Author Topic: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain  (Read 2318 times)

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #50 on: June 14, 2019, 07:28:00 AM »
Man.. filled with shame now and riddled with questions. I know I did not relapse, but just the thought that something took over me, 'I got tricked' feeling.. annoys me, I just have so many questions.. why?..

Why could I see myself pressing, the very thing I was not suppose to do.. to stimulate myself 'a bit'..
Why did I click onto the next video, and the next?.. to stimulate myself with this 'just a tiny bit more'

I think the term is 'edging'.. clicking a bit, then a bit more,, until it eventually would escalate into a full blown release.
thankfully I didn't go there but I still feel the shame of going astray (or what it's called - english isnt my primary language)

Why was I aware of my actions the whole time,, but didn't stop it earlier?.. in total wasted 15min of clicking on 'innocent' stuff.. and when I ended up on that P vid and viewed a full 1min vid,, then it hit me..  "get yourself together fool!". 

For now, I mostly, just have questions..  what led to this?..
- procrastination (i was suppose to do something completly else today,, but ended up surfing).
- alone-time (not having a structured life, job, I manage my own time.. and no social life).

These are the main reasons... me not staying busy with anything. I had actually decided to update my CV so I could apply for jobs next week .. somehow I procrastinated that I led myself into the arms of the devil. Kinda feel sad about that.
But not gonna stay and have a pity party for myself. Gonna get up, take a shower and get out the door..

will bring my laptop and go to a coffe place and write that damn CV ffs!! I expect of myself to post an update tonight with my CV being done. I cant go on not having a social life, being totally isolated and not going out etc.. this is no way to live.
Maybe it was a sign.. a sign so I could do exactly that - take action and get my ass up instead of procrastinating.
.. Get busy with life!     


btw - thing is I just remembered,, when I had a job. I would still fall into this (mostly when I was bored).. I would go to the toilet to get a release and go back "working"... so the issue with P is not having a job..  It can be boredom, stress, loneliness..

but I will still apply for jobs, to get the social aspect in my life. I need that for my life as things are now. 

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #51 on: June 15, 2019, 05:36:20 AM »
Got through yesterday and fought the urges. My mind was trying to trick me..  seeking dopamine spikes so I could 'release'.
Have some hard time staying consistent with the gym and other things.. so I am going to cook counter down to to basics again and start from there. Will take up gym up again when I have my other things sorted out. For now, just coasting along more vigilant towards urges and peeking. When I feel it happen, I will replace it with meditation instead.

Pmo-free .   April 15 .   Day 55
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 15 .   Day 12
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 15 .   Day 12
30x Morning pushups .   April 15 .   Day 12

I am getting close to day 60!.. makes me proud I've comes this far.. and I withstood the strongest test up to now (day 54) I learned a lot from that day.
Going strong - onwards and upwards

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #52 on: June 16, 2019, 02:39:06 PM »
All well, put on some gangster rap and cleaned up entire place and fixing up CV. Productive day

Pmo-free .   April 16 .   Day 56
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 16 .   Day 13
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 16 .   Day 13
30x Morning pushups .   April 16 .   Day 13

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #53 on: June 20, 2019, 11:19:21 AM »
Alright, I hit day 60...  meh,, not feeling anything. Guess I'm just having an off-day, low energy, no motivation, no desire for anything etc....  still working on my CV.. but not even sure if I want a job or not,, well..  so confused about anything.. but my conclusion is I have nothing to lose - just go to job-interviews and I'll get a better feeling from there. I am not obliged to take the job, there are no one pressuring me - I am to decide. And that takes some pressure and uncertainty of my shoulders. 

For the pmo journey, I can definetly feel a lot of hornyness.. it's usually like this at summertime. I'd really like to spend some time with a female.
I think trying tinder again would be ok I guess..  and some dating sites. dunno.. ... dont know what I want, this is my overall issue. I guess adhd does that, sigh.

have been peeking some YT videos,.. just to get horny ,then just to shut it down...  I think I want to "reward" myself some way,, like my mind is saying "hey it is good to be horny.. just watch some, then shut it down"... happened a couple of times - and this is exactly what I want to eradicate from my life.. the fake, the isolated, the lonely, the disappointing, the tricks ... all which are not real. just an artificial stimulation, that works me up and I shut it down, just to realise I spent my time on nothing. That which I was idolising was not there beside me. No one beside me to love me.. No one to adore me. ... I miss that. Been so focused on "fixing" my life, and focused on everything thas was wrong in my life, so I made got more of the negatives. Time to do some changes, I owe that to myself, to my son and family.. they want to see me happy as well.. not coocked up in a room all alone trying to 'make it' whilst being all isolated.

What am I doing to overcome these issues?.. well.. a job is a start to get social. that would get me into some routine again. I'll see what I can do about that..

for pmo.. not feeling anything.. just careless... I guess that is a part of it, being apathetic and not feeling it's going anywhere at times. I acknowledge that is part of the game.. trucking on...   I want to stop peeking completely, I think the couple of times I did it was not healthy,, it was not P,, but still.. it's the same act of searching, looking for something.. that dopamine-grip that takes over until you realise and wake up. 

I cannot put blame on any technologys like 'it's because youtube, or instagram etc'.. no, it is me. It is that sudden impulse in my body that just says "have a look at some *part of a womans body*" and makes my fingers type that shit in youtube or smth... its that automatic impulse that takes over. It is THAT which I need to observe, acknowledge and explain it with kind words "no my friend.. this is fake. let's not go there.. it has never, ever, given you what you wanted".

