Author Topic: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain  (Read 1922 times)

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2019, 06:15:17 PM »
                                                           Day 40 !
Boom!!.. did it.. no peeking, no pmo, no nothing what so ever in forty days.. milestone!

I am getting better at feeling the sensations in my body, when it wants to lure me towards peeking or smth like that. I instantly feel it, recognise it for what it is (lust for fake endorphins and stimulus) and kindly say "naah, we aint going there buddy". That's what has been working for me, so will optimise this process along the way. Thankful I can keep my emotions at bay, surely not easy but manageable. To be honest, I don't ever think its going to be easy.. the quick-fix solution will always be readily available and most likely the internet will become more flooded with enticing ways for quick-fix "solutions" for low state emotions. My focus will be on this ; Managing. This is all I can do, feeling the feelings inside and communicating with them.

Here is an example of self-talk / self-communication whenever a lustful feelings would arise;
"hey.. I see you are feeling like this right now. You are feeling lust because you stumbled into something you really like here. That is nice, but hey.. remember the past?.. how much you've spent time viewing all of this stuff?.. It didn't get you what you were watching at that moment did it?.. naah.. so why would it now?..  I do understand it makes you feel really good right now.. but please understand what you are watching right now, is not real. Kindly pull the eject button and lets go do something else. "

This form of guiding self-talk is working for me.
So, going for the five-o now.. the 50 :).   
....Can I do it.. hell yeah!


Positives this week : Slowly starting to creep out my layers of feelings of inability and sloth. Been working on a business-plan for an IT company, finished up business processes etc and mocked up everything for a website. Starting to reach out to designers to inquire for prices of a landing page and flyer. So slowly getting started on making a business for myself, instead of sitting home not doing jack.. That has really killed me the last many months, and finally getting myself out the pity party and making some changes. My biggest challenge will be the mindset of making money for my company,, as i've been institutionalised the last 20 years or so (working for large companies).. I got out of that some years ago, but never really made anything for myself. So having it a go at this.. I have the skills and confidence to provide IT services so I know i'll be a boss at it. It's 100x times better than sitting in a room and breathing the same recycled air and watching a screen for 15/h a day.. I cant do that shit anymore.. I need to get out, go meet people.. fix shit, make people happy.. and make money of it. Let's see where it goes... but taking the step now and leaping forward.
I got this!..


counter : may 31 / day 40

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2019, 10:13:34 AM »
ARGHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
Total brainfog.. no energy, zombie, lifeless.



I wish and hope that all of this eventually fixes my brainfog or whatever that is going on with my mind. I hate being so lazy and so purposeless, just straight up depressed and feel like life is going no where for me. Stay at home 24/7 because I have zero energy for anything.. I basically just sleep and daze off wasting time on stuff like YT. Still waiting for response from some people for making design for my homepage but everything is going so slowly. The issues I face are my incredible brain-fog.


feel like my brain has been taken out of my body. like everything is totally empty in there

sleep late, get up late and do nothing during the day

no feelings.. not even to visit my son.. and I feel like crap for not being there for him.



My brain is just on-sleep most of the time.. it's like nothing is working, and my motivation for doing anything is not there. Cant even go to the gym (used to be a gymrat and train very hard).. that is all gone.. Just feel totally lifeless. I've read of this 'flatline' thing, and maybe it's just that.... but god damn this is a horrible state to be in. Im just sleeping my life away and getting no where in life.

One day I want to do XYZ, then suddenly I change it all up and wanna do something completly else instead - and end up doing none of it.. imagine being a creative person that gets great ideas on a daily basis but have zero drive to follow up on it. I used to do all kinds of crazy stuff, but it's like all my motivation is gone.
I was mostly able to do amazing things when I had a stable income.. now, I have nothing.. and it's tearing me apart. So the idea for my business was to generate an income for myself,, so I can get back up and gain some confidence in myself. Cant continue living like this.. I dont have my own place, no income, no friend, no money, no nothing..  It was not like this before, I had everything.. until I got sick on my previous job. Went 4-5 years since then, and now I am here.. got no where. 

Know my ADD has something to do with this, but I cant keep using that as an excuse. enough is enough. I need to fix my situation and become a better version of myself. Someone my kid can look up to. Now, I am so ashamed of myself that I am isolating myself from everyone, even my own son.. it hurts me, as many of these patterns are something I see in my father. He was never there for me, I didn't feel 'wanted'.. He kept for himself and used weed as a medicine etc. He is a kind and loving father but never gave me anything to look up to or any life direction. He was and is, just there.. and that is not inspiring to me. It makes me sad that I am in that rut of life now, and it seems hopeless and im stuck here (for now)..

Was always a go-getter and determined getting what I wanted... and after some failed business attempts and loss of money,, I am now here. with nothing. So I have to build myself up again.
It's not easy, but I aint no quitter... But I can feel my relationships to my son, sons mother, parents and everyone around me is going down the drain. well my friends are there, sort of.. We meet once a while but that's it. I'm alone on this one, and it's not easy...

Hopefully this flat line shit will go away so I can become a bit clearer and set things in action. I am also thinking about getting professional help, because I dont think this depressive state for this long of a period is normal or healthy. My problem is, why am I so lazy .. why so lifeless?.. is it because of this journey of pmo-free, my ADD, do I have depression.. what is it?!.. 


still... trucking along - next stop;  50.




counter : April 1 / day 41

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #27 on: June 02, 2019, 05:33:13 AM »
Once you've finished the YBOP book, I can highly recommend you "The Porn Myth" by Matt Fradd! It's an excellenct book on the different negative effects porn has from various perspectives. And it has a very cool appendix at the end where numerous scientific findings are listed. Many known ones (p causes ED) but also other ones like that in many (I think it's actually 50% but I'm not too sure) of the divorces in the US porn has been a component. Highly recommended!

