Author Topic: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"  (Read 12548 times)

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #100 on: June 23, 2019, 02:04:30 PM »
FUCK

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 940
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #101 on: June 23, 2019, 06:16:46 PM »
Sorry man.

Sometimes, for me, a relapse happens over a couple of days, maybe with a day or two in between. Maybe those are two separate relapses, but I always see it as the same relapse. Still a problem, but it could be that whatever happened the other day is still working its way through your system.

What happened between your first post today and the lapse? I hate to be the annoying guy who just makes you retrace your steps, but I think it's really important, and this is a safe place to write it out. If you don't feel comfortable doing that here, write it down somewhere: what happens, step by step, before you relapse? Does the edging come first or the porn? Do they happen at the same time? What are you thinking about? Feeling?

It's a lot of questions, and it can take a lot of work and some difficult self-honesty. But there's actually more to it than just catching yourself sooner. The thing is, porn isn't really the problem: it's our addicted brain's attempt at a solution. Retracing your steps and being really honest about why you relapsed may teach you something about the underlying issues that you're using porn to cope with. For me, a lot of my relapses happen when I'm feeling bad about being single. Porn gives me a fake kind of access to women and the pleasure of PMO makes me forget the feelings of loneliness. Knowing that has helped me to work more deliberately on coming to terms with being single for the time being without having to self-medicate with porn. I'm still single, but I don't feel as terrible about it as I used to, so I don't need porn as much to deal with it. I never would have learned that if I had only focused on porn as the problem and not as a symptom of some larger problem(s).

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #102 on: June 24, 2019, 04:05:36 AM »
Sometimes, for me, a relapse happens over a couple of days, maybe with a day or two in between. Maybe those are two separate relapses, but I always see it as the same relapse. Still a problem, but it could be that whatever happened the other day is still working its way through your system.

I had some sort of chaser effect or something, like someone had injected me with craving for stimulation. It wasn't even the P, it was a thirst for edging. It's like edging is what my brains wants. It's like that experiment with the monkey that I read in a book. They came to the conclusion that the "anticipation" released more dopamine than the pleasure itself. After I read that, everything made complete sense. Edging is the anticipation for a "great O" that never comes. Edging feels better than the O. I started edging to fantasies then I moved to P, watched P for hours and edged uncontrollably. It was clear I had to stop but I couldn't. I couldn't talk myself out of it, I couldn't move myself from the chair in front of computer.

Quote
What happened between your first post today and the lapse? I hate to be the annoying guy who just makes you retrace your steps, but I think it's really important, and this is a safe place to write it out. If you don't feel comfortable doing that here, write it down somewhere: what happens, step by step, before you relapse? Does the edging come first or the porn? Do they happen at the same time? What are you thinking about? Feeling?

Like I said above, I start edging first to fantasies and then I move to P because those fantasies are not that strong anymore after a few minutes. I start craving more stimulation from P. The more I edge, the more craving I get, like eating sugar. After a while that "tank" with arousal is exhausted so I'm supposed to stop, right? I can't. It's like, with this "tank" my little "shield" that I have is shattered too. This shield, sometimes, protects me from PMO-ing or edging when I have urges but it's like after I stimulate myself for a while, this shield is gone, I don't have urges anymore but I have a craving for more and I can't control it anymore. I continue to edge over and over again for hours until I O, a weak O that doesn't do shit.

What makes me want to edge? I guess urges. I've said in another post that I have a routine of relapsing after 4-5 days. When I reach the day, I have hard urges. That's why I've said it pissed me off: I've fallen for the same trap when I knew about it and I shouldn't. It starts with that fucking voice in my ear (from the addicted brain): "You have hard urges, imagine how edging will feel now. Hmmmmmm! So what are you waiting for?" And if I say "no", it tells me: "Okay, just a little edging won't kill you. One minute." And now I'm supposed to see the trap and move away but I don't. I actually give this fucking minute to the brain and then everything starts and I can't control it. Maybe it starts from the beginning, when I don't know what to do about urges.

