Author Topic: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"  (Read 13848 times)

hope2reboot

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Re: The solution is complete starvation for the addicted pathway
« Reply #475 on: August 14, 2019, 09:28:28 PM »
A relapse starts earlier in your mind. "Waking up" in the middle of an edging session to "something light" or straight out porn is a consequence of following the craving and searching for porn material. You have to see it coming right from the beginning and say "No" to everything that feeds the addiction. When you have strong urges, it's easy to fall into the trap. "The urges are killing me!" you think and then you look for some porn material to "lower the urges a little bit because something light for 5 minutes won't kill me". This is the wrong step that makes you go rolling all the way down to the bottom. How do you deal with urges? Definitely not by watching porn or looking at porn substitutes. Urges are like a fire that will stay in one place if gas is not thrown on it. It will eventually extinguish itself. This is what I've been doing and it will fail me only if I wanted to, only if I let it. It has no tricks up in its sleeve anymore for me. I know every little thing that the addiction does. I would look at porn material only if I made the decision to. The autopilot doesn't exist anymore. The "trance" is also past. You have complete control on yourself, not your addiction. Urges start but you have the last word whether to feed them or not. Peace. Stay strong. The recovery process doesn't have to be complicated, it's actually the basics that do everything.


Totally agree! Need to let the fire burn out and it will eventually. If you feed it just a little bit it pretty much becomes a fire impossible to control and then you’re back to the beginning or usually back to indulgence for a while again until you get so sick of yourself that you finally decide to try again. Never had any other addiction but I imagine it’s the same for other addictions, alcohol comes to mind.

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Re: The solution is complete starvation for the addicted pathway
« Reply #476 on: August 15, 2019, 02:26:27 AM »
Totally agree! Need to let the fire burn out and it will eventually. If you feed it just a little bit it pretty much becomes a fire impossible to control and then you’re back to the beginning or usually back to indulgence for a while again until you get so sick of yourself that you finally decide to try again. Never had any other addiction but I imagine it’s the same for other addictions, alcohol comes to mind.

What happens to me is that, when I edge it destabilizes me. It gives me some kind of craving and I have this deep inside thought about when I will edge next. Even if I don't want to edge again, it's like the feeling bothers me until I eventually repeat it, maybe not in the same day. I always relapsed a few days later or even the same day when I started edging. The solution is not to start in the first place.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #477 on: August 15, 2019, 02:38:49 AM »
Day 25

It's holiday.

I had a P dream but I didn't think about it for about an hour after waking up then all of a sudden I had this thought: "Hey, do you know that you had a P dream?" Fragments of that dream came to my mind but I said: "Okay, I got it but I don't care."

I could sleep well this time. I woke up and felt energized like I had consumed caffeine.

« Last Edit: August 15, 2019, 02:56:38 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #478 on: August 15, 2019, 05:07:15 PM »
"Okay, I got it but I don't care."

That's a great line. I've been telling myself something similar for a while now. Thoughts, dreams, and urges will continue to come from time to time, but now you're developing the power to let yourself know that they don't matter and can be safely ignored.

Keep it up!

achilles heel

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #479 on: August 15, 2019, 05:15:44 PM »
I'm really glad to see how your mindset changed and shows results, 25 days is amazing and you should be through the worst cravings yet. There is hard work ahead, but you seem to be really determined to leave porn behind and I believe in your success!

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #480 on: August 15, 2019, 06:04:18 PM »
That's a great line. I've been telling myself something similar for a while now. Thoughts, dreams, and urges will continue to come from time to time, but now you're developing the power to let yourself know that they don't matter and can be safely ignored.

Keep it up!

The hard craving for dopamine is not gone yet but I handle it. I've been turning down "offers" from my addiction for edging sessions for pleasure and soothing session for hard times. I need to get rid of this fucking addiction. It's like I walk around with a 300 pounds on my shoulders and I can barely move.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #481 on: August 15, 2019, 06:06:56 PM »
I'm really glad to see how your mindset changed and shows results, 25 days is amazing and you should be through the worst cravings yet. There is hard work ahead, but you seem to be really determined to leave porn behind and I believe in your success!