Awesome. I just bought the audiobook. Thank you!

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #28 on: June 02, 2019, 05:36:04 AM »
Great journal, man. Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey. I find that Zazen practice is vital to my sobriety, and it's one of the best tools I have heading into my reboot.

Gassho.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2019, 06:13:03 AM »
Thanks for that Gassho. Yea Zazen is very special.. it requires (and teaches) discipline that comes with practice.
- Hardcore zen master would say it's good for nothing =).

I am sure it is helpful in this journey as well. I must admit, haven't been doing it for a couple of weeks.
.. thank you for reminding me to take up the practice again, much appreciated.

if anyone is interested about 'zazen' and have an hour to spare.. then check out this movie ; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TGSTOSOvj4&t=3311s



counter : April 2 / day 42

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #30 on: June 02, 2019, 01:06:50 PM »
I'll be sure to check it out. Thanks.

I know the feeling of drifting away from the practice. The opportunity to awaken is always there.

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #31 on: June 03, 2019, 11:41:21 AM »
Zazen, rebooting is an up and down process. One day, you feel like on top of the world and the next day you might be experiencing brain fog. They key is to keep walking come rain or shine. IT WILL PASS. Rebooting is non linear. A few months ago, I had a phase where I couldn't sleep longer than 5 hours anymore and I'm usually a sack rat. But it passed after about a month.

Don't throw in the towel!
nine months clean and counting...

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #32 on: June 03, 2019, 12:47:51 PM »
One way to look at craving is through the Zazen. Hakuin and early Zen masters wrote about the stuff that would come up while you sit as makyo or demons. These people who had none of our modern distractions felt like the minds tendency to race from one thought to the next was like being tormented by demons. At the same time, like demons, the thoughts aren't real.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #33 on: June 04, 2019, 06:49:10 AM »
Just doing an update, in one of my hardest hours - as my cravings are insane right now. Watching an interview on yt and just an normal girl being interviewed and my eyes keep shifting to see more of her, as in sexual cravings way.. I feel my body gets crazy horny etc and wants to touch myself.  I can feel my cojones tightened up and feel like it's like a loaded gun just wanting me to squeeze the trigger. In ways of my body trying to tell me "go ahead, look for more girls.. it's ok".. and such. I got away from it and went ahead and did my meditations to ease of the worst of these sensations. In my meditation I sat and really tried to tune in on these sensations and try to still my body and mind. was not easy, but I passed the test. all good.

I have to say that this community, the people responding with encouraging words..  is much more valuable to me than I'd ever thought. The support here is just a huge amount of help and to be honest, i'm not sure if I could withstand without knowing someone was reading. It means a lot to me. It's like I am not going through this it just for myself, but also for people here. It makes me feel i'm not alone in this and feel supported. To be honest at times I feel these sensations and I catch them I get thoughts like 'I dont want to let people down reading my journey.. I want to be a success example this time'... and these thoughts make me stronger and go through the wall of temptation that pop up once a while. Knowing I will come here and write about actions.

Thanks Pete for reminding me that the journey is supposed to be like this, in waves with some days up and some days down - and to endure when down and not to forget or let guards down when up. My focus is still 50 days for now ,, and even as i'm writing this with my body about to explode,, am definitely not giving in. MindoverModem got back to my zazen practice, and did it as soon as I felt the urges today and helped a lot. I sat through the sensations, just being there and let it pass.

Thankfully I've become really good at feeling my body and shutting everything down when it gets too excited and refocus to do something else. It was crazy hard today,, because I was like mentally arguing with myself when the sensations was at the top. Usually when I get aroused my body wants me to touched on some sensitive parts on my upper body,, this is a huge trigger of mine.. if I start touching myself, then I fall into the rabbit hole. So I've done everything not to go there and really happy I can calm myself. I tell myself that I can save it, for when I'm with a girl.

I make fun telling myself that I truly feel sorry for the next girl I'm going to have inter coarse with. She wont know how much is 'saved up'. Last girl I was with I literally broke her bed, so I had to buy screws and everything to put it back in place haha. I'd rather want story's to tell like that, instead of a falling for a quick-fix because of sudden arousal,, then being shameful about it afterwards and knowing I have to start over once again. Get saddened just writing about it, as I (all of us) have been there .. and it feels like shit.

Whoah.. it helped. Coming here when my arousal is at the top, and writing my thoughts and feelings out, truly helps. It helps me get out of the both mental & body lust-cycle and get rational about it. thank you all once again for all the support! I'm even starting to believe would be able to do 100 days =) .. but yea, one day a time -> 50 is up next.


counter : April 4 / day 44

 

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #34 on: June 04, 2019, 12:24:13 PM »
Was good journaling earlier.. I grabbed my bike and went to the gym right after. I

a special thank you to that person that DM'ed me earlier.
He reached out basically to say he was online if I needed to chat n order to get over the cravings. What a thoughtful and kind gesture!
and it really made me think about stuff today...... so gonna spill out some thoughts and ideas I have.