So, for the next 10 days I will try this tactic and see if I get better at managing my impulsive behaviour and control myself. 
besides that everything with pmo-free is going really good. something weird happened the other day,, I was taking a piss and out came some of my man-juice as I was pissing - ehh,, that was weird.. I pressed it out down the toilet.. My body must have been in excess haha.. normally I use to O and since I havent done that in 60 days, my body reacted like that.   

Still going hardmode and not touching etc. decided I will save it up for the next girl I am with. I am probably going to explode in my pants as I undress her.. its ok, I wont even explain or get embarrased.. I know there is so much in excess that I would be able to hit it off multiple times when I get a girl in my hands..  Need to stop talking about it though,, wont happen anything sitting here. So yea',, will take up some tinder and dating stuff again. They dont get me aroused in that aspect of wanting to peek/edge etc.. these sites really do bore me.. and my main focus is to get her out.. So I find can reason to install such apps.

So the next 10 days goal :

- Get my damn CV done completely   (next is to send to jobs)
- Snap some photos and get my tinder and some dating apps up again

Attending my sons birthday this weekend, so will probably be busy with that tough. anyways, have a great summer everyone.
Next stop day  70




Pmo-free .   April 20 .   Day 60

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #54 on: June 24, 2019, 07:55:45 AM »
Day 64 hardmode - no P, no O, no M.
I am getting more confident that this time, I can manage this addiction for good!.
meaning, no more wasting time on fake stuff.

Held my sons 12th birthday with family this weekend. It was a great time, and proud of seeing my son so happy and thriving. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him.. actually everythingn I do is for him. I promise myself that P shit needs to go,, I want to lead by example and teach him from my experience. He is getting that age where girls are becoming an interest.. so at some point, I'll slowly educate him around this subject - when time is due. I will learn him the importance of love, being with people, showing affection and all that is related.. all from getting heartbroken, crying, feeling up, down, sex, and falling in love and the crazy stuff people do for love. I was never taught these things, affection and love was never talked about.. so I held in my feelings and felt it with P and online dating (sex).. but never what love was. 

I don't blame my parents, I don't blame anyone. All I can do is pass on my experience so my (and parents) lack of love wont continue. To this day I still long for love, connection and affection.. but I am doing little to get it because I am so tangled in being 'successful',, as if having a lot of money or fame is the solution to finding love. Won't get too much into that part as I am doing my best to overcome this.

I hope that this journey eventually will open up for more ; connection, people, love around me.
am I there yet?,, absolutely not - but I have hope, and that is enough. for now, I feel worthy of receiving love, I feel worthy of giving love.

This is what this journey is about for me. Discipline ( self respect and self love), kindness and compassion towards people.
I believe eventually the body and mind will open up more towards being affectionate when eliminating the empty and endless soul-destructing hole of P.

One day a time baby.. one day a time. We got this! =))  and reminding myself that = There is no finish-line..  no "when I hit day 365, then I'm FREE" ..
No, this is a life-long journey of learning how to love one self and trusting one self throughout the hardship of this addiction.. 



One thing that comes to mind is the battle of loneliness.. I don't want to 'end up lonely',, but this is where I am in my life for now. This is where I have been when ever gone to P.

How can I get the opposite then?.. I felt loved when I had my ex..  when I felt loved. So is women a solution to my problem?.. not sure,, there must be some inner workings that needs to be solved first I think. Question is, how can I not feel lonely?  being part of a hierarchy? a team?.. Feel like the questions I am asking myself when looking for jobs fx, are mostly around connection with like-minded people.. doing cool shit together and feel accomplished. This is not where I am today... and for that, I feel kinda sad and lonely... doing my best to get out of this situation.

I trust in myself and will gradually get myself out of this hole. .. and it helps that I now feel proud, accomplished with being disciplined enough to stick out almost 70 days of pmo-free..  It gives me that 1% extra motivation.. and this is what I need for now.

OHH.. and just remembered,, there was no social anxiety going to the birthday party!.. like, NONE!.. what?!.. normally I tend to sweat on my forehead and get super anxious about "them seeing me sweat" if I get into conversations with people being aroundn me.. then I try to avoid / eject the convo/situation - but none of that.. I was great at making conversations and holding it .. and if any subject I didn't feel like talking about, I manoeuvred around it without getting nervous. That is actually very good, as there were a lot of people around me listening in on the conversations I had. Huge improvement there!!..


Pmo-free .   April 24 .   Day 64
« Last Edit: June 24, 2019, 08:05:39 AM by zazen »

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #55 on: June 27, 2019, 10:16:45 AM »
Man! that last post is seriously inspiring stuff. I think it's critical to keep an eye on the big picture and remember the deeper "why?" motivating the reboot. It's a powerful thing to know you can give your son a good example and take action to be that for him.

Sending you hope and encouragement. Thanks for motivating me today.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #56 on: June 30, 2019, 03:31:51 PM »
hey, thanks man! glad some of my stuff can inspire))..

So, day 70..  I am almost finish with my CV stuff and having someone to have a look at it next week. Ready to send out applications for jobs after that.. will be a very challenging period, as I have been living off savings for the past 5 years or so (had quite saved up, so all good).. getting a job is more that I feel lonely, well also for the money etc... but more to just socialize as I use to.. be around people and not staying home all day. It will be challenging. I will feel social anxiety. I will sweat... but fuck it!.. Better to face fears or whatever they are and just fucking do the damn thing.. tired of this lonely shit,, no wonder I resolved to p. Lets see where it takes me.

If anyone here has experience in reading CV's and applications for IT-Jobs, I would be glad to send it to you for some feedback. Would mean a lot.

