Author Topic: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"  (Read 13839 times)

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #50 on: June 08, 2019, 04:04:35 AM »
Way to recognize your patterns and to prepare yourself and get through the day. That's a big deal. For a long time, I wasn't really aware that I was on a regular cycle, and I usually thought I was doing better than I really was. When I started counting days, I realized that my relapses were happening at regular intervals. If you can see it coming and recognize that it's always possibly coming back, you can deal with it way more effectively.

Sending you more strength and encouragement for another day!

Thanks, man! I've survived the day 4, when urges usually started. But I didn't have urges yesterday, however, I do today. This is the first time in 2 weeks when I have some serious urges. P flashbacks too. I gotta figure out a way to deal with the urges.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #51 on: June 08, 2019, 01:59:52 PM »
June 8

Urges: 6/10
Relapses: 5

« Last Edit: June 08, 2019, 03:03:19 PM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #52 on: June 09, 2019, 06:59:31 AM »
Everything is going like shit. I haven't done a good job at controlling my binges. If I hadn't binged and relapsed only once a day, I would've had about 6 PMOs until now not fucking 25! FUCK! I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot. Sometimes I get this feeling like I know everything I should do but I don't do it at all. My plan was all right but the weak link was me. The first fucking thing I need to do is stop drinking.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 03:19:21 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #53 on: June 09, 2019, 06:08:21 PM »
Sorry about the lapses.

Binges are the worst. The last several relapses I've had have been long binges where I'm stuck on PMO for a day or two. And it's the sort of thing where I would be on websites and wishing that I wasn't but still doing it anyway. It's like a switch got flipped in my head and I turned into a different person who only wanted porn even though the rest of me didn't.

It would probably be helpful to go back in time and retrace the steps that lead to your binges/lapses. I think you're right on in thinking that alcohol might be related. Really think about the things (feelings, behaviors, thoughts) that come before a relapse. I know I started to be more aware of the early phases of relapse (staring more at girls around town, feeling hopeless, etc.) and that has helped me to catch myself before the switch flips, and I get trapped in a binge. It can be difficult because it means looking for behaviors that might seems harmless (I'm single, so why not stare at girls when I'm out and about, right?) but that ultimately lead to trouble.

Take care of yourself, stick with it, and do what you need to do to get back on track. We're all here for support. You can only get better at this with more practice.

nazonoxa

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #54 on: June 10, 2019, 03:56:21 AM »
I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot. Sometimes I get this feeling like I know everything I should do but I don't do it at all.

That's a really familiar feeling to me too.

If you struggle with self-care, the website youfeellikeshit.com might help. Guides you through some not-always-obvious steps to self-care.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #55 on: June 10, 2019, 08:00:37 AM »
It would probably be helpful to go back in time and retrace the steps that lead to your binges/lapses. I think you're right on in thinking that alcohol might be related. Really think about the things (feelings, behaviors, thoughts) that come before a relapse.

In the last month, binges only happened because of alcohol. First time when I relapsed, I PMO-ed just once that day. So it's clear that maybe I just can't drink and stay away from PMO at the same time. It sucks when everything seems to involve alcohol these days but I have to discipline myself and stay away from those opportunities, at least for a while until I figure this out. I'm coming from two binges, two days in a row, after indulging in drinking. Also, I can't control my edging. It starts with "A little arousal won't hurt me" and it ends with "Fuck! I'm on P websites again!" Edging leaves me with a sort of feeling like "It's not enough, I want more! Where is that arousal from earlier? I want it back!" Like an uncontrollable desire for more. It's like even my usual shield against P is shattered by this fucking edging. It leaves me with some kind of "weakness" and I don't seem to stop looking for more.

Quote
(staring more at girls around town, feeling hopeless, etc.) It can be difficult because it means looking for behaviors that might seems harmless (I'm single, so why not stare at girls when I'm out and about, right?) but that ultimately lead to trouble

This affects me too. I am single as well and I can't really look at girls, even in movies, especially when I go through urges. It's like taking the first sip from the bottle and eventually drinking more and more (moving to more stimulating stuff like fantasizing, edging, searching for pictures, until you reach the sweet P, the king of kings).

« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 08:05:00 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #56 on: June 11, 2019, 10:00:25 AM »
Only 2 fucking days >:(

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #57 on: June 12, 2019, 12:35:17 PM »
Day 3 but...

