Author Topic: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain  (Read 230 times)

zazen

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Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM »
38yo, single, have a child, friends with the mom, been dealing with P for a hell of a long time.. and its been robbing me for, mostly my self-worth.

as I started getting a computer since 13yo, my first search phrase was 'sex' in IRC forums and would happily wait +30min on a 14.4kb/s dialup modem, waiting for a picture of a women to show.
well, its easy to say things on the internet has changed since. P was somehow always around the corner, it got easier and easier to get a hold of. Going from magazines to torrents, high speed and yea.. you know the drill. I always had to have the release.. the quick fix. Little did I know that most of my anxieties and self doubt started because of this self medication. It was a way of comforting myself and showing myself love (i must have felt that) where I didn't feel I got it from the right places (my parents for example). So I just had to numb myself with these images to feel good.

As I got older I got into dating sites. I would say most of my sexual encounters are from the internet. I had a way with words online at that time, and ive probably been with +50women or so. Not that it is a thing to be proud of.. but I do have experience with women. Well, that was the days. Things are different today, but that is a story for another time.

I never had any PIED, my issues are with loneliness, feelings of not being good enough, worthy of love etc. and hence resolving to p to ease my mind. Which cascades into social anxiety and becoming somewhat a passive person, hesitating on a lot of things in life due to accumulated low self worth. I combated that with becoming great at things, mostly masculine things such as martial arts.

I am starting this journal so I can keep track of my progress. I started 29/4 so I am totally PMO free 24 days by now. I am not setting any goals for now.

Reading others journals kind of scares me, how the relapse can get a hold of people and creep back in. I have tried pmo free for months, but then life happened and I got stressed and fell back into it.. so I know how dangerous the cycle is. 

But from now on I have decided to be better myself. I have decided to respect myself. Why would I serve myself with thrash? Do I see myself as thrash? No! .. I am a worthy person that is worthy of love, compassion and someone that loves me for who I am. Even if it's hard to believe, I know it's the truth. But in order for the truth to come to fruition, I have to act correspondently. I have to walk the walk!


What does that mean for me?

1. I am hereby deciding not to view anything that triggers me, and lure me into the rabbit hole of endless 'just a little peek'
2. I am hereby deciding, that when a trigger comes (it will come) I will observe the feeling of desire, the feeling of an undisciplined mind, and I will chose to meditate instead.
3. I am hereby deciding to update here on a weekly basis at least until 01/2020. even if its just a counter update. I need to hold myself accountable.

I started my journey 24 days ago (29 april 2019), and im to this day fully PMO free. I look forward to continue this disciplined act with 1 small step every single day.
Know there will be times where triggers come, and I vizualise myself being steadfast, and removing myself from the situation instantly. I am not a religous person but am really praying to god that I can have the strenght to overcome the urges when the expected triggers come. So far I have been doing amazing and I am proud of myself... so now its just a matter of trucking ahead ever so slowly. There is no rush.. just 1% better every single day.

and to address my subject title. 'go through the pain'. I believe this is a must for all of us. Feeling the pain of withdrawal, the pain of wanting, the pain of cravings.. really feel it, and sit through it. I know easier said than done. But my belief is we will become stronger the day after, if we can just sit through the pain in that moment and not succumb to the desires. I look forward to see if I can do it. I have really had zero cravings so far.. I think reading blogs of others have affected me so much that is has sincerely scared the shit out of me. I have cried reading other peoples blogs, how this thing have destroyed their lifes... and then I got flashbacks of places I had to have the 'fix' and feel ashamed of how I could let it go on my entire life. Well, I do forgive myself and now i am only looking ahead.. but maan, I dont want to read myself in 5 years here again about me relapsing over and over again and my life is going to the drains. No fucking way!..  no fucking way.. I am not here to TRY.. I am here to fucking eradicate this bs fake pixel crap out of my life once and for all.

