Author Topic: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"  (Read 12473 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #25 on: May 31, 2019, 05:10:43 PM »

Thanks, man. Thanks for your constant support.

Hey, that's what I'm here for. I've heard before that isolation and addiction run together, so I feel like building connections of support is an important way to fight this thing!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2019, 06:45:08 AM »
June 1

Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0

Pretty good mood.

« Last Edit: June 01, 2019, 10:16:08 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2019, 06:46:15 PM »
That's awesome!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #28 on: June 02, 2019, 04:55:41 AM »
June 2

Urges: 2/10
Relapses: 0

Some urges this time but nothing I couldn't handle.


pichaelthompson

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2019, 05:28:02 PM »
Nice! I kind of start my day telling myself to expect urges throughout the day, so when it happens I feel more prepared and when they don't arise much on some lucky days I feel pleasantly surprised. Keep it up!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #30 on: June 02, 2019, 06:02:10 PM »
Nice! I kind of start my day telling myself to expect urges throughout the day, so when it happens I feel more prepared and when they don't arise much on some lucky days I feel pleasantly surprised. Keep it up!

It's important not to be surprised by the urges. You know that urges will eventually come, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow but we cannot quit P without urges. Preparation in advance is very important. "What will I do if urges start?" That's a good question. I'm not an expert at this so I'll try to do what other people have suggested, for now. 

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #31 on: June 02, 2019, 06:04:48 PM »
Yeah, that's a great point. I used to think that my recovery wasn't working if I still had urges, so I'd give up whenever they came. That's obviously not true, so it has been helpful for me think that I will experience urges. The failure isn't having them. The failure is giving in.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2019, 06:08:35 PM »
Yeah, that's a great point. I used to think that my recovery wasn't working if I still had urges, so I'd give up whenever they came. That's obviously not true, so it has been helpful for me think that I will experience urges. The failure isn't having them. The failure is giving in.

That's why knowledge is so important. Like this, you find out what you could experience. Having urges doesn't mean that the recovery is not going well. It's actually the opposite. It's withdrawal. Every addiction has withdrawal. P withdrawal includes urges. After the withdrawal we will see the light.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #33 on: June 03, 2019, 06:12:15 AM »
June 3

Urges: 2/10
Relapses: 5

Don't ask me how this was possible.

My mood and energy are bad.


« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 02:21:34 PM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #34 on: June 04, 2019, 04:56:06 AM »
June 4

Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0

I feel the same as yesterday: Low energy and bad mood.

I am going to start another job this month.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 05:38:31 AM by Lero »

jixu

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #35 on: June 04, 2019, 10:01:07 AM »
Looks like you are making improvements in both your professional (new job) and personal realms.  Keep up the good work and keep the big picture in mind and don't forget that feelings come and go and aren't always a good guide.  Stay the course and best wishes to you.   

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #36 on: June 04, 2019, 10:34:09 AM »
Looks like you are making improvements in both your professional (new job) and personal realms.  Keep up the good work and keep the big picture in mind and don't forget that feelings come and go and aren't always a good guide.  Stay the course and best wishes to you.   

Thanks, man. I try to focus on my life because focusing too much on P is thinking about P. I need to get rid of that from my mind. I'm changing my job this month, I hope it's a better job. I always try to find better jobs, not exactly in terms of salary because my number one priority is atmosphere. A job that drives me crazy can pay me 100.000 $ a month and I will still be angry and unhappy.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 05:02:22 PM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #37 on: June 04, 2019, 05:20:04 PM »
Small steps still move me forward. I don't have to take big steps if I can't right now. Slow, steady progress is what I need because I've tried to bite more than I could chew in the past and it has backfired. I am aware that I couldn't go a month without P at this moment. What I need to do is reduce the damage done to my brain = Less PMOs. No binges will naturally make me PMO less. A month has 30 or 31 days (except February). If I PMO-ed once everyday, that would be 30 or 31 PMOs. No more than that. Now think about binges. I could easily exceed that. So I guess a first step would be quitting binges. And as I haven't PMO-ed everyday anymore for years and only with days in between, no binges would mean under 10 PMOs in a month! This would be outstanding! I used to do it between 20-30 times a month. Before that, it was more than 100 times. Next goal is to reduce even further and accommodate the brain with less. I will, eventually, reach 0 one day. Small steps, man. I don't need to rush it. I've trained myself to have patience and trust the plan. I have a goal and I work toward accomplishing it. One day this plan is going to change me.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 03:30:00 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #38 on: June 04, 2019, 06:29:03 PM »
All progress is progress, and even small steps count. It can be frustrating that this recovery can take so much time, but it sort of makes sense. How many years have you been deep into PMO? I know I've been tied up in it for very long time, so why would I think I could untangle myself in a few weeks? It doesn't make sense.

It used to be all I could do to get through a single day without PMO. But I've been working at it for a few years now, and I'm working on going through a few months at a time without a binge. Healing takes effort and determination, but it also takes time. So just keep on going, and don't let the slow progress sometimes get you too down.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #39 on: June 05, 2019, 02:49:21 AM »
All progress is progress, and even small steps count. It can be frustrating that this recovery can take so much time, but it sort of makes sense. How many years have you been deep into PMO? I know I've been tied up in it for very long time, so why would I think I could untangle myself in a few weeks? It doesn't make sense.

Of course, man. I don't expect to stop being addicted overnight. Fortunately, it won't really take years but a number of months I guess it's inevitable and obvious. Think about it, I think I've been PMO-ing for 15 years. It's like when you have 220 pounds. It takes time to get to 154 or whatever. That's why I like to look at it like a plan, like training for a boxing match. If I do the right things for a number of months, I will hopefully be done with it. But, the situation when I won't be done with it could happen too but I feel like I've come a long way. I know a lot more than back then so I should do better now.