It was one last thing that seemed to bring better results than ever. I've made it to 25 days, I looked back and said: "The craving for dopamine is huge. If this was 5 days, I would probably relapse but I don't want to lose this streak. I don't want to start from day 1 and waaaaait until day 25. I will definitely hate to do it again. Plus, I don't want to go through those urges again, between day 7 and day 21." Let's see how it works. I hope I won't fail.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 04:36:57 AM by Lero »

rob24

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #482 on: August 15, 2019, 06:49:10 PM »
I'm really glad to see how your mindset changed and shows results, 25 days is amazing and you should be through the worst cravings yet. There is hard work ahead, but you seem to be really determined to leave porn behind and I believe in your success!

It was one last thing that seemed to bring better results than ever. I've made it to 25 days, I looked back and said: "The craving for dopamine is huge. If this had been 5 days, I would probably relapse but I don't want to lose this streak. I don't want to start from day 1 and waaaaait until day 25. I will definitely hate to do it again. Plus, I don't want to go through those urges again, between day 7 and day 21." Let's see how it works. I hope I won't fail.

That's a good idea - using the benefits to help serve as a little mental buffer you need to go through. You saying this gave me an idea: wouldn't it be great to write down on a whiteboard or somewhere visible for yourself all the benefits you've experienced cumulatively, so that in order to relapse, you would need to hurdle over the idea of all the good that you've done, which takes a lot more mental effort? I only say because so many relapses are almost like this: you are yourself, Dr. Jekyll, 99% of the time, but then there's 1% of the time when Mr. Hyde comes out, and it's almost like you're preparing for an entirely different personality, contrary to all your beliefs, to hijack yours. We are preparing ourselves for that 1% of the time. How can we do it better? I think it might benefit us as a community to think of more hard blockages to help us overcome that period of being Mr. Hyde, and maybe list them out. This includes things like making your computer difficult to access, installing a safe internet browser, meditation, and so on. It seems lowering access and increasing the passage of time increases the chances that we will come back to our senses in time for urges to pass.

An analogy would be this: If you were a person in power with access to nuclear armaments, but you knew that every 6 days or so, your personality would be hijacked by a wizard casting a spell to get you to launch the nukes, wouldn't you add as many obstacles as possible to make it as difficult as possible to get to the nukes?

I suppose the other option is to try to completely erase that other 1% of the time, but how is it even possible? We all experience emotions and mind fluctuations. Just food for thought!



Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #483 on: August 16, 2019, 04:35:43 AM »
That's a good idea - using the benefits to help serve as a little mental buffer you need to go through. You saying this gave me an idea: wouldn't it be great to write down on a whiteboard or somewhere visible for yourself all the benefits you've experienced cumulatively, so that in order to relapse, you would need to hurdle over the idea of all the good that you've done, which takes a lot more mental effort? I only say because so many relapses are almost like this: you are yourself, Dr. Jekyll, 99% of the time, but then there's 1% of the time when Mr. Hyde comes out, and it's almost like you're preparing for an entirely different personality, contrary to all your beliefs, to hijack yours. We are preparing ourselves for that 1% of the time. How can we do it better? I think it might benefit us as a community to think of more hard blockages to help us overcome that period of being Mr. Hyde, and maybe list them out. This includes things like making your computer difficult to access, installing a safe internet browser, meditation, and so on. It seems lowering access and increasing the passage of time increases the chances that we will come back to our senses in time for urges to pass.

An analogy would be this: If you were a person in power with access to nuclear armaments, but you knew that every 6 days or so, your personality would be hijacked by a wizard casting a spell to get you to launch the nukes, wouldn't you add as many obstacles as possible to make it as difficult as possible to get to the nukes?

I suppose the other option is to try to completely erase that other 1% of the time, but how is it even possible? We all experience emotions and mind fluctuations. Just food for thought!