I had one day last week where I fell into a suggestion "just watch it a bit more".. again some harmless pics, but I observed the action,, that obsessive search for more..  It is the second time i've done that now and it is really hard getting away when you put yourself in that situation. So my battle is to say NO when the suggestions of peeking pops up all the sudden. I didn't edge (do anything sexual), touch or nothing .. it's just that grip that gets you, and wastes your time.. trying to lure you into more empty dopamine spikes for the brain. I will be more vigilant and stop it.   I do not qualify these two times as failing/reboot .. no, a reboot for me would be full-out PMO after endless watching. Thankfully I've held back from that shit. It was close, but I was strong enough to stop my behaviors.

It is an ongoing battle... I definitely feel insanely horny, and it shows.. well,, on a dating site i've been on some time. I can feel it in the way I write to the women.. I do it with tact, and they really like it.  Getting a date etc would be fucking awesome tbh.. not sure if im there yet, but i cant hide from the world forever..  Let's see where it takes me as well. I am sure I wouldn't be able to hold my hands for myself when I get on a date.. pretty confident going out  - when that day comes hah..   but yeah'.. im saving all that man juice up for the next girl. That thought inspires me NOT to pmo at all,, so I can feel the real thing fully and entirely.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

Gotta take meditation up again. and gym..  starting from tomorrow again. I will do my best to stay consistent with it. but it seems I need a stronger why......  I always 'fall off the wagon' some how. suddenly I stop gym ,, and meditation as well. baah..
im all over the place now. wrapping it up.


so.. what are my goals for next up day 80? : 
: Apply for 1 job.
: Meditate once a day
: Go to gym once a day

Will do my best.


Day 70

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #57 on: July 01, 2019, 08:45:18 AM »
Staying away from PMO/orgasms gives you that extra drive, that extra motivation to get some dates. I'm pretty confident that you'll go on a promising date sooner or later. It definitely worked for me.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

This is quite common, I know these thoughts too well. I had them a lot during my early twenties when I delved a bit into pick up "literature". My thoughts were always, I need to have status X, body Y or character trait Z to attract the girls I like. But being a bit older and wiser now, I think this is all bullshit. In the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book, the author uses a term I don't remember correctly but it was something like "male anxiety" or so. A lot of products like the snake oil PUA want to sell you, or men's health "buy this and that fitness programm and get the biggest six-pack the world has ever seen in less than 4 weeks" cater to this anxiety. We always think we have to achieve certain things in order to be loveable. But I think we are already loveable enough to date attractive and benign women. Authenticity is key, I think. Why put on a facade in order to attract someone you aren't compatible with in the first place? That is not sustainable.

I want to stress though that I think it is healthy and advisable to work on yourself without overdoing or obsessing over it. Working out, striving for a good job, learning new skills, keeping old abilities sharp, reading and meditating is all great but not in order to "get the girl". I bet, you know these type of guys... "I'mma work out like a mad man to get a six-pack for the girl I desire". Then, they buy heaps of supplements and work out like crazy for 2-4 weeks before stopping it altogether. That's why I hate january when it comes to working out because the gym is full of people who want "the perfect beach body" for summer. Luckily, they all disappear after a month or two. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating people who want to achieve or change something but the ones I'm talking about are doing it for the wrong reasons (in my humble opinion) and therefore the majority of them won't have any success! And, of course, I'm not implying that you are one of these guys ;). Just digressing a little bit...  ;D

Take care and congrats on 70 clean days!
ten months clean and counting...

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #58 on: July 04, 2019, 05:55:35 PM »
Thanks Pete, yea I am sure it as well!
Yea I really liked that book as well. I’ve always been authentic when I actually go beyond my thought. It’s always the thoughts before taking action that keeps me back.
But when I start it up again, I am sure it will all come back to me,, and the boat will be rocking once again.

haha yea I know what you mean about the january-new-me syndrome,, never lasts .. My approach has always been 1% better a day - to improve myself. I try to use that approach to many parts in life and have patience with the process. It doesnt always go after the plan, but usually it does=).  Fortunately I have had many positive past experiences with women, dating, sex, etc.. so it's just getting things back up slowly again.  Stable gym, health and getting a job is my main objective for now - when these routines are in,, ill be back in shabba-ranks mode once again ).

I have made a tinder account recently, as I said i would do. Just to be a bit active in case something should pop up.. but not spending too much time on it. and I'm really picky so swiping left 95% is not getting me far there.. but its ok for now. might bump things up later.



So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

— but.. i never gave in. Today was especially hard as I had to resist many times,, I told the voice “NO” many times …all it had to do was to make my finger-tips type two words, and the cycle would start from there. I didnt do nothing..   even if my body is on the tip to explode.. there were times I wanted to M to nothing, just to get some testostoron out of my system.. but I didnt do anything. I even tried to make it OK by planning it in. like “I will M in 2 hours to nothing, just my thoughts etc’. .. but end up not doing it.   

I know all of this comes from boredom, my brain is bored,, then the dopamine monster kicks in the door and tries to lure me. I can totally understand why now..  Of coarse he wants to see some action, he sits and does nothing all day,, and when he does he is in front of a computer...  hmm... 


anyways, my conclusions is its better to let my juice be in there, so I have it when I see someone I like.  I think that is my why, that I don't want to let my stuff out for “nothing”..
 it’s like that reasoning is strong enough to fight that inner voice.  I will keep doing that.