I had some urges, not the strongest, but I started M-ing to fantasizes, with the intention not to O, having this feeling like I wasn't watching P and everything would be all right. After a few minutes of this, it was not enough so I moved to Youtube, to watch some sluts and continue to M. Other few minutes and then I had this moment like: "What the fuck am I doing? What's next? Go straight to P?" I stopped and started playing a video game. I don't even know if this is a "relapse". People say that M-ing to fantasizes is a relapse too. And what about the videos I watched on Youtube? Sometimes I'm so fucking tired of all this. Why the fuck would you start M-ing if you don't have hard enough urges? I'm sabotaging myself like an idiot.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #58 on: June 12, 2019, 06:32:19 PM »
First of all: you're not an idiot!

Second of all: even if you caught yourself later than you might ideally like, you still redirected yourself away from P, and that's a win.

Something I've been learning recently is that my addiction evolved as a (misguided) way to take care of myself. My binges always came when I was feeling lonely, depressed, stressed out, or stuck in life. And they always took complete control of me once they started. I guess what I'm saying is that I've started to learn not to get so mad at myself when I deal with urges/binges because they are just my mind and body's way of taking care of me. They're wrong, but they're not trying to destroy me. Instead, I need to learn to take care of myself in better ways. So, when I feel an urge, that's a sign that something is wrong, something needs my attention. Then I can think of healthier and better ways to deal with it.

Keep at it, though. Be glad that you didn't progress to P. Recognize that you did make some mistakes and learn from them. But don't be too harsh with yourself. PMO is an old habit that you aren't going to fix right away. Being too harsh with yourself (if you're anything like me) will only make you feel worse and make you more likely to turn to PMO for some escape/relief.

nazonoxa

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #59 on: June 13, 2019, 07:07:32 AM »
Take good care of yourself, because you are worth it :)

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #60 on: June 13, 2019, 08:43:45 AM »
Relapse. The chaser effect is killing me. It is screaming for a binge. I feel sad, hopeless and tired. Tired because I just indulged in a mega session and I threw away most of my energy. I knew what mistake to avoid but I made it again. It's not like I don't identify the triggers and mistakes, it's that I don't avoid them after that. That's why I'm sad about it. It's like I know everything I have to do but, for some reason, I keep fucking it up. I feel like I'm in chains, unable to break free. I am very confused about whether I could actually do it or not, given the fact that I haven't been following the plan too well. It's like a force from beyond this world directs me toward the poison.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 09:37:16 AM by Lero »

pichaelthompson

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #61 on: June 13, 2019, 02:55:45 PM »
About two years ago, I hit what one might call PMO rock bottom. I PMO'd about 8 times that day, when my previous high was 3. Any type of P, P-sub imaginable I flooded my brain with from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, about 16 hours. This was all during being on NoFap and having built up some pretty good streaks, one past 90 days. While I had struggles with relapsing after that too, I slowly started to deny the urges I identify, and right now I am on a triple digit streak feeling pretty good about the future. I am not writing this to say that I am a model for success, I just want to let you know that things can always be better if you make the decision to not act on these urges. Not only that, but do so in a way that you believe is best for yourself such as limiting factors such as stress, anxiety, depression as much as possible. For me, that meant a lifestyle change that allowed me to feel good while doing healthy things. I encourage you to find a strategy for dealing with urges that will make the process as easy as possible (although it will still be very hard). Find something you can commit to 100%, so something that involves a type of healthy reward. If this strategy is cared for, curated, and flexible enough adapt to life changes as well as your needs and goals, your progress will feel less stagnant and your urges will be dealt with more effectively over time.

You CAN always do it, no matter what, and that's an undeniable fact. For me it is always hard to truly believe that almost all the time because the idea of saying no to PMO through multiple times every day and through weeks, months, and eventually years seems painful to the point where I fear for my sanity. When I relapse, that feeling increases, and when I am on a good streak I feel better about it, although it's still hard to believe. But no matter how I feel, the level of truth it holds always stays the same.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #62 on: June 13, 2019, 04:09:41 PM »
About two years ago, I hit what one might call PMO rock bottom. I PMO'd about 8 times that day, when my previous high was 3. Any type of P, P-sub imaginable I flooded my brain with from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, about 16 hours. This was all during being on NoFap and having built up some pretty good streaks, one past 90 days. While I had struggles with relapsing after that too, I slowly started to deny the urges I identify, and right now I am on a triple digit streak feeling pretty good about the future. I am not writing this to say that I am a model for success, I just want to let you know that things can always be better if you make the decision to not act on these urges. Not only that, but do so in a way that you believe is best for yourself such as limiting factors such as stress, anxiety, depression as much as possible. For me, that meant a lifestyle change that allowed me to feel good while doing healthy things. I encourage you to find a strategy for dealing with urges that will make the process as easy as possible (although it will still be very hard). Find something you can commit to 100%, so something that involves a type of healthy reward. If this strategy is cared for, curated, and flexible enough adapt to life changes as well as your needs and goals, your progress will feel less stagnant and your urges will be dealt with more effectively over time.