Quote
It's a lot of questions, and it can take a lot of work and some difficult self-honesty. But there's actually more to it than just catching yourself sooner. The thing is, porn isn't really the problem: it's our addicted brain's attempt at a solution. Retracing your steps and being really honest about why you relapsed may teach you something about the underlying issues that you're using porn to cope with. For me, a lot of my relapses happen when I'm feeling bad about being single. Porn gives me a fake kind of access to women and the pleasure of PMO makes me forget the feelings of loneliness. Knowing that has helped me to work more deliberately on coming to terms with being single for the time being without having to self-medicate with porn. I'm still single, but I don't feel as terrible about it as I used to, so I don't need porn as much to deal with it. I never would have learned that if I had only focused on porn as the problem and not as a symptom of some larger problem(s).

Yeah, I know how this feels cause I'm single too and I also used PMO like: "I'm single, man, what do you want me to do? How am I supposed to satisfy my sexual needs?" But they were not sexual needs, it was P withdrawal. All right, maybe this is a problem too. Maybe somewhere deep down inside this plays a part too.


« Last Edit: June 24, 2019, 06:48:36 AM by Lero »

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #103 on: June 24, 2019, 07:52:04 AM »
Day 1

This last binge fucked me up. My mood is shit, my energy is shit and I am dealing with a tone of general and social anxiety. How the fuck am I getting out of this?  :(

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #104 on: June 25, 2019, 04:39:29 AM »
Day 2

I struggled to fall asleep and I didn't sleep too much. I woke up tired. I have less anxiety than yesterday.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2019, 05:31:03 AM by Lero »

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #105 on: June 25, 2019, 11:29:11 AM »
As some time has now passed since the event, I would like to commend you for your most excellent post of June 23, 2019, 02:04:30.  Succinct yet comprehensive, I think that post captured the whole essence of what is going on here in this battle.  You spoke for everybody.

I also look forward to the not too distant time when an even shorter post, YES, will emerge from your journal. Keep fighting-you are going to make it.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #106 on: June 25, 2019, 02:17:36 PM »
As some time has now passed since the event, I would like to commend you for your most excellent post of June 23, 2019, 02:04:30.  Succinct yet comprehensive, I think that post captured the whole essence of what is going on here in this battle.  You spoke for everybody.

I also look forward to the not too distant time when an even shorter post, YES, will emerge from your journal. Keep fighting-you are going to make it.

Thanks, man! I appreciate the support and taking the time to visit my page. I am too looking forward for the day when I could finally said I am done with it and I could post in the success stories. This fight is hard but, when you don't fight, you lose 100%. When you fight, you have chances of winning. Sometimes it looks like I can't do this, sometimes it looks like I can but I can't give up. I've done that in the past. I had periods of time when I just "let myself go" and binged on PMO. I can't do that anymore. You need a "training program" to follow until you are prepared to fight and win against this poison. Good luck.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 940
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #107 on: June 25, 2019, 05:45:25 PM »

I had some sort of chaser effect or something, like someone had injected me with craving for stimulation. It wasn't even the P, it was a thirst for edging. It's like edging is what my brains wants. It's like that experiment with the monkey that I read in a book. They came to the conclusion that the "anticipation" released more dopamine than the pleasure itself. After I read that, everything made complete sense. Edging is the anticipation for a "great O" that never comes. Edging feels better than the O. I started edging to fantasies then I moved to P, watched P for hours and edged uncontrollably. It was clear I had to stop but I couldn't. I couldn't talk myself out of it, I couldn't move myself from the chair in front of computer.


Man, I have been there more times than I want to count. Hours and hours of P and edging. I would make deals with myself at 9:00 at night, just until 9:30. Then before I knew it it would be 5 in the morning, and I'd say, okay, just until 5:30. And I would just wonder how I had lost the whole night, and I would feel awful (and tired) for the whole days, actually for days. It really is a nightmare, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it too.


