Author Topic: Alive but not living because of P  (Read 9894 times)

Lero

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Alive but not living because of P
« on: May 22, 2019, 09:48:39 AM »
 Hello, everyone!













« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 04:02:22 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2019, 09:50:14 AM »
May 22

I've had urges but they are bearable.

Urges: 4/10
Relapses: 0

Since May 18 I had no relapse.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 03:16:10 PM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2019, 04:59:32 AM »
May 23

I dreamed only about porn before waking up to hard urges. Fantasies didn't want to leave my mind. My balls were like concrete.

Urges: 8/10
Relapses: 1

Trigger: I didn't do anything about the urges. I fooled myself that I could go past them with willpower. Therefore, I just stayed in front of the computer and let porn dominate my mind. I had things I could've done and I should've gotten up and do them. I ended up downloading a porn movie from torrent and, as I watched the download approach its finalization, I wanted to delete it but I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk myself out of it. I feel tired now. I consumed a part of my energy with this PMO session. I am craving another one but I will not binge and go on. The good thing is that I didn't indulge myself in a long edging session. It was a short PMO. It took a few minutes. 

Warning for myself: You can't do this with willpower alone!

« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 01:03:41 PM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2019, 05:49:35 PM »
Very true, willpower won't get us very far. For me, I really have to focus on taking care of myself emotionally and reacting in more healthy ways to triggers. It's not just about stopping PMO but about healing from mental and emotional habits that fuel addiction.

Keep it going: we're in this with you!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2019, 05:51:49 PM »
Very true, willpower won't get us very far. For me, I really have to focus on taking care of myself emotionally and reacting in more healthy ways to triggers. It's not just about stopping PMO but about healing from mental and emotional habits that fuel addiction.

Keep it going: we're in this with you!

Thanks, man. The thing is, I could've avoided it but I made the mistake to think I could handle it with willpower. It proves me I can't so I have to recalculate.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2019, 07:52:20 AM »
May 24

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

I woke up in the morning feeling bad. I have no urges and this is good because they tormented me one day ago. My mood is pretty bad, so different from yesterday. I feel low in energy with no motivation to do anything.

The good thing is that I didn't binge yesterday. I've moved from 5 relapses in a week to only 1. It's progress. It's a success that I could pass the relapse day without binging. Even though I didn't binge, the PMO session from yesterday seems to have reset me to my usual state after a relapse.

Every day without a relapse is a success.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 06:55:08 AM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2019, 06:30:11 PM »
That is progress! Way to keep at it!

Becoming more aware of my mood has been huge for me. I used to think that PMO was just my uncontrolled appetite for nudity and sex, but I've started to learn that it always starts with me feeling down in the dumps about something. I always face the worst urges when I'm feeling sad or frustrated about something, so I've started paying way more attention to how I'm feeling and trying to take better care of myself.

Keep on going, and just focus on getting through one more day!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2019, 04:15:34 AM »
BlueHeronFan, many thanks, bro!

Quote
I used to think that PMO was just my uncontrolled appetite for nudity and sex

You know, I used to think the same. I thought that I felt horny because of high libido but it was, in fact, withdrawal - urges because of porn addiction. Realizing this has helped me scratch that idea that I was a horny motherfucker, always thinking about sex. I realized I was just a normal guy but porn made me like this. There was nothing wrong with me.

Quote
but I've started to learn that it always starts with me feeling down in the dumps about something. I always face the worst urges when I'm feeling sad or frustrated about something, so I've started paying way more attention to how I'm feeling and trying to take better care of myself.

Yes, I know how this works. We might end up using PMO as self-medication. It's also good to realize this too and see that we actually should live our life like normal human beings, not running away using addictions. Funnily though, yesterday I had a shit mood but no urges  :D Maybe because of the relapse two days ago?

Quote
Keep on going, and just focus on getting through one more day!

That's the idea. Every day without a relapse is a success. I used to PMO 5-6 times in a week and now I did it only once. This is progress. I'm trying to reduce the number of relapses to the minimum possible for this month. I mean, a month between May 18 and June 18, because I started on May 18. I know how many PMO sessions I used to have in a month, now I'm trying to reduce that as much as possible. Ideally is 0 but I am not perfect. Relapses might happen but the idea is not to indulge in them and let myself go and PMO 30 times.

Okay, man, keep going too!




Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2019, 03:13:51 PM »
May 25

Urges: 7/10
Relapses: 2

I had a better mood than yesterday but the urges returned and they were annoying. It's ironic how a bad mood brought no urges but a better mood did. I handled it well during the day but I relapsed because of alcohol.

« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 06:55:33 AM by Lero »

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2019, 08:57:13 AM »
May 26

Urges: 3/10
Relapses: 8

The follow up of the drinking session from yesterday left me with anxiety.

I can't fucking stop PMO-ing. I'm out of control.

Edit: What a fucking binge! I can't believe it. But I know the problem. I have to stay away from alcohol. I've relapsed many times because of it. From tomorrow, no drinking. Alcohol made me PMO 10 times in only 2 fucking days! No more alcohol, that's it. And I have to learn how to deal with the urges. That's how I relapsed last time. Never to repeat the same mistakes again.

« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 01:04:44 PM by Lero »

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2019, 06:09:17 PM »
That's it, just keep learning about how the pieces fit together. I can't count the number of things that I thought were harmless because they weren't PMO but that were actually doing a lot of harm by contributing to my PMO problem. Recognizing the things that lead you to PMO is a huge step in the right direction

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2019, 04:06:12 AM »
That's it, just keep learning about how the pieces fit together. I can't count the number of things that I thought were harmless because they weren't PMO but that were actually doing a lot of harm by contributing to my PMO problem. Recognizing the things that lead you to PMO is a huge step in the right direction

That's what I try to do: Recognize what makes me relapse and avoid it in the future.