I know what to do,... I am slowly doing the things needed to get my stuff back. get a daily routine etc. it just takes time.  Fixed my bike with a friend these last days, with the objective to get back on track with gym and decided towards healthier food habit (no sugary or carbs). all is progressing slowly.



not sure if any of this makes sense,, i am super tired right now and going everywhere (as usual).
I just know that today was challenging, but I fought back and I came out alive. I am proud of that.

am grateful for making it this far. I am thankful for the support of people here, really.

 15 days to go and it will be 90 days… i have something to look forward to,, but i’ll always be vigilant no matter the count.



Pmo-free .   July 5 .   Day 75



Lero

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #59 on: July 05, 2019, 08:23:48 AM »
Quote
So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

Oh, man! This sounds too familiar. I had to check out the username to make sure it wasn't me. But I guess all of us actually go through this. It's that "voice" that has made me relapse all the time. It's the fight with that spoiled kid that got used to getting "junk food" everyday and now he doesn't get any and throws tantrums. "Just a little bit because the urges will bring you a great arousal and it will feel fucking good!" has gone through my head too many times to count. "You will quit after 1 minute because you can!" It's another big lie because I always went all the way. Actually, when I start "edging" like that, it destabilizes me and I have a harder time ending the day well than when I have hard urges but I do nothing. I don't know if you can relate to this. It's like, I start "edging" but I have like a "tank of arousal" and that drains after a while. Now I don't have urges anymore so I should just stop, right? For some reason I just can't. It destabilizes me like crazy, it makes me crave more, it makes me mad that there isn't more (arousal), it makes me desperate for more. This being said, I'm better without doing anything at all, no peeking, no "1 minute edging", no "a little bit".

Anyway, you make complete sense. Congratulations on 75 days, I hope I will get there one day because I've never done this and I wonder what's like. Day 4 for me.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #60 on: July 11, 2019, 09:12:54 AM »
Hey Lero,
Good job on day 4 - keep it up man! Yea.. the 'not peeking' and stopping one self before it takes over is important. It's not easy, but get better at it with time. Staying vigilant and observant of thoughts is key.. and also talking back to it when suggestions arise has been very helpful in my case. I am sure you will find you'r way as well!

Just here to do a follow-up and keep my journaling in check. Last couple of days have been somewhat 'easy'.. no cravings or anything. Started up gym again and slowly working my way up again.
Been having thoughts of thankfulness a lot recently.. "thankful for not been watching p for so long time"...  it's like my brain is starting to accept my new normal. That this is new normal, a life without P.
Kind of crazy to think about, when been so addicted to it 3months ago.. (and last 30 years) ..  .

and just thinking about that now, makes me sad.. 30 fucking years, destroyed every damn relationship because I compared them to P-stars.. and ruined my relationship to childs mother because I wanted her to be more sexy... trying to change her into a damn fictional p-character in my head..  fuck that shit.. never again. I've learned, and my healing is in progress... and from now on I will treat women better and stop judging and comparing them to paid actors on a tft monitor.

I feel grateful a lot.. I am so thankful i've reached to this point. I really look forward to the 20th, that will be my 90th day.  Setting small goals have been crucial getting here. Looking forward to a 7-day streak, and then a 10-day, 14-day etc.. Just putting small steps ahead and looking forward to the next goal. This is how I have managed getting here + getting a lot of help from all the replies here.

Take care all


Pmo-free   .      July 11   .      Day 81
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 09:16:20 AM by zazen »

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #61 on: July 11, 2019, 01:06:38 PM »
Great job, mate!

I had the exact same aha moment a few weeks ago. I was waking up from sleep on the weekends and it dawned me that P is not a part of my life anymore and that I hadn't consumed in months. It's a slow and ongoing process and there is no finish line it seems like. But you get used to the path you're walking, so that's good.

Keep on going!
ten months clean and counting...

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #62 on: July 14, 2019, 01:33:02 AM »
I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!

Lero

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #63 on: July 14, 2019, 05:05:01 AM »
I second that about not "peeking." It's like an alcoholic thinking one sip is okay. My addiction doesn't want to peak, my addiction wants to curl up with the laptop and waste the day!

Congratulations on your upcoming 90 days. The 20th is a special day for me too: 5 years sober from alcohol. I can honestly say quitting P is harder though. I'm inspired by your grit and dedication.

Keep up the good work!

Although it's not the end of the world. It's not like we can't live our lives around that. If we can't drink, we shouldn't drink. And peeking at P is definitely forbidden. I mean, alcohol is not harmful in small quantities but there is no such thing about P. P is like cyanide. Would you swallow "a little bit" everyday? Congratulations on 5 years without drinking. This is outstanding. And you can live your life without it. It doesn't make you a freak.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #64 on: August 04, 2019, 06:30:42 PM »
thanks everyone for replying. Hope you've all had some good weeks.

3 months!.. I am 106 days in, all hard mode. 
There have been a couple of times where I was in the shower and really horny.. masturbated just to edge a bit, and as soon as the pre-cum came I stopped it.
I stop it instantly when I feel too aroused,, because I project ahead, that I'll feel bad afterwards.. so I stop it all there and then. Also that I want to keep it in, so my ejaculation will be with a girl etc. it's been 3-4 times at max and I never came, So I will take that as continued hard-mode. Pattern of when I get really horny is mostly after I've matched with a special tinder girl and thought about what I'll do with them etc.  I get a ton of matches, but dont really follow up for dates etc,, but some of them, I can get really turned on by, the thought of when/if I'd meet them.. what i'll do etc...   that leads me to getting horny. 

no porn usage or anything like that, so really glad about that!.. Still occasionally get these micro-suggestions,, they come in a fraction of a second.. but I've gotten so good at catching/observing them that I do not follow up on the suggested action. Really happy about that as well! that itself is an amazing thing for changing old patterns. I've found the pattern to be mostly when tired/alone... so when the suggestions come I talk to myself "dude, you tired.. get off the pc, or you know where you'll end up doing.. fuck that"..
or "hey,, remember the past.. of all that shit youve watched.. did it get you any real life pu*ssy,, no.. then quit wasting time on it.. dont go there"....     self talk like that helps me not taking the next suggested step.