Like I said above, I start edging first to fantasies and then I move to P because those fantasies are not that strong anymore after a few minutes. I start craving more stimulation from P. The more I edge, the more craving I get, like eating sugar. After a while that "tank" with arousal is exhausted so I'm supposed to stop, right? I can't. It's like, with this "tank" my little "shield" that I have is shattered too. This shield, sometimes, protects me from PMO-ing or edging when I have urges but it's like after I stimulate myself for a while, this shield is gone, I don't have urges anymore but I have a craving for more and I can't control it anymore. I continue to edge over and over again for hours until I O, a weak O that doesn't do shit.

What makes me want to edge? I guess urges. I've said in another post that I have a routine of relapsing after 4-5 days. When I reach the day, I have hard urges. That's why I've said it pissed me off: I've fallen for the same trap when I knew about it and I shouldn't. It starts with that fucking voice in my ear (from the addicted brain): "You have hard urges, imagine how edging will feel now. Hmmmmmm! So what are you waiting for?" And if I say "no", it tells me: "Okay, just a little edging won't kill you. One minute." And now I'm supposed to see the trap and move away but I don't. I actually give this fucking minute to the brain and then everything starts and I can't control it. Maybe it starts from the beginning, when I don't know what to do about urges.



I feel this too. The urges get strong, and I think edging isn't MO, so it must be fine. And then I get stuck. This year, I've been realizing that "harmless" things really aren't. You know, it's like I was always cutting deals with myself: no P, but sexy swimsuit pictures are okay. No M, but edging is fine. Those are not good deals. Maybe the women in bikinis aren't nude,  but I'm using the pictures in the same way, for the same dopamine fix (but also with the thrill of delayed gratification, I guess, like those monkeys). Actually internalizing the fact that edging is not a safe substitute for MO has been a hard thing to do, but it has also made a huge difference for me.

Also, I was listening to a talk or a meditation or something that said that urges are our brain's way of taking care of us. Our brain isn't trying to ruin our lives, but it has learned that the rush of PMO eases the pain of stress/sadness/etc. When I realized that the urges were my brain's way of trying to help me deal with pain, it helped me to take a different attitude toward my urges. Instead of tightening my fists and shouting "NO" until I relapsed, I started saying things like "Thanks for the idea, but I'm going to deal with this issue in another way." Addictions are a response to cope with trauma, and my job has been to identify the emotional pain that I experience and to address it in better ways.

Urges are powerful and relentless. After almost a decade of trying to quit, I have only recently managed to get through the urges without relapsing. It was never something I could do because they always seemed too strong and too much like I needed to give in so they would go away. Learning from experience that I actually could wait them out and redirect that energy has been a huge game changer in the last few months.


Yeah, I know how this feels cause I'm single too and I also used PMO like: "I'm single, man, what do you want me to do? How am I supposed to satisfy my sexual needs?" But they were not sexual needs, it was P withdrawal. All right, maybe this is a problem too. Maybe somewhere deep down inside this plays a part too.



Yeah, this recovery process has really forced me to dig deep and figure out what's actually bothering me. PMO is my brain's attempt to help me feel less bad about being single, less bad about feeling hopeless about the future. PMO isn't the real problem, just the most visible symptom. It takes work, and it can be scary,  but I think getting to that deep-inside level to find out why we keep turning to porn is really important.

Cheering you on! (and sorry to write a novel lol!)

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #108 on: June 26, 2019, 04:21:12 AM »
I feel this too. The urges get strong, and I think edging isn't MO, so it must be fine. And then I get stuck. This year, I've been realizing that "harmless" things really aren't. You know, it's like I was always cutting deals with myself: no P, but sexy swimsuit pictures are okay. No M, but edging is fine. Those are not good deals. Maybe the women in bikinis aren't nude,  but I'm using the pictures in the same way, for the same dopamine fix (but also with the thrill of delayed gratification, I guess, like those monkeys). Actually internalizing the fact that edging is not a safe substitute for MO has been a hard thing to do, but it has also made a huge difference for me.

