Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 25487 times)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #250 on: June 14, 2019, 03:13:50 AM »
So day 2

What happend?

Short story, because I need to go soon,and I have already penned it down on paper.

For one month I been bitter, I have controlled myself, I have been where I was as a child. Walls up, and did not let anyone or anything inside. I have had heard a silent voice inside me crying for help. Far away and I don't wanted to take it to my heart. Because I sort of know what I need to do. And that's is hurting me.

When the walls a up, and I do like this, I just kill time. Have been filling my days up with activities, and been so tired I just had no energy to PMO.

Sleep been bad for this month.

I took a deep breath and started to deal with this bitterness and heal from it. I did, find it, and I released it and I felt joy and happiness again. It felt good.

But as I was there, I felt I did not was valuable enough to have a good life. I mean, if my mom and dad don't even talk to me or want to be my friend, it must be something really wrong with me. And I felt something inside me made me start to make life bad. So I ended up with PMO just so I could feel bad again. And sure be that bad person my parants act like I am.

And this is the hard difficult pain and hurt feelings I need to deal with.

I need to tell my mom that I love her. And at the same time tell her I can't be with her. I know she will be sad, I know she will feel hurt. But that's what I need to do. That is what I am running from. I don't want to be with her becuse she is hurting me over and over again.

Just like dad and ex wife did. And I need to put this to an end once for all.

I thought and hoped I didn't need to do this, that I just could stop seeing her until I felt better. But as usual, I need to take the first step. And that is what I am so mad about. I always need to be the grown up, I always needed to say sorry, even if it wasn't me. Becuse I am the oldest. I should know better, I am the good boy. Etc.

That's was what killed my marriage, she did never took any steps to solve any problems. She waited for me to make the necessary steps and plan to solve it. Why? So she didn't need to be responsible.

My ex-friend did that too, when I did make the steps to talk to her and solve everything, she felt loved and it was all good.

They do this so I can help them feel good about themselves.

That's my rescue mission in life. My script.

I have told my mom this years ago, she took it and listened to me. But she didn't really understood how, what and why. She just act like she did before but when she realize she is on the game. She shut me out becuse she thinks she need to do that. So she do the same thing but know she recognize when she is in the situation, and she don't know how to come away from it.

That's when I tell her. I'm sad becuse she don't want to do what needed to come away from that pit.

So need to accept it what it is. She will be in that pit, she want to stay there. And I need to love her for that.

Don't love her for her, but for me. To not be bitter.

And the same is with my cheating ex wife. I need to accept what is, and let her live her life. I can't be bitter becuse she did what she did. I need to love her as a she is, and let go. Noth for her, but for me. So I can feel good and happy. And don't need to walk with this pain inside of me.

So the next step is, how should I tell my mom?

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #251 on: June 18, 2019, 03:36:24 PM »
Day 1 done. And 15 hours.

I need to tell you something I did this weekend. I attended a new seminar about self development, and during the weekend several entrepreneurs asked questions about if you are where you want to be in you life. And what behaviors you wanna change. Don't focus on the results, focus on the behaviors.

Some did show videos from their lives and it made me vulnerable. I felt I missed the love they had to each other. They did what they did for their families. And that mad eme feel I missed something in my childhood. That calm and safe atmosphere, a family I could play and have fun with. To enjoy life with.

It never been like that and I felt sad. Also I felt, I want to have that life. I want to make it. I got motivated.

Also some week ago I did some homework for the group therapy and I realized that my mentor, they one I looked up to, when u was a kid, was my grandfather. And I also felt alot of appreciation for what granddad and grandmother did for me. I felt safe, at their house and that's why I wanted to be at their place in the summers. I didn't feel safe and calm at home, with mom. As I did with them.

I started to cry when I understood all this, and I felt that I really wanted to tell them how I felt. So after the seminar, I drove directly to their place and told them this. And said thank you.

My granddad is really bad at being genuine with his feelings and often look the TV instead of talk and get to about things. He ask the commin things. About the car, job and all that. When I did get his attention, when he did go to the kitchen to get a sandwich, I stopped him and said I had a goal to visit them that day. And I told him that he is the superman I been looking up to and I thanked him for what he have done. And I did give him a big hug.

