Author Topic: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain  (Read 2718 times)

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #75 on: September 23, 2019, 09:14:35 AM »


Ah, man, reading your last entries made happy! So much great progress on all fronts. And thanks for all your kind words! I'm happy, I could contribute to your journey. Your support is/was also greatly appreciated :)

I'm gonna comment on a few things, but I want you to remember that you are the expert for your situation, so I might be wrong about some stuff.

First off, I think it's great that you and M. have such a great chemistry from the get-go. You seem to want to have a serious relationship with her rather than a short fling. I think, both of us are similar in the sense that we contemplate a lot about the things in our life. Like you mentioned in group contexts that you have thoughts like "I should say something because I haven't spoken in 5 minutes" or so. With my partner, I had these thoughts a lot in the beginning and it stressed me a bit. Like, are we a couple now, are we 'just' dating, what are we, what do I tell other people? Instead of just enjoying each other. To this day (after a solid 6 months of dating), we still haven't talked about our relationship status but it's as enjoyable as ever. I pondered so many hours about my feelings, "do I love her?", "do I 'just' like her and am attracted to her?", "is this already love?", and stuff like that... Maybe these thoughts were necessary but they weren't helpful. It became really pleasent for me once I just accepted that I'm dating her and that I don't need to justify myself in front of anybody. In my mind, I fear that she and other people would expect certain things from me once we are officially together and that stresses me. For some reason, I can move more freely (so to speak) and express myself better when I don't feel external pressure on my shoulders. Of course, if she wanted to talk with me about it, I would have to take up position but action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? In my country we have a saying that goes something like "A man is measured by his actions rather than his words!" Now, I'm talking a lot about myself but what I was trying to say initially is just try to enjoy the time with her without making her your wife already in your mind or degrade her to 'just' a lover. I think, if you enjoy the time with her and make it as enjoyable for her without being a pleaser, you both will have a great time and then you will eventually see where your path leads and you will also know, if she is the woman of your dreams or just a temporary companion. You went on two dates so far, how would you know if you two match for a long term relationship (in real life not on tinder ;D).

Regarding the P: I think it will be critical for you in the long-run to eliminate the behaviour of watching p for a few minutes. You are keeping a small loophole for the addiction to creep back in. Right now, you are aware of the door and manage to fend it off but imagine what could happen, if something bad happens in your life, a personal crisis or something that demands your whole attention? It's a dangerous game and it also keeps the addiction alive. You are absolutely right: You made great strides, you unlocked 99% of all achievements of the game and that deserves some hearty pats on the back but don't forget, that 1% is missing and why not accomplish the last missing 1% in order to finish and complete the game? And then you can put it back in the box, you are done with it, you have seen and done it all, it's a thing of the past. You won't forget it and therefore you won't have to go back anytime soon. You haven't masturbated for 155 days, that alone is a massive accomplishment. You said it best, why wouldn't you be able to meet challenges of the last remaining task? You have one piece of the puzzle left... You just have to put in place and enjoy the picture.

The fact that you started crying while typing your entry made me smile. Look, man, your emotions that's only positive. You are living, you have feelings and it touches you because it means so much to you! How great is that? I don't know how it was for you before rebooting, but my emotions came back with full force and it felt like rebirth. Last week, one of my best friends told me that he landed his dream job. He was working to get it for almost two years and I've seen him putting in the work and that made me incredibly happy that I had to shed a tear as well while he excitingly reported it all to me... Whatever your goals are, small but consistent steps. You work out, you know how progress works. You can't bench press 250lbs on your first day of the gym. But you will get there with persistence and hard work.

I also want to congratulate you on deleting tinder. I had a conversation with my therapist about tinder/dating apps once. Perhaps, it's helpful to visualise what is happening there. Imagine getting to know a very interesting, nice, and sexy woman (M.) in a bar. You spend a great few hours together. After that you got to the next bar and talk to more women. Rinse and repeat. Of course, you will get to know more interesting women and you start to compare them and one has flaws where the other excels and vice versa but woman X has the best character but she is not the best looking and so on and so forth. It is not healthy. I'm not too experienced with dating but if I apply humanly sanity and reason, I'd advise you to focus on M. for as long as you feel like you like her and she does you good. You don't have to put all your eggs in her basket (that wouldn't be advisable either this early) but give her a chance and see where it takes you. Of course, guys are not happy in their relationships if they watch porn everyday. Of course, you won't be happy with M. in the long term when you compare her to possible new mates on tinder. Same mechanic. Endless novelty and where this leads, you know by now ;D Rather the sparrow in the hand than the dove on the roof. Meaning, focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. You've read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" didn't you? Somewhere in the book the author mentions that we live in a world of abundance and it's true. If M. turns out not to be Mrs. Right or something in that ballpark, there are plenty of single women left to be dated. They don't run anywhere. Same with work and other areas of your life. As long as you are able-bodied and able-minded to a certain degree, you have the power to change your situation to the better. Your reboot proves my case, doesn't it ;)