Some time ago I used to think like that too. I said that edging to fantasies and flashbacks were safe because I didn't O and I didn't watch P. But it was, of course, my brain's tricks to make me give it stimulation. "You don't watch P? Then do something. Okay, so you think edging to flashbacks and fantasies is all right, good, then do this and give me some fix." Back then, looking at those pictures was considered safe by me as well. "It's not P. As long as someone is not naked, I'm fine." Then I read that all those were not actually safe and then I felt that "panic" that came with now having no excuses for stimulation. "No pictures, no edging to flashbacks, no edging to fantasies, actually no edging at all, obviously no P then what the fuck am I gonna do?" Of course that question shouldn't have even happened but you know how it is: We know we should stay away from all that bullshit but there is a part of us that doesn't. And if we don't make up our mind for good to want 100% to quit, that part will always be inside and will "panic" and feel "sad" at the thought of no P and P related stimulation.

Now, knowing all this, another question should be: "All right, you know that you shouldn't edge and that you shouldn't look at pictures so why the fuck do you keep doing this?" That's a good question. I know what to do but I don't understand why I don't implement it right. My relapses start with "a little edging" and I am completely aware I shouldn't do that.

Quote
Also, I was listening to a talk or a meditation or something that said that urges are our brain's way of taking care of us. Our brain isn't trying to ruin our lives, but it has learned that the rush of PMO eases the pain of stress/sadness/etc. When I realized that the urges were my brain's way of trying to help me deal with pain, it helped me to take a different attitude toward my urges. Instead of tightening my fists and shouting "NO" until I relapsed, I started saying things like "Thanks for the idea, but I'm going to deal with this issue in another way." Addictions are a response to cope with trauma, and my job has been to identify the emotional pain that I experience and to address it in better ways.

That's an interesting way to look at it. I'll think about it.

Quote
Urges are powerful and relentless. After almost a decade of trying to quit, I have only recently managed to get through the urges without relapsing. It was never something I could do because they always seemed too strong and too much like I needed to give in so they would go away. Learning from experience that I actually could wait them out and redirect that energy has been a huge game changer in the last few months.

Yeah, man, I know this too. I've relapsed like that a tone. It's been maybe 5-6 years for me too. I know how this works. When hard urges hit me, I would say: "I'll give up now and try next time, maybe next time I will feel different, maybe I will be stronger." Always postponing the responsibility to fight with this. Always running away from the pain. Only to see that it was never easier, the same hard urges, the same withdrawal came every time, with every attempt. It won't be different next time, the truth is we have to go through the pain if we want to be saved. That's why only a handful of people actually quit P for good. A lot of people move in a circle decade after decade. It scares me to even think that it could be me, that I could be 50 and still here writing "Day 1". Sometimes this thought comes into my head, I can't deny that. Sometimes I feel like I know what I have to do and that I will beat this but then I would question the same thing when I see that I still relapse.

Quote
Cheering you on! (and sorry to write a novel lol!)

No, man, you can't say sorry when you try to help me. You can write how much you want. Thanks for the constant support.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #109 on: June 26, 2019, 04:27:54 AM »
Day 3

Feeling like shit. My mood is shit, my energy is shit, everything is shit. I am in a bad mood, worse than yesterday. I woke up earlier than I should've because of some bullshit.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 10:37:51 AM by Lero »

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #110 on: June 26, 2019, 10:39:25 AM »
Sleep influences how I feel during the day. When I don't sleep enough, I have more anxiety and more obsessive thoughts. I am pretty stressed out about my job, maybe that's why I can't sleep well.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 940
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #111 on: June 26, 2019, 05:13:05 PM »
No, man, you can't say sorry when you try to help me. You can write how much you want. Thanks for the constant support.

No problem! I'm happy it's supportive, and I appreciate your support too!

That's no good that you're still feeling bad. Stress at work could definitely have something to do with your sleep and your relapse. I know I always relapse more when I'm tired.

I know just getting more sleep or dealing with work stress are easier said than done, but even finding small things to help take the edge off can make a big difference. I've been working harder to stay away from screens in the last hour or two before going to bed and just reading a book instead. It has really helped me to go to bed without having so many racing thoughts. It doesn't always work, but it does help. Finding some routine to set stress aside and just settle into a quiet night might be helpful.

Hang in there, man! Better days are coming!

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #112 on: June 27, 2019, 04:13:02 AM »
No problem! I'm happy it's supportive, and I appreciate your support too!