That's right, man. A relapse, in my case, happens when I lose control of myself, like you said I become someone else. Then I come back to my senses after the relapse and regret it. Remembering the benefits that we've accumulate and remembering how we feel after relapses are important things. We must remind ourselves that we don't want to lose the benefits and we don't want to feel like shit after relapsing. I've turned on a parental control on my computer, which blocks all the porn websites. I know I could turn it off anytime but you see I am able now to catch myself when the autopilot's button is pressed by the addiction. I am able to say: "Ah, no, I won't look for any porn material." This parental control comes in handy like this. It's like a reminder: "yo, what are you doing? What did you write there? Wasn't you staying away from any porn material?" So far it hasn't happened. I didn't write any porn in the search bar. I always stopped myself when the craving manifested. But I never too safe. Things could happen. I need to be careful.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #484 on: August 16, 2019, 05:20:15 AM »
Day 26

Urges again. The craving for dopamine is unbearable. When are those fucking things going to go away? What day?

« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 05:29:17 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #485 on: August 16, 2019, 10:06:06 AM »
From day 22 to day 25, I experienced symptoms of flatline. I felt void of life: empty, no energy, apathetic, aloof, no mood for the day. Today urges came back. I survided a round of brutal urges earlier. But together with urges, life came back to me too. I felt full of life, energized as if I had changed my batteries. It seems that days with urges are days when I'm full of life and days with flatline symptoms are days where it's completely opposite. I can't wait for that day where I'm done with P. I'm tired of urges to be honest and if there are no urges, it's flatline and I hate that too.  >:(
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 10:12:02 AM by Lero »

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #486 on: August 16, 2019, 01:59:13 PM »
Yo Lero,

I wonder whether my recent post on my forum will help with this at all. I believe it's really a case of being able to bear anything. You can bear this flatline, and the proof is in the fact that you have not dropped dead. This may seem simplistic, but bear with me.

In Buddhism, there is a prayer that goes as follows:

May everyone be happy,
May everyone be free from misery,
May no one ever be separated from their happiness,
May everyone have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.

I love this prayer. The first line 'May everyone be happy', is so simple, yet powerful. I mean, what kind of person wouldn't wish that on himself and the world? One who has enemies, perhaps. But why do our enemies show us hate? Because they are in misery.

First thing, your weariness, is a form of misery. You spoke about misery on my forum a few days ago and I answered by saying that I don't experience it so much anymore. I will edit this. I was wrong. Hopelessness and weariness are definitely forms of misery. Misery is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as 'a state or feeling of great physical or mental distress or discomfort.' Pretty much sums us up, eh?

Moving onto the next line: 'May everyone be free from misery.' Why do we wish everybody to be free from misery? So that they can be happy!

'May no one ever be separated from their happiness'. True happiness, in Buddhism and other Eastern schools of thought, is tantamount to Enlightenment. Enlightenment is very difficult to define, because it is a stateless state that is all-knowing and all-loving. Every being has a Buddha nature. This means, that they are all potential Buddhas (enlightened beings). The enlightened state of consciousness is not wanting, and is not resisting anything. It is imbued with the deep understanding that the cosmic unfolding can never be understood through the human mind or the ego. This doesn't mean we have to sit in a cave and meditate all day, and if a feeling or thought comes we need to reject it. That is not truly wise. We need to find the space within ourselves, simply to observe the feeling of misery. Maybe it helps to label the feeling 'misery' and sit with it. It's not going to kill you. This is, granted the bit I struggle with, because when those urges arise, out of my lack of clarity I usually relapse. Maybe one day I'll practise what I preach!

'May everyone have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment'

Equanimity

noun

mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.


May everyone have mental calmness composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation, and may everyone be free from hatred and attachment.

Hatred and attachment? Hatred is more obvious, and it can be interpreted as hatred towards anything or anyone, including P. But it can also include anger and frustration.