Last time I had a long streak (+5 months I believe it was), I messed it up by rationalising one day, that it was okey to view girls twerking on yt.. then it went on from there and fell back into it.
Not making that mistake again. Also I remember starting edging, playing with myself with a bathmate etc. also a wrong choice. I learned and im wiser now. No temptations what so ever. I am here to go through the pain this time. if any triggers come ; I shut it down!..... I got this for good this time!!


final note. why did I attach the image of BL?
Look at his eyes.. what are they saying? "dont fucking mess with me"..
Look at his character.. "im not the one to be messed around with".
Look at his tightened jaw "I might look calm, but expect fire upon you"

... he is certain in himself. He glows a calm demeanour, yet power within. He has confidence that he can kill anything on his path that tests him. He is not bullshitting, his eyes says it all. "I will take you down with every inch of fiber in my body". ..... This is how I feel now.. that feeling, where I am certain I can give this up for good. Please god give me the strength.



Thank you for reading.

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 07:51:50 PM »


Welcome! :)

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 04:18:53 AM »
nice one thnx!  :D

im reading the book YBOP and really liking it!.. read this which I find very interesting

"Quitting isn't a cure all for your life problems – but it's the foundation, a ploughed field
in which you can sow seeds for a new future that isn't bedevilled by the secrecy and shame that comes with falling into the seemingly inescapable pit of porn-related despair that so many of us know. A life of hope and strength – not jizzy tissues, jealousy, bitterness, self-hatred, resentment and unfulfilled dreams.”

... a foundation where you aren't ashamed of yourself for doing what you know is wrong. I like that idea. I always liked the notion of respecting one self and doing what acts in ones best self interest.
i know for sure I feel like shit when PMOed, not going back to those low life actions again. yea I might be harsh here, but it's just me realising how low i've been throughout my years of pixel consumption, numbing myself ... not thinking.   I would love to say "i was thinking it would cure me, that is why i was doing it".. but no. I was not thinking at all ... just reacting of my lust, wanting and urges of my whatever the hell my body told me .. no self control whatsoever.   

Oh well, no need to go back in time and punish myself .. that was then. I am here now. I am going to the gym, eating crazy healthy (started keto) and meditating daily and I'm fucking lovinn it!..
hey year 2020.. your pmo-free ass is mine! I promise myself to become better, improve and go after real girls and enjoy myself. have fun. laugh. smile. become proud of my life.  I got this!

counter : day 25


zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2019, 12:22:54 PM »
Doin well.. just an update to get myself accountable here.
I notice that when i browse youtube or anything, and if a beautiful woman pops into the suggested videos (I have a high trigger for beautiful faces) i am diciplined enough to quickly remove it.. Either I remove the suggested video in youtube, or instantly observe that I feel lust.. and my brains instantly says *TRIGGER* ... then I know to remove myself from the situation. Im really thankful I am mindful about that my feelings and how I can see when my body feels the urge to click onto that beautiful face.. nop, not doing it!..  I have to be honest that reading other posts in RN kind of scares me.. seeing other guys reboot every week or so... I just think to myself,, maan.. I dont want to do that to myself. I guess that drives me as well. Guess Im just fed up of not having dicipline in my life, and I am making up for it now. 

I trust myself and believe in myself that i can stick to the process. I have set my goal. its already done. nothing can stop me.


Will keep on reading YBOP and become more knowledgeable on why our brains act this way.  I will come here more often and write, as I think it helps me in my journey. If i let go, I have a feeling the odds of slipping into a desire would be much higher. Definitely not going that path.. Better to come here and spill out my thoughts.


counter : may 17 / day 26 

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2019, 12:52:46 PM »
Once you've finished the YBOP book, I can highly recommend you "The Porn Myth" by Matt Fradd! It's an excellenct book on the different negative effects porn has from various perspectives. And it has a very cool appendix at the end where numerous scientific findings are listed. Many known ones (p causes ED) but also other ones like that in many (I think it's actually 50% but I'm not too sure) of the divorces in the US porn has been a component. Highly recommended!

mobilfreak

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2019, 01:43:28 PM »
Great decision mate!

I belive in you, you have the power to change you life. Only have it and can use it wisely!

Just one thing I felt when I read about your decisions. That's great decisions, and will help you alot. And also, two things motives people. Fear or love. Or in other words. A dream or a nightmare.