That's no good that you're still feeling bad. Stress at work could definitely have something to do with your sleep and your relapse. I know I always relapse more when I'm tired.

I know just getting more sleep or dealing with work stress are easier said than done, but even finding small things to help take the edge off can make a big difference. I've been working harder to stay away from screens in the last hour or two before going to bed and just reading a book instead. It has really helped me to go to bed without having so many racing thoughts. It doesn't always work, but it does help. Finding some routine to set stress aside and just settle into a quiet night might be helpful.

Hang in there, man! Better days are coming!

Thanks, man.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #113 on: June 27, 2019, 04:14:02 AM »
Day 4

Danger day. The day when I usually relapse. But I don't have urges so far which is rare. Nevertheless, I welcome this. My mood is a little better than yesterday and I am better rested.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #114 on: June 27, 2019, 07:23:01 AM »
It's been some time since I last had a good streak away from PMO but I remember the benefits as if it was yesterday. I have to keep in mind that I want to get there again. It's annoying how the battle between "A better well-being" vs "A temporary pleasure that eventually destroys" is won unanimously by the latter. This fucking brain loves pleasure more than my well-being. It's only when I look from outside (as if I separated my soul from my mind) that I could make the difference between the two but then the struggle starts. How long am I going to choose destructive fake pleasure and live my life feeling like shit, dealing with anxiety, low energy, depression, obsessive thoughts and so on? I know that all those are because of P. It's a matter of life and death here because feeling like a wreck is synonymous with being dead. What is a wreck? A broken ship, on the bottom of the ocean, that doesn't fulfill its duty anymore, that doesn't have a "life" anymore.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #115 on: June 27, 2019, 02:37:19 PM »
I've survived the 4th day, the day when I've relapsed too many times. The "switch" in my brain flipped, obviously, and, although the day started without urges, they manifested later. I started having P flashbacks and thinking about fantasies, I started thinking about the pleasure but then I caught myself and said: "What the fuck are you doing?" I began visualizing my goal and I felt like I could tip the balance a little bit toward the best option (choosing well-being and not the short fake pleasure). Tomorrow I might be going through the same things because the 5th day is also a danger day. It was like this: If I didn't relapse on day 4, I did it on day 5. Both days are crucial right now.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 04:12:31 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 940
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #116 on: June 27, 2019, 05:54:31 PM »
Way to be, man! Telling those urges to back off and getting through day 4 is huge!

Good to be cautious about tomorrow, too. Even better, you made it through today, so you just need to apply the same thinking to one more day to get through day 5.

I know it always gets hardest for me in the few days before and after reaching a goal. It's like my addiction knows it's about to lose another battle so it ramps up the attack to try to get me to fall. Setting smaller goals has really helped me to get through strong urges. For me, at least, there's something that's really psychologically helpful about only having to get to 30 days instead of 90. When my goal was 100 days, I failed pretty quick. Once I got a couple 30-day streaks under my belt, though, 100 days was way more achievable. (And for me, I was relapsing pretty much exactly every 30 days, so it was a goal that made sense).

All this to say, forget about 90 days or 100 days or even a week without PMO. Just focus on getting through day 5: you can put up with anything for a day. Then, and only then, can you start thinking about day 6.

You've got it man! We're all in this one with you!

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #117 on: June 28, 2019, 04:22:31 AM »
Way to be, man! Telling those urges to back off and getting through day 4 is huge!

Good to be cautious about tomorrow, too. Even better, you made it through today, so you just need to apply the same thinking to one more day to get through day 5.

I know it always gets hardest for me in the few days before and after reaching a goal. It's like my addiction knows it's about to lose another battle so it ramps up the attack to try to get me to fall. Setting smaller goals has really helped me to get through strong urges. For me, at least, there's something that's really psychologically helpful about only having to get to 30 days instead of 90. When my goal was 100 days, I failed pretty quick. Once I got a couple 30-day streaks under my belt, though, 100 days was way more achievable. (And for me, I was relapsing pretty much exactly every 30 days, so it was a goal that made sense).