You are doing great and I wish you all the best. In any event, keep the ball rolling! I'm really happy about the new developments in your life  :)
eleven months clean and counting...

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #76 on: October 14, 2019, 05:46:04 AM »
starting this post with tears in my eyes... why?,, because I went back and read my old post. that I set a goal of not watching a single second of any stimulation until day 180... that is in 3 days... and I haven't watched a single second of ANY stimulation. Nothing at all. It makes me believe in myself.. that I can actually do it and overcome .. this.  Makes me stop right now, and just process it while tears are running down. shit.. a lot to take in.  deep breath in and lets move on.

love
M. So, as I mentioned I met that girl.. and we have been meeting up more and more.. Our connection is absolutely amazing together, nothing like i've ever met before. Maybe it's because she is from my original country as well.. but there is something really deep between us. We can laugh about anything and everything when we are together, we have amazing sex and she is all that I really want in a woman. So she makes me happy right now, and I know she is very happy for me as well. I feel loved. I am so thankful for experiencing this. This is what I wished for.  I always had a inner belief that I wasn't 'enough' to receive love.. maybe because of some childhood stuff. Well,....... fuck that.. I've given myself permission to give my love and receive love. Is it being vulnerable, hell yea.. but there is no one else I'd like to be vulnereable than with M. So love is going on the right track and I am so happy.. so happy about that. I treat her well and there is nothing more i'd like than to care for her.. and she recieves all my love with affection and thankfulness.. I can truly feel that she is really happy as well. We are still early in the process, and everything could happen - but for now, we are just enjoying each other and taking it slowly (even if everything seems like its going fast due to deep love connection).. we'll see where it goes =)

career
I am in the process of sticking my head out.. created linkedin again and taking online coarses and about to send job applications from next week. Seeing a former CEO and now a business coach, which is helping me incredibly much.. I am so grateful for have met him. I dont feel that much isolated any longer,, I am taking actionable steps towards getting job interviews, as this is what I want. I want to get back to a stable workplace with good people around me. It is coming to me,, I feel it.

pmo
as I mentioned. Not one single second of nothing.. not even being caught in the loop of seeing a hot woman and spending time watching her / others etc... no ,, if I saw a woman, I thought  'she is beautiful'.. but I didn't go after it. I chose not to spend my time on it. My afterthought was 'why should I be clicking onto this?.. will it serve me a purpose?.. will it make me have a connection with her?... do I want a connection with her?.. Do I want to actually do anything that would sabotage my relationship with M'?   .... In a splitsecond I answered all of those questions with a clear 'NO' and that made me not spend a single second of that. I have reached my goal. It is becoming clear to me, that becoming pmo-free / artificual stimulation-free  IS POSSIBLE.  I know I know, not taking this as 'im cured' or anything hehee... I am well aware the powers of the pixels, so I will forever stay vigilant. It's more likely that staying away from all of this is easier when life seems on a blue cloud. But what about when things are bad, then what - then, I will have tactics and procedures to follow.. I have a if-this-then plan. I feel confident in myself that I can do it.  And the crazy part is I actually had 5 months of hard-mode... and I did it because I told myself "I want to save it, until I have sex with a great girl" and that is exactly what I did...  She was very understanding because my initial times of intercoarse was quite,,ehmm,, shortly lived=) but after some times, we are just getting better at it.. and it is because I am being very communicative with her.. "what is it you like,, how do you feel when I do this.. do you like it when I do xyz".. this i feel is really important to establish a healthy and deep sexual relationship.  So I feel my sexual drive is becoming much more healthy, natural..  I am actually enjoying, desiring and hungry for her,, a real life woman in her 30s that had kids already - she is truly amazing and wouldnt want to switch her out with any of the "dolls" I use to fantasize about.

