Author Topic: Reboot...  (Read 3007 times)

Pete McVries

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #75 on: April 22, 2019, 02:31:16 AM »
I need to read that book one day. So many rebooters that I appreciate have recommended it over the years. Fingers crossed that your PIED gets better! It's crazy, that for so many rebooters cleavages and nude scenes in movies are such a big trigger. Personally, I can just say, that they don't trigger me that much because P was such a different animal for me. My triggers only really revolve around P related stuff. I tried to read a journal in the 40s section the other day and the guy was talking about torrenting P. I never torrented P but I torrent in general. So, my brain was lighting up like crazy and I even went to search for a p related term on a torrent search engine before I managed to get my senses back. It's so crazy, how different triggers work for different people. Just stay away from this stuff for good but I think you got it all figured out :)

Take care!
Eight months clean and counting...

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #76 on: April 26, 2019, 12:10:54 PM »
It’s strange that there can be such a crossover effect even if it’s different content. For you it’s torrents. For me it’s memes- I’ve discovered this week that they are a grey area or middle circle that I should just avoid.  Usually just humorous but many inappropriate and salacious and the constant novelty of scrolling through many on FB is too similar to P. It seemed like the start of a downward spiral. Caught myself checking out girls yesterday too, not in the interest of making personal connections, more of an objectifying way. Not my best day. Down with a cold right now and the house to myself so trying to keep on the straight and narrow. Restless mind and body both today. Had a bj with mediocre response, maybe 60%. Discouraging but i really just want to finish this weekend clean and healthy.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #77 on: April 28, 2019, 08:42:44 PM »
Well, here it is, the end of the weekend. My wife is back from her weekend seminar, and I’m still clean. Not quite back to healthy yet. I watched a surprising amount of tv while trying to deal with this cold but mostly old classics I have not seen - Indiana Jones 1-3 and some mindless stuff like Friends. I haven’t sat idle that long (1.5 days of resting!) for a while and it seemed like a waste so today I did a bit more. Back to work soon. Probably back to the gym also.

On the reboot side of things, after last week it seems like I need to guard my eyes a bit more. I was doing ok for a while not checking out girls too much but caught myself watching the server in the restaurant last week and that shows me I have not changed too much yet. Still objectifying women. I mean she was attractive but I wasn’t about to go talk to her. My thoughts on this are, the first look is not my fault. Anything after that is on me and usually gets the brain involved and all kinds of lusting which is not helpful to a reboot. Usually I try to keep a tight lid on that sort of thing. I’m open to suggestions about how others deal with this.

Those were the ‘cons’ from last week. The ‘pros’ were that the new habits I’ve built over last year held firm- a weekend home with ample opportunity to screw up, but no temptations to PMO.
I’ll take that as a win.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #78 on: May 07, 2019, 08:52:39 PM »
Checking in - still humming along. Re-wiring this weekend had mixed results, even with some pharmaceutical help but we still had a good time. Still not sure if it’s PIED or performance anxiety. Probably both. This morning was amazing, and frustrating. We shared a quick cuddle before starting the day and the dick was at attention! 0-100, and stayed around for a while. As if the brain were saying, ‘I know you’ve got plans and there’s no chance for sex - no worries, I’m gonna work properly at this inconvenient moment.’ That makes me think PA. Anyway, the equipment works, this was well after the cial*s had left my system. Just need some more reliability. And yeah, my girl was impressed. Heck, I was too. 
No other triggers or temptations. Porn is not an option, it’s totally off my radar.
I actually thought I might be flatlining after the weekend, a couple Os and just not much drive to check people out, also pretty tired lately.  But not totally dead, obviously. The only other factors lately are quality time outdoors and working out -always cheer me up.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #79 on: May 16, 2019, 11:03:41 AM »
Just a quick post today to say I’m still in this. No obvious changes or updates to be seen. No triggers, urges or re-wiring either. Just a busy stretch of work and messed up sleep schedule.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #80 on: May 28, 2019, 12:57:20 PM »
Not much new going on here (I feel like a broken record writing that). Lots of introspection.
I find I spend a lot of time in my head lately, not as a new thing but I’m more aware of it and the need to stop. I get lost in thought easily and it’s not deep thoughts, it’s standing there staring into space. I expected meditation might help me focus but I need to be more strict with myself. My mind wanders, especially during meditation. I guess that is the next goal. It’s not all the time, like I can focus pretty well on critical tasks at work but it seems to be only for short times.
Also worth noting is that I can’t seem to stay off my phone. Screen time is a vice and affects my sleep. As in, I stay up reading articles (even if it’s good stuff on here) when I should be sleeping and as a result am not sleeping enough. Even when I’m bored I keep checking it, checking FB, news, whatever. It’s like when you can’t decide what to eat and keep looking in the fridge hoping something interesting will appear. It never does.