Not sure where to start, but here goes.
I was thinking why I could keep a streak this far, like 44 days is a pretty consistent record (for me) .. I have massive ADD, so my very nature is being impulsive and I have issues following through. but... with this, I can follow through..  was thinking why it was so,, then I was CLEAR : I was not doing it just for me ... I was doing it for every person reading these words as well. I was doing it to inspire people, that it actually was possible despite the ups and downs. Know im only 44 days in but I am really starting to believe this pmo-free stuff is possible.. like, completely.. forever.

SO.. why am I starting to believe this?.. what made it?... I think it's because I am starting to feel some sort of obligation to others here. Like, I really REALLY want to be a positive example of a person that 'made it' (not that there is a stop-line, as I believe making it is managing ourselves for the rest of our lives). So yea.. I think the fact that I am writing here more often, people following me, commenting on my journey and such, gives me some sense of really not wanting to disappoint people. Of coarse this journey is first and foremost for me, and I dont want to dissapoint myself as well of coarse,, but all the times I've relapsed, was because I was alone about it. No one following me.. I didnt feel there was any attention, no support, no nothing..  Now, I feel different, even if it's a few people commenting etc, I still wanna do good and set a good example. So.. I truly think this has been the difference.: Doing it for not just me, but others as well. That is why I could go through it for the past 44 days - and hopefully MANY days to come.   I know not to put any pressure on myself etc. and lets face it, I am human... so SHOULD it happen that i'd relapse, then I would be 100% honest about it here. I would only cheat myself by lying,, I would never.. I despise people that lie.. anyways, back to topic. The thought of people reading my comments and encouraging me, has given me another perspective on this thing. I am actually following through and sticking to the plan!.. All because of u guys (and if any girls reading=).

ok, now.. here are my other thoughts. Since my commitment towards people here is on this level, that I can be this consistent, then, why shouldn't I be able to add some other stuff to my counter?..
What if I added things slowly on a experimental basis, like,, 14 days to begin with.. and seeing if I follow through on that as well?.. what if I actually felt compelled to write here and look forward to tell the nation that I did that thing.. today, the next day etc.. and it became a habit. What if..  ..  That would just mean the WORLD to me.. being consistent and implementing a daily routine, so I once again could become happy.  So I want to list some thing that made me happy moments and see what I can slowly implement (without too much on the plate).

> taking my ADD pill on a daily basis
I have been absolutely inconsistent taking my pills. They do help me 'get started' .. but often I forget, I postpone, I dont take them reguraly and that hurts my daily structure. So this is a thing i'd love to put on the counter - taking my pills in the morning. Just for a 14 day period to see if it makes changes in my life or not. I took them earlier today and I biked to gym so it must do something.

> pushups
I've been doing that regurarly before and it just boosted my testostorone a lot (not that i'm lacking any of it, quite the opposite) but I really want to implement that as soon as I get up. Just to have my muscles pumped up and ready for the day. Ideally it would be 30x pushups when I get up.

> Vitamins
maan.. I've tried SO many times to take my vitamins on a daily basis.. and just like everything else I "forget" it one of the days... and it becomes a habit to forget it, and boom.. out of routine.
What if I had to 'check' it off in the morning and update my counter,, that I actually HAD taken them. Just the thought of having to update my vitamin-counter here, would incentivise me to take them. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. Dont want to put too much on the plate... so, I've decided for the next 14 days, that I am going to make a addition to my counter.
And I am going to make two daily posts. One in the morning when I've checked off the list, and one in the evening that goes through my mental state and just to show up. .
I am sorry that if the post will get too spammy, this is the downside to it, like.. writing two posts a day. But hey, I am going to take it as a personal experiment the next 14 days.. to see if I am going to follow through or not. There is a possibility my ADD takes over and 'forgets' to write, or get totally disorganized that it dont go as planned. i know this in advance, and if I cant follow through, then I wont be dissapointed in myself or be hard on myself. I know ADD can cause this. But for now, I feel commited to take this as a challenge. Lets do this!

Alright, here are the changes to my counter for the next 14 days (till 18 June).

Pmo-free .   April 4 .   Day 44
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 4 .   Day 1
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 4 .   Day 1
30x Morning pushups .   April 4 .   Day 1

So, this counter is starting from today on a experimental basis for the next 14 days. The rules are following : I HAVE to open this journal as soon as I get up, as my very first action is to update my counter as the first thing. Here goes nothing.. If I would be able to follow through with this, wow.. that would be amazing for me!.. I know it might seem as a simple thing for some of you guys, but for me being totally inconsistent with almost everything else in my life for the moment (besides being pmo free), it would mean consistency I always been longing for.. routine, good habits.. and these good habits could lead to other good habits (pills would for example get my day going, and would most likely get me to the gym, and I'd get more confidence etc)..

so, crossing my fingers to see if this would work. I will set an alarm that wakes me up every morning that plays an mp3 audio recording that plays get my ass up and update the counter :) ..  I am really hoping this stuff works. alright. I'll stop here and dear journal, see you every day for the next 14 days every morning. Take care ya'll.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2019, 04:34:38 AM »
Made the mistake of installing Tinder last night.. why, not sure.. but spent swiping mindlessly for like 2hours. I swiped 'not interested' on like 99.9999% on all of the girls.
Swiped so much that finally saw a girl I met some years ago and I was like 'she still here..  da hell.. then what the fuck am I doing here' > went and deleted that shit right away.