Thank you once again Pete for your insightful choice of words. It seems we are alike in many ways, I definetly think contemplate about the things in our lifes. I read your reply once a while and think through it.. it puts things into perspective. Today I especially focused on what you wrote here ;
"action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? "   ... This is exactly how I feel it as well, so I'll continue to let my actions speak and enjoy our time together.

and thank you thank you for reminding me about the P. you have no idea how much it helped, really ... I actually took the definite decision that very day I read your post .. to not watch a single second. I always wanted to do it, but your words sealed it and fired me up to take action. thank you!

Thank you for telling me its ok to have feeling. It hits hard.. I am a very masculine man on the outside but a lot of emotions are inside. So I feel truly grateful to have this platform to share all my thoughts and feelings,, and getting feedback on it is just amazing. You have a way with words that are really encouraging and are mind-shifting. Thank you for taking the time to reply, as I am learning a lot.  I have definetly done what you mentioned  "focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. " ,.... put my time on M, deleted all other women and pipe-dream stuff.. and honed in on making a better and stable structure in my life. Small steps towards the goal.

keeping the ball rollin!.. thanks



Goal

oh shit.. its 180 days already?.. holy crap that is 6 months!... imagine if I could go 7 months, 8... 9 .. 12?!..  can feel something squeeze around my heart while writing this and my stomache turn upside down. Not sure why...  maybe because I'm scared of letting go of something that was soo deeply ingrained in me. But I am here now aren't I?.. I've gone 6 month already goddammit.. so what the hell should stop me from going 1 year?!!..  so fuck it - i'm going to make a bold plan BUT with small steps towards my plan .......    funny how I didnt use the word goal now,,    there is no end-goal in this..... I should be using the word 'PLAN' from now on and not goal :D ..   ... so lets go! :

PLAN :
1. I chose to be completely pmo-free.. not watch a single second of anything from this very date > 17 November.  = 7 months in.
2. I chose to let go of hard-mode and if I feel like masturbation, that is ok (but only in the shower and with no stimulation at all.. and only with M in mind).
3. I will focus in on M and make a long-lasting relationship between us (cant remember when I even had that before.)  no more sex-flings for me.

The overall plan is to continue this process of not watching anything at all - I believe I can become totally free of stimulation going into year 2020.


grateful :

I am so grateful and happy that I am becoming more and more observant of my impulsive thoughts and the way I feel my body,, when it gets aroused, when it just becomes super radiant and want to pursue that something.. I am thankful that I can talk with kindness and compassion to myself and guide myself into a path, that is more beneficiary to me in the long run. I hope and keep the faith that I'll be able to continue this. Today I will pray and ask for strength to continue this path.





Pmo-free   .      October 14   .      Day 177

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #77 on: October 22, 2019, 05:30:30 PM »
keepin the streak going.. not seeing M before sunday, as she had planned going a weekend holiday with a girl friend of hers.
... thing is, today has been quite active with suggestions after getting home and all tired.

The suggestions are like a whispering voice,, not quite there - but there..like a shadow telling you kindly to do something which is forbidden...  I guess the reader knows what im talking about here.

I came here to write instead of taking action of something id regret. i promised myself not to take action on anything at all.....

The suggestions came after seeing a news-website,, and a p-star was mentioned.. I clicked the news, and then I started hearing the voices "hey..go on.. you can just search for her name" I could feel my body getting aroused - but I shut it down.  Then after half an hour or so, it started again "psst.. search for the titlex*" ....  and my body starting getting aroused again, just by the thought/whisper - of me searching for some x-rated stuff. other suggestions came up... "hey, its just to watch it for a bit... you could learn so much,  new sexual positions which you can do with M"....   as if i've never watched P in my life before or had sex *eyeroll right now heh^*

Nahh..  I didn't go there...... I hurried up in here, and to write an update, and im going to bed in 5min from now. Not having any of that stuff, just because my body feels tired. I am not going to sabotage any of my process or introduce any fakery stuff, which eventually will destroy the natural sexual thing i've built up with M. Not having any of that.

but I do feel a strong need for sexual stimulation, or.. just having sex with M. I am just going to stick it out till sunday.
Our sexual is really good.. we both love it, and it couldnt be better. So I reaaally look forward to seeing her again.

