Author Topic: Tice Reboot Journal  (Read 655 times)

Tice

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Tice Reboot Journal
« on: October 07, 2019, 11:43:31 AM »
Hey everyone,

I came to this forum cause like anybody else here I have a problem. I feel to embarrassed to talk about it to anyone in the real world and recently I felt the need to just share my story. Even if its just to clarify things for myself.

So here goes. (trigger warning: I will go into detail a bit)

I am a 31 year old male. My life is in a good place. Nice job, good house, good family relations and next year I am marrying the most amazing woman I have ever met.  Everything is going good except for one thing: I watch porn, and I feel like it controls me.

In the part of Europe where I live porn isn't very much frowned upon. The attitude is that everybody watches it and sometime or another and it's nothing one should be ashamed of.
For the first 10 years of watching porn (I first saw it when I was 12) I never thought of it as a problem. If I felt an urge I would get behind the computer and take care of it. It's what everybody does!

When I moved out of my parents house I started watching more. It was a bit of a daily ritual. After a day of work I would come home and watch porn and usually also one more time before bed. I started developing a taste for certain kind of porn and actresses (mainstream stuff) It became a thing I really looked forward too. Still, I thought of it as a normal thing that everyone does.

The first time things got complicated was with my first girlfriend. I met her at age 21 and lost my virginity with her. Our sex life was always satisfying.
We lived in different cities and she would come by only on the weekend. Usually saturday evening. On these saturdays, before she would come by, I was in a conflict with myself; I wanted to save my sexual energy for my girlfriend but I had a really hard time not to watch porn and climax.
Our relationship lasted for 5 years and 90% of the time I was able to save my sexual energy by watching porn but not climaxing. It never affected my sex life with her, but I did find it strange how even knowing that I would have real world sex that night wouldn't stop me from wanting to watch porn.

When I was single again I went back to watching porn on almost a daily basis. I also started fantasising about visiting prostitutes that looked like pornstars. I switched out porn sites for contact sites for prostitutes. I got very into watching porn with actresses that would also escort, I would read stories from people that have visited them and I always researched what was out there on the market.

Eventually I took the step and visited a prostitute, in the following 2 years I would do it 4 more times. I also got into webcamgirls cause I saw that as a digital version of a prostitute. I was never to proud of any of this but I also thought it would make a great story some day and you only regret the things you have never done etc. etc.

4 years ago I met my fiancee, after meeting her I didn't watch porn for I think 4-5 months. After that I slowly started falling back into old habits.
Nowadays I find it a challenge to go a week without porn. I sometimes watch it at work, whenever I am alone in the house I see opportunity and when my fiancee goes on business trips I allow myself to fully indulge. I don't visit prostitutes but I do still look at their ads and very few times I will chat with webcamgirls.

All this happens but I don't want it to happen. I find it an annoying urge that gets in the way of my other interests. It distracts me from my work and I feel like it can totally dominate my mind for days. The only antidote seems to be watching porn and then I can be good for a couple of days but the urge always comes back.

So now here I am. I'm getting married next year and I want to fix this for good. I tried many times to stop before and have been relatively succesful (2-3 months without porn) I thought quitting smoking was the hardest habit I have ever broke but this feels so much more difficult. It feels like the longer I abstain myself the harder it gets.

I want to start a journal on this site but before I do I want to talk to some people who share the same difficulties. I have never before looked for help in this area and I am completely new to any of this so I would like to get some handles to help me on my journey.

So if anyone can tell me anything, I would love to hear it. If you have questions, feel free to ask and if you just recognise yourself in my story I would love to hear it too!

Thankyou





« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 12:43:49 PM by Tice »

Tice

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Re: Tice Reboot Journal
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2019, 01:10:08 PM »
After writing my first post I decided to truly work on giving up porn. So welcome to my journal!

Just the act of writing out my problem made me more conscious of it and gave me new energy to try and stop.
This was very necessary because the last few months I felt my need intensify. I felt more powerless and started developing some new tastes especially around webcam sites. Honestly, this scared me. I don't want this to dominate my life.

I am on day 2 now and things have been going well. Yesterday and today I had a lot of home alone time but I did not feel any strong urges.
I also feel a bit more in touch with my emotions, both the good and the bad. Last night I got very stressed out about my future but this morning I felt profound thankfullness for the good things in my life. Normally I don't feel emotions that strongly.

Apart from not watching porn I also try to stay away of what I consider porn related habits. I just to have a lot of sexual thought about female coworkers or pretty girls in the streets. When these thought come now I notice them more and take them not too seriously. This I have found to be a lot easier than expected.

I'm happy to have 2 days down but am also aware that the hard work is still to come. When those days come i'll be sure to write back here.

In the meanwhile, if anyone has any comments or advice, I would love to hear it.

Pete McVries

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Re: Tice Reboot Journal
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2019, 05:08:11 PM »
The 30s sections is a bit quiet nowadays. I Just wanted to wish you all the best in your journey and congratulate you for your decision to quit watching porn. There are so many benefits you will experience if you start abstaining from PMO successfully.

I recommend you to read The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. It's an excellent book that's a bit different in comparision to Gary Wilson's YBOP book (recommended nevertheless!).

If you have any "newbie" questions always feel free to ask. Also delete your webcam accounts asap (if you have any), block contact to webcam girls (if you have any) and even consider using a blocker to block pornsites/webcam sites in general. It's not necessary but it definitely helps. Most people (me included) could get around a blocker in a few minutes but just having one in place, making the final commitment that porn is out of the equation, helped me not going back ever again.

Take care!
nine months clean and counting...

Tice

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Re: Tice Reboot Journal
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2019, 04:53:29 AM »
Hey Pete,

Thanks for your reply. Is there any blocking software you could recommend for a phone?

Tice

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Re: Tice Reboot Journal
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2019, 03:44:55 AM »
Today marks the first week of being porn free. I have not watched porn or masturbated this whole week. The only sexual activity I have had has been with my fiancee.

More than other times when i stopped I realise now how much it acts like an addiction. I used to think that I watched porn because I simply had a physical need to ejaculate. It just seemed like a tension would build up over a few days and then I would take care of it.
Now I see that this has almost nothing to do with it, if I have sex in the morning I can feel a strong craving for porn that same afternoon.

I also noticed how it has a numbing effect, emotionally the last week has been a little rough. Feeling like there is no getting away from my emotions. I try to counteract this a bit by doing fun sporty activities with friends. This helps a lot with taking my mind of things for a while.
The coming weeks I will also get back into doing more excersise. It is something I very much enjoy and I hope it can take the place of porn in my life.

Right now, the urges are becoming pretty strong. It's so strange, in a tough moment I think of some fantasy and I feel like that would make everything better even though it never has improved anything in my life. It's so strange how the mind can work.
Despite the urges I still feel confident i'm handling it. I am still constantly aware of triggers, trying to not let my mind wander of into areas where it shouldn't. And writing here helps me focus on what I am doing.

So far, it has mostly been hard work. I have not at all experienced any upsides like being more focused or feeling happier but I know that will come later. The one thing I am happy about is that I am taking control of this and that I am not letting my weakness run my life. And that is worth a lot.

Anyway, on to the next week!