Sorry to rant. This is what i have seen in me lately and should work on improving. So the other good habits I’ve worked to establish are hanging in there, exercise 3-4 times a week and decently healthy diet. But half-hearted meditation and sleep need improvement. Emotions are pretty stable (never been excitable) with maybe a slightly shorter fuse. Confidence ok not amazing. Socializing still lacks. Have worked with some different workmates lately so that was nice but not much else, no social outings just to meet people or visit.

Still clean, avoiding P, M, and substitutes. Last re-wiring was about 10 days ago and pretty typical. Not where I want to be (functionally speaking), but nice to enjoy the release with her. I guess worth mentioning is that I stumbled across some old reruns on tv and didn’t shut it down. An 80’s show made seemingly to objectify beautiful people - complete with camera pans lingering on personal assets. Friggin baywatch. Nothing came of it but wow, what a gratuitous show. Also, with the nicer weather, it takes more work to not check people out on the street in real life.

I feel like I’ve plateaued, not seeing much change and kinda getting bored of this. I will not go back to using P but I can’t figure out what needs to change. Besides more sleep haha. With the warmer weather, getting enough fresh air and working outdoors is rewarding and easy to come by.

 Input welcomed

OrangeSpider

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #81 on: May 29, 2019, 10:53:02 AM »
Quote
Lots of introspection.
something where I need to do much better.

Quote
Even when I’m bored I keep checking it, checking FB, news, whatever.
same here man.

Quote
I will not go back to using P but I can’t figure out what needs to change.
Its a process of discovery we are all in.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #82 on: May 29, 2019, 10:17:24 PM »
Hey OrangeSpider,
Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, the introspection can be helpful but I feel like I’m living in my own head and on autopilot the rest of the time. I want to be living life in the moment not constantly ruminating on what just happened. I feel like I almost try to keep to myself and avoid social contact (not on purpose) because that’s been my game for years. Ashamed of PMO, and burying it deep so nobody finds out. And avoid drawing attention to myself.  Just my theory, but it seems like I’ve trained my self not to connect with people so it is difficult to make friends or be in social situations. So this is all new territory- trying to be more raw and personable and make connections with people, and I have to learn how.
Like you said, it’s a journey of discovery. 100% true.

I have a short update I’ll add here, no more than a date stamp for me to keep track of. Intimacy last night, PE without direct stimulation. Still dead dick. No chaser/triggers today.

Pete McVries

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #83 on: May 30, 2019, 08:57:29 AM »
Ashamed of PMO, and burying it deep so nobody finds out. And avoid drawing attention to myself.

Have you told anyone close to you about your addiction? It helped me a lot to do it.
Eight months clean and counting...

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #84 on: May 30, 2019, 09:26:43 PM »
Yes, have told my wife. She was not concerned at all. Kind expects that most guys PMO. By the same token kind of downplayed the impact p can have on me. So doesn’t really see Pied as being P related. Just as ED.  Besides her and here, have not felt comfortable telling anyone. I don’t feel like I can tell my family. Call it pride or not wanting to disappoint my parents- by and large I am a perfectionist. And I feel like this among other things is death by a thousand cuts. Not measuring up to the expectations I think they have. That’s right, the expectations I think they have. I feel judged on things that haven’t been outright defined. This is fucked.
So there’s that and the fact I feel like some social part of me just never developed. PMO related or not, this has come to light lately. I just don’t find it easy to talk to people. My industry is dominated by type A, super confident, cool kids. I have never been any of that.

My intention is not to wallow in self pity. This is an honest attempt at figuring out how I got ‘here’ to who I am. Then getting to where I want to be. Or at least accepting who I am. So thank you for this sounding board and helpful replies. Much heavy thinking in progress.


MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #85 on: May 31, 2019, 08:06:24 AM »
Hey OrangeSpider,
Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, the introspection can be helpful but I feel like I’m living in my own head and on autopilot the rest of the time. I want to be living life in the moment not constantly ruminating on what just happened. I feel like I almost try to keep to myself and avoid social contact (not on purpose) because that’s been my game for years. Ashamed of PMO, and burying it deep so nobody finds out. And avoid drawing attention to myself.  Just my theory, but it seems like I’ve trained my self not to connect with people so it is difficult to make friends or be in social situations. So this is all new territory- trying to be more raw and personable and make connections with people, and I have to learn how.
Like you said, it’s a journey of discovery. 100% true.

I have a short update I’ll add here, no more than a date stamp for me to keep track of. Intimacy last night, PE without direct stimulation. Still dead dick. No chaser/triggers today.

I know exactly what you mean about training yourself not to connect with people. I am the same way. Admittedly, I have almost no friends I talk to on a regular basis, though I'm married and have a child. Keep it up though man, change is hard, but is inevitable with small steps.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #86 on: June 03, 2019, 09:16:47 PM »
Thanks for the response Mater. Having young kids definitely will change how often one gets to be with friends. But change is inevitable it seems.