You dream of having a PMO free life will helping you to stay away from what's making you feel bad about yourself. And your fear will help you push your self away from where you are.

When in balance, that will make you the best life.

But if you would fall one day, and decided in advance, "I will never do" it's a chance you will beat up on yourself.

My suggestion is that you make a decision, with your compassion and love for your self, that you will take care of yourself if you fall. In that way it will help you get up on feet fast and the relapse will not be that deep and long.

And to this also a warning. Don't make it like a excuse for doing PMO. "well I have already promised my self compassion, so it's Okey"

Hope you get what I mean. If not. Just let it all go out the other ear

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2019, 03:52:28 PM »
Thanks Pete, will read that book once finished with this one. I have seen other mention it, so definitely worth a try to cement in how toxic this stuff is.

mobilfreak I totally get you, I have a black/white mentality and usually I dont place a greyzone .. its do or die. The thing is (as you mention) we are human and can fail.. and I do remember being hard on myself for not 'making it' (whatever it might be)... so me getting back up has always been difficult. You'r comment made me think it over.

I think I will change my perspective abit (and not be that black/white) to;  lets just take one step, one day a time... Appreciate every single minute and day I can abstain from this toxic content.
Have a hard time writing 'if i relapse then i'll forgive myself etc'.... I mean, I totally get what you are writing.. its just hard for me to have that safe-way plan.
Kind of confused right now hehe, because I know you are trying to help, so I wont be too hard on myself if i should relapse.. but the thought of relapsing disgusts me right now. I get sad thinking about it.. So it's like I rather want to burn my bridges and only stay strong and forge forward.

The thing is, I know life can happen.. stress, loneliness, people letting you down, feelings of not being good enough or doubting one self etc. All of these, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and maybe into relapse. I am aware of this process. I think i'm kind of denying that these things can happen emotionally right now.

I think the best thing would to have a plan if xyz would happen. fx.
IF I get aroused by watching a pretty face, and I find myself chase ; then I will do this.

like, being proactive rather than being reactive in that moment.

for now, my plan is this : if I get the feeling of arousal then shut it down!..
well, I hope this plan can last.. but man, I am a person with a lot of sexual needs which i am just putting on the side.. eventually it has to come out. I just hope I can find a girl to date/have sex with before my sexual tension builds up too much.

So far I haven't made any attempt of going after women. The last 1-2 years have been strictly focus on my business.. this has taken a toll on me, as financials are hard on me now.. and my living situation isn't optimal to bring women here. So I have just plugged away working nonstop daily. Not healthy I know...  but, this is how things are now.

I have an idea that says ; WHEN my business is thriving, THEN I can get my own place and first THEN I can allow myself to go after women.. it's like I dont feel worthy as things are right now.. its really a shame as I am sabotaging myself big time and not living in the now.

The good thing is I started to go to the gym again and build up muscle, that gave me confidence some years ago. That might help on the situation. But still have thoughts on my living situation and my business which is holding me back from .. well,, Life...  And without any real life, seeing people etc. then its a double whammy on the lonelyness which leads to .. me trying to comfort myself.. just a little.. which could turn into a loss of dicipline and rationalize a small pmo. You know the drill.  So this is my life right now. 

sry to rant) but the more i write here, the more I realise i need to change parts in my life. Maybe P is never the root-cause of all this.. maybe it's just me wanting to be acknowledged by someone.. someone that is proud of me.. someone that looks at me with dreamy eyes when I wake up,  and just love me for who I am. I've had it before... but that girl let me down big time and hurt me.
Since that day (3 years ago) I promised myself that I would focus on business and isolate myself. I've been doing that .. but getting little to no where. 

Not sure what to do as things are now... I think i'll just keep going with my work, and stay on the PMO free path. But I dont think it will fix my issues of social anxiety or loneliness.
I am really good with meeting women when I travel.. but back here, nothing. Just total isolation.  I haven't travelled for 1.5 years now, and its frustrating... but as financial things are now, I cant allow myself to travel.  so many things mixed up..