He is really really bad at emotions, he didn't know what to do. He felt loved and it was long time he got that I guess. Genuine real love. I started to cry like a baby when I hold him, and I couldn't stop, I couldn't let go. It was so intense. It was like my little boy inside said. Don't leave me.

He couldn't hug back like that, and he laughed and said that I was strangle him and he needed to breath. He had so much difficulty to take in all that love, that he tried to "push" me away without using his arms.

He couldn't say anything, he said he needed to go to sleep. He locked him inside again.

My feelings and emotions that I had approved myself to show, did start to stiff up again and I felt how he did let go of me emotionally.

I did se that, he didn't do that, becuse he don't love me. I did see that he did that becuse he have not done the work I have done the past years with my emotions. And I saw that he did what he believed he could do for me as I kid. Even if I know they all could do more if they wanted to learn and deal with their fears and problems.

I did leave, with mixed feelings. One that I was so happy for being truthful, and showing my emotions in a family where emotions is not allowed. And I felt sad. Becuse I saw how they hold it in. And I was sad that he couldn't let go too and cry in my arms. I felt that he wanted, I felt he needed, but his fears didn't allowed him to do it. And he took a step back.

But hey, I can't be mad. It's probably long time ago he felt like that. Or maybe even the first time? What shall I expect? Nothing. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I wanted to say what I felt.

I also noticed and got more evidence, where my low self esteem come from. When I Thanked him. And was honest with him. That he been a good granddad. He did joke about I was unlucky to have him, and it wasn't anything to thank for. And he tried to avoid the feelings of being good. He had hard difficulty to take it to his heart.

Maybe I gave him something new to think about. Or he felt some new emotions and he didn't know what to do. I did sort of same thing with my brother for some years ago. And he said he never felt that love before. He did cry out in my chest and he just got it all out. It made his life switch.

I told my grandma about how I felt about mom, she had really difficulty to talk about it. I told her I have a plan and I tried to explain. She used the same excuses about they have not read so much as I have about emotions. And she said that probably mom and I a miss communicating.

I said. It's not about that. And explained it like this.

Imagine you offer me a cup of the, I say yes and you give me it in a blue cup. But I want it in a red one.
Instead of giving me the in a red cup, you start to cry about not being thankful enough to say yes to the offer, and that you have give up so much for be able to give me the, and keep going about hos sad it is about you becuse I want it in a different cup. And every time I say. It's. It about how much I love you, and it's not about I'mot thankfull. The red one cup is mine, and someone gave it to me, and its a big cup, makes me feel cozy, the blue is small and I don't like that. and the red makes me enjoy this time with you more!
But you keep nagging about it and every time I visit you keep giving me the blue cup.

Grandma laughed and said. If it was me, I would stop drinking the at that place.

I don't know if she realized what she really said. Becuse that's exactly the same thing I have done. I have stopped talking to my mom exactly like grandma would have stopped drinking the the. So she don't need to bother and feel sad every time. It's a way to be friends...

Now I felt heavy. I feel sad, becuse it is was it is. And I don't want it like this. And I am forced to live like this. Becuse just like my ex wanted it like this. And never did anything about it, my mom is the same.

I don't want to change them, and I don't want them to change me.


I remember one time my ex made me angry and sad, I told her and she did not say sorry. She did like my mom do now. And I asked my ex. Do you want it like this? Yes she said.

I knew she didn't, but she did not wanted to solve it neither. So I played with her for one week. Didn't say a word to her and was short in my sentences, I was clear to show that the conflict will not end becuse we just play happy. And I have no problems to live your life to prove that it's not a good way to live a life.

It took 6 days for my ex to finally say. "I don't want it like this"
I replied, yes you do. You did made this conflict from nothing, I wanted to sort it out, but you did go to sleep and played tired. I asked you the day after if you want to live like this, and you said yes..

She had difficulty to take all that to heart to. We sorted things out for a time and she started all over again a week later.

Exactly the same behavior as my mom. And that's probably why I had so much patience and so easy toke the role of the rescueer. That's how I always lived my life. Until now.

Now it's time for bed.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #252 on: June 22, 2019, 03:38:52 PM »
This summer will be really tough!

Everyone going for vacation. They do things together with family, and they spend time with the ones they love. They make memories together.

And here I am. Broken, alone and loliness up to my throat taking my breath away.

I took a trip to a nearby lake, been here for 3 hours now. Meditated. Got some calmness inside. Healing.