Quote
It used to be all I could do to get through a single day without PMO. But I've been working at it for a few years now, and I'm working on going through a few months at a time without a binge. Healing takes effort and determination, but it also takes time. So just keep on going, and don't let the slow progress sometimes get you too down.

Man, I remember when going a day without PMO was the hardest thing ever but I've done it. The idea is we can do it, this is not impossible. Maybe it seemed more impossible back then to end a day without PMO than it seems now to end a month. Many guys make the mistake of not recognizing the progress, which it's understandable because, without knowledge, you wouldn't know. But think about it: Until my early 20's I binged everyday, so that's more than 100 PMOs in a month. Then I've reduced it to 20-30 times a month. You can't say this is not progress. It's less damage to the brain. It's like when you hit your finger with the hammer. Hitting it 100 times vs hitting it 20 times makes a big difference. We, sometimes, are not aware of the damage we do to ourselves psychologically. If it's not physical, it doesn't mean we are not wounded. But yes, it takes time and patience. After years of still not being free, it could get frustrated but we must remember that we've come a long way. We haven't been wasting the time. Sometimes it really takes years but we must not call it failure. It's not failure. It's like training judo, for example. For years you are beaten by other guys, more experienced than you. But you are not a failure, you just need time to learn. After you learn, those guys stop beating you. That's the attitude we must have with this fight. We didn't fail a few years, we trained and learned things.


Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #40 on: June 05, 2019, 02:54:39 AM »
I only slept for three hours and woke up feeling completely like shit. I struggled to keep my eyes open enough to drag myself, painfully, out of the bed.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 12:25:05 PM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #41 on: June 05, 2019, 10:49:35 AM »
June 5

Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0

Bad state of mind. Anxiety.

« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 01:05:33 PM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #42 on: June 05, 2019, 06:05:45 PM »
Hang in there. Anxiety is awful, but you're not alone in dealing with it. Do what you can and don't forget to take care of yourself.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2019, 05:34:36 AM »
June 6

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

I feel better than the last 3 days. I slept well. Social anxiety and general anxiety are elevated. I'm guessing it's because of P addiction because, in the past, I remember that my anxiety was reduced very much after about 2 weeks without PMO. I'll try to get there again and see if anything changes. I haven't had serious urges for 12 days. 2 binges because of alcohol and 1 because I was stupid but none of them satisfactory. 12 more days and the first month of my recovery plan will end.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2019, 05:39:51 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2019, 01:35:15 PM »
Momentary "pump up" will not work in the long run. You get overly motivated this minute and tell yourself: "I will do it this time! I will be mentally strong and push through it!" But after a period of time, you are back to the beginning. Hard victories are achieved only after following a plan that makes you be trained. You don't win the World Cup by only shouting motivational things to yourself. Hard work, dedication and trying again after loses. As much as you want to tell yourself quitting P is easy, the truth is that it's hard. If it was easy, we wouldn't be 100 guys here struggling for years. We need to take this seriously. "Yeah, but by telling yourself this, you give P too much power!" said X. Right, but the truth still stands. Quitting P is still hard, even if you think it's easy.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 01:34:44 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #45 on: June 06, 2019, 06:06:36 PM »
Momentary "pump up" will not work in the long run. You get overly motivated this minute and tell yourself: "I will do it this time! I will be mentally strong and push through it!" But after a period of time, you are back to the beginning. Hard victories are achieved only after following a plan that makes you be trained. You don't win the World Cup by only shouting motivational things to yourself. Hard work, dedication and trying again after loses. As much as you want to tell yourself quitting P is easy, the truth is that it's hard. If it was easy, we wouldn't be 100 guys here struggling for years. We need to take this seriously. "Yeah, but by telling yourself this, you give P too much power!" said X. Sure, but the truth still stands, no matter how you perceive it yourself. Quitting P is still hard, even if you think it's easy.

Great thoughts. The fact is that P has power. If it didn't, none of us would be here. I think it's a healthy thing to acknowledge the power that it has. It makes us more realistic about how we have to take care of ourselves. Pretending that all we need is some motivational phrases isn't going to get us where we need to go, and it will probably just make us underestimate the problem.

I'm with you. It's going to take work, but it's good work and we can't give up.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2019, 01:44:28 AM »
Great thoughts. The fact is that P has power. If it didn't, none of us would be here. I think it's a healthy thing to acknowledge the power that it has. It makes us more realistic about how we have to take care of ourselves. Pretending that all we need is some motivational phrases isn't going to get us where we need to go, and it will probably just make us underestimate the problem.

I'm with you. It's going to take work, but it's good work and we can't give up.

Exactly. P really does have power. We have to acknowledge it. By doing this, we inevitable have to make a solid plan for how to beat P. We won't defeat this by willpower only. I've tried that and I failed. I had to stop fucking around and admit I needed to follow a plan. Thinking that P has no power only makes you underestimate it and take it lightly. That's how you keep going back to the start and you don't even understand why. It's hard but it's not impossible, that's the idea.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 01:47:50 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2019, 03:47:15 AM »
This is my 4th day without PMO but it's also the day when I usually relapsed so the brain knows this and it's the day when I'm susceptible to hard urges. So far I'm all right. Let's see how it is progressing.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2019, 10:15:32 AM »
June 7

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

My mood is good. Lower anxiety.

« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 01:23:39 PM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2019, 06:20:40 PM »
Way to recognize your patterns and to prepare yourself and get through the day. That's a big deal. For a long time, I wasn't really aware that I was on a regular cycle, and I usually thought I was doing better than I really was. When I started counting days, I realized that my relapses were happening at regular intervals. If you can see it coming and recognize that it's always possibly coming back, you can deal with it way more effectively.

Sending you more strength and encouragement for another day!