All this to say, forget about 90 days or 100 days or even a week without PMO. Just focus on getting through day 5: you can put up with anything for a day. Then, and only then, can you start thinking about day 6.

You've got it man! We're all in this one with you!

Yeah, man, I know exactly what you're talking about. To be honest, it has never worked for me when I said "Let's go for X days without PMO." It becomes such a scary project. I start obsessing about how long it takes. I think it would work better if I said: "Let's not relapse today. Let's do what we know we should do and go past the urges." A day without PMO seems an easier goal than 90 days, 100 days or whatever. Even a week seems scary. Even if I have almost a week, I don't want to set goals in terms of days. I want to set goals in terms of not relapsing today and in doing the right things everyday. I guess a good goal would be something like: "I want to reach the point when I could deal with urges, cravings and thoughts and move on every time." If this makes sense.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #118 on: June 28, 2019, 04:43:51 AM »
Day 5

I woke up to hard urges. My hand moved automatically and I realized I had grabbed my dick and started to jerk it a little bit. I stopped and started thinking about why I wanted to be an addict no more. I said the benefits in my mind as if writing them down on a paper.

"Do you remember that time when you had two week without PMO? You had energy and your anxiety was so low. Don't you want to get there again? Do you like the lack of energy and high anxiety?"

So I got up and started doing other things. The urges remind me of the pleasure but I don't want this kind of pleasure anymore. I just need a little bit of strength to jump past the desire.   

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #119 on: June 28, 2019, 07:29:47 AM »
I edged to fantasies for about 10 minutes then I moved to P where I watched for other few minutes and continued to edge, unable to stop myself, as if I was in a trance. But then the urges went completely down and I thought: "I will not have a good O with this level of urges." I stopped everything and then I snapped out of the trance and realized: "What the fuck am I doing? Again? I'm doing the same fucking thing! If I continue like this I will fully relapse after frying myself with edging for hours!"

Man, it pissed me off like crazy. It pisses me off how I sabotage myself like that. The same fucking routine, the same fucking circle.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 07:32:06 AM by Lero »

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #120 on: June 28, 2019, 09:03:21 AM »
I will fight to end the day with just that slip. I don't want a full relapse.

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 158
    • View Profile
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #121 on: June 28, 2019, 12:49:08 PM »
Hey Lero,

I've been reading through your journal a bit. I have a similar routine when it comes to relapsing every 4-5 days. I just wanna say that we're all behind you and I'd just like to offer my support on your journey.

What @BlueHeronFan said a few posts back about the brain just wanting pleasure and to look at the urges and just gently say 'no, I think I'll deal with this another way' is a much better way than to get stressed when urges come, and it got me thinking. It seems a kind of an oxymoron, because urges by their very nature mean that you're in a state of stress. It's not nice to feel something you don't want to, but in what he said there, it reminded me of peaceful non-resistance. Think about it, most of the greatest and most influential individuals who have left a lasting positive imprint on humanity have been those who have utilised peaceful non-resistance in their protest whilst they were being persecuted. It was a tough road for them but they eventually won.
I recently saw the movie about Mahatma Gandhi and his life, which was really inspiring. It was so crazy how he gained independence for India through peaceful means and not through violence, even though he could have just as easily taken up arms at any time and people would have 100% followed him. But he knew that violence was all the British knew, and they were experts at it, so he knew he had to use a different tactic that was alien to them. And what he managed to do was leave a lasting legacy for other people to follow his example and as a result, he left the world a better place then how he found it.

It may sound a bit silly that I'm talking about Gandhi on my first post on your journal :P , but I really feel that a similar approach can be applied to our urges. The urge for P is the persecutor of the innocent, and all attempts to overcome it through willpower alone seem to prove futile. P just always seem to be able to gather a bigger army and more a deadly arsenal.
So, we learn from experience that it doesn't work to declare outright war on P and resist with strong willpower and clenched fists. There has to be some kind of balance between remaining a warrior and not giving in to an urge, and staying peaceful and balanced in our fight. After all, we are warriors of love and peace. Is that not the kind of life we'd ultimately like to lead? Do we not wish to help others and have a positive impact on people's lives? It makes perfect sense, in my opinion, to start as we wish to go on.