Attachment is the real biggie. We have blatant attachments, like our attachments to P, but also more subtle ones, like attachments to our thoughts and feelings relating to P, and to recovery and withdrawal. We have attachments to the concept of the person who is experiencing the misery. How real is this concept? Can this concept of a person be seen? By whom is it seen?

Lastly,

May you be happy,
May you be free from misery,
May you never be separated from your happiness,
May you have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.








Do or die

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #487 on: August 16, 2019, 02:02:01 PM »
 keep going
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #488 on: August 16, 2019, 02:09:11 PM »
Yo Lero,

I wonder whether my recent post on my forum will help with this at all. I believe it's really a case of being able to bear anything. You can bear this flatline, and the proof is in the fact that you have not dropped dead. This may seem simplistic, but bear with me.

In Buddhism, there is a prayer that goes as follows:

May everyone be happy,
May everyone be free from misery,
May no one ever be separated from their happiness,
May everyone have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.

I love this prayer. The first line 'May everyone be happy', is so simple, yet powerful. I mean, what kind of person wouldn't wish that on himself and the world? One who has enemies, perhaps. But why do our enemies show us hate? Because they are in misery.

First thing, your weariness, is a form of misery. You spoke about misery on my forum a few days ago and I answered by saying that I don't experience it so much anymore. I will edit this. I was wrong. Hopelessness and weariness are definitely forms of misery. Misery is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as 'a state or feeling of great physical or mental distress or discomfort.' Pretty much sums us up, eh?

Moving onto the next line: 'May everyone be free from misery.' Why do we wish everybody to be free from misery? So that they can be happy!

'May no one ever be separated from their happiness'. True happiness, in Buddhism and other Eastern schools of thought, is tantamount to Enlightenment. Enlightenment is very difficult to define, because it is a stateless state that is all-knowing and all-loving. Every being has a Buddha nature. This means, that they are all potential Buddhas (enlightened beings). The enlightened state of consciousness is not wanting, and is not resisting anything. It is imbued with the deep understanding that the cosmic unfolding can never be understood through the human mind or the ego. This doesn't mean we have to sit in a cave and meditate all day, and if a feeling or thought comes we need to reject it. That is not truly wise. We need to find the space within ourselves, simply to observe the feeling of misery. Maybe it helps to label the feeling 'misery' and sit with it. It's not going to kill you. This is, granted the bit I struggle with, because when those urges arise, out of my lack of clarity I usually relapse. Maybe one day I'll practise what I preach!

'May everyone have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment'

Equanimity

noun

mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.


May everyone have mental calmness composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation, and may everyone be free from hatred and attachment.

Hatred and attachment? Hatred is more obvious, and it can be interpreted as hatred towards anything or anyone, including P. But it can also include anger and frustration.

Attachment is the real biggie. We have blatant attachments, like our attachments to P, but also more subtle ones, like attachments to our thoughts and feelings relating to P, and to recovery and withdrawal. We have attachments to the concept of the person who is experiencing the misery. How real is this concept? Can this concept of a person be seen? By whom is it seen?

Lastly,

May you be happy,
May you be free from misery,
May you never be separated from your happiness,
May you have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.

Well, I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean but thanks for support.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #489 on: August 16, 2019, 02:09:30 PM »

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #490 on: August 16, 2019, 02:38:34 PM »
Quote
Well, I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean but thanks for support.

LMAO  ;D! TLDR version: be kind to yourself. Don't get too involved in thoughts or feelings. Try and keep a distance. Consider meditating.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #491 on: August 16, 2019, 02:40:32 PM »
LMAO  ;D! TLDR version: be kind to yourself. Don't get too involved in thoughts or feelings. Try and keep a distance. Consider meditating.

Now we're talking about.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #492 on: August 16, 2019, 06:16:34 PM »
Just keep at it, and, like the Adventurer said, don't be too hard on yourself in the process.

It's natural to get angry at urges and at our addiction. I think I have tended to react with anger and fear when urges arise. In the last few months, though, I have decided to respond to urges and addiction with kindness and gentleness.