Had some aestethic surgery this week (rhinoplasty), so just taking it slow and steady chilling at home. it was something i'd wanted for many years and I am so thankful everything went well .. and that I finally went through with it. I look forward to have a big ass smile on my face without thinking about my nose. Not that I've ever had anyone tell me something, or issues getting women or nothing like that..  its just something I wanted to do. So with that, starts a new chapter =) 

oh yea forgot I was hitting on some hot girl I saw on the street before the surgery.. man, my testostoron is getting higher and higher, and my gym isn't even regular yet.. I can just imagine when I get fit again + hardmode for +3,4m + I dont have this psychological issue with my nose .. then Ill be going beast-mode haha...   will start hitting the gym in two weeks, and get fired back up.

so, I've done the surgery. Now next step is getting a job. combine that in with gym, hit on girls occasionally on the way to work or so (will eventually make a daily schedule) and all will be well. Just getting back on my feet and making my life steady and stable with confidence. Even considering adding in some hobbys at some point too.. but not martial arts this time,, something social and fun..  I've been mtb'ing on trails with my ebike lately with a friend and that is crazy fun... but will think of something where there are women as well. We will see in time.

I was really thinking of taking a trip to moscow in a month or so. Always wanted to go, and have women lined up wanting to meet up.. getting their whatsapp via tinder etc.  I am not sure if that is what I want,, (the women part) but it could be fun just going to see the city and get back home. Will see how everything goes with job etc. Dont feel good about keep postponing job search etc.


anyways, all is well and continuing the ongoing battle. The battle seems less violent, its fading a bit down and staying in the background - but I ain't lowering my shield. Always vigilant!


goal : going for 120 days. That is 4 months :O... I'll be home these next two weeks recovering etc. so that will be an interesting time. But I got this!!
 

Pmo-free   .      August 05   .      Day 106

Lero

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #65 on: August 05, 2019, 04:13:37 AM »
Outstanding fucking progress, man! An inspiration for all of us.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #66 on: August 20, 2019, 06:36:52 PM »
+120 days.. I did it :) ..

also started gym on a daily basis again and happy about that.
I think it is still hard with all that stimulation from basically everywhere.. cant open a news-site without something a woman is portrayed in a sexual context.
some days ago it lead me into looking up an actress, which led to being stimulated and curios about her..  and I ended up "just quickly checking" about her. googling a bit etc.

after 5min of googling I realised I got caught in the grip and ended up in a pron site to check if she had any videos... then it hit me   "holy shit wth am I here for?!" and got out of it. No harm done.. but I got aroused during those minuttes I have to admit.   But again,, no harm done because days after, I got the suggestive thoughts which kept saying 'hey go there again',, 'arouse yourself just a bit, you are allowed'.. etc...     but I quickly called it out for what is was : CHASER EFFECT!... when I said those words, it it's like that voice, that suggestion got found out.. and it quickly vanished. Not sure how to explain it.  anyways.. I did not follow any of the following chaser effects because I quickly observe the feeling and called it out. It lost it's power each and every time by doing that.

Now.. the fact is, I did act on my impulses.. I remember been doing that once or twice during these months.. basically same loop - I see something usually after 1 month / boredom etc (you know the drill)..  and just have to check a bit.. I watch a bit, get aroused,, end up somewhere where I quickly realize to gtfo and I stop everything and eject asap.

I am aware of this pattern. I realize there is still inner work to be done. I have to stay vigilant always.... there is no need to reset counter or anything,, I didn't do nothing, just got caught in the rabbit hole and got abit aroused, realized it and ejected. no biggy... but, yea,, kinda half-biggy (lol).. like, that wasn't suppose to happen. It seems like I get into this small routine once a month or so,, it's like my body wants to remind me / take me back to what I use to do. But my inner conciuos wakes up quickly and doesn't let it.    Something is working right in there :) that is a good thing.
Will see if I can do something else when I get aroused.. I'm sure similar pattern will arise next month or so again.

With that said, I am still on the path. been a bit ups and downs, haven't been perfect.  meaning, I really want to ditch those impulsive 5min of getting caught by lust once a month.  (will get there)

Then there is tinder.. get a lot of matches, but I think my texting structure isn't up-to-date haha.. No need to blame it on the women for being bombarded constantly with new stimuly etc. I'd rather take it on me, and improve my texting style so I can get something out of it. So will look into tinder optimizing =).

besides that my plan is to follow up on day 150 which will be 5 months,, ouch..  that kinda hurt realizing that just now.  5 months gone by so quickly.. shit...
... fuck it. gonna be real about it.  5 months is ,, no it is much more than that.. I havent had any interactions with women. im sad about this.  My thing was not to be lonely,, and here I am, fucking lonely as fuck. My entire problem is this. tacklening loneliness. wth ..  I need to get out, I need to get a hobby... something needs to happen in my life..

sorry for the rant and just spilling out my thoughts as I write here. Gonna stop here and get some sleep. hopefully ill make plans from tomorrow how to better my situation.
I think most of the things im going through is because of social anxiety I have deep inside, which i've had since 15 or so..  I am turning 39 in 3 months. :I .   This is what I need to work on.

anyways.. taking a day a time. gym first and eat healthy are priorities right now.  all will be well.   