It was a good test though (despite loosing sleep and time) because I found out that ;     a) I had zero interest in girls from the country I live in,, or maybe its just the fake pixel stuff doing it..    b) happy not to waste my time on that crap .   c) It definitely incentivised me to approach women I see more,, as all dating sites and such are by now ruled out. that stuff aint working for me no more. It did A LOT in the past.. but that was all lust and wanting to chase some tail for the sex of it. not in it for chasing any longer. I am sure some people meet there and get real relationships as well etc, but I dunno.. seemed too much of a time-waster and it was just surreal. Glad I tried it, and deleted it.. Now that is out of the way ).  I'd rather want to meet a person irl, give compliments and build a natural relationship like that.

anyways.. got up super late today.. updating counter and heading to the gym. Will prob just keep it at one post a day.
I promised myself that I wouldn't press the 'post' button before I had done the things on the counter so here goes....

Pmo-free .   April 5 .   Day 45
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 5 .   Day 2
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 5 .   Day 2
30x Morning pushups .   April 5 .   Day 2
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 04:41:48 AM by zazen »

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #36 on: June 05, 2019, 05:07:59 PM »
Thinking about something.. a couple of years ago I watched some documentary on being vegan.. the content had a very deep impact on me, and I went hard mode vegan from that day. I was vegan for 9 months after that documentary. Then friends and family started telling me I wasn't looking good, lost weigh etc. Then it hit me.. The vegan lifestyle wasnt healthy for me. I tried it, but it was not for me. So I knew I wanted to stop it.   However, there was a trigger,, I went to a place where I use to eat grilled chicken, and I succumbed eating meat that very day. I had no self control.

Im annoyed that I didn’t really decide eating meat before hand, I kind fell of the vegan lapse that very day (that smell of grilled chicken completely took over all my human controls heh).
After eating I rationalised it that ‘I was getting weak’.. I had to eat meat etc. -  I just wish I had decided before hand that I was going to eat meat before entering that restaurant.

— Why am I writing all of this? Fear.. fear of losing control, if a strong-enough trigger pops in my face again… The fear of falling into some site,
on a day of boredom,
a day of stress or anxiety -
that leads me to wanting to get relief, and I succumb to the ‘old me’ of pmo’ing to free up my troubled head and sucumbing to ‘feel good’ in that very moment. I fear that.

I have no idea what I am going to do when those days come.. 
will I be strong enough to endure?
will I be able to think rationally and do something else for relief?…
what if it’s a really big crisis or something.. 

having many thought right now as I was reading other people’s blogs. Seeing how damn easy it is to fall into PMO again and again..over years and years.. 
I don't want that for me. ……. I know what I don't want, but haven’t really thought or focused of what I truly want!..

If I put too much focus on what I dont want, Im sure I will attract more of just that. and that ain't no good. 
Need to make some strategies and set some goals towards what I want in my life.
I need to put a direction in the gps, otherwise life will take me as IT wishes… I have to set the roadmap. oh well that will be for another post

…………. and maybe I am just overthinking things right now and projecting into the future.. shit I have no idea will happen or not.
But I know that it will always good to have a contengincy plan + making goals.       



aaanyyywayyysss
day 46 tomorrow. so here is a special message for day 50  : “I am gonna tear u apart! and you'r friend too!!” =)    ie. seeing myself hit the goal already.
just had a coming to america moment thinking of that line haha. Take care all, We got this!


zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2019, 02:05:41 PM »
nothing special, just an counter update.

Pmo-free .   April 6 .   Day 46
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 6 .   Day 3
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 6 .   Day 3
30x Morning pushups .   April 6 .   Day 3

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #38 on: June 08, 2019, 03:40:38 AM »
Having wet dreams more often.. typically in the mornings.. Im half sleeping, half grinding the bed due to dreams of being with women,,  then I wake up and become aware of it, and I simply stop it.
Things are on automatic per say. No urges to see P, however I do feel like a wanting to interact with women.. which typically leads to testing a dating site, but end up closing it right after because of how fake and shallow I feel it is...

but there is something more than that underlying,, I think it's that I don't feel deserving of having women into my life as things are going now. I'm always so serious about my work, despite it not working out as I want, not making any $ and it's stressing me out.. all of that combined makes me stay at home trying to make money,, isolated,, and categorize myself as unworthy of attracting people into my life.. 'what do I have to offer' sort of thinking,, which logically I know is totally ridiculous..   Thing is I dont have my own place, however, one of my friends offered his apartment to me and said I could take it whenever I wanted and bring ladies there,, so I cant use that excuse any more (not having my own place).

Truth is I can sweep up almost any woman (where there is a mutual interest) with my charm when I'm with her,.. money and stuff doesn't matter, . It's just my thinking that hinders me, thoughts like;  (you have to have money, you have to BE SOMEBODY, you have to have status, you have to be powerful etc).. these are the kinds of thoughts that sabotages me, the perfectionist in me that doesn't want me to make mistakes and don't like being judged etc. This is what isolates me and makes me stay home and try so hard becoming that guy.. 
It's like, I am stopping myself of even approaching anyone because I am afraid to tell my story, what I am going through.. and mostly, that I am not ....successful.

the 'successful' word hurts me just thinking about it. I know why... 2 years ago, my ex told me some very nasty words.. words that felt like piled through my heart with a big fucking pole.
she said I wasn't successful, I didn't know what I wanted in life, I had no direction, .... basically that she saw me as a loser. I was going through a lot of hard times at that point and that was the least of everything I needed to hear,, as I was changing up my life at that time..   Those words made me work hard daily to become succesful.. it hurt me so much...