Sure, it's easier said than done to be a peaceful warrior, but I truly believe we all have the potential in us to overcome the se urges, and overcome the urge to fight them with a violent mind. We can fight the urges with peaceful non-resistance, whilst remaining steadfast in our resolve, and it will lead to victory.

We know that we have to overcome P because it is the right thing to do, and so we are resolved to overcome it. This already makes us great. It may be a bumpy road, but we have to realise that we have already come a long way and that there is no turning back. We are all in this together. So let's fuckin' do this thang!

IT IS YOUR DESTINY TO BE FREE. DON'T LET YOUR DOPAMINE-STARVED BRAIN TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY!

YOU CAN DO THIS.

- Adventurer

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #122 on: June 28, 2019, 02:12:40 PM »
Hey Lero,

I've been reading through your journal a bit. I have a similar routine when it comes to relapsing every 4-5 days. I just wanna say that we're all behind you and I'd just like to offer my support on your journey.

What @BlueHeronFan said a few posts back about the brain just wanting pleasure and to look at the urges and just gently say 'no, I think I'll deal with this another way' is a much better way than to get stressed when urges come, and it got me thinking. It seems a kind of an oxymoron, because urges by their very nature mean that you're in a state of stress. It's not nice to feel something you don't want to, but in what he said there, it reminded me of peaceful non-resistance. Think about it, most of the greatest and most influential individuals who have left a lasting positive imprint on humanity have been those who have utilised peaceful non-resistance in their protest whilst they were being persecuted. It was a tough road for them but they eventually won.
I recently saw the movie about Mahatma Gandhi and his life, which was really inspiring. It was so crazy how he gained independence for India through peaceful means and not through violence, even though he could have just as easily taken up arms at any time and people would have 100% followed him. But he knew that violence was all the British knew, and they were experts at it, so he knew he had to use a different tactic that was alien to them. And what he managed to do was leave a lasting legacy for other people to follow his example and as a result, he left the world a better place then how he found it.

It may sound a bit silly that I'm talking about Gandhi on my first post on your journal :P , but I really feel that a similar approach can be applied to our urges. The urge for P is the persecutor of the innocent, and all attempts to overcome it through willpower alone seem to prove futile. P just always seem to be able to gather a bigger army and more a deadly arsenal.
So, we learn from experience that it doesn't work to declare outright war on P and resist with strong willpower and clenched fists. There has to be some kind of balance between remaining a warrior and not giving in to an urge, and staying peaceful and balanced in our fight. After all, we are warriors of love and peace. Is that not the kind of life we'd ultimately like to lead? Do we not wish to help others and have a positive impact on people's lives? It makes perfect sense, in my opinion, to start as we wish to go on.

Sure, it's easier said than done to be a peaceful warrior, but I truly believe we all have the potential in us to overcome the se urges, and overcome the urge to fight them with a violent mind. We can fight the urges with peaceful non-resistance, whilst remaining steadfast in our resolve, and it will lead to victory.

We know that we have to overcome P because it is the right thing to do, and so we are resolved to overcome it. This already makes us great. It may be a bumpy road, but we have to realise that we have already come a long way and that there is no turning back. We are all in this together. So let's fuckin' do this thang!

IT IS YOUR DESTINY TO BE FREE. DON'T LET YOUR DOPAMINE-STARVED BRAIN TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY!

YOU CAN DO THIS.

- Adventurer

Thanks, man. I appreciate the support. I like the idea. You made me think, you know? I'll try to see if I could implement some of that.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 02:40:06 PM by Lero »

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #123 on: June 28, 2019, 04:02:02 PM »
I passed the 5th day too but not without incidents. Only a circumstance prevented a full relapse today. Urges never returned to the same level after that and I was lucky but I don't know what I would do otherwise.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #124 on: June 29, 2019, 02:29:47 AM »
Day 6

I'm starting to notice some small benefits. I have a little less anxiety and a little more energy. My mood is good.