I think i'm being in a low state right now. am normally a very positive and strong person...
I can feel im just ranting here with thoughts all over the place, will stop now. thnx for commenting. 

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2019, 04:01:06 PM »
I've been doing KETO diet for a week or so today and felt groggy and low energy.. I think that was why I ranted yesterday as well, oh well..
Today we held birthday for a friend, There were lots of sugary stuff... but all I chose to eat was a very small slice of cake.

That is pretty good for a whole week of no sugar. I use to eat sugary stuff without being mindful about it.. but I have completely changed that.

Just like I somehow adopted the 'Trigger' thought for seeing women on the laptop, I have adopted the same for sugar and quickly observe myself and see the wanting.
Then I act in my best interest .. "I decided not to, so i'm not doing it".

I am proud that I am getting more and more disciplined. Something I always wanted..
hopefully I can hold this streak, I really feel I am becoming crazy observant of my thoughts and actions this time.


counter : may 18 / day 27

 

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2019, 04:38:16 PM »
Super stressed right now due to my work not going as I want it to.. struggling the most to make money. stressed financially and that is keeping me inside. That is not helping me on the social side, nor mentally being inside all day. I dont want to go back to an ordinary job, but maybe I have to.. I dont know. super stressed out, lost $ today and head is hurting...

I know my state is incredibly low after making the mistakes today. stressed and tired, + some lonelyness and nagging at people.. and isolating myself. yea.. that is no good at all. These are the times I usually watch something innocent and get lured into the rabbit hole and end up PMOing. but NO.. Not this time.. P is not an option. I will face my pain and sit through it.. I am not giving in.

Hard to motivate myself after failing over and over again with what I really want to do. Maybe Im just not fit to do this kind of work. man.. years wasted if I have to give it up.


counter : may 20 / day 29

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2019, 09:35:00 AM »
Dont know if this is a weird thing or not.. but was googling for a person for some work related. Then a image of a person having intercoarse was shown in one of the other thumbnails.. my eyes glazed over it, and then... I felt really.., like really sad.. just thought out "why..."

Naturally I didnt even want to view the picture, didnt press the thumbnail or anything.
Just observed how it killed me inside.. the feeling of sorrow and sadness... maybe it was a subconscious expression of all my life wasted on this bullshit in the past. Get sad just by writing it now.. I guess I am in a phase of hurting and getting over deep feelings from the past. It can only mean I am in the right path by having these emotions. Seems like I really want to meet with real life people, and not waste a single second watching pixels.

I have a past hobby of taking photos, so was viewing images on a forum site afterwards. I do see many beautiful women (not nude), and I am very aware as soon as the slightest arousal comes then I click away. I am mostly viewing as I am in awe of how the photographers take amazing pictures, and I feel like I want to go back to this hobby. It is not just for women-chasing, I would actually prefer to take images of children and men as I dont get performance anxiety etc. I have that issue if i'd have to photograph women,, I know its a false belief because I am actually really good at it. Social anxiety has held me back in many aspects in my life.. really sad.

anyways, I am thankful for sticking out a full month! Yaahh!.. I have not watched anything whatsoever, no pmo of any kinds - huge improvement.
I dont know if I am flatlining or what it's called.. I do feel lethargic and down these last weeks.. feeling down and just questioning everything. Just general dissatisfaction with life and not being fulfilled. But this has been an ongoing feeling through many years to be honest.. I think its my ADD that is causing most of these feelings. 

anyhow, I do feel getting rid of pmo is a great choice i've made and i am going through with it. I dont expect wonders of any sort.. just chosen to eliminate what I feel is not good for me.
Here is to one more month!.. :)


counter : may 21 / day 30

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2019, 12:29:46 PM »
congrats, keep going!