You CAN always do it, no matter what, and that's an undeniable fact. For me it is always hard to truly believe that almost all the time because the idea of saying no to PMO through multiple times every day and through weeks, months, and eventually years seems painful to the point where I fear for my sanity. When I relapse, that feeling increases, and when I am on a good streak I feel better about it, although it's still hard to believe. But no matter how I feel, the level of truth it holds always stays the same.

Thanks for taking the time to write this long reply.


BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #63 on: June 13, 2019, 05:48:45 PM »
I've been there, man. I don't know if it's helpful, but I know that it took a while for me to be able to commit to what I knew I should do. Knowing how to avoid triggers and keep yourself safe is one thing, but actually doing it is another and that might take a little more time.

It's all a process, and you just have to keep at it. Learn, commit, and follow through. I've found it's a lot easier to follow through when I'm still dealing with small triggers. It's easier to catch myself having a porn fantasy than it is to stop myself from clicking a link after googling something P related. I used to think that thoughts were harmless (they're not P after all!) but they're deadly: they always lead me to where I have no power to resist.


Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #64 on: June 13, 2019, 06:13:53 PM »
I've been there, man. I don't know if it's helpful, but I know that it took a while for me to be able to commit to what I knew I should do. Knowing how to avoid triggers and keep yourself safe is one thing, but actually doing it is another and that might take a little more time.

It's all a process, and you just have to keep at it. Learn, commit, and follow through. I've found it's a lot easier to follow through when I'm still dealing with small triggers. It's easier to catch myself having a porn fantasy than it is to stop myself from clicking a link after googling something P related. I used to think that thoughts were harmless (they're not P after all!) but they're deadly: they always lead me to where I have no power to resist.

Okay, man, thanks for writing.

It was just frustrating that I knew what to do but I didn't. It pisses me off. I'll try to find a way to implement this. It's the next stage of the plan.

Do or die

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #65 on: June 14, 2019, 12:08:28 AM »
Keep in mind that it take longer to see major positive changes. So be adjustable in your current situation. Go out off home and adjust yourself in social conditions.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #66 on: June 14, 2019, 04:36:42 AM »
The chaser effect is still bothering me because I didn't binge, so the fucking brain is upset that I gave it just one PMO yesterday.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #67 on: June 14, 2019, 07:48:28 AM »
My only hope is the plan. I've been fighting this monster for years, like the hardest boss in a Silent Hill type video game. But I never really had a plan, just messing around thinking I had it, only to relapse, binge, reset my counter back to 0, feel super depressed about it, question my ability to do it, slowly get the motivation back then repeat the same loop. Without realizing, years had passed. I stopped and told myself: "Wait a minute. Where the fuck am I going with this? When did those years gone by? Like this, I will die a P addict." So I had to stop fooling myself and get serious about it. I started reading and watching everything I could, I put together a plan and I added what I'd learned about myself in those years. This time I finally had a plan and it's been the only thing that kept me from feeling depressed like that again. I felt down, of course, it's natural to feel down. It's not welcome, it sucks to feel down but at the end of the day... it's normal. But it's not good to feel super depressed, miserable and desperate. That's going too low. I've been there too much. A mind in that state is a good victim for P addiction going out of control. I relapsed, I felt down but I thought about what had gone wrong. And the next day I resumed the plan again. Now I don't feel down anymore, that was yesterday. But I do feel some increased anxiety. And considering that I didn't binge, this was a small achievement. The idea is, I have to follow the plan because only the plan will save me. Nobody does this without a plan (and I'm also talking to all of you who think, like I used to, that you can actually do it without implementing a solid plan). A good plan will eventually make me win, I feel that. I will keep improving the plan to make it even better. Even though after almost a month I'm back at day 1, the plan doesn't always go flawlessly, but it's still in action. It's a process, a long term plan. Now it might not seem that I've been doing it right but it will eventually get me there.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 07:55:04 AM by Lero »

pichaelthompson

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #68 on: June 14, 2019, 03:48:32 PM »
A plan is always a good idea! Having a vision for you want to be will help you optimize your plan so it will benefit you in the most effective way. If you can see who you want your best self to be, and I mean really see- like be very specific about it, every decision you make can go towards that vision which will in turn reinforce your belief in that plan, which will alter your vision as you carry out your plan. Then the cycle of Vision -> plan -> changed vision -> changed plan can continue lol. Best of luck!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #69 on: June 14, 2019, 04:19:01 PM »
A plan is always a good idea! Having a vision for you want to be will help you optimize your plan so it will benefit you in the most effective way. If you can see who you want your best self to be, and I mean really see- like be very specific about it, every decision you make can go towards that vision which will in turn reinforce your belief in that plan, which will alter your vision as you carry out your plan. Then the cycle of Vision -> plan -> changed vision -> changed plan can continue lol. Best of luck!