> and thank you Lero for the kind words. Im not feeling that inspirational right now,, but thank you for putting a smile on my face,, and making me realize that 123 days is actually pretty fucking awesome :D


a thing about counting and goals : I fully realize there is no "end".. there is no "My big goal is 2020" etc..   nop. I am basically tricking myself with these micro-goals and increasing the numbers and looking forward to hit that next number.. but the numbers are just symbolic, and the counting doesn't really matter..  as there is no finish line. there will never be.
There is just this.. doing the best we can today. and just follow that approach each day.  If there was a finish line, that would most likely be the day I'd mess it all up...  Not sure what they call that, but im sure there is a psychological term for it.  I pray to stay on this path and share my journey with all of you.


Pmo-free   .      August 21   .      Day 123
next up : 150 days! ... I can fucking do it"!! 5 months baby lets goo!


The Unhappy Fapper

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #67 on: August 21, 2019, 12:42:04 AM »
dude congrats on the milestone!! Am very jealous :)

Lero

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #68 on: August 21, 2019, 03:37:39 AM »
Goddamn, man! You're killing it! 4 months is amazing! This is an example of determination.

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #69 on: August 21, 2019, 07:09:23 AM »
Hey zazen,

I was wondering how you were doing as you stopped posting frequently as of late. But I'm delighted to hear that you are still clean. I think, your conclusion about the "google the actress" incident is totally right. Things like that are very likely to happen. Sometimes we act on these triggers and sometimes we are exposed to triggers whether we like it or not. It's important what we choose to do if we find ourselves in such a situation and you did the right thing. You snapped out of it and you didn't go back days later. Well done!

About the social anxiety: Are you anxious around your friends/family/people you know as well? For me, it's only around people I don't know really well. So, the initial hurdle might be high but once you managed to overcome it, it probably gets easer from there. Like attending a regular activity with a steady group of people. Of course, it's always difficult to be "the new one". But if you continue to go there (whatever it will be), you will find your place, you will find people you like, perhaps you will even become friends with them. You stay at a house of a friend, if I recall correctly? How bad of a guy can you be, if someone trusts you so much, that he let's you live at their place?!

Regarding the tinder: I never used tinder or any other dating apps so take the following advice with a grain of salt ;). What if you try to set up meetings with your matches as quickly as possible. Preferably in public, so they don't feel threatened or in danger by your suggestion in without appearing needy. You could do it seemingly casual like "Tomorrow, I have to do some chorse in that area but I have time at 4 and there is a really nice coffee house in street XYZ, so if you have time, let me know!". This way you could easily filter the girls who really want to meet or the ones who just want some validation from you. The ball is also in her court now and she has to act. Even if she refuses your proposal at first, maybe she comes back and wants to meet up at a later time. I'm telling you this because a female friend of mine found her bf that way with the only difference that she was the one proposing the meet up. She did it because she told me in her own words that she was tired of all the exhausting writing with guys. Again, neither am I a pickup artist nor do I have any experience with dating apps. And don't forget (online) dating is a number's game, so don'tget discouraged ;)

Take care!
ten months clean and counting...

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #70 on: September 20, 2019, 01:51:27 PM »
150 boom!.. did it!!... so, lots of things is happening lately.
I'll start it off by I met a really nice girl..  she, (calling her M) opened up a tinder account and we matched.. and it wasnt her thing after 3-4 days so she deleted it.. but got her # right before.

M is a scandinavian woman mixed with my ethnicity (middle eastern), actually same country as myself.. so we speak the same language. .. so I invited her out and went to her home city. We went to a restaurant and conversation was smooth, she was nice and we both had a mutual interest in each other. We went to a bar afterwards but just with non-alcoholic drinks.. chatted and said bye after that first date. all good.  We had a really fun time, and she was super sweet.. and fun mixing up english, scandinavian and our common language.  She is 5 years younger than me and has two kids... but she looked amazing and no one would have guessed she have had children.

so.. after the first date she wrote "I hope you will see me again".. , and that's where I truly felt .. wanted.  I really missed that, especially from a kind and heart warming person with genuine interest in me. I could tell from the beginning she was a feminine, warm and loving person and that is exactly what I wished for.  So our first date was sunday last week... and after we went apart, she wrote she wanted to come to my town and visit me.. I was kind of surprised about that, but yea,,, was totally up for it.

She came yesterday and I picked her up.. we had a walk in the city and went to a restaurant and had some pasta. Overall we just hit it off again and there was a common attraction. After we ate I took her closer to where I live, and showed her around.
We went to a cafe and got some drinks and went to my place afterwards.

Now here is the thing....  After some kissing and touching, she was like 'lets go to the bed'... now, this is our 2nd date.  And I already told myself that I would'nt want sex with her on the 2nd date... because last time I did that,  that "relationship" got toxic, I became uniterested in her etc. etc.... so I promised myself "No sex with her on 2nd date"....  ok.    we kissed etc and she asked to sleep there. I wanted her to be with me so of coarse I said yes. Then things just became more challening as she was way more attractive than I'd ever imagined.  Things became hot, but I kept pushing her away when I was too aroused... after an hour of playing like that, I had to tell her so she didnt think I was gay haha...

