Author Topic: Finally Serious about Stopping My Addiction  (Read 173 times)

Rob-Bo

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Finally Serious about Stopping My Addiction
« on: January 01, 2020, 10:31:36 PM »
Hello Everyone,

Hopefully I am doing this correct, if not please let me know.

My name is Rob and finally, I am admitting I am addicted to Porn.
I have an amazing Wife who loves me, hope she still does anyways, and is trying to support me.
Here is my story,

For me, Porn was an issue, if I can remember properly, somewhere in my mid 20's.
Growing up I had seen it, found a magazine in the playground, had no idea what I was looking at and went along my way.
Then in my Teens, I had friends who would show me the occasional picture on the newly deemed "High Speed Internet" but again, I never really had the inclination to go out and seek any more.

Was not until somewhere in my mid 20's when I was working a low pressure job, from home, where even though it was full time, I realy only had two - three hours of work and then almost nothing. At first all I did was watch movies, youtube, play games, paint models, play some magic. Basically filled in my extra time with hobbies.

At some point though, and I do not remember what triggered it, I came across easily accessed porn. Websites with free content that I could stream when ever I wanted. Still, at the beginning, this was a rare occurrence as I was still primarily focused on my other geektastic hobbies. At a certain point however, this became a roughly once maybe twice a week. Now granted, I was not spending an insane amount of time searching, usually I would just find something to get me going and help me finish and then it was back to whatever else I was doing that day.

During this time period, at its worst, I think I may have spent around 2ish hours searching. Falling down the rabbit hole so to speak. I only did this when I was bored and never when my wife was home. Now in my head, this was not a big deal. I was only doing it maybe once or twice a week and "everyone did it", so whats the big deal? This would be around 10 years ago btw.

So I did this unimpeded for around 1-2 years while I worked at home. In 2014, I started a new job where I would no longer be working from home.
At the same time, my Mother became ill and passed away. Shortly after that, my work decided it wanted to close my work and either have me find another job or relocate me. I cannot say for sure, but I feel as though Porn really did not come into play for several months with all this going on.

May of 2015, we moved to another Province and I started my career all over again far from home, friends and family. Only me and my Wife. It was exciting and terrifying. A new chapter. Now that I am thinking about, a big change happened for me. All my life I had always had several friends who I played various games with. I no longer had this. I tried to reach out to various areas but really never connected with anyone. At work, anyone I met, all the wanted to do was go out and drink somewhere and that is also not really my bag.

What this resulted in is, I had a lot of extra free time. Now a lot of it was spent with the Wife just getting to know the new area and we moved to a much larger city so there was lots to do, however, I still had a lot of down time. At some point, Porn came back. Porn started to fill my free time. If I didn't feel like playing a video game, which I had kind of gotten out of, I felt very bored. If the Wife was around it was not problem, we would hang out and watch TV or something. If she was not however, somehow I started to go back to those sites I had long forgotten about.

Again this was not consuming a lot of my time and again, in my head, it was not a big deal. I did not feel like I was hurting anyone and honestly, had never heard about what kind of changes and effects this can have on people. I really just never put any effort or thought into what actually was happening. So this went on for a while. Luckily this was never an every day thing.

At some point, my Wife caught me. I think she had found my history on something and confronted me. At this point, I went into total defensive mode. Saying things like "its not a big deal" and "Just because you don't like it doesn't make it wrong" and stuff like that. I told her this was not an issue and not something to worry about. This is what I honestly believed. At this point I also believed I could just stop at any time.
I reasoned in my head, because I could stop, it was not a big deal if I did it just once in a while.

She caught me again. and again I was defensive and sited the same things. This time I promised I was going to stop. I am not sure how long it was for, but ultimately I did not.

Now my Wife is a much smarter person than myself. I do not know exactly when she did this, but she started to look into books, articles, youtube videos and podcasts about this. She did a bunch of reading, not to confront me, or embarrass me or anything like that, but to try and understand. With this information, I acknowledged that porn could be an issue and I told her I was going to stop. Not because I wanted to though or that I thought I had any issue, but just because she did not like it. We also said we were going to try and do a reboot/cleanse and try and go for three months without sex or masturbation. Wife was going to do this with me.

Sometime around a month or so, I think a little after, again Porn came up. At this point my wife has been going to twice weekly dancing classes. During this time she is out for pretty much the whole evening. This left me at home with nothing to do. With all this time, instead of doing something constructive, and because in my mind, "I don't have a problem", hey, here comes porn.

Again, about a month ago, my wife caught me again. This time was much worse however as I had really betrayed her trust. She had assumed that we were cleansing and that I was pron free and obviously I was not. This time, something finally clicked for me. Instead of denying, I admitted what I had been doing. Instead of blaming other things, I owned this. All of a sudden, I knew this was a problem. My wife and I talked about this for a few days, I unearthed some things I had not thought about for a long time.

She encouraged me to read the book "The Porn Trap" which I have completed. This also led me to writing a paper journal of sorts. Mostly just writing anytime I felt the need to. My wife is still rightfully very hurt and having a hard time trusting me again. I do not blame her.
Right now, I am focusing on myself. I cannot make her trust me, I do not know if she ever will again. Right now though, I am working on building the trust and respect for myself.

I am filling my time with Writing, Reading, going to the gym and even trying to learn another language. So far I am feeling pretty good about what I am doing. I have also eliminated many other temptations. It has been maybe a month or so. I have not looked at porn at all. To be honest, I have only thought about it while reading "The Porn Trap" book. Right now, for myself, I am felling better. I am just working on keeping it up.

So sorry for this long diatribe. It was not planned. The Wife showed me this website and I thought it might continue to help me if I posted. Do not blame any of you for not reading, but up until now, this is roughly my story.

My name is Rob, and I have a Porn problem. Hopefully one day, it will not be.

Thank You

ShadeTrenicin

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Re: Finally Serious about Stopping My Addiction
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2020, 05:35:03 AM »
Hi Rob, welcome. You did the hardest thing; admitting it. You took the first step so you can be proud of yourself.
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Love yourself; allow your emotions, understand your emotions and make love for yourself your number one priority