I became addicted because I was trying to escape from pain in my life. My brain learned that PMO gave me enough pleasure to erase the pain for a little while. My brain was only trying to help, even if it was wrong. So I have started to see urges as a continued attempt by my brain to ease whatever pain I am experiencing. Reacting with anger only adds to that pain and intensifies the urge.

Maybe the next time the urges arise, thank your brain for wanting to take care of you in your pain, but also kindly decline its offer. You are learning a better way to take care of your pain.

Keep at it!

Jay2019

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #493 on: August 17, 2019, 01:14:57 AM »
You seem to me to have great mental strength, Lero.  All those urges, flatlining, struggling, and still you don't give in.  Keep using that stubbornness and determination.  Keep coming in here and posting, keep looking after yourself, and keep your eyes focused on the freedom you are creating for yourself.   Keep going.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 01:17:46 AM by Jay2019 »

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #494 on: August 17, 2019, 03:48:14 AM »
Just keep at it, and, like the Adventurer said, don't be too hard on yourself in the process.

It's natural to get angry at urges and at our addiction. I think I have tended to react with anger and fear when urges arise. In the last few months, though, I have decided to respond to urges and addiction with kindness and gentleness.

I became addicted because I was trying to escape from pain in my life. My brain learned that PMO gave me enough pleasure to erase the pain for a little while. My brain was only trying to help, even if it was wrong. So I have started to see urges as a continued attempt by my brain to ease whatever pain I am experiencing. Reacting with anger only adds to that pain and intensifies the urge.

Maybe the next time the urges arise, thank your brain for wanting to take care of you in your pain, but also kindly decline its offer. You are learning a better way to take care of your pain.

Keep at it!

Thanks, man, I appreciate it.

Yeah, I've had many days with brutal urges. Yesterday was one of them. It's very annoying but I've noticed that I have harder urges in the first part of the day. If I pass that successfully, then it's better.

I started porn simply because of the pleasure that it brought. The dopamine hit was great. It's like you try cocaine for the first time. It was not to escape any pain, I didn't have any real "pain" at 13-14. But you see, it became a form of soothing too after a while. I was not even aware that I edged uncontrollably for hours to distract myself from reality. Anyway, after 27 days away from porn I feel some benefits. Some emotions are returning to me. I don't feel sedated and unmotivated like I used to.

Fuck porn. Choose life. Porn is the exact opposite of living.

"Porn" and "Poison" start with the same letter.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #495 on: August 17, 2019, 03:48:58 AM »
You seem to me to have great mental strength, Lero.  All those urges, flatlining, struggling, and still you don't give in.  Keep using that stubbornness and determination.  Keep coming in here and posting, keep looking after yourself, and keep your eyes focused on the freedom you are creating for yourself.   Keep going.

Thanks for support. I appreciate it.

NewStart04

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #496 on: August 17, 2019, 07:03:32 AM »
Lero

You're almost at the one-month mark. Stick with it and keep inspiring us with your hard-won progress.

Wishing you the best.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #497 on: August 17, 2019, 07:19:49 AM »
Lero

You're almost at the one-month mark. Stick with it and keep inspiring us with your hard-won progress.

Wishing you the best.

Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.

Lero

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #498 on: August 17, 2019, 08:56:15 AM »
Day 27




« Last Edit: August 17, 2019, 09:32:21 AM by Lero »

Free-man

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Re: I am not going back to P
« Reply #499 on: August 17, 2019, 09:46:37 AM »
It's the withdrawal Lero.
The dopamine wants you come back to IT
Same happens to me, urges, cravings, anxiety, bad sleep, restlessness, change of mood frequently, anger, sadness, depression symptoms… comes to me all these days but we have to fight against it.
It's very difficult to avoid all these feelings and these thoughts because the addiction is with all of us for very long time and knows our triggers and what happen after.

We have to:
- Identify our triggers
- Change our behaviours
- Replace bad habits like this one for good ones