So told her my situation, that I liked her.. her personality and I believed things could be better for the long run - if we didnt do anything this night. ..   and I told her I havent done anything with myself for 6months,, nothing from down there has come out :)..
she was very impressed with my level of self-control and kept teasing me and telling me "are u gonna give up"... but I kept in there despite the hardship. Not sure why I told her I havent touched myself for 6months,, but I never mentioned porn or anything... just said it was something I had chosen, because I wanted to save it for sex with a special woman.. and I didnt want to fuck it up with her by doing the 'easy thing'...  All the girls I've slept with that quickly never turned out to be any good thing in my life.

long story short, we had an amazing night with affection, kissing each other and just holding each other through the night. maan i really missed that kind of lovin from ,,, not just a beautiful woman but just overall warm hearted and loving woman.
so yesterday was just amazing for me. I woke up early, went out and got us some breakfast.. and took her home afterwards.  We've been messaging today with how much we miss each other.

This is just what I really wanted. to be missed, needed and wanted from a person that has true intentions. She told me she was scared, as she liked me a lot.. but thing is I like her just as much and told her that.
I've been hurt too by other silly girls, but I am open to give love another chance.  and with a woman like her, loyal, beautiful, sweet, kind, funny and everything .. and serious in wanting to be with me.. and a person I feel I can trust.   yea I like that =) ... 
no games are being played, not from her side, nor mine..   cant even remember when i've had a relationship with genuine intentions.   makes me sad now, but bygones are bygones..  I guess am growing up more and more serious about a genuine loving relationship in my life.  .. so im really glad I've met her.  Going to meet her again in two weeks, as she had planned going to a week trip with her friends,, and then there are kids / work etc - but REALLY looking forward to see her... 

and the better thing about it, is I am getting more motivated to improve my living situation.. so starting to get help for looking for jobs etc. gotten a special mentor that helps with jobs. Might be looking into some leadership coarse, so I can manage people.
Not 100% on this yet, but gradual steps are going in the right direction here.

I want to mention that I have watched P two times. But no touching or anything,, just teasing for 5-10min and then close it down before things get too much. I did watch it before my first date with M - havent watched it since. 
This is my pattern for some time,, I think 20-30min max per month watching without doing anything. I am fully aware of this and I consider this a HUGE improvement compared to PMO'ing on a daily basis with huge negative affect on my life.
So not considering this a break of my stride at all - I'd have to ejaculate fully for that to consider a break of stride. 

-- BUT I should do something about this. Like, have more self control not even looking at all... but thing is my rationlization is I am a very passionate person with incredible sexual drive. "so it's ok just watch for 10min"... I know its wrong, as the 10min could become 20min and so on. I definetly dont want to go there at all.  I hope someone could chime in what to do here... my pattern is I watch it once or twice a month because I suddenly get horny / and just want to tease myself for abit.  I close it down instantly if I feel im just the slightest close to ejaculation or things take too much overhand (like spending +15min there)...  Then I start thinking "wtf am I doing here ffs!.."... then I close it down.  I wish I had some tactics to reduce / overcome this, as I feel like I've improved so much already... so why not just eradicate P completely from my life. like 100%...  I feel its possible.  maybe it will get easier when M is coming more into my life.



Pete, thank you for your reply the 21aug. sorry I didnt reply, but I deeply thought about everything you wrote. thank you for that. 
My anxiousness is only around new people and mostly in new crowds , or when I have to present something to several people. but one on one I have zero issues at all.  So im not sure if I really have social anxiety or if its just nerves of 'the new one'...  All I know is I speak less as other people in the crowd (a bit introverted) and my adhd thought jitters with thoughts like "why arent you speaking with the people" and I feel 'less' if I dont say much. Stuff like that....     
But I think a major shift is about to come soon in this aspect. I am projecting another "me" .. a person I see before me with much more confidence and much more to give.
I think 2020 will be my year of improvement on the social aspect. If I could fix this..    why am i starting to cry now://..  ...       yea.. if I could fix this.. could change my life completely. 

So my goal for 2020 is be to become more social, outgoing and happy.


Alright, I think im gonna keep it at that for now. 



Pmo-free   .      September 20   .      Day 153



next up 6 months!..  : 180 days!.. lets go!"



oh btw : I cant WAIT to have sex with M shiat!!  its gonna be the booooooooooooombbbb :D :D :D

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #71 on: September 21, 2019, 06:41:07 PM »


had some troubling times today...  after meeting M we've been writing more often how much we miss each other and feel a mutual love and connection. 
.... Thing is,, I was still swiping on tinder,, and all the sudden I was matching with model girls,, which appearance really triggers me. I kept swiping etc..

but today,, man.... I was feeling sick in my stomache. Like I was doing something wrong. My body was telling me to get rid of tinder..  There was a reason M came into my life,, for me to become serious, have a healthy relationship with 1 woman.. 
and not keep swiping, searching and wishing for a better one.  M is amazing, and I was feeling guilty of having some sort of addiction, some pull, to swiping on tinder. ... all the sudden I started crying, scared of my emotions to M, scared of commitment ,, scared of being loved. ... I know M is capable of loving me. That is scary... but this is what I truly wanted.   One woman which desires me and just me, for who I am now. I felt that with M.

So... after a warm shower and some crying over I felt addiction to tinder-women + losing the 'old me'.. that part that always was a player,, a seeker,, that guy that always wanted a better looking hottie to smash... losing that identity. But I wanted that. I wanted real love in my life. This is what all of this journey has been for me...  and now the opportunity knocked on my door with M,, and I decided - .. I chose to do the right thing. Unmatched all the girls i've been writing/flirting back and forth with,, and wrote just one girl I could see was special and explained her:

"hey ... wanted to let you know before I delete this... you look very (/compliments on ). I wanted to reply you as I can tell you seem like a good person. Been seeing a person lately and starting to like her, so decided to not play on several girls and put my focus on her. So I wish you the very best in finding a man that is kind and loyal to you. All the Best."..
She was really nice and responded "thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in love.. "...   

