Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 50654 times)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 949
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #625 on: October 10, 2019, 05:17:53 PM »
Awesome, congrats on 5 days!

I love the idea of rearranging things for a new beginning! This isn't just about ending one behavior, it's about a whole new life.

Keep on building that new life, one more day at a time

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 631
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #626 on: October 16, 2019, 05:33:54 PM »
Thank you once again, guys!  :)

Day 12

I'm right back in the emotional rollercoaster of the first weeks of reboot and my life seems like a rollercoaster too. The good news is: I made a successful restart and it feels like a new life due to the changes I made at home (new furniture, clean up, buy new plants, rearrange old furniture), this really helps and I am confident to make it through the upcoming hard stage of reboot.

Last saturday I had sex twice with a girl I dated for a while at the beginning of this year, it definitely didn't feel as satisfying as during my longer streaks of abstinence and the second time I didn't get 100% hard. I cut back contact with her because of her drinking and cocaine habit and the danger for me to get pulled in again (we got drunk and high together often). This time I convinced her of cancelling the drug delivery and have a good time sober, but her habits are out of control and I need to keep more distance to save myself.

And ironically there is good news in terms of dating just now that I returned to the porn abyss: I got a girl's number at a bar (being completly drunk and high) three weeks ago and at first we didn't seem to have a good connection writing messages and we both had been really busy (as I was meeting the other girl again) until we finally met last week. I tried to avoid a dating situation, but we ended up at a bar sitting in front of each other and I felt the return of my social anxiety that had gotten so much better during my long abstinence.

I POINT THIS OUT TO MYSELF: The healing of social anxiety due to abstinence from porn is NOT placebo! I use to forget about this when my streaks advance, but after porn I have a hard time making eye contact and feel nervous and insecure.

My solution to this was to order drinks to relax a little and at some point I just went to the toilet because I really felt uncomfortable holding eye contact all the time - not because of her, she's really awesome and asked "You're not going to leave through the toilet window, are you?". I should have had a great time as she's good looking, funny and really self-confident, but instead I felt intimidated and worrying about not being good enough for her. Porn is not the source of every issue I have, but THIS is completely porn related! I really could beat myself up for throwing away my impressive streak last month.

However she really likes me and wanted to meet again. As I had already set up meeting the other girl last weekend, we agreed on meeting yesterday and she came to my place. To calm my nerves I planned on drinking with her, but as I offered her a drink she replied "No thanks, I do like you without being drunk." - I felt even more uncomfortable because I didn't know if it was a joke or a serious reference to my drinking behaviour. There was no choice but to stay sober and not use alcohol to escape. Later we cuddled, kissed and started undressing, but I felt too nervous and uncomfortable to keep going because she's incredibly hot and in the back of my head I thought about not being completely hard during the second round last saturday. She noticed that I didn't take off her underwear and asked if I didn't want to keep going. I told her straight forward that she was making me a little nervous, because I really like her a lot and that I'd prefer to keep things until that point for now. She was perfectly fine with that and told me today that she can't wait to meet me again and how she enjoyed being with me.

I remember how just a month ago I hit the 100 days clean, felt so much more self confident with much less social anxiety and now that I finally meet an amazing girl who likes me too I go through all this shit again. I am sick of that ever lasting vicious circle of falling into the porn abyss, experiencing social anxiety and as a result getting drunk or doing cocaine to socialize, then relapse on porn again due to the hangover and so on. My life is full of amazing opportunities and it's totally worth it to once again pull myself out of the abyss step by step, day by day.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 949
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #627 on: October 16, 2019, 07:02:45 PM »
Sounds like a busy few days! Good for you for sticking with recovery and recognizing that the benefits of extended abstinence are real.

I definitely know the feeling of wishing I had started sooner or not relapsed so recently. Those feelings of regret are useful if they help us to continue doing better, but they're damaging if all they do is make us feel bad. Sure, it would have been ideal if you hadn't relapsed when you did, but there's no changing that. It's easier said than done, but don't let it get you down too much. You're on track and still moving forward (you didn't start completely over).

So just keep at it, and look forward to more good things to come!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 418
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #628 on: October 17, 2019, 07:17:37 AM »
Quote
I remember how just a month ago I hit the 100 days clean, felt so much more self confident with much less social anxiety and now that I finally meet an amazing girl who likes me too I go through all this shit again.

You still have the benefit of your 100 days dude.  So you binged a weekend or two sure, but you have the experience of months of a different lifestyle.  You've completed a reboot.  The whole point is to see how life is without p and then build those habits to keep it that way.  You're are your way dude, keep it up!