Author Topic: The great climb out of a horrible place.  (Read 271 times)

restorationjunkie

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The great climb out of a horrible place.
« on: July 13, 2019, 12:01:13 PM »
 Hello fellow rebooters!

 I have been recovering from this addiction for nearly a year now. I am not completely healed yet but I am currently in a lengthy flat line phase and decided it is time to tell my story and get a little more involved in this community. I would say looking back I started around the age of 14 with this crap.

 I guess we all start by sharing our stories so it is here I will begin. I am 27 years old and I have had a hand full of short term relationships. Nothing serious or meaningful (longest being roughly three - four months) and as hard of a pill as it was to swallow why this has been the case, learning the truth about my problem sparked much hope in me. Last year I suffered a major physical injury at a rec league ice hockey game. I Spiral fractured my right femur and a woman I didn't expect had interest in me (who I think is very attractive) came to my side during recovery. As one can imagine I was suffering depression, anxiety and brain fog leading up to this point from porn addiction (I just had no idea it was the cause at this point). Breaking the strongest bone in your body certainly doesn't help these feelings. This was a year ago or there about.

 As time went on we grew closer and I could not keep it up during intimacy. I hurt this woman and was very confused and hurt myself as to why I couldn't be present with my emotions or feel any libido with a beautiful woman. It was the worst feeling I have ever had to process in my life. I knew I deeply cared for her and found her very attractive and something else was going on here. So I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist who initially shed light on porn use as the potential culprit. This was in the middle of last September, it was the beginning of this climb. After doing some digging online I have come across Gabes videos and website here as well as nofap. I immediately quit porn knowing it was destroying my life, though I struggled to knock off fapping without it until this March. As time went on and I returned to work I was hit with intense withdrawal symptoms. My depression got much worse, my anxiety spiked through the roof with multiple panic attacks (Two of which were very scary and felt like heart attacks) and I began to worry about everything to an extreme extent. I had my last major panic attack around March, which was when I decided I needed to take things a step further and get on the wagon of hard mode. Funny how that works? Since March I have only fapped a hand full of times and have noticed the following benefits.

-Slowing improving sleep quality
-Feeling more calm and less irritable
-More focus
-Far more social comfort and confidence (Not that I struggled too much with this before but I feel much better now)
-A greater enjoyment in small every day things in life at a time I was working 56 hour weeks. I am happier than I have been in years!
-More motivation to focus my energy on healthy eating and fitness
-Improving interest in women (Not the ones on a screen, never again!)
-Slow but noticeable reductions in withdrawal symptoms ( I feel mostly fine, at times lazy and have trouble sleeping but no more depression, brain fog or anxiety really - June 13th this year)

 As of now I am nearly one year free of watching any porn and will continue to be for a life time. It took longer to reduce and eliminate fapping (which I am still working on). When I made that first try on 90 days of hard mode I made huge progress, time to go for another 90 and another if I must. I feel much better but there are things I have gathered from other peoples recovery stories that I am going to try. I am going to keep working out and cut out as much t.v and video games as I can as I believe gaming can have dopamine hits that has probably slowed my progress down. I have found a few books on self help ideas and taken up meditation for 10-15 mins a day. As for logged recovery time I am only counting the days since this March. I felt a huge difference trying hard mode, clearly our brains need some time away from "O" all together to heal from this. I have opened up to a couple people in my life about this and I am working on the courage to tell more in time. I am in a flat line right now and it looks like I will be for months yet. This is okay with me, I have learned to be comfortable with it by reading up on it. Cheers to the next few months of recovery!

Porn free - 305 days as of today

 Best of luck to all of us!
« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 02:54:41 PM by restorationjunkie »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 06:22:15 PM »
Welcome to the community, and congratulations on getting close to the year mark! That's good progress, and there's a lot of good support here that I bet will help you make even more progress.

Keep it going!

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 10:03:32 PM »
Thanks for the support man! That's what I'm here to give to others too!

Do or die

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2019, 01:21:33 AM »
Welcome to this community. And congratulations on your one year mark.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2019, 08:18:35 AM »
Thank you!

Mrblueberry

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2019, 06:08:41 AM »
Welcome man! you can do this, i hope its easier for you with more people recovering on the forum!

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2019, 07:21:02 PM »
Thank you man! Yes this is a great place so far. Lots of positive outlook from stories I have read so far.

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2019, 07:31:39 AM »
Small update over the past week here. No PMO or MO for another week. Feel good but I have had lots of trouble sleeping as of late. State of this flatline is complete loss of libido right now. July 21/19

Mrblueberry

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2019, 06:54:40 PM »
You will get there man, maybe there are just some recovery symptons going on!

greetings bro

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2019, 06:53:38 AM »
Thank you my man! Things have been going good. One night I gave in to "MO" but felt no pleasure from it. Felt a bit anxious the next day and still didn't sleep but I just gotta keep it going. Not a major set back, first time in 3 weeks I think. Gotta buckle down.

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2019, 07:51:46 AM »
Time for a small update, I am keeping a physical Journal that I update every other day or so. I made another week of solid progress, still dealing with minor insomnia but I am no longer taking any Melatonin or or over the counter sleeping pills and I am just letting my body take care of itself. I am getting some sleep but not deep rem sleep. No steps backwards, full steam ahead!

restorationjunkie

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2019, 12:26:22 PM »
Been quite some time since my last entry again, no relapses to porn, just a few to masturbation. Current hard mode streak is around 35 days, over the course of the past year I have noticed a massive decrease in my depression and negative thoughts. The current phase of recovery presents symptoms of primarily insomnia and minor anxiety. I can still clearly see things are moving in the right direction but it is taking much longer than I was hoping for. Nothing can be done except to keep moving forward and embrace the fact that it feels like there is a little light at the end of the tunnel now. I guess when one does this for such an extended period and you learn to deal with the suppressed emotions of a decade or more it will take time.

squid

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Re: The great climb out of a horrible place.
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2019, 04:02:10 PM »
Keep up the good work!  You're young dude, if it takes time to build a beautiful life that's fine, you got time.  Keep truckin.  How many days since p or pmo?