RebooterOne

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2019, 04:20:34 AM »
I have the same problem. I cannot drink alcohol not because I have problem with it but because it makes me relapse on PMO.

Try to stay away from alcohol but don't avoid socialising, meeting with friends or going to parties. You may stand out if everybody around is drinking and you are not but it isn't a bad thing.
in your altered state of mind in vain you're chasing light

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2019, 04:34:14 AM »
I have the same problem. I cannot drink alcohol not because I have problem with it but because it makes me relapse on PMO.

Try to stay away from alcohol but don't avoid socialising, meeting with friends or going to parties. You may stand out if everybody around is drinking and you are not but it isn't a bad thing.

That's right, I can't drink at least for a while. It just sent me to a crazy binge yesterday, PMO-ing 8 fucking times like when I was 15! If it doesn't help me, I get rid of it because my recovery is the most important right now.

Yes, socializing includes alcohol a lot of times but there are other things to do than drinking with your friends. You could go to tennis, bowling, whatever. That's what I do. I tell him: "Nah, man, let's go play pool," when he says: "Let's go for a beer." You see, alcohol raises my anxiety and I PMO because of it. Also, when I am drunk and I have that state of "I don't give a fuck", I PMO too.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2019, 05:01:18 AM »
May 27

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

Low energy. My anxiety is also elevated. Both drinking and the PMO binge have contributed to this.

This time it's clear: Drinking two days in a row was the problem. I made the decision to stay away from alcohol.

« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 06:52:49 AM by Lero »

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #15 on: May 28, 2019, 04:51:55 AM »
May 28

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

I feel better than yesterday.

Thinking about quitting P is thinking about P. Thinking about urges is thinking about P. I'll try to take all those out of my mind and occupy it with what I have to do today.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2019, 06:22:04 PM »
May 28

Urges: 1/10
Relapses: 0

I feel better than yesterday.

Thinking about quitting P is thinking about P. Thinking about urges is thinking about P. I'll try to take all those out of my mind and occupy it with what I have to do today.

Glad you're feeling better. And you're exactly right, focusing too much on quitting is still focusing on P. I've always done better when my schedule and mind are full of other good things. Since this isn't about just quitting but also about healing more generally, it's important to focus on building a quality life and not just willpowering through no more PMO.


Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2019, 05:30:45 AM »
Glad you're feeling better. And you're exactly right, focusing too much on quitting is still focusing on P. I've always done better when my schedule and mind are full of other good things. Since this isn't about just quitting but also about healing more generally, it's important to focus on building a quality life and not just willpowering through no more PMO.

Thanks, man.

Yes, there are things that I haven't been doing out of procrastination because of lack of mood and energy brought by a lot of PMO. I'm trying to get more days without PMO because this will give me more energy and mood to do more things.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2019, 05:34:42 AM »
May 29

Urges: 3/10
Relapses: 0

A little more urges than yesterday but nothing annoying. I feel all right too. My state of mind is fine. After 11 days I have 11 relapses  :D Ha! I'm trying to keep the number of relapses under 20 for a month. 1/3 of this month (May 18 - June 18) is gone.


Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2019, 09:04:46 AM »
May 30

Urges: 4/10
Relapses: 4

I've fucking said I would stay away from drinking! I've repeated the same mistake! This month, the only days when I PMO-ed more than once have been the days when I drank! Fuck! I let myself be taken by the wave. I really need to cut this out of my life. What's curious is that I didn't have big urges during those days but it's like alcohol brings an urge type of its own. It raises my anxiety and it destabilizes my mood. 

« Last Edit: May 30, 2019, 12:32:07 PM by Lero »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #20 on: May 30, 2019, 06:08:10 PM »
Sorry to hear about it, but that's a great thing to be aware of. It's not just about quitting PMO but about healing an addiction. I think we'll only really improve when we start addressing the the real reasons for our addictions.

Keep peeling back the layers and taking your life back. Relapse or not, everything you learn is progress!

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2019, 08:20:20 PM »
So its obvious that alcohol is the trigger for fapping. Alcohol is great, but as it lowers inhibtions and common sense, its deadly when it comes to abstaining from PMO. Just remember, youre only a few drinks away from a PMO fap-for-all meltdown!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #22 on: May 31, 2019, 03:48:31 AM »
Sorry to hear about it, but that's a great thing to be aware of. It's not just about quitting PMO but about healing an addiction. I think we'll only really improve when we start addressing the the real reasons for our addictions.

Keep peeling back the layers and taking your life back. Relapse or not, everything you learn is progress!

Thanks, man. Thanks for your constant support.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2019, 03:50:20 AM by Lero »

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #23 on: May 31, 2019, 03:49:54 AM »
So its obvious that alcohol is the trigger for fapping. Alcohol is great, but as it lowers inhibtions and common sense, its deadly when it comes to abstaining from PMO. Just remember, youre only a few drinks away from a PMO fap-for-all meltdown!

It's clear that alcohol has been the most detrimental. Recently, I only binged because of it, while being drunk but also when I sobered up and had anxiety, because alcohol increases my anxiety. I gotta stop sabotaging myself with this.

Lero

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Re: Hang in there. Withdrawal doesn't last forever.
« Reply #24 on: May 31, 2019, 04:12:12 AM »
May 31

Urges: 0/10
Relapses: 0

The binge from yesterday left me drained but it's good. I have absolutely no urges and no mood to PMO which is great for now.