since that time..  2 years later, I have isolated myself from everyone.. gone underground..  why?.. cause of working daily, and i'm still not fucking 'successful' YET..   well, she messed me up for sure in that regard.. but I do realise she projected her own insecurities and fears onto me that day.    I've forgiven her despite it all. I get attached to people I love very strongly.. and when they hurt me, I feel VERY hurt..  All I wanted was to love her and her to love me - but yea'.. turned out she was a golddigger ,, and there is a saying 'you cant make a ho into a housewife'. I wont go into that, but found she truly was a person going for money, fame and attention.. what a shame. But oh well.. life lessons. Moving on. I'll find someone that loves me for me some day. I also have to remind myself that not all women are like that and that every single women/experience are truly unique and have never happened before.. and anything can happen - so never give up hope.

anyways... for now, i'm stuck here, don't feel like online-dating shit... and not easy meeting women when I'm inside working so much.
'Need to make a plan to spend some time outside as well. Weather is getting better etc,  so the opportunities are there for sure. Will have to get out more for sure.. hit on some women just for the fun of it and take things from there...  could definetly use a small weekend trip or smth to kickstart my game again.  hmm.. that was actually a good idea. will see next week.

This weekend I'll be spending time with my son. Will be all about him and devote my full attention to him (I don't get to see him often).
Have a great weekend everyone - stay safe, stay strong.

monday will be day 50!..
Pmo-free .   April 8 .   Day 48
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 8 .   Day 5
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 8 .   Day 5
30x Morning pushups .   April 8 .   Day 5

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #39 on: June 09, 2019, 01:59:49 PM »
whoaa just hurried in here to write so I wont do anything I'd regret...

My son and I had a great day yesterday and the rest of it today. Then he was picked up,, and I was again alone..  left finding ways of 'making money / what to do' endless search..
get a job? try out this? go travel? start this business idea? what about doing this, or this? .. etc etc etc.. searching like this all day.

on top of that.. I've eaten too much sugar all day and it is putting my body in an elevated state of emotions,, or something like that.. blood sugar probably bouncing everwhere by now.

then.. all the sudden,, it came in a split second out of nowhere > "just do it.. release it.. you will feel good and relaxed after".. that voice.. telling me to find smth to M to..
holy shit!!.. that's when I hurried up clicking the Reboot Nation bookmark... I just wanted to get in here asap and just write ANYTHING!!

..It's probably a combo-mix of stress, anxiety for the future and the high amount of sugar-intake that is doing all of this. I am really thankful I am this observant when these sudden urges / spikes of malware thoughts enter my brain..  I had that instant flashback memory of me in a PMO act as it was happening....body were trying to make me go there again - hell no,,,, it scared me how powerful the pull was,, so I instantly pressed the shortcut to get here instead.. damn ..

ok, writing seemed to reset everything... focusing that I am reaching my 50th day goal for tomorrow. I can do it!.. no urge or stress is going to set me back!
I am aware i'm in a high-state of stress and anxiety.

Will calm myself down with some meditation and go to bed early, so I can get up and celebrate my 50th + be productive early on.  Take care all!


Pmo-free .   April 9 .   Day 49
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 9 .   Day 6
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 9 .   Day 6
30x Morning pushups .   April 9 .   Day 6

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #40 on: June 09, 2019, 02:17:05 PM »
Hang in there, man. Thanks for sharing your struggle. Glad you reached for the forum in a moment of crisis!

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #41 on: June 09, 2019, 11:00:30 PM »
Good morning day 50!
I did it. reached my goal!.. yesterday did scare me though.. the instant pull that came in a fraction of a second was immensely strong. Normally I would succumb to feelings like that.
So glad I caught the feeling right away and found ways of not taking the easy route,, just to fulfil temporary emotions for a short-term feeling. I quickly realised I was in a stressed state and thankfully I knew that anything that would lead to PMO or any kind of artificial stimulation, would not solve my issues.

I am thankful to stay on the path and be here for the long run. To be honest, it was really scary and getting teary eyes right now how fucking fast it can come,, how tricky it is and how much power it has to lure one in, in a splitsecond. thankful I didn't fall for it.. so thankful! This I believe was the first time I really felt strong and fought against it… because that instant urge was stronger than previous times I felt it. Now I know to NOT binge eat sugar and icecream in one day when stressed,, as it can get me in that state again.

Alright, now on the the positives!.  effing day 50!!  I told you boiii… I was coming for you!! and I got you!!..
50 days, wow.. and in 10 days that’l be 2 months!!!..  Hence : new goal   > >.   the 60 mark!! 

I like to break it up in small reachable goals like that. Still feel the need to journal daily as the powers are still hidden in there, ready to attack.. so I need to be here to stay vigilant in order to come out strong on the other side. I have 1 week to go on the experimental counter thing for vitamins etc. So far I like writing it here as it keeps me accountable. like, I would absolutely HATE updating my counter here without actually have done it. That would make me a liar, a fake and cheat only myself. I would never do that.. I have self integrity to stay true to myself so keeping the counter alive for now. so far im doing good with 1 week in.

Oh yea and I finished YBOP and started The Porn Myth which Pete McVries suggested. Good read so far!


Pmo-free .   April 10 .   Day 50
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 10 .   Day 7
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 10 .   Day 7
30x Morning pushups .   April 10 .   Day 7

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2019, 07:23:04 AM »
Congratulations, mate! Keep at it!
nine months clean and counting...

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2019, 06:40:56 AM »
Congratulations on the 50 days-that is a great achievement!  Was glad to hear you had some special time with your son, and I hope you can figure out the job and work thing-a tricky beast indeed !     

