online
  • *****

  • 808
  • Personal Text
    "Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #274 on: July 22, 2019, 12:49:05 PM »
Day 1

I need to start being more strict with myself.