Felt some things, needed to write a bit. And it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

The music playing is, I need you, by Armin van buren. And I just cried so loud.

Not that I am missing my ex. But I miss what she took away from me/us

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #253 on: June 23, 2019, 03:44:47 PM »
I feel like I'm going crazy.

I sort my feelings out and one hour later I'm fucked up acdain. I drift away, sleep and try to run away. Finally I cry and let it all out. Make the things I need to do feel good and one hour later I'm down again.

I feel like I'm insane right now. And I feel a big pain inside. I try to avoid it, but I can't. The pain is hurt feelings.

People who gave hurt me and from who I hold back my anger. I don't want to make them sad. But I feel inside me how it's like a volcano. It will soon explode. And I will go nuts.

That's why I end up with PMO. I try to calm myself. Get rod of the tensions.

I texted my therapist about it. And he said I'm really really close to a break through.

There is like 4 people I protect when I do like this.

I protect my mom, becuse she will be sad when I bring up the truth, that what she do to me makes me sad and angry, and she doesn't respects me.

I protect my ex. Becuse I don't want he to feel to bad and commit suicide.

I protect dad, becuse I deep inside don't want him to leave, that's why I put him on hold.

And I protect my ex-friend, becuse I'm afraid she will not be loved and liked by her friends when they know how false she can be.

I let them have good lives, so I can carry their burdens.

And I need to lift that off my chest and give it to the rightful owner.

Ex wife need to know it's she who need to ask for my forgiveness, and it she who shall run after me and try to fix things. Right now she act like I'm the bad one and don't want to talk, text, meet or interact in social media.

It makes me sad, becuse I somehow wished and hoped for her trying to come back for me. I need to realize the truth. It will never ever happen and it's over and why do I want her back? The only reason I do find is I love her. Her as a person, not what she did to me or qall that. I just love her. Period. I do truly love her, and I wish it was different.

As for mom. I need to speak up and tell her it hurts me how she neglect her children and try to run away. I have blocked her instagram, but I peeked today. I saw a pic she took at an amusement park. On the pic and int the comments she talked about "her kids like that and that roller-coaster".

The kids is her neighbors kids, from the same church. It not her kids, but she call them "her kids". While she have to sons who is her blood and flesh truly her kids, and she have not talked to me for two months after I made clear she stepped on my toes.

She behave live a child.
And if I do confront her now, she will say the same thing as my dad did. "you said u got angry, so I thought you needed to be alone".

They don't want to understand or listen. I was angry becuse mom did walked over me, she didn't ask for permission, she did come home to me even if I didn't told her it was OK. And she did push her inside by manipulating me. And now she is trying the same if I call her. She will turn it around as its her who is sad because I didn't want to see her that that.

The thing is. I do wanna se her, and I do love her. But she need to respect me and she can't walk into my house whenever she wants just because she is my mom.

She need to understand that a no is not a not to her its a not for not being beat day or working that day. And it doesn't matter that she said sorry last time, if she do not understand what she is sorry about.

I have learned, as an adult. It three steps.
Admitt your faults.
Change behavior.
Ask for how to make it better.

My mom only say she is sorry so she don't need to deal with the conflict. I have learned there is only one way to get thru a manupulater like this. It's to get back to the problem and keep talking about the main issue. For this, my mom need to realize what she do wrong and stop doing it. And if she is not ready to do that. She need to say that and also know she do take a step away from me. Like with my ex, my mom should run after me and sort it out. It's her family, and she is responsible for how she deal with it. It's not me who shall run after her to show the world what a great family we are. Becuse we are not.

My dad is the same issue with. He can be how bitter he ever want. If he don't respect my choices and stop trying to change me, he can go fuck himself.

And for my ex friend. I need to tell her it was her fault to and she need to stop play the victim and try to make it look like I'm the devil and hurt her. She need to face her own fears and act responsible for what she did. She wanted to be close to me and she knew she did things wrong, but she liked and amd wanted it. She can't held me responsible for her own feelings. And she need to say she is sorry for that. And start to behave around me like an adult and behave the same way towards me whenever we met.
Right now she ignore me when we are together in larges groups. At her place she one day sit at the table and chit chat, another day she is angry at me, one day she text me she wanna hang out, another that I make her feel bad. She need to quit playing games with me. We are done and I will not play with her anymore. And she will not like that. Becuse she like it when I give her attention, she feels special.