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2019, 04:15:54 PM »
Day 51.    edit : somehow I think this post will be one of my most important ones.
Thank you Pete and Jixu for the support! I am here because of good souls like you, people that cares.

Alright.. not really into any rah rah inspiration/motivational speakers.. but david goggins is excepted, he is the real deal.
And this is some real-deal Rocky shit so I had to share it :)  : https://twitter.com/davidgoggins/status/1138519019739320322 
Breaking down his words below to do some analysis on what he is trying to communicate.

—————————
A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.
You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourselfe.

You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life.
You need to live the grip of life to find inspiration

put challenges in front of yourself!

when you put challenges in front of yourselfe, and attack it.. that’s when you find inspiration.
Try to be 10% better than you were last week.
so if you run 30 miles a week.. run 33.
if you are swimming 500 meteres, swim 550.

and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch.

The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.

Find yourselfe in the grip of life.

You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.
—————————

Alright.. I had to share as it made me think about my situation. Staying at home, trying to think myself out of my situation. Not doing any planning, not taking any desicions, just roaming around here and there… tired of it. Not trying anything, just fearful about my future and if I am able to make my entreprenural journey.. constant thoughts of If I am good enought for it or not etc.
line 1 : “A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.” .. yup. a depressed mindnset aint getting me no where. I need to do some changes here. Going on.

line 2: “You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourself”.  It is true in some aspect, I definetly could do more.. I could take my business more seriously, I could take up gym, I could quit sugar,  I could take up buying a car in able to take my son out more.. I could find some part time job..  ( I still have an issue at trying to find a steady job even if I know I would rock it.. but the thought of robbing my time holds me back).. I could go out more, smile more, I could approach people daily and interact more,  I could hit on women more=),..   My depressed mindset have held me back from all of these things which made me happy. I believe that if I start doing more of these things, my monetary situation would become better.. why? because I wouldnt be so fearful or depressed.. I would have more courage, diciplined and hence make money with my business. All I mentioned are challenges to me. getting outside and doing stuff, and mostly talking to people as Ive conditioned myself to think i am a shy guy.. which has never been true every damn time I’ve approached women (when I was in my PUA mode a couple of years ago).  So > do more.. definetly some outlined stuff to improve upon.  Would be really cool to ever so slowly add to my counter here,, like “give a compliment today”… that would actually be really cool!..  that is such a low-barriere thing, and would eventually probably make me want to know more about her. anyways, back to topic : DO SOMETHING.  .. alright, peeking at the three things I wrote first,, that must mean something I really want to do ; 1.  I could take my business more seriously 2: I could take up gym. I could quit sugar.   These are some sort of repetative stuff which I can do on a daily basis. Becoming diciplined and following a daily process for my job.   and going to the gym.   Will add these to my action plan later.

line 3/4; “You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life. “ … Yep, feel really demotivated when just staying home. Roger that=). I’ve been doing that for too long time and it’s about damn time I make a change!! I might be in a slump, I might have financial worries, I might not have my own place - but FFS… slumps are not permanent,, just hard to see beyond. I am not dead, i dont wish to be.. I know my character and that I can overcome anything. I might have been let down by people but they do not dicate my life ahead of me. Time to grab the balls of the bull and make a ride of this life.  ehh, that came of weird.. but you know what I mean haha.

line 5:  “put challenges in front of yourself!”. Alright, I already identified some challenges that would move me in a better direction.. just 1% better daily.   
> STRUCTURE - not just for my business, but for my overall life.. when I’d wake up, when I’d go out the door, when I’d study business, when i do business, when I do workout, when it is ok to eat sugar, and when would be time to give a compliment.   A structure that outlines these things would give me some sort of accountability for myself.. and I think I would do it, and hopefully it would become a habit.
Imagine if I gave a complimennt to women on a daily basis.. I would become confident in myself and … holy shit,, I would actually become the guy I want to be.  ouf, that sentance hit my heart..  Becomind the guy I want to be. Why did it so?…  what is holding me back?..   fear?..  fear of what?…    digressing here - but hitting some important topics and really glad I am sharing it here as I write. So ,, challenges put into some sort of routine, which I can track on a daily basis (just as what im doing with that experimental counter).   Good, doing some introspective digging here and I like where it’s going.   moving on…

line  10/11 :  “and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch. “
                     “The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.”
Hmm… so what I get from this is,, just do the minimum amount possible!.. if that means showing up to the gym and untying your shoes and putting them back on.. then do that and take it as a victory (I showed up).   If that means doing 45min of effective business work and stoppingn for the day, then that is successs. If that means going outside to ask a girl for the fucking time, then do that and take it as a victory.
I think what he is trying to say is ; do a little bit of what challenges you,,, just that little bit - but on a daily basis… and by time and repetition you would be comfortable doing that thing that it would natturally progress to take it to a higher level.. like fuck, after asking women for the time 30 times eventually you would stop giving a fuck about the time and tell her you like her smile,, right =). I know I would.
Now that other line is interessesting… I’ve mainly been home trying to make my business work and have totally neglected myself, joy, my family, my damn soul…  cant even remember when I’ve smiled with true happyness last time… come to think of it. I do… when I fell in love 3 years ago with my x. Which turned out to be a toxic relationship - but none the less. I was happy.. I was wanted,, we were both in love.. I felt loved. That made me happy.  I believe there is another out there for me which can give me that again. I miss that. oh, back to topic… have I become weak?…    I can already feel the answer inside of me wanting to get out.. YES!.. mentally weak. Not believing in myself. doubting. scared. as i am writing this I feel my innner child is talking to me, ok this might sound weird but I am typing what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.  Feel like he is confused and dont know what to do, where to go..   he lacks structure.. he needs to know what to do.. and know that, whatever he will do is OK. He wants to have fun again and know that everything is going to be ok. I am going to make him a promise…  …. me and you, we are going to have fun again. I promise you that. Trust me.
.. ok im back. sorry for the sudden shifts, told you.. ADHD kinda does that to you at times. but yea.. lack of accountability/structure can lead into slots and into weakness. that what’s happened to me. Time to turn the damn boat around and put some GPS on it with laser-sharp direction.