A quick update: more positive thoughts this weekend and being just plain busy, less dissecting my past and worrying like the last couple posts. Pretty good balance of work and some fun family things too. Not much on the rebooting front. Still find myself checking people out all the time. Not staring so I guess just normal.
 Carry on with the process. Cheers

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #87 on: June 25, 2019, 09:21:58 AM »
Well. Long time, no post.  I’ve been busy living, I guess. Working, family things- same as everybody else. And a vehicle failure, so shopping for a new one took SO much time. I was shocked how much time it chewed up over the past couple weeks.
Still free of PMO. I’d say its about 2 weeks of no O also. I don’t remember and haven’t been journaling regularly. Just a busy stretch for my lady and I. I have slipped away from meditating daily and less frequent with exercise. Skipping the gym tends to be part of the ‘summer slide’ when I get busy or leave on vacation. Regular schedules run amok. No noticeable changes with the reboot except one- I feel like it’s a bit easier to socialize these days. I mean, most of my interactions outside of family are with workmates (there’s a comfort factor there, after a while). Vehicle shopping is definitely a conversation topic so that helps too but I feel a bit more confident and at ease with myself and around others. Still awkward, I find I stammer a lot. The other issues I’m trying to change are still there, view everyone as a person and not just check to see if they are hot. PIED or PA still huge factor. Besides that, life is good. Family is well, lots of time together outside, and soon I will have a reliable vehicle again.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #88 on: July 08, 2019, 09:00:21 PM »
Checking in, maintaining status quo. No P or M, nor any desire for any. Still semi regular Os with my lady. No sex although it seems like pied maybe fading (ever so) slightly, handies or bjs recently. Or PE, still frequently. Pe doesn’t seem to ruin opportunities later that day for me, based on last week. Not completely dead or flatline - hasn’t been so noticeable, whereas before I really felt sluggish after release. Not sure any of this even makes sense but seems like small progress finally after 17 months of no P M. And yes I still come across incidental sex scenes in movies. Hard to completely avoid those for me.
No other tangible changes lately besides updated vehicle. Started working out a bit more often, meditating and enjoying life. I have a technical exam coming up at work, been moderately stressed about that. I’m sure it will get worse as that gets closer. But I’ll be more qualified and there is a monetary incentive to it so it’s important. One other thing, I’ve been really thankful for my wife lately, no reason in particular just enjoying her. I guess my mindset/outlook is on an upswing, this seems to happen every so often. And vacations coming. Busy fun times.
It would be great to not check out every single person near me (or on screen) everyday. I swear it’s a reflex now, a side effect of using porn, a learned response, urge to look, whatever. Not sure how much is built in but could probably tone it down. That’s still my biggest complaint, besides pied. Brain training is hard.

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #89 on: August 05, 2019, 09:38:52 PM »
Wow, nearly a month since last update. Been seeing some improvements with less pe lately. I’d say pied is less crippling but still a (major) factor. My lady and I have had lots of leisurely time together this year, more than usual so I’d say that’s helping. And still doing some meditations and trying to be mindful of the moment I’m in. So easy to drift through the days on autopilot.
Moderate stress seems to be the theme of this summer. Vehicle failure (bought a new one), promotional exam (passed A+), but now the family dog is terminally ill. Explaining the problems to young kids and making the decisions has been a strain to say the least. Not going to lie, it all hurts. We’ve had this dog since we were engaged and we’ve all been through a lot together. While it’s not completely set and done she is looking worse and we’ll have to decide when to end it to minimize suffering and maximize enjoyment for the hound.

Besides that, it’s been a good (P M free) summer so far!

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #90 on: August 22, 2019, 07:46:53 PM »
This month has been all over the place but atleast there has been no porn. Less stress lately too although our pet did meet its end and that was sad. Did some traveling and saw some beautiful scenery - rugged countryside and such. Trying to focus on the enjoyment in those moments to normalize dopamine.
On the reboot front, a couple changes to tactics. Or slips, not sure. As the morning woods return, the temptation for old habits is there too. I fapped one morning. No visual or fantasy, just to sensation, and honestly it wasn’t that great. So no desire to start that habit again. It’s not constructive for me at this time and most likely will lead back to seeking porn or sexy pics (which is still porn).
The other change is I’ve kinda given up policing how I look. Checking out real people and even scrolling through online memes. Ive posted about how I consider memes before, the scrolling activity is very similar to how we viewed porn and the content is questionable. Very middle circle to me. For some reason I’m back there. All in all it seems like I’m coasting right now and not working at the reboot.

Lero

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #91 on: August 23, 2019, 09:34:00 AM »
That's right, man. No searching for porn material no matter how we feel. How we feel is "life". Porn promises soothing for our problems but is it true?

Edit_undo

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Re: Reboot...
« Reply #92 on: August 25, 2019, 06:57:28 AM »
Thanks Lero-
I have never found porn to be soothing or stress relieving. More or less just something that felt good at the time, until I realized the problems it caused for me. Some definitely caused by porn and some where porn may have been a factor. Enough for me to never go back.