I didnt have to explain anything to her..  we just matched and the only thing she wrote was "thank you for the match:)) " ... and I responded like that. maybe a bit overdo haha,, but I felt like I had to explain just somebody.,, and not just delete tinder. I needed some approval or some acknowledgement or something from a attractive and cute woman.  Really glad she responded the way she did and not just shit like "ohhkeyy".  Well dont know why I had to tell her. I just did.. and after writing her.. I deleted tinder.
...deleted all other dating websites. 

I have no other women I am putting my focus on other than M..   Is it a risk, yes.... well I mean I could always open those things up again - but as things are now,, I really like M,, and I think she likes me even more,, so I have a good feeling with her. That I can trust her heart.  So for once, I am not going to look for something better while having one in my hand.  Decided to show my love to her and open up to her.. and hopefully I will receive love from her as well.. 

So, had to get tinder and stuff out.. as soon as I deleted all those things, I felt a stone drop from my chest,,.. my conscious cleared and didn't feel bad rest of the day. I feel happy and excited to start a relationship.  cant even think im writing this.. I've been single for like 10 years,, but in all of these years it's just been girls for fun.. sex and lust here and there.   This time it feels different.   
No one knows where this will lead, if we even like each other in 3-4 months time. But I'm willing to give it a shot and open my heart to M.


So all in all, I am now feeling I'm starting to receive what I was wishing for,, when started this journey.    True love.   
ok heh, I know it's only 2nd date etc.. but Im really good at detecting bs, intention and integrity with people - and I feel a deep connection with M in a very short time. So yea.. I do feel loved with her.  Lets see where it goes.
I might get scared, I might push her away.. I might lose interest and start chase for another model-like girl.. etc etc... I do not hope I go down that path. Im so tired of fake women (... I really like this one. She is all I want and wouldn't want to change anything about her. I like her just as she is.


just had to get this off my chest. It was a huge step for me to delete all of that attention from girls online. But I did it.  Time for a change.  I hope she wont break my heart. I am scared of that.



Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155
« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 10:18:38 PM by zazen »

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #72 on: September 21, 2019, 10:38:20 PM »
Been thinking deeply about this... from today and onwards to day 180. I decide not to watch a second of pron or anything that might trigger me.  I believe I am able to do this.
Want to break that reactive and impulsive compulsion I get 1-2 times per month, where I rationalize it with "will watch for 10min max just to get aroused"....... its enough.. tired of it. 

If I can go hard-mode (meaning no ejaculating) for 155 days I sure as #"¤ can break that stupid addiction of lemme just watching a liiil bit.
I really want to continue my healing and step it up a notch.. I desire to establish a healthy relationship with M. She motivates me to take this even more seriously and quit playing around with this shit.


so here is my next goal. : not watch any form of pron / or anything that can trigger me / arouse me from this very day until day 180.
I will follow up on this goal on day 180. It will be on the 17th of October. I've made a calender schedule to remind me of this.


disaster plan : What will I do IF i get aroused and feel the need to watch something to get aroused on (stimulate myself).
solution : ... tbh i dont know if there is any solution here,, but I will try with this for now; pray.  Just try to pray .. I am not religious, but if this or any higher power can distract me from my urges - then so be it.  im desperate. ill do anything from now on. no more playing around

I am tired of being lured by the grip of fake stimulation,, even if it is so little.. still, its like it lures me in once a while and I hate that. I've made such a big improvement compared to all my past failed reboot attempts.. I am sticking to it this time - but these small incidents of 'just a lil bit of peeking' annoys the "#¤ out of me. I want it out of my life completely .. stop coming back ffs. I know im stronger than this.    Hell,, If I could say no to having intercourse with M that night,, that is beast-mode self-control.... so surely I would have the self-control to stop peeking for good. Crossing fingers.


Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155
goal until day 180 > not one second of fake stimulation - nothing.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 10:46:04 PM by zazen »

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #73 on: September 22, 2019, 04:32:18 AM »

Read this from Pete Mcvries on another post :
 
Quote
I have two suggestions: Since you are dealing with a lot of adversity, maybe it would be helpful for you to add to your form of journaling a short passage where you either note something positive that happened to you that day or something that you did good that day. Or both ;). You are focussing on a lot of negative things like urges, negative emotions, negative cognitive effects and pain. While I think, these things are noteworthy, perhaps it would be helpful to shift your focus to more positive things. And even though there seema to be a lot of darkness in your life, I'm sure there are some rays of light.

Which I found was just an excellent advice given from Pete. Focusing on the positive more. I think, i would like to do that more as well. Have the feeling there is little structure to my journaling (not that there should be any) but if just I could have some fixed things that reminded me something positive to say that would be really good. So for me, i would like to share what I am thankful for. I believe gratitude can get a person very far and i would like to implement that more into my life.

so decided to add this to my journaling .:   "Today I am thankful for:"   then a short sentance about that.
Will start with that. nothing fancy.. just a reminder to write something positive and what im thankful for. 




Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155

Today I'm thankful for : I am thankful for this community, to read others story and what everyone go through, all the struggles and how people cope and find a way ... thankful for all the people that contribute as I learn so much on so many levels. Thankful for every person reading and helping me, helping others here and being helpful in their own way. so.. I really appreciate being here.  and a thank you to Pete Mcvries for being there from beginning, for your inspiration, kindness and helpful comments.

Lero

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #74 on: September 22, 2019, 05:10:48 AM »
That's a good idea, man. You're doing great. Almost 5 months without P this is wow!