- thankful -
I am thankful for not taking action despite feeling the arousal, feeling how much the suggestions wishes me to chase that 'forbidden fruit'. I am thankful I rerouted here, as an auto-pilot when alarms are going off, where I can spill my inner thoughts, instead of doing something id regret later. I am thankful for you, taking the time to read this post. I wish you the best in your journey.


over and out.. hittin the bed
all the best


Pmo-free   .      October 23   .      Day 187
come here 17th november - I got you.. i will be 7month pmo-free!! nothing can stop me

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #78 on: October 23, 2019, 05:35:27 AM »
That is an excerice we will have to practice over and over again. You know how it goes, the sooner you stop, the sooner you don't act on these thoughts (better yet dont even start in the first place) the easier it will be to snap out. Personally speaking, these urges have almost become nonexistant for me but they still occur from time to time. Looking up Pornstar XYZ is the most common thought. My brain tells me to do it, I ponder about it 2-3 seconds and the come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be the best of ideas and then carry on with my day. The more you successfully practice this excercise, the better you get at it. No difference to bench press or chin ups ;).

Good job and carry on! :)
eleven months clean and counting...

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #79 on: November 17, 2019, 03:44:40 PM »
month 7.

things are going well with me and M, and our connection is getting stronger.. we are almost 3 months in our relationship, and everything is loving and well.
We are planning to take a trip together soon.

still have the occasional peek-moments.. then I break out of it. But its the same pattern. I feel lust (mostly after been together with M and had sex).. and since we live apart and I can just go to her place and have sex with her,,, then I feel lustful being alone.. what to do about it.. peek a bit, just to get aroused.. until my senses kick in and I realise it will sabotage everything.. Thankfully I have not been to any point of masturbating, so i'll continue the streak - but these occasional peeks still annoy me. I am 7 months in, and this month i've peeked like 3-4 times and that is a no-go for me. I dont feel proud of that. Sure I cant take away that I haven't MO to anything of that sort for 7 months, but still.. I would like to take it a step further.

another thing I can see is the occasional peek at instagram. I tend to click on beautiful women and wish for a more beautiful girl. This thought can sabotage my relationship to M for sure!.. That desire to have a 'prettier one'..  Like I need to showcase how pretty of a woman I have,, instead of sticking to all of the original qualities of M which I fell for.. she is amazing as a person, so loving and kind and very beautiful as well. and we have a great time together.. I have never laughed with a girl like that.. she is so funny.  So what is this stupid desire of wanting that instagram model-like barbie thing.... I feel sad that I have felt the need to look at these things, just because me and M only see each other once a week. I know I have a lot of passion and sexual drive, and M is all up for it - but we just dont have enough of it.. and then im left there alone.

I dont know.... Im sticking in there. I might delete my instagram. no actually, I am doing it right now.. fuck it.
...its done. I deleted instagram permanently. "M" is more valuable to me than planting a single seed of a 'prettier one out there' .. pipe dreams as Pete says.

Now I just need to find a solution to the occasional urges. Its not often they come,, and I close it rather quickly - but the habit is kinda still there.
I do keep busy with a lot of gym on a daily and I've started sending out job-applications - hopefully im landing a nice job soon as well.

so yea.. things are slowly progressing.. I could be more proud, but I am not taking away anything. I have attracted love in my life and she genuinely cares for me so I'm happy about that. Next up is landing a nice job - and see what I can do when the urges come.

I will pray after this post, that I can become even stronger and take the next step. I need this for me, and the relationship with M. I dont want to be lonely in my life. I need love and affection from a caring and loving woman, and M is all that - and I dont want to fuck it up.



Pmo-free   .      Nov 23   .      Day 217 (7 months in yahh)

zazen

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Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Reply #80 on: November 25, 2019, 04:03:45 PM »
still keepin it up. no peeking no nothing since last post. I made some changes to not have my laptop near me when I go to sleep. the issue was I woke up late at night and couldnt sleep.. had a few instances where I peeked and shut it down. It wasn't ok, as my goal was not to have a minute of peeking. I didn't hit that goal, but okej.. I shut it down and became aware of the situation, and made the sufficient changes. I will get there eventually.

was with M the last couple of days and its going really good. We will be together for 3 months in next week, and we have a great relationship.

and today was my first day at a job-interview...    damn, its been 7 months ,, kinda makes me sad of 'wasting' life. but hey.. gotta look ahead and go forward strong from here. no point in looking back and making myself miserable. Good things I have a beautiful and loving girl in my life, and i fixed my CV and stuff and sending applications.. and will hopefully land a job any time soon. That will surely improve my overall life situation, as I can begin saving up money and such.

Pmo-free   .      Nov 25   .      Day 219