line 12/13: : “Find yourselfe in the grip of life.  You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.”
ok. grip of life .. what is that for me? .. challenge myself. fail. have fun. mess it up. smile at it. laught it off. just do the damn thing. show up. do 1% every day. be kind. be compassionat to other people. laugh. have fun. express yourself. show yourself. give love. take action. be decisive. be clear. make plans. stick to the plans. control my mind.
… ok what does all of that exactly mean in actionalble steps.. because for now all of that sounds all good, but its useless if not put into action. I know, I’ve had these great plans and thoughts MANY times and ended up fading out after a week or two.. I was never consistent with it. …. but I am seeing things are slowly changing after my presence here. I have the support. I feel obligated to update my counter (hold myself accountable part).. I believe it’s possible. I am starting to have faith.   SOO.. Time to make a damn plan !!.. BUT cant put too much on the plate,, I am very cautios with that.. Too much and I’ll get overwhelmed and ditch everything and that will make me feel like a failure .. and who knows, that could lead into PMO.. hell no, not taking that route! one step a time baby one step a time!..

so.. plan for now. lets see,  3 main things were:
1.  a structure for my business. Which is basically a daily planner such as get up at 08, etc.   out the door at clock 09 , be at gym at 10 etc. ..
2. go to the gym.
3. no sugar.

So,, I tried these things before and sometimes I can do a streak and just do it on a daily basis without thinking - and some times,, things in my life just happened which made me ditch it all and become all slot and lazy…  the inconsistency is what I am fighting against the most. This is one of my root causes and mostly stems from my innatentive ADD.  well, remember the very first thing I added my counter : TAKE MY ADD PILLS !! Yahh.. and i’ve actually been taking them every morning - sticking to the plan. So it seems some consistency is starting there. It havent gotten me out the door though, but I didnt plan that in. But I am doing that now.  What can I commit to?.. Can I commit to go to the gym on a daily basis?.. hmm.. it’s a mouthful right now.. but I know I really want this, and I know it could benefit me immensly (I was SO damn confident when I was buff).. I think it’s the right thing to add. Add gym as a daily pracsis. .. alright, so.. I need to put it in as a super-low barrier.. nothing like workout for 2hours daily.. no, … way way lower. thinking thinking.. how could I trick myself to commit to the absolute lowest act, that would get my ass out the door without hesitating. hmm…….  Tie my shoes and untie them at the locker room??.. really.. are we going there??.. fuck.. haha..  I mean, just the thought of that,,, I’d be ok with that.   “OK I know I have to get my ass to the gym just to untie and tie my shoes, and it’s a success” .. yea.. that could actually do it for me. I know i’d end up working out anyways hehe but the mind-trick is on another level :D ..    So, typing that in as an update to my counter right now!..

no sugar.. hmm.. I think this part will come naturally when I begin working out. I’ve always been very healthy and fit.. especially when I do gym on a routine basis. I am actually starting to look forward to going to the gym as i am writing this.. why, not sure..  maybe that low-commitment funny crazy idea I just came up with.. tie/untie my shoes haha wth, if this shit works I am going to write a book about it haha.

then the first part.. the structure thing, which again, has been super inconsistent for me. working late.. staying up to 3am mindlesly watchingn random YT videos until my eyes cant no more. I think it has been an escape for me. Kind of like what PMO was in the past.. an escape of sorrow, lonelyness, lack of connection.. just wanting to drown my mind away and falling asleep. Its time to make a change here..  I need more structure in my life. I remember when I had a daily job, there was structure. well, i wasnt ‘happy happy’ but, at least I werent doing the shit i am doing to myself today.. hiding, depressive, not going out, all tied up in front of my pc all day…  I was active and outgoing when I had the security of a steady paycheck, the structure of knowing what to do for the day. I need that back!..  No one is going to make it for me but me. so..  lets see. main things are get enough sleep and get up in the morning, so I have enough energy to take my pills and get my ass out the door towards the gym. That alone would be a great accomplishment.. by time and repetitions i’d have muscles and fit look again, get some confidence, stay diciplined, get some mass on, get a better mindset, be more optimistic, be more approachable, smile more, approach women more and become a super stud .. ok ok, taking it too far now, easy now heh. But yea’,, ..  Get up at clock X and sleep at clock X, would be a good start. So,,, adding to the action plan, my counter. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. it’s a good experiment!.. I really hope I can find consistency in these things as I am experiencing with PMO-free right now….. and imagine if I could.. if so..
I would become the guy I want to be.






Pmo-free .   April 11 .   Day 51
Get up at 09am .   April 11 .   Day 0
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 11 .   Day 8
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 11 .   Day 8
30x Morning pushups .   April 11 .   Day 8
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 11 .   Day 0
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 11 .   Day 0
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 11 .   Day 0

(for new visitors seeing my counter : I know this might seem confusing , but it’s an accountablity counter which seems to have a positive effect for me staying consistent. so just testing things out until 1st of july).