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2019, 06:38:19 AM »
Thanks Pete)

I have decided to begin the language i've always wanted to learn. So recently started a audio coarse and listening to it on my way to gym every day.. aprox 1h per day. I am totally getting it and getting better at it. I have also found a site where you can look up people to practice with. Problem is, I naturally seek out the ones that are beautiful.. not sure if its a problem, but just feel I get horny by seeing their images. hmm.. I will restrain myself and keep it no zero flirting and strictly language learning. I have decided to learn the language, so here goes! ... I feel i am becoming more and more diciplined which I am super grateful for.. like really really grateful. Not sure if its the restraining of pmo which gives me more testostoron or something. I mean,, I have crazy amounts of testostoron already... I wish I could give some of it to guys here with PIED because my hornyness is over the top haha..

The thing is, I am VERY aware the instant I get horny and diciplined to acknowledge it, and kind of .. 'talk to it'.. talk to my hornyness to talk it down so it wont escalate to doing anything that is not good for me. It usually started out with touching/stroking myself just a little bit.. which led to full pmo. I am not going there.. why? because I am really starting to feel the good effects this stuff gives me, most of all.. the dicipline to stick in there with something.

The pressure down there is for real, everything in my body is screaming "releaase the pressure"..  its like small gremlins screaming 'do it.. just do it' and trying to lure my body to get more and more horny so I can realease the pressure.. fuck, they are doin it good - but im not giving in. I know this is a part of the journey.. i know it's their job to make me wanting to relapse.


counter : may 22 / day 31

OrangeSpider

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2019, 09:09:49 AM »
Congrats on 31 days. I like what you said about talking to your "hornyness", I havent thought about that as a way of deescalating your hormones, I will try that. I usually stick to prayer, but maybe I need a more Bruce Lee style as you mentioned earlier.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2019, 09:26:53 AM »
thanks!..

Had the funniest experience when I woke up. My member was rock solid, and it had it's own agenda. = "Get as horny as possible so he does something about it"

But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

Basically talking him down and not being so reactive haha.. I have never done that,, like', spoken to him lol..  I rememeber laughing about it when I was up. crazy stuff right there :)

It's just to show I am becoming more aware. I like that!

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2019, 09:34:05 AM »
My problem for the moment is, these women writing me.. and as in they being hot as hell.
(my looks are good and I've never had issues getting women.. especially not via online)

so, I get responses for the ones I like for the most,, and they are rather receptive.
now here is the thing.. if they respond with something that can get my imagination going... just a little thing as ;

"Hello,Let's get  acquainted!, maybe we are a match, who knows?"
or getting a whatsapp number to practice language with her.

ouff man.. my member goes bananas.. I have a really hard time not being horny. It has nothing to do with watching P.
well, it's like I have even more hornyness than for a month ago. So my challenge is trying to calm down my feelings.
and try not to think so much in sexuality when I speak with these women..  I will give it my best. Dont want to fall into the trap of a quick release just because of future imaginations which has incredibly low odds of happening (meeting them and having sex with them).. I mean, it could happen but would require too much effort as things being.. travelling abourd etc.

focus = practice language. thats it!

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2019, 10:08:50 AM »
Simple solution: Talk to guys!

Also, which language are you going to learn?

OrangeSpider

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2019, 08:25:12 AM »
Quote
But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

this killed me!  ;D ;D ;D So its not only talking to your hornyness, but also to your penis; whatever works right! I will let you know if that works for me.

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2019, 09:36:07 AM »
Quick update.
Today, right now,, feeling it massively and being challenged as hell. The urges,, everything in my body is trying to get the to the point to Touch myself so I can stress off. . The only way I use to do it was with pmo. But I am a lot wiser and smarter now,, still.. signals of my body and what remembers lies deep and body is really strong. Its a fight of mind vs body right now.. and I feel I am in the middle of the fight.. being tossed back and forth between feelings and rational thinking.

I have not have this kind of urges to this degree to this date. Its hard not takng the easy way out (pmo). Releasing and giving in is so easy and so luring. But I have decided I am sticking to it, so I am.. My mind is just troubled with a lot of stress lately, and my body is trying to tell me to relax.
But releasing (that is what I name it,, giving into pmo and ejaculating).. wont solve any of my issues.. I know I would put shame on myself after and that would worsen my situation.

I am sticking in there, pmo is no option. Despite this being my absolute hardest day, i wont give in. I got this..   I will take a shower now and do something to get out the apartment.. take a walk some where. I hope this fight will stop today, its crazy.. dont want to be a part of this.