Thanks, man. I could add this to the plan to make it better.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #70 on: June 14, 2019, 05:57:23 PM »
Way to go getting back to your plan. Decide what you're going to do before you actually have to make the decision.

I think it's also really important not to give up on your plan if you do happen to slip again. I always tend to give up on things after a relapse because I just figure they didn't work. More recently, though, I decided to commit to doing all the things that have helped in the past and to do them all together. I've had a lot more success fending off triggers because instead of doing one thing on-and-off, I'm doing like seven lol.

Don't worry too much about the mistakes. Learn from them, but focus on where you're going. The advice to have a vision for where you want to be is awesome.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #71 on: June 15, 2019, 05:37:56 AM »
Way to go getting back to your plan. Decide what you're going to do before you actually have to make the decision.

I think it's also really important not to give up on your plan if you do happen to slip again. I always tend to give up on things after a relapse because I just figure they didn't work. More recently, though, I decided to commit to doing all the things that have helped in the past and to do them all together. I've had a lot more success fending off triggers because instead of doing one thing on-and-off, I'm doing like seven lol.

Don't worry too much about the mistakes. Learn from them, but focus on where you're going. The advice to have a vision for where you want to be is awesome.

Thanks, man.

It's been only a month (in 3 days) since I started this new attempt and since I've had a plan. Before than, I only messed around, with ideas in my head that I knew what to do. I read some strategies, tips, advice online but I didn't pay too much attention, I would read a few things and then think I had it. Then I saw it wasn't really like that. After years, I was pretty much going nowhere. So I had a moment like: "This is not all right. I really need to take this seriously. So, what did that guy say? Let's go back and read those things for real, this time." I put together a plan using what I read from people on this forum and what I read on YBOP, nofap and other places. Anything I could get my hands on. Some repeated themselves which showed me that they were general good stuff. I've also watched a lot of videos on Youtube. I really took it seriously this time, no more messing around. But I guess I have to find "my style", you know what I'm saying? It's like boxing. You know that what the coach teaches you works: Jab, cross, hook etc. But after you learn those, you need to find your style, if this makes sense. Without a plan, I would be going nowhere. In this month, I binged a lot. Looking at it, it might look like I've done nothing. But I feel like this a long term plan, you know, like a 6 months training camp. Sometimes you can't beat this addiction with just one month of plan. You need to keep going until it starts working. Going back to the boxing analogy, if you lost the match, it didn't mean that your boxing was useless, it meant it didn't work for you yet. You train better next time and try again to win. You know that your boxing works, it just not right now, it will in the next match. That's how I feel. The plan is good but I need some time to make it work. Right now, there are some things that I couldn't really control, like why I've repeated the same mistakes when I knew what to do. I have to figure it out. Of course, the plan can always be improved. Keep what works for you, discard what doesn't and add your personality to it. Ah, and last but not least, a vision is very important. I'm trying to picture myself without this addiction when I will have found my peace in life.


Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #72 on: June 15, 2019, 05:39:36 AM »
Day 3

I am bothered by some urges.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #73 on: June 15, 2019, 10:10:15 AM »
So, I'm sick and tired of being their client. Anytime I see something stimulating by mistake, I close it immediately and get mad. I say: "No, no, no, you won't get me with this anymore! I'm not your client anymore! I know what you're trying to do but it won't work on me!" That's right. Fuck that! I am pissed off. I will not give them success by feeding on P and P related bullshit. I can't delete all the P and all the stimulating shit that's everywhere. I can't dry the ocean but I can choose to get out of the water. At the end of the day, it's my choice. Yes, it's hard, but we have to push through some pain. It's inevitable. But the biggest satisfaction is when you are not their slave anymore.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #74 on: June 15, 2019, 02:45:56 PM »
Remember this feeling of anger. Let it sink in, and when the inevitable urges come up and the only thing you want to do is PMO, fall back onto the pissed off, tired of bullshit person that you know you are deep down. That part of you, the one looking out for your best interests long-term, will always be there, even if you don't feel it. Best of luck