I feel like all this need to be aired, somehow. Mom will be first. I need to confront her. Just go to her place and wait until she come home. So she don't get time to stress about it. And just let her know and be firm. The key is to be firm in my feelings whatever she do. Becuse she will turn it around. She have done every time before. She don't want to have the truth. She want to live in a bubble. I will let her know that of she want that she will choose also to not have me around.

My ex, I feel like I need to talk go visit her the same way. In more mild ways. I really do want to hug her and say I miss her. And I deepn inside wish it could be us again. I wanna tell her I will always love her and sure I could have made things different. And I do want to tell her he r I do want her to know I want her to feel good. And that's why I have difficulty to let go. I am attached to her. That's true. And I have hard to detach. I feel like I want to talk to her straight forward and make it end for real. To ask her, what she really want, does she wants me or nor? I want closure, and need to stop hope and wish for her comming back. I really need that. Also here. I need to be firm, and not let her fool me again. Like I did first time. And listen to her cry for help. When she unconscious said, please don't leave me I need you to help/rescue me. I need to finnish it once for all. I did love her, that's why I stayed. And that's why I read all the books and did go to therapy, so u could understand what to do and really show love from my heart. Becuse that was what she asked for. And I did that for her. But she cheated on me anyway. So it was not me.

For my friend. That's a tough one. She have talked to some in the the church, and I feel like they back her up, so if I talk to her they will tell me to stay away. She have put me in that position, what ever I do, I will enter the drama and her play. And she have a big Arsenal with people who play with her and convinced they do protect her. But to be honest, she do that only becuse she is afraid of me. Becuse she know I know some of her secrets. Or should I say. She thinks a do and she is not ready to talk about them. Instead she try to make others feel bad, becuse if other people is bad, she is not as bad. That's how she feels and act.

All these relationships boiling down to my emotions and that I need to keep my bubble true. That I'm worthless and am no worthy a good life. That's why I PMO so I can feel that low and scum as these people try to make it look like.

My wife tried to make it look like she had to cheat, becuse I didn't show her enough love and took care of her.

My mom try to make it look like I'm a bad son who don't care for his mother, and being evil who don't let his mom be a part of his life. It's all my fault.

My friend, she try to make it look like everything is my fault and she was just innocent and I took that to advantage. She did nothing wrong.

My dad try to make it look like it my fault we don't have contact, becuse I'm a believer and he is not. And becuse I'm dumb and don't know better, it's wrong for believer to have a life with non-believer. So its all my fault he trying to change me. Hey if I was a non-believer, he would not need to change me, and therfore we would have better relationship.



Well it's not strange I feel sad when I do realize these things..

Add on top of that. All the other people I know, who don't know about this and just act like everything is good and try to convince me these people love and I should not overreact so much. And they try to help me.

Well, it's not about love. It's about respect. People I want close in my life need to respect me and my values. Period. If they don't want that. It's bye bye. Has nothing with love to do. It's pure health.

New day tomorrow, and a new chapter for 90 days free form PMO. Let's see what's comes first. Me talking to all of them or the 90 days.





mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #254 on: August 04, 2019, 04:36:34 AM »
done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.

dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.

and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.

strange.


but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.

so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.

and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.

i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.

i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life

:)


Lero

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #255 on: August 04, 2019, 06:04:44 AM »
done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.

dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.

and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.

strange.


but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.

so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.

and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.

i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.

i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life

:)

That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2019, 06:07:33 AM by Lero »

zazen

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #256 on: August 20, 2019, 07:09:56 PM »
Quote
That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.

Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc.  im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else.  is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever..   That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).

all the best -

Lero

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #257 on: August 21, 2019, 03:51:52 AM »
Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc.  im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else.  is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever..   That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).

all the best -

Facebook, besides the fact that it's full of triggers, it's superficial. People don't show their real self there, they make themselves look good. Smiling at the beach, going to places, they edit their pictures to make themselves look better, "Look what awesome life I have! Look how fucking amazing I am!" Everything is only "give me like", the race for likes, what can I post to make them give me like? etc. After a while spent there I got fucking tired. And then I stood away from it almost completely because of triggers. I only use it sometimes to talk to someone who is abroad. But except for this, I don't spend time there.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2019, 03:54:58 AM by Lero »