“Stick it out... u got this” is my note to self, while sitting here crying why things has to be like this. I dont get it.. didnt think i would get to this point and feel like this. I acknowledge that the struggle is a part if it.

“Go through the pain”.. ok, gotten a bit off my chest now, im glad. Distracted me for a bit there..
plan for now : meditate, shower, getout.

counter : may 24 / day 33
« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 09:38:23 AM by zazen »

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2019, 07:38:26 AM »
Proud of myself for not falling into the traps yesterday. It was a hard time, but I fought through...
fought through the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, loneliness, despair and a total confusing time in my life.

and for that, this post must include a I Have the Powerrr heman moment. I overcame strong urges. Important step for me.


I am thankful and I feel blessed being able to withstand.. despite going through hard times.
... for I know... after rain, comes sun. I believe in myself. I got this


going for day 40 now! lets do this!!!

counter : may 25 / day 34

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #19 on: Today at 07:33:47 AM »
nothing new, just a small update to keep myself accountable.

I am grateful that I acknowledge this as a slow and steady process (and in no way an easy one)... it will eventually be worthwhile.
I am grateful that I take it one day a time.
I am grateful that I am observant of my thoughts, feelings and actions as soon as triggers pop up.

Come to terms with that there are triggers everywhere.. they are totally unavoidable.. it's just how the world is mixed together now a days. More and more sexual commercials, women getting more and more screwed up looking for attention on media etc. I mean you can barely watch a youtube talent show without getting ** stuck into you'r face after 10 minuttes of watching.
This is just how it is... I cannot control that.

What I can do, is to my best ability to ;
1. acknowledge I am seeing something that excites me.
2. see it for what it is (something that is on a screen and not real)
3. appreciate it and let it go. simply step away or manage the lust by focusing else where.


Simply learning to control my self when triggers arise. If I'd want 0 triggers I would be have to live under a rock.. that is not going to happen. Better to learn how to self-control thoughts feelings and actions of one self. If any lust grows by continued watching, then my rule is to click away.. there is no benefit of hurting one self like that, proceed to watch something that teases you and could eventually fall into the trap.

This is what I am trying to regulate within myself, observe trigger, appreciate it's beauty, acknowledge it is not real, seeing it has no benefit for me right now, let it go.


was only suppose to journal this post by with an update of my counter.. I always end up writing more stuff. oh well.. If just one line could help just one person out there, then i will keep writing.
This is no easy journey.. should I make it, it would be great for everyone to see my complete diary with all my thought and tactics.

come to think of it, what is it to Make it?.. To achieve success with this.  The odds of falling back and relapsing are high..  I think I have to define what success is for me, otherwise it will be tough in hard time. I think for me it is to never let my guards down, and continually manage my thoughts and emotions on a day-by-day basis. I think addicts (of any sort) needs to fight daily and be vigilant towards any form of triggers and have a plan that replaces the usual addictive actions that follows. For me now,  I am coping by acknowledging as soon as I see a beautiful woman, and step away from it (the process I mentioned above). I have proved to myself that i've been diciplined and strong enough to follow this for 30some days. But what will happen on the days I am really high/low?.. What if my guards come down?.. not sure for now. I just down want to mess this streak up, so a lot of random thoughts come out here.

I know i'll be writing about pain at some point. will keep that for another post.. but think P was my escape to avoid the painful times of loneliness.. using it to relief my worries about my future.. thoughts of 'am I good enough to have a girlfriend that loves me'... feelings of low self-worth drowned by pixels,, that lead to even lower self destructive thoughts, doubt and lower self worth.
What a Vicious cycle....  What a sad way to treat one self.. Painful to think back how much stuff have hurt me.... but now, finally, I am breaking free from it. need to get over this period of flatline, so I can get back on track and build up confindence to live life again. For now, everything feels like being in a rut.. Its part of the journey I know.

ok i'll stop now.. see you all in 5 days for that magical 40 number.  I got this!



counter : may 26 / day 35