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #45 on: June 12, 2019, 03:50:30 AM »
Good morning day 52!..
check check check check chek and I am now out the door towards the gym.

Good day everyone!


Pmo-free .   April 12 .   Day 52
Get up at 09am .   April 12 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 12 .   Day 9
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 12 .   Day 9
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 9
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 12 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 12 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 12 .   Day 1

« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 05:35:47 AM by zazen »

MindOverModem

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2019, 05:23:00 AM »
Nice! Get after it in the gym. Your posts help me stay motivated and on track.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2019, 05:36:35 AM »
Day 53!.. trucking along. Yesterday I woke up early and hit the gym and did some work after.

had a crazy wet dream last night..  dreamt I was watching a P movie and I could feel my body really wanting to get have an orgasm,, then in my dream things shifted and I was all the sudden being an observer of myself watching the P-movie … and I was shouting to him/me “NO dont do it.. shut it down.. dont watch it.. its fake..” it went on like this and I woke up from the dream. I felt some sort of shame, because I thought I had PMO’ed since I still had some sexual feelings + wood .. then I relialised, it was all a dream =).. piuh.. 

Had a bad sleep after that, was up to like 5-6am and due to rain and thunder and didn't get to wake up at 09. So its 12:30 here, feel unmotivated but I guess that is natural due to a lack of sleep. Despite that,  I am gonna follow the plan.  taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this


Pmo-free .   April 13 .   Day 53
Get up at 09am .   April 13 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 13 .   Day 10
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 13 .   Day 10
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 10
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day --
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day -
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day -

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #48 on: June 13, 2019, 07:32:36 AM »
... continued post (2h later)
Quote
Taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this
took my pills, prepped my gymbag and bicycle, got gym clothes on.. then.. I got disorientated,, procrastinated.. My mind did everything else than just getting my shoes on and getting out the door.. so I ended up wasting time on the internet. My friend called me and I told him I was my way to gym.. but I never went. I feel bad ,, no I feel dissapointed.. why cant I follow up and just do it?..  actually I do feel bad . and down.. I am really trying to tell myself "relax, it's your ADD,, relax you didnt sleep well" etc.. but fact is im just sitting at home now and not doing shit..  Will go meditate now and wait for my friend to pick me up... will help him change out tires on his car.. and i'll bring my laptop with him and ask him for help - getting help to sit beside me and do things i've been procrastinating.. seems like I dont have the willpower to do it by myself. I need help.

I finished the porn myth audio book. really got some great knowledge that will help my journey being pmo free. I am proud that i've come this far and I believe I can hit the 90-day pmo free for sure. But what I am dealing with now I think is my ADD (lack of motivation in everything) and therefore I bought 'Driven to distraction', a book about ADHD and how to get the best out of it.

I will try to get sleep early today and start fresh tomorrow. I feel sad right now for todays turnout, yet trying to stay compassionate and forgive myself. 

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #49 on: June 14, 2019, 07:04:34 AM »
almost slipped today..  watching yt, led to some old behaivors watching abit of twerking,, and led into me watching an xrated vid for 1min.. holy shit, wth am I doing?!!... Instantly I knew that was a wrong path, and I shut it down before doing any harm.

quickly hurried up here to do some writing. Nothing done, no touching, no M or O - so this is not a slip, but a lesson, a warning..  I caught my behaviour in time before starting to touch or do anything to stop my progress. I learned from this lesson, be vigilant, do not even peek for a splitsecond, it will lure you down the rabbbit hole even if you don't want it. The power of the addiction is stronger than the rationalisation of 'I know I should not do this' .. all of that rationlising shuts down when our evolutionary body is seeking to reproduce. I am so thankful I was able to come to my senses.. I've never been this close to slip-up in my entire journey to this day. What a punch to the head this lesson was..

Today will be a tough day, as I can feel the crave for stimuli. Man fuck this Im not going down like this!!!

Not going to let this rule my life and relapse again and again over the years.. im done with this. Thank you for the warning, thank you for showing me I need to NOT PEEK, NOT SEEK anything at all!.. Thank you for showing me that it is easy to let guards down for just 1min.. thank you for giving me power to stop myself, realising the truth, that what I was watching was FAKE and would only harm me by continuing the process. Thank you for showing me I deserve more than this fake stimuli.. that I deserve true love and affection and to be loved for me - not a screen that does nothing for me.

What I did was an impulsive act which I initially had little control of.. I was observant of my acts but hard to resist it as my brain felt 'stimulated' - but I regained my senses and my self-control and came back to the truth. I feel like I need help from some higher powers at this point, so I will only use my laptop to seek information about god (I have been an atheist all my life, so this is a some shift to do this.. but feel like I need help from a higher source atm).

Thank you all for being beside me as we go through this addiction. I will add to my counter and mark this day with bold, to remind me of the marked day,, The day that almost took over but I did not let it.   For now, I need to take some time off and forgive myself for this behaviour, I need to ask for forgiveness and strength to continue my fight. I will ask for love to enter my life from real people.

I put my trust in the process and will truck along. I didn't come this long to give up. I deserve better. All the best -


Pmo-free .   April 14 .   Day 54
Get up at 09am .   April 14 .   Day 3
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 14 .   Day 11
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 14 .   Day 11
30x Morning pushups .   April 14 .   Day 11
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day 1
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